r/MadeMeSmile • u/TurboKid513 • Aug 04 '24

Small Success Left a toxic relationship in March and moved in with a friend. Yesterday my son and I got the keys to our apartment. We don’t have much but today we’re done living out of a duffel bag. Don’t be afraid of starting over if you’re unhappy!

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u/Thatshowtomakemeth Aug 04 '24

I’m going through this and it’s still so hard. I hope I can be positive about it soon.

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u/[deleted] Aug 04 '24

I'm nine months into an awful break up as well and I'm still waiting to not care about a person that did so many horrible things. The heart is a weird thing.

I hope you can find someone to take your mind off of your ex soon. I wish I had more answers.

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u/[deleted] Aug 04 '24

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u/ponzicar Aug 04 '24

Learning if you can trust someone requires the risk of giving them enough of yourself that they could hurt you. And that's scary. Your family has given you a thorough education on what unhealthy relationships look like, but they've given you no examples of what a good relationship looks like. You at least have the tools to avoid the worst case scenarios of relationships. If you're in a stable enough place and you want to get rid of that dark cloud, it's okay to take a risk. Starting your first serious relationship in your late 30s or early 40s may be a bit unusual, but it's nothing to be ashamed of, and it avoid the immaturity and drama that comes with the teens and early 20s.

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u/Dimos1963 Aug 04 '24

Embracing this risk, even with its inherent fears, can lead to meaningful and rewarding experiences.

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u/AliceBets Aug 04 '24

You know it already but there is no love without the risk of suffering… You must decide to take the chance. Or forever live like this.

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u/[deleted] Aug 04 '24

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u/AliceBets Aug 04 '24

I see. Do you trust that you’ll nonetheless recognize a good chance to love and be loved?

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u/[deleted] Aug 04 '24

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u/idkifita Aug 04 '24

I can relate to what you're saying. I was never in a relationship until I was 40 because of trust issues related to my family. I was alone but not lonely (or not lonely very often, just rare moments). I was content in my life. I happened to meet someone that I wound up in a relationship with. It was an accident more than anything, we just meant to be friends lol. But I feel sure that had that not happened, I would have continued happily along on my own. Do your thing, focus on what brings you joy, enjoy your life. Society seems to have this incessant need to see everyone paired up, which is antiquated and stupid. As long as you're happy, that's all that matters.

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u/[deleted] Aug 05 '24

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u/idkifita Aug 05 '24

The view that some people seem to have that not being in a relationship means nobody loves you is a weird concept to me. It kind of negates all the other forms of love, as if if it's not romantic love, it doesn't count? What I mean is that I'm sure you've been loved, are loved, and will be loved by many people. So, who decided that being single means "nobody loves me"? Ridiculous.

In my mind, there are only a couple of good reasons to be with someone. One is if you're the kind of person who really, truly desires to be in a relationship, and it's your major goal in life. Like, someone who feels like their life won't be complete unless they marry, have kids, stuff like that. That's a completely valid way to be, we all have our priorities, needs, etc. The other is if, like me, you happen to fall in love without meaning to and it works out. Being with someone just to be with someone has never made sense to me.

Keep doing your thing and to heck with societal standards. They're mostly BS anyway.

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u/[deleted] Aug 04 '24

Allowing yourself to be loved is a lot harder than loving someone else, compounded when there is this much pain in our younger years. It's sad how sadistic some people can be to others. Especially when it's their own children.

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u/AliceBets Aug 04 '24 edited Aug 07 '24

Yup. Cruelty, neglect… The world would be very different without them. But there is a possibility that someone may love another in such consistency and loyalty over time that they help repair that lack of willingness to open up. It takes a lot from that person, to whom all the while in return isn’t reciprocated. But it has worked. And if no one is taking the other for granted, it can make for a great love story.

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u/[deleted] Aug 05 '24

Honestly I understand this to my core. But I'm sorry to say I have yet to meet a man that is willing to put in the effort or time. Much less the compassion 😬 I believe they are out there but harder to find then Waldo

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u/mamamiatucson Aug 04 '24

Learning to become vulnerable is a whole mental battle for some of us. At 44 I know I still have it & I’m pretty happy wo a partner at this point in life. I do have to admit it’s bc I’m still learning I can actually be safe being vulnerable tho- and that’s after years of therapy.

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u/TurboKid513 Aug 04 '24

It’s going to be a long time before I can trust anyone again. She actually used the end of our relationship to manipulate me for years. EG:

“If you don’t do this for me it’s over”

“If you disagree with me it’s over”

By the end of it I’d stopped listening to her all together and just said “yeah sure ok” but I still lived in fear of the end every day. I left the hotel we were staying at and loaded my son into the car. As soon as I closed the car door I felt a sense of relief wash over me and it’s been better ever since. Last week she sent me a text and said she missed us. I bit my tongue but I wanted to tell her I don’t miss her at all.

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u/Critical-While-5310 Aug 04 '24

i feel seen. 🙏

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u/[deleted] Aug 04 '24

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u/pepitawu Aug 04 '24

I did the same thing, mine was a messy divorce (no human kids, thank god) but took almost two awful years to wrap up the legal side of things after I discovered she was cheating on me. A little over a year into the various bottles, I realized that it wasn’t my ex ruining everything positive I had left anymore, it was my own choices now. And I quit. I wasn’t so far gone that it was dangerous to stop cold turkey, but I’m sure I was close and it was still incredibly difficult.

I hope you are able to get off the train sooner than I was. Although I was still heartbroken, once I quit drinking I was able to start actually rebuilding who I am and eventually realized similar to the alcohol, I was better off without my toxic ex in my life too.

I’m approaching 40 now, still haven’t mended the heart enough to put myself back out there, but I do now believe I will find love again in this life… And that I’ll be okay on my own until I find the actual right person for me to share that with.

Take care, internet stranger. I hope the heartache begins hurting less soon. I hope you reach out to the people in your life that are still around. And if you’ve burnt all of those bridges, I hope you find the courage to love yourself again anyways. There are other bridges to build and that’s often best done sober. I’ll be cheering you on.

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u/jankeycrew Aug 04 '24

I'm 31 and have had a few clarities in my life. I realize that after all I've pruned, all the successes I've had clearing toxic relationships, the only problems left are mine. Alcohol was, and is, one of them, and I recognized it a bit late. I still haven't been able to shake it, and people like you help me want to persevere. All that's left is to get sober. I know I can't put myself out there yet, I'm stuck on myself. I can't build bridges if I'm f'ed up all the time, it feels like a spiral. But I'm getting closer each time. Thank you for this.

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u/unicornsaretruth Aug 04 '24

It sounds like you need to go to a detox center then have like inpatient or outpatient rehab along with aa everyday.

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u/jankeycrew Aug 04 '24

Sounds like you could do without internet privileges for a few days.

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u/Complete_Spread_2747 Aug 04 '24

Best of wishes for you. The only thing I ever found in the bottom of a bottle was emptiness. I voluntarily went to rehab for a bit which helped immensely. No shame in seeking help from a good source. May you find comfort, Internet stranger, and peace be with you.

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u/No_Masterpiece_2416 Aug 04 '24

Serenity Now Brother... I'm right there with you and let's be wise about it... Our poison just exacerbates things.. I wish you luck and prosperity brother, I understand

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u/Hawgster Aug 04 '24

Drinking and drugs are my biggest regret after being cheated on and divorced. 3 years sober now

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u/[deleted] Aug 04 '24

Ive been there. Be patient with yourself. It takes time. Scientifically, i read that the oxytocin takes about 1.5 years to leave your system. And that's about how long it took for me. Then he stopped haunting my thoughts after that and it was like whoosh! So much easier! Everything started falling into place. The less contact the you have with the ex the sooner the mind lets go. Surround yourself with women who support you. Try to not talk about him unless you really need to, to get things off your chest. conversations going over and over the bad situation you left keep your brain stuck. If you can find a good therapist, or a good friend who will talk to you like a therapist would (my big sister really helped me) that can help. Stay strong. Time will fly. Sooner than it feels right now you'll be looking back and thinking what the hell did i ever see in that person?!
Good luck!

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u/Ghouly_Girl Aug 04 '24

I’m a year and about a half or so out of this. I can say with certainty you will get there. And it is a great feeling to no longer care. You’ve got this. 💕

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u/wicil2d Aug 04 '24

i left my abusive ex so many times i can't remember them all, but i let him back in every time he came back. the pain of being away from him was unbearable and he was the only thing that made me happy. weird, because he was also slowly killing me, mentally and physically. one day he did something to me that was so repulsive, every ounce of love i had for him just evaporated. it's like my brain rewired itself. i left that day and have never faltered, despite all the times he's contacted me over the years. i haven't even missed him for a second. you're right, the heart is such a weird thing

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u/[deleted] Aug 04 '24

I would give up everything I have to be able to feel nothing for her. I'm incredibly envious that you got to get out on the other side.

Recently I found out she had an only fans for the last five years and was cheating on me with multiple partners during our relationship so now even the good memories I had of our relationship are completely tainted with lies. Today is the worst I've ever felt.

It makes me wonder what the fuck is so wrong with me that she needed to find other people and give herself away like that and keep it from me

I don't really know how to process any of this. Giving up is one of the major thoughts I'm having right now.

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u/wicil2d Aug 04 '24

that's really, really, really shitty. that "what is wrong with me, why was i not enough?" feeling is one i know well and i'm so sorry you're dealing with it right now, it's not fair. all i can say is that it's impossible to be "good enough" for someone like that. being cheated on is never your fault, cheaters only want all the new and exciting parts of a relationship, then when things get tough or they get bored, they find someone else to keep them entertained. then they turn around and lie to their partners with a straight face. they don't even have the respect to end the relationship, they just take the easy way out. someone like that does not deserve to occupy your mind (though i know that's easier said than done).

please just don't give up. i can't tell you how, but things do get better. i know it doesn't look like it, i know it feels like there's nothing to look forward to, but keep going. if for nothing else, then to spite her and everything she did to you

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u/[deleted] Aug 04 '24

Thank you so much for taking the time to console a complete stranger on here. I saw her for the first time today since the break up at a gas station in our tiny town with the new douche bag she's with and my whole body went into shock. I'm spiraling really hard right now.

I removed all contact and blocked her on all the social media and all that shit but it's such a small town I knew it was going to happen eventually that I would see her.

I've been over here by myself and haven't even been on a date since we split here she is looking like she's having the best day of her life with this guy.

Just kills me that she can do all of those things to me and act like nothing ever happened and I'm over here depressed as shit wanting to end mine because there's not really much enjoyment in my life and hasn't been for a long time.

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u/Enough_Plate5862 Aug 04 '24

The worst thing I did was go back multiple times. It just takes time. Sometimes it's a long damn time.

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u/Cultural-Regret-69 Aug 05 '24

May I offer advice? Only because Iv’e walked this road already. “I hope you find someone to take your mind off your ex” yeah that someone is YOU. What you need to do, is learn to feel happy and safe in your own company - then you’ll never depend on another person for your happiness. After 20 years in an abusive relationship, I’m staying single for good. I like being able to make MYSELF happy. 😊 Now, I travel the world solo and I love it 🥰

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u/polythenesammie Aug 04 '24

You'll get there, just keep your goal in mind and keep at it. You got this 🫂

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u/Risky_Bizniss Aug 04 '24

I'm also currently going through this, and everything in me wants to go back to the relationship because it's familiar territory. I know it will just be the same toxic bs, but the obstacles of beginning over again with 3 children seem insurmountable. Taking it one day at a time right now

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u/Different_Ad_7671 Aug 04 '24

❤️❤️❤️

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u/caffeine_crazed Aug 04 '24

Hang in there. You’re doing the right thing for your future.

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u/Thatshowtomakemeth Aug 04 '24

Thanks, it feels like I need constant reassurance right now so I appreciate that.

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u/KrisMisZ Aug 04 '24

Everything is going to be ok follow your heart of hearts 🫶🏽

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u/FentPuffMemory Aug 04 '24

I know you from some other world

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u/[deleted] Aug 04 '24

You can do it. Things will get better. Hugs to you!

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u/Thatshowtomakemeth Aug 04 '24

Thanks so much!

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u/thekashpny02 Aug 04 '24

It will get better for you. I will pray for that to happen for you 🙏

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u/Sea_Instruction6670 Aug 05 '24

You will be! Just give it time and if you need unconditional support look for the momforaminute sub :)

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u/AngrySumBitch Aug 04 '24

Hang in there! Hope the best for you!

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u/PhoneRings2024 Aug 04 '24

Me too. You've given me hope.

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u/HighestIQStudent Aug 04 '24

took me almost six years to forgive a bad relationship, not romantic relationship but some family relationship that was my childhood nightmare. Try not think about the past too much, once you don’t think about it, your brain will have this mechanism that protects you and lets you forget the details of the horrible memories slowly. After maybe two three years you will forget most of the things.