r/AutisticWithADHD • u/AnonymousOrangeFox • 2d ago
š¤ rant / vent - advice allowed I (subconsciously) refuse to do things once they're expected of me
This shows up everywhere in my life, it got worse the last two years and I don't know what to do anymore.
Relationships: I genuinely enjoy spending time with my girlfriend. When she suggests I visit on a certain day (we don't live in the same city), I agree, but then as the day gets closer, I start looking for reasons not to go. Same thing with my other friends. I like them, but the moment it becomes a plan, I want to avoid it.
Work: The more my boss expects me to do a task, the more I avoid it, even if it's important. As soon as it becomes "assigned", I lose the drive to do it.
Even with stuff I want to do: I bought a game I was super excited about. But if I plan to play it in the evening, I can't make myself start. On the flip side, if Iām supposed to be doing something else, I suddenly canāt stop playing it, but I don't enjoy it in this moment. Or personal projects and goals. I really want to learn spanish, but once I decide to start today, I just can't. I'm blocked.
Every morning I think "I could do xyz today" and every evening I hate myself for not doing anything I wanted to do or should have done. I hate it, it's so stupid and ruins everything. I don't want to lose my job again or my friends or girlfriend, but I still won't do things.
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u/curvyladybird 2d ago
Hey, look up āpda autismā - some people create little mental workarounds / tricks for themselves to help with this
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u/Cool_Relative7359 2d ago
I have been treating myself as someone to outsmart since I was a teenager. Not sure how healthy that is. Neither is my therapist. But they can't argue with the results. /Hj
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u/Mollytovcocktail1111 1d ago
It's certainly not the worst coping mechanism I've ever heard of. I suppose it does create an adversarial relationship with yourself but we all have that to some degree because most societies teach everyone to some degree to see ourselves as a problem that needs to be fixed.
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u/Aikoface 1d ago
PDA aka āØpersistent drive for autonomy āØ - yes, it's exhausting. Especially when the perceived demand comes from myself and that still impacts my sense of autonomy and feeling pressure avoidance š¤Ŗššš¬
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u/IronicINFJustices Will give internet hugs š«š«š« 1d ago
That doesn't appear to be what the acronym stands for. I'd cross referenceĀ where you learned that from.
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u/highchameleon 1d ago
Some do not like the avoidance part since it isnāt an active avoidance and pathological isnāt the best either. So yes, it is another definition for that acronym.
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u/IronicINFJustices Will give internet hugs š«š«š« 1d ago
Oh, weird, my bad. When I posted this reply it was the bottom voted comment and the only one with this description and 5 others with the other acronym text.
I got ai referring to it as such, but Google results first page didn't.
I made a poor assumption.
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u/BambooMori āØ C-c-c-combo! 2d ago
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u/zx_gnarlz 2d ago
Hereās an ADHD perspective. It could be because the things you enjoy or work you want to get done, you only feel best doing them through spontaneous impulsivity?
I guess itās like being told to make a cake for your sisters birthday as a surprise rather than of your own volition making a cake for your sisters birthday as a surprise because you wanted to do it. Itās always gonna be far more rewarding when you get the idea and do it spontaneously rather than being ordered to do it.
So from this angle maybe it could be a bit of the ADHD spontaneity side of things?
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u/phasmaglass 1d ago
What helps me with this is facing the avoidance directly, head on. Name it, feel it, identify possible reasons for it. Observe it from a third party perspective. Let your mind take you to whatever conclusion it wants for why you shouldn't go, don't get frustrated and try to short cut your communication with yourself here -- it can take awhile and be kinda frustrating, your "feeling brain" doesn't have access to language processing so you have to pay attention instead to feelings and sensations in your body and start putting together what they mean. Don't judge whatever conclusions you come to from doing this, judging isn't the point -- just curiosity and understanding.
I've learned a lot about how my brain works and my patterns and why they exist doing this. It takes practice and feels silly at first.
For me, a lot of my aversion to doing even things I want to do has to do with feeling judged while doing them. This is a common response to trauma that a lot of autistic people have, because as kids we were never doing anything "correctly," we were always enduring some criticism or another for our entire way of being. So we kind of internalize broadly that we don't do anything right, and so anything we do will be criticised, even if we like what we are doing if we are observed doing it someone will go out of their way to harsh our mellow and tell us we are wrong. You might have something similar going on.
What helps me with it is knowing that I can set boundaries if I feel disrespected by someone "trying to help" -- "Hey, I'm doing my own thing here and prefer learning by doing -- I would prefer no criticism, constructive or otherwise, thanks!" Things like that to just quickly nip the usual "Oh honey" insulting types of reactions to us doing things we tend to get. They cause a surprising amount of trauma over time even when people aren't being overly harsh with you, because we are a social species that views rejection and criticism as existential threats that will lead eventually to ostracism from the pack and not being able to meet our basic needs alone.
These books helped me tremendously with managing my triggers and boundaries -
The Book of Boundaries, by Melissa Urban
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, by Manuel J. Smith
Good luck to you! This stuff is hard to figure out but always good for us to be mindful of and working actively on. I wish you the best.
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u/Sayuri_Yorokobi 1d ago
Yup, guys are right. Pathological Demand Avoidance... I'm also very similar and it's annoying me to no end.
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u/Mollytovcocktail1111 1d ago
Like most are saying, it does sound a lot like PDA. It's a misplaced fear response, essentially. It sucks, I have it too, and I don't know what to do about it.
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u/DrBlankslate 1d ago
Look into PDA and demand avoidance, but also look at Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies and how Rebels handle their tendency.
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u/Major_Association699 1d ago
This is me, and I suspect PDA or at least some heavy demand avoidance issues
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u/No-Grapefruit3964 1d ago
yep. did not know this was a thing relating to autism so ty for the info.
i do very bad with this especially when/if iām getting manic. is this like a people with trauma get it more kind of thing? my mom was pretty controlling and mentally ill so thatās where i figured it came from.
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u/Background_Ad_4998 1d ago
Im struggling too Iām sorry š¢ your going through this I wish you all the best! Take care of yourself!
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u/Low-Leopard397 22h ago
I remember going to a climbing gym after work with two CO workers. I like to try new things, especially physical things like this and get great enjoyment. Part of that is deep monotropic focus things listening to my own body tells me using my eyes, hands, interception, intuition and sheer will, strength and stamina.
Winning or linear progress is not why I do it. Sometimes I try things that don't work.
One of my co workers started to call out commands for my next moves, like a coach would. Immediately I lose all focus and flow and enjoyment and it feels dark wet and grey like going through the motions of a job I hate.
I feel like maybe golfers respect this PDA a lot more. It's expected that all observers remain quiet while golfers swing.
Also I MMA fights when you hear a coach incessantly hollering from their athletes corner, I always think of that week me I would yell, Quiet! I'm fighting over here and need to concentrate.
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u/PleasantAd7961 2d ago
Used to be called pathological demand avoidance. I think they dropped it tho
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u/peach1313 2d ago
Look into demand avoidance and PDA autism.