r/Mommit • u/birdsofwar1 • 1d ago
Resentment towards husband is growing
My (31F) and my husband (30M) just welcomed our first baby just under 10 weeks ago. After a traumatic second trimester loss in February 2024, this was everything we had wanted.
I knew it would be hard. My husband works a job where he travels for 1-2 months in the fall and 3-4 months in the spring. When he’s traveling, he’s working 10-12 hour shifts 7 days a week. I’ve always appreciated how hard he works and I know it’s difficult for him. This usually leaves me to handle our home, 3 cats, 2 dogs, my own job, and now our baby girl.
When we first started having conversations about starting a family, I told him that I wanted him to be in a position, whether it was within his company, elsewhere, or using his GI bill for a degree, where he would be home more because I knew everything would be on me and it would be extremely challenging.
The first baby we lost was due in July, which would have worked much better with his schedule. I was just over 17 weeks when we found out she was nonviable and lost her. In my grief and depression and desperation to have our family, we decided to take a break from trying for a couple months. My husband had to leave to travel for work 6 days after my surgery. We waited 2 months and when he came home, I got pregnant again.
My husband received 10 weeks of paternity leave (more than me 🙃) to be used whenever he pleased. He used about 2.5 weeks then left to travel for work. He has been gone since mid February and won’t be back until mid May.
I am surviving. But sometimes, it feels like I’m just barely doing so. I am taking care of the baby 24/7, and i adore her. She’s the best. But that means 24/7 feedings, diaper changes, formula and bottle prep, putting down, staying down, tummy time, doctor appointments etc. Then I have the 2 dogs. Food, water, letting them out, exercise, etc. Then there’s the 3 cats. Food, water, multiple litter boxes, cleaning up hairballs almost every day, and now I’m wrestling one of our cats twice a day for 2 weeks to shove medicine down his throat because he has a UTI. And the house. Dishes, garbage and recycling, cooking, laundry, etc. I’m just doing the basics at this point to not live in a dumpster. And I went back to work part time 2 weeks ago. My job is in serious limbo because of this administrations cuts, so I’ve also been trying to apply to jobs. Then there’s showering, eating, etc.
Both of our parents are in town and we have a strong village of friends. I am very lucky that both of our parents come for a few hours to help watch the baby while I work, and friends offer to help and bring food.
But I’m burnt out. I’m so tired. I just want a break. I am grateful for the help I have but both of our parents shouldn’t have to be burdened with doing so much with this situation and our friends have their own kids and lives to worry about. My parents are retired and traveling, my FIL works and is undergoing radiation for cancer, and my MIL comes occasionally for a few hours and she travels a bunch. When I do get help I can’t relax because I have to do other things.
My husband is working long hours, but I barely hear from him. He’s either working, out to dinner with coworkers, or getting full nights of uninterrupted sleep. He was just telling me how he might go golfing on his day off, and he’s planning to go to a minor league baseball game soon.
I can’t help but feel resentment. I know what I was signing up for. But if I waited until he finally made meaningful changes to actually be home more, I’d be 40 and having kids would be a different conversation. I just want a break.
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u/scapegt 1d ago
He left to travel for work while you were 2.5 weeks postpartum with a newborn? When he had a full 10 to spare? Plus pet & house care? AND you barely hear from him, AND he’s gloating about leisure time?
You’re exhausted beyond measure. You’re supposed to rest and be taken care-of postpartum, not be stretched to the point of breaking. And no, this isn’t what you knew you were getting yourself into. This isn’t your fault. He’s fully checked out. This is so much more than you not getting a break.
I’m so sorry.
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u/birdsofwar1 1d ago
I wouldn’t say he’s gloating, but it does feel like that even with him just telling me his plans because of how strapped down I am.
I’m now pretty upset that he didn’t take more of his leave. He has unlimited PTO so that was never a problem. He’s in a newer position so he says it wouldn’t have looked good if he took time off and missed his travel work. Which is not incorrect, but I wish he would’ve used at least some to be home more during this time. It’s also not as if he’s going on vacation and skipping out on work. He says he’s planning to save it for the end of the year/holidays. Which again, makes no sense with him having unlimited PTO. I needed him here now.
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u/Lanky-Pen-4371 1d ago
Have him take more leave now. This is an emergency. You are struggling and it’s not ok for him to be completely gone in the fourth trimester
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u/scapegt 23h ago
If a job grants 10 weeks for a new baby, and they put pressure on him to return, they don’t care about human life, full stop. He’s milking this time away at the expense of your exhaustion. Be as upset as you can while you’re stuck, because things can’t immediately change this second I so get it. Just know you deserve so much more & plan accordingly.
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u/birdsofwar1 23h ago
Oh I completely agree. When we lost our first baby, they let him stay an extra 6 days before making him leave to travel. I was still in a diaper
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u/scapegt 23h ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you & baby have some fun this weekend and squeeze in some kind of relaxation. When I was a single mom with 2 time was so scarce especially when youngest wouldn’t sleep. Bubble baths at night, a new book, do something just for you when you can!
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u/birdsofwar1 19h ago
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I’m lucky to have family here and a crazy strong village. I just hate these circumstances
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u/Middle_Hope5252 1d ago
Seriously. The fact that he still has ten weeks to spare and went anyway is appalling. Postpartum recovery can vary widely but if she or baby had any sort of complications then two weeks was not enough. Not even close.
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u/jessykab 1d ago
Why isn't he taking his full paternity leave? This is the transitional time into parenthood when you need the most support. Are there plans for him to take the remainder? Now just might be the time. It's gonna be a tough adjustment. But don't set the precedent that work comes before family, speak up like "I really need the support, I'm not doing well, please come home and take the rest of your leave."
Also, I've got 2 toddlers now, but that first year with our first was the absolute toughest year of our relationship. It rocks your world, it's a lot of trial and error and adjusting accordingly, and that's okay. So far you've learned that what y'all are doing right now isn't working for you, and that's okay too. Now, you try something else that ensures your needs are met too.
FWIW, we hired a cleaner for the first year with our second child. I wish we'd thought to do that with our first. She literally did the bathrooms and mop the floors but that saved me hours of work. And counseling has helped me work through the personal woes that come with parenting and marriage.
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u/birdsofwar1 19h ago
I really appreciate this feedback. Obviously it’s not like any of this was a surprise to us. We tried to prepare and set things up the best we could. We are very lucky to have family here and a crazy strong village. But now that I’m in it, it’s just not working. I was considering a cleaner but then got the news that my job was at risk so I held back. I’ll probably look into it again at least for the time being
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u/Aioli_Level 1d ago
This sounds like hell. You must be completely exhausted. Pets are a HUGE additional burden when caring for a newborn. Can you hire additional help? Daily dog walkers and a biweekly cleaning service to help you get ahead of things?
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u/Middle_Hope5252 1d ago
Hire and dog walker and house cleaner. Nonnegotiable - if he is gone than you need help. You could even look for a “mothers helper”, they are usually younger and just getting started in babysitting. Have her come over and be on baby duty while you are home prepping dinner, taking a shower, doing laundry, paperwork, reading a book, or if you feel comfortable then taking a short walk around with the dogs.
Make sure you have the gear and set up to be successful. Invite parents or friends over for a nesting party to prep easy freezer meals/snacks or tidy the nursery.. Get a meal delivery kit that takes away the “what’s for dinner” and does some of the prep (like Gobble). Most have trials that are reduced cost so you can try a few as long as you cancel before the full cost one hits. If someone comes by to visit the baby they have to empty the dishwasher, fold laundry, change sheets, scrub a toilet, scoop kitty litter, dust the fans, OR walk a dog first.
YOU ARE STILL RECOVERING. Not getting good solid care for you right now puts your long and short term health at risk. There are a multitude of things that can happen postpartum.
Last. He has NO EXCUSE for not texting or calling and checking in. NONE. He can set an alarm on his phone and shoot a quick text “between meetings, thinking of my girls. How are you guys doing today? Did Sophie (or whatever your baby’s name is) have a good morning feeding? Is she holding her head up well at tummy time”. ZERO EXCUSE. If he doesn’t know what baby’s should be doing developmentally at different weeks - there’s an app for that. He should know all the info (pediatrician, etc) and then should be 100% in it when he’s home from travel. Schedule her pediatrician visits when he’s home. Either both go or send him alone. When he’s home, sign YOURSELF up for yoga, therapy, massage, mama walk - whatever fills your cup - and go. He’s on baby duty. You can provide some instructions the first time but then it’s sink or swim. He has to know how to take care of his own kid. If you want to be nice, have pediatrician number on the fridge. Bottle amounts, warming instructions, and timing posted next to the bottles. Set up a “baby first aid” that has. The Tylenol dosage. But he has got to spend time alone with that kid when he’s back so he feel confident stepping in … otherwise you’re the expert and he will default to you - you’ll also step in before he has a chance because you’ll know her cries and can respond quicker. So it helps to leave the house and let him settle in. He needs to take some more of that time off. Hands down, he’s putting you at major increased risk for PPD/PPA with his behavior.
Built up help in the interim. And then demand he take time. Leave and take care of your for the day while he figures out the reins.
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u/Lanky-Pen-4371 1d ago
Seconding this. This is a good answer. data shows PPA and PPD are much higher when moms don’t have partner support. My husband only took two weeks fully off because he didn’t have leave, then worked from home and I was still drowning!! I can’t believe you’re doing this all on your own without your co parent/the father.
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u/Global_Bar4480 1d ago
You have a lot on your plate with a minimal support from your partner. Maybe have an honest conversation about it with him. Think about rehousing pets at least temporarily.
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u/Positive-Polly-33 1d ago
This hun is a conversation to have with him. On one those days off he needs to make you priority for a bit and listen. Any person in the world would feel resentment right now, but this is a new era for yall where you must be able to communicate your needs. He will need to better understand what supporting you looks like whether it’s in person or at a distance and get comfortable in that role because as parents you’re gonna need it. Best of luck
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u/birdsofwar1 23h ago
I try so hard to have these conversations with him. It happens virtually every time he’s gone. I’ve begged him for years to look into other jobs, positions, school etc. That it’s going to be so hard on me if we add a baby into the mix. He just won’t go out of his comfort zone and is convinced there’s no other job option for him
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u/PrudentPoptart 22h ago
What I don’t understand, is why you went into this knowingly and had a child. You begged him for years and he never did, why did you think it would be different now? Please don’t have more children with him.
All you can do now is try to talk to him and you need to figure out a way you can get meaningful breaks without him. Because he’s already shown you where his priorities lie. Expecting something different now is kind of the definition of insanity. Even if it’s shitty.
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u/PrudentPoptart 22h ago
What I don’t understand, is why you went into this knowingly and had a child. You begged him for years and he never did, why did you think it would be different now? Please don’t have more children with him.
All you can do now is try to talk to him and you need to figure out a way you can get meaningful breaks without him. Because he’s already shown you where his priorities lie. Expecting something different now is kind of the definition of insanity. Even if it’s shitty.
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u/birdsofwar1 21h ago
That’s partly my fault. We planned our first pregnancy so that he would be home for the first few months, and then would only have to leave for maybe a month or so and be back. We found out in the second trimester that she was nonviable and continuing threatened my health and life. We had to flee the state to terminate. We took a couple months off but in my grief and depression and just desperation of wanting a child we got pregnant again and my due date was a couple weeks before he typically leaves. It was very bad timing
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u/Visible_Mood_5932 20h ago
What were your guys’ plans long term with him being gone so much? I get postpartum is rough, but parenting doesn’t end there. Kids need their parents beyond infancy and toddlerhood. Surely you guys were aware that him being gone pretty much half the year really isn’t realistic when it comes to having a young family, no? Having a job that requires you to be gone for months at a time is one of those jobs you have when your kids are on their own, not when they are growing up
Was there a conversation about this? Your daughter/kids are going to grow up and not really know their dad because he’s gone so much, and you are going to essentially be a married single mother with his current job and travel requirements. So I ask, did you guys have a conversation about long term logistics about this situation?
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u/birdsofwar1 19h ago
Yes, we did have those conversations. Mainly it was usually me bringing it up. Because I had those concerns. I would point out to him that he can’t coach teams and attend father daughter dances and etc etc if he isn’t here. And he and his sister went through the same exact thing with his dad (who worked the exact same job) and it was tough on them. He always told me that he was working towards positions and jobs where he would have to travel less and less. And that getting hired onto his current role (he was a contractor and got hired by the main company) would give him the opportunity to get his degree and have them pay for it.
The fights always happen when I tell him that I wanted to see concrete, solid plans. What’s his 5 year plan? What does he want to get a degree in? Etc
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u/Visible_Mood_5932 19h ago
I think the harsh truth is, he has no plans on changing. I think deep down you know this. He would have already done it if he wanted to. It also makes even worse his dad did the same thing and he was on the other side of it.
Realistically, he should’ve been looking for other jobs the second you guys started talking about having kids. It’s not like your pregnancy was an oops out of nowhere. He knows the impact it will have on your daughter because he experienced it himself with his own father. He just doesn’t care enough to make the changes. Plain and simple.
He got mad at your for making him show concrete plans and initiative because he has no real plans to change. He was just saying what he needed to to appease you for the moment. Unfortunately now with a baby involved, your choices are either grin and bear this situation the next 18 years and be a married single mother and or leave him. He’s made it clear he has no plans to change the current situation
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u/Timely_Skill_7495 1d ago
Hire some help. It can make a big difference getting some things off your plate. It won’t be forever (unless you wan it to be!) it’s a great help having someone do laundry or get groceries. You’re in survival mode. Sending hugs.
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u/birdsofwar1 23h ago
Yes I think I’m going to. I was going to hire a cleaning service but then my job became unstable and it wasn’t a priority. Now it is
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u/cheerio72 1d ago
Husband needs new job that doesn’t involve travel. Solves all problems. You’re drowning and it’s unfair.
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u/birdsofwar1 1d ago
I wish he could get a new one but he’s been at this same job for a very long time and is in a very niche field. He went into the army straight out of high school and then to this job. He does make very good money and I’ve talked to him about exploring other options. But he would be seriously limited without a degree and looking in his field
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u/sosqueee 1d ago
My husband works a job that keeps him away from the house 5-6 days a week. I have 2 kids and 2 cats. No family nearby.
Your husband NEEDS to be paying or providing support for you in place of him while he’s gone. That’s just it. You say it makes very good money so hire a nanny, a dog walker, a maid, whatever you feel you need to survive. You won’t survive otherwise.
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u/birdsofwar1 1d ago
You’re right. I was looking into hiring a cleaner but when my job lost its stability I held off. I’m going to look into it again
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u/sosqueee 1d ago
My husband works a job that keeps him away from the house 5-6 days a week. I have 2 kids and 2 cats. No family nearby.
Your husband NEEDS to be paying or providing support for you in place of him while he’s gone. That’s just it. You say it makes very good money so hire a nanny, a dog walker, a maid, whatever you feel you need to survive. You won’t survive otherwise.
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u/Lanky-Pen-4371 1d ago
Then if he’s been there for a long time he can definitely take his leave. He can’t have it both ways.
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u/cheerio72 1d ago
So is she. I never said anything bad about him, he’s just away too much with his current job and with all of the responsibilities at home, she needs more support from him than she’s getting.
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u/birdsofwar1 23h ago
The lifestyle I’m used to? Lmao ok. It would probably benefit you to actually read the post. I DO have a job. I actually have a masters degree and make very good money. And in terms of this “lifestyle”? I’m really confused on what you think I’m doing lol we have a modest house in the south. The most indulgent thing I do is have a gym membership through my insurance.
Wild that you think he’s funding all of this
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u/Lanky-Pen-4371 1d ago
Also, just because you “knew it would be hard” or knew what you were getting into (somewhat, as much as you possibly can before baby), this isn’t your fault. All of that goes out the window with a newborn. No you didn’t really know how hard it would be because you didn’t have a newborn and you didn’t know. Toss that aside and deal with the facts right now - this is totally impossible and unsustainable and a lot has gotta give right now, including him taking the rest of his leave. Totally reasonable you’re resentful, this is not normal. Especially that he seems emotionally unavailable and isn’t calling you every night to FaceTime you and his baby and check in. Personally I’d lay it down that he has to take the rest of his leave right now
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u/Clau3c 1d ago
I get what you’re feeling. Have a talk with your husband, he needs to take time off . Also, rely on your help, personally I could only get a real break when my baby wasn’t home . So maybe one of your in laws can watch your baby at their house? If not, maybe you get out of the house. I used to resend my husband a bit too during this period cause he got to keep working but we actually took turns with parental leave , so he stay home when I went back to work.
Voice your feelings and ask for help
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u/Capelily 1d ago
He has unlimited PTO
Plus eight weeks of paternity leave left.
If it were me in this situation, I would insist on having a serious talk with your husband now.
He needs to understand that you are completely overwhelmed, and that you're feeling resentful towards him for not using more of his paternity leave.
Also, unlimited time off is something he could also use. It's there for times like this, and using it for the reason it's offered--to help with a newborn and overwhelmed wife--is a perfect reason to use it.
He needs to start stepping up and being there for both of you, and the pets.
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u/ayellewhy 1d ago edited 1d ago
Im surprised people are suggesting getting rid of the pets…pets are a part of the family for many people and that’s not an option. I agree with hiring some help - hire someone to clean your house, especially the more intense cleaning like vacuuming, mopping, cleaning bathrooms. That way, you just need to do the daily maintenance stuff like dishes and laundry. Do you live in an area where groceries can be delivered? It’s so worth it. It sounds like you have some family support available? Have a couple planned times weekly where they come to your house to help so you get a break. Look into hiring a babysitter once or twice a week so you can get things done around the house or get a break. I’m a firm believer that if one spouse is extra busy with work to make a good salary, then part of that salary can be used to replace the mental and physical load of parenting with paid help. ETA: Sorry, I missed the bottom part where you talk about him not talking to you and doing his own thing on his day off. You and him absolutely should sit down and EQUALLY divide up his time off (because that’s also YOUR potential time off). Parenting is 50/50 when nobody is working. If he golfs for 4 hours on his day off, then you get 4 hours to do whatever you want when he gets home.
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u/birdsofwar1 1d ago
Thank you. Unfortunately rehoming the pets aren’t an option. We’ve had them for years and years and they are family. It would destroy me, I know that. And I know for some people that that is a good option, so no shame there. It just isn’t for us.
I was going to hire a house cleaner, then I got news about my job potentially in limbo. It’s more solid than I expected which is good but there was a real worry before that I would be laid off. So I held off on that, and I’ll look into it again.
My family has been good at giving me breaks and coming over, luckily. It’s just tough because if they are watching her, then that means I need to go get the dishes done, clean the litter boxes, etc. I do get groceries delivered sometimes and it’s been a godsend
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u/Lanky-Pen-4371 1d ago
You need real breaks. Not for more housework but to sleep, leave the house, feel like a normal person and do self care. You are going to burn out so fast. You already have and it’s ten weeks. Having a newborn is a marathon. It’s a hard first year. Get all the help you possibly can now from your husband family and hired help. This is a crisis.
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u/ayellewhy 1d ago
Agreed!!! Breaks should not just be for getting stuff done! Breaks are for free time too! Things that fill your cup - whether that’s time with friends, shopping, gym, napping, whatever you want.
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u/ayellewhy 1d ago
One more thing I’d suggest (if going to therapy isn’t a great option for you right now) is listening to the podcast Couples Counseling For Parents. It helped me realize my feelings and needs as a new mom were valid and gave me good language to use in having those conversations with my partner.
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u/ElectricalBus2620 1d ago
Oh man you are doing sooooo well…. Having a baby is bloody tough and you are slogging it out on your own (yeah you have some help but it’s not the same).
Unfortunately your partner will probably never realise the extent of how it has been for you and that is a bitter pill to swallow but take pride in that you a accomplishing something really difficult despite rubbish and not being on top of everything that is impossible.
If you can afford it hire a cleaner and just try to find those little moments in the week for you, the long hot shower when baby finally is asleep, putting on your favourite perfume, doing skincare.
I know it isn’t much of a break but I just tried to focus on the little areas I could think of to make myself feel good and taken care of even if it was me taking care of me.
Try to not compare to any other Mother’s you know in real life or online….find the people who see you and hold you x
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u/silverphoenix2025 1d ago
I don’t understand why he didn’t take his paternity. Leave the full 10 weeks, especially if he’s getting paid. It’s understandable that you are presenting him. I totally understand that, however, on the flipside, when you got pregnant, the second time you didn’t know what job he had. Of course it all goes back to the paternity thing and you thought he would take his for 10 weeks so there’s that. The word was not supposed to be presenting was supposed to be resenting sorry.
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u/Substantial_Art3360 1d ago
You need to outsource some jobs. If he is gone this much and it isn’t making you extra money then it ain’t worth it. Can you get someone to clean your house or help take care of pets? Local kid to dog walk?
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u/birdsofwar1 1d ago
Unfortunately it is the extra money. It’s a LOT. We wouldn’t be in the financial position that we’re in if he didn’t do this work. Especially since my job isn’t stable anymore.
But for some reason I didn’t think about the dog walking thing. I know I can find some neighborhood kids who would walk the dogs for sure
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u/Substantial_Art3360 16h ago
Absolutely cheaper than a company. And it won’t be like this forever. Once your baby is 9months old he/she will be on a better routine and you will be able to take a stroller and walk together. Use your resources to take a nap if you need to! You got this.
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u/sassy-cassy 1d ago
Okay, so maybe you’re stuck with this until May, BUT he should not save his paternity leave for the end of the year. He needs to take it as soon as he gets back. Let him know how much you are struggling right now and he has to take on the load when he returns.
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u/New-Economist4301 23h ago
So sorry you’re married to someone so inconsiderate who cares so little about his partner and new child. That really sucks
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u/Visible_Mood_5932 22h ago
OP, I say this kindly, your husbands job/career is not compatible with having young children. It would be one thing if kids were older and independent and pretty much doing their own thing, but this isn’t the case. Being gone 5-6 months out of the year with young children is not sustainable or realistic. Not only because it leaves you to do everything, you’re basically a married single mom, but your children won’t really know their dad as he’s gone all the time. I get that it’s hard to give up the money, but when you decide to have children, there are major sacrifices you have to make sometimes. Your husband needs to decide if he wants to change his job and or career or lose his family, because eventually the straw will break and he will be forced to choose. And it may be too late at that point.
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u/TheSorcerersCat 14h ago
So I work in an industry where people usually do 3-6 week shifts fly-in-fly-out for most of May-November. People who work in senior positions are either unmarried or divorced. Mostly divorced.
I think that before you have a kid, you imagine it and think it'll work out. It'll be ok. Other people have done it. And then you actually live it and see that it's actually intensely difficult. It's harder than expected for different reasons than you expected. And that's ok.
Of course you're going to resent him. His life hasn't been turned upsidedown like yours.
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u/Dylidaly 1d ago
1) get rid of some animals immediately. I’m no fan or either cats and dogs when I had my infant. It was too much work.
2) have a honest conversation with your husband about how you feel.
3) find a village and social outlet.
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u/daisy-duke- Wishes was a real polyglot.🙂 1d ago
get rid of some animals immediately.
Wouldn't rehoming or even allow another person to foster them?
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u/StillTraditional1796 1d ago
I suggest giving the pets up for adoption; the pets will get a family who actually has time to love and care for them and you get your break.
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u/FluffyRN 2h ago
If your husband’s job had no chance of changing - the pace or availability of leave - then the amount of living critters you are responsible for needs to change. No one wants to think about getting rid of a pet, but you also need to really consider what you can handle and what you can’t. Is there any option of you to rehome some of the animals? I know personally my dog takes an absolute ton of time to take care of and as much as it would kill me - in your situation, I might think about rehoming the animals. Also, your husband‘s job doesn’t seem very conducive to family life or a strong happy marriage. I can’t see how resentment won’t continue to grow with how absent he is.
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u/RantingSquirrel 1d ago
Whys he not taken his full paternity leave??