r/CPTSD • u/FrogRippit420 • 1d ago
Question My Trauma has become my entire personality and I hate it
It’s really has consumed me, Im going 10+ years of CPTSD I just feel like I can’t hold a normal conversation without brining something up, I don’t even mean too it’s just that it’s become so normalised in my life I forget this isn’t normal, like I feel I have nothing positive to contribute when someone asks about me anymore it’s making me really sad
Like I do have hobbies but still even now I struggle enjoying things I used too and struggle to talk about things I loved
Does anyone else have this problem?
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u/kminogues 1d ago
I think this is quite normal, and honestly, a necessary step to healing. From my experience, I had to see everything from the perspective of being traumatised. It was the only way that I could make sense of things. There was probably a 1 year period where I just felt raw and open. It was trauma brain 24/7, and rarely did I not think about trauma or my experiences. It was an endless loop.
But that’s only after I realised I was traumatised and decided to deal with it. That’s not to say that you aren’t dealing with it or working on yourself. Just that everyone’s experiences are different. It’s easy to get caught in rumination, and when/if I ever find myself ruminating, I ground myself in various ways.
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u/Cool_Wealth969 1d ago
Watch Tim Fletcher's series on complex trauma on YouTube. Work thru it , he explains so much. I used tofeel like I had to share some of my trauma. But I'm over it now and only live in the present.
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u/YoursINegritude 1d ago
Thank you for telling me and everyone about Tim Fletchers series. I listened for 15 minutes, all I can handle right now, but I see how this fits together. Plan to work my way through the 8 parts.
Thank you. 🙏🏽
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u/Cool_Wealth969 1d ago
If you go all in its about 96 parts with a new one every Friday.....I no longer suffer.
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u/FkUp_Panic_Repeat 1d ago
My traumas started when I was very young, so it kind of is my personality :/ without fawning, I’m not really sure who I am.
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u/BirthdayOriginal5432 18h ago
Who do you want to be? 💜
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u/FkUp_Panic_Repeat 16h ago
Authentic! But figuring out what that looks like has been surprisingly difficult. Thanks for asking :)
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u/imboredalldaylong 1d ago
I relate to this too. I asked myself the other day “who am I outside of my trauma” and it was hard to come up with something. But I’ve been asking myself that question regularly now and I’ve started to come up with a bit more each time.
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u/Brwnys121 1d ago
I wonder if it’s from not really getting to talk about your trauma much? I think this might be the issue for me. I don’t want to keep thinking about it, or have random daily things remind me about some part of my trauma and get me thinking about it; but I think part of it is cause I never really got to talk about it. All of my trauma was from growing up with an addict mom, and after she finally got clean I was already 17 and she informed me I couldn’t live at home after graduating. I had to basically grow up more and find a place to live, etc… I never got to talk about everything, I had to take care of myself. I did eventually go to therapy, and I still do, but talking to your therapist is different than having people from your personal life hearing you talk about it. My dad and other family members know about what happed now, my mom hid it really well at the time, but no one really ever talked about it or asked me much about it (not that I blame them, most ppl really don’t know how to approach trauma) I think part of me really wants and needs to shout it from the roof tops, and have people hear me. Instead the world just keeps going, time keeps moving on, and here I am wanting to scream, “Hey! Something happened to me!! It was horrific!”
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u/OrganizationHappy678 1d ago
sometimes i want to scream it from the rooftops and other times i want to hide away. and yes i was completely invalidated by my parents when i tried to talk about it. my father had a “funny joke” whenever i tried to talk to him, he say “shut up” and “go away”. haha right? no wonder i put up with disrespect.
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u/Aggravating-Data-931 1d ago
Yes. Thank you I feel like this constantly and idk how to stop. I will try to tell a story to relate and try to cut out things and tone it down and its still just too much a lot of the time. And when I do that it's like theres so little else to say.
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u/kotikato 23h ago
Yeah totally me, it makes me isolate myself because 1) I think that others wouldn’t wanna be around a low blow like me (I’ll just bring the vibes down or something) 2) I have no capacity for regular shit people go through, my life feels threatening everyday it’s hard to exist “normally” and go throughout my day like a casual person 3) I just try to focus on surviving, I’m not really “missing out” on life if there’s a huge chance I’m not gonna be alive for it later, so better to just TRY to keep myself in one piece until the day I get to actually “live” or whatever-
I can’t differentiate my actual real personality with my trauma responses, it’s totally enmeshed, there isn’t one day where I’m not affected by my cPTSD aka what happened/caused it (and keep happening to me/causing it). My trauma will mostly last me the rest of my life, so I gotta get used to this reality kinda.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Clue880 18h ago
Me too, just so much toxic shame so can’t be around people, normal people’s lives are so alien to me and triggering, feels so much grief of past lost experiences & potential, it’s beyond upsetting 🥲 Also trying to do more after burn out, isolation, lack of support feels impossible… no energy or motivation to do much, what a life!! 😳😂
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u/AnarchyBurgerPhilly 1d ago
Im about 11 years into trauma therapy and have started jungian shadow work. It’s blowing my mind. And breaking my heart. I feel like it’s the next stage to true healing and stopping the cycle when you are ready.
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u/Mimizu-ningen 1d ago
There’s no absolute fix for CPTSD. It’s like the ocean. Always alive, sometimes peaceful, sometimes violent. But always alive. There’s no going back to safe “land”. You gotta learn to navigate that sea for the rest of your life while the fortunate ones play and laugh their life away on land. Fucking unfair, huh? I’m on the boat with you.
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u/Anna-Bee-1984 1d ago
I do this too, but it has become better over the past year due to therapy and being less stressed out. The issue is that I often use personal experiences to relate to people and end up personalizing things in the process
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u/OrganizationHappy678 1d ago
yes i do. i’ve only become aware of it in the last few years. the worst part of the awareness is i can pinpoint when i lose people. their actions are suddenly avoidant and yes i notice it. the people who are still physically here for me just become dismissive in these moments. it sucks coz im making progress and would like to chat about with someone who might give a fuck but it seems like folks are very tired of me going through it and they don’t want to hear it.
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u/Witty_Payment907 cPTSD 1d ago edited 1d ago
I've recently completed a "Trauma Recovery Program" while an inpatient in a mental health hospital. Completing that 4 week program, which was mostly about (C-)PTSD, was the most difficult thing I've ever done (I have a PhD). It was difficult because it showed me just how much damaged I was/am. For me it's more than personality that has been affected. I've had several people tell me that I demonstrate most of the AuDHD (female) symptoms and should seek diagnoses. My psychiatrist says that all symptoms are rooted in (explained by) complex trauma, so I will never get diagnosed as having ASD and/or ADHD.
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u/ostrukturerad 1d ago
I’m going to start my comment with a few question’s: What’s your favorite consistency out of all vegetables? What’s your favorite material to walk on? What’s your favorite temperature to take shower in? What’s a place (in your home) that you’ve never eaten breakfast? How do you respond to putting in a bathbomb while taking the bath? What’s your favorite color in the morning & is it the same before bed? What taste will automatically make you feel disgusted?
I remember when I was like you on the other side of surviving starting to figure out how to start living. Went through some boxer from childhood (not getting triggerd thanks to EMDR therapy) and finding + filling out one of those pages in an old diary that I’ve never used.
It asked me about “my favorites” in so many different ways on the front page and I was just so confused about the fact that I didn’t know the answers.. I do know now though. Write down questions about your preferences and get to work answering them. You will start to get to know who you are, and believe me there’s so much more to get to know then you’ll ever be able to imagine.
🫶🫶🫶🫶 Trust the process
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u/ostrukturerad 1d ago
Ps: many obvious but 👉 the questions i wrote👆 is my gift for you 👉to ask yourself and your answers 👈is for👉 your eyes only 🫶
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u/Alarming-Sort4870 1d ago
Yes, I completely relate to this. My trauma also became a deeply embedded lifestyle that started subjectifying everything, my thoughts, my conversations, my identity. Hell, even when I wanted to connect with people, my words somehow looped back to pain or survival. Not because I wanted attention or sympathy, but because it had become my baseline, my normal.
I remember once someone asked me what I enjoy doing for fun, and my brain just froze. Not because I don’t have hobbies, I do, but because trauma had drained the color out of them. I used to love explaining abstract ideas, writing theories, even creating new frameworks. But somewhere along the way, those things got tangled in layers of self-doubt and grief. I felt like I was performing my old interests instead of living them. Like I was there, but not really there.
And when I do talk about something I’m passionate about, it still somehow loops back to how I coped, how I survived, like I’m subconsciously justifying why I’m even allowed to feel joy. I know it’s not how it should be. And it’s exhausting.
You’re not alone in this. Reclaiming space for yourself outside of trauma is a slow process (I would know), but even naming this struggle is already an act of resistance. Maybe we’re allowed to take baby steps back to joy. We are more than the pain we’ve felt.
Talk to a therapist if you can, and try to give joy just as much space as sadness and survival take.
It’s said that it takes somewhat between 18-254 days to build a habit - but healing from old ones can take a lot longer.
In short: Yes, others can relate.