r/ScienceBasedParenting • u/marvelladybug • 1d ago
Question - Research required How do I help my 15 month old understand custody exchanges?
We have had split custody since my son was 3 months old. We slowly worked up to 50/50 at 12 months. He’s now 15 months and I’m struggling with knowing I’m making the right decision by having him go to the door with me and tell him bye-bye and give hugs and kisses. He gets so so upset.
I just changed to this because the last couple weeks I would leave when he got distracted playing and the guilt of finding out that he gets upset when he notices I’ve disappeared is eating me alive.
What is the best/gentlest way to make these transitions easier? Every evening I stay for a while and nurse him, play with him and he’s so clingy because he knows I’m going to leave. Please help a sad momma figure out the best way to navigate this
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u/Aborealhylid 1d ago
Generally, until about 3, young children cannot be separated overnight for long periods from their primary attachment figure without developmental trauma. After 3 children develop object permanence and know their person is still around. Here.
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u/lovelyeyefirefly 1d ago
I personally am against 50/50 custody arrangements in general, I wish courts would stop setting it this way. Its for the parents, its not whats best for the kids. I had visitation with my dad where he'd come take us to dinner 2 nights during the week and we'd sleep over his house every other weekend - I feel like that was good. My best friend was 50/50 and she always felt like she didnt have a home. She lived out of a duffel bag because she constantly had to switch households. If she had something she really liked she left it at my house because she consistently came over almost every day regardless of who's week it was. My house felt more like home to her than either of her parents houses. Kids need structure and routine, they need to sleep in the same bed at night, they need a consistent home
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u/lovelyeyefirefly 22h ago
Never said they had to be. You can visit your child daily and ensure that they're sleeping in the same bed every night. And nobody said it had to be mom's house. But 50/50 custody is damaging to children point blank - sorry if that hurts your feelings.
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u/marvelladybug 1d ago
Unfortunately with having split households, as much as I would love to not have to be away from him overnight, there’s no getting around this. The most he’s away is 3 nights Friday-Sunday, but I always come visit at least one day of the weekend. I do every daycare pickup and drop off that way even on the days he’s not at my house, he’s seeing me twice a day and gets time with me in the evening. I try to be as present as humanly possible at all opportunities, no matter if it runs me ragged.
Believe me, I am so heartbroken that this is the reality of his childhood. But he does have a present and loving dad and that’s important too.
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u/clickingisforchumps 1d ago
Kids are resilient and flexible. Having a parent (or parents) that care as much as it sounds like you do is a wonderful thing, and I imagine the benefits of that will far outweigh any hardship from having to adjust to two different homes.
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u/zetsv 22h ago
I completely understand the conflict and pain you must be feeling over this. I want to say you are doing a great job and your son is lucky to have such a concerned and thoughtful parent.
I hope this advice isn’t unsolicited but my daughter is 2 and her father and i have been sharing custody since she was around 20 months. So she is a little older but there are a few things we do to help the transition for her from house to house i thought i could share. The first is her father and i meet at a neutral location to exchange her. Usually a cafe so we can sit down and talk for a few minutes about how she is doing/exc and not have a rushed hand off. This in particular seems to have really helped my daughter. Another small thing i do is to try to have little routines we do together before she leaves and after she comes back. She loves frogs so when she comes home i have her special shirt with a frog on it ready and clean for her to wear and she looks forward to it!
Sending you and your son love
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u/PlutosGrasp 21h ago
I don’t know if you’ll find any science to answer your question. It’s not really something that will be well studied with good quality experiments.
Your best bet is probably to work on positive reinforcement of baby leaving with dad. And mixing things up. Dad taking baby out for a quick visit somewhere and then back to your house so not every dad pickup is leaving mom. Maybe you dropping off baby at Dad’s vs. Dad picking up from Mom’s.
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u/Snoo_said_no 23h ago
Why are you doing daycare drop off and pick up on the other parents days.
I actually think that would be hugely disruptive to a young child.
As well as surely just being an undue burden and inconvenience on you.
Honestly I think a more predictable routine - if it's mums day mum collects, and if it's dad's day, dad collects. Without any "yey it's mum, nope not today" and unnecessary transitions. He has more than his fair share already.
Honestly with 50/50 custody you each have the prime opertunity to work a bit longer on the days you don't have him and a bit less on the days you do.
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u/marvelladybug 22h ago
In my opinion, that’s the only way a 50/50 schedule can work for us. I can not imagine him going from 8:00 Monday morning - 5:00 Wednesday evening without seeing his mother at all. That’s the reality if his dad was picking up and dropping off at daycare. Over the weekend it would be 8:00 Friday morning - 5:00 Monday evening, he’s FAR too young for that
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u/Glum-Grab3867 22h ago
I think it’s great you’re doing it this way. My parents had 50/50 custody of me and I remember numerous days of preschool being inconsolable because I missed my mom. Teachers would say “you’ll see her soon at pick up” without realizing and I’d have to remind them I wouldn’t be seeing her for a few days. I would’ve loved seeing my mom daily!
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u/Inevitable-Being-441 15h ago
A 15 month old has no concept of it being a mom or dad day…
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u/Snoo_said_no 14h ago
No but they struggle with the transition of a primary caretaker picking them up. Strapping them in a car facing away from them, then handing them over again.
It would be a lot less disruptive to minimise the transitions, so that whoever picks up from day care then spends the evening with them.
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u/Annual_Lobster_3068 1d ago
Do you live close enough to his Dad that you could drop him over and pick him up on Saturdays and Sundays until he’s older so he doesn’t have to do the overnights?
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u/magickaldust 1d ago
I'm sure she's doing all she can. There is probably legal reasons that isn't possible.
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u/UsualCounterculture 1d ago edited 1d ago
This just isn't true.
Children can have more than one secure attachment. The village is important in the child's life generally, and certainly with split custody.
Secure attachment is key, yes. But it can be with multiple parents, with regular daycare educators, with grandparents and aunties and uncles.
As another poster commented, the study you shared doesn't even back you up.
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u/Dat_Brunhildgen 1d ago
If the parents split 50/50 they are both primary caregivers. So this doesn't quite apply.
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u/SpaceWasteCadet 21h ago
The article you linked doesnt support the claims in your comment. It's an excellent article on attachment theory, but doesnt say anything about developmental trauma due to overnight separation, nor object permanence, nor any implied connection between object permanence and separation from a primary attachment figure.
Do you have any other research that supports those claims?
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u/MacScotchy 13h ago
Object permanence develops at 3? News to me. Last I heard, most get the basic idea before or near one, and have it pretty well developed by two. My two-year-olds can drag me to the park with no direction, bring toys from the other room on request, etc. OP's kid realizes Mom isn't there and cries; not sure what you'd call that, but I'd call it "remembering something exists even though it's not currently there," or "object permanence."
Weirdly, I couldn't find a single mention of "3 years" or any age over 24 months in your linked research, much less any backup for your specific claims.
Maybe take a second look at both your claims and your research?
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u/-moxxiiee- 1d ago
I have no research regarding this, but this is the best bullet points: https://www.discoveryaba.com/aba-therapy/how-to-handle-transitions-with-aba-strategies
Always let him know when you leave, and have the same routine to leave. Have dad also be as supportive as you’re being. And have a visual schedule and put a social story. Print your pic and dad’s pic and have in fridge the full week, each day remove the pic you’re in. Have dad also have the same schedule, and he removes the pic after each day.
Transitions can always be tough, but given the age, it’s expected, you just want to make sure he can visually understand what is happening.
If you dm me I can help you put together the schedule and social story.
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u/SubstantialString866 1d ago
I second your point of making sure he says good bye when leaving. I was a daycare teacher. The kids whose parents magically disappeared really really struggled once they realized the person they loved most could just vanish if they didn't pay attention constantly. The kids who got a good bye short and sweet and the parent was calm and cheerful learned eventually that "grownups come back!" (There's a Daniel Tiger episode about saying goodbye temporarily and I love to sing that song to kids. And all his songs really.) What you have to do is his normal, he is going to be stressed at first, but he'll pick up cues from his parents how they feel about it and it'll become what he expects.
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u/marvelladybug 1d ago
I am very interested in this, is this that something you think he can understand at the age he is now?
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u/PC-load-letter-wtf 1d ago
Our daycare has something in the handbook about never just disappearing on the drop off, even if the kid cries when you say goodbye. They had mentioned some research that suggested tricking them in the drop off is traumatizing and kids need to understand that you’re saying bye and that you will be back later. I don’t have it handy anymore.
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u/-moxxiiee- 1d ago
Kids learning/understanding varies so much at this specific age, but it worked wonders for my son, I think we started the schedule with our faces at 14 months and it very much made not having one parent present more manageable. He was very into it
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u/ithinkwereallfucked 1d ago
He is too young to understand right now, but he will eventually. Use the link as a guide on how to transition households. Good luck ❤️
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u/vermilion-chartreuse 1d ago
I wouldn't do a full week calendar at this age. At most maybe 3 days. Or maybe 4 or the max amount of time it would be until he goes to the other home again.
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u/UsualCounterculture 1d ago
My kid picked this up between 12 months and 15 months, so keep narrating! It clicks eventually, and possibly earlier, because you have been talking about it continuously.
Just keep explaining things.
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u/oak_and_maple 1d ago
I don't have a source but I divorced when my youngest was about 18 months and this is what we did. Calm, normal routines as much as possible. Age appropriate explanations with visual calendars. 3 years on, everyone is doing okay and my kids are both thriving. It's very difficult at times but you can get though it.
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u/EagleEyezzzzz 1d ago
Yes. We really love a social story / visual calendar for our little kids!! Our son’s early intervention therapists were really helpful in developing it.
For OP, a little book with photos of baby and the different caregivers and houses as a story to read through could be great. We also use a magnetic visual calendar with homemade photo magnets, down at kid level, that they update with our help.
Baby probably won’t really fully understand it at 15 months, but this stuff will help them understand and that’s the point! ❤️
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u/caffeine_lights 1d ago
Yes I was going to suggest social stories and a visual schedule. They can be duplicated at each house, maybe with a marker (you could use a photo of him perhaps) which can be moved from day to day showing what the current status is.
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u/Expert-Potential-256 10h ago
I’m so sorry. Your post has had me in tears. You sound like a wonderful mother who’s doing the best she can for her baby.
A lot of people hate this book but I wonder if you can use it to convince the dad to allow you to have full custody or at least more time.
Maybe you can convince him to allow you more time now and he can have more time when your child older or a preteen.
The author does provide tips on how to heal the parent/child bond after separations. Good luck mama.
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