r/SuicideWatch • u/Altruistic_Pen4511 • 22h ago

It’s checkmate

I wonder if anyone sees what I could do at this point, cause I can't.

Grew up in an isolated family with a year of homeschooling, struggled to make friends because my only socialization was weird sisters, and had never been put in sports or interests. Spent my childhood killing time. By 19, I’ve had no friends, no memories, and no growth. I was socially invisible, missed school because of ADHD or OCD over schoolwork (I still got amazing grades though somehow), and retreated into daydreaming to give me dopamine.

Now I’m still rotting away on Reddit, and my daydreams feel hollow. I can’t even imagine normal situations and conversations for a 19 year old. I've never had a real friend or life, and I’ve missed my chance. It was over years ago. It feels like checkmate.

Cause I can’t stand existing as this personality. I can’t stand that these were truly my parents. That this truly was my childhood. I can’t stand seeing happy younger kids getting real shit. I want to forget all of this.

11 Upvotes

93% Upvoted

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2

u/Blobbythegreat 22h ago

Fuck... As a 16 year old slowly falling into stagnation and isolation, i feel you.

Say, have you tried finding friends on Reddit ? It would be so fucking unfortunate to go out without having experienced friendship

2

u/Altruistic_Pen4511 22h ago

Yeah I don’t know, it’s hard to explain but I was able to kinda make a few friends (but girls) the last two years of HS but it’s more just very small acquaintances and idk. I feel like a 9 year old faking it as a teenager. I knew HS was the ending of my life cause everyone was truly growing up and I was invisible.

2

u/Blobbythegreat 21h ago

Could I ask you a question if it's okay ?

2

u/Altruistic_Pen4511 21h ago

Sure

2

u/Blobbythegreat 21h ago

Don't you think you should try to ignore this feeling ? Or is this feeling of invisibility unbearable in your mind ?

2

u/Altruistic_Pen4511 21h ago

There’s nothing I can do, it was over back in 5th grade when I couldn’t even talk to or play with anyone at recess.

Now…. Everyone is starting college with the base of their personalities and experiences they built throughout HS…. Yeah I’m done. I’ve spent the last 9 months in a fantasy in my brain 14 hours a day. I’m crazy

1

u/Blobbythegreat 20h ago

This is a fucked situation, and i can only hope the best for you. I don't think i am competent to give any advice on the subject, but if you wanna talk, i'm here and you can at least be sure that 1 guy don't think you are invisible.

1

u/Civil_Room_9560 20h ago

I’m 27 now… and still isolated. No friends. No relationship. No one. I grew up in a community where everything “normal” was forbidden, where joy came with guilt, and freedom was something I only saw in others.

I was deprived of so much when I was younger. And when I grew up… I chose isolation. Not because I wanted to, but because the world is cruel, and I was tired of being hurt just for existing.

So I stay in my little corner. With my thoughts. With my silence. Most days I question what I’m even doing here. What’s the point of living in a world so heavy, so cold, so full of pain that never ends?

I’ve got severe OCD. CPTSD too. And trust me… I feel you more than you know.

You’re not alone in this emptiness. Even if it feels like we’re all just screaming in separate rooms, I hear you. I really do.

1

u/Altruistic_Pen4511 19h ago

:(

What would you tell your 19 year old self to do?