Mother buying things for me without asking and asking me to pay

[u/-bdsCurve318]

Okay. So I'm really frustrated at this habit my mother is showing for the third time now. She goes shopping for her own things and compulsively shops things for me that I didn't even ask for, then tells me to pay for them because 'the money she used is not hers'. I just started a tutoring gig, and I have two students, where I get approximately 17 dollars a week in total.

And she goes out and brings half a dozen of this expensive soap, which I rarely use since it whitens my skin if I use it too much. Then today she bought me 10 jeans, saying she felt like if she didn't buy them today she wouldn't ever get them again. Which is my almost two weeks' salary.

And she knows I'm saving to repair my phone as it's a bit expensive, among many other things. But she's always finding a way to slow me down. Am I wrong at being infuriated and frustrated?

Edit: She's telling me to ask for the money from my dad or brother or from anywhere and return her money, and I should be grateful as it's difficult to get jeans my size. Trust me, I have enough of them.

Edit 2: 😅Some people are confused about the tuition fees I'm charging and the cost of the jeans. I live in Tanzania, and 1 dollar equals 2690 Tanzanian shillings. So yeah, I can't really charge 20 dollars (53800tshs) per week as no one would pay that much for a side tutor. Of course, the prices of other things remain the same and I have to manage. To repair my phone I need 300,000tshs which is the same as 111 dollars. So... yeah. Tough luck out here

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[u/Relevant-Alarm-8716]

No is a complete sentence. She's can take it back. 

[u/-bdsCurve318 → u/Relevant-Alarm-8716]

Right? I wish. She can't return it though as she just bought them at a mobile stall and she won't even see the vendor next time she goes. And she's super narcissistic and will start acting like I'm the most ungrateful human ever.

[u/Relevant-Alarm-8716 → u/-bdsCurve318]

Well. Is she loses the money, maybe she'll learn a lesson. You can't keep doing this

[u/Delinquentbyassoc → u/Relevant-Alarm-8716]

Exactly this

[u/midnight-queen29 → u/-bdsCurve318]

you have to NOT pay her. no matter what’s she says or demands or cries for.

[u/Vanguard-Raven → u/-bdsCurve318]

Tell her you will not pay her for things you didn't ask for.

[u/Runaway_Angel → u/-bdsCurve318]

Honestly saying No is what you need to do. It might suck at first but no. Tell her no. If you want her to buy you something you will ask her, if you need something you will buy it yourself. She cannot spend your money for you anymore than you can spend hers for her. If she buys you something without asking first you will assume it is a gift and not something you owe her money for.

[u/R34LEGND → u/-bdsCurve318]

It may be hard now, but you need to set a boundary, and stick to it. Tell her you will not be paying for it, and she will have to deal with the repercussions herself. You can buy your own stuff and you do not have any need for her to be buying things for you without your consent or approval.

[u/EnvironmentNo1879 → u/-bdsCurve318]

Tough shit. Don't pay. Tell her to stop, and you will not be paying her back. Stand your ground on this one.

Who's money is she using? Sounds like a ploy to make a few extra bucks...

Someone else said "no" is a complete sentence. Say no and walk away.

Start making moves to get outta there

[u/EstherVCA → u/-bdsCurve318]

That isn’t your problem though. She’s the adult who spent money she doesn’t have to buy ten pairs of jeans. She'll have to figure out how to solve it.

And when she makes a stink about it, just be a broken record. "I can’t afford it."

Who tf needs ten pairs of jeans?? Smh

[u/C_Hawk14 → u/-bdsCurve318]

Tell her to ask for the money from your dad or brother or from anywhere 

[u/PansophicNostradamus]

“I did not ask for this. Please return it. If you don’t have the receipt, that’s not my problem.”

As you give her the items back.

[u/BackItUpWithLinks]

So don’t accept the items

And don’t pay her for anything

This is not a difficult one to solve

[u/Vanguard-Raven]

The best thing you can do for yourself is simply not accept the items and tell her to send them back. Especially the jeans.

"I don't have the receipts" - physically dump them in her hands and tell her to go home. I wouldn't tolerate that level of disregard and disrespect and I'd be telling her to sort her shit out.

[u/-bdsCurve318 → u/Vanguard-Raven]

😮‍💨😕I live with her and my dad, though. She's gonna act like I'm the most ungrateful person ever and twist that story for the whole neighbourhood.

I can't even move out as I'm barely making enough for anything. Just finished uni last year and I'm as jobless as I can be.

[u/Vanguard-Raven → u/-bdsCurve318]

I assumed you were living alone and not with her. 

The best you can do is tell her to return the items. At the end of the day, fuck what others think. If you can't afford it, you make that clear to your mother and tell her to send that shit back because you're not going to pay her shit for something you didn't want or ask for. 

You need to grow yourself a backbone in this situation.

[u/BackItUpWithLinks → u/-bdsCurve318]

She’s gonna act like I’m the most ungrateful person

Because she spent your money without you wanting the items?

[u/Prestigious_Dot_3658 → u/-bdsCurve318]

And what does your dad think?

[u/Budget_University_56 → u/-bdsCurve318]

Then she shouldn’t assume you have the ability to hand her money you don’t have.

[u/aidanmacgregor → u/-bdsCurve318]

Fuck how she acts, make it clear behavior like this leads to kids fucking off their parents and going NC, it's controlling abusive behavior!

[u/LegitimateNet1294]

Tell her to return them

[u/Ok-Personality-6630]

It's simple really. Don't let other people spend your money. My mother in law tried the same but she's never succeeded and she soon stopped trying.

[u/Vyraal]

Why are you agreeing to take the items And pay her? Just say no. Say no like its drugs. It's Her business she's a shopaholic

[u/Morecatspls_]

Your mother is using a credit card to turn her purchases for you into cash, when you pay her.

Has your dad restricted her ability to get money/cash, because she's spending too much? This could be the way to get her hands on cash, that she doesn't have to account for.

I'd give her a big nah-ah. Or tell her you'll write her a check, just to see how she responds. You don't have to actually have paper checks. Just the threat, I'll bet, will get quite a veto from her.

If you just don't want to deal, tell her if you want something, you'll order it. This is a her problem.

[u/SATerp]

You've got to get her away from any access to your money, and tell her in no uncertain terms that you do not want her buying you things, and then trying to get you to pay for them. That's just insane.

[u/lesqueebeee]

be like "wow thanks mom this is such a great gift! oh its not a gift? i need to PAY you? no sorry i cant do that i have no money, you can just keep them instead"

[u/SwordNamedKindness_]

Dude tell her to return it

[u/EstherVCA]

You know this about her now, so just start saying "no thank you".

"No thank you, mum. I appreciate the thought, but I don’t need jeans right now."

"But I already bought them."

"Then either return them or gift them to someone else. I can’t afford them."

Learning to advocate for yourself isn’t easy, but it’s an important skill.

[u/Paxuz01]

If she buys you something for 40 dollars tell her that you can only accept it for 20 and the receipt,

Then return the item.

[u/66NickS]

Thank her for the GIFTS, since a reasonable person wouldn’t buy things for someone else without checking in with them.

Petty me would “buy” things for her and then demand she pay me for them.

[u/grtsqu]

Buy something for her that she doesn’t need then demand she pay…

[u/niemand112233]

10 jeans for 34 $? WTF?

[u/Ident-Code_854-LQ]

Wow, that’s so toxic behavior.
It’s displacement
or jealousy of some sort.
She’s inadvertently trying
to sabotage your independence.
You need to get your Dad,
and other family members,
to be on your side,
and confront her,
intervention style.
She needs to be called out
for these excessive actions
or she won’t stop,
unless YOU give up.

[u/Illywiydamilly]

First of all why are you tutoring for 8.50 a person a week? That’s ridiculous you should be charging way more

[u/-bdsCurve318 → u/Illywiydamilly]

That's around 23,000 tshs if both my students paid the same. My primary school student pays 20,000/= a week, and my secondary school student pays 30,000/= a week. Which is the rate at which tutors are paid here