r/ADHD • u/SliceOfButter ADHD-PI • Oct 26 '12
Currently in the long process of getting diagnosed, graduated with a 3.74 in high school, now a sophomore in college and failing all but one class. How to confront parents?
I'm currently in the process of getting assessed and I'm still waiting on my psych to write up the report, which takes a few weeks. My parents know that I'm getting assessed for ADHD but I feel like they do not think I have it. I don't really have much of an idea of what they think about it.
Anyway, I'm 90% certain I'm ADHD-PI, and while I know everyone here is a big fan of not deciding on anything until an official diagnosis happens, I've never related to anything more than I relate to all the stories of everyone here who has ADHD, and honestly I'd be surprised if I didn't have it.
I graduated with a 3.74 in HS and now I'm a sophomore and I'm absolutely drowning academically. I started with 16 hours and had to drop my calculus class because I couldn't handle the workload. That, and I also marked the wrong date for an exam and was very rudely surprised by it.
After dropping calculus, I'm at 12 hours which is the minimum for a full time student - and I'm still struggling. I've been actively trying to change my habits by not putting off assignments/studying and getting a head start but it seems like it's always 2 steps forward and one back, and I'm always playing catch up. As soon as I feel like I have things under control, there's always something else.
How do I tell my parents? They've been pressing me for how my grades have been and I can't bring myself to tell them... I just keep saying "I don't know yet - nothing has been put online." They're expecting good grades from me since I'm taking a "light load", and my mom seems disappointed whenever I tell her I have a C. I have a feeling they think I'm doing well because they know how much time I spend in the library, but they just don't get how long it takes me to do things... How do I deal with this? I've explained to them what I feel like all my symptoms are but I don't feel like they are going to understand, and are just going to get angry and tell me to try harder when I'm already kicking my own ass to catch up and pass my courses...
Help? Anyone else have to deal with this? I understand this is an ADHD subreddit so thank you if you made it through all that.
TL:DR; Graduated with 3.74 in high school, now failing all but one course. Currently getting assessed and parents are aware of it but still have high expectations and keep pressing me about grades but I have no idea how to tell them I'm doing the worst I've ever done.
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u/Mxrbid ADHD-PI Oct 26 '12
I'd tell them the truth if I were you. You're obviously stressed out by the situation and you aren't intentionally failing courses. I'm sure they'll understand. Luckily my parents gave up on pressuring me after a while. It sucks, but keeping everything from your parents isn't going to do you any favors.
I hope you are correct and your diagnosis comes through, good luck!
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u/hodor137 Oct 27 '12
Upvoted, but to piggyback off this post:
Besides being honest and telling the truth, stress the fact that you've been trying to solve this. Tell them about the attempts you've made, things you've tried to stop procrastinating and get shit done. Hopefully you've got plenty of ammo there, including exercise, nutrition, etc.
Trying to address the problems and still having a serious problem getting important shit done, controlling your behavior, to me is a hallmark of ADHD. It's what makes this a disorder. If you just do shitty in college and decide you have ADHD, that's not enough - its the attempts to solve the symptoms on their own, and still failing, that separates it, in my mind - I think stressing this will help your parents understand that you may have a real problem here, and you're not just a miscreant.
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u/Revolan Oct 26 '12
I was literally in the exact same position as you last year second semester. I'm currently taking a year off after being diagnosed. I recommend that, or perhaps a semester off- it helps
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Oct 27 '12
If you go this route, be careful and make sure you watch how much/what you're procrastinating. As it is, many people take more time off than they intended when they stop school, but especially with ADHD, that motivation to re-enroll can easily be lacking. Keep track of deadlines and don't bark at anyone (ie parents) when they remind you about applying and what not. Being reminded too often is far better than trying to stay on track on your own.
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u/hodor137 Oct 27 '12 edited Oct 27 '12
This.
And even if you DON'T go the time off route this time, as an ADHDer (potentially, or not) be very careful with thinking like this in the future
I was always very good at talking myself into/out of things. Justifying terrible work ethic and poor choices and whatnot to myself. Don't paint yourself into a corner like that.
You can also very easily talk yourself into thinking you're just lazy, or you just need to get your act together. A guy above stressed getting out of your own head - do this. If it's not a psychiatrist yet, then find other people to talk to - it doesn't have to be about "ADHD", just about the struggles you're having. Keep in mind other people may not understand how hamstrung you may be by your scumbag brain. Be active in this subreddit too.
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Oct 27 '12
Good points. That's why ADHD support groups and coaching are so effective. People that can relate with you and the issues you're experiencing help to remove some of the guilt associated with poor performance that isn't necessarily your fault, but could be for the most part due to your underachieving frontal lobe. And structure is a tremendous help with short term goals allowing you to keep your eye on the target because the reward is that much closer. Taking time off just means everything is getting pushed further down the timeline, and depending on what you're doing over that now empty time, getting back on track can be that much more difficult.
I completely agree with you ho.
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u/chinaberrytree ADHD-PI Oct 27 '12
Not only does it help, it keeps you from falling into a grade trap that you can't climb out of.
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Oct 27 '12
Not much more to add than what flynn said, but calc+programming were the reason I changed majors. I'm doing much better now. Make sure you're doing what you want to be doing full time and getting paid for.
Also, and this may seem kind of obvious regardless, but take as many classes with your friends as possible. For me, this has been a great way to motivate me to study harder (to top their grades), get assignments turned in on time ("Ay, you do that lab yet?" "Oh shit that's due tonight isn't it..."), and help me stay interested in boring classes. Off meds and in a boring class, I'm daydreaming most the time. With a friend I pay attention more in case they hear the teacher say something interesting and turn to me to see my reaction. That's just one example, but hopefully you get what I'm saying. Though, if your friends are loud, don't care about school, and talk a lot during classes, fuck them and bail on that clique. Use your friends to get you to do more work, not distract you even more than you already are.
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u/flynnski ADHD-PI Oct 27 '12
So true.
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u/hodor137 Oct 27 '12
Agreed also. ADHD treatment, meds or not, will not give you motivation to do shit you dislike. It can help you get through the mundane shit everyone always has to deal with, whatever the subject, but if its all mundane to you, whether you realize it or not, it won't help.
Make sure and sit down and do some soul searching during this process you're going through, make sure you're pursuing the right degree. Not just for your own enjoyment, but for a fulfilling and employable career as well.
Try and look at the degree and career through the lens of ADHD as well - you'll deal with this for a very long time, and you need to make sure you can deal long term.
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u/flynnski ADHD-PI Oct 27 '12
Hodor! hodor hodor? Hodor.
- Hodor! Hodor hodor hodor, hodor hodor?
HODOR! Hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor.
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u/squishlurk ADHD-PI Oct 26 '12
You don't have to tell your parents your grades. You're in college now, the grades are your responsibility only.
I've told my parents that I'm not telling them my grades, and I'm currently trying to enforce a policy where we don't talk about how school is going. I love learning, but sadly my classes are more of a means to an end, so that I can get a degree to get a job I will love. My classes have become more and more soul crushing, so I really appreciate it when my parents back off and talk about something else. I have to remind them constantly, but I think at least my dad understands what its like for me to go through this.
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u/aredditaccounta ADHD-PI Oct 26 '12
Lucky duck, my parents demand to know everything.
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Oct 27 '12
Much less flexibility when they're paying...
(Not saying this is your case, but in general)
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u/aredditaccounta ADHD-PI Oct 27 '12
Oh yeah, it is my case though. I can't blame them. How am I supposed to be an all A student when test averages are C/D and only like 7 people in my english class of 90 get As and whatnot...
whatever, just venting to a random person on a random subreddit..
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Oct 27 '12
Yeah as is the case for me too. When I don't call my mom often enough, or I happen to miss her call, "Well if you're totally independent and don't need me, I'll let pay the rest for college..." Like wth, where did that even come from?
And so of course she knows my grades every quarter (usually before I've even had a chance to check), and she's always asking how each class is going. I don't necessarily mind until I'm doing bad so the answer's either "Ya I got a 9x on the last test..." (good) or "Yeah same as usual. Haven't gotten any grades back..." (shit)
But if the case is that the teacher is garbage, or their grading system (so in other words, the teacher), then there's not much to say. If you can show your parents this is the case, that everyone else is doing poorly, that's great. At my school the grades are anonymously listed so everyone in the class can see everyone's grade and the class average, though I realize this is often not the case. But when everyone's doing bad (average below 75) many profs boost grades otherwise it looks like they're doing something wrong failing a bunch of kids, so they watch their own back but that happens to involve helping some students.
Hopefully you can get everything straightened out. School can either be a lot of fun or a complete headache, but considering the student pays for college, it would be idea for it to be the former.
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u/stereopump Oct 27 '12
Lucky, my parents don't give a shit how the rest of the class is doing. My school does the same BTW.
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Oct 27 '12
That's usually the case but when I can show them that I have the second highest grade in the class and I only have an 89, then they're a little more understanding...
And ya I love that. Having online grading systems is great because the results of my work are realized that much sooner, and I can clearly see how my effort is translating and whether I need to get my head in the game because I've started slacking. Also, it helps when the teachers accidentally put the wrong grades in their book too. :p
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u/squishlurk ADHD-PI Oct 27 '12
I learned stubbornness from the best: my mom. I've really learned how to just say no, and repeat it for as long as it takes.
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Oct 28 '12
[deleted]
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u/squishlurk ADHD-PI Oct 28 '12
You're correct that they're not paying for it, my college covers all demonstrated financial need. But regardless of who's paying, the parents can only learn about grades through the student (unless they get on academic probation, but you still won't get the actual details).
Sometimes parents can get a little too involved. Yes, college is expensive, but by college age the student needs to be the one responsible. They are the one getting the degree, and its only a privilege for friends and family to know what letters they're getting. And the parents aren't the ones going through the day to day college life, so they may not understand that some expectations are needlessly high.
If its causing emotional distress to think of sharing how bad the grades are, then why not just not tell? It could be a good idea to say you're doing worse than you wanted to, and could really use some emotional support right now, but there's no reason to say the actual details.
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u/lenaxia Oct 26 '12
You know, I don't want to scare anyone, but it just gets worse when you start working.
Most of us with ADHD can cruise through high school without much difficulty. Our smarts help cover up our problems with studying and commitment.
I made it through college with a 3.7gpa... I was lucky (or unlucky)
I have proceeded to spend the past 4 years working with minimal promotion because I just can't work in an office environment. Its only the last month or so that I've taken my ADHD seriously again because frankly, my "smarts" can't carry me anymore.
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Oct 26 '12
You sound exactly like me... holy shit. Right down to the "started at 16, dropped to 12 credit hours" thing. I hate the feeling that I'm doing the minimum and still losing my mind while many others who I consider to be less intelligent than me (not trying to be rude, just honest) are doing 16 credit hours with no issues. Anyway...
My parents, at first, didn't think I should seek out treatment (the first time I considered this was during a particularly difficult point in high school, which made no sense because the work was quite easy, but the work load I could not manage). My mom then revealed to me that I was diagnosed many times as a child but that she didn't want to medicate me or anything and just see how I did. So she understood my concerns, but for me the resistance came when deciding to get medicated or not, since she was originally against it. Honestly, it will get better. Just be honest but give them little bits of updates to digest at a time. Also keep them informed about what it means to have adult ADHD-PI. Misconceptions about it could lead them to think it's just an "excuse" or you're being "lazy" but the most important thing for both parties is for them to know otherwise and to realize that these are common insults that adult ADHD sufferers get--common, but incorrect. Good luck.
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u/aredditaccounta ADHD-PI Oct 26 '12
As for the parents thing, if they dont believe you or just say youre being lazy, ask a counselor to contact them or maybe someone else in the family. As for the grades, you have a complete excuse really. What are they gonna say about that?
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u/martian712 Oct 27 '12
Are you me? This story is me, but I am already diagnosed (And have been for a long time, as well as medicated) But I am suddenly failing college, and I can't seem to stop it.
1
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u/AceMcFly10 Oct 27 '12
I had a similar experience in college. Right now, can you try to find an internship for next semester while you get this sorted out? It's like taking a semester off, kind of, but it looks responsible and looks good on your résumé. Also some strategies for me in college were to copy by hand the PowerPoint notes that were distributed by professors to make sure that I actually read what I was studying. Also, study around people, like in the library, so that there's social pressure to stay in you seat instead of getting up and pacing every 5 minutes. Listen to ambient music quietly through headphones. Set designated study blocks, especially 4 days in advance for every exam and stick to them. These tricks help me increase my grades dramatically my Junior and Senior year. Good luck.
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u/HeartOverHead Oct 27 '12
Come strait out and tell your parents. Be honest with them. If the psych eval reads you have adhd, perhaps going over the psych eval with them. If they are still not supportive, perhaps it is time to learn how to start distancing yourself from your parents. You do not need to be around people who are not supportive, parents or not.
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u/dopestep Oct 27 '12
some people here have given some good advice. i just want to add that if you feel nervous about talking to your parents about this kind of stuff and you wanna make sure they hear EVERYTHING you have to say then you should consider writing them a letter or a note. you dont have to mail it to them but you can write all your reasoning and thoughts down on paper and then leave it on the counter for them or hand it to them directly. some parents tend to talk over their kids at the first point they disagree with, and they wont wanna hear everything you have to say. by making them read the entire note you get a chance to speak your mind freely without interruption.
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u/noveltyhuman Oct 28 '12
I'm in the same boat ish with the parents thing. I got diagnosed also sophomore started taking meds and still haven't told them. And I honestly don't think I will.
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u/flynnski ADHD-PI Oct 26 '12
First question: what's the next step in diagnosis? Do you have an appointment scheduled? Are you making progress here? Bother your psych, and let them know what's up and that time is important to you.
Next: If you're in fact ADHD, you're gonna need some behavioral changes anyhow, so you might as well get an early start.
Firstly! yourself. External support structures are key! Get out of your own head; it's broken.
Write yourself a rigid, realistic schedule. Wake up at X a.m., go to sleep at Y p.m. Even if you're not tired. Even if you lay in bed for an hour. You have to remove the ability to procrastinate. Eat regularly-timed food to help you maintain awareness of what time it is.
Overplan your day. Schedule study time. Schedule classes. Schedule food time. Make sure you have external alarms/reminders that will interrupt whatever you're doing, so that you know it's time for the next thing.
Overplan every day. When you wake up, brush your teeth, proceed directly to the plan. After making sure it's complete, attack the first thing on the list. Then the next. And so on.
Post-its. Post-its everywhere.
Reminder app on phone. For everything.
Enlist your friends/roommates, let them know what's up, and ask - nay, beg them - to help you stick to your schedule.
Realize that you can't just think "I'll remember to do that later!" ... you won't. If something isn't on your list, don't do it until everything else on the list is done. Learn to say "No, I don't have time, I have to do XYZ first."
Your university probably has a student health services department. Let them know what's up. They have resources that can help. Tell your teachers what's up. It's not too late to save your semester grades. They might not be the best you ever had, but next semester will be better. If you fail the hell out of your classes, you'll probably just be on academic probation.
You're in the unfortunate position of having to cope with ADHD and with doing that whole "becoming an adult and an equal with your parents" thing. Say what's up. Be honest. Be firm in communicating how you feel. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Don't let your parents make you feel guilty. (Don't let YOU make yourself feel guilty.)
And above all, remember: It's gonna be okay. Really, it is. Nobody's gonna die here.