r/Mommit • u/[deleted] • 19h ago
Advice needed
I (26f) have two kids (4f and 5m) and am pregnant with our 3rd baby. I want so badly to be the parent that doesn’t spank/pop my kids on their bottom or mouths for something if there’s a better way to go about it but find many times that’s all that will work. Popping/spanking is usually a last resort.
My problem is here recently (the past few months) we’ve had an issue with listening, attitude and being mean to other people.
For my son our biggest problem is how mean he’s been. For example, my daughter has a stuffed animal which she named Lemon, my son told her it was a stupid name. Now, she’s an arguer and doesn’t necessarily put up with it but that usually leads to bickering and arguing which is another problem all on its own. This is a Mild example but the first one I could think of, and it extends to adults as well. I was smacked in the mouth growing up so that is my first instinct and I’ve always worked really hard to not smack him.
They’re both having a hard time listening, it’s taking me yelling at them to convince them to do something. I know this is a normal kid problem but I need to know what others are doing and what’s working for them.
My daughter is a HUGE arguer about anything and everything, she’s even argued that I said she could do something when I didn’t, so I worry we’re crossing over into lying.
Naturally All of these things are made worse when older cousins are around, so that is also an added twist.
Issues: Being mean/disrespectful Arguing Not listening
Things we’ve done: Put their nose on the wall (one time I made them hold hands at the same time) Taken electronics Popped in the mouth Popped on the bottom Early bedtime
Anytime they’re mean to one another they have to say sorry
23
u/psa_itsme 17h ago
If the one person that is supposed to love and care for them is hitting them, of course they are going to be acting out. An escalated kid needs help regulating. Look up coregulation and please stop hurting your kids.
14
u/psa_itsme 17h ago
Im really having a hard time moving past this. The fact you’re so open and casual about “popping” them. I hope DCYF is called.
18
u/bland-risotto 18h ago
You would probably benefit from some parenting classes. Calling a slap "popping" doesn't make it anything else - you hit your children. That's physical abuse and you're harming them. You want your boss at work to "pop" you on your ass or mouth when you voice an opinion they don't like? It's such a disgusting power move because the only reason you get away with it is that your small children are defenseless against you. You'd never do that to an adult, no matter how verbally unreasonable they were, both because you have some respect for them but also because you wouldn't risk the retaliation. Don't do it to your kids just because you can.
What to do instead? Accept that kids are going to behave in uncomfortable ways and stay calm. Be happy they are developing to the point of being able to argue with you on things. That's good. Teach them to do it even more, but better. Start now to teach them debate and negotiations. What you call a lie, as if a 4 yo can really grasp how damaging dishonesty is, is just a kid trying different ways to figure out how to get what she wants (good thing, useful in life) and not yet understanding that you're going to know you didn't say that thing so her argument is useless - tell her what she could say instead to win the debate (even if in the end she won't win it because you have counter arguments, lead her through it anyway). Your son calling his sister's name choice "stupid", just tell him that's a mean thing to say and ask him to instead explain why he doesn't like the name. Let your daughter defend the name. If you teach them to get better at debating, you'll have less bickering down the line. Yelling to get them to do stuff? No, debate them. Let respectful debate and negotiations be an everyday thing in your home. They're learning life skills, I know it's not always a good time for it, but accept that kids often take up more time than you had planned.
19
u/Hot-Bonus560 17h ago
You “pop” your kids in the mouth!?!? That is truly insane behavior to me. You do realize how totally out of control that is right? If your neighbor, or boss, or friend, or husband, anyone for that matter, did something you didn’t agree with, would you hit them?? Fuck no you wouldn’t. Your children are not going to have any personal accountability bc you don’t. You’re wildly out of control if you are hitting your children. And yeah. It may work quick in that moment, but you know good and well you’ve taught them nothing but to hide things from you. Read some parenting books. Do some research. There is so much information out there.
13
u/Hot-Bonus560 17h ago
The more I think of this the more angry I become. How dare you hit your children and come on here so casually about it. Your children are being mean to each other bc they have absolutely no fucking roles models. Go to a parenting class. Yesterday. Read some research on the damage hitting your children can have developmentally. It’s straight up lazy and abusive. There’s no excuse for it. “Pop” in the mouth!??!? You are hitting your innocent child in the face bc they are being the brand new humans they are and do not know what to do. You model the behavior you’d like them to have. You don’t punish. You redirect. Reward behaviors that you’d like to continue. Fucks sake.
3
u/RosieTheRedReddit 5h ago
You are hitting and yelling at your children so maybe that's where they learned to be mean and disrespectful.
As for not listening, it is only important in emergency situations, like they're about to run into traffic. Otherwise, if you tell your child to "put that down," for example, and they don't listen, then just take the things away. No need to yell. Simply stop them from doing what they're not supposed to be doing.
Edit: also I never argue with children. If something is not up for debate, then don't debate it. Just shut your mouth and do what you said you would do.
•
u/almostperfection 28m ago
I’m glad you are looking for new ways to tackle this because you are recognizing that your current strategies aren’t working. Regulating their feelings is so hard for little kids to do, so I do a lot of co-regulating to show them how I want them to respond. Kids learn by watching how you respond to things and will mimic whatever you are doing. I love Dr Becky (podcasts, instagram, books) for ideas on how to parent and how to change our own responses to difficult behaviour.
22
u/PoorDimitri 19h ago
Listen, if you don't want to be that parent, you don't have to be. There are no situations that necessitate hitting your child (except, perhaps, slapping their hand away from a hot stove).
I was spanked as a child, my husband was spanked as a child, neither of us is what I would call close to our parents, and my sister is estranged from my parents and my husband's youngest brother doesn't speak to their father
It's hard, because that's what youve seen and what you know, but if you think about it, what does spanking actually teach them? If someone says something you don't like you should get to hit them in the mouth? I don't think that's a lesson you want to teach them.
You should read the book "how to talk so kids will listen", and check out Mr. Chazz on Instagram, both of them have a heavy focus on kid brain development and strategies for parenting and discipline that is constructive and science based.
The biggest thing, in my experience (kids aged nearly 5 and nearly 3) is consistency consistency consistency, and regulating my own emotional reactions to situations.
When something happens take a breath and remember your script or guideline for a situation (ex: use kind words). Remind the kids in a calm neutral voice ("hey Johnny, use kind words"). If the reminder does it, great, and if it doesn't "hey Johnny, come talk to me" *hold hands and make eye contact on their level" "in our family we use kind words. If you can't use kind words you'll have to go to your room for a time out."
And then if they keep using mean words, "okay Johnny, you need a break. Go to your room and take some breaths and calm down. Think about how to speak kindly to sister. I'll let you know when you can come out.
And if they won't go, take them to their room, same calm tone, repeat above script as needed. Help them take breaths, ask if they need a hug, reassure you still love them
Do this 1000x times, they'll get it.
My kids fight and bicker for sure, but they have moments of being very sweet that are getting more and more frequent and we keep up the plan.