r/AutisticWithADHD • u/InvincibleSummer_ • 2d ago
š¤ rant / vent - advice NOT wanted! I'm not unlovable. I'm just different
Growing up I always wondered why I'm alone. Why I've no one to support me, to guide me. I didn't understand why I wasn't like others and I was so different and couldn't get along well with others. Why I had so much anxiety, depression, why I felt so inferior and ashamed. Came from a broken home too. I felt really unlovable.
All these things didn't mean that I was. It just meant my path was harder. In ways I couldn't understand then, because I had no one to tell me that - That I'm ok, it's just harder for me. All I could do was blame myself. That makes me so sad, because I was not wrong. I was not faulty. And I most certainly deserved love. But the feeling ran so deep. It took me so many years of trauma work to get to today, where I can see my younger self and I feel so sorry for her. That she has to feel so alone, unworthy of love, clinging to any crumbs of affection she gets from others. No one tells her that she is ok the way she is. And that she'll find her way. Even if she has to learn so many things and how to navigate the world. It's not fair but that's just the path I'm on, and I need to be resilient and learn from my mistakes, and I must never believe that being different makes me unlovable.
1
u/No-Advantage-579 2d ago
Eh... I dunno. Also AuDHD woman here. I kind of disagree, but that's because my definition of "unlovable" is "will not ever and has never been loved by others". So yup, by that definition I am unlovable.
There's some interesting research on male autistic incels and happiness and self-esteem. The higher the self-esteem (below narcissism levels), the lower the happiness due to the constant rejection and inherent injustice.
It doesn't necessarily help us to believe that we are lovable. It may in some cases just make manipulating us much easier. Because what matters massively more is whether others agree with that assessment. We can't telepathically change their minds and for love, we need others... Even if you deem yourself employable, if no employer and no potential customer agrees, you're essentially fucked.
3
u/lydocia š§ brain goes brr 1d ago
It doesn't mean that you are unloveable, it means that you are unloved.
It starts with learning to accept and love yourself. That's one person loving you already. The more you radiate that self-love and confidence, the more you'll attract people capable of loving you.
1
u/InvincibleSummer_ 1d ago
> The more you radiate that self-love and confidence, the more you'll attract people capable of loving you.
100% this.
But I understand the OP, it's super hard to model that kind of love for yourself when you have never received it. But it's possible and we deserve love and acceptance just as much as everyone else. <3
1
u/Throwaway873580 1d ago
Hi, could you guide me towards the source for this research? Sounds interesting
1
u/No-Advantage-579 1d ago
That is from a PhD thesis on dating and autism that I read years ago. I just found it through google scholar. The (female) researcher was shocked cause she had bought the BS that is "you just need to love yourself" hook, like and sinker...
She had also assumed that autistic men would not see interest by women. In reality, they saw interest where there was none all the time! (Which is also not surprising to any of us, but was to her: if you are starving, everything starts looking like food.)
1
u/Background_Ad_4998 23h ago
Im struggling too Iām sorry š¢ your going through this I wish you all the best! Take care of yourself!
2
u/lydocia š§ brain goes brr 1d ago
I learned through trauma therapy that, to heal the wounds from your childhood, you have to grow into the adult you wish you had in your life and love your little self retroactively. A lot of my sessions are very much "pretending" I have my baby self or my toddler self or my child or teenager self on my lap, and telling her that she is loved and appreciated, that I understand the struggles she is going through, that I see her and that she is valid. It doesn't undo it, but it heals it into a scar that itches but not hurts.