r/Advice • u/Future_Resource_6622 • 19h ago
How do I explain these things as gently as possible to my boyfriend?
Every morning when I want to clean, workout or shower, he hugs me. When I do stuff like that, I want to be left alone and not touched. If I say anything to him about not wanting to be touched at all some days, he'll automatically assume I don't love him anymore. It seems like no matter how hard I try to explain I don't want to be touched, he feels rejected and gets upset. He starts to say things like "so I guess we are like every other couple who can keep our hands off each other." How can I explain that I don't like being touched when focusing on things without him getting upset?
I also feel like I can't do anything without him getting upset over it. If he doesn't get hugs after a period of 20 minutes, he gets upset, which makes it hard to do things I like, like practice my singing, go on TikTok, social media, etc. If I enjoy anything that's not him, he gets upset. I try to incorporate these things to make it fun for him, like getting him to tell me if my singing is off, tell him about recent TikTok drama, but he doesn't seem to be into it. How do I ask for alone time if he gets upset that I need it since he doesn't enjoy things I like?
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u/Bunny_Bixler99 18h ago
If he doesn't get hugs after a period of 20 minutes, he gets upset, which makes it hard to do things I like
I love how the commenters in the peanut gallery are conveniently overlooking this. Sounds like an obnoxious combination of clinginess and need for control.
Velcro dogs and cats are cute. Adult humans? Not so much.
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u/0000udeis000 Helper [3] 17h ago
I couldn't even handle that from a pet - a human would have me running screaming
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u/HotPotatoWJazzHands 17h ago
Yeah I think this makes it beyond just a love language, if someone needed verbal reassurance every 20 minutes that would clearly be a sign of something deeper underlying
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u/Outrageous_Use3255 11h ago
I'm a nanny to a 4 year old. About 50 times a day (it feels like), he says, "I like you, teacher," and is expecting a response. It's cute for a 4 year old. I would not be able to handle an adult doing something similar.
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u/MichaelAndolini_ 11h ago
I like you, teacher
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u/No-Yogurtcloset-8851 7h ago
It’s so funny you say this because people have a hard time either the fact that my daughter and I will say I love you after every interaction. It’s partly the way I was raised and partly just knowing life is short and anything can happen and if it is my last time speaking to her the words I want to say are I love you.
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u/knarlomatic 4h ago
Different ways work for different people. If that really works for you two then carry on! For the majority of us it is too clingy and silly. Thats just us. Do not let anything or anyone change what makes life good for you two!
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u/SnooComics3275 12h ago
Agreed!
This screams of weird control issues, and the constant need for validation and attention just sounds EXHAUSTING.
I would RUN.
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u/katieintheozarks 17h ago
How does he manage all day at work being away from her and not having hugs every 20 minutes? This sounds more like a control issue where he just wants to interrupt whatever she's doing.
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u/Playful_Antelope124 17h ago
Yea, fuck that noise. It's one thing to have a different love language and entirely different thing to be an annoying clingy fuck. That shit gets annoying with even the cutest toddlers.....
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u/whatawitch5 16h ago edited 12h ago
So many people on here are so cynical. Don’t listen to them OP.
When I first fell in love with my boyfriend now husband at the tender age of 20, I was much like your boyfriend, OP. We were madly in love from the first sight and those feelings were incredibly powerful to the point where they made me a bit deranged for a while. I didn’t want to be away from him, ever, because being near him made me feel so amazingly good. It was almost like an addiction.
I insisted on doing everything together when we weren’t at work, from shopping to cleaning to watching tv, even showering. At first my boyfriend seemed fine with this, but after a few months he began to chafe under the strain of too much togetherness. He needed space. When he first tried to tell me about this I panicked like an addict losing their drug connection. I freaked out just like your boyfriend is doing because I was suddenly terrified that my intense feelings of love weren’t mutual. This made me even more sensitive to him asking for space, which made me more clingy, which made him push away more, and things started to spiral.
What finally broke this cycle was him sitting me down and explaining that he loved me to the depths of his soul, but that living like conjoined twins wasn’t healthy for our long term future together. He reminded me that we each needed space to continue to grow as people so that we could keep our relationship fresh and vital by bringing new things from the outside world back to share with each other. He framed his need for space as coming from the desire to make sure our relationship survived long term because he loved me so much he didn’t want to see it die of starvation or boredom.
It suddenly clicked for me that going out and doing things on our own was the best way to keep our relationship alive and thriving for the long term. He also made sure to regularly demonstrate that he loved me, especially before leaving to be alone and upon returning. It wasn’t easy and I had to learn to manage my own feelings of insecurity and fear, but after a while our relationship normalized. Then we both had new experiences to bring back into the relationship, which kept it fresh and new, and the hugs and kisses upon reuiniting after being apart were incredibly passionate because we were both so glad to see each other again.
So far it’s worked. This year my husband and I will celebrate 36 years of passionate love. I think if you realize that the reason your boyfriend is behaving like this is because he is madly in love with you, with extra emphasis on the word “madly”. He is a bit crazy from his love for you right now, but if you sit down and explain that you want space only to keep the relationship thriving I’m almost positive he will feel reassured and soon be able to tolerate being away from the source of his overwhelming passion.
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u/RuinEnvironmental916 14h ago
If OP does this and her Boyfriend still doesn't back off i do think they need to take a break. Not break up, but just take a break from each other.
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u/whatawitch5 13h ago
Agreed. But jumping to bad conclusions right off the bat could end what might otherwise become a lifelong love affair.
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u/JamieLee0484 11h ago
Why would anyone NOT jump to bad conclusions? She has REPEATEDLY told him that she doesn’t want to be touched at certain times, and he whines and guilt trips her and makes it about himself. He doesn’t give a shit that it makes her uncomfortable. He’s being extremely selfish, clingy and inconsiderate. No, she should not just roll over and give up her bodily autonomy so clingy mc clingerson doesn’t have a tantrum. Absolutely not.
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u/-BigChile Helper [2] 12h ago
Interestingly enough though, this was achieved by your boyfriend that had the sense to sit you down and let you know. The "bad conclusion" is more of a reality when one doesn't know how to do what your boyfriend did.
Follow me on this, what happens when a communication and understanding isn't established (like in your case)? Resentment. The very thing your boyfriend wanted to avoid. He just (lucky for you) was able to explain it to you in such an amazing way. He was weary of that "bad conclusion", or then why would he find it important to sit you down, if not?
Unless I'm misunderstanding exactly what you mean by a bad conclusion. It just sounds like you're attaching your experience to someone's experience where the variables of how effective these two can communicate and understand may not be at the level that your boyfriend showed you. If that makes sense.
Aka, we shouldn't downplay what could lead to resentments. We don't know if OP has the necessary capacity to explain things, or if OP's partner has the capacity to understand why it affects OP as such. I get that in your story that's how it worked out but OP is the "boyfriend" in your story. It's an extremely difficult conversation if you put yourself in his shoes. Stress becomes a factor. Not everyone deals with that healthily.
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u/Argylius 13h ago
I for one enjoyed reading this. It’s funny how wanting to be together all the sometimes time has a way of pushing loved ones away. I concur with you that having some time apart is healthy for the relationship
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u/Far-Sector-8991 16h ago
This just gave me the biggest ick of my entire life lol 😂 what a toddler
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u/AdSuspicious9606 14h ago
Not a single one of my 3 toddlers even need this much physical touch in a day.
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u/Who_Am_I_1978 Helper [3] 14h ago
I don’t know, even my freaking Velcro cats can annoy me with their clingyness at times…I’ll tell them I’m touched out and need me time 🤣 I think they understand 🤷🏻♀️
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u/llorensm 17h ago
Your boyfriend sounds insecure and needy. Those would be major turn offs for me, personally.
You have a right to your bodily autonomy, and if your bf can’t or won’t be okay with that, you may not be compatible.
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u/Most_Mountain818 15h ago
Oof. I don’t like the manipulative “so I guess we are like every other couple who can keep our hands off each other.”
I think you can explain this as gently as you want, but it’s not going to matter because he doesn’t care. It’s about what he wants (whether it’s physical reassurance or to interrupt you) and not what you want at all.
You could try explaining that you need the momentum you started the task with to keep doing it. That being interrupted makes it difficult to focus and finish things and it has nothing to do with loving him.
But I still don’t think that will help. It sounds like he knows what he’s doing.
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u/Playful_Antelope124 17h ago
He sounds like a toddler. Have you tried getting him a cool toy to play with or maybe a tablet?
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u/itssomeone4sure Super Helper [9] 18h ago
You have the right to not be touched when you don't want to be and he. should understand that and accept it without getting offended. Are you against being touched in general or just in these specific situations and he isn't respecting that? I mean your in a relationship so some amount of touch is natural. If you're ok with touch, in general, then you may be dating a clingy controlling guy. In which case you might not find that he can change it. Do you think that he is clingy and controlling?
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u/Certain_Mobile1088 16h ago
Abnormal behavior. He is clingy, jealous, insecure, dependent—take your pick or mix and match.
I wouldn’t last 2 days with someone like this.
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u/AnimeLegends18 6h ago
I get clingy and dependent. What made you say jealous tho?
Genuine question
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u/artnium27 5h ago edited 5h ago
I'd assume
If I enjoy anything that's not him, he gets upset.
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u/AnimeLegends18 5h ago
Ah, so he's one of those insecure-anxious people then. Don't think I've met one but I kinda feel pity for them in a way. How bad must they have been scarred that their mind is in constant turmoil about whether their partner loves em or does not like them?
I'd reccomend therapy for people like him but after that, it's in their own hands
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u/SlumberVVitch 17h ago
What if you were just super blunt and told him “go away so I can miss you”?
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u/suhhhrena Helper [3] 2h ago
Considering everything written here, I think the guy’s head would explode. He seems incredibly clingy and overbearing.
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u/Next-Drummer-9280 Helper [2] 17h ago
Is he a toddler? Because he’s sure acting like one.
How can I explain that I don’t like being touched when focusing on things without him getting upset?
You can’t. Because he’s more invested in acting like a baby than an adult. So be direct and let his childish self be upset.
Why exactly are you with this guy? I mean, are you allowed to pee by yourself?
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u/sheetsAndSniggles 17h ago
How old is he ? I understand he may have some trauma but Jesus Christ lol
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u/bumcity_designs 18h ago
First off you sound very emotionally mature to me the way you handled it like trying to incorporate him with your activities thats a good way to handle things imo.
Second off perhaps MAYBE its not about the hug, but about the way the hug is asking/taking your attention when youre trying to focus on your activity
maybe its the way that the hug is saying, why you dont pay attention to me and instead you do this other thing
That can be hard to deal with , if you think this is it you can approach it from that angle
Ask him, does he feel like he gets enough attention/love from you , if no then ask him why not , we do this we do that
Like.. let him come to the conclusion that he does get enough attention and he dont need that extra
sometimes we let our past hurt talk without noticing, he can snap out of it maybe
Anyways im yapping, i may be even completely off, let me know
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u/CronkinOn 7h ago
I think everyone fully trashing the dude are way out of line based off only your recounting here. But hey that's reddit for you.
That said, being compatible with your partner on physical attention needs is a VERY large component. You're not doing him any favors staying with him if he wants constant touching and you don't. It's ok for that to be a deal breaker, and it doesn't make him the asshole... Just different with different needs.
Talk to him about YOUR needs like an adult, preferably after fully understanding your needs, and see if you can understand/respect each other's needs while meeting your own as well. If you can't... Move on and find someone more compatible.
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u/New_Cheesecake_2675 17h ago
How old are you? As a guy, this would drive me crazy too.
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u/handheldsnail 12h ago
I know that on reddit it's customary to support the POV of the poster and take their story at face value but..
I try to incorporate these things to make it fun for him, like getting him to tell me if my singing is off, tell him about recent TikTok drama, but he doesn't seem to be into it
I also questioned how old they are because what kind of relationship is this? I wonder if he actually wants "hugs every 20 mins" or if he's actually neglected in the relationship and starting to get anxious over it..
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u/KaleidoscopeHour3148 15h ago edited 15h ago
Tell your bf he’s a stage 5 clinger and if he can’t respect that you need personal space you’ll find a bf who does
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u/NinoRasic 18h ago
I think you got a kid not a boyfriend.... its time to get someone more compatible
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u/Yogiktor 15h ago
I say this with sincerity- If you're asking how you are supposed to train a grown man to be considerate, respect boundaries and have emotional maturity - you don't. Send him back to his momma.
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u/neonangelhs Helper [2] 18h ago
It sounds like you both have different expectations for physical affection. You should sit down and discuss this so you both know where your comfort zones meet.
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u/Alternative_Safety35 17h ago
Hmm don't give me the both sides bs, he is the one with the issue, sounds like a child in fact. How does he manage when he's at work? This neediness won't end well. He needs some help with it imo.
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u/RealDonutBurger 13h ago
He needs some help with it imo.
I would argue that actually talking it out with him is way more helpful than any of the other comments in this comment section, which seem to prioritize insulting the boyfriend rather than offering genuine advice.
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u/mrs-poocasso69 Helper [3] 17h ago
He is not entitled to touch your body, sexually or otherwise. If he cannot understand that, he is not mature enough to be dating.
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u/katieintheozarks 17h ago
Does anybody else in your life have this issue where they need to touch you every 20 minutes?
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u/use_more_lube 13h ago
in a 3 year old, that's 100% normal and to be indulged
in an adult or older teen, that's concerning
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u/Minaya19147 16h ago
Fuck being gentle. He’s not honoring your boundaries and being a manipulative asshole about it. Time for him to see the consequences of his actions.
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u/MathematicianNew2770 17h ago
Get out of the relationship. You can't give him the affection he yearns for. He repulses you. You hate it. You now know what he wants, and the fact is you can't give that to him.
You are both not compatible.
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u/Mission_Art_6547 18h ago
This really feels like a situation where he’s really just an attention whore, I don’t know how long you two have been together but imo this is a giant red flag. These kinds of behaviors turn into being a jealous control freak. Which are rooted in severe insecurity’s. You should be able to just tell him the truth and maybe do it out of the blue. And not when he’s asking for said hug. Draw boundaries. Let him know you care for him and love affection. But you are your own person and he doesn’t need to disrupt you when you’re doing stuff. And if he wants to work out with you/clean with you then that would be awesome.
Also just politely tell him it’s a turn off and be open and tell him you are very attracted to him but being like this sadly turns you off.
If he doesn’t respond properly to this adult interaction well it may be time to make a pro and con list.
Good luck
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u/OkContext9730 12h ago
Every time I hear a story like this I always want to ask “do you really like your partner?” Because I feel like clinginess happens when the partner doesn’t feel the love
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u/peacelovetacos247 17h ago
Stop trying to coddle him and value yourself enough to set a firm boundary. If he doesn’t like it, let him. Let him decide if he’s okay with accepting it or not. If he decides his love for you overcomes his “inconvenience” of not touching you every hour, you can stay together. If he decides that’s not what he wants in a relationship, then amicably split up. There’s no need to be rude or hateful to each other, just accept that you have different wants and needs and move on. But please stay true to your likes/interests and don’t stop loving the things you love because a man doesn’t approve (or anyone for that matter).
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u/Sally_Sancerre 17h ago
RUN.
"I can't do anything without him getting upset over it"
This is never ever going to go away, it's going to get worse. You're boyfriend needs therapy and probably has an undiagnosed personality disorder. See if this sounds familiar:
https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/personality-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder
You don't need to explain anything gently, you need to talk to friends and family members who have your back and get out of this relationship. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
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u/OpheliaLives7 15h ago
Dump him and enjoy your alone time. You’re not his mommy, he shouldn’t need constant physical validation from you to the point of messing with your daily routine
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u/farahwhy 14h ago
Him getting upset is not your problem. It’s his. Just do the things you want to do and let him deal with it.
His behavior sounds possessive and controlling. If you really dont like it then move on. But something tells me you do…
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u/Angylisis 13h ago
he sounds like a chore. And it sounds like you see him as a chore.
He needs to either understand and respect your boundaries, or you need to get rid of him. People that don't respect your boundaries never all of a sudden "get it" and start respecting them.
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u/Electronic-Cloud3698 11h ago
My guess is your love languages are not in synch. Take the tests and discuss the results. Each of you need to make a commitment to be versatile to your partners needs.
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u/Lumpy-Check134 8h ago
The answer to your question lies in better communication and making him feel loved and reassured. He needs to understand that love and affection can be expressed in many ways.
In your example: 'If he doesn't get hugs after 20 minutes, he gets upset, which makes it hard to do things I enjoy, like practice my singing or spend time on TikTok and social media. When I try to make these things fun for him, like asking for feedback on my singing or sharing TikTok drama, he doesn’t seem interested,' this reveals the core issue in your relationship. TikTok and social media often consume far more time than we intend. The real question is, does he feel upset, or does he feel neglected?
It’s wonderful that you try to share your interests with him, but have you considered how much time both of you dedicate daily to making the relationship work? I once dated someone who spent excessive time on social media—what she described as ‘just ten minutes’ often turned into hours. It became a red flag for me, and eventually, we broke up because our communication revolved entirely around her online activities.
Your situation isn’t identical to mine, but here are some key questions to reflect on: 1. Are you giving your relationship the time and affection it needs? 2. Can you understand his point of view, and do you both communicate in a healthy way? 3. Have you set boundaries and compromises that work for both of you? If you believe you’re doing everything right, it’s time to assess where you stand and determine whether his actions are deal breakers for you
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u/legitimate_sauce_614 7h ago
as a person thats dating someone who was diagnosed after we started dating, each other's neurodivergencies are our own to manage. therapy to understand ourselves and just how far our heads are up our own asses are always helpful.
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u/organic_soursop 5h ago
I'm exhausted just reading this.
I couldn't abide such behaviour. A partner not respecting something so basic would lead to some sharp words.
Sorry, but you probably need to tell him you're glad to be with him but that he isn't a child to want constant reassurance.
Is he clingy about things too?
Ugh, no. You can't fill whatever void he has going on.
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u/Much-Space6649 3h ago edited 3h ago
I always got confused whenever I felt pissed off at my partner but couldn’t pinpoint why he was making me so irritable. Took me a while before I realized I felt that way because I get overstimulated, so new stimuli such as him touching and talking to me can cause me to become agitated.
It’s not actually anything to do with him, it’s simply the case that you can’t handle any more stimuli and need to calm down before you can touch again.
So just talk to your partner about overstimulation and pay attention to when you’re annoyed with him, if it’s because you feel overwhelmed or if there’s a genuine reason in the moment.
Then he knows it’s not a relationship issue, you won’t get overloaded and you guys can figure out what situations you need to be left to yourself in.
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u/Most-Explanation-467 15h ago
Your boyfriend sounds insufferable and if you’ve communicated your needs to him multiple times and nothing has changed, it means he doesn’t care about or respect them. He has issues that need to be resolved before he dates anyone.
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u/DemureDamsel122 15h ago
This doesn’t seem to have occurred to you, but this is a control thing. And it’s a HUGE red flag.
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u/Fluffy-Travel-7883 8h ago
You don't seem like you truly love him or even could. Which is totally okay and normal.
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u/PriorResult9949 Helper [3] 16h ago
Ohhhhhhhh… I know what this is. I will try to squeeze it all in here for ya. Soooo… I am not a licensed therapist to diagnose anything and I don’t pretend I am. But am going to share with you my experience and hope I can help you. You have got a problem. The only way to resolve it is to break up with that man. There is no talking, reasoning, trying to get him to see your point of view in any thing. He will never understand because he doesn’t want to. Your feelings will never matter. He could become physically abusive or not. But he is going to be psychologically abusive and mind fuck you so hard that you will be a shriveled up husk of the person you were before he ever fell into your path. I dated a man like this. Truth be told, more than one man like that. It took many years for me to understand how I was attracting men like this. That is another conversation I would love to have if you wanted to talk more in depth. Just message me.
This man I dated is a covert narcissist. He worked his way into my life and eventually into my apartment and did his best to take over. I was telling another young woman about this and I referred to him as a human tape worm. An emotional parasite. Or a HoBoSexual. They find some weakness in us to latch onto, charm their way in and burrow into our life like an infection.
One of many times, in this example, I was cooking dinner. We went to the store together, it was a decent day ( not too much fighting )lol. I had planned to make a home made dinner from scratch as a treat. I wanted to spoil him. Well.. that was not good enough for him because I was in the kitchen for too long! And he completely lost his mind because I wasn’t paying attention to him. He was only 3 feet away. He could come into the kitchen any time. Or help. But no. He lost his mind and then there were accusations of cheating and this and that and what ever. But I got that whole run down of how he felt hurt and all kinds of bullshit. That turned into a hours long of arguing.
Does that sound familiar to you? He ruined that evening And many more. They don’t ever stop. Never. That constant need to touch you and be all over you and for your attention never ever goes away. He is lacking the emotional capacity to feel empathy. To read a room. It’s all about them and to his core he is empty and nothing but insecure. Those accusations of cheating? It’s really a tell in what they are doing. Make no mistake, he is talking to other women when you’re taking a shit. Because you’re not paying attention and he needs someone to. It’s all about them.
If you have children? It’s gets worse. He will punish you for caring for your infant and not caring for him. This doesn’t get better. They get violent and if you pull all the cards and they have nothing left, then he is likely to cry. But just know those are not real tears. It’s pure manipulation rolling out of his face.
There is no gently explaining shit to someone like that. They are committed to misunderstanding you and really don’t give any fucks about your feelings. Sorry to break it to you but you’re in a war that you can never win. You may not want your fight but they’ve already made that decision for you. You’re gonna fight. They only thrive on fighting and fucking. And if you’re not doing either of those things? You’re going to be punished and gaslit to the point you have no idea who you even are anymore. They will isolate you from your family and friends. They just have control of you at all times. Know where you are for instant access to attention. If you don’t answer your phone or call back, you’ll have a grip of missed calls and it be an all night routine of yelling and screaming about how you’re cheating and this or that or don’t love them etc etc.
Listen. I have many examples of this. But I’m not the only one. So my advice is be prepared to have to get a restraining order of he doesn’t just leave. You will need to change your locks. This can be very serious. You really don’t know this man. They have many masks and the person he sold you on when you got together is not the real him. He has to lock his victim in somehow. They can’t keep up that charade very long.
I suspect that you already know this. Deep down. Cut your ties. Just know it won’t stop until he find a new victim. He will keep trying to come back but don’t fall for it. Fake tears or threats of suicide. If he pulls that card, just call the police and tell them that you have tried to kick him out and he is threatening suicide. Tell them you’re scared. That will shut it down. You should probably have his shit packed and ready for him to just come get it. Don’t give him the chance to fuck around and beat your ass when he is supposed to get his shit out. You should probably have someone there as a witness.
Let him go. You’re in for a life of misery with this guy. And I suggest you seek some therapy because there is damage. There is. There is a reason we attract people like this and choose to ignore red flags. We take em in like a stray dog. My excuse was that I believe I didn’t deserve any better and that he is sick but he just needs love like anyone else. I was raised in a narcissistic household dynamic. Which I ended up attracting boyfriends like that. You need to talk to someone and find tools for navigating relationships like that or knowing when to call it quits when you see those flags.
You came here for advice. Many people have been thru it. I think many of us have dated this guy. You’ve got to put an end to it because what you allow will continue.
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u/use_more_lube 13h ago
it's possible he's warming up to be an abuser - I had that thought myself
but also possible it's just that the BF has undiagnosed and untreated mental health issuesIt's absolutely NOT her job to fix him, and in my advice I suggested she walk as well.
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u/MyEnchantedForest 12h ago
It lined up with my experience of being married to a covert narcissist too. The emotional manipulation upgraded over time, as did the need for touch - it slowly went from hugs to sexual. He thought he could just touch me in any way, whenever, and would use the exact same lines like "I suppose we don't really have a proper love" or "wives are meant to want to love their husbands". If OP relates to any of these comments, I really recommend reading the book Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft - there's free copies online.
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u/byteme4188 8h ago
I've been lurking around this sub for a bit and after reading the comments I can't say I'm surprised. The difference in tones and perspective is interesting.
OP some food for thought.
Your a women posting about your boyfriend clinging too you and everyone is telling you to drop him and tell him to grow up.
On threads where men has posted this they were told to stop treating their women in a way that makes them feel unwanted and not validated.
If I were you I'd ignore the evidently biased advice your getting here and go look at posts of the same situation but from a man's perspective.
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u/Minimum-Rough-7268 1h ago
This..i like the way you pointed out the truth very much...whenever it comes to a girl.."leave him".."he's a toddler" but guys never see their gfs that way....it makes me laugh how hypocrite women are nowadays
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u/1568314 17h ago
This is very simple. He thinks his desire to use you as a squeeze toy should be more important to you than feeling safe and comfortable in your own body.
Whether it's intentional or because he's immature, he's manipulating you. Look up DARVO. It's a tactic abusers use to emotionally manipulate their victims. They deny they did anything wrong, attack your perspective and the validity of your feelings, and reverse the victim and offender (I'm the one who is hurt because you won't let me have control of your body).
What this boils down to is that he doesn't respect you as a partner. No matter what he tells you, his actions show how easily he disregards your consent and dismisses your feelings. I'd be willing to bet there are exactly 0 other people in his life that he has a hard time respecting or understanding physical boundaries for. It's not that he's too much of an idiot to remember or empathize with how you feel. He literally doesn't care and thinks he should be able to dictate your feelings.
Since you know he's not too stupid to understand or respect the boundaries you've laid down, you know for a fact the problem is that he doesn't care how you feel.
There are no magic words to make him care. Your only choices are to shut up and let him treat you as he wishes, continue going through this cycle of discomfort and guilt, or leave. You can't make him into a different person who is decent enough to show you respect.
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u/brownsfan100aj 9h ago
I'm going to go against the majority of the comments and ask you this, do you show him any sort of physical attention? I agree that he needs to respect when your focused on something, he needs to let you have your space and do what you're doing. But what about the rest of the time? You mentioned how you want to include him in your interests. I get that, but he's going to have zero interest in any of that if he feels like he can't approach you at any point for a simple hug. I think you two need to have a serious discussion about this. If he's being overly clingy, he needs to back down a bit. If you're being a stonewall don't touch me at all, maybe you need to evaluate that aspect. If you guys can't come to a common ground, it sounds like an incompatible relationship. The only thing worse than breaking up is being with someone that makes you feel alone or resentful.
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u/Ktucker01 9h ago
He should dump you. Go ahead push him away . It deteriorates your relationship and you don’t deserve him. He should be with someone that will love him back and you’re not the one.
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u/TheBlindLightBulb 8h ago
So you have a man who loves you and care about showing it to you, but you are just too stubborn to accept it. Simple, end the relationship and find a man who treats you like garbage.
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u/Appropriate-Cup-246 7h ago
In a way, you are right. This will also have adverse effects on the mentality of the other half. They need to figure out a way. Getting some professional consultation from a person who knows neither, is a good way to start. If they seek consultation from people they know might lead to biased guidance, which is not fair on either.
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u/_gas_factory 5h ago
Honestly you don’t really love him. You need to find a way to actually realize that. You need to end it and do him a favor because he’s showing you affection. Just end it girl. But I bet when he isn’t affectionate you get pissed. You need to seriously find someone else that doesn’t annoy you by just hugging.
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u/Subject-Divide-5977 4h ago
Or find someone you truly love and want to share your hugs with. Let him find his comparable partner too. You are not it.
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u/KMannocchi 17h ago
As a person that has moments and even days I don't want to be touched at all, it makes me think there may be some past trauma in OP's life driving this. It does not make you a bad person or a selfish person but if things continue this way you will end up resenting him. If you want to stay with him you need to have open and honest communication. Let him know where your head is and think if you want the situation long term.
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u/StyraxCarillon Super Helper [6] 17h ago
It's all about his needs, and he clearly doesn't care what you want or need.
Parents (usually moms) get "touched out" when their kids are clinging to them all day. I can't imagine having to deal with a child, AND a grown man who is this selfish and needy. At least kids have an excuse.
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u/Mallory1999 16h ago
I know nobody wants to be hung on! That's ridiculous! He is very insecure and needs a self esteem!! Leave this mess
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u/r_pastrami 16h ago
An ex of mine let me know when I was touching her too much. I got the message and add sure to read the room after that
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u/Ok-Boysenberry-4994 16h ago
He does sound insecure but you are not responsible for his neediness. You’re trying to set boundaries without hurting his feelings and he’s not hearing you.
I’ve always had those reactions to ppl and learned SO much about it when my kids were young and I had to read about certain sensory processing issues.
Introverts recharge their emotional/mental “batteries” by having alone time with no one touching them or intruding on their space or time to themselves. (Extroverts are the opposite, need social interaction to charge their batteries/fill their buckets, what have you).
Sensory seeking vs. sensory defensiveness is another factor. I love my husband to no end, but e.g. please don’t touch me while we’re sleeping😂
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u/Bambersuta 15h ago
This behavior seems kind of obsessive from him.
Of course we’re only getting a snapshot, and it’s not uncommon for physical touch to be an important method of expressing affection. Does he have things he likes to do? Play video games, projects, anything like that? I’d ask him to think about how he’d feel if you were to come on to him while he was focused on something.
I had this issue with my own partner for a while before he understood, and unfortunately there’s no perfect way to explain it. It has to be explained to him in a way that he will understand, and unfortunately if he’s only going to get defensive instead of trying to understand how you feel, then he’s never going to understand. If you want to keep trying, try and be patient, and think of as many different methods to explain it to him as you can. If possible, think of a scenario in which the situation was reversed and he felt the same way you do so that he can start to understand. Just be careful that it doesn’t sound like an attack, although with how he’s reacted so far he may still get defensive anyway. Sorry, OP. Wish there was better advice
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u/Commercial_Border190 13h ago
I've also been in a similar situation and had to do the same things you mentioned to resolve it. Ugh it just really fucking sucks that a simple "no I don't like that" can't be good enough.
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u/TraumaticEntry 15h ago
It sounds like it’s not just about touch but also about how you spend your time. Your BF sounds controlling tbh.
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u/xanadamn 15h ago
Honestly, you guys just might be incompatible. Some people want/need constant attention and some people don't and can't work well with a partner who does. I'm the latter and couldn't stand someone like him -- and haven't in the past. I just left the relationship citing 'irreconcilable differences' after talking it out didn't work for long enough I assumed it would never work
(...this may not be the way, because there was a lot of fighting after that. so. ymmv. I'm not saying make excuses but once I told them what the differences were it was all kinds of begging and pleading and then fighting and oh boy did it solidify that I made the right choice but oh God it was exhausting)
I hope you figure it out in a way that suits you both ♥️
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u/Vomnember Helper [3] 15h ago
Tell him he is either going to have to figure out how to handle it or become inevitably unbearable to you and get nothing. This would drive me mental.
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u/bigbadbookie 15h ago
Sounds like y’all aren’t compatible, like, at all.
Also your boyfriend sounds chronically insecure. How do you keep any attraction to him when he acts this way?
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u/Specific-Ad6683 14h ago
He’s experiencing “primal panic” b/c he is insecurely attached… An example of an anxious attachment style. This takes therapy and a lot of awareness to overcome. Check out attachment styles on YouTube by Thais Gibson. It might help him understand himself. But you should dump him, queen. You are not right for each other because he is hyper needy and won’t respect your boundaries.
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u/Regular_Boot_3540 14h ago
He sounds very emotionally immature and insecure, and there is a huge mismatch there. He needs to go to therapy to learn to know himself better and how to take care of himself emotionally, or you need to move on.
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u/HuckleberryUpbeat972 Helper [3] 14h ago
Dude got some kind of separation anxiety! It’s annoying as fuck someone pushing up on you every 20 minutes? Get a life, real trust issues with this one! He is a freaking stalker! Watch out!
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u/Charming_Brain9934 14h ago
He likely has trauma as a kid and some therapy would help. He’s going to suck you emotionally dry and so you could ask him to address these issues or you can leave. I’m sure you know his past and he needs to work on the shit or you just need to move on.
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u/threespire 14h ago
It sounds like he has quite complex self esteem issues if he needs a hug every twenty minutes.
Has he given a reason why?
It all sounds quite overwhelming.
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u/Electronic-Hall430 13h ago
Sounds like yall may not be compatible. You need to find someone who doesn't need as much attention. He needs to find someone who will like the attention and give it back.
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u/seekthesametoo 13h ago
Codependency it sounds like. Took therapy and an audiobook to help me start reducing that.
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u/sphinxyhiggins 13h ago
He sounds clingy and possessive in a bad way. Who wants to make out or cuddle after working out? You are not a possession and personal space is a real thing.
The fact he gets upset and assumes the worst means he's immature. He's also manipulative. Your actions do not merit the response he gives you.
I would consider dumping him like a hot penny. TBH, he sounds incredibly unattractive. You sound interesting and like you have a fulfilling live. He sounds like an energy vampire.
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u/chouxphetiche 13h ago
He wants all of you, all the time. If he didn't need his job so much, he'd quit so he can keep tabs on you. He's extremely clingy and emotionally violent if he doesn't get his way. You will turn into him as a way to cope with his needy tantrums. You will lose you. Get out.
I felt suffocated and sick just reading this.
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u/lacilynnn 13h ago
Heyo this is wildly controlling behavior. Iron Maiden says it best:
🎶 Run to the hills
Run for your liii-iife 🎶
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u/GrandmaBallSack 13h ago
sounds like ur over exaggerating a bit, every 20 minutes? It’s like when you were a kid and ur dad said you’ve been on the game for 2 hours but you’ve really been playing for 30 minutes.
Also just sounds like you and your boyfriend just aren’t that compatible, he needs someone who hugs him and cherish and you need someone to, well, be there, like an acquaintance? Both work.
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u/captcrash05 12h ago
I'd say the most effective way to respectfully get some alone time is to just break up with your girlfriend. At least that's what I'd do because she sounds like too much maintenance..
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u/Street-Substance2548 12h ago
Sounds like the two of you aren't compatible, touchy-feely-wise.
Nothing wrong with that. He also sounds somewhat insecure.
Not everyone we love is a good match 🤷♀️
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u/Cold-Dot-7308 11h ago
It’s best they break up. From this I can cleary see they aren’t compatible as people have clearly stated he is this and that. They are both wasting their time in the relationship
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u/PickelMan9999 11h ago
Would you rather he sit on PlayStation (or porn) all day until you can fit him into your schedule? Yes, he does sound needy. You just need to tell him you need a certain amount of "me" time, and let him know in advance "I'm on me time" for however. Also, don't walk around half dressed or anything that might make it hard for him to ignore you while on "me" time. Lol.
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u/MythicosBaros 9h ago
Reddit is an extremely unhealthy place. Good luck with the life advice lol
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u/ActuarySpecial7717 9h ago
Im sure there are things about you he would rather you didnt do. Either tell him you dont like it or just deal with it.
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u/NameMisspelled 9h ago
Does he have hobbies? What is he doing all day other than needing to touch you every 20min? Does he not work or play video games or read or idk knit?
Maybe he needs a hobby. The loneliness might be getting to him and he may be jealous and is very clingy because he sees you have hobbies and he doesn't and he can't enjoy himself like you can so he attached himself to you.
If the gentle approach doesn't work flip the question on him and ask if he enjoys spending every waking moment attached at your hip without autonomy or a life of his own. Maybe it'll give him some perspective into what he's doing because he needs to understand that this clinginess is not normal behavior.
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u/ShiftyCow-444 8h ago
It sounds like his love language’s are physical touch and quality time, so he expresses his feelings that way and feels loved when it’s returned. I’m the same way and can be clingy too, but my bf clearly explained he doesn’t like PDA and I’ve had to learn to gauge when he’s not in the mood to be hugged/touched. It’s just a matter of communicating your feelings without accusing him of being clingy or annoying.
You might also ask why he feels that way, to understand better what his reasons are for wanting to hug you so much. Mine are because I have an anxious-preoccupied relationship attachment style, so I need a lot of reassurance that he isn’t going to abandon me (like my dad did). You might look up attachment styles and see if that helps y’all communicate where you’re coming from!
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u/OverCorpAmerica 8h ago
First off this isweird AF! I understand alone time but this is someone you supposedly love?? Yeah get help asap!
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u/craycroi11 7h ago
The problem with guys and "hugs" is that they turn sexual when you're busy doing something, and it feels insulting. Like, you're trying to clean out the fridge but didn't you realize what you were doing was supposedly an invitation for sex? It's like, "get a life"...
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u/CronkinOn 7h ago
I think everyone fully trashing the dude are way out of line based off only your recounting here. But hey that's reddit for you.
That said, being compatible with your partner on physical attention needs is a VERY large component. You're not doing him any favors staying with him if he wants constant touching and you don't. It's ok for that to be a deal breaker, and it doesn't make him the asshole... Just different with different needs.
Talk to him about YOUR needs like an adult, preferably after fully understanding your needs, and see if you can understand/respect each other's needs while meeting your own as well. If you can't... Move on and find someone more compatible.
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u/asark003 7h ago
I would give anything to be hugged and touched like that all the time…don’t take this for granted. But also I see the other side that if you truly need your space he should give it to you…
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u/stressed_tfo_2023 5h ago
Ugh the neediness would drive me crazy. The lack of respect for us sometimes. The man need constant physical touch even when we don’t. Their childish response makes us force ourselves to keep them happy then we resent them.
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u/madbull73 5h ago
Please, please, please save him from a lifetime of suffering and split with him now. It’s great that you have boundaries, there’s nothing wrong with that but you have just rattled off at least four things that you do where he, and his affection, aren’t welcome. That list will only get longer and more involved.
As a man that’s been married to a woman who “doesn’t like to be touched” for thirty years, if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have been married. Most of her “issues” didn’t show up until after our first kid, got worse after the second. Now after thirty years of pushing me away she doesn’t understand why we sleep separately, why we don’t cuddle. Now she wants what I tried to give her for a couple decades but now I’m over it, way to many years of rejection.
Some people just aren’t meant for each other. If he’s so needy that you can’t do “anything “ without him needing contact and reassurance then he may not be right for you. If you can’t find time in your schedule to meet his needs, give him the verbal, physical contact/reassurance that he needs, then you’re not right for him.
Your first step is an honest evaluation of your needs verbal/physical contact, time allocation, uninterrupted focus on tasks, etc. Then you need to realistically evaluate his needs verbal/physical contact, etc. Is he truly as clingy as you make him sound? Or does he just pester you until he gets what he needs? Relationships require compromise.
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u/hairychai 5h ago
You need to just be honest about what you need. Often, women just acquiesce to what others want as to not rock the boat. If you’re not direct and honest about what you need, or want then you’ll find yourself miserable.
Tell him what you need, want, like and expect. We won’t get unless we ask.
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u/StrawbraryLiberry 4h ago
I think you have to hold your boundary and let him be sad, because you've tried. This is something he has to work out within himself, you can't do it for him.
You can also just tell him to leave whenever you have stuff to do. Which is every day, I'm sure.
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u/GenericUser696969 4h ago
He probably has his emotions a little less ‘under control’ first thing in the morning. Have you tried having sex with him more often? Men NEED sex and women choose to disregard that aspect of a relationship when they are looking for a reason for why it’s not working. If you don’t want to have sex with him, that’s cool, but you should know that he will not be as happy and be looking for the healing hands of someone that understands what a men need to feel satisfied in a relationship that is confining them, but not meeting their needs. You could always let him get a release from other people, but always some bask to you. The risk of that is that he may find the intimacy of another woman more appealing than someone that does not know how to satisfy the needs, communicate a problem directly, and prefers asking internet strangers rather than considering that YOU are the problem. Well, I am sure one of these 100s of responses will work for whatever you are wanting to hear, but should you have picked any of them? Or just given him a BJ each morning and then been happy for an eternity.
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u/SalaryAlone9276 4h ago
I spent many years in relationships including a marriage with women that just weren’t that physically attracted to me. It bothered me every day and yes I’m a drive by affection kind of person, super high touch. If you’re my person I want nothing more than to be in contact with you. I’ve found a person that is just like me this way, nothing is more important to both of us than us. It’s been two years and we are still this way.
I posit that in the relationship such as the op’s and her posse there simply is not the physical chemistry needed.
Find someone who matches your crazy, I did, and I’ve never been happier. If you’re high touch find a partner who is as well. Too many folks settle for partners they simply do not belong with. The OP and her bf will simply not stand the test of time because they’re not well matched.
It’s not about being needy or a spoilsport, it’s about finding a lockstep match, most people never will.
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u/RainbowLizrd 4h ago
Damn, that’s a tough spot. But like, you’re not a machine - you need your own space sometimes. Maybe just tell him straight up, like “I love you, but I need a bit of time to myself here and there so I don’t burn out. It’s not me pulling away, it’s just how I recharge.” If he cares, he’ll get it. Real relationships aren’t just clingy 24/7 - it’s about giving each other room to breathe too
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u/lil-whiff 4h ago
My partner just says "baby, don't distract me, just let me finish this first"
And I say "ok, love you"
She says "love you too"
And then we go and keep ourselves busy
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u/Asleep_Flower_1164 4h ago
Say : Hey honey, you know I love you, right? But right now I am craving a bit of space to do things like shower, clean, work out, or even sing and scroll through TikTok. It’s not rejection I just need those moments to recharge so I can come back to you fully.That space helps me love you even better.
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u/Lost-Conversation948 3h ago
If your boyfriend can’t accept your request for space and then gaslight you for wanting that , I suggest you find a more mature partner
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u/angiebbbbb 3h ago
Either or both need to read the 5 love languages. His is obvious but he needs to understand yours and you both need to recognise what's going to work moving forward.
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u/brussels_foodie 3h ago
He sounds like an overbearing baby with severe insecurity and who knows how many other problems he'll make you the subject of.
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u/ShopMajesticPanchos 3h ago
Keep practicing boundaries.
You can also look at gentle-dominatrix or dommie mommies for inspiration.
They're trying to express affection, but you do not find their approach acceptable. You are their teammate, they need to adapt.
When my partner tries to comfort me, when I'm having a panic attack, I remove his arms and place his fingertips against mine, it's the only acceptable contact I will allow, and it forces us to be romantic without skin-to-skin contact. It's beautiful.
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u/EfficientIndustry423 2h ago
You bf needs to grow up. Not in the insulting sense but in regards to personal growth. He’s grown way too physically and emotionally attached that his personal growth is tied to you. You have to gently tell him how you feel and it’s not a slight against him. It’s how you focus. If he can’t get it, then well, you may not be compatible.
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u/Express-Macaroon8695 2h ago
This is annoying and odd. He needs to seek therapy because you more than likely are going to feel disgusted by him when having to mommy him gets to be too much.
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u/ItsGoodToChalk 2h ago
When I'm locked into something, or feeling overwhelmed or anxious, I do not like being touched or hugged.
My partner initially also felt hurt if I flinched when he tried to comfort me or just wanted a hug, but I clearly explained it to him.
He now senses when I'm in such a 'mood', and asks permission to touch me first.
Before I get jumped on - we have lots of spontaneous physical contact during the day, there are just sporadic moments when I can't.
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u/Confusedgmr 2h ago
Boundaries are important for every relationship. Those "other" couples are people who work out boundaries within their relationship.
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u/CreatrixAnima 2h ago
Next time he’s in the middle of a raid on his video game, go give him a big snuggly hug.
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u/Vivid_Excuse_6547 2h ago
So there is a thing called RSD - rejection sensitivity dysphoria - where perceived rejection or criticism triggers a disproportional emotional response.
It’s common in people with ADHD and other neurodivergence’s. It sounds like your boyfriend may be struggling with this. It might seem like his response is over dramatic or clingy but he’s really feeling distress over your annoyance with him.
If he has this he needs to figure out ways to help himself regulate and respect your boundaries but he’ll probably need some support/affirmation from you along the way.
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u/TheVoidIceQueen 1h ago
Holy emotional immaturity Batman.
How he responds to you is giving me Red Flag City and reminds me of a friend's abuser pos spouse. No one, especially an intimate partner should try to manipulate you into feeling guilty for unwanted physical contact. Just bc you're in a relationship doesn't mean that he (or anyone!) can do whatever he wants to you.
On the off chance that he is just odd:
Set Boundaries, be very clear, and communicate them often.
This is what I use for clingy toddlers: "no thank you, I need space. We can do [thing] when I am done in [time]."
For bigger kids and adults I say the same thing or: "it is very sweet of you to want to show that you enjoy hugging with me, but I am busy right now. How about you go and wrap up in a weighted blanket (or other sensory input activity) and get cozy and we can hug and snuggle (or whatever) when I am done in [time] sets timer"
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u/pogiguy2020 1h ago
You explain it once and if he cannot act like a grown man then its time to breakup and find a real man.
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u/tinyfryingpan 31m ago
Men feel they are allowed to touch you whenever they want. It's a societal problem. Even the nice ones unconsciously feel this way it seems.
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u/NINJ4steve 16h ago
Seems like his love language is physical touch and yours is not lol
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u/Subject-Divide-5977 4h ago
Yes, he needs to find a comparable partner. I found mine. We hug whenever we pass in the hallway. We hug when I go out to work. We hug when we come home from work or wherever. We hug all night every night. We have been married 49 years and hugging is how we show our love for each other. I read comments here and cannot relate. I feel for her partner.
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u/Whole_Presentation29 8h ago
End the relationship. Get a Cat. Or maybe a Goldfish. They won't express them selves. Men are visual. To him you are beautiful and he is letting you know. This will end and you will miss it.
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u/Dazzling-War8747 13h ago
Maybe she never shows affection, even though she thinks she does. Maybe having a mature conversation is in order.
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u/Calamityjim123 9h ago
First paragraph- different love languages.
Second paragraph- ocean of red flags.
He sounds needy and controlling. Partners are supposed to have interests outside of each other because they don't become a single human being when they start dating. He should actively not be a part of everything you do and it can be a small step that goes from pathetically clingy to dangerously possessive.
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u/CalyxTeren 9h ago
He’s being manipulative, trying to push you into being more touchy feely than you want to be. The fact that he’s doing it via whining rather than violence doesn’t make it okay.
This is an area where you’re not compatible. In a grown up relationship, people either accept these differences or break up. Staying in the relationship and whining to make the other person do what you want is not on.
If you accept this, then he knows he can push you into doing what you don’t want to do.
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u/elephant_ua 7h ago
As a guy who really likes hugging:
I think, he doesn't really need "a hug every 20 minutes". Make a hug couple times a day, when you feel like it, but a really long one. Think, 5 minutes strait. Maybe, 3. These small formal ones aren't doing any good for any of you.
And initiate the process, don't just wait for him to do this in the most inappropriate for you moment.
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u/Accurate_Ad9529 6h ago
Are people really this clingy and pathetic? Who needs hugs every 20 minutes? Sounds throughly exhausting. I would simply explain your position and explain that this does not affect your love for him in any way. You just need to be focused on your tasks and tell him to respect your boundaries. Simple and direct.
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u/siderealsystem 18h ago
I am guilty of doing this to my husband. This is what got me to change.
"Honey, I love you, but when I'm doing chores I'm locked in. When you come over to hug or poke or see me when I'm doing stuff, I get distracted, and then it takes longer. I promise if you want attention I'll give you it when I'm done doing my chores."
If your boyfriend can't respect something simple like this, he is never going to respect your boundaries.