r/AutismTranslated • u/CamiPatri • 2d ago

Me ex: “Maybe you should speak to someone more compassionate about neurodivergence”

This really hurts because compassion is a choice and she’s saying she’s choosing not to care. That’s pretty shitty

14 Upvotes
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21

u/notlits 2d ago

It is a choice, but it’s also a learnt skill, your ex-may not have learnt that skill or had a family capable of teaching it. In a way it’s good that she is self-aware enough to realise it’s something she isn’t good at.

However, I’m not saying that to belittle you or your feelings, the feeling of rejection of not being supported by those we trust/trusted is awful, and I’m sorry you feel that way, I’m just trying to offer you a perspective which may make what she said feel less personal. I.e. Try to remember that others peoples inability to do things is a reflection of them and their experience, not a direct reflection of you.

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u/Siukslinis_acc 2d ago

It is a choice, but it’s also a learnt skill, your ex-may not have learnt that skill or had a family capable of teaching it. In a way it’s good that she is self-aware enough to realise it’s something she isn’t good at.

Yep. And i would say they are showing some compassion, they are aware that they can't meet ops needs and thus "lets them go" to find people who would better meet ops needs.

As the saying goes "if you love the person, let them go". You love the person, but you know you are also hurting them. And if you love someone you don't want to hurt them. So you are letting them go, so that you would no longer hurt them.

4

u/notlits 1d ago

Absolutely, that’s a great point, thank you! My thinking had got me part way there but this helps me see even more.

0

u/Possible-Departure87 1d ago

Nah that’s not love that’s just self-awareness sans caring enough to change. If you love someone you make an effort for them.

1

u/Siukslinis_acc 1d ago

But sometimes you know that the effort is not enough or it is against your core values.

Like, i can still love a person even though no matter the effort i can't go to a fish restaurant due to my severe fish allergy. And if eating fish is very important to them that they can't live without it - tuen better to end it instead of both of us having to suffer constantly.

2

u/Possible-Departure87 20h ago

If being with an ND is against your core values idk what to tell you, but I guess I’m glad you’re staying away from us.

Edit: if the effort is not enough that’s a reflection on how much effort you are WILLING to put in.

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u/Siukslinis_acc 20h ago

If being with an ND is against your core values

Where did you get that?

1

u/Possible-Departure87 20h ago

But sometimes you know that the effort is not enough or it is against your core values

Literally from your exact words lol

1

u/Siukslinis_acc 20h ago

Both nd and nt could have stuff against your values. I don't see nt/nd as a value itself.

If i value consistency and the other person is inconsisten, should i suffer the constant inconsistency? Yes, i would still try to work on it, but you might reach a point where you realise that no matter the work you put in nothig changes.

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u/Possible-Departure87 20h ago

But this isn’t about consistency this is about effort. ND folks will inherently take more effort for NTs to be in a relationship with than other NTs bc of many factors. So if you are unwilling to put in the effort that says more about you than the ND person.

Edit: also, consistency is part of effort, but I understand NDs can struggle with things like time blindness. It’s a case where both parties need to put in effort if they are to bridge the gap.

1

u/Siukslinis_acc 19h ago edited 9h ago

I mean more that people have their limits.

Lije try as you might, you can't stop stimming. So if a person is really bothered by your stimming, like maybe your stimming is overstimulating them, then maybe it is better for both of you to just go separate ways and find people who are more cpmpatable with you.

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u/PlasticMix8573 2d ago

What happened when you followed her advice?

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u/According_Bad_8473 wondering-about-myself 1d ago

Stop talking to your ex, it is good they are an ex

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u/SaintValkyrie 1d ago

Wow lots of people playing devils advocate here. It's always a trend to defend the other person who hurt someone i guess. .that was pretty ableist to say. I'm sorry. That'd pretty isolating

4

u/TwoSheepForahWheat 1d ago

On the contrary, ex was very logical. You will not find what you seek here is the spirit of the message. Respect the boundary, take care of yourself, good luck op!

2

u/Possible-Departure87 1d ago

Logic without emotions is just as lopsided as emotions without logic. It’s a cruel way to word “I don’t care about you enough to step up.”

Edit: which tbc is also cruel. In this case the kind thing for her to do would have been to simply state there are too many incompatibilities. No need to delve into OP’s neurodivergence at all. Brutal honesty is just that — brutal.

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u/TwoSheepForahWheat 1d ago

There is nothing to say that either party is devoid of emotion. Ex needs to prioritize themselves as does op. None of this is brutal and nobody owes anyone anything. Op made an ask and ex implied the ask was outside of there comfort zone. A no is a no. Op needs to reconcile that there self worth comes from within. Ex did a good job setting a boundry.

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u/Possible-Departure87 20h ago

It’s clear to me that you did not understand my original comment, or the difference between honesty and brutal honest. And that’s me being brutally honest with you.

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u/vahaemon 1d ago

It’s okay to have boundaries but the phrasing is def very hurtful imo. I’d also read it as “I don’t want to choose to be compassionate”. It would be different if it were something like “I don’t think we’re compatible but I wish you the best” or “I don’t know how to deal with this particular situation, is there anyone else you could speak to?”

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u/TwoSheepForahWheat 1d ago

Sure. I agree. It is hurtful. I'd be hurt if my ex told me to find compassion/love elsewhere as well. Such is life. My question is why did the ex say that? It's very specific. Could op be pushing and using there diagnosis as a bargaining chip? Who knows, it's one line. What we do know is the ex isn't able to provide what op is looking for and that should be respected.

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u/Possible-Departure87 1d ago

Yeah FUCK that. My ex saw my autism as an inconvenience too, and said things like “If you had done (x autistic behavior) before I got to know you I would be frustrated with you,” and he would constantly point out my “social deficits.” Someone who sees you, who cares about you, who actually is a compassionate person (not just regarding neurodivergence) would attempt to understand you. I don’t doubt you tried to make yourself understood. I feel like that’s the universal autistic experience — fighting to be understood.

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u/unnasty_front 1d ago

It sounds like she is telling you very directly that she doesn’t care about you and doesn’t want to talk to you.

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u/sechul 23h ago

Some people just suck, but at least she's being open about it. Better not to have them in your life. Imagine having a kid together and being blamed for your kid's neurodivergence while both of you have to deal with that same attitude.