Expectations + anxiety as a leader with AuDHD

[u/mindfulness-travel]

Hello, AuDHD community! I’ve found immense peace and a sense of belonging while scrolling through this community. I thought I’d share some of my thoughts and see if anyone else can relate or offer advice. I’m currently using voice-to-text because I realize it’s the easiest way to express my thoughts without any masking.

Let me start by saying I’m a 27-year-old female senior manager in a leadership role. I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and have suspected autism as well. I also CPTSD. The social expectations and cues in this position are overwhelming, and I constantly struggle to meet them. I feel the pressure to always have the right thing to say, be mindful of power dynamics, and avoid being too friendly while still being friendly enough. I am constantly masking, mirroring others, and pleasing everyone. It’s exhausting.

Tonight I spent three hours overthinking and trying to respond to a colleague’s anniversary post on Slack. Rephrasing every single word a million times and overthinking the tone and timing and how I was going to be perceived.

I’m close friends with this person, but she’s also in a leadership position. I’m technically slightly above her, and I was already two days late responding in the Slack thread. It’s Friday night after work, and 6 to 8 PM. I thought, “Okay, this is too late. I’ll be perceived as a leader who’s working too late.” But if I send it on Saturday, I’ll be seen as a leader working on the weekend. It’s a Catch-22. I don’t want to set a bad example, but if I post this on Monday, it’ll be too late. So, what’s the greater risk? I’ve been overthinking everything, making a mountain out of a molehill. It’s not just in my leadership position; there are so many expectations placed on me that I can’t handle it.

I keep trying to figure out if I can even be in a leadership position with AuDHD. I constantly rephrase every message, and I know that’s also from trauma. But it’s so debilitating. I also can’t figure out how to address people. Do I say “Hi hi’” “hey” “hiya”, “hi queen”, “hi angel”, “hi bb”, oh my gos… The list goes on because at work, we’re friends and colleagues, but I’m struggling to constantly figure out my relationships with each person.

Then, when I’m in a group on Zoom, I get so stressed out because I have a one-on-one relationship with each person in that room. I don’t know how to act.

The bottom line is that I’m not in touch with my authentic self. I’m constantly masking and mirroring to fit in, and it’s absolutely exhausting. I wonder if anyone else has similar experiences. I’ve cried so much tonight. I’m overwhelmed, overstimulated, and burnt out. But then I get to this place and let myself dissociate for the weekend, but then I come back to my mountain of stress, and it’s been a cycle like this for about a month and a half. It’s just so debilitating. I don’t see a way out. I’m trying to figure out if I want ADHD medicine, anxiety medication, or what to do. I’ve never been on medication before, but I need something that can help me manage my symptoms. However, I also don’t want to over-identify with all these negative feelings because I know that over-identifying with them can create my reality. And that’s what’s been happening to me. So, I also know that I need to visualize a different way of life, living, breathing, working, and existing in this world. But when I try to visualize success or more positive things, it feels so unsafe for me. So, I get scared and don’t even want to visualize. Everything seems all or nothing, and it’s debilitating.

I would love to know if you’ve had any similar experiences. Sending love out to you all <3

[u/lydocia]

I think metacommunication is a good partial solution - not just in a management position but in general.

The people I interact with regularly, I have given them some "guidelines" on how to interpret my messages.

These people include my husband, friends, a moderator team on Discord, a moderator team on Reddit, my Doctors, my therapist, family members, etc.

I give them a quick rundown whenever I say something that is so "typically me but usually misunderstood". I can't think of an example immediately, but look at it as if you're writing a manual for how you communicate. That way, these people will hopefully give you the benefit of the doubt when you communicate in your typical way without you having to always overthink everything.

In your example, don't rewrite your e-mail 8768767 times. Rewrite it once, and add footnotes. Find shorthands. Decide for yourself that you're an "Hi all" person and that's your go-to e-mail greeting, regardless of recipients. I'm a "hey" person, even to bosses, Doctors, official instances, the police, whatever. "Hey, I had a question re:..." or "Hey, I wanted to let you know that...". No need to think about it anymore, already decided.

My reasoning is: What you're doing by tailoring your e-mail to various individuals, is essentially masking, and masking costs us a lot of energy. By revisiting the thought process every single time, you come to a different result every time and you don't establish a pattern of expectations for yourself. You seem wishy-washy because you ARE wishy-washy.

In therapy, I've learned that "staying true to myself" is the key to practically everything in life. By staying true to who I am instead of adapting myself to everyone else on an individual basis, I save a lot of time thinking and overthinking and rethinking things. I am just always the same, and depending on the person or context, I might explain myself a little more, but never change myself a little more. That way, people see the pattern (subconsciously), and understand what they can expect from me so they are less likely to lash out about it.

It's not the weird that gets people, it's the unexpected. Allow them the time to get used to the weird, and once they come to expect it, they'll be mostly fine with it.

[u/fatgainer4]

Yeah, I’m (M27) a Lead as well in a big corporation but my body is giving up with each day and I’m not the same anymore. It’s really hard pill to swallow and let go of all this facade of high-functioning individual and embrace yourself as someone with special needs.

I can’t give you a right answer, but I’m personally planning to quit so I can save my health. And then living with my true capacity which is far lower.

Better sooner than later. A few months ago I had to visit the Emergency Room due to solid burnout crash and that was one of the many signs that I should not only slow down but stop and rethink my life.

[u/wavelength42]

I have had xperience with the rephrasing every word and second guessing myself. I'm not in a leadershirole though and don't have answers. a.

[u/DisturbedCherrytree]

31 year old corporate senior girl turned founder with ADHD, Autism & CPTSD:

I‘m „successful“ but I have no clue why. Most of the time I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing but somehow it works. I‘m in a constant panic, that my „lucky streak“ will break and I don’t know how to fix things then. I‘m socially awkward, my brain is a mess but to the outside world I look out together and like „I made it“.

I feel the cycle you describe. It got better with medication (Escitalopram 20mg & Bupropion 300mg in the morning + Quetiapin 75mg in the evening) as this helps me to maintain my sleep. Insomnia was a huge factor in how bad my mind & emotions got. My brain just wasn’t able to function anymore. We tried lots of things to breaking this downward spiral without medication, but it was the only effective remedy in the end.

Been on that medication for 2 years now - of course it doesn’t magically solve everything but makes it significantly easier to deal with life.

[u/Background_Ad_4998]

Im struggling too I’m sorry 😢 your going through this I wish you all the best! Take care of yourself!

[u/fruitybitchy]

Thanks for talking about this, sorry no advice from me, I'm ASD diagnosed, suspecting ADHD, early career researcher but id really like to progress to leadership positions, I'm gonna follow this thread