r/blackcats • u/ErwinHeisenberg • Jun 19 '24
Mourning My wife left me suddenly last week and took him. I’m never going to see him again
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u/briarvarjas Jun 19 '24
Oh no, I'm so sorry. 🖤 i hope your suffering is as small as possible, and i hope your remaining compainion and you have as joyful a future as possible.
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u/ErwinHeisenberg Jun 19 '24
That may be the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard from a stranger
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u/briarvarjas Jun 19 '24
I've been through a divorce myself, and i know it's tough. It's the least we can do for one another to be kind, i think.
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u/jinxlover13 Jun 19 '24
You can ask for visitation in the divorce; animal custody/visitation has gotten very common in the legal world. I didn’t know it was a thing until I became a mediator a decade ago, but I’ve had several cases where the custody of the kid was simple… and the parties argued over visitation of the pets.
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u/ErwinHeisenberg Jun 19 '24
I’ve asked my lawyer about that, actually. In my state, pets are considered like chattel. It’s not a thing
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u/jinxlover13 Jun 19 '24
Unfortunately, in most states animals are treated as chattel. It’s slowly changing but you’re absolutely correct that they’re treated as property by the court. That’s where mediation is so helpful- you don’t have to follow standard court divisions if you mediate instead of litigate. After you reach a mediated agreement, it can be incorporated into your divorce decree and will be treated as a binding judgement so it’s a great way to tailor the system to fit your needs.
Often the non custodial party will offer to split vet bills for the pet in consideration for visitation and that entices the custodial pawrent to cooperate. I’ve facilitated several mediations where the pets follow the child’s visitation schedule, which is also helpful for the child. In fact, that’s what we did in my own divorce- my ex was bonded to our two dogs so when my daughter goes to him for visitation, the dogs follow. My daughter has anxiety so having her pets with her helps with the transition. Our cats are much better judges of character than the dogs so they never bonded with my ex, but he does visit with them when he comes over to get our daughter. My ex pays for 1/2 the vet bills of the pets that were in existence at the time of marital dissolution; however, this isn’t in the decree because I didn’t want him having/feeling like he has a say in their medical care. (He has always balked at wellness exams, and feels that if euthanasia is cheaper than treatment it should be the chosen route) He offered to share vet bills when we were mediating and so far has kept that promise.
If you and your former wife are able to be civil with one another, mediation is a nice option to have. I vastly prefer it over court battles because everyone loses something when you go to court; mediation allows for both parties to come away with wins.
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u/ErwinHeisenberg Jun 19 '24
We’re going to be decoupling with our therapist as mediation. Maybe we can work something out that way. The divorce is just a formality as far as I’m concerned. She’s already gone.
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u/No-Lime-6722 Jun 19 '24
Same happened to me and to not to see my ex who was a violent husband I had to just give up visitation and all. He took them from the house on purpose to have me reach out and beg. I had to be insanely strong to not look back. 🖤🐾
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u/CosgroveIsHereToHelp Jun 19 '24
Same. Mine was emotionally abusive rather than physically abusive but otherwise, same.
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u/EssentialWorkerOnO Jun 19 '24
Is your name on the vet bill? If so, he’s your “property” and she can’t just take him. You might need to give your lawyer a kick in the ass so he knows this is important to you.
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u/ErwinHeisenberg Jun 19 '24
Her name is on the bills. If I fight this, I’ll also lose Mabel. I’m not going to risk that.
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Jun 19 '24
98% of the population is ok with the torture and murder of animals so that's not surprising
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u/ErwinHeisenberg Jun 19 '24
It’s not that malicious in this case. State codes are just slow to update.
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u/pizzacatbrat Jun 19 '24
My heart hurts for you. I stayed in an abusive relationship for a long time because he was threatening to take one of the cats. He did, and I miss my sweet boy Avery every day. Plus, he was bonded to my cat Iris, and she waited by the door for days for her brother to come home, and had never bonded with another cat 😭
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u/roxor333 Jun 19 '24
I fear the things I would do in that situation. Sorry that happened to you.💔
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u/pizzacatbrat Jun 19 '24
If I had been able to find out where he took my baby, my friends and I would definitely have tried convincing him to let me have him back.
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u/Zed Jun 19 '24
I'm sorry. I still sometimes feel grief over the black cat I left behind in a divorce whom I'll never see again.
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u/BeagleMom2008 Jun 19 '24
He looks like my Raven. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now. My heart goes out to you.
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u/SageofRosemaryThyme Jun 19 '24
Sorry for everything you're going through right now. He's such a pretty cat.
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u/BMGriff Jun 19 '24
So sorry to hear mate and especially more since both my cats are almost identical to yours and I can't think of life without my midnight maniac.
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u/Asylee Jun 19 '24
I’m so sorry. My ex did this with two of our cats. It broke my heart. I hope you and your other kitty have long beautiful lives. ❤️
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u/No-Lime-6722 Jun 19 '24
I have been through that. Mine were two pugs that the strangest husband with a restraining order, went into the house while I was out grocery shopping. I parked my truck in the driveway and turned off the engine and silence. Didn’t hear them barking festively for me as my welcome back home. That was more than ten years ago. I never saw them again.
I guess what matters is that they knew you loved them. You can feel them still and send them love. I am so sorry this happened to you. And even with a Court System and Police pet ownership is a hard one to win even when they have a Pedigree in your name. It’s rough.
Stay strong and I will tell you, avoid looking at pets online that look just like the one you lost bc it’s painful. Take a break to your own good. Sending love & faithfulness 🖤🐾😓🙏🏻
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u/Exact-Bar-3518 Jun 19 '24
Shit like this breaks my heart. Why are we so cruel to one another? I'm so sorry for you and the precious kitties. 😭
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u/WynnGwynn Jun 19 '24
We literally don't know what happened. Maybe it would be cruel to make her stay.
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u/Exact-Bar-3518 Jun 19 '24
I posted this before OP said his wife was the cat's primary. I just meant it was cruel to separate animals from each other and humans. I wasn't making any assumptions about the relationship. Sorry if my comment came across that way.
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u/TatlTael131 Jun 19 '24
Me and my husband recently divorced after 11 years together. We had 4 cats that we had had for around 9 years. I took two and he took two and it was hard. I feel your pain, but it does get better I promise.
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u/ErwinHeisenberg Jun 19 '24
This is where I wish Reddit had the same “like” options as Facebook. An upvote doesn’t do my feelings justice. So take this heart emoji ❤️
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u/TatlTael131 Jun 19 '24
Thank you 💜 I know how helpful it was for me to have friends that had been through something similar and to see where I would be when I got to the point they were at. So I’m you in 6 months and things are finally starting to feel better.
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u/EasyBounce Jun 19 '24
Man...that's the worst thing about a breakup I swear. I miss lost cats more than I miss exes.
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u/Katerinaxoxo Jun 19 '24
Sorry to hear that. When my ex left he literally took a duffel bag of clothes and never came back. I have the cats (was fostering & trying to adopt out) but it was quite the adjustment.
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u/ErwinHeisenberg Jun 19 '24
My parents helped me deep clean and sage the unit, removing most traces of her. But fuck, I miss that cat
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u/Sgt_Smiley Jun 19 '24
I’m sorry, friend. I feel your pain. If I said “it gets better one day”, I would at least be mostly correct.
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u/ChefJWeezy987 Jun 19 '24
Go and get a little void kitten. It will still hurt, but significantly less so.
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u/Onyxxx85 Jun 19 '24
Even though this sad there is zero context why did she just up and leave you. I am sorry but more time there are clean signs and people want to ignore until someone has enough and decides to part ways.
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u/GhettoFoot Jun 19 '24
Agreed. I’m sad for the cats but when ppl are going through a divorce/breakup and post about it online, very rarely are they telling the whole story.
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u/tecvoid Jun 19 '24
behold Jack Wick, his void is missing.
time to break out your special skills.
seriously tho, thats messed up, split the cat and human family up like that. take care of each other. maybe you guys can figure something out.
good luck
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u/WoodenPhysics5292 Jun 19 '24
Uff, I left my ex boyfriend because he was becoming abusive.
I took all 3 cats with me, I had 2 when we met and we got the third together, but I could not imagine breaking them apart.
Why did she decide to take only one?
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u/Leakytophat Jun 19 '24
Isn’t this potentially bad for the cats to be separated once bonded? I believe it can cause depression :/
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u/poptart1968 Jun 19 '24
Can you not get visitation rights. I hope that doesn't sound silly.
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u/Squadooch Jun 20 '24
A good friend of mine had joint custody of his dog with an ex for years until the pup passed in old age!
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u/poptart1968 Jun 20 '24
If it was me and I loved my cat then that's what I'd do. That said,with dogs it's easier. They are more adaptable. Cats I'm not sure about
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u/Squadooch Jun 20 '24
Fair point, depends cat to cat, too.
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u/poptart1968 Jun 20 '24
I only know my heart would be broken . I also feel for the cats. I'm sure they both had a bond. That's cruel,to separate these two cans is a horrible thing to do.
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u/CoItron_3030 Jun 19 '24
This literally happened to me 2 months ago. It really sucks :( I’m super sorry
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u/Taco_Del_Grande Jun 19 '24
* I lost contact with my two little buddies after 8 years due to a breakup. Losing the cats was the hardest part of the breakup as I quickly realized life was better without the girl. I still mist the cats almost two years later, but I know they are well taken care of. The day that I moved into my new place, a stray cat showed up at my door, and he has been mine ever since. Life moves on. You will be ok
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u/HadesMcFisher2023 Jun 19 '24
I'm upvoting because of the voidlets but very saddened because the"other hooman" left y'all in the dust.
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u/anti_anti-hero Jun 19 '24
This is absolutely heart-rending. I am so sorry. You and your poor kitty Mabel!
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u/temps-de-gris Jun 19 '24
Do you know why she left or whether she is planning to stay local? Sorry if this gets too personal, but it could lead to a way to get the cat back.
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u/copyrightgrapher_YT Jun 19 '24
I may not be in your situation where someone left me but i went through being separated from a cat basically a best friend, when my sister moved out with her cat i was sad for a while and than things got better, again i may not have gone through the same thing but ik you will be strong and go through it and that noone should go through what you went through. Trust me, once you hit the bottom, there is no where to go but the top.
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u/pnwsnosrap Jun 19 '24
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!!!!! Take a ride down to your local Humane Society and check out how many kittens are looking for that forever home!!!
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u/ErwinHeisenberg Jun 19 '24
As soon as I can afford it, and as soon as I can assess how well Mabel is adjusting. We actually got her because Moby needed a second cat after our first passed away. But Mabel may just need me to actively play with her more. I just got out her favorite chaser toy and it’s giving her the zoomies
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u/HOWYDEWET Jun 19 '24
Sorry about your wife. Grab mother void and give it some love it needs. Use this as motivation To love yourself and others more. Workout (if you don’t) and live life.
But for the first week cry your ass off and eat pizza.
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u/Anniethesnowleopard Jun 19 '24
I'm sorry OP! That's so so sad :((( giving both you and the other kitty a hug. You can do it! supporting each other 💔
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u/_Lisztomaniac_ Jun 19 '24
So sorry to hear this. I like your Phillies ballpark ice-cream cup though 💗 those things are the best
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u/Kai_Emery Jun 19 '24
Hey OP, I went through a really abrupt breakup and he made me split up our cats. It was gutting. I’m so sorry. I was eventually able to get closure and adopt another companion for my void. I still miss her 6 years later. My remaining cat is my ride or die. We’ve been through it.
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u/squirrelshine Jun 19 '24
This happened to me. It’s a trauma i am never going to get over. I am sorry this is your reality
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u/American36 Jun 20 '24
That's sad. It's tough to have a split and to lose animals you love on top of it. Sorry.
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u/alex61821 Jun 20 '24
It's better than what I had to witness 30 years ago. Guy lost his dog in the divorce. She only wanted to punish him since he loved the dog so much, she took it from him. He had to deliver it to the airport so she could put it down as soon as she got it. This guy was all kinda broken up and just asked for some extra time to roll and play in the grass with his dog some more. We offered to lose the dog in the flight but he said she would stop at nothing to get her hands on it. These poor dog was just as happy as could be to going on a big adventure.
Man I can't believe how cruel someone can be to someone in theory they were in love with at some point. I can still picture the guy and the dog after all this time.
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u/Squadooch Jun 20 '24
Calling bs. No veterinarian would agree to do that.
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u/alex61821 Jun 20 '24
I don't know what happened after we loaded it on the plane but the way he talked about her she would find a way or do it herself.
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u/AnastasiaDelicious Jun 22 '24
I would have “lost” his dog anyway. And then stuffed her in the crate and sent her somewhere that’s really hot and no one speaks any English. 🤬
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u/AnastasiaDelicious Jun 22 '24
Yes they do. Not all, but some. Usually the vet will ask if they’d be willing to surrender it to them and find it a home but they also know the owner will just take it somewhere else when they say no. And all the ex had to do was tell them they bit a kid or some other story. I’m guessing if she’d put a healthy and loved animal down for spite, lying wouldn’t be difficult for her. What a monster. 😔
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u/Excellent-Peanut-183 Jun 20 '24
I know exactly how you’re feeling - well, almost. I separated from my wife years ago, and I was living in the townhouse we’d shared while she still had a key, before she’d gotten all her stuff out. She came one day while I was at work and took our cat. She’d said she wanted to, which I hadn’t really agreed to yet, but didn’t say when she was planning to do it at all. I came home and Kitty was just gone. I was so upset, I was pretty much inconsolable. Nothing about the breakup hurt nearly as bad as losing the cat.
One good thing did come out of it though, you could say. I adopted two kittens, brothers from the same litter, a month or so later. They became my absolute best buddies. I just lost the first of them a little over a month ago, at age 17 1/2. His brother is still with me, old and kinda frail but all in all not doing too bad. I hope, when you’re ready, you get a new cat (or two), and love the crap out of them.
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u/Due-Culture9113 Jun 20 '24
Liam Neeson has a really provocative documentary on what to do in such a situation. I believe it’s called Taken, but I’m unsure of how it’s pronounced
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u/KittyTootsies Jun 19 '24
Well if she wants a divorce, have a lawyer draft terms with her that state joint custody. My exhusband and I's divorce papers have a section about cat custody terms
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u/JerrySny33 Jun 19 '24
I feel your pain! When I broke up with my GF she insisted on taking our brother cats that we got as kittens. I was more heartbroken about losing my cats than the 4 year relationship. I still miss them. Stay strong!
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Jun 19 '24
Not at the same level, but when I broke up with an ex-gf, she used her dog (which we both loved dearly) to get at me and restricted access at will.
Eventually we mellowed and she realized that the dog would want to see me more often, so I got to have it one day each week. It was nice.
Maybe you'll re-establish normal relations and get to visit the cat too. Never say never.
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u/dontsummondemons Jun 19 '24
what a beautiful boy 😭 I’m hoping for a brighter future in which your boy & Mable may be able to meet for kitty play dates ☹️ I’m so sorry, this sucks so bad
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u/k_bence16 Jun 19 '24
Im sorry that this happened to you. I hope you’ll recover from this somehow. Cruel thing to do both towards the animal and you.
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u/ckh69 Jun 19 '24
I am so very sorry for your loss. For your furry friend, I don’t know how old he is, but you might consider a friend for him of similar age.
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u/thewaitingone13 Jun 19 '24
I'm sorry you're having to go through that. Not taking away anything from you or trying to diminish what happened... but my beloved black cat just disappeared one day last week. I have no clue what happened to him. So I completely understand, and I also will probably never see mine again. I do hope you get to see your baby again, at least one more time. Good luck.
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u/nikfrik Jun 19 '24
In Spain you can demand joined custody like with a child. Can't you do that? He will miss you.
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Jun 19 '24
The same thing happened when my ex and I separated some years back. I think about him sometimes. His name was Lucifer. 🖤🐈⬛
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u/coolairpods Jun 19 '24
I wish there was more I can say, but i am genuinely from the bottom of my heart so so so sorry. That is awful. I wish you nothing but the best but I am gutted for you.
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u/Tracyvxo Jun 19 '24
I’m sorry this happened 💖My attorney told me to steal my pets ashes when my ex wouldn’t give those to me. Just saying!
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u/Long_Dragonfruit8155 Jun 19 '24
Oof, separations/divorces are especially hard when there are pets involved. Even if we technically do not always officially own all of them, they were family still.
I am sorry for the fact that you wont see one of ypur furry friend. Though i am glad you still have one of your furry children. May you spend so many lovely years together.
Maybe try and get a new furry friend when you feel ready and if you feel like ypur remaining cat needs a friend.
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u/SaltMarshGoblin Jun 19 '24
I'm so sorry for you, and for Mabel, and for that gorgeous void kitty boy.
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u/LilBlueOnk Jun 20 '24
I'm so sorry, I wish that she at least asked if she could take one with her before doing so.
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u/Fluffy_Foundation_52 Jun 20 '24
Hope you’re doing good man. Nothing can fill the void but you will always focus 100% on the kitty you have. Get him a friend when you can 👍🐱
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u/natalieleahh Jun 20 '24
Ohhh man you got two backup at once.. Thats so sad for you... Maybe she is missing you more then you do
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u/AnastasiaDelicious Jun 22 '24
Steal my cat and I’ll help your parents look for your body. I’m so sorry she took him like that. Maybe in time you can work out seeing him again. 💕🐾🐈⬛🐾💕
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u/After_Combination365 Jun 23 '24
I don’t know if to like or unlike this post! But let me know if you need someone to beat her up! I have a few years of rage pent up!
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u/GhettoFoot Jun 19 '24
I’m sad for the cats but when ppl are going through a divorce/breakup and post about it online, very rarely are they telling the whole story.
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u/Opposite_Course_3954 Jun 19 '24
so not only is she bringing the cat to unknown places, she is separating him from the other cat as well.
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u/1stLtObvious Jun 19 '24
Sue her for custody of the other cat. Do it from the standpoint of the wellbeing of both cats, and point out how she didn't consider that.
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u/dryandice Jun 19 '24
Nah don’t let this slide. Fight for your little homie. He will think you abandoned him if you don’t.
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u/bloodwolfgurl Jun 19 '24
Why are you getting so many thumbs down?
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u/laserdollars420 Jun 19 '24
Because based on the comments OP's wife is the cat's primary person and he seems to have acknowledged that this arrangement is seemingly the best for everyone.
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u/bloodwolfgurl Jun 19 '24
Okay, fair enough, but then why did I get thumbed down for asking a question? Lol
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u/Maduin1986 Jun 19 '24
Get on her ass and get your cat back. She cant just take an animal with her, she leaves without note, she forfeits her animal rights!
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u/SuzyQnl Jun 19 '24
You could still see him ( if you truly live him) if you act and behave like an adult and don’t fight with her. Why do children and pets always have to be the victims here!!!
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u/Kat-a-strophy Jun 19 '24
I suppose she left You the other one? That was very cruel towards You and both cats. I'm sorry this happened to You.