I'm sick of hurting people

[u/Unlawfulfoetus109764]

I can't continue with my behaviour. I say horrible things to people all the time over the smallest things, Ive upset all my friends before and leaked their secrets to others for really no reason at all. I always talk badly of others behind their backs, make judgements about those who I don't know. Ive always been like this, and I know what I am doing. I dont hate myself, but I am aware that I am inherently a manipulative, volatile person. My girlfriend broke up with me partly due to my behaviour, and I again said many horrible things to upset her, and make her feel worse even though she was trying to better herself. I constantly say bad things about her even though she doesn't deserve it. And got aggressive towards her in public embarrasing her and her friend. A couple of days ago I leaked her biggest secret that I was the first one to know about just for attention. At least 30 people know now. I feel so much guilt and regret for how i have treated her, and how I am only using my current girlfriend for sexual favours.

I need help and I do not know where to start. I have began reading scripture, I want to attend church and help the community, but then I feel I would be doing that only for selfish reasons, not out of the goodness of my heart.

[u/RecommendationSalty8]

You need more than Jesus. Your saying "I know I hurt people. I know I manipulate. I don’t hate myself for it. I just can’t stop.” That’s classic antisocial PD.

The good news is you want to stop.

Did you come from a chaotic or abusive household where you learned to wield power for survival? Maybe you didn’t get much comfort from one or both of your parents, and you weren’t in tune with your emotions. Empathy may not have been taught to you as a child. Maybe you witnessed betrayal or neglect, or experienced it yourself.

The kid who learned early that emotions get you crushed, now grows up to control emotions in others through manipulation. It tracks.

A good therapist (for CBT DBT MBT) can help with behavior modification. By good therapist, I mean one that can help you with containment, and accountability, and not force you to feel things that are not there.

Good luck.

[u/One_love222 → u/RecommendationSalty8]

Agree with everything except the PD diagnosis here. ASPD is a pretty pervasive pattern that leads people very close to or consistently in prison. He's displaying shitty, immature, manipulative behavior, not criminal behavior that is causing life-changing harm to others. I absolutely believe he should seek help/therapy, but this is likely a case where he needs to grow up and consider the feelings of others.

[u/Wild_Professional693]

I have the same problem and it's ruining my life and relationships. I've made attempts to improve before and it's helped a little, but after not very long I fall back into the same behavior. I don't have access to therapy, so I'm not sure what to do about that.

[u/darkGrayAdventurer → u/Wild_Professional693]

I think that therapy is anyone’s best bet, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t improve at all otherwise:) @OP, this is equally applicable to you, too!:)

Reading articles, participating in online forums such as these and learning from others’ successes, and even working with ChatGPT (or your chatbot of preference) to connect what you read with your own experiences and behaviours will provide you with invaluable insights and opportunities for growth!! Of course, if there are humans (friends, family) that you can discuss this process with without feeling like a burden on them, that makes the growth and progression all the more effective and fulfilling.

But, first and foremost, you have to be willing to analyze your thoughts and behaviours, compare them with formal diagnoses about these conditions, and formulate and implement incremental changes to cultivate growth and positivity. The point is, you can definitely find avenues other than therapy to engage in self-improvement:))

I really hope this helps — good luck, you got this!! The beauty of human nature lies in the ability to consciously change, grow, and evolve. It’s definitely not going to be easy, but that makes it all the more fulfilling and rewarding.

Last but not least, if you end up using ChatGPT / other chatbots, be extremely mindful of starting to prioritise it over human interaction — that can only be detrimental. It’s a tool to improve human lives, so use it in such a manner to improve yourself so that you can be a better companion and friend to the other humans in your life.