r/AutismTranslated • u/Charming_Caramel9972 • 1d ago
Does anyone have a hard time making friends and have none? How has it affected your life? Do you think it’s because of autism?
I may be autistic and I haven’t been able to make friends in many years. I’m also shy.
It’s effected my life in that now I have to live with or try to stay close to family member who is narcissistic and I am not happy being around them but they are the only family member I have contact with really. I was raised isolated and very far from my extended families. So I have to try to keep this relationship with this one person going and act like they’re not they’re not toxic to be around.
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u/Tmoran835 1d ago
Yes, and anytime I’ve managed to make friends I’ve done a better job of losing them! I have two people that consider themselves my friends. It used to make me feel lonely, but as I’ve worked hard to understand myself, I’ve also accepted that this the hand I’ve been dealt and I can either enjoy what I do or be upset about what I can’t do. Getting dogs was a big part of that change for me—I never feel lonely anymore!
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u/Doviathan_ 1d ago
Until I was diagnosed at 29, I was actively pursuing friendships of any kind really. Had a few successes, but gradually lost touch with everyone (or scared them away during an unprovoked manic rant…
Once I was diagnosed, it was such a relief, bc previously it was purely bc I’m unlovable.. now, after way too much research and some time to process the diagnosis, it’s only helped me, even in this respect. I’d been burning my work energy on way more stressful hail marries at friends, and now Ive legit accepted I can’t have friends while figuring my life out… once I stopped trying, super casual chill work friends or random people online just sort of showed up.. not many, but more than I’d have if I tried (or didn’t try.. if in any way I was considering whether to engage someone socially, I was already burnt out.. i work a lot, and am crazy anti social, so I get this won’t be for everyone… just my experience
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u/g3rmb0y 19h ago
The problem with socializing is you need to socialize to get better at it, and after school, it's just harder to get a chance at it. But, finding autistic friendly spaces can help, even if you're just looking to get practice. There's also various orgs that can help develop social skills and whatnot.
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u/Dibber_Bibber 14h ago
Same here, I've always struggled to make friends and to this day I don't have anyone in my contacts that isn't for family or work. Granted I have a very close relationship with my family so I don't suffer social isolation but it's still disheartening to think about the fact that I'd be all alone if I didn't have my family. I hope that with me getting into college and getting a job that would allow me to afford to be able to go out and meet people that things will change but there's no guarantee of that happening.
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u/BeeOutrageous8427 13h ago
I have no real friends and when I look back at my life I never did. I have some acquaintances. I feel lonely at times and wish I could have a friend group. I think it’s because my autism, I forget that people aren’t literal and have a hard time figuring out what steps to take to form relationships.
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u/SaintValkyrie 1d ago
People look at me like I must be the reason I have no friends and decide they shouldn't be my friend either
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u/Middle-Opposite4336 1d ago
Ive never been able to make/keep friends. At 35 i have none. Ive always blamed it on my childhood which was...not normal. Althpugh ive frequently questions the possibility of autism or something similar it wasnt until this last weekend i got confirmation and started learning it is probably the reason for a lot of things.
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u/Odd-Turnover-5380 1d ago
Yeah…but I don’t think it is because of the autism. It’s more likely the c-ptsd. I already had an awkward disposition and then my abusive family kept me locked away. So I didn’t even get to practice or learn what kinds of people are my people.
I only recently got my diagnosis and I have had a lot better luck hanging out with other neurodivergent folk, being transparent about what I am at the start of the relationship, hanging around special interests groups. Also stopped trying to please people that I don’t care about. Not everyone is going to vibe and that is okay. Ask yourself if you even vibe with these people or if you’re just trying to gain acceptance because of trauma or peer pressure.
Also struggle with fawning. Falling for everyone tends to run them off.
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u/Pluviophilism spectrum-formal-dx 23h ago
Yeah same here. Idk if it's because of the autism or not but I know a lot of autistic people struggle with this too.
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u/galacticviolet 23h ago
I’m an extremely low maintenance friend and it’s rare to find other equally low maintenance friends. I don’t need a lot of attention or gifts etc, the most attention I demand is I like sending reels and memes to friends (a modest amount) and it hurts a little if they don’t send stuff back lol.
But also, way too many people around me seem to think that friendship is hinged on MY reaching out to THEM and not the reverse. Or that I need to be “on call” 24/7 for them but not vice versa. I don’t do one sided friendships so I let those relationships go.
edit: I have a wife who is my best friend, two or three close friends, and a ton of long term acquaintances I call friends, plus some actual acquaintances.
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u/demeter1993 19h ago
I've been getting better at friendship, but I still suck at it. The most I had friends was in high school because when you do extracurriculars, you talk to people more. The friendships are a little automatic. After that, it's work to keep in touch and also make sure you always say things the right way and behave in ways that are socially acceptable. I've found that there are some people who get it, though. I'm working on finding more people who will be okay with me just being myself. It's all so hard.
And yes, I think it's because of my autism.
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u/NotMrNiceAymore 17h ago
I have read about double empathy problem and I truly believe neurodivergents can be friends with nds only. True friendship.
There can not be real connection between different neurotyoes. So I want to meet as many nds as I can. And get to know them and help each other.
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u/Dirnaf 17h ago
If close friends are the people with whom you can have deep and meaningful conversations with, then I am fortunate enough to have three. Two are ND and the other is an NT person with a deep and empathetic soul. I have one other person that I occasionally spend time with but can’t really share much with. We are friends mainly because her husband and my husband are good friends.
At 72 years of age, I still don’t know the “rules” for making friendship and certainly don’t know how to make them last.
I think that part of the issue is that unless I can engage in deep and meaningful conversations, I very quickly become bored with the repetition of describing how my week has been or how good/bad the weather is.
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u/Comfortable_Gain9352 8h ago
I have a whole combo in me, I am autistic, a trans man, and disabled with a bunch of chronic diseases. All my life I was drawn to people and was open to everything. But over time I became angry and cynical, so now I will definitely not be able to find friends. But before I became angry, people did not like the way I looked because I have problems with my skeleton. They also did not like the strange way I walked because I had problems with my legs, and they did not like the fact that I looked at them strangely, although I just had a visual disability. People said about me behind my back that I had schizophrenia, although I immediately warned them about my real problems! Neurotypical people just love to hate everyone who is different from them. So after a while I stopped believing in humanity and now I still need communication, but I see that every time people try to somehow hurt me, or if I feel something similar to this, then I start to put out the horns and fight back and people do not like it. I stopped playing all these games. I see that neurotypical people like it when you do what they want, they just want to break you and make you their toy, I'm tired of it.
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u/ControlOptional 50m ago
I’m 58 and this has been an issue all my life. I was well received at work, have lots of in person social media friends, and if I would call for help people would come to my aid. But hang out friends- rare. I do have kids, so I did manage a short marriage. But my friendships peter out as I don’t like to go out and do things too much, I hate loud noise, etc. Now that I am newly retired I plan to join book clubs or other groups to fill the void. I know this is autism, and it also affects my daughters, while my son is a social animal. Strange.
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u/Arkarant 1d ago
Yeah, until I met a bunch of neurodivergent people in university, then it went a lot better! Also, of course, online interactions. It's an open world game out there, if you wanna learn how to socialize, just go to a discord server of a popular topic / media / game / movie / streamer you like and yap in general chat. Works great and you can make friends super easily like that.
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u/Arkarant 22h ago
This is true, however, if you're bad at socializing In general, shy, scared, anxious etc, then online has kind of a lower barrier of entry. Wanting 'friends you can count on' is a real need, however those take years to foster and you actually need to make friends in real life for that. That requires getting over a bunch of hurdles. If you wanna work on that by just going out and meeting people, or that's already what you're doing, go ahead! But, in my experience, getting a small improvement is better than not getting a bigger improvement. I have a lot of friends that I mostly see online, and I wouldn't discount those over friends I see in real life more than online at all. Like you said, you have no-one right now, and I'd say ANY community would be a massive improvement for you no matter where it's from.
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u/AUTISTICWEREWOLF2 spectrum-formal-dx 1d ago
I have many close acquaintances but no real friends. I would not know how to make a friend if my life technically depended on it. I actually had a friend once but I did something wrong and screwed that up. Don't ask what I did wrong because I haven't the slightest idea. I broke some invisible common sense Neurotypical rule and things ended. My former friend tried to explain it to me but, their explanation makes no sense to me at all.
Oh in my case it is definitely the autism as I have no clue what I did wrong. I always do something wrong to screw up friendships. I know what my problem is too even if I can't fix it. I mask really really well to a point. I know all the polite human society rules and can comport myself to each one without issue. I have it all down, the proper vocal inflections, the sincere look on my face everything.
My problem is anything that requires more advanced understandings of human relations and friendships I know nothing. Anything that strays from the Emily Post traditional manners and rules for human interaction I'm lost. So I end up going from the most polite, nice genuine person on the planet to being a total neanderthal breaking every typical human rule in existence because I'm totally clueless in how to act.