Hello. Struggling to decide if I am wrong here or not. Here is the story:

My son is 19 months old and has, in my opinion, been showing early subtle signs of possible autism for a while now and they are gradually getting more and more clear. I myself am autistic so I feel as if I notice these subtleties easier than someone who is not. He had an 18 month check-up with his doctor and a nurse practitioner, who both agreed after my explanation that he very well could have autism. He is also behind on developmental milestones for his age. They referred him to a developmental interventionalist to get an assessment for his development and for autism, this is where the problem begins.

My FMIL works as a developmental interventionalist and has for 30 years. She used to work in this particular location I was referred to but now works in a different one, but she still sometimes works in this office (that matters). I was already going to say something during the assessment, which is booked for next week, to say I do not want her to have any involvement in this case whatsoever, including being able to read his file. However, this past week I found out she already accessed his file, read it, and then called my fiance to tell him what it said for what they are coming for. She claims that she is allowed to access any case file she wants at any time, even if she did not personally work that case herself.

I reached out to the person actually doing my son's case and I stated that I know she has accessed and read his file and I feel that was a huge overstep in boundaries, especially because she is his grandmother, and I would like his file restricted from her moving forward, if possible.

They called me after my email and apologized, they even told me they had absolutely no idea she could access files like that and said she doesn't even work in that office so it was unnecessary for her to access it and read it. They let me know they don't want to cause conflict in my home/family life so they will just look into if they can restrict the file from her and move on.

Now FH is telling me that I need to call FMIL and tell her what I have done and apologize because he believes I just ruined her retirement and career (she is set to retire in a few months) and says now everyone will hate me in our small town for what I did to her. He believes I should have told her before going to them that I was going to do this if she read the file again, however I believe she would have still read his file and just not said anything to us moving forward. I also do not really understand how I am in the wrong for asking them to restrict her when she is the one who somehow accessed his file and read it when she knew she wasn't supposed to as it's a confidentiality breech. So, to me, if she gets repercussions it's due to her own actions? Perhaps I should have asked her first not to do it, but also perhaps she shouldn't go snooping into confidential folders.

So, please tell me...am I in the wrong here? fully? partly?

I'd also like to add that she is strongly against my son having autism and denies any signs that he has. I simply want him to have a fair assessment and not have it swayed by her telling her coworkers her strong opinions against him having it. I want a fair, unbiased assessment and I feel if she can access and read his file then she can read any notes they have and potentially sway their opinions or concerns if they have any.

TL;DR my fiance's mother accessed and read my son's file for a development and autism assessment and I asked them to restrict the file from her moving forward as it's a conflict of interest and I found out she wasn't supposed to access it and now she could be in trouble and fiance says I am the asshole because I potentially ruined her career and retirement.

I gave birth to my son a month ago. Beyond my MIL's mental breakdown over us (having no other option than) sending baby to daycare after a few months - because why don't I, the main breadwinner, just quit my education and job? I'm a woman, how dare I! - and her first reaction to seeing the baby on video call being to ask if I lied about my due date, instead of asking if me and our very obviously hospitalized preemie were okay... I am so incredibly annoyed.

She sent us a card. They live far away and I'm not unhappy they haven't visited yet, so you'd think a card is just a nice gesture. But. She sent us a card, three weeks post-birth, after seeing how many cards my friends and family had sent. Kinda performative, but I could've been okay with that... If only she hadn't just addressed it to my husband and son.

No mention of me. Not even my name on the envelope. Not even just "the x family". Nope. I was the incubator for her grandchild, and that's all that mattered to her. It's such a small thing but it honestly feels so gross, so deliberate, that I can't let it go. Ugh.

my in laws have always been controlling but can already tell the birth or their first grand child has put this in to overdrive. my wife is an only child so this is magnified even more so.

our son was born on tuesday and they have been horrible ever since. - get approved to go home from the hospital thursday, pulling up to my house with wife and son and my MIL is In the driveway filming our arrival. - soon as we walk in FIL starts holding the baby for hours on end - I ask if they have checked the diaper, they ask me to do it. FIL walks in as changing diaper and makes rude remark even though he has no clue what he’s doing. - keep telling me to go take a nap or go to the gym. kind gesture but it’s so obvious they tell me to do this so they can be with the baby the whole time - have come over everyday from noon until 8pm. hold the baby for hours on end but never change rhe diaper - MIL keeps telling me she can do everything as i’m about to do it. “i can clean the baby brezza why don’t you relax”. i responded sternly with “i need to know how to do this”. - MIL staring out loud “i bet you can’t wait until we are out of here tonight”

i’m just at my wits end and it’s ruining all the excitement i had being a first time father

- Obligatory do not share anywhere comment. -

Also - this is a long one. Tried to condense it as much as possible, but alas...

A few weeks ago, I made a post about how we decided to share my c-section date. So... here's a fun update.

After literal DAYS of conversation between my partner and I, and many, many drafts of what to say to his parents, I sent a group text between my husband, my parents-in-law, and myself. (Yes, maybe he should have sent, but I did and I wanted to and he didn't care one way or the other. Plus, in my head, I was DARING her to say something to me about what we collectively came up with as parents to our last child.)

I want to preface that when we told her my scheduled date, she was asking if my parents would be around to help since a c-section can be rough recovery wise, but that she is too old to be taking care of littles (a sentiment she told me last summer).

Y'all. My mother in law went NUCLEAR to my husband. She texted him separately (because, of course she did). Our personal visitation policy was that her and my FIL could come up the day after my c-section for a one hour visit (they live 4 hours away) and that we aren't having visitors post partum for a bit while we learn our new normal. In the text, we said that we completely understand if they can't make it and that we will plan something for this summer.

"Appreciate the one hour allowance your wife is giving us but since I've had a c-section and two children, I know how much bullshit this is." She went on to say how we haven't visited in 4 years and how travel is possible with kids because she did it and other parents have as well. "I don't think for a minute this is coming from you because that is not the person I raised, but not giving us respects tells a lot... if you ever want us to be a part of your life things need to change." (I'd like to mention, that yeah, we haven't been there in a couple years, it has definitely been less than 4... otherwise, we wouldn't have pictures of our oldest down there in my in-laws house.)

Y'all everything and every response that my MIL gave him, my husband had a comeback and shot her down. each. and. every. time!

"There was no insults or anything meant by it, but that's up to you guys. The offer was extended. I'm not understanding how it's a crazy ask if you've had kids before, birth is hard on both of us."

She goes on about how we can't use covid this time so c-section is a new excuse and how she had one with my husband so she is calling bullshit (again). and how she knows this is toward her, but how my FIL "does not deserve this shit being dished out" and then goes to say "I will always love you and be there if you need me."

Y'all. My husband's response?? (Let me add this - my husband and his sister are 11 years apart.)
"Not sure how having 3 kids back to back, almost ever year, holding down two jobs and a small business is hard to understand why travel isn't easy. You had kids and a c-section, but you didn't have 3 kids back to back. And it don't matter what other folk have done, it's how we've done it. If you think I've done any of that to slight you, that's your right to that opinion. But I haven't. There's nothing between hell and earth that would stop me from trying to see my grandkids, but once again that's your right." And then tells her, "I'm not an arguer. This is our last kid we are having. If that's what you want, that's okay."

She keeps trying to blame everything on me and he keeps shutting it down with facts. And it was hot. He explained that our kid can't be in the car for 45 minutes without getting car sick and vomiting all over himself. She mentioned something about my SIL, and he claps back that we have zero issues with her and her family, and they weren't even invited. He goes on to say that it's not a slight but a request to honor how hard this can be.

"If you wanted us involved, there would not be time limits. Seriously, you have to see it and I don't give a flying F about her parents limit when they can see them two hours later.....Maybe one day you'll look at our side and understand." He tells her that my parents have the same limit. He understands that my parents see our kids more often, but that's gonna happen when they live right down the street.

There is so much more, but everything she tried to say about us, about me, about this whole situation, he shut it right down.

Later on, his dad asked to talk to him. So they spoke on the phone. Want to know how that went? My FIL was upset, but he ASKED QUESTIONS. Even without my husband saying anything about my parents, my FIL mentioned that he knows that my parents are closer and that it's totally fine. But.. he asked questions! And at the end of the conversation? He said he fully respects our choice and will do whatever it is we asked.

In post nuclear war conversations with my husband, he even said that he's pretty sure that his relationship with his mom won't recover and it is what it is.

Regardless... we have no idea if they are coming. I told my husband that I hope they don't. But also... they can't just show up and surprise us. They have no idea which hospital we are delivering at (my hospital is part of a cluster of hospitals and 3 of them have L&D units) and they will have to ask us before just showing up. I hope my FIL shows up without my MIL, but I'm honestly okay if neither show up.

Long history with issues with my mil since I had babies. Decided petty fun revenge is my new hobby to her antics instead of getting mad.

She was bragging about her retiring the other day at dinner and all the travel shes gonna do and how young she will still be (66??) for all of this fun stuff. Was so boisterous and it was getting obnoxious quick to the whole table. Took it upon myself to sign her up for multiple senior living programs to receive brochures, phone calls and emails. Good way to spend her upcoming free time now! 🤣

my mother in law repotted with dense soil and overwatered my strawberry shake Philodendron and within 3 days its lost half its leaves and it looks so sickly. my husband said its no big deal he will just buy me a new one but i saved up for this plant and ive been growing it for almost 2 years. literally want to cry man.

To give a little back story to make this more clearer. My MIL does not like having a group chat with me, as she feels as if she’s “running” things by me. I’ve asked her to explain further so I understood where she was coming from just in case I was giving the wrong impression but she just said “I don’t know, I just don’t like it, I feel like they should just be for getting together”

Anyways, yesterday he went over without me because she only texted DH last weekend “I hope you can come next weekend to see me😍” only to him, and said “you”. Last time I went over there she argued with me for 5hrs and basically said I was going to be a bad mom. And group chats are for hangouts, right? Also, personally, if someone does not invite me directly I will not come nor do I want someone to ask “is OP invited” if I was wanted, I would get an invite.

To be real, if she invited me I would have contemplated heavy in the favor of going because it was technically to celebrate a holiday, if not a holiday I would have contemplated 0.

DH gets there and the first thing she asks is “where’s OP?” And DH said “well she had a SUPER fun time last time so I’m not sure why she didn’t want to come” and he said she didn’t understand the joke…. And then he said “you didn’t invite her, so she didn’t want to invite herself?” And she said “wow, so now I have to write her a hand written letter to come over” no lady, you quite literally left me out of the plans and never once even said to DH I was included and they weren’t in the GC, I’m not coming lol. He first lied to her and said that I had a doctors appt, and when her nosy ass asked what my doctors appt was for he said “I just made that up because it was easier than telling you she wasn’t coming” and she just said “Wooooooooow”

• She told him she was planning on moving within a year and that it shouldn’t be a problem because we wouldn’t let her see our (nonexistent) kids anyways. Which was not what we said, we said she would never babysit because she can’t follow rules. But hey, if she already thinks she can’t see them I might as well roll with that.

• She asked DH if he was happy being married to me and then gave him advice because she’s SO happy in her marriage (her husband has been living 8hrs from her for 5 months now)

• She also said that she has never done anything “bad” to me and doesn’t understand why I hate her. (I’ve never told her I hate her, but I def don’t like her). DH listed multiple things she has said to me and she said “besides those things, I haven’t done anything to her” (feel free to read past posts lol)

MIL sent DH home with food for “me” and I do love her cooking (just their culture food in general really), too bad it’s not made with love or it would probably taste better. Anyways, she wrote a post it that says “hope you can come next time” “miss you” “I made this dish just for you”.

I was going to send her a thank you text, because I am thankful BUT after those passive aggressive post it notes I feel like food comes with strings. (I don’t take “gifts” from her as they come with strings, even if it’s socks), and I still have never gotten an apology for the way she spoke to me last time or accountability… and she says it over and over again that she doesn’t know what she did and doesn’t believe she’s done anything wrong.. also, either she’s still trying to get to me because I don’t talk to her or she wants to make it look like to DH that she’s the “good guy” in all this because she sent “me” food

I didn’t even go to this visit and I’m annoyed.

I’m getting married soon and my MIL said she refuses to come to the wedding if her ex-husband (my fiancé’s dad) and his wife are invited. She’s not just bowing out quietly either, she’s threatening to sabotage the wedding if he comes by threatening to call all the invitees from her side of the family and make them boycott the wedding.

We’ve booked a beautiful 5,000+ sq ft venue for 150 guests. But now, it’s starting to feel like the day might be full of tension and drama, or worse, half empty.

My fiancé is fully on my side and knows his mom is being selfish. He’s even said she’s a narcissist, and he’s trying hard to shield me from the stress, but it still hurts.

Now we’re looking at a guest list that’s potentially cut in half, a massive venue that might feel too empty, and the emotional gut-punch of people choosing sides over something that should be about love and unity and more importantly, US!

I’m heartbroken. We don’t want to uninvite his dad just to appease her, but I’m also not sure how to emotionally navigate all this, or how to make the day still feel joyful and full.

TL;DR: MIL is threatening to sabotage our wedding if her ex (my fiancé’s dad) comes. She’s trying to get her whole side of the family to boycott. Now half our guest list might not show up, and I’m heartbroken that our wedding might be filled with tension and empty seats instead of love and support.

My MIL loooooves to push my husband’s buttons. She apparently has ever since he was little — she tells everyone how fun he is to tease and she and her teacher friend apparently used to take turns teasing him as a kid, and also TELL him he was just easy and fun to tease (he hated it and now struggles to take a joke as an adult… anywho…).

One of the ways she teases him is by listing off every ex-girlfriend. It’s a long list. I also hate it and he’s asked her multiple times to not do that, especially in front of me. We’ve been together almost four years now and it still happens — on Mother’s Day last year, on every holiday, literally at the BIRTH OF MY FIRST CHILD we FaceTimed her since she was out of state and the first thing out of her mouth was isn’t he glad he didn’t have a baby with Sandra, Mary, Rita, the whole Mambo No. 5. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say but later during postpartum rage I let my husband know how it made me feel.

I accidentally walked in on him later confronting her about it and she was refusing to apologize and said she was trying to show him how lucky he is. It’s the same thing every time — she NEVER apologizes and ends up turning the confrontation back on the other person.

I’ve since distanced myself but it still hurts me that she thinks it’s appropriate to name every other woman my husband has been with, “just to remind him how lucky he is” after he’s repeatedly told her to stop.

Is there anything I can say next time she does it? And there WILL be a next time!!!

Since having my LO (4mo) my MIL has become more and more controlling over seeing him and I feel overwhelmed.

For context, she sees her other grandkids every single day. Her daughter loves the help but MIL has admitted she sees them because she’s obsessed with the kids and cannot go without seeing them (literally says she’s having withdrawals, cries when talking about it even though she would have seen them 2 hrs previously…). She has told me she “hates giving them back to their dad” and consistently overrides my BILs parenting, spoils the kids so she’s their favourite person and never stops touching or kissing them when they’re together (they’re 2 and 6). When she’s on holiday she video calls them daily and whenever my BIL is away for work, which he is frequently, she stays at their house.

She’s previously told me she always wished for 3 kids and only had 2 and has felt a void all her life for this reason. She has little hobbies and is semi retired.

When I was pregnant she begged to discuss how she’d be involved in our LOs life. She lives 30 minutes away and at that point we were usually seeing her 1-2x a month. We decided on a day that she usually sees the other grandkids and said if they’re doing an activity that’s suitable for me to bring baby along to, that we’d come as well to which she was delighted because it meant she didn’t have to divide her time or spend it away from the other kids. Fast forward to now and her daughter now has plans with her kids that day and isn’t available for MIL, therefore MIL believes it now to be my son’s day and consistently tries to make plans. She also constantly suggests I go out and do stuff without baby so she can watch him. Which truly creeps me out.

Honestly I didn’t mind spending time with her at first, but her idea of “helping” is coming to our house for 10 hours, planting herself on the couch and holding my son, trying to withhold handing him to me for feeds (I exclusively nurse), and suggesting I vacuum the floor and asking me to make her lunch. In the newborn phase she’d show up with FIL at 7pm and expect to stay until 11pm. She also stayed over once, saying she’d help me get some sleep. I pumped some milk so she could give LO a bottle and she just never got out of bed to help. The next day she asked if I needed a nap, I said I was ok at that moment and so she went and had one herself. She stayed the next day until 7pm and I was exhausted from entertaining her. We have a small house and I can’t separate from guests. Also because it’s small I don’t have a lot for her to do cleaning wise.

For a period she was sick and it was so peaceful not having to worry about her forcing plans on us (though believe you me, of course she tried to cover up the fact she was sick so she could still see us). 🚩 Then they were away for a bit and again, bliss. Now, I’m almost out of excuses and my anxiety is sky high knowing I’ll have to see her and cringe internally while she coddles my child and makes every visit about how he doesn’t see grandma enough and they need special time together.

We were recently discussing the possibility of getting together on the weekend so I sent her a message saying “are we seeing you tomorrow (Friday) or shall we just catch up on Saturday with everybody?” She responded saying “yes Saturday we’ll do a big picnic for the family. I’ll come over to you tomorrow at 10am”. I stated that if we were seeing her on the weekend I’d like to spend Friday doing something else. She then called me in tears questioning why we weren’t getting together on the Friday because she’d set this day aside to help me out. I said the only real help I needed was with meal prep and if she wanted to do that she could and we would collect the meals the following day. She cried and said it’s my day to bond with your son, and ended up coming over that night when my husband was home regardless. She cried the whole time she was here and passively aggressively asked me if she was allowed to watch hubby giving LO a bath.

Now, we just saw her and without us making any plans for Friday she said to my LO when leaving “grandma can’t wait for all our kisses on Friday”. How do I deal with this?? We’re not seeing her, as I’ve intentionally booked an appointment on that day. But I still feel like it’s going to be a constant flow of these comments trying to manipulate her way into our lives and treat our LO the same she does the other kids, and treat me the same way she treats my BIL, who she really just sees as a sperm donor for her perfect grandkids.

This situation is made even harder by the fact I don’t have any family of my own to help us out so she knows eventually I’ll end up relying on her for baby sitting. I feel SO STUCK. I honestly wish we could move to another country.

I feel like whenever I talk to my MIL she questions everything I say. Everything is followed by “what do you mean” or something of that variety to discredit what I said or make me look dumb or crazy and it’s kind of annoying. I never experience this with other people so it’s not like I’m the one with communication issues or something.

For example, she KNOWS my partner and I share our bedroom closet. She’s seen it. One time I said something about the closet and she goes, “and you have the whole closet.” I said “no, I have half the closet and [partners name] has half the closet.” She kept insisting that I have the whole closet…honey, I think I know how my own fucking closet is organized?

Yes I’m trying to speak to her less but sometimes it’s unavoidable.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Conversation with her often feels like a chore

Yes, I realize it’s April, but I forgot to share this gem earlier when venting about my MIL. At the end of March, my in-laws finally brought over their Christmas gifts for my sons.

A quick bit of context: I've repeatedly asked MIL not to buy me gifts. They’re typically small, strange, and passive-aggressive (like sample-sized lotions, or a keychain with motivational quotes about powering through sadness and depression?!?). I eventually stopped gifting her anything after realizing she never actually used anything I gave her.

The last gift I ever gave her was a Skylight digital picture frame—pretty thoughtful, in my opinion. She had complained incessantly about my deleting Facebook and how she "never got to see photos of the boys anymore." I’d tried creating a shared photo album specifically for her, yet the app showed she rarely accessed it. After three months of her not using it, I just deleted it and started directly sharing photos with my own family instead.

I figured the Skylight frame would solve this: you simply set it up at home like a normal photo frame, I upload photos remotely, and it scrolls through them automatically like a slide show. Easy enough, right?

Well, despite her constant complaints, every time I asked MIL if she’d set it up, she said she "hadn't gotten around to it yet." If she ever did, she certainly never shared the account with me.

Note: MIL isn’t elderly or technologically challenged. She’s mid-to-late 50s, just retired from a fairly technical career, has a graduate degree, and manages her smartphone just fine. Granted, she recently struggled to identify the states of Wisconsin, Ohio, and Virginia by sight (all states we've lived in) —but that’s a whole different story.

Now, back to Christmas (in March). Despite my repeated requests, she continues gifting me something every year. This time, it was an ornament featuring an illustration of her sitting between my sons, with the words, "I love you to the moon and back." The kicker? This wasn’t gifted to the boys—it was explicitly addressed to me, with my name on the gift bag.

Maybe I'm overreacting, and under different circumstances, I might've considered this sweet and thoughtful. But knowing my MIL and her track record, this just irritated the ever-loving crap out of me.

My MIL every year for the last 8 years keeps wanting to go vacation with us. The last few months during WhatsApp conversation with my almost 3 year old son my MIL would ask my son if he wants to go vacation with grandma. My son right now too young to answer back. I don't want to go on vacation with in laws we hardly go on vacation actually haven't gone 8 years so our vacation is very precious time for us. My concern is my son if he says yes to MIL and then wonders why we aren't going on vacation with MIL how do i deal with my son? Also how to get MIL to stop asking us to vacation with her. I am thinking just either saying the places we are going to are not suitable for them or just say I want to go as a family of 3. My main concern is my son. Luckily my son doesn't have a bond with MIL compared to my parents. He never mentions MIL at home but he mentions my parents at home.

Initial post here, though not really necessary to read: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/ZIdEseY1LW

I am ANGRY.

Turns out, FMIL lied to my boyfriend, and she was still on some of his bank accounts (HYSA, IRA) despite him changing the passwords and her assuring us that she did not have access. She let it slip up when she called him about his losses in his IRA. She had still been checking it daily.

She said HIS money is all due to HER hard work, and she feels entitled to know the details of his finances to make sure he uses it correctly.

Turns out, she has also been sending my boyfriend messages and articles on isolation and domestic abuse!!!!!!! :’)

Apparently, me not wanting a relationship with her means I am abusive. Me not wanting her at our wedding because she is actively working on destroying our relationship means I am abusive. Me wanting my boyfriend to have full control over his finances is abusive. Me telling him we should only call our mothers when the other partner is not around, as to avoid overhearing anything that could add more fuel to the fire, is abusive. He was inadvertently calling less, but she had still been receiving about two calls a day.

Boyfriend has assured me he has not felt isolated at all in our relationship. Nor does anyone else in his circle feel that way.

She was also against us pursuing solo therapy and was VERY against us going to couples therapy, trying to convince her son that I would use couples therapy to shit talk her and manipulate him. He had told her about therapy impulsively because he was really happy about his decision to try it, but of course, she tried to persuade him against it. She almost did, and I asked for space/a break from my BF because he began to question therapy after hearing how upset she was over it.

My boyfriend and I took a few days of space. He came back. Now, we are both starting solo therapy.

He says he is preparing to go LC with her, and he is hoping therapy will allow him to distance himself. He realizes she is jealous and that she has been manipulative. He believes she would do this to anyone he dates, and he thinks she feels extremely threatened by me, as I am smart enough to catch a lot of her lies.

He has already told her that he will be around less, will be calling less, and not involving her in our relationship for the time being- that his priority in life right now is our relationship.

She’s been calling, crying, saying that he is not defending her enough. Saying she is losing him. All of it. He is full of so much guilt.

I feel relief that my bf is realizing so much, but still, I am so angry. I have been angry at my boyfriend for letting it get to this point, despite me warning him about things. I have been unbelievably angry at her, feeling resentment, because I had tried everything to make this woman like me and to prevent this all. I admit, I have said harsh things to him about her in moments of anger.

I have sacrificed so much time with my family and friends for her.

We are now postponing our engagement for her.

We had to take a break in our relationship for her.

I am stressed, dealing with anxiety for the first time in years. I have lost so much weight the past few weeks, all over issues with her.

So many things for her.

And now, accusing me of abuse is crossing yet another line, one I don’t think I will ever move on from- especially as a woman who has experienced an actual abusive relationship.

My boyfriend, still holding onto some hope, is pondering the thought of us all trying to “hash it out” one day this year. I don’t know if that will be possible, nor do I think she will be receptive, as she still tries to call to say she has done absolutely nothing wrong. I also don’t fully agree that I need to be part of any conversation. So, I am 50/50 on this idea right now. If it is what they want, I might try it, but it will be more-so for her and her husband to hear why we won’t be around as much/why we are changing our future plans. He will probably bring this up to his therapist to see if it is a good idea, so I don’t know yet.

*Add: he wants to hash things out not only to attempt to fix things, but because he believes he has been “a poor middle man”, and would like to believe his mother isn’t evil, but rather that he hasn’t communicated about me or our decisions well.

My goal is to be in NC with her, at least for the foreseeable future.

How do I plan a life and children with a MIL I want absolutely nothing to do with?

Anyone else’s FMIL/MIL accuse them of abuse? Did you ever move forward from such an accusation?

I am also so anxious about other members of the family, his extended family that I do get along with, changing their views of me- actually believing that I would be capable of isolating/abusing him.

Quick add: she is now also wanting to know every detail of our relationship, pushing when he says no, to ‘protect him from isolation’.

Please help :’)

What kind of mother in-law do I have? How do you even deal with someone who doesn't recognize their behavior? Or someone who is so subtle with their digs?

My boyfriend and I have been together since we where 15 years old. We are 21 years old now and have our own place.

Mother in-laws werid behavior: - If I like something she tends to need to like the opposite. - I can not be right about something about her son. She needs to be right about it. - She tells brother-in-law that I'm "changing her son" and "keeping him away from them" - She's told my boyfriend that she doesn't always like me being involved with things and that sometimes she just wants to hangout with her boys. - She's told my boyfriend that she doesn't always like that when she calls I'm within earshot... We live in a small one bedroom apartment. - She coddles her sons and they cannot do anything wrong, but even as adults she tries to baby them. - Brother in-law still lives with mother-in-law and mother-in-law has him brushing her hair and putting it up everyday. He's 18. - She has as a hard time celebrating my success. - She believes her sons will always be around to take care of her. - If we talk about moving out of state she talks about all the reasons that state is awful. - She always complains they don't spend enough time with her. - She gets jealous when my boyfriend and I spend time with my mom.

Any opions or advice? We would like to move far away eventually. Anyone else deal with mother-in-law's like this?

Even if it doesn't change anything there are times when it just feels so good to get a little pettiness out. My ex-MIL went by "Di" so I loved every opportunity to say things like, "Why don't you, Di?" "I think you should, Di." and my personal favorite, "I really wish you would, Di." I always loved to say it in such a way that it made her look at me suspiciously. I quickly perfected my innocent "why are you looking at me that way?" look.

It's been almost 2 decades since I last saw her but I still chuckle at the memories. Did you ever get to take a satisfying, but plausibly deniable, shot?

My MIL is very overbearing with her son. He never had a good/close relationship with her and would only talk to her and see her on holidays once he moved in with his dad. She never knew anything that was going on in his life. Ever since we started dating she tried putting on a whole show that she’s so close with him: not just with me, but plastered all over social media. He made the difficult decision to move back in with her after his father passed away & the overbearing-ness was at an extreme to the point where I barely wanted to go there anymore because I couldn’t stand seeing her & how she tried so hard with her son even though he could barely stand her for various reasons but also the fact that she would cry that she can’t pay bills then ask him for money and instead of paying the bills she would go out to party with friends while we sat home all weekend. Around 8 months after, my husband bought a place and I moved in. This woman would call him almost everyday sobbing on the phone saying how much she missed him being there, how safe she felt when he lived with her (mind you she lived on her own with no male figure for 10+ years), and she doesn’t know what to do…literal verge of a panic attack over this. Fast forward a few years we bought a house and got engaged. Our relationship with her got a little better as she helped a lot with the new house, but nearing the last few days of needing her help she became crazy. We were cleaning up and went to grab the vacuum out of my husbands hand as he is cleaning. I was putting some stuff in a box and she storms out, walks back in a few seconds later and asks me to open the other side door so she can get her things b/c she’s leaving and says in a shaky voice tears in her eyes “I’m going to leave I know you guys have a good rhythm together doing this stuff”…okay say less goodbye. I had more than enough on my plate than to deal with childish behavior. Year later we get a puppy and nearing our wedding. She knows we need a sitter for the dog and goes out of her way to contact dog boarding places without asking us first if it’s okay and gives these places the run down of our puppy even though she barely knows him and only dog sat for him once. I told my husband that he needs to put a stop to this bc it’s only going to get worse when we have kids.

I posted a few days ago about DHs aunt (MILs sister who basically thinks she's a second mum to DH) calling me and telling me off for us not calling her on a special occasion, also saying it's my responsibility. I was reading through all the comments (thanks everyone!) and realised I missed an important part out when I rewrote the draft after accidently closing Reddit the first time- before ending the call she told me how DH has always been close to her when she got married he was a young kid and 'didn't want her to leave' and how she's 'given DH to me for a short time on loan'.....

I personally think that's incredibly inappropriate. DH since then spoke to his mum about this to let her know this all happened and that it shouldn't have. He did say to me he wanted to air this whole incident out because it upset me, also because he didn't want it to impact my relationship with DHs aunt but I think the damage is done. I really don't want to have anything to do with her and I appreciate DH trying but I'm thinking of telling him I'm not comfortable speaking to her anymore (mostly interaction are like once 1-2 months calls specially when we are around MILs since those two talk everyday and usually put it on speaker for all of us to join for a bit/calls or WhatsApp voice notes on special occasions from both of us using his phone).

My partner and I recently got engaged after being together for 2 1/2 years, both 25. I wanna start from the beginning and try not to make a long story long. My fiancé (boyfriend at the time) prior to meeting her warned me how she had never liked any of his previous relationships. The first time I met her, the moment I walked into her home, his dad greeted me and his mom just did not give any eye contact and didn't say hello which of course I thought was odd and rude. We then left to go out to dinner. Throughout the whole time his dad was the one asking me the questions and she was primarily staring around the restaurant. Once we got back to their home she was chatty, and it was an interesting experience to say the least.

At the time my then boyfriend was in college and I'd go visit him or he would come visit me. She did not like that and would express her feelings to him about it. At this time I had been living on my own for 3 years / separated from my parents financially. I also am a very independent person so I think all of that just seemed a bit high school to me... I mean we are adults.The next time I would see her after that first time of meeting her, we were sitting at their dining table at his parents for dinner and it was Easter weekend, that Saturday. My partner asks her what time we should come over for Easter the next day (I live near his parents house) and she outburst infront of everyone "No! You're not staying there, you can stay here!" and I obviously got so uncomfortable. My partner pulled her later on to tell her he won't be staying there and just overall set boundaries about the remarks she had been making. She starting crying and of course didn't want to accept that. Let's just say the next day she did not look at me or barely talk to me. I brought them a bottle of champagne and a gift basket just to try to break bread.

For his graduation she also tried giving away my ticket to someone else, obviously that didn't happen. The weekend of his graduation she didn't look or speak to me and if she did it was very passive aggressive. After the ceremony, when we were going to where we needed to take photos she rushed ahead to orchestrate all of her photos and his friend ended up taking a photo of him and I once that was over. She couldn't let us have a moment of course.

If this will tell you anything, his dads side of the family loves me while his moms side won't acknowledge my presence, give me eye contact, etc. specifically his aunt makes it known to make her rounds of goodbyes and makes sure to skip over me at a family function. She also is the gossiper of the family.

After those interactions with her I very soon realized she in fact did not care for me. I tried to be nice to her but ultimately I wasn't going to interact with her past surface level if she was going to act that way. I wouldn't have to see her too often, maybe every other month or so. When I did, it was always no eye contact, no hello, and always some sort of passive snarky remark. To explain her personality best, she's an introvert, awkward, avoidant ,a very self conscious and insecure woman (words from my fiancé) and I say this not to be mean because honestly it's sad. It wasn't until I formed somewhat of a relationship with my SIL at the time that she started talking to me but this would either be fine or snarky and rude. It would always be very hot and cold with her. Also, whenever I would see her it would be in a setting of 8+ people usually, at the times she would catch me alone is when she would say rude things (never in front of the whole group) in passing etc. Also anytime I tried talking to her and being nice, it would always turn into her trying to undermine me/make it about her. So this inconsistency in her behavior honestly just led me to completely withdrawing my energy and keeping this very surface level with her. It really was my way of reclaiming my peace and not letting her bother me. Gosh... I could really sit her and say so much more but I'm sure you get the picture. My partner also has had conversations with her setting boundaries and particularly 2 months ago really laid all of this ^ out and why it's her fault we don't have a relationship and she doesn't even know me personally

Fast forward to now, her trying to reach out to me was inviting me to someone else's bridal shower who I don't know which is very on brand for her to do (I think is tacky to invite people to a event that isn't yours) so I politely declined and offered dinner with his parents and fiancé since I also made it clear to my fiancé I do not want to be alone with her (only in group settings) until I see her behavior has changed and is consistent. She has a habit of playing nice and then reverting back to being rude and snarky so I just see that as fake. I really do wanna give her a chance down the line, I just have my walls up for now until I see change. I also haven't seen her in 3 months (before the conversation she had with my fiance). I guess I'm really just looking for a non bias perspective? I do recognize she's trying so I don't wanna discard that either

Hello all.

Recently, my boyfriend's Grandmother got custody of his baby sister again. He has never really had a relationship with her, as she is only his half-sister and we don't even know who the father is and she has been in the foster system for over a year, she is 2. The people who were taking care of her before were family friends, they were actually taking very very good care of her and she was happy there.

The main issue with this, my boyfriend and I are finally at the point of moving out and getting our own place and everything, we are moving on with our lives, but I am pretty sure that MIL is using this as an opportunity to keep my boyfriend at home with her. It had always been about money with her, and using him as almost a slave, she will have him do absolutely everything around the house, get groceries ect. and hardly cooks at all. For privacy reasons I will not go too deep into this but she has had reoccurring sicknesses that have almost killed her 3 times, it is said after the 3rd time that it is completely fatal and she refuses to go to her body scan appointments so we have no clue if it has come back or not, but she can hardly move around for over 4 hours as is without limping around and having shortness of breath. The gene runs strong in her family so I am honestly worried that if something happens to her, that the responsibility of taking care of a baby at 18-20 will be placed on us.

Let me clarify I absolutely love his little sister, I think she is adorable and so sweet but I am genuinely not ready to devote my life to a baby, she is also biracial and I have little to no idea about specific hair-care and skin care that is necessary for her. I have been doing so much research but i'm still learning.

So the topic issue:

Ever since she got custody, MIL has non-stop been dropping his sister off unannounced, she will come in and not knock. She is completely against smoking period. and what I do is my own business (for medicinal purposes). But I can't even have my stuff out in my own place since she will come and bring his baby sister unannounced and she would flip her shit, also that is not something I would do around a child let alone a baby. She will swear it will only be for 10 minutes maybe an hour and then come back literally 2-5 hours later to pick his sister up, I will have to try to fit these unexpected visits into my busy days somehow and am even about to lose my job. MIL does not parent or punish her so she will literally come here and try to ride my dogs, hit them and do a bunch of stuff that she is not supposed to, but if I scold her or put her in time out then it is "not my place to parent her." according to MIL. She will unlock our bedroom and bathroom doors with a butterknife and has walked in on me changing, and using the restroom and will put the baby in the bathroom with me while im fully undressed sometimes which also makes me extremely uncomfortable, and I am even more uncomfortable with her seeing me undressed. Just for clarification my boyfriend is also getting sick of this and has even been channeling his anger at MIL, towards me since this started and it has been ruining our relationship. He has been starting to snap at the smallest things now.

I am also a pretty big germophobe especially when it comes to babies, I can not stand baby saliva or any bodily fluids (I know that is something that I will have to tolerate when I am a Mother.) But MIL will take food that I am currently eating for myself and feed it to the baby, and let her sip out of my drinks so then there is backwash in my drink and my spoon is being played with and dropped on the floor. There is just no boundaries that she knows how to follow, the whole time I lived with MIL it was always a battle, she hated me and bullied me and she constantly used the triangulation manipulation tactic on me. So I thought moving out was a fresh start but it just seems like a whole new battle.

I hope none of this sounds insensitive i'm just speaking how I feel. I don't know if it is normal or not for these expectations to be put on me or not but please give Advice and TLC in the comments I could really use it. If your advice is to stand up to her can you please give me some examples of what I can say to her, I have trouble with confrontation and conflict.

My husband is fairly close with his mom and he has a good relationship with his family. I am not very close with her, partially because I just don't think we have much in common but also because of past incidents where she became overbearing and tried to insert herself into our decisions and personal life. In the past, she's tried to decide with us on things like buying a new car (just for me and my husband, which we were going to pay for), as well as meddling in some extremely personal, difficult issues that were between me and my husband and no one else. I won't list everything, but long story short, she has a history of getting an inch and taking a mile, thinking that she's being a loving mother to her son and that he needs her help. If he asks her for help with anything, she leaps at the opportunity and sometimes goes overboard with "helping", to the point where I'd consider it meddling or overbearing. Nothing insane or ballistic has happened like I've seen in this sub.

We were very excited when we learned we were going to have a baby, and we waited for a while before telling our families, to keep it a surprise. I was wary of how my mother-in-law was going to react, because now that she was going to be a grandparent, I knew she was going to want a larger role in our lives. And I completely understand that and I think that is inherently a good thing. But I am feeling very concerned. I am worried that the same thing is going to happen that occurred earlier in our marriage.

There are a few things in particular that I am worried about. I noticed that she has been talking to my husband more often lately on the phone, and I am happy they have a good relationship. But my husband keeps bringing up things that his mom wants to do for us. For a bit of context, my husband is going away on a work trip soon, and won't be back for several months. Labor is due to take place shortly after he returns. My mother-in-law keeps extending offers to come visit me, or even have me stay with her until he returns. I don't know how to turn this down without seeming rude. I don't really want to get close to her now at such a vulnerable time for me, when I am both pregnant and apart from my husband for so long. She's not my mom and we don't have that much in common.

She texted me and offered to take me to lunch on the day that he's leaving. When I didn't answer her text, my husband told me that his mom told him that I didn't answer her text. That made me feel really uncomfortable. I didn't really want to go to lunch with her; I will probably be very sad when he leaves and not really want to be around anyone.

Also, she has made it very clear several times when we've visited her that she wants us to live closer to her. We live in the next state over, so it's not terribly far, but we only really visit on holidays (my family is even further and we also only visit on holidays). I am afraid that she is going to want us to move closer after the baby comes, when I really don't want to. To be honest, I don't really want her help when the new baby comes. I am going to have been apart from my husband for months and just reunited with him. I don't really want to be around my mother-in-law during such a difficult time. Maybe that sounds like the opposite of what a new mom should want, but right now, I can't fathom feeling more relaxed having her around during that time.

There are other things worrying me too, but this is the basic idea. I have not voiced most of these concerns to my husband because I am not sure if I am just overreacting or being uncharitable to her. I would appreciate any advice and thoughts on how to navigate this.

Question(s) for you all - have you dealt with something similar? Have you been able to sort it out for the better?

I have a very spoiling set of inlaws. I have expressed my frustration before about how they’ve bought the same gifts for my firstborn on big occasions (1st bday and Christmas) and she tries to give them to my son first. Not sure if it’s a competitive or control thing. But I started doing lists with ideal “main gifts” and whatever “fluff gifts” they get is what they want to. It worked really well for this past bday and Christmas. BUT what I find odd is that MIL will bring gifts (wrapped or unwrapped) to our house to give and then she leaves with them.. or when we are at their house, she doesn’t let us go home with them or gives them to my son in the other room and hides them before we leave.. and several of these gifts are things I’ve had on the lists that I’m hoping will obviously go home for him to use at our house. We just had our second and I’m a SAHM and really tried to get independent play and home-school sort of items to help with when I’m handling baby. DH literally had to sneak into their house to get the toys they gave our son for Christmas! Our son doesn’t stay over there. We don’t go over there often. I’m not sure what the hell she’s thinking…or if she’s thinking at all? Idk. I just am flabbergasted this is even something I’M thinking twice about - but was curious if this is a common thing?

*quick edit - we’ve started buying the things we were hopeful for and he was excited about so he can actually play with some items/use them! She even keeps clothes lol idk

Hey all, I posted last week about wanting to end "grandma Thursdays" after my MIL insulted me and my mom. Well, after my husband told her we're pausing grandma days to take a break from toxicity, she lost her mind and sent us 3 horrific messages full of accusations, lies and hate toward me. My husband is finally seeing her nastyness on full display. She accused me of turning hom against his entire family, told him to "wake up" and stop being "blinded" by me, she went so far as to insult my extended family back in my home country who graciously hosted her for our wedding 13 years ago, she accused me of looking down on her because Ichave a degree and she doesn't - absolute lies. Basically she projected all of her insecurities on me and pulled out the most insane stuff, it was shocking. She left no stone unturned and crossed many lines that cant be uncrossed. All of this in between comments like "I want to fix things and I'm sorry BUT," and aggressively asking for a face to face even though I told her weeks ago we refuse to meet her if she continues to be aggressive. We ignored the last message and have agreed to a full cut off. We're going to focus on ourselves and our family now. She has also been telling others, like my sister in laws, her version of events and turns out she has been talking shit about me for YEARS. It explains why her side of the family can sometimes be a bit cold with me, and I will admit I am having a hard time accepting all this, it hurts so much and I haven't been sleeping much at all. I keep reminding myself that it's only up from here and I've freed my family from a toxic relationship. That does give me peace. Thank you all for all your support and advice, it helped me so much. ♥️

Probably a year ago I posted about buying mine and my fiancés dream home. A lovely next - gen home in a very up and coming area! Our total dream home. A little expensive but we LOVE THIS HOUSE!! Perfect for our pets, our baby we hope to at least conceive this year, pregnant by Christmas, am I right?! And when we have guests, a beautiful space they can enjoy by themselves. A full guest house attached to the main, we could not have asked for more.

Here comes the issue. From the SECOND we bought the house, my FMIL told us she is moving in. Excuse me? She apparently applied for a teaching license in our state (despite being retired) and made friends with our next door neighbor so she can check up on us?! She said she would like to stay 6 months out of the year, despite having her own husband and house on the east coast, in our guest house. I have battled her the last 1.5 years about our home. She berated me about painting it! It was an awful navy blue, almost black, and we ended up painting it a lovely taupe color. She lost her mind! How DARE we paint HER ‘apartment’!?!?? If we are going to change things, we NEED to get her a PULL OUT COUCH IN CASE SHE HAS GUESTS!! I wanted to puke hearing her say this. She is conveniently only an asshole to me when it’s just us and once my fiancé enters the room, she’s an angel! I’ve expressed to him the things she says and she claims she never said it 😂 he understands she’s a child but would never say it to her sadly.

I have wanted to puke every single time she visited us the last year but I am so happy to say our house is officially on the market and as sad as I am giving up our dream home, I told my husband I want to live in a very small place next time so we are only looking at houses now that don’t include a guest house, OR GUEST ROOM 🥲 I can’t stand my FMIL and she totally ruined our dream house for us but I’m so thrilled to be leaving and we can finally have our life without her trying to involve herself for no reason.

Thanks for reading, I could complain for hours about how horrible this woman is regardless about how she ruined my family’s dream home together 😂

TW: pregnancy, pregnancy loss

I’ll be 18w pregnant tomorrow, and it has been the single hardest thing I’ve had to go through. I’ve been diagnosed with HG (hyperemesis gravidarum) and have been battling with consistent nausea and vomiting since about 6 weeks. I’ve been in the ER, I’ve been getting weekly vitamin infusions until I couldn’t afford them anymore, and my doc has tried more meds than we can even count. Point is, it’s been absolute hell, and it has taken a huge toll on my mental state.

MiL doesn’t believe in any ailment I’m ever diagnosed with. When I got diagnosed with celiac disease? “Oh, you can handle anything in moderation, that’s just what they tell people when they can’t figure out what’s wrong with you.” When I got diagnosed with HG and was in the deepest part of the trenches? “Oh it’s fine, everyone gets morning sickness, you just need to get up and do things, leave the house.” She’s been hounding me about throwing a birthday party for my husband even though hubs and I agreed we aren’t doing birthdays this year in the midst of the pregnancy and all. Mine was in January and I didn’t celebrate it aside from a very small surprise party that a couple close friends threw me, which I’m hella grateful for, don’t get me wrong. However MiL decided she’d throw that in my face as a reason that it’s unfair that I haven’t been planning anything for my husband, who has never given a single F about his birthday as long as I’ve known him. Literally didn’t ask for this party (again, still grateful bc my friends are the best!) and still had it thrown in my face.

I experienced pregnancy loss back in August/September of 2024 and had to get a D&C. It was pretty traumatizing, especially how the doc told us. Our baby would have been due today, 4/4. With that being said, we decided to announce our rainbow baby on the original baby’s due date as a nod to their memory, which we will never forget.

I made my Facebook post, sharing my pregnancy, explaining my sickness, and also lightly touching on our experience with pregnancy loss. When I say lightly, I mean very delicately and tactfully.

MiL also had to make her Facebook post, and share with the world how “one year ago today, (me) and (hubs) were supposed to be welcoming a baby into this world, but unfortunately (me) had a miscarriage and it broke all of our hearts” and I’m not gonna lie, I’m pissed.

First off, I wasn’t pregnant a year ago. We weren’t even trying then. Second off, why the hell use the word “miscarriage” on what was supposed to be a celebratory and lighthearted Facebook post? I’m not upset that she shared, I’m upset that she had to lack tact about everything I went though. I myself don’t even use the M word when I talk about it, because realistically I had about 2 months to grieve and process it before getting pregnant again. Waking up and having this be the first thing I see on Facebook was extremely triggering, and I’m not even one to really use that word. I’ve been just plain freaking sad all day because now I’m feeling guilt for feeling happy and excited over the new arrival. It just feels like I haven’t honored my loss enough yet, and for other people to be talking about it so bluntly, kinda hurts. Feels like she’s using my tragedy for sympathy and attention from her friends. Funny, because she wants to talk all about my pregnancy but won’t even slightly throw me a bone and mention me being a goddamn trooper through HG.

Not to mention, she has now made my freaking ULTRASOUND her goddamn profile picture. It’s like she’s trying to hijack this whole experience and get all the attention and positive energy for herself, all while still denying to my face the very real medical issues I’m still struggling with. It’s weird and uncomfortable, I don’t even have my own freaking uterus as MY profile pic.

If I’m overreacting, all I ask is you give it to me gently. If that’s possible on Reddit. lol.