r/UnethicalLifeProTips • u/CompressionNull • Jul 22 '23
Travel ULPT: If you get pulled over for speeding, spray your crotch with liquid ass and say you shit yourself.
Cop will probably not want to be near your window, want to touch your license or documents, and might sympathize enough to just let you go.
Bonus points for having some melted chocolate that you can quickly smear on your fingers.
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u/MedievalBully Jul 22 '23
I'd rather pay the ticket than try to get that rancid odor out of my car
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u/Fluffy_WAR_Bunny Jul 22 '23
Someone should invent Liquid Ass Neutralizer.
They'd probably make about $1200.
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u/Zoemaestra Jul 22 '23
Ozone machines are used for odour neutralisation in cars. They don't work too great lol
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u/magistrate101 Jul 22 '23
Obligatory Ozium contains no ozone since ozone is (effectively) caustic to mucus linings and the lungs.
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u/DookieShoez Jul 22 '23
It goes away after not too long.
Source: got sprayed with it more than once by my friend in our party days
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u/Just-Round9944 Jul 23 '23
I'm not sure what's more concerning. That it happened more than once, or that it was during your party days.
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u/DookieShoez Jul 23 '23
After half a liter of whiskey anything can happen. He thought it was hilarious and honestly, it kinda was. He was a ninja about it I’d walk out the bathroom and feel a light mist falling on me, fuuuuuuck. Now my t-shirt smells like farts.
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u/randonumero Jul 23 '23
You're going to be completely at the mercy of the cops. With that said, I did have a buddy get pulled over and during the field sobriety test he pissed himself. He had told the cops multiple times that he really had to go and was rushing home to do that. As he stood there covered in piss he started crying about how embarrassed he was and they eventually let him go.
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u/Nugasaki Jul 23 '23
I have to try this
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u/AsAP0Verlord Jul 23 '23
Yea, I already tried it, but instead of a cop it was with a girl on a date and instead of a field sobriety test it was at laser tag.
Mixed results I'd in my experience tbh
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u/kidfromthefarm Jul 22 '23
Not gonna lie this sounds like a r/ShittyLifeProTips to me at first, which is kinda ironic.
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u/Peet_Pann Jul 22 '23
Actually sitting yourself is way easier to clean up
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u/UNHBuzzard Jul 22 '23
Put a couple piss discs in your pockets in case you get hauled off in a cruiser. Jokes on them.
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u/SuperChips11 Jul 22 '23
Just wear a sock over your entire body. When they try to arrest you, all they get is sock.
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u/ScuffedJohnWick Jul 22 '23
Piss disc?
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u/slobs_burgers Jul 23 '23
Freeze some piss on a plate, slide it under someone’s door so it melts.
Liquid ass and piss discs are basically the mascots of ULPT and always get mentioned here. There’s also always at least one person asking what a piss disc is. Consider yourself baptized.
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Jul 23 '23
[deleted]
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u/GKrollin Jul 23 '23
Piss discs probably predate Reddit but I’m not sure when it became a term around here
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u/benmarvin Jul 23 '23
I remember piss discs from BBS text file days. Usually accompanied by the "shaving cream in a record sleeve". So that tells you how old it is.
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Jul 23 '23
I believe piss disc was a le troll? Rage comic in the early 2010s, but liquid ass is 100% genuine grassfed no antibiotic organic non GMO r/ulpt produce
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u/sirgog Jul 23 '23
Liquid ass as a weapon of trolls and revenge definitely predates this sub though. I remember how much havoc that shit caused at school in the 90s.
It was sold as 'fart gas' here in Australia and on one occasion a teenage me ... might have... sprayed it onto the back carriage of a packed train just as the doors were closing.
I... might have... boarded the next train in a middle carriage afterwards and noticed with amusement that there were about 100 more people than you'd expect waiting at the very back of the next station.
It was the fart bombs that caused the most havoc though, because they were no longer in your possession when they went off, so noone could pin them on you. Prime them, slide them across the classroom floor, then watch a wave of revulsion spread across the room. Once it reaches the teacher, class usually got cancelled.
Think my classes had 6 or so evacuations caused by those things. This time none of them were me.
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Jul 22 '23
Always keep a turd in the chamber.
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u/Big_Cassowary Jul 23 '23
Or the glovebox
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u/DarthAK47 Jul 22 '23
Yeah, I’m just paying the ticket...
A real ULPT is to keep yours, or someones elses, shit in your glovebox to cover the seat with if you’re pulled over. Smear some on your face for the greatest chance of getting away.
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u/Hard_Rr Jul 23 '23
One time as i was just getting my permit, my friend got me a bumper sticker for my car "i'm only speeding cuz i really have to poop" because i could fart on command. one day i'm coming home and i'm going maybe 10 over the speed limit and i get pulled over. Well, i do as any teenager would do and i ripped the foulest fart with my windows up. i could barely stand my own cookin and started to tear up a bit. as the cop comes over i roll my window down and mid sentence as he's asking me why he pulled me over, he could smell it and i said with a teary eyed face, "officer it's true. i really do need to poop". and he gave me a warning.
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u/spannerNZ Jul 22 '23
Have done something similar with a sick baby in the back in his car seat. Explosive diarrhea and vomiting. Just got waved on.
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u/BeautifulShoes75 Jul 22 '23
I have an ileostomy bag. I could just open that shit up and - well, you know.
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u/matadorobex Jul 23 '23
If you get pulled over for speeding, but are out of pee disks and liquid ass, quickly start having relations with the cop's dad. He will be too awkward and confused to give you a ticket.
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u/tatiwtr Jul 23 '23
ULPT: Make friends with a police officer and get one of their PBA cards, then the police officer who pulls you over will let you go due to systemic corruption.
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u/steel_hamerhands Jul 22 '23
I don't keep liquid ass on me but I do have a cooler full of piss disks on the passenger seat.
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u/NamBot3000 Jul 23 '23
But now you risk the cop shooting you because you looked like you were reaching for a gun when you were really reaching for your liquid ass spray.
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u/shugEOuterspace Jul 23 '23
I actually got out of a speeding ticket in rural Wisconsin (near Menomonie) many years ago by simply telling the cop that I needed to get home or I was going to shit my pants. The cop simply stepped back & waved me on.
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Jul 23 '23
[deleted]
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u/Piece_Maker Jul 23 '23
Are you saying you wouldn't then be in a rush to get home and clean up/change?
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u/Bonlio Jul 22 '23
Cops won’t care if you shit yourself
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u/Brave_anonymous1 Jul 22 '23
Would they be brave enough to take your license and registration from your hands?
Or do the alcohol test that might make them to have to get you to the station in their cruiser?
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u/abradolph Jul 23 '23
I mean yeah. You're probably even more likely to get alcohol tested if they think you shit yourself. That's not something sober individuals do often.
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u/Brave_anonymous1 Jul 23 '23
Psychologically though, they would feel disgusted to touch the things you touched, get close to you, and especially put you in their cruiser (how long would it stink? who will be cleaning it later?).
So it is a gamble between cop"s feelings of greed, disgust and power trip..
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u/bbygril Jul 23 '23
Woah, speak for yourself big guy, I shit myself stone cold sober like every 2 and a half years
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u/InUSbutnotofit Jul 23 '23
Christ on a cracker!!!😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Jul 23 '23
[deleted]
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u/InUSbutnotofit Jul 23 '23
Oh no…I didn’t mean to offend. Just a dumb expression, I will not say ever again. My apologies.
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Jul 23 '23
[deleted]
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u/InUSbutnotofit Jul 23 '23
Oh phew!! There’s only a few people in this world that I would intentionally openly offend, and I’m pretty sure you’re not one if them! However; I am so grateful for your response because I need to think thoughts through before typing.
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u/OverlappingChatter Jul 23 '23
And then how do you fix your car? I'd almost rather have the ticket than try to deal with the messm
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u/theultimasheep Jul 23 '23
I get nauseous when I'm nervous, and can pretty much throw up on command. The first time I almost threw up on a cop was an accident... Not it's my go to.
Fortunately, I don't get pulled over often. Don't want them to catch on.
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Jul 23 '23
Also keep a piss disk with you, slip that to the cop along with your license. If poop doesn't work, then that delicious bribe might.
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u/DanfromCalgary Jul 23 '23
Bro cops don't molest you for speeding where I come from.
All if these seem to be made by a extra terrestrial with limited knowledge of how.basic humans function.
Or an AI
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Jul 24 '23
This would plausibly work. Shitting yourself is clear reason for driving somewhat faster and more erratically than usual.
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u/A_Filthy_Mind Jul 22 '23
My Dad was pulled over and quickly cut his hand. Cop came up, saw a hand smeared with blood and my Dad saying he was driving to the hospital. Cop let him go, but followed him to the ER. Dad walked to the front desk, asked where the cafeteria was, just went back, washed his hand, and got a soft drink.