How can I help my burnt-out neuroscience PhD bestie?

[u/anon_loves_leaves]

Hi everyone! My long distance bff is currently in her 3rd year of a PhD neuroscience program in the US, and I have never seen her more burnt out. She is dealing with grant submissions, writing her prospectus and preparing to defend, an unhelpful PI, and having her career and funding called into question due to the political situation in the US right now. I'm really worried for her physical and mental health. She is a ridiculously smart and diligent person but seems to be legit hanging on by a thread right now.

I feel bad that I can't seem to help much aside from being there for her from 10 states away and trying to be as encouraging/comforting as I can. My question to all the scientists in this sub is - when you were experiencing similar stressors/were at a similar point in your PhD journey, was there anything *specific* you wished the people in your life had done for you (or purchased for you)? Like what was the worst part about it for you and was there anything the people in your life could have done to make it appreciably better?

Thanks!

[u/oviforconnsmythe]

Yup. That period of the PhD is fucking tough. Can't imagine how much worse it is with the shitshow going on with the US gov rn. When I was going through a similar time, during a particularly bad crunch I remember I had a week straight of 15+h days - it was awful. I didn't shower or even change my clothes, I just got out of bed and worked from 11am-4am each day until I finished the proposal. The thing that helped me most during that time was my GF as she supported me when I was stress-ranting but also cooked for me (if she didn't I just wouldn't have eaten or would've survived on chips or something). So maybe you could order food/groceries for your friend from time to time? you seem like a really good friend.

[u/teflon_don_knotts]

My background is in medicine, so my perspective isn’t quite what you’re looking for, but maybe one of my suggestions will feel right for your friend. I’m not trying to put out “let them eat cake” vibes, I’m just thinking of things that would have helped me when things were bad.

-Set up scheduled calls. One of my best friends did this for me when I was in a really dark place during the pandemic. It was only once a week, but I knew he’d be calling me to ask how I was and remind that there was life beyond the microcosm I was living in. It honestly may have saved my life.

-Send her something you’ve made, even if it’s silly. Bake something (even if it’s terrible), draw a stupid little doodle (stick figures count as art), make her a friendship bracelet, etc. Some that is a tangible reminder that someone cares about her.

-Get her a desk lamp that has full spectrum light. We’re not in the depths of winter, but most of the workspaces I’ve used over the years had no natural light and that was really hard. In the same vein, see if she could use a better/bigger/2nd monitor for her workspace, a chair with better support, a desktop fan, etc.

-Send her some flowers or a very low maintenance plant. She certainly doesn’t need more responsibilities, but having something green might feel nice.

-Pay for a visit or two from a housekeeper.

-Put her up in a nice(ish) hotel for a night or two. If she’s doing most of her work at home it might be helpful to be away from the same 4 walls she’s been staring at 24/7.

-Pay for a massage.

-Get her a really nice pillow or set of sheets.

[u/ArgoCornStarch → u/teflon_don_knotts]

I like this answer. Small no pressure gestures that you simply care for their wellbeing.

[u/Tar_AS]

I wish I was told to leave PhD and academia, to find a good paying job and to stop overthinking it more often and prior to having burnout.