As a conventionally attractive autistic female, I don't really like the way I'm viewed.

[u/[deleted]]

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[u/Kitty_Cat_Collecter]

That must be really frustrating - I don't think I'm conventionally attractive, but I definitely get the infantilisation, as I'm pretty short with a baby face, and habits of being very quiet/shy at first, but getting animatedly over-excited when discussing topics I love. I usually get perceived as 'cute' or 'childish' when I just want people to sometimes take me seriously as an adult. My friends endearingly describe me as a heavily caffienated toddler. 

[u/SaintValkyrie]

The best I can get is manic pixie dream girl, other than that I'm seen as a cute little pet.

I'm starting to realize people who want innocence are saying the exact same thing as wanting someone who is doesn't understand things and is therefore vulnerable and manipulatable. Which sucks. Because no matter what i do. I am still autistic and am more vulnerable.

I'm confident but I've found the issue isn't with me. It's with others refusing to change their perceptions of me

[u/AdorableStrawberry93 → u/SaintValkyrie]

Well said.

[u/Small-Black-Flowers-]

I’m in my 50’s and only just diagnosed with autism and ADHD. I get how frustrating it is when you want to be seen a certain way. I’m also a short female and when I was young looked like a kid with a baby face, and if I went into a bar had to show my passport to confirm my age. This went on until my late 20’s. I have been called odd or quirky a lot of times and kind of put that down to my failure of romantic relationships and also wasn’t good at reading people. I honestly don’t know why I pursued some of the relationships I got into. When I had my assessment the psychiatrist said I was resilient which was good of him but not sure I feel it though.😢

[u/AllinHarmony]

Hey girl, I relate. I take a lot of pleasure in being “seen“ by my partner and family and close friends. Everybody else, I’m sort of cosplaying for all the time anyway? So I find it successful when I can match the story. (Like, I have specific outfits I wear if I’m doing PTA stuff or like, the gym (obviously) or even errands? And I feel like I can blend into those environments well enough as to avoid people forming much of an opinion about me at all.) and I am absolutely not above using my “pretty privilege“ to help me when I’m out in the world. I can pretty much go up to anyone and ask them questions and they will happily answer me and that sometimes feels like a superpower.

I wonder if you are a bit young, like 20s? Because I remember spending my 20s very concerned about people having the “right“ opinions of me. My perspective on that stuff changed a lot in my 30s.

Now I think it’s fun to be cute and playful, especially since I have kids and all my friends hardly play with their kids - I get to be the fun mom that everyone runs up to hug when I show up someplace. I’m hoping that that youthful way about me will continue to allow them to come to me into their teen years.

[u/AllinHarmony → u/[deleted]]

Also, my friend, with gentleness and respect: your age alone is going to ensure that you possess some childish characteristics. It’s not a judgment on your intelligence or competence or seriousness. Don’t rush through your life!

[u/AllinHarmony → u/[deleted]]

I understand the desire, but competent, intelligent people cannot even agree on basic facts of life.

Even if there existed an objectively correct opinion of you, no two people will share it precisely. Everyone is bringing their own experiences and values and like, powers of reasoning to the table. And that’s a unique set of characteristics for each person.

Not to mention, you don’t actually have any way of really knowing and understanding what another person‘s opinion of you truly is. Even if you’re close enough to be able to ask them, and they’re honest enough to be able to tell you,… This is the separation of individuals; everyone has their own unique perspective.

[u/DatCrazyOokamii]

I'm 173 cm and built like a truck but like.... Okay let's say Vi from Arcane... Maybe Ambessa. I still get treated like a baby by some people. The height doesn't help. It's debatable whether I'm conventionally attractive though my self esteem will have me believe I am really good lookin'. Yeah as far as I can tell, even from being slightly tall and having the ability to knock some people out, it doesn't help. I've dated 2 people who would swear I was something to look after as a child but not allowed to be a whole person. My 2nd ex literally tried to control my meal scheduling or dictating when I shower because apparently I can't do anything I'm just the "cute weirdo." And he was like "But you don't do the counting thing like the Good Doctor I know how you work aaaaaa." Like, can I be.... a person??? Okay we get it I'm the crazy quirky neurodivergent token gf. It was in fact gross. Like a little worse since he was like "Look at her body" to the homies. He probably thought I was gonna be a controllable "cutie" and was disappointed that I, being a person, didn't put up with the bs.

Being characterized before people even want to know you... fuggin' sucks homie. I'm sorry. I get how it is, and sadly it doesn't seem to be how we're built but apparently a little bit of how we casually exist. Apparently there's this stat going around that 9/10 afabs on the spectrum experience being preyed on in creepy even worse ways. Istg it's like there's a problem aaaaaaa

[u/lunarie_ → u/DatCrazyOokamii]

You seem like a badass actually

[u/SharpCoderGuy]

On the bright side, you have enough self-confidence to see yourself that way, so good for you. Many people do not see themselves as attractive in any form - so credit where credit due!

Unfortunately, you can't really change other people's perceptions of you. People still think i am "insane" and violent, when in fact, I am simply a late diagnosis AuDHD, that used to box. People mistook my adhd behaviour and impulsive nature as me being "nuts". Even after my diagnosis people still see me as that person. In reality I haven't done anything to bolster those views really, outside of one or two incidents when I was a teenager (which was a long time ago now!).

[u/WeirdLight9452]

That sounds really annoying. I’m not exactly conventionally attractive but I have like very curly hair and a round face with dimples which people think is “cute”. I don’t mind my partner calling me cute, but it grates on me when anyone else does. I’m visually impaired but though I’m not a model enough people have said I have a pretty face that like it must be at least somewhat true, I can’t see well enough to know. But like I also have big blue eyes, honestly I have a lot in common with my cat lol It’s not the same for me of course, I’m just trying to offer support as best I can. Doesn’t help that I’m non-binary so “pretty” isn’t exactly what I’m going for.

[u/WhilstWhile]

I try to stay optimistic about it in the sense that nothing about how people see me is inherently negative, but it feels more like how you would characterize a child.

I’m glad you’re able to try to find the silver lining in this, but I also want to emphasize your complaints are valid. Just because other autistic individuals might have more struggles than you doesn’t mean your struggles are insignificant or invalid.

I imagine it does get exhausting if a lot of your interactions feel like people are infantilizing you. I’ve not had to deal with that, and I’m glad I haven’t. Because you probably have had to build up so much patience to suffer through people talking/interacting with you in a way that makes you feel infantilized.

[u/lockkfryer]

People view autistic men as “creepy” by default so I guess look on the bright side you don’t have to deal with that I guess

[u/Hungry_Huia → u/lockkfryer]

If I'm being honest, even though I know it can't be controlled, this is one of the reasons why I would prefer a daughter.

There is a lot of discrimination towards women in the workplace but given the inheritance I could leave my child (or just give to them while I'm still alive), honestly they could never work a day in their life (but I also want them to not be entitled).

I have a friend who expresses very similar traits to me but she is a woman and she has all these wonderful experiences with men (myself included) and I envy her so much.

[u/lunarie_]

That happens to me as well.

If being seen as 'cute' could hurt me - like in a job interview, where people might link it to immaturity for example - I go for heavier makeup, slightly formal clothes, dark nail polish, and overall darker colors. I also lean into my natural deadpan tone and slightly unexpressive-ness.

The result? People usually see me as cold and intimidating - which I far prefer, especially with strangers.

Though I only use the girlboss skin when it matters lol (or when I just feel like dressing up). Random people calling me cute won’t affect my life in any way - usually it's just annoying.

If a stranger says it, I either ignore them or stare silently with a faint smile. They instantly look like they think they've done something wrong lol

[u/lunarie_ → u/lunarie_]

One crucial thing I forgot to mention - being perceived as 'cute' can attract predators, but we can actually weaponize that. Our brains are great at detecting patterns, and people who assume we're easy targets tend to follow predictable scripts. Their behavior gives them away, making it clear exactly who we should avoid.

[u/FigBitter4826]

Just enjoy your pretty privilege. It's way worse being ugly believe me.

[u/Okayish_Onion]

I am a short baby baby-faced female who loves cute colorful clothing and has a soft and rather childish voice. I also hate wearing pants and long skirts because they don't feel right. I get treated like a child quite often which I hate. I could dress in more "adult-like" clothing but I don't want to. It is quite a dilemma because I know that perhaps I could get treated more like an adult if I tried to appear like one but even then, I think I would be seen as quirky because of my overall traits. On the other hand, people will assume regardless, so at least I can enjoy my pleated skirts and not feel like I am trapped in jeans.

[u/AmorphousTardigrade]

I wouldn't say I'm conventionally attractive, but the majority of men who have pursued me were much older than me and it definitely felt like they viewed me as "legal jailbait".  I looked really young throughout my 20s & even had braces for 10+ years, dating felt impossible because people my age weren't interested and those who were, were much older and gave off pedo vibes.  I also found it so difficult to command any sort of respect in the workplace.  Even though I'm outwardly masculine, I worked in a very male dominated industry where I was viewed as a teen girl instead of someone in their late 20s and often treated me as such.  It's the main reason I prefer to dress in an "intimidating" way, lots of spikes, black clothing, and techwear.  I'd rather be feared and avoided than infantilized, esp since my apartment is full of toys, stuffed animals, bright colors, etc.  I also have a baby face and tbh one of the big reasons I continue to mask (like with an kn95) is so people can't see my face.  I hate having to walk this tightrope of how people perceive me.

[u/DragonBitsRedux]

60m ASD/ADHD

I feel for you.

It's not just women.

I apparently come across as "beige" ... Very basic, easy to ignore, not likely to be interested in doing things, etc.

And when I open my mouth and defy stereotype, I'll often get The Look. "Explain why you don't meet my expectations!"

Ugh.

Be gentle with yourself and in your case I also suggest being strong. A sense of self has to be built up and it takes practice and persistence to not let others knock your off your firm ground.

The good news is you'll get better at it. People won't treat you differently, it's more about when to choose to push past it, ignoring their perceptions and asserting your will and when to just smile politely and walk the eff away.

My hardest lesson is realizing I'm not likely to change anyone's perception or how they treat me. Sometimes, I can earn respect over time. Other times the ego and insecurities of others are insurmountable. (I found that people in authority are impervious to reason even down to illegal vs legal issues. How messed up!)

That said, I'm a tough old 60 year old dude and I still struggle with this and wallow in disappointment and despair at how hard it is to be seen and respected for who I am.

Be well. You are not alone.

[u/TurnLooseTheKitties]

A large part of confidence comes from not caring what one thinks other people might think

One can rock anything with confidence.

[u/Queen_0f_Crows]

Ugh I feel you. Unfortunately/fortunately I look 18-20 to most people when I'm actually 27, so I often get treated like a teenager by people who don't know me or don't know me very well. Honestly I even feel like my parents forget how old I am sometimes lol

Unfortunately for anyone, people are great at making assumptions and treating people based on those assumptions. It will get better as you get older and even the way you dress can affect it for better or worse

[u/Saint82scarlet]

Try not being conventionally pretty. They just think you are simple, and talk down to you constantly. I'd rather be pretty and seen as cute and quirky, than have people bully me because I'm overweight and "weird" Sometimes you have to pick your battles.

[u/AdorableStrawberry93]

"Always remember Tutor, be what you is, not what you isn't"

[u/ReserveMedium7214]

53M, I’ve been fat my whole life, and the one thing I’ve always wanted is for someone (or multiple someones) to actually view me as attractive and tell me so. It’s literally (and I mean “literally” literally) never happened. I’ve been married twice, and even neither of my exes ever told me I was attractive to them. I know it’s my own fault for not doing much of anything to improve myself. Well, when I have tried it never lasted more than a few months. In 2004 I lost 110# in 6 months, but put it all back on in the following six months. I may live my whole life without anyone finding me legitimately attractive, and not just saying it out of pity or politeness. It only makes it worse if people do that (which they don’t even ever really do). As a result, I’ve never had any self-esteem or self-confidence. I’m painfully shy and actually intimidated by attractive people, especially women. I assume all women think I’m a creep the moment they see me because I’m not worthy to even look at them. As you can imagine, social media is a total mindf**k for me. It messes with my head so bad. I wish I could say that some of this is perhaps exaggeration, but if anything I’m understating my feelings. I’m by no means trying to invalidate your position, I absolutely get it and my heart goes out to you. I just wanted to put this out in the universe, and it’s not something I like talking about irl.

[u/MeatComputer123]

so you have pretty privilege (you can be your quirky self and in your own words, it's seen as cute instead of cringe or annoying), and instead of being grateful you complain that *not enough* people see you for the strong and resilient person that you (supposedly) are.

people are generally very adaptive and perceptive of someone's personality and level of seriousness they seem to want, so, even if strangers treat you as cutesy for shallow reasons, if your friends and acquaintances do as well, you're probably acting more cutesy/childish/etc than you think.

[u/MeatComputer123 → u/[deleted]]

ok lol good luck in life