Having a tough time.

[u/TheKyatanna1419]

I am reaching a breaking point i think. My emotional dysregulation is becoming overwhelming and starting to affect my job. I can no longer mask but that is what everyone wants. I am never given a respite as i live with my sister and her family to help support them financially and it means i never get a break. I prefer solitude because i can recharge but i have gone 2 years now with very little alone time and i have hit my limit. And this has to go on until next may and i don't know if i will make it.

There is always noise and chaos so i am constantly overstimulated, constantly drama and fighting, though that is less than it was now that 2 members have stopped drinking. There was a clear set of rules and expectations when this started but that is out the window now and i never know where i stand or what is expected and it changes constantly.

It feels like it did when i was a teenager. Be normal. Stop being wierd. Calm down. You're so dramatic. Why can't you just stop? Why can't you be normal? I loathe the word normal.

Being told to mask by my sister was such a betrayal especially when i told her that i have a hard time masking now ( which i do mostly for work) and i do not want to anymore. I feel like she just wants me around to be useful and not for me. It takes a village but that is not actually what you want. I have expressed how i feel and sometimes blown up from bottling and nothing changes. I am expected to be the one that changes and masks and controls myself.

Fucking how? How do i stop being me? How do i control something i have never been able to my whole life? You have the ability to control yourself, you just have to try harder.

No i have to do all of that for work and home is where i should be free, but i am not. Because then i am an asshole. I know and accept that. And now i cannot even mask at work because it is 24/7 and my battery is dead and not recharging.

I am about to tip and it is fucking scary cuz i can see it coming. I just want to be alone. I can feel depression coming and i have kept myself off meds for 3 years now and don't want to go back. I want to scream and cry and just enjoy my job again. I feel lost and more abnormal than i ever have. I should go to therapy but never remember to set up the appointment or find someone my insurance covers. I do not want to end up in the hospital again, but i do not know where to go from here.

I just want to be me, be accepted for me, but it seems like that will never happen.

[u/No_Organization_3311]

You said it yourself dude, you’re living with them to support them. Support is something that you give, it’s a gift - it isn’t something to be taken for granted.

It’s also something you can only give if you

a) want to; and b) are able to.

If you’re pushed past your breaking point and you can’t support yourself, you can’t offer them any support either. You need to look after yourself first, and consider yourself first - that’s not selfish, it’s just practical reality.

If you’re in a position to look for a place of your own, I’d suggest doing it. It’s okay if you need to step back from helping out your sister - you’re not responsible for her, and her financial position isn’t your burden.