r/CPTSD • u/rem-ember-ance • 1d ago
Vent / Rant i wasted three whole fucking years trying to “heal” only to not remember my memories and be gaslit by every single therapist
can’t remember the memories that made me unable to function and act like a normal non-self-loathing human being in interpersonal interactions (i am unable to gain employment because of this—yes it is that bad!)
can’t access the healing to help me function (yes, in fact, every single therapist i’ve seen DID gaslight me and underdeliver so much that i still couldn’t function!)
all of the years in survival mode going to a good school and working in banking, totally trashed due to three years of being inactive after i “burnt out” because of “past trauma”—why the fuck didn’t i just keep going? like, not keeping going was the wordy decision i could have made looking back, and despite my “intelligence”, i made it. i’m literally useless! like actually worthless! :D
death genuinely appeals to me
when people say that you want something more than you want to breathe, i have to take the opposite approach; in order to even think of shooting for a goal at all, i have to make it more appealing than death, and as i have lived over time this has gotten exponentially harder to do
i just don’t know anymore
i don’t get why i had to be born
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u/Raised_by_Mr_Rogers 1d ago
How did therapists gaslight you?
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u/rem-ember-ance 18h ago
oftentimes the worst has been through CBT, literally just denying my perception. i get that thought reframing is important but it’s impossible to get any work done internally when my therapist isn’t even acknowledging the foundational reality that i experience. it’s the most bizarre thing and definitely 10x worse in the context of CBT. i’ve also had EMDR therapists who, knowing i was r*ped, denied that i was a victim of SA at all.
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u/Raised_by_Mr_Rogers 18h ago
I am unfamiliar with therapists who deny their patient’s experiences. I’d say keep looking for a decent therapist, but maybe you don’t trust the process anymore. Sorry you’ve had such a bad experience
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u/Opposite-Shower1190 1d ago
I have really short legs. It’s hard for me to find pants that fit and I hate to hem them. In women’s clothing it’s all inconsistent as far as sizes go including the same brand. I used to spend hours looking and they were always difficult to find. Finding the right therapist can be difficult. Trusting them can take a long time because we all have bad trust issues. The important thing to know is when you don’t want to talk about something tell them that, and you have to be honest. If you don’t tell them what’s going on they cannot help you.