r/AutisticWithADHD • u/ArmzLDN ADHD Dx, ASD Self-Dx • 1d ago
💬 general discussion What do you think of the idea that “friendships & relationships must be actively maintained the same way a plant must be watered regularly”
What are your experiences in your friendships with AuDHD individuals, people with 1 of the two conditions, or neither. Have you experimented with the level of “upkeep” you input into your friendships & relationships?
Do you think this truly applies to friendship links/circles where all involved individuals are neurodivergent?
If this idea does apply to us, do you think we apply this differently to how neurotypical people apply it?
35
u/behoopd 1d ago
Unless a friend snd I had an obvious falling out, I still love them and consider them my friend. Doesn’t matter if we haven’t spoke for a decade.
It was explained to me once like this: You’ve got fern friends and cactus friends. Your fern friends require more water than your cactus friends do.
My best friends are cactus friends. With the ADHD, I tell all new friends that out of sight is put of mind, but not out of heart. If I’m mad at you, I’ll tell you. Do not misinterpret my silence as me being mad at or ignoring you.
10
u/glitterandrage 1d ago
It was explained to me once like this: You’ve got fern friends and cactus friends. Your fern friends require more water than your cactus friends do.
I love this 💗 Thank you for sharing it!
19
u/Direct_Vegetable1485 1d ago
Does that mean different people are different plants? I don't think I could be friends with an orchid. Maybe I'm a cactus? Like don't touch me but I like being around, you can not water me for ages but I'll still be ok as long as you check in on me sometimes.
1
u/DisabledSlug 8h ago
I'm a cactus too.
I've mentioned that people have different expectations of friendship and someone didn't like that (my memory is fuzzy).
12
u/breaking_brave 23h ago edited 23h ago
I think in friendships we do as much as we can given the circumstances. Do they live far away, are they insanely busy, or is this someone who lives down the street and actually has the time to hang out and do stuff? Established friendships probably had regular and deep watering at some point that resulted in really strong roots. When we need each other, we reach out and know we’re there for each other. These are “drop everything” friends. We don’t talk forever, or see each other, and then we’ll get a random phone call. We drop everything and make ourselves available to them. It’s weird how the ones who need us most are the ones who don’t need us all the time. Deep roots. Case in point: I have a large group of shallow root friends. They had a get together that was four days and three nights in a great location. I was thinking I better go for friendship maintenance so I paid for my spot. One of my deep roots friends sent me an invitation to her daughter’s wedding which would fall on one of those vacation days. Without hesitation, I cancelled my trip so I could be at this wedding. Out of all the people there, this friend chose to sit and talk to me during the reception. Her daughter cried ugly tears of joy that I showed up. One evening that meant a thousand times more than a dream vacation. When we can, we water deep and that’s enough.
9
u/GoddammitHoward 23h ago
All of my actual friends are autistic and/or adhd. For me it's not necessarily the frequency of the water but the quality and consistency. My closest friends and I will go a few months here and there without speaking outside of the odd meme but when it's watering time it's a good clean bucket full of active and attentive friendship. My other more casual friends are usually a sprinkle of small chats and sending funny videos but they take the time now and again to show they care. Then there are the friends who only really message on their own whim and make it mostly about them and then disappear again until they want something. Most of the time they haven't really earned the level of friendship they think they have with me because they haven't put in the effort.
Basically, you don't have to water our friendship every day but you gotta put in enough work to earn my trust that it'll get watered eventually. Show that you actually value our friendship and are willing to put in a mutual amount of effort to help it bloom.
2
u/La_LunaEstrella 15h ago
This is my general approach to friendships too. I sometimes worry it may be a little transactional, but then I realise it's because time is finite and I need to spend it where it matters most.
8
u/jazzzmo7 AuDHD 23h ago
I'm a succulent when it comes to my friends. My closest friends are also succulents.
The times when I used to get upset over not hearing from my friends was when I believed that friends are supposed to contact you regularly. Otherwise they don't care about you. .. this was before I knew anything about ADHD, or even that different people are different.
1
u/ArmzLDN ADHD Dx, ASD Self-Dx 19h ago
Nice, I’m gonna pretend I know the particulars of a succulent, but would love an explanation if you’d be so kind
3
u/jazzzmo7 AuDHD 18h ago
Succulents are the types of plants that "thrive on neglect". Cactus is a type of succulent, but I wasn't thinking of just cacti... The succulents with the juicy leaves and stuff.
The more you water them, the more likely they'll die. I learned this from experience lol. I couldn't stop messing with them, and despite them being low maintenance plants, I managed to kill them anyway 🫠
My friends and I are the same way. If you try to "water me" frequently, so to speak, I'll get overwhelmed and withdraw. We have no problem with not hearing from each other for weeks or months.
TL;DR-- replace succulent with cactus.
4
u/La_LunaEstrella 15h ago
This is such a good analogy for nd friendships. Sometimes, healthy space is just as essential to maintaining a happy relationship.
4
u/Miami_Mice2087 18h ago
it's true. other AuDHD peole wil give you a lot of grace for your lack of activity or cancelling plans, but even they have a limit. It doesn't take much, a text here and there, some online gameplay, take a walk together, meet a few times a year. But no friendship can last without ANY contact for months or years.
There's another aphorism I learned at work: You'd be amazed how fast a lead goes cold. I have no problem talking to people, but it's much harder to convert the first contact to a friendship. Even if people give me their number and ask me to call, it's amazing how fast that fizzles out if you don't call within 24-72 hours, depending on the person and situation.
Most of life is just showing up, being there, being seen, being kind, helpful, and friendly, on a consistent basis.
3
u/ezra502 16h ago
my friendships are more like cactuses. we can (and honestly prefer to) go without water for long periods, but it’s still important we get our fill. sometimes you’re like “oh that cactus is dead” and then you water it and a little while later it’s perfectly fine. similarly possible to drown a cactus with too frequent of watering.
2
2
u/Powerful-Ad3374 15h ago
The plant stand of dead plants in my living room says I don’t water plants and I have friends I kind of wish I saw more that I contact once in a blue moon. It’s probably true on both accounts though, I just suck at maintains both plants and friendships. But then I’m socially awkward and seeing people to often reminds them how annoying I can be so best to keep a distance
2
u/Laluchacontinua 14h ago
I think there's nuance and it's good to try and find a balance between patience, flexibility, self-compassion and self-respect. Healthy friendships require trust and grace, recognising that there won't always be times when you're communicating or seeing your friends as much as you'd like to.
On the other hand, I do think many people, especially lots of neurotypical people, take friendships for granted and don't realise you do have to tend to them for them to last. If you haven't bothered at all to make plans, to reply to messages, to communicate that you care about me or to include me in things, then why would you want to invite me to your wedding? The opposite of that is also people you thought were friends who then decide to completely rip up a friendship because you've missed an event that was important to them, despite being open and honest about the challenges you face and that you're really struggling.
Friendships need to be reciprocal for them to work and be healthy. That doesn't mean they'll always manage to be and that's where it comes back to having trust and giving grace, as long as you're still getting enough out of the friendship or the dynamic isn't permanently entirely one-sided.
I've had to become more selective about who I give my time and energy to as a result of mental illness and a long period of burnout as I've slowly and painfully unravelled and understood who I am, what works for me and how I deserve to be treated. Gradually trying to unlearn decades of people-pleasing, masking and desperately trying to fit in, to be accepted and liked has meant recognising that many people I considered friends in the past weren't good or healthy friendships or certainly wouldn't be now. It's also finally taught me that I get to decide who I want to be friends with, rather than just feeling grateful to be included or prepared to put up with feeling uncomfortable or like I'm not actually being treated fairly over an extended period of time because it seemed better than rejection.
At the moment, I don't feel like I have the friendships I'd like or I need. I'm grateful for the friends I do have but I don't currently have enough enjoyable, rewarding friendships and there are others where I'm becoming aware I feel like a bit of an afterthought, rather than a friendship that is important. This has especially been the case when I've been really struggling or having to navigate a crisis and some of the close friends I've reached out to haven't been there or haven't been very reliable.
I feel like I'm going down a different path from many of the people I know and I really hope I can meet and become good friends with more people like me. I'm planting some seeds, working on myself and gradually trying to grow my life and I hope it will lead to more
2
u/1101base2 14h ago
I have a plant I normally water once a week but it can go up to a month without, I've found similar friends. We go in sports if hanging out but can also go long times forgetting each other exist
1
u/Low_College_8845 5h ago
I not had good friendships history been shat on by to meany only got 1 friend. I h8 people. Just assholes don't give a fuck but themselves
61
u/lydocia 🧠 brain goes brr 1d ago
I don't do it. I don't water plants or relationships.
The best friends I have are the ones I can just ignore for three months and then send a random meme that reminded me of them and pick up where I left off.