How I grieve

[u/ANautyWolf]

So dad died on the 12th of March. We believe from a blood clot from his second knee surgery in like two months. His symptoms and the timing are just too good. He was 54 and the healthiest of all of us (the immediate family). If insurance wouldn’t have done a horrible job he would’ve had the full knee replacement done in the first surgery. And we’re wondering if having them back to back and some other stuff led to this. Anyway to the point of this story. I’m worried I’m abnormal or if this is the autism. (I am diagnosed with autism btw.)

So I have anger towards the insurance company if you haven’t figured that out already but besides that I feel numb and have since he passed. I’m watching my mother, my little sister, and my little brother cry and scream and stuff and I’m just sitting there. Every once and awhile I’ll break down and cry some but it’s only a few tears and I force myself to stop. Part of that may be conditioning where I’ve made myself not cry to avoid bullying. My body is reacting to immense stress constantly like I can feel it and objectively notice the signs.

I feel strange like I should be far more upset than I am because he was so amazing and I looked up to him so much but I just don’t feel it. It’s scaring me tbh.

I’ve determined that the best way to honor him is to take care of the family and live my life how he’d want me to by being true to myself.

[u/ImpulseAvocado]

Everybody grieves differently; there's nothing wrong with how you're feeling. It's possible you're too numb to cry/scream or that you simply don't express sadness in that way.

Just be sure to take care of yourself, because all the stress can take its toll, even if you're not grieving in a very outward way.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

[u/theallison]

Let yourself feel whatever it is you are feeling. If you can't cry, that's fine too.

[u/wateringplamts]

I myself can't feel much emotion until the stress stops. I call it "survival mode." I was under stress for many years when my mom then my dad both got sick consecutive years, my dad is now disabled to this day. I couldn't grieve because they needed me. It's been over 10 years and I know that how I chose to act really helped my family at the time, but it's now time for me to grieve the years of childhood I lost to take care of them.

I'm so thankful my parents are still around living happily but those kinds of life events don't just disappear. It's such a big loss that I can't grieve all at once. I hope to be able to work it out with my therapist eventually. Things will happen at your own pace.

[u/else8146]

I find it helpful to remember that people grieve in all sorts of ways, and there isn't a right or wrong.

When my Dad died a few years ago rather suddenly, I reacted similarly to OP, a few tears, a strong underlying tension felt underneath a layer of numbness, while my family members had more typical reactions of cries and public displays of tears.

I initially thought I wasn't grieving, perhaps I was experiencing delayed grief following the shock and suddenness of loss. Or maybe because my relationship with my Dad was strained, maybe I didn't care that he had died.

But as time passed, and I continue to remain dry-eyed yet sad, I've realised that my grief is just different. And that's okay. My grief is a mix of sadness and loss with a general feeling of peace.

Note: I have Autism, diagnosed late in life. That might inform a little of why I grieve the way I do, but I don't think it's limited to being Autistic because there are so many factors to grief and loss across the range of human experience.

Anyway, hope that helps.

Take it slow. Grief is a process that never really ends but it doesn't have to be negative. Grief helps you remember love in a way too.

[u/manatwork01]

Those are all normal emotions even for non neuro spicy people. Shock/PTSD is common in the sudden loss of a family member (I lost my mom at 19). The shock/ptsd is the dull ache and emptiness you feel. it will subside in time but it takes work. The anger is you being mad at the world for forcing this change on your life you dont want. Some people find solace in religion others in accepting this can and does happen to everyone eventually.

Cry when you can. Get all the hugs you can tolerate. It all helps. Best of luck OP.

[u/SaintValkyrie]

One of the ways I grieve was to dissociate completely and be unable to feel anything, except in small bursts.

It didn't mean my pain was any less real. Your love and care for a person isn't determined by how you respond to them being gone. It's determined by if you care for them.

I'm so sorry your father died like that. It fucking sucks. I think you honoring him however you feel is right is ehat you should do. You know best for you.

Just please remember to always out your own oxygen mask on first. Do it for your own reasons, for yourself, and then be proud of yourself. I hope your dad would be the most proud of you if honor yourself first. And i hope you let your family, take care of you too. You deserve care.