Advice Received My husband doesn’t see his son from his first marriage – is this a red flag?
My husband has a son from his first marriage, but he doesn’t take care of him. I keep urging him to visit his son, to spend time with him and play, but all I get are excuses like, 'I’m too busy with work' or 'I don’t have time.'
Ever since we got married, he’s been constantly asking when we’ll have a child together—but I’m afraid that if we do, I’ll be the only one raising them. He pays child support to his ex-wife, but that’s it. Where’s the actual involvement in his child’s life? He claims he’s 'too tired,' but is that really a valid excuse? He hasn’t seen his son in three months. Don’t you think this is a major red flag?
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u/Simple_Mix_4995 Helper [2] 1d ago
Yes. “When somebody shows you who they are, believe them”. Don’t do that to a child, please
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u/SemanticPedantic007 1d ago
If it really is about him being tired, then it is extremely unlikely that a child the two of you have together will be less tiring.
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u/Pestazt 1d ago
I think the same! Kids are always challenging—everyone knows that. How can he use exhaustion as an excuse? I'm so mad.
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u/SemanticPedantic007 1d ago
He seems to have prioritized the relationship with OP over that with his kid. Which was no doubt flattering for a while, but now she's connecting the dots.
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u/throwaway04072021 1d ago
Exactly! Parenting is tiring, but responsible adults marshal their energy because they know it's important and they actually love their children.
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u/L1feguard87 1d ago
This is a major red flag. My ex wife lives 40 minutes away from me but ANYTIME I am offered any extra time with them I make it happen. She could call me at 2:30 am and say she wants me to come get them and my ass would be in the car.
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u/earthgarden Helper [3] 1d ago
You’d be a FOOL to have a baby with a man like this
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u/Clown1003 1d ago
Massive red flag!!!! Single dad here , it sounds like you married a kid and not a man
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u/Pestazt 1d ago
He said that kid is not his anymore because "he doesn’t live with him" so stupid
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u/Elmo_Chipshop 1d ago
And you think this is husband and father material for what reason?
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u/Pestazt 1d ago
I don’t think he’d be a good father either, but I needed an outside perspective—I tend to overthink things a lot. I’m on birth control to avoid getting pregnant (he doesn’t know)
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u/Shot-Artichoke-4106 1d ago
I’m on birth control to avoid getting pregnant (he doesn’t know)
Another red flag. You should be able to have open and honest conversations with your spouse about family planning. If you can't, something is wrong.
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u/SubstantialPressure3 1d ago
I would advise you to start separating your finances from him, in small steps.
My daughter was trapped in a relationship like that. He also took out a bunch of loans in her name, ruined her credit, isolated her from her family, bad mouthed all of us. We could never talk to her, and when she finally left, she felt like she couldn't ask us for help. It took a while to convince her we wanted to help.
He was in a big hurry to get married and have a baby with someone else. Now he's married again with a new baby, and someone else's credit to ruin. And he will do it again.
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u/Ok-King-4868 1d ago
I drove 30 minutes every single weekday morning to get to their house before their mother left for work, made breakfast, cleaned, got them to school, drove to where I worked. I made all weekend games like soccer, wrestling, baseball, basketball et cetera 8 years straight.
My kids deserved my best efforts. Not their fault, it was my responsibility. And we made it as fun as we possibly could. I think more parents are like this than not.
Good luck.
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u/Past-Conversation303 1d ago
Don't have a child with men who have abandoned their children seems like solid advice here.
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u/Asparagus9000 1d ago
Most likely he wasn't a great dad last time. Not sure why you think he'll be better with a second try.
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u/nothanksihaveasthma Helper [2] 1d ago
The biggest and reddest. My father is this man, he’s a horrible individual. Growing up being abandoned by my father was and still continues to be one of my deepest wounds. A man like this has no room in his heart for anyone or anything if he can’t have room in his heart for his own child. What makes you think it’ll be different the second time if he’s so comfortable doing it once already?
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u/Vegetable_Jicama_181 1d ago
My father is like that as well. They are selfish and don't know how to love.
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u/Usualy-lost-152 1d ago
The word for today is CHARACTER. He seems to lack in that regard. Your character carries out in everything you do. If he sucks at being an involved father, you will probably find out he sucks throughout most of his life decisions
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u/Jack_wagon4u 1d ago
Red flag. Let me guess in the beginning he was involved with his son and bought him things like nice expensive shoes etc. You prob even met his child very early on and his ex was “crazy” and you couldn’t understand why she hates you.
When you have his kid and he tires of you, you will be a single mom. And oh joy, get excited for when he randomly comes around pretending to be a great dad to impress the next chick he has been dating for 5 minutes. The cycle will continue.
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u/Pestazt 1d ago
Is that story so common? Excuse my knowledge, I'm young and don't have the experience.
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u/Jack_wagon4u 1d ago
Yup! I’m almost 40 and off the top of my head I can think of 2 different men who have done this. One of them is my friend’s baby daddy. I think he’s on kid number 4 or 5 all different woman. She actually had to put in the custody that he couldn’t bring new chicks around until after a year of dating.
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u/Meg38400 1d ago
Your parents didn’t warn you about him? You had no business getting married if you know nothing about life. This is so infuriating how these older men will manipulate young naive women. Wise up!!! For your own sake.
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u/Taakahamsta 1d ago
When you see someone doing something bad to someone else, just get in line. You’re next.
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u/Fireguy9641 1d ago
Why did you marry him knowing this? Of course it's a red flag, he told you. It's not like a red flag where the mother won't let him see his son, he's telling you he doesn't want to.
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u/famousanonamos 1d ago
I'd tell him honestly that you aren't interested in being a single mother. If he can't take care if the kid he already has, how could you trust him to take care if a child with you? He doesn't have time for a visit in 3 months? He's too tired? Imagine this with a baby, he will be useless.
Can you reach out to the ex? I would have a lot of questions. But yeah, this is one of the reddest of flags.
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u/svmk1987 1d ago
To be brutally honest, you're married to the guy. The time for looking for red flags is gone. It's too late to just look for signs. He's your partner. Talk with him and figure it out. And if doesn't, think about your future.
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u/Foreign-Plenty1179 1d ago
I was a single father (full-time) of 4 at one point in my life… it wasn’t pretty but we made it work and everyone had everything they needed, including love.
Feel free to assume what my opinion of your husband is here.
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u/Pestazt 1d ago
You're a wonderful person, and I truly hope you and your children are doing well. As a teacher, I always appreciate hearing about parents like you - children in such families can truly feel the depth of your care. Thank you very much! Hugs from me!
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u/Apprehensive-Fox3187 Helper [2] 1d ago
Ma'am you should have never married him in the first place cause that is exactly what he is going to do, to you,
You don't even realize you are next, and he has already shown you the same excuses he is going to give you once you are in his ex's position. Nobody is special to people like him. The moment you pop out a baby, you are going to be raising that child by yourself, and then after he gets tired of you begging him to help with y'alls child,
he will divorce you and move to the next partner/victim to be your new replacement so he can start ignoring you just like her, rinse and repeat, and he will continue this cycle, while your stuck with his child alone with 0 help from him,
so my best advice here is to run before he gets you pregnant, and be turned into his 2nd ex-mother of his child he will willingly neglect, too, and if you truly love your none exist child, stop sleeping with him now and open an account you only have access to and take only the money you put into any shared accounts with him out, grab your important documents and your sentimental items and never return unless it's to finalize your divorce.
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u/ravynmaxx Helper [3] 1d ago
If he’s too tired now and he isn’t even seeing his son now, he can’t handle a baby actually living with him 24/7.
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u/Confidenceisbetter Super Helper [5] 1d ago
Of course this is a red flag. Now I know reddit is quick to scream “dump him” and honestly your husband does not sound good. But I’m willing to give you the benfit of the doubt that you know better than to marry an absolute douchebag. So sit him down and talk to him. Figure out if this mentality is something new, perhaps he has some stressors he is struggling with or even dealing with something like depression. I don’t know. Figure out if this is a termporary problem manifesting as a lack of drive and initiative or if he truly is a useless excuse of a man. If it’s the latter and he just does not give a shit about his son then I’m sorry to say but being married to him, let alone having his children, should really be something you should not want to do.
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u/Pestazt 1d ago
We tried to discuss this topic, but all I ever heard were excuses. Honestly, at this point, it just seems to me like he’s an immature person.
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u/Confidenceisbetter Super Helper [5] 1d ago
I just saw your other post where you said your husband, whom you haven’t even dated a year, pulled a prank on you with something that made you commit suicide. It’s pretty clear now this is not a good man. I’m no even sure why you got married so quickly, that’s just a recipe for disaster especially since just a year ago you got out of an awful relationship where you were dupes and then tried to take your own life. You need to divorce this man and take some actual time to heal.
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u/fiblesmish Super Helper [9] 1d ago
This is the sort of question you ask...before marrying someone!
Since you know he failed in his first try at the marriage thing you should have been extra vigilant before getting involved with him.
But yes to put it at the level you ask
BIG RED FLAG.
He is a child who got tired of a toy ( a living being) and now wants a new one (another living being)
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u/Pestazt 1d ago
Before our wedding everything was different, we met once a week, and he spent the other day with the child, as soon as we signed the papers everything changed.
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u/Dull_Income1205 1d ago
Talk to his ex, she must be totally frustrated and thinking you're behind this behavior change. At least the two of you want the best for the child.
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u/United-Manner20 1d ago
Flashing neon bold letter on your face sky high red flag - he’s lying about why. Doesn’t even matter what he says- no excuses would make it okay. Run.
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u/Silent_Syd241 1d ago
You willingly married a deadbeat dad now asking if it’s a red flag. Think about that. Now when he makes you a single mom don’t act shocked because he showed you he doesn’t care about his kids.
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u/borncheeky 1d ago
Is he paying child support? If he is ignoring and not supporting his first child, why in the world would he support a second? You're all grown so you can decide what you do for yourself but please think long and hard before you put a child in a situation where he would be ignored and worse
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u/BirdieRex 1d ago
RED FLAG. You are not special.. he WILL NOT CHANGE FOR YOU or your future kids shiiit He doesn't even change for his fucken son now and he is asking you for more? Tf
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u/Jog212 1d ago
There is no excuse. My friend has 2 daughter she had with her ex. He cheated. Married his AP. He never see the kids. It was her daughter birthday last week. He called for her birthday. First time they spoke in almost a year. No gift. No card. No time. It's really disgusting. Why would you even marry some one that doesn't see their own child.
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u/maskedcloak 1d ago
This is absolutely a huge red flag. Past is prologue, as they say. The fact that there doesn't seem to be anything stopping him - like a custody arrangement - from seeing his kid makes this even worse. Do not have a kid with this guy.
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u/HeartAccording5241 Helper [3] 1d ago
Yes if you have a kid with him you will be doing all the work
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u/CatTawny 1d ago
Huge red flag not seeing his son. And the age gap is too big with potential power imbalance. Please consider leaving him.
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u/NotSorry2019 1d ago
Of course it’s a red flag - he’s a man who can walk away from a child. Why on earth do you think he would be loyal to YOU? He wasn’t loyal to his previous bed partner, if she’s a bad person then ask why he would leave a child with her, and he is happy to walk away from inconvenient children. Never have a child with this man - get away from him. The dildo of consequences does not come lubed - RUN!
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u/snafuminder Helper [4] 1d ago edited 1d ago
What you see is what you get. If you want a family with an attentive father figure, he doesn't appear to be it. Just be prepared to fly solo. Good luck.
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u/WatercoLorCurtain 1d ago
Definitely don’t have kids with him. He seems like he was just using his kid to seem like a good guy but now doesn’t care.
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u/GlobalAerie1821 1d ago
I wish when I saw this red flag I didn't think it would be different for our kids. My expectations where high and I resent him for that.
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u/Live_Western_1389 1d ago
Just know that you & any children you create with him, only matter to him while the two of you are together. You don’t get to take a time out when you’re a parent.
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u/PerplexedPoppy 1d ago
It’s absolutely a huge red flag. Please stop having sex with him. Consider divorce.
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u/MaintenanceSea959 Helper [3] 1d ago
Red flag. How is your relationship with the ex wife? I made friends with my husband’s ex wife. I wanted to establish mutual understanding that I was interested in their children’s welfare and needs. I’m still friends, and their kids are grown up and we all get along. This is a really important thing to do for the good of everyone. It may be up to you to thaw the ice.
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u/malachite_animus 1d ago
He used his son to lure you in and now he wants to create a new family with you. Son belongs to his old life.
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u/thisispants 1d ago
He'd need to have a pretty good excuse not to see his kid..... And if you don't know it now, he doesn't have one.
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u/AmishAngst 1d ago
You damn well know it's a red flag.
What you're actually asking is if we all think you're the super duper special exception to the rule that will fundamentally change who he is as a person and no, you are not that special. He didn't basically abandon an innocent child because his ex was less special than you. He did it because that's what assholes who don't take responsibility or think of anyone but themselves do.
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u/TemporaryThink9300 Helper [4] 1d ago
Yes, He is a red flag for any woman who he might want to have children with🚩 ^ / \ / \ / \ /____\ / \ / \ /_______\ / \ / \ /_____________\ / \ / \ /___________________\ / \ / \ /_________________________\ / \ / \ /_______________________________\ / \ / \ /___________________________________\ / \ / \ /__________________________________________\ / \ / ..A red flag that is on top of a giant mountain of a little boys tears who wonders where his father is.
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u/Delicious_Spend_755 1d ago
I got married a second time, and my fiancee met my kids and knew what she was getting into before we got married. I couldn't imagine her not meeting my kids and making sure she was ok with them. They are my flesh and blood and part of me. My now wife became the most amazing stepmom to them and I will always love her for accepting them and loving them as her own. Any man who doesn't want to interact with his minor children should be scrutinized carefully.
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u/Wind-and-Sea-Rider 1d ago
Massive red flag. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. He’s selfish, and a terrible parent.
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u/HairTmrw 1d ago
This is a huge red flag. NEVER have a child with a man that doesn't spend time with his existing child. RUN. He will likely end up doing the same with your child and with you. He only cares about what is good for him. You're it for now. Why even question it? You know the answer
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u/Far-Dragonfruit-925 1d ago
Don’t use finances as your excuse. Dont waste one more day with him. Leave!
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u/SungaiDeras 1d ago
Do not get pregnant. He'll make you give up school next.
Also next time stop messing with single dads when you don't have kids yourself. They almost always turn out to be deadbeats.
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u/Lillysartifacts 1d ago
Tell him you’ll think about kids when he starts taking care of the first one
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u/Queer_Advocate 1d ago
Uhhh, KEEP YOUR LEGS SHUT, SUTURES AND SUPER GLUED. More red flags, then flag world and the military's color guard. DO NOT PASS GO. Your answer is you have a yeast infection, and can't today. Time to trade him in for a new and improved model!!! I wouldn't even share joint custody of a cockroach with him, let alone a hamster, let alone a human child. That's a haaaaaaail no.
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u/Wide-Yesterday-5167 1d ago edited 1d ago
If he’s such a great husband, then he’ll understand if YOU want to spend more time with his children. But if you expect him to want to spend more time with his children, you’ll be waiting a long time. He obviously moved on from them as soon as he moved on from the marriage/relationship that created the child. Now that you realize that you were duped and made a huge mistake, my thoughts are to keep your thoughts to yourself. Who knows how many topics and issues he bluffed or parroted his way through in order to get you to say yes to marrying him. There could be all kinds of red flags that he has yet to reveal because he wants to lock you in place with a child first. Cease all discussions about children and family. Begin quietly separately your affairs from him. Make sure you’re on two forms of birth control, by charting your ovulation to PREVENT pregnancy and whatever synthetic or natural birth control you use. And have a back up plan if you conceive. Prepare for the inevitable separation by entreating family and/or friends to come vacation at their place for the weekend. Gradually spend more time away from him after you’ve separated most of your life from his. Then begin looking for another place to live. Please remember, this is a major issue. He will repeat his history. Unless he’s less than 25, he’s done growing up and is who he’s gonna be. He is obviously deceptive. That alone is the biggest red flag of all. I send my prayers and well wishing. Please remember, he may be deeply troubled if he realizes you’re onto his ruse. Please don’t “wake the beast” within him. Deception is a ploy used by predators. Not men who love women.
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u/Ok_Bench_8144 1d ago
You would be an idiot to have a baby with this man. He’s showing you who he is as a father
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u/HappySummerBreeze Helper [4] 1d ago
Of course it is. He is a man without honour or character. He is a man who doesn’t inconvenience himself to fulfil his obligations. He doesn’t have a big capacity to love either.
You knew these things when you married him.
All you can do now is be wise enough not to expose an innocent child to him to be let down
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u/admseven 1d ago
It is, but you already married the dude. I suggest not having his kid before your divorce. Or after it.
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u/Ok-Replacement-2738 1d ago
I mean I wouldn't marry someone who cpuld so easily disregard someone important to themselves, i think i'd actively be repulsed.
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u/ReserveElectronic235 1d ago
I think you need to make a serious plan for exit.
Please talk to your support system and see where they can help.
Try to seek legal advice in regards to the debt.
Can you apply for annulment?
Honestly people don’t change, past behavior is indication of current behavior.
The longer you stall, things can turn bad quickly.
Make up your mind, and seriously start making an exit plan.
Good luck.
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u/iamfilomena 1d ago
Now there's a man who likes to have kids and hates to be a father. Don't give him another kid for him to ditch
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u/IH8RdtApp 1d ago
Oh wow. I couldn’t imagine not wanting to spending time with my children. There is something really wrong to me about this behaviour and that poor child. 😖
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u/No-Ladder1393 1d ago
A father that doesn't want to spend time with his son is not a father. In past 7 years I haven't spent a single day without my 7 year old son. I can't even imagine going anywhere without him. Sometimes even my wife gets pissed.
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u/brassassasin 1d ago
he's a spineless, self-absorbed worm of a man. any GOOD man takes care of his kids and spends time w them. fuck him
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u/One_Water_2323 1d ago
There is a wise saying that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. Do. Not. Have. A. Baby. With. This. Man.
And wedding debts are for both of you to pay, he did go to the wedding didn’t he?
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u/Loud-Grapefruit-3317 1d ago
For experience, it might be.
Sometimes it is just the mother who uses the child as a weapon for being hurt.
Other times is him being a d*ck.
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u/BigD0089 21h ago
My grandpa always told me that if a dog don't take care of there puppies you gotta let that dog go
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u/DisastrousZucchini15 20h ago
Okay, but 5 days ago you broke up with an older man who was married? You need to seek help for your behavior.
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u/Beautiful_mistakes 17h ago
Smh you think? I swear sometimes you just have to learn the lesson the hard way. Hopefully you don’t have a child with him to really learn it.
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u/rmichalski 15h ago
You married this guy knowing that he's a deadbeat dad? Wow! That's a red flag that you yourself are flying.
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u/KTCantStop 1d ago
After reading OPs comments I have fixed the title of this post: “I’m bored of my marriage and looking for a way out with a seemingly plausible reason. I want strangers to agree he’s immature so it’s ok that I lied to him about being on birth control while trying to have children. I’m such a good person that I need an outside perspective instead of handling the situation like an adult.” If you want to leave then leave. It’s outright disrespectful to blast your partner’s personal business for internet points.
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u/Illustrious-Let-3600 1d ago
YUGE red flag. 🚩 Maybe he doesn’t like his ex wife, but this is his son. He chose to make a child with her. Even if she’s high conflict (and a lot of men write a kid off as a loss if BM is high conflict), it’s still no excuse. BM doesn’t get hurt, the son does. This is not an adult that can solve his own problems. There’s an old saying, “Don’t diss the ex because you might be her.” This woman is literally your future. Tell Daddy Dearest he either up and shows up for Sonny boy or it’s more over than a cancelled TV show
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u/Elmo_Chipshop 1d ago
You married a man knowing he doesn't care about his child and still married him anyway.
Good luck, single mama. Here's hoping the next one he goes after has more sense.