r/AutismTranslated • u/MilkNCafe • 1d ago
Dating a Guy with Level 1 Autism - Seeking Advice on His Sudden Disappearance
Edited - I've been dating a wonderful guy with Level 1 autism for five months. We hit it off immediately, sharing many interests, and had a very loving and consistent relationship where we talked on the phone, texted and spent time together almost daily. He was always open about his background and workload, which is heavy and demanding, but it rarely seemed to significantly interfere with our connection besides 1-2 days.
Leading up to a work trip, we were in daily contact. He even told me he'd miss me and kept me updated throughout the trip with messages, memes and pictures. Since his return, he's completely disappeared. I've sent two low-pressure messages over the past month, just to check in and see if he's okay. I know he's active online with work-related posts, but he's completely silent with me.
Given the strength of our connection, I'm finding it hard to believe he'd just ghost me. I'm aware of his address, workplace, and social media, which makes his silence even more confusing. I'm trying to be respectful of his space, but I'm also worried he might be experiencing burnout, which I've been reading about. He also has comorbid anxiety, depression, ADHD, which I've read can impact burnout recovery. I've also read that some people on the spectrum have time blindness and may not realize how long they have been away.
I'm looking for advice from the autism community. How long does burnout usually last if this is burnout or a shutdown? Should I continue sending occasional, low-pressure messages, or should I assume he's ghosting and move on? Any insights would be greatly appreciated.
Update - Unfortunately, I've realized that he blocked me after the work trip. I looked at the two messages I sent in the past, this morning, and realized that neither was "delivered" even though they were spaced weeks apart. I'm really upset that he would make plans for the future with me and leading up to the trip, send me messages that indicate his continued interest in me and then randomly block me. Thank you all for your advice. I'm heartbroken but ready to move on.
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u/Possible-Departure87 1d ago
Whether he’s suffering from burnout or not this is not the kind of behavior that one who cares about you should be engaging in. He may struggle with time blindness as well but it is still his responsibility to check-in with you as your partner. Tell him what you need from him. If he can’t handle it, I don’t see how you can sustain a relationship with him.
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u/MsCandi123 1d ago
So true. I made so many excuses for the disrespectful behavior of men once upon a time. Spent so much time overanalyzing everything, and trying to make things work with people who weren't also trying, breaking my own heart by not wanting to give up on them, because I was lonely and the dating landscape can be pretty dismal. When you add in being ND and demisexual, it gets really hard to find someone you would even have the connection to want that with, so when I did I had a hard time letting go. I also worried so much about if I was doing it right, like "the rules," not texting too soon, not saying something that would sound too enthusiastic and scare them off, etc.
I had guys disappear for long periods and come back around when they felt like it. In one case, he was just troubled and didn't want the serious commitment I did. Or maybe was just incapable. The other one was much worse, it turned out was secretly addicted to meth, and had a few women he was juggling, including one who had recently had his baby! The Jerry Springer of it all. But, when I met my husband, it was like a lightbulb moment bc all that went out the window. He texted me right after our first date, to say that he liked me a lot and wanted to do it again, and the rest was history. Oh. You mean it's supposed to be this easy?! 🤦🏼♀️ All of them ND, but only one wanted something more then friends with benefits, and made that clear from the start.
Unfortunately, the hard truth is usually that (insert gender)'s just not that into you. That said, AuDHD can make relationships harder for lots of reasons, and one is how we can struggle to keep in touch with people at times bc of the executive dysfunction. So, it could be a factor. But I do think you owe your partner communication, even if it's just saying you're sorry you just don't have the bandwidth to talk right now, or even sending an emoji. Friends are different, I'm horrible at keeping up with everyone myself and require a lot of patience and forgiveness at times, but that's your one person, they deserve to know you're okay and still love them every day.
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u/Possible-Departure87 20h ago
I mean I would argue friends also deserve your time and attention, even if not as frequently or as consistently as your one person. I’ve been setting communication boundaries with friends as well and it’s cost me friendships but like you said “(insert gender)’s just not that into you.” Works with platonic attraction too. But also, I think that it is a reflection on them and their ability to show up in relationships. You could be the most amazing person but if you’re dating an emotionally immature person they will never wake up to how great you are and out in the effort bc of their own limitations.
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u/EltonJohnWick 1d ago
There's not really a good timeframe for recovering from burnout. It depends on the person and what they're doing to come back from it.
You should listen to your wants and needs here. Are you ok getting involved with someone who might randomly disappear with no timeline of coming back and no word of "I'm not dead"?
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u/Eternal_Malkav 1d ago
There is not enough information about the situation or knowledge about him to give any good advice on how to act.
Burnout or a shutdown is a possibility. It could be a case of hyper focus as well. That case can have different levels from just a bit focused on one thing to absolutely forgetting everything else including very essential things like eating.
All of those things have in commom that their duration, intensity, how people react on "disruptions" and things that can be done to help will vary a lot. One person might not check the messages at all, the next feels additional pressure due to them and shuts down even more, one like me would react postively to support showing up in person but others freak out if their personal world suddenly gets breached. I don't think adding pressure on him is likely to help. More patience or taking a risk with more direct contact might.
The issue is the best source of information you can get is by talking to him about it but that is something only available after the current sitatuion is resolved.
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u/MilkNCafe 1d ago
To give you a bit more context: Before his trip, he was super affectionate and made time for me, even when he was busy. There were a few times where he was slow to respond for a few days and later told me he ran into issues at work but wanted to maintain our connection. He's also mentioned work-related anxiety and uses therapy to manage it.
He's usually pretty social, but he's had moments where social stuff got overwhelming and he needed to use his therapy techniques to calm down. In those moments, I wouldn't hear from him for a short time and then he'd come back and tell me what happened. He was dealing with client attrition before his trip, which is a major stressor for him as his job is 1) his special interest and 2) directly tied to his ability to make income. So, I'm thinking the trip might have triggered a shutdown or hyperfocus.
He's barely online, just work stuff. And he's got my messages on 'do not disturb,' not blocked, which feels temporary.
I really like him, and he seemed to feel the same. I'm trying to be patient and assume it's a shutdown, not ghosting. But I know I can't wait forever.
If this is temporary, I'd like to figure out a communication plan for the future. But until then, I'm kind of stuck on how to proceed without making things worse. I'm not sure if I should continue to check in periodically (biweekly) or just wait to hear from him. When he had work issues and took only a couple of days to respond, he seemed really ashamed of it so I'm not sure if he'll be embarrassed to reach out or not after a much longer break. I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens.
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u/Eternal_Malkav 1d ago
Some messages showing that you are still there for him are probably a good things. Low frequency preferred. Pressure or an ultimatum are likely doing more damage than anything else. However don't forget about you own needs and as another poster mentioned its sadly not impossible that he is ghosting you. Right after a work trip is way too typical for all the scenarios.
Every other approach has some risks attached to it. Maybe if you can find a friend or family and ask them for help.
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u/moosboosh 1d ago
If he comes back around after this I'd have a conversation about how he is able to communicate. Maybe he's unable to have that conversation, but at least you'll have tried to take a loving and respectable approach to things. In the meantime, sorry you're left feeling confused.
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u/FtonKaren spectrum-formal-dx 1d ago
Comms: No subtext, clear communication, like you were instructing a computer
Content: Your expectations and how and why you are feeling what you are
Expectations: None, you are just wishing to open communication, let him know where you are at, and what you either need, would like, find acceptible
Grace: Have grace with yourself and him
Note: ADHD can have object permanence, coupled with extra stress and bandwidth usage he may have forgotten you exist, or how long it has been, this is not a lack of care, or interest, just our brains
Metaphor: Let's say you are spinning plates, you have a lot, but you have a new shiny, someone you care about, your ADHD likes that, your ASD is grumpy, but we've started to integrate the new thing into our routines, then boom, big thing, work trip, routines are shot and all the plates fall ... he most likely is not trying to smash you as a plate, but rather he has a lot taking all his bandwidth
ASD: We can plan, worry, anxiety, now he's traveling with all the unknowns
Synopsis: He might not know himself, if he works a lot he might not be in weekly therapy for thirty years like me with a special interest in myself, trying to know why I do, think, am the way I am ...
Empathy though, we don't pick up on subtext, we often don't read into your words, we take you at face value and then get confused when we were suppose to read your mind. Level 1 ... it fluctuates ... based on stability, where you are at, etc, something big that throws all your schedules off means that the routines are not available to allow more bandwidth for other things, like being a good communicative partner
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u/wateringplamts 1d ago
This is the explanation and metaphor i find most likely, I hope OP reads this. I'm wondering if the guy was masking hard to keep the relationship up in the time leading up to the trip.
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u/MilkNCafe 23h ago
Retrospectively, yes, I think he was. Leading up to the trip, he was overwhelmed with work but still trying to make time for me even when I didn't ask him to. He would call me or schedule time to spend together and it may have been overwhelming him. Even when I'd offer an "out" he would still want to keep our plans because he "wanted to see [me]." He only canceled plans once and was extremely apologetic about it and called me and talked for 3 hours to make up for it even though I told him it wasn't a big deal. I've just found out moments ago that he'd blocked my number. I hadn't tried to call him but just realized the last two messages I sent after the trip weren't delivered and they were sent weeks apart. I looked online and found that likely means he blocked me sometime after the conference before my first check in.
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u/Suesquish 1d ago
It sounds like he is ghosting you. Autistic people are also just, people, and can exhibit the same behaviours as everyone else. Him not contacting you for an entire month is completely out of character according to how you say things were before. It is also not conducive to having a relationship. Were you actually in a committed relationship before he left?
Also, shutdown is a temporary state the same as a meltdown. When the person is overwhelmed and it all builds up in to a sudden overflow, the person can either explode (meltdown) or cease functioning (shutdown). This state tends to last for a short period (seconds or minutes for meltdown but could be longer for shutdown) and then takes a few days to a week to recover from.
Burnout is over time. Everything becomes just too much and any small thing can tip the person's ability to cope over the edge. It doesn't necessarily mean that they cannot communicate with anyone. It would be extremely rare for that to happen. It's more that they need to remove the self from stressors and have very low energy and drive to do or participate in anything. It's like always being mentally exhausted and can be accompanied by physical exhaustion. Burnout usually lasts from 6 months to a couple of years, or longer.
Neither of these sound like what is happening. If he is ghosting you or plain ignoring you, the more you send messages, the more annoyed he will likely get. If it's something else, he should have communicated that to you. This, is the issue. Waiting around for someone who has ignored you for a month isn't likely to end the way you hope.
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u/Tismply spectrum-formal-dx 1d ago
He might be overwhelmed by the task of answering as well as he would like, in a mixture of procrastination, perfectionism and social awkwardness. You could just ask him to confirm he receives your messages because you have been experiencing issues recently with other people.
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u/ElsieePark 22h ago
Burnout does not excuse this. He could have sent you a text letting you know. Remember that being autistic does not mean having no accountability.
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u/squishyartist 1d ago
IMO, this seems like it could be self-sabotaging? You seem like such a kind, considerate, empathetic person, and autistic partner or not, I believe you deserve better than that.
I've been diagnosed with level 2 autism and ADHD and I would never ghost someone like that. Like you said, 1-2 days could be possible if I was really in a bad place or extremely overwhelmed, but even then, some sort of acknowledgement or a "sorry, I just need some time" is kind of the absolute bare minimum when you have an established interpersonal relationship. Like I said, if this is self-sabotaging, I still believe you deserve better, but if he comes crawling back to you and you want to move forward with him, he needs to speak to a therapist and really do some inner work.
That's just my take based on my personal autism and experience in relationships as an autistic woman, so do with that what you will.
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u/MilkNCafe 23h ago
It may be self-sabotaging. Prior to this, he's only ever not communicated for 1-2 days no more than twice throughout the relationship. I realized today that he actually blocked my number sometime after the trip before I reached out to see how it went. Apparently, both iMessages I sent to him were never labeled as "delivered" and I hadn't noticed.
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u/johnackelley 1d ago
TL;DR I do something similar. Try an alternative messaging service to create separate spaces; one for normal conversations and one for checking in.
I'm AuDHD and I tend to essentially write letters to my friends that are so long I add numbers to delineate sections and make it easy to indicate what each of us are responding to. I prefer to communicate this way, but when I get overwhelmed, I tend to stop responding for a time. Short messages don't really work because I don't want to clutter the chat log and forget to respond to the longer, more substantial message. More often than not, I'll make time to respond the same day I receive a message because I value my relationships.
That said, if I'm particularly busy, I'll put it off. I won't even open the message because I don't want it to be marked read and I don't want the notification to disappear lest I forget it entirely. I'll often go about my day, doing all the things I need to do. By the time I have a break, I've forgotten about the message and am doing something else to relax like reading or playing a game. I'll often abruptly remember that I need to read and respond to the message, but sometimes I get decision paralysis and it just seems too big to do right now. I know that if I read it, I need to take time to write a book back. Writing a short message that doesn't address the message is not acceptable to me regardless of whether or not they'd accept it or appreciate it.
The longest it's taken me to respond was a bit over a week. I've never gone a whole month, but we're all different. Though, there are times where the conversation has reached a stopping point and though I've wanted to continue it, the more time passes, the harder it is to be the one to make the first move to continue it.
Sorry, long message to say, I do something similar and if you're writing long messages to each other that require thought and feeling, it can be difficult to find the time to write back appropriately. If it were me, I couldn't write back with short messages even if asked. I could compromise by keeping the main messaging app/services for longer, more meaningful messages and an alternative app/service for short "I'm still here and still want to talk to you" messages. You both might use your text messaging app, signal, line, messenger, Snapchat, etc. Keep one just for your normal messaging and have a separate one for checking in with each other and making sure you're ok and such.
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u/Oxfordjo 1d ago
I am just wondering if the guy has a PDA profile? As reading your post I recognized myself in how you were describing his disappearing on you. I do this when I am burnt out and overwhelmed - I am also AudHD with PDA profile. I get burnt out and overwhelmed and then jus disappear and don't msg or reply to anyone as I haven't the capacity to explain or even to acknowledge msgs most of the time and in my experience even a thumbs up response to a msg is a no go as (again in my experience) means people know I am able to do that and so wonder why I can't say anything else and then see it as even more rude than when I don't respond at all. Some replies to this post have said there is no excuse for doing this even if does have Autism - to me this jus shows how they do not understand this situation at all. I can see things (I think?) from both sides as when I am not burnt out I would never not reply or be rude but I am the exact opposite once my capacity has gone. The horrible bit is the longer my absence goes on the harder it is to reconnect as no matter how you explain this to others , I've found that even when people may initially say they get it and it's fine, that doesn't last if it happens regularly - which to me it does as I'm also dealing with other issues. When I have genuinely liked a person more than the usual, like this post suggests he did, then I would delay even longer than usual in replying as it would feel so much harder to explain and then it would get longer and longer and then most of the time I would just leave it totally as I would run out of what I felt were reasons for my prolonged absence. The truth is always the best option - even if it is a long time after the event, but again have found that no one has really got it or understood - so I've stopped even trying to make connections as what's the point when it always ends this way?
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u/MilkNCafe 22h ago
Sorry for the long response - It's definitely possible he has a PDA profile, but I'm not sure. He does have AuDHD and other diagnoses like anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. Looking back, I think he was burning out before the trip. We usually went to his place after work, but that week he asked to switch to mine because he had electrical issues and was stressed about client problems that had been persisting for a few weeks. He even said something that now makes me wonder if he had secret issues with our relationship. When he arrived, looking exhausted, he said, 'This is hard.' I thought he meant his clients since we'd been talking about them all day. He still kissed and hugged me like usual, so I didn't think much of it. I did tell my roommate not to greet him, so he wouldn't feel pressured to be social. He seemed to enjoy himself at my place, laughing, bragging about my cooking, behaving like his usual self, and even stayed over. I tried to make it similar to his place with lowered lights and soft music, and asked if he wanted to pick the songs. He'd had some family issues the week before that triggered panic attacks, but he said his therapist helped him resolve them and he was fine. He told me the work trip would be 'no big deal,' which surprised me, since he prefers low lights and quiet, and the trip would be bright, with flashing lights and lots of people. Another thing I noticed was that he wasn't sleeping well—he'd wake up around 4:30 AM daily for work, and when I went to his place, we'd go to bed around 11 PM. I wanted to go to bed earlier, but he wanted to stay up to enjoy my company. He would drop me off at home on his way to work, and I'd get back into bed for a few hours because I was still sleepy and figured he had more energy than me.
After the trip, when I didn't hear from him, I watched videos from 'Autism from the Inside,' and he talked about autistic shutdowns and burnout, saying patience and low-pressure messages were key. So, I gave him space, thinking this was happening to him and that he might need time to feel safe to reconnect, especially since he was extremely apologetic for cancelling plans in the past and always communicative after a day or two of silence. I figured he was just overwhelmed by the trip and needed to withdraw.
But then I found out today he blocked me sometime after the trip, even before my first message—only on iMessage, though. He's still active on social media, but only with work stuff and people from the trip. It's confusing because he seemed genuinely into me, even during the trip, and he kept messaging me, even when I told him to focus on work. I don't get why he'd block me, especially since I've been so understanding.
Any insight? I'm taking the block as a ghost/breakup and won't contact him again, but I'm still trying to understand why he'd do this after what seemed like good interactions. Maybe he figured I wouldn't understand his need for space long-term, even though I encouraged it.
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u/PicklesNCheesy 1d ago
What do you mean by level 1 or 2?
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u/MilkNCafe 21h ago
I'm referring to the three levels of Autism Spectrum Disorder which classifies autistic function level. He is considered Level 1.
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u/electrifyingseer spectrum-self-dx 1d ago
autistic people tend to have a lower social battery than most, I highly suspect that your partner is just recovering from being socially drained, and I wouldn't worry, and maybe just send a message saying "hey, i'm worried that you haven't replied, is everything okay?" and possibly, "If you're too tired to give details, just respond with an emoji or something."
Autistic people wouldn't ghost as much as having verbal shutdowns during stuff like burnout. I'd make your communication as low pressure as possible, and give him a few days to feel better.
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u/sarahjustme 1d ago
You've been dating a guy for awhile, he suddenly ghosts you, and you're wanting it to be a niche medical diagnosis? Nah...
If this is a sudden mental health event, or isn't a sudden mental health event, it doesn't matter. He he wanted to go through this with you, he would. Whatever it is. Don't sweat it. Some guys aren't a good match. Some guys are raging jerks. Some guys are autistic. Doesn't matter. He's not a helpless lost puppy who needs to be rescued. Don't waste your time on this. Not worth it.
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u/MilkNCafe 1d ago
It's not that I want it to be niche medical diagnosis, he had actually had issues related to his autism before this work trip. We had a date planned a few weeks prior and he called me a few hours beforehand to cancel and he was extremely apologetic to the point that he started stuttering, which he didn't normally do. Even when I told him that it was okay that he had to cancel, he ended up asking if I minded just talking on the phone with him because he felt so badly about canceling. Another time, he ended up calling his therapist to help him get through a meltdown because he was so overwhelmed with work that it was causing him to feel sick. Even after that, he decided to keep our plans for the next day and called me to tell me about what happened. He was never a bad guy and seemed really genuine and open/honest when he did have issues. I know he was taking medications for previous depressive episodes and anxiety so I wanted to give him some grace just in case this was a burnout situation. As many people are suggesting, it's unclear and I have no problem moving on if he truly is ghosting me. But I get what you're saying that not everyone is genuine and I shouldn't sweat it.
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u/metalman675triple 1d ago
I think there is information missing but idk I'll go with this.
Direct honesty and plain language.
I'm worried about you I really like you and I miss you. I don't understand why you arent talking to me, I wish you would, but if there is a reason or I did something I don't know what it was, please tell me.
if he is autistic he's been in the place countless times, so he will either explain and you can decide what to do either way, or continue ignoring which at least confirms he is an asshole because then he knows exactly how you feel.
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u/Big-Security9322 1d ago
You’ll know your dynamic better than anyone. That said, I’d ask something like “if you’re feeling burnt out right now, just send a thumbs up.” Then if that thumbs up arrives, just advise you’ll let him be for 3-7 days (whatever u think best).
If nothing is said, then state the obvious. Actually send the message saying “I haven’t heard anything from you. If I don’t hear anything within 48 hours I’m going to have to assume you’ve ghosted me and don’t want to be in this relationship. I hope that’s not the case.”
Remember that even those with autism have the dynamic of having great and sweet people and also a**holes. So if you lay it out clearly and hold to what limits you’ve said, then you’ve done due diligence. If there is still nothing then unfortunately assume you’re meant to move on.