I've heard this so much throughout my life. That everyone has a bad childhood, that we all grow out of it, the past is the past, etc. It's almost like people think there's a door, and when you walk through at 18 you become an adult, and then you close the door behind you.

Looking at it now, I think people do this to avoid dealing with their childhood trauma. It's easier to close a door and never look at it then it is to open it up and see what's lurking behind it.

This is more or less a DAE post. When I was a kid, I felt genuine cringe/ick towards other kids my age after a certain point who still played with toys because I felt like we were too old for that. And I’m talking like, 10 years old. Weren’t they embarrassed? I had moments of self awareness where I wondered if I was the weird one, but for the wrong reason of not being “immature”.

I also always hated receiving praise even as a child. It was embarrassing and felt extremely infantalizing. Still does to this day actually. I never understood why teachers would do that and other kids weren’t seemingly as bothered by it.

And don’t get me started on seeing other children behave poorly in public. What I realize now is pretty normal behavior was not acceptable for us.

how the hell did you do that? I can barely process information, and the thought of being in debt after university is overwhelming. Working while studying would drive me insane.😭

I meet people all the time who have accomplished so much by my age, 35. I'm still over here lacking the most basic life things like safety, stability, a home, friends, community, any career progress, no healthy romantic partner, no kids, no community, no meaning or purpose to my daily life. The only reason I'm not on the streets is because of some savings money, that is keeping me alive. But it'll run out soon so shrug.

“What happened was awful but you are stronger because of it”

I hate that phrase or whatever variant is thrown at me. I feel like anyone who shares their trauma, especially childhood trauma hears that..

I feel like a lot of us do still try to give it a purpose, “I’m more empathetic”. I used to say it motivated me to pick a profession that helped people like me, I wanted to be the person I never had.

But all that does is give the abuse undeserved merit. It’s a hard truth that I feel is necessary to let sink in as you process the past years of abuse and trauma; you are not stronger because of it.

The abuse was senseless, it had no purpose and you are worse off because of it. It damaged you, it broke you. You were dealt a bad deal.

There is no good that comes out of abuse. If you are empathetic, if you choose a career path to help others, that is because of you.

Personally I found it necessary to acknowledge this while grieving the years; childhood, teenage years, early adulthood, lost to abuse.

It gave me nothing and it took everything. All I am now that I can be proud of is despite of my pain not because of it.

Seriously I have no idea how to be a functional adult. I was never taught anything about life, I was too busy trying to survive my circumstances to learn anyway. I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm constantly making super stupid mistakes that most people my age know better about. I'm terrible with money, basic life functioning like taking care of a living space, what to do about important documents, basic hygiene stuff. I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing or how to survive.

I recently came to this realization. All my life I have taken the perspective that people without trauma are less safe and caring because they don’t know what it’s like to suffer. I and others with cPTSD often self isolate or people please to avoid conflict. However, I noticed people without trauma are wary of those with cPTSD because they don’t understand our emotions. To them, we are unreliable friends and workers who can get triggered and act unpredictably. It’s weird to think about each side being fearful of the other.

Edit: hi just making it completely clear that emotional abuse is real. it is a threat to your self, life and wellbeing, it damages the brain in the same way that physical abuse does. I made this post because I wanted people to stop comparing physical abuse to emotional abuse because I find it counterproductive. but this has seemed to have the opposite effect and a lot of people seem triggered including me so, I'm really sorry about that. It wasn't my intention. I may take post down soon.

Just a quick trigger warning for people who have experienced emotional abuse, I am going to be saying some things here that could be triggering.

I keep constantly hearing "oh actually emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse"

I don't know why people always feel the need to compare the two. They do different kinds of damage. Keep in mind that it triggers people who have PTSD as a result of violent physical or sexual abuse. When people constantly talk about how emotional abuse is worse. It is triggering to me, in the same way if I were to say to you.

"in my experience the brand that real violent terror burns into your brain is far worse than the years of emotional abuse I have experienced, they are incomparible to me, and nothing compares to having your body and physical safety threatened physical abuse is far worse."

That would be triggering? So why tf do people think it's cool and fine to say "erm actually emotional abuse is much worse" Aside from anything else there is no physical abuse without emotional abuse. Physical abuse is emotional abuse.

I'm sorry if as someone who has only experienced emotional abuse, you feel gaslit and like people don't understand the significant damage you've had inflicted on your psyche. But comparing your struggle to the struggle of a different group of people in a way that downplays their struggle in comparison to your own actually sucks of you. Stop doing that, it's horrible.

Everyone has different traumas and different brains and we are all going to have things that impacted us worse. Thanks.

Have you ever experienced when you talk everyone going silent weirdly and staring at you blankly? Or make you feel like you shouldn't have been the one that talking? Or ignore you like your opinions don't matter, you're not there at all? Yep. I'm talking about all of these and they are painful to me.

This was a psychiatrist. I have no idea what kind of definition they have for ptsd but they straight out told me i can’t have it because it happened 15 years ago and i can’t still have the symptoms now. I described them all my symptoms which related to it, even flashbacks. How the fuck am i supposed to still have flashbacks if i don’t have the disorder? what the fuck? how is it supposed to “ vanish “ after a while ? I told them my body feels completely frozen in fear most of the time because of the trauma and fear and they say “ yes but its not fear related to trauma but fear of living your life “. im so sick of this shit.

I’m genuinely wondering because this is not the first time, are psychologists and psychiatrists usually NOT trained in how trauma actually works? I’ve seen an almost complete ignorance on the topic, i have seen thousands of psychiatrists and psychologists. Many just diagnosed me some random personality disorder even after telling them all the unspeakable shit that happened to me since i was 5.

I just ran into an old teacher of mine.
I managed to get a technical degree ten years ago.
Went to classes, got triggered all day long, came back home to drown the symptoms in alcool and self-harm.
I succeeded, because I am high functioning.

Just lost my job in a completely different field and I forgot everything I learned during these studies.
Living with CPTSD is having your mind completely out of balance so how the hell could I even pretend to remember anything from ten years ago. These years have been 10 years of psychological nightmare.

Anyway, he just told me "you were one of the smartest, you should do something with that degree. I noticed then you were socially anxious but it's time to blossom now !"

Like WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE to tell me about my own life ?

I experience this so often...
This FUCKING question: "What do you do?" "What is your job?"

The "YOU SHOULD" sentences just trigger me so much.
People have no fucking clue and they act as if they were so full of wisdom.
Damned, they're just so full of shit.

I'm feeling so angry right now.
BLOSSOMING ISN'T ABOUT FITTING IN.
For me it's about leaving survival mode to reach a state of emotional peace.
People are so boring they don't have anything to talk about other than their social status.
Fuck that.

What if I'm just not wired to work a full time job?

And what's even more frustrating is I'm unable to stand for myself and I just end up fawning and saying "yeah I'll think about it", while all I want to say is "I've been through a hell you know nothing about, so PISS OFF".

Anyway, I just needed to rant.
I'm sure most of you can relate.

Title

Seeing a therapist. Or a doctor. Or a psychiatrist. Or talking to snap (food stamps) or trying to get housing or getting a case worker or trying to get on disability ANY OF IT. I feel spoken down to. Like if I wasn’t so stupid/didn’t give up so easily/mentally ill/a burden on society I wouldn’t have to be here.

It’s like these people don’t think I know how to tie my own shoes.

So much lost potential and happiness

People are disappearing from my life and I don't know what to do.

A couple of people who reached out to me when they knew I wasn't OK, I opened up to them a bit about my mental struggles, because they offered to help or provide a listening ear. But then after that they've distanced themselves or ghosted, and it's the most triggering thing ever.

Another friend who provided support to me during a crisis, I've been reciprocating by asking about them, and how they're doing, and over time it now seems like I've been ghosted.

For a couple people I've opened up to, Ive even tried to go on and change the topic of conversation to something else or something lighter and the ghosting still happened.

I dont know how much of this is my autism repelling people or my trauma, or both?

It feels like the world is saying "I can't help you, go over there and deal with it, away from me". I understand that therapy is important to help people deal with intense mental health struggles, but even just having someone offer a listening ear means the world, don't have to fix my problems for me.

it's so hard to heal from things when you try to reach out and end up losing connections in your life.

Maybe you're supposed to keep things to yourself and hide your struggles, maybe if people offer to help or provide a listening ear it's just a nice thing to say, maybe they're more curious than anything, maybe when you deal with stuff you're supposed to shut your mouth and take care of it yourself and not rely on people for support.

Maybe its my autism, maybe I'm being weird or coming across a certain way and don't realize it?

My fear of abandonment is triggered so much and I'm so scared, I don't know what's happening. I feel like me and the world are repelling like oil and water.

Im even scared to read the comments, like will everyone tell me I'm doing something wrong and then I feel guilty that its all my fault?

On top of a lot of trauma/stressful things I'm experiencing, I work from home and I think I'm going to lose my mind from the isolation and loneliness if I haven't already.

https://www.cnbc.com/2023/02/10/85-year-harvard-study-found-the-secret-to-a-long-happy-and-successful-life.html#:~:text=Contrary%20to%20what%20you%20might,Period. "The most consistent finding we’ve learned through 85 years of study is: Positive relationships keep us happier, healthier, and help us live longer. Period."

I am 30, no serious career, no partner, and no friends I consider such. I am deeply unsatisfied with my life. I'm seeing "friends" of my age around me getting settled, and being content with their life. They literally told me, that they are at a point where they are fine now. They have stable careers, a long lasting partner. A couple of them are thinking of having children. And I am here, with nothing. I do have more money than them probably, but still. I have zero status. I don't feel connected to anyone. And I am deeply traumatized too. Man this is triggering me so much. I am so, so stuck and tired.

Im trying to understand why Im easily repulsed by clingy, dependent people and Ive reached a few possible explanations, wondering if anyone will relate:

1. The person who traumatized me most was needy. They remind me I was a child tending to the needs of an adult, as a consequence never having my own needs listened to, feeling responsible for this persons emotions
2. they feel unsafe. Their desire to know me is scary because it always ends in hurt or being used if I do open up.
3. It disgusts me because it reminds me of the self ive buried. Deep down I want love and understanding so bad, and heres this person begging for it from me when Im so empty. How do they not feel ashamed when I feel so ashamed asking for anything?

Mostly Im disgusted by clingy people because I see them as people who will use me as a machine for attention while never seeing me as a person, and eventually they will discard me when I can no longer serve that purpose

NOTHING FUCKING PMO MORE THAN HEARING THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE NO THE FUCK I'M NOT!!!!!!!!!! I STILL LIVE IN THIS HELLHOLE!!!!!! and i might as well still be a fucking child too as long as im here!!!

"you need to work on getting out ASAP" 🤯🤯 no REALLY?!?!?! i never thought about that before!!!!! HOLD ON LET ME JUST 🏃 🧳 REAL QUICK yeah its so easy you're so right guys youre righttttt ive never thought about just getting out before and certainly not multiple times a day every single day let me just pull $1000/month out of my ass for the tiniest studio apartment my city has to offer

oh btw what about disabled people who have cptsd? who cannot live on their own and whose abusers are also their carers that they need to live and cant afford to hire a carer? any advice on how those people can heal and regulate? ......anyone?? *cricket noises*

I think he was trying to suggest daoist ideas, but telling someone with c-ptsd to "go with the flow & be like water" and that everything I see and know is an illusion.. I'm a cult survivor, I spent years combating the insane ideas of the people around me. Why, just fucking why. There goes the hour this week, I wonder if he's trying to get me to stop contacting him. Anyone have experience with something like this? Is this normal within psychotherapy?

Edit: I will be finding a new therapist, thank you all. I can't respond to everyone but I've read every comment & I'm very grateful for your time / consideration. Y'all can be wildly insightful & I appreciate being seen. You've said things I felt but didn't know how to say right now. Thanks again.

Starting to care enough about my body to seek healthcare -> the doctor doesn't care enough about me to give me healthcare.

Stopping using self-isolation as a coping mechanism -> time for unrelenting feelings of loneliness instead.

Starting to recognize harmful behavior from other people -> realizing a lot of people in my life are actually treating me like shit.

Stopping fawning -> people actually tend to prefer me as a doormat.

Building a sense of self-worth -> wait, I am actually being treated extremely unfairly by society and there is nothing I can do about it.

Starting to be myself more -> a lot fewer people like me now.

Finally starting to have dreams -> I can't reach them because traumatization has left me a disabled, fatigued mess.

Started learning to rely on people in times of crisis -> doing it too much instead because I'm so often in crisis.

Being more open and vulnerable -> UNRELENTING REGRET

Getting an idea of what kind of people I want in my life -> a lot of people are actually full of shit.

Seeking "help" -> providers usually haven't got a clue of what they're doing and who they're choosing to work with.

Then there's the grief. The disgusting, sticky, never ending grief over what was done to me over and over again, when I was so little and defenseless. The anger, the frustration, the utter disappointment in humanity. The fear and cognitive dissonance over just how many people are perfectly capable of hurting others and how few that are able to hold themselves accountable for it.

I need a vacation.

I'm still kinda trying to wrap my head around what she said and what it means. She said that most of her patients come in stuck in being victims and her normal course of therapy is to get them out of being a victim and into being a survivor. She said I'm the opposite. I survived so I figure it couldn't have been that bad. She said she's having to work to convince me that I'm a victim.

The therapist I had before this one was definitely trying to do the same thing. She kept telling me I'm abused and this or that is abuse and "so you're having dinner with your abuser" and "he's a sociopath" and I just thought she was being hyperbolic.

When I say the things that happened, it feels like a lie. It feels like surely I'm just exaggerating for attention. But these things really happened, I'm not lying or exaggerating. Current therapist says that feeling that way is part of the abuse.

I don't really know what to do if it really was that bad. I mean, I'm here and I lived through it so nothing really changes, but at the same time everything changes.

I can't turn off my hyper-vigilance. It's not fear-based, but I'm acutely aware of everyone and everything around me all the time. Being in public spaces makes me want to slap and scold every person I see. Nobody has any \mind** about them.

-People walking four abreast on a crowded sidewalk, not a thought in their heads and ready to bumper-car right into me even as I try to dodge out of the way--so obnoxious! -People with their dog leash stretched across the entire length of the sidewalk, oblivious that they're creating a trip-wire for me as I try to get past--idiots! Self-centered idiots! -I find myself mad on behalf of other people who may not even be mad. Dude walking down the center of the street for no reason--can you not hear that there's a car coming up being you? -*Girl just stops to look at her cell phone in the middle of the doorway!? WTF! Boomer with their cart literally perpendicularly blocking the entire aisle from the middle of it, how can you not notice the traffic jam you're causing!

I can't not notice all of these things, and I'm being driven mad my how clueless and self-absorbed and brainless everybody seems. I realize rationally that that is the normal state of people and that my "hyper-vigilance" (which I think should be the bar, honestly) is holding people to standards that I guess are unattainable for them and that maybe is unfair to hold them to, and it makes me so unendingly frustrated.

For years I attributed this to just having grown up in NYC and now being surrounded by rubes, but the past 5 years of CPTSD education have really made sense of a lot of my behaviors to me. I grew up with an enmeshed BPD mother whose wild mood swings I always had to anticipate and preemptively sheepdog. Still, now I know *why* I am this way but I have no idea *how* to just relax and stop being aware of the unbearable amount of unconscious inefficiencies of human mindlessness in public places.

Does anyone have any advice for me because I can't keep being this angry. It's untenably uncomfortable.

for a long time i never blamed anyone but myself for the things that happened to me and i drowned in the repercussions of that until i realized that these things should have never happened. i have the right to be pissed off.

i realized within the last year that no, these people shouldn't have abused me. i was a child, how was that ever MY fault? once i started actually holding the people who abused me accountable and wanted justice, i became the bad guy though. "you refuse to move on" "you want to be a victim" "take what happened and let it empower you" said the people who have never lived with ptsd. constantly, the same words ringing through my head "why don't i just get over it". really, i have a victim complex? no, i was just victimized.

i want to get the life i never got to have back just as much as everybody else around me wishes i was different but it isn't that goddamn simple. trauma is only accepted if you have some amazing come around and recover. you somehow never let it change you. that really just happens in tv though it seems like. it makes people uncomfortable to see how real and miserable it is to really live with ptsd.

I turned 28 yesterday and I had to write an Instagram post to jig the memory of those around me... whereas I think 'oh isn't so and so's birthday in May, let me check' people don't do that for me.

And don't get me started on the ones who watched my Instagram story and said nothing.

I find birthdays so triggering as I feel very neglected and unloved by people so I end up not making plans with anyone and then get upset when they live up to my expectations. What I really want is to be celebrated, with the cake and candals and a party, surrounded by people I love and who love me, but I feel like I don't have people in my life who would celebrate and love me the way I want on this day.

I ended up spending the day with my mum abroad which was nice but I still ended the day in tears as I have, a 3rd time running.

Anyone else? I feel very raw and vulnerable.

Which is like being allergic to oxygen. You NEED it to SURVIVE, but it also mortally wounds you. Fuck this shit