r/AutisticWithADHD • u/JoshtheAnimeKing • 2d ago
đââď¸ seeking advice / support How to not come off as a creep
Hello everyone, I am a 24 year old guy who is a uni student who like everyone else has both Autism and ADHD. And tbh I struggle with one thing unintentionally coming off as a creep.
In my uni, I have been banned from like 2 clubs. The common reason being I unintentionally made people uncomfortable. One of them was a frat and an issue was that I kept on talking to people without knowing when to stop which I assume made them uncomfortable and I swear on my life I didn't mean to do such a thing.
Another club I was banned from was one focused on creative writing and I was banned because I was trying to make friends with people and they weren't interested but i guess I didn't read that and got banned.
plus another time I was talking to girls at a party (just for the sake of being friendly with them, nothing more, nothing less) and apparently I had made them uncomfortable.
Now let me set the record straight, and clarify that I am genuinely a great human being and I am not an egotistical person claiming to be that but I genuinely am that. and these things that I stated have really made me feel so much regret for what I did and I have owned up to it
With all that being, I can't help but feel a little paranoid about unintentionally making others uncomfortable as someone with Autism and ADHD. TBH, it is so worrying to think about.
So my question is how can I try my best to not make people uncomfortable and not come across as a creep?
any advice is helpful and much appreciated đđ
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u/lydocia đ§ brain goes brr 2d ago
I've decided to just be honest upfront.
"Hey, I get nervous and might seem like I'm coming on a bit too strong, just tell me to shut up and I'm good, okay?"
People tend to be more lenient when you vocalise your struggle.
Sadly, I think part of your issue is reputation, and that's harder to tackle.
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u/JoshtheAnimeKing 2d ago
wdym?
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u/lydocia đ§ brain goes brr 2d ago
I think that most people you start interacting with already know about you. That they expect you are going to be a creep because you have been in the past to others, and people talk. So that you're not getting a genuine chance to begin with.
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u/JoshtheAnimeKing 2d ago edited 1d ago
Hmm I see but at the same time, my uni is pretty big ngl so I doubt most people would know about me.
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u/asset_10292 1d ago
i feel like more context is needed here lol it shouldnât be that easy to get banned from two clubs
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u/JoshtheAnimeKing 1d ago
Not to sound rude, but what more context do you need?
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u/Ikajo 1d ago
Can you give concrete examples of things you did?
Creative writing in particular has a pretty high ceiling in terms of what people can tolerate.
For example, did you:
stand or sit very close to people? Especially women?
ask personal questions right of the bat?
look at someone's body in the wrong place?
Ignore verbal cues?
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u/JoshtheAnimeKing 1d ago
The first one I did as for the second one I ignored signs that they weren't interested in a friendship ngl so there's that.
As for the frat one I think it might be because I talked to girls way too much and I stared a lot ngl.
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u/Ikajo 1d ago
Dude... do you realise that you probably were harassing people? I know reading social situations can be hard, but you have had almost 20 years to at least learn the basics of what not to do.
You invaded women's personal space. You asked too personal questions to strangers. You stared at women's bodies. Of course you were banned! You DID act like a creep! Before you do anything else, you need to own up to the fact that you acted inappropriately, which doesn't make you a good person. Having autism doesn't excuse creeping on women!
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u/JoshtheAnimeKing 1d ago edited 1d ago
Lemme explain myself because there's clearly a misunderstanding:
The first part was a mistake on my end so there is that. the second part I didn't really ask personal questions at all just the basics ngl. The third part by staring I mean just making eye contact to THEIR face I wasn't even looking at their bodies at all. And believe me I have owned up to my mistakes and also I genuinely didn't use my Autism as an excuse to do that.
Also I am not gonna lie but I think I misunderstood your questions and worded my response rather poorly. So sorry for the misunderstanding, I hope this clears it up
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u/nat20sfail 6h ago
Not that guy, but uh staring at people in the eyes is still creepy, yes.Â
And I don't think there's any "basic" questions that are never creepy. For example, one of the most bland generic "meeting someone" question is "so what do you do?" i.e. what their job is, and if someone is trying to get away from you (could be as subtle as them laughing nervously), that question still makes you seem like a stalker and a creep. (Not that you'd ask that at college, but still.)
You should know the bar is WAY higher for a 24 year old at a normal university. I'm about to graduate from my masters' at 26, and for the last two years I've basically accepted I should never talk to a girl on campus unless I explicitly know them from class, because a 24 year old dude trying to befriend an 18 year old girl is going to be inherently considered creepy.Â
Also, the fact that you are going to parties on/around campus at all is also creepy. It is behavior which people believe is 90% done by dudes trying to sleep with girls much younger than them. Those statistics may or may not be accurate, but you can't do anything about the optics, especially if you're mostly talking to girls.
Go make friends somewhere else - I did local game stores, events explicitly aimed at graduate students, etc. A place where 17 and 18 year olds are common just isn't a good place for you to learn and develop social skills at 24.
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u/JoshtheAnimeKing 5h ago
I see, I think I should clarify I was banned right before I was 24 but thank you for the advice, I think I gained some perspective and looking back on it now I understand how may I have come off as a creep but thank you and also I was just going there for fun and I was just making eye contact with them when I was talking to them
and generally I avoid such environments you know
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u/nat20sfail 5h ago
Yeah, the perceptions aren't just maybe statistically inaccurate, they also obviously don't necessarily apply to you. But unfortunately that doesn't change how people will apply them.
Good luck, and I hope this doesn't scare you off from trying to make friends in general. You're just surrounded by bad options for it right now.
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u/JoshtheAnimeKing 2h ago
Also one more thing, I really stopped attending college parties at 24, like I only really been attending them since I was at least in my early 20s so there is that.
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u/I-ll-Layer 1d ago
like it shouldn't be so easy to get "canceled" these days? xD
its the new normal
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u/DenM0ther 1d ago
Does your Uni have a disability support cojnsellor? Maybe they'd have some suggestions.
Do you have a therapist? I definitely think I'd be talking to them about it.
And maybe, when you join a club, .tou could talk to the admin or a key person about your dx and that sometimes you have trouble reading signals. And that you really would appreciate a heads up if you're missing a social cue. Maybe talk to the disability counsellor at the Uni about this.
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u/Powerful-Ad3374 1d ago
Just reading your question was bringing back memories and pain. So many times Iâve ended up in similar situations where I just didnât read the situation and came across wrong, just like this.
All I can suggest is be up front and honest with people. Tell them youâre autistic up front and you struggle with social interactions. That you overshare and miss social cues. Tell them to feel free to tell you if you overstep or talk too much and listen if they do so.
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u/PsychologicalPeak744 1d ago
I think it might be most beneficial for you if you could ask these people what it is exactly that makes them feel uncomfortable around you. Or perhaps you have some friends or family who you could ask for some ideas?
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u/Serious_Toe9303 1d ago
My advice generally is to change your behaviour (ie mask).
You learn from these situations how people react to things, then either mask around those people, or find ones that are more accepting.
It really helped me to test out how I am acting in a social situation and observe the outcome. If the outcome is unfavourable, then change how youâre acting till you get a favourable one. You can think of it like a science experiment!
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u/SirProper 1d ago
I have focused on pre-communicating and setting healthy boundaries.
There are studies that indicate if people are informed in advance there are better outcomes. Here's some information.
Hopefully this helps.
-Studies suggest that informing people in advance about someone's autism diagnosis can lead to greater acceptance and understanding, reducing stigma associated with autistic behaviors. Here's a more detailed explanation:
Reduced Stigma: Research indicates that stigma towards behaviors associated with autism can be lessened when individuals are aware that the person exhibiting those behaviors has an autism diagnosis.
Improved Social Interactions: Studies have shown that non-autistic people attempt to behave in a helpful way when they are aware they are interacting with an autistic person. Greater Acceptance: Sharing diagnostic information can result in greater acceptance of autistic people.
Examples of Studies: A study by Sasson and Morrison found that sharing diagnostic information results in greater acceptance of autistic people.
A study by Heasman and Gillespie found that when non-autistic people believe they are interacting with an autistic person, they attempt to behave in a helpful way.
A study by UT Dallas researchers found that negative first impressions formed by potential social partners may reduce the quality of social experiences for people with autism.
-Furthermore in my own life I have personally have had significantly better reactions by letting people know in advance. I let them know in hyperverbal. I let them know sometimes I might get fixated on stuff or infodump. I let them know that if I am bothering them, to let me know in advance rather than let any kind of resentment or misunderstandings build.
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u/Captain_Azius 1d ago
Well I think you can only learn this by being aware of your patterns. Which can be really hard yourself.
Personally I think these people have all been way too passive with you and should've just communicated better with you.
But you can't really change that. What you can do is just ask people tell you to be straight forward with you because you don't take hints.
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u/Background_Ad_4998 1d ago
Im struggling too Iâm sorry đ˘ your going through this I wish you all the best! Take care of yourself!
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u/Neutronenster 1d ago
I feel like there must be information missing. So many people (both men and women) donât know when to stop talking and as far as I know this has never gotten anyone banned from any club, except maybe from very silent places like a library. These bans mean that your behavior was perceived as sexual harassment. Thereâs nothing in your story that is an example of very obvious sexual harassment, except maybe standing too close to people, so there must be something important that youâre missing.
Would it be possible to explain to those clubs that youâre autistic and ask which part of your behavior got you banned (without trying to repeal the ban)?
A few things that might have gone wrong:
- Being perceived as if youâre staring at womenâs boops or butts (even if thatâs not your intention, e.g. if youâre just looking away from their eyes due to struggles with eye contact).
- Not respecting womenâs personal space. E.g. standing too close to them, especially if youâre also touching them. Standing so close to them that youâre touching them is very bad. Or maybe youâre forcing hugs or kisses on them? Or touching them in inappropriate places when greeting them (e.g. touching their breasts or butt during a hug or kiss)?
- Constantly asking people out or questioning them about their love and/or sex life.
- Making misogynist remarks (remarks that are hateful about women). For example saying that all women are sluts, that they only want to profit from men, ⌠So basically incel talk. However, since misogyny is still quite common in our society this only rarely results in a ban from a university club. If this was the cause, you must have done it worse than most incels (e.g. not knowing that you have to tone down these types of remarks among certain audiences).
- Not respecting a very obvious and direct ânoâ from women. Women are socialized to be very subtle about rejecting men, so the situation must already be very bad before women will actually tell you off directly.
Do any of these examples sound familiar to you?
Finally, if your body language is off due to your autism you might be getting less of a pass for exactly the same behavior than NT people.
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u/JoshtheAnimeKing 11h ago
None of these sound familiar to me at all. Like yeah I have looked around but never to the extent of looking at a woman's body and also I am not a creep at all
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u/DaniAndy00 2d ago
Hi there! I'm actually the opposite and make people feel awkward with my silence, but i think that the easier way to avoid making people uncomfortable would be to straight away ask them to please tell you if you're somehow making them uncomfortable and clarifying it's not your intention (and if you don't mind commenting it, perhaps adding you're autistic would make them understand better, but of course you don't have to mention it if you don't want to). If they're empathetic and nice, they'll tell you and take your words into consideration, but if they're not, that's on them, it's better to stay away from people who don't wanna try to understand you. Also i'd like to add something else; if people banned you, please don't take it like you're a creep. A therapist told me once "don't take what other people think of you as your own traits. Only you know who you are", so feeling guilty about being something you know you are not will only hurt you. Communicate that you might not realize if you make others uncomfortable, but if they don't wanna hang out with you afterwards, that's their problem, not yours, you're not losing anything worthy of keeping and they're losing the chance to get to know you. (Hope i explained myself well, english is not my first language :D)