In a stunning and completely unforeseeable turn of events, the President of the United States, who repeatedly campaigned on a promise to implement tariffs, has now implemented tariffs, sending shockwaves through Wall Street and leaving financial analysts dumbfounded.

“This is unprecedented,” gasped CNBC market strategist Les Foresight, eyes bloodshot from staring at a red-tinted stock ticker. “Who could have possibly predicted that a politician might do exactly what they said they were going to do? We priced in literally every possible scenario except this one.”

The tariffs, which were outlined in campaign speeches, policy briefings, and at least 47 different rally chants, took investors completely by surprise. Major financial institutions, staffed by some of the world’s most educated and well-compensated individuals, have responded with sheer panic.

“Markets hate uncertainty,” explained investment guru Sandra Holbrook, pausing to wipe sweat from her forehead. “But they really hate it when things happen exactly as they were explicitly promised to happen. We much prefer when politicians lie to us so we can hedge accordingly.”

Despite years of open threats regarding tariffs on imported goods, some experts insist there were no warning signs.

“The administration telegraphed this move for years, but like, in a boring way,” admitted Bloomberg columnist Derek Lyons. “If they had announced it via Elon Musk tweet, maybe we would have paid attention.”

Retail investors, meanwhile, have reacted with predictable confusion. “I dumped all my stocks because a headline told me to,” confirmed Robinhood user and recent high school graduate Kyle Henderson. “Then I bought them back five minutes later when another headline said the tariffs ‘might not be so bad.’ I’m up $3.42 today.”

As the dust settles, economists remain divided on whether this situation could have been foreseen. Some believe that if financial experts had simply listened to the President’s public statements, they might have prepared accordingly. Others maintain that the only true predictor of government action is reading the entrails of a sacrificial intern at Goldman Sachs.

At press time, markets were in turmoil again after learning that interest rates are, in fact, still a thing.

What do you think?

OC

Trump Says the Market Will Boom Despite Selloff

Penis

Elon has recently posted 14 flags on X This will substantially tank $TSLA stock 14 flags mean something about protect white children and white supremacy. Throughout the week more and more people/news station will be covering this and painting him as a white supremists therefore the stock will tank and we will be printing. Also he will probably make more tweets to defend himself and they will all be flipped against him Or he does not try to defend himself making it worse So either way he will be a white supremists therefore tanking $TSLA stock at least 5-10% over the next two weeks Who buys Tesla’s? Liberals and liberals are not going to be messing with him no more Also Europe will not being buying anymore telsa with what trump is doing and china is just way better than telsa