r/offmychest • u/SmiecioweKonto12345 • 1d ago
I told my father to kill me
That's it. I am not working, and I barely go by in college, I cannot imagine myself finishing degree and working 9-5 for 40 years or so. I told that to my father, and he pretty much just told me that "this is how it works, everyone has to worki".
So I told him that I am going to be a NEET for as long as I can, and he can kill me while I sleep if he wants, that would be ideal for me since I don't want to live anyway.
Tried suiciee once with shit ton of benzos and alcohol, didn't work out, and I simply do not have guts to jump under the train or anything like that.
You can call me an asshole, but I did not choose being born, having mental ilnessess etc.
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u/TatooedToadStool 21h ago
When you’re having these thoughts you need to remind yourself that this is not normal. I felt like this for a long time OP until I got through multiple meds and found a treatment that started working, and I promise you, your mentality changes .
I know there is huge complexities to our current society that make every day very difficult. But waking up in the morning and wanting to die is not a normal mental state to be in. Only people going through severe trauma and those with mental illnesses understand this.
It’s okay to ask for help, and even take medications for a while to help bandaid the pain, you get to step 1. Once you get there, take step 2. And forward.
Remember that you won’t feel this way every step of the way. It will get easier. I promise. From one person who was unemployed and suicidal living at home to someone now working a full time job and fully independent. You can do it too.
Good luck. I wish you the best.
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u/Novembah 1d ago
Please understand that you’re not alone for thinking this way. I don’t understand how we got tricked to live as ants to the wealthy. We lose so much valuable time from work when we have the technology to work less. We can the resources to end hunger and homelessness but we let the rich dictate who gets what. We are not born to work as cattle. We deserve more free time as a whole. Working long hours is not contributing to humanity unless you’re doing the real humanity work like scientists or engineers and artists. Your father is okay being a drone and he is unwilling to understand our struggles. My mother can’t comprehend why I don’t follow religion like her but I understand a part of it is because she lost a lot of her life working since a teenager and I got a higher education than her. I hope you treat yourself well because you are worthy, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise even yourself.
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u/Environmental-Fox976 20h ago
Girl he would get arrested regardless what you want to happen to you. Get therapy.
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u/Cptbanshee 20h ago edited 20h ago
I have had this exact train of thought and conversation with my parents
I also am severely depressed but can still function when I need to
turns out I'm autistic and was never diagnosed. a lot of my problems were burn out and not depression. my brain struggling to keep up with a world that wasn't designed for it.
only took so long to be diagnosed because I also have Adhd and my family denies everything by saying that's just how everyone thinks and feels about the world.
no.... they are all just also neurodivergent and untreated
not saying you are but definitely something to look into alongside complex ptsd which can present identically. especially when passive suicide ideation is commonplace in untreated (and treated) autistics. it's why there's such a high suicide rate amongst us.
also damn a lot of "have you tried not being depressed?" and "you're just not trying hard enough" type bs going around here. like no shit. I want to be dead 😂 you think pulling myself up by the bootstraps and trying to be actively positive and different will make me want to live any more than I currently do? been there, tried that. still wish I was dead.
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u/SmiecioweKonto12345 2h ago
My brother has Asperger (which I think recently got fused together with autism spectrum, it is no longer distinct diagnosis I think), and I do have a lot of ADHD symptoms. I have heard that sometimes depression may be a result of untreated ADHD.
I am also quite disgusted with those comments saying "you choose every day to be depressed". Like no shit, I was very happy, well-adjusted and functioning (kinda 'genius kid') until I turned 18, when it all went downhill with severe depression, sh etc. How the fuck can someone think I chose that misery is beyond me, those people really just got lucky with their mental health and they try to shit on us for having legitimate depression etc. They are reallt acting so entitled, what if being productive or 'thinking positively' has not really helped me? Well, they'd probably say I need to push myself more lol
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u/Cptbanshee 1h ago
I would definitely look into getting looked at for those especially if it already runs in your family. you're more than likely also neurodivergent yourself because it is genetic.
I found that combo Adhd and SSRI's were the best to help me be able to cope with my mental state and disabilities. Neurotypical people will never be able to see the world for how we do. their brains process depression differently than ours does.
they treat it as something you just have to work through and it gets better if you just try harder. if you're ND your brain doesn't work that way and never will. you need a different approach and our society isn't built to sustain how our brains work.
pulling up our bootstraps will never work and will always lead to burnout and a deeper sense of failure and depression.
I genuinely think some of them confuse depression with the feeling of depression which is closer to a sorrow and a melancholy than the emptiness and apathy that is associated with the disease depression.
in short, no amount of antidepressants will help you if you need an Adhd med. genuinely tell your therapist that it runs in your family and that you want to be evaluated for Adhd. do that first, as an autism assessment will cost you a lot more money. if you are Audhd like I am you'll most likely start Adhd meds and suddenly your autistic traits will come out of the woodwork.
if not then you're looking at Adhd and being on a lot less medication and being able to feel a lot more stable and able to handle things. that being said it will only do so much for you, but your therapist can help you form coping methods to help with those feelings of constant overwhelm and hopelessness.
baby steps.
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u/Gorilla2Vanilla 22h ago
Life is a mystery and we are all trying to figure it out. I can say from a father’s standpoint that I am not happy with working tirelessly each day. And for what? For a house? Or a car? And then for it to be taken it away….
All I can say is… do what makes you happy. Life is shit and short.
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u/willowoasis 21h ago
Working 9-5 is the way a lot of people go because it means you will likely be financially unburdened, which is the best option for many people and the best way to have an enjoyable life.
It isn’t for everyone, and there are other options. Maybe you should explore them.
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u/reallymoreish20 19h ago
I understand and sympathize with depression greatly, but at some point, you have to take responsibility and be your own advocate. Help yourself.
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u/insomniacinsanity 20h ago
Hey OP
You have an illness, you are not a lost cause, go to the therapy you have set up, be honest with your therapist so they can help you from where you're at, if your medicine isn't working you should mention that as well
And there are a whole lot of jobs to do in this world, not all of them are 9-5 and lots of folks just work to pay bills and find happiness outside of a job
You have a whole life to live and hopefully this is just a moment in it, this doesn't have to be forever, there's a future out there waiting for you and I promise the people who care for you want you to be in it, keep going OP
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u/bonnydoe 18h ago
There are other ways to live. You don't have to be a slave of your own living standard. There are countries where you can live off of parttime jobs (jobs you like by that as well) when you set your demands at a reasonable level. I did, and now I own an old house and have mini ponies in my garden.
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u/Hooker-with-a-penis- 17h ago
I’ve struggled with trauma and mental illness all my life. I’m going to tell you right from the start it never gets better unless you want it too. Life is hard yes, but you need to find what makes it worth living. For me it’s my wife and family. My parents played a part in my trauma but we have worked past that. Every fiber of my being wants to lash out at you for your post but therapy has helped me see that is my defense mechanism. I personally respond to depression with Intermittent explosive disorder that can also come with black out rages in my brains attempts to protect itself. My case is vastly different than yours and everyone else’s. I found that for me if I have to work I need to do it outside. It helps me deal with the monotony of everyday life. I don’t know you nor will I pretend to, I just want you to throw yourself into anything you find interesting or that gives you joy and don’t look back.
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u/SmiecioweKonto12345 2h ago
That defense mechanism you mention is quite interesting, I have read a bit about stuff like this. Would you mind going into a little more detail here? Perhaps it would help me to understand some negative reactions and become more compassionate.
It is okay if you do not want to, though.
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u/Hooker-with-a-penis- 1h ago
So what I learned in therapy is when I feel this overwhelming sense of righteous anger I need to step back and take a second look. What’s happening is my depression manifests itself as intense rage. I’m a fighter by nature and would rather feel anger and frustration over numbness. The intermittent explosive disorder is a by product of that. Think of me as like a grenade that only realizes what I’ve done in the aftermath. The reason I brought up wanting to lash out initially is because in my head I feel, “well I had it rough, my life sucked for a long time, but I’m still here.” I’m much more calm now given I’ve had time to process your original post. I’ve learned to catch myself getting to that point of “pulling the pin.” As for black out rage’s those only happen when my sever trauma has been triggered and I’m now engaged in a fight. The worst one I came out of I was told I had been in a fight where I apparently ended it by slamming the other guys head into the ground. I don’t even remember being punched or how any thing got started. To be clear this event happened when I was much younger and I haven’t had a blackout rage incident since.
I’m sorry if this is kind of a mess. My therapist usually helps me organize my thoughts when it comes to describing how it works.
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u/Glassfern 23h ago
I haven't heard the term neet in like a decade. Get some therapy my dude. You sound like you have no joys in your life and you're just grinding away anyway. Money can't buy you happiness but money does buy you resources and time where you can experience novel things that can make your head jello jiggle with excitement or at the very least rip open a bag of neural pop rocks
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u/_Kicked_Puppy_ 17h ago
lol is neural pop rocks molly?
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u/Glassfern 17h ago
It's what ever gives you the brain fizzies. Last week I went to a volunteer craft session where they were building paper mache parade puppets. Brain fizzies. Found this really good family owned Mexican taco joint, brain fizzies. Normally my brain is depressed anxiety mush. So when I have a half a gram of energy I try to find something novel to experience to get the neural pop rock aka brain fizzies
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u/_Kicked_Puppy_ 17h ago
Dude I’m gonna start using this. I feel that a lot of the time my brain is just mush and doesn’t allow me to do anything, but I just went to the Dam by me in Nashville and sat outside and enjoyed the weather by myself. Brain fizzies 🤜🏻🤛🏻. Thank you! I really relate to the half a gram of energy 😂, u really hit the nail on the head with this reply, genuinely thanks a lot.
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u/Glassfern 17h ago
Finding weird ways to describe things also gives brain fizzies. Maybe not as long but little ones are good too
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u/Mmaibl1 19h ago
By NEET is that you basically saying you plan on leeching off your father until he kills you or let's you do it?????!?!?
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u/SmiecioweKonto12345 2h ago
I sometimes think of it, obviously it's seen as terrible thing but I have really hard time fitting in the society
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u/local-bolshevik 17h ago
First of all thats one of harshest things you could say to a parent Secondly if you're worried about 9-5 then start doing your own business ? (I dont knoe nothing bout it tho) but you could try different ways to earn money And one thing is about 9-5 -Find a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life I have 2 more quotes "Artists are only capable for ten years" "What did you achieve with your 10 years" Lets just say that you will be still capable after ten years I hope your mental health gets better
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u/Pleasant-Solution725 13h ago
Business owners often end up working way more than 40 hours a week… and not everyone can just ‘start a business’
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u/local-bolshevik 6h ago
By business i meant like different ways to earn money not be elon musk bruh likr art creating, making videos, whatever else to do, if id was OP and wouldnt wanna work i just would go somehow solo traveling like hobo-mode living in tent etc
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u/DecadeOfLurking 15h ago
Know that feeling all too well.
Pro tip: If you don't understand how or why it came about, the depression might be caused by something else. At least for me, my depression and anxiety was caused by undiagnosed ADHD.
It sounds stupid, but getting help really helped. I remember thinking to myself "I'll tell my doctor he either gets me help, or I'll jump off the bridge. If that doesn't help, the bridge is still there.", which feels kind of dramatic now looking back, but it was my way of rationalising actually getting the help I probably deep down knew I needed.
I felt that something was wrong all my life. I thought that because I was doing fine at school, didn't get into trouble, could hold a job etc. that it was probably nothing, but that feeling never went away and it kept eating at me. I didn't know that I was pushing myself more than my mind and body could take, because I didn't know what was wrong with me and couldn't take any steps to mitigate it. I didn't understand that everyone else's normal wasn't going to work for me, so I desperately tried to push myself into a box where I didn't fit, which ultimately made me depressed.
Even though getting help changed my life, I still struggle from time to time, but the wisdom of growing older puts things in a different perspective. Getting help once, doesn't mean you have to be all right forever, but with time it gets better. I promise.
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u/Pizzacato567 9h ago
I can relate too. Was recently diagnosed with CPTSD. For a long time I felt (and to a degree still do) like I was just lazy and undisciplined. I used to be fairly driven and got great grades and balanced my hobbies fairly well but since I started processing my childhood abuse a few years back (since I got out of the situation), everything is just so difficult.
I don’t think I function like a normal person. I’ve started to realize that doing things for me takes significantly more effort than it would take a normal person. It’s why my room is always so messy and doesn’t get clean unless someone helps me - because I just can’t do it alone. Everything feels overwhelming to the point it’s crippling. It’s not fun and it affects me physically. There are sometimes where I feel like I’m maybe approaching close to normal then a super minor thing happens and it throws me off again and I collapse. I’ve been dealing with it for years thinking I’m the issue and I’m just not trying hard enough. Because if everyone else can do things - why can’t I.
I’ve recently started seeking help because I can’t take feeling like this anymore.
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u/SmiecioweKonto12345 2h ago
I am diagnosed with depression and anxiety (mixed disorder, it's in the ICD, I don't know if there is equivalent in DSM). But I do feel there is a deeper cause for all of that, and I am starting therapy this week. Can therapist be of any help to psychiatrist with things like diagnosing ADHD etc.? Psychiatrist and therapy I'll be attending are at the same clinic, and I have heard they (therapist and doctor) can work together.
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u/Stranglebat 12h ago
You aren't an asshole for mental illness. You are an asshole for making it your Dads responsibility to manage your mental illness. That is something you can help and you took the selfish way on that.
It is definitely multifaceted, people arent all one thing, but id say of the 2 "going to work" and "killing your own son" one is galaxies apart in difficulty harder.
As others have said, you probably need therapy to get the tools to manage it and if you don't go then that makes you an asshole too.
Hope things get better for you!
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u/catsweedcoffee 20h ago
Why does being NEET appeal to you? I’ve only ever seen it as a neckbeard/weebo thing, I’ve never talked to anyone that chose it as a way to check out of life. Are you not bothered about being a burden to others financially or emotionally?
Telling a parent to kill you, especially after you’ve survived an attempt, is abhorrent behavior. You have every right to be miserable, but making other people miserable to match your level is gross and woefully unfair to the people who seem to be making sure you have a place to live and complain.
Seek therapy.
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u/whatevergalaxyuniver 7h ago
Why wouldn't it appeal? Work fucking sucks and some people just absolutely hate working. We need to be more accepting of people who don't want to live in a world where they have to work a shitty job they hate just to get by.
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u/PissingAngels 2h ago
Agreed under the condition that they provide for themselves to survive - scavenge, hunt, farm, etc, otherwise you pass away
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u/SmiecioweKonto12345 2h ago
I really try to pretend everything is fine, and most of the time I am doing good job at that, and that is precisely because I don't want this misery on others. Sometimes I snap though, like everyone does when it gets too much.
Edit: Also, I am bothered by being financially dependent on someone else, honestly it's not like I really enjoy that. I can barely take care of myself though, I hate that
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u/CloudyAppleJuices 1d ago
NEET?
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u/JusTAuSir 1d ago
Not in education, employment or training. Guy/girl is basically anti life and I don’t think any words or argument can convince this guy outside of therapy
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u/whatevergalaxyuniver 7h ago
What's wrong with being anti-life? Life has too many terrible things and it's why antinatalism exists.
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u/Bonegirl06 17h ago
Literally Google "jobs that aren't 9-5". There are about a million. Its not 1350 anymore where we have to go into the same trade our parent worked and live the same miserable existence. Also get some mh treatment if you aren't already. This is depression talking.
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u/birdoparadiso 16h ago
Go travel, do workaways in amazing places where you work with your hands and help out in return for food and board, see the world, discover who you are and what your passion is. I’m 32 and I have done 3 degrees, I’ve travelled a lot but not as much as I’d have liked or in the ways I’d have liked, it took me a long time to figure out what I want to do or who I am. Being in education for your entire childhood, into adulthood and then working is not healthy for your mind. You need some time off, and you can travel with very little money!
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u/1zayn5 6h ago
Why don’t you do an online business? At least try rather than moaning about it. I have adhd, autism, dyslexia, dyspraxia, IBS, hypertension, flat feet, kidney problems and many more unknown conditions I don’t know about. However I don’t let these get to me and I take these conditions at challenges. I am 19 and still am doing good. I am a current medical student in first year, I work at McDonald’s in my home town, work as a student ambassador for my university covering tons of events for external organisations. Now I have started doing self employed courier deliveries. These days you can do almost anything to earn money. There’s droppshipping, online agency work, crypto and the list is just endless. Never give up, keep going strong and you will make it out this dark gloomy section of your life. I believe in ya
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u/QuietRiot7222310 23h ago
I just wanna say, why would you put that on your father??? A murder charge? Are you for real?
Get therapy. Lots of it. Get your meds adjusted.
Be proactive in your life. You don’t like it? Change it.
Nobody likes to work. It’s just a fact of life. You want the good parts of life? You have to work toward it yourself. Go to school, do well, to get a job that you don’t hate. You don’t like your friends or don’t have any? Join a club, get out and meet people.
I’ll say what others are thinking but not saying. Laziness is not an attribute that attracts people. Laziness doesn’t make your life worth living. Laziness will not fix depression. Ending your life will only put your pain on others.
So get up, take a shower, and call therapists.
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u/reallytanner 22h ago
Everything you said is just that, words. Easy to say, but when facing depression for days, months, or even years on end, even the most basic little changes are anything but easy. I disagree with the patronizing undertone of your reply and that depression and laziness are being used as seemingly interchangeable concepts.
OP hang in there, focus on one thing and one thing only - purpose. Forget about everything else. If you feel that what you're doing has some actual purpose, you're likely to leave that depression in your trails. I have been searching for that purpose for many years and still haven't found it, every day my mind wanders aimlessly trying to crack the code of what is my purpose but to no avail. I wish you better luck than me, as I'm assuming you're a bit younger than me.
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u/Soul-Bane 20h ago
Everyone here has coddled you enough. Your dad told you plain and simple how the real world works, none of us chose to be born or chose to live in a circus trying to be successful- but you have to do it, grow up and become a member of society dude. you’re so immature you’re first reaction is to say “guess I’ll die?” You’re so helpless you won’t even help yourself
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u/krazymclovin 22h ago
Move to different country and start a new life, maybe this type of lifestyle isn’t for you. Be a fisherman/fisherwoman. You gotta keep your brain distracted by having hobbies
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23h ago
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u/offmychest-ModTeam 23h ago
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u/KarlTalks 23h ago
Dont do or say that please you dont know where people are at or how they feel and pushing them over the edge is low.
Think what you want but you dont have to instigate and you take some things for granted that you're not able to see so dont take risks with other peoples lives you dont want or need that on your conscious.
Acting like that doesn't make someone a winner either
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u/Additional-Acadia-92 20h ago
Look. I feel for you. Life is a struggle no one asked for. I’m adopted and inherited mental illnesses my mom passed on, that my adopted family didn’t have a prominent history of, or experience with. I was diagnosed as ADHD young, but that was also autism undiagnosed. I knew I always felt different from everyone. You know what happy should feel like but you know you’re not there. I was prescribed Adderall by the 4th grade. I hated the stigma and the special treatment from teaches because of “learning disabilities” back then. I struggled a lot and self harmed in high school. In college is when I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. I’ve tried so many different anti-depressants since then. Then many years off. It wasn’t until the suicide of a friend that I found my first therapist at 26. Now I’ve been with the same one for 7 years. Even when I fall off the wagon for months, I still go back. It gets easier. Then it gets hard. Then it gets a little easier again. And repeat. That’s life. You have to fit, but you have to want to, because no one can don’t for you. You can’t ask your dad to unalive you. That’s unrealistic. That’s not his fight. This is your life. Only you control it. You’d be surprised how easy it is to make a change when you get out of your own head. I’ll be thinking of you.
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u/historicalbrew 19h ago
I won’t go into my life story (unless that’s somehow helpful in any way) so I will say this: you are your own person no matter what tries to define you. You are capable of whatever you want, and if you don’t know what that is then leave it be and move on to the next thing. Death is final, and it has its own consequences for others even if it’s the best option for you. I found that out the hard way. You aren’t bound to a life you don’t want, but what depression forces you to believe is that it’s not within your own power to change. Despite your feelings, you emotions, your struggles…you can decide what to do with your own time and your own life. It takes time and effort that we most often don’t feel like or literally do not have. The process is grueling, it’s painful, and it doesn’t serve our needs until the bitter end. But within you is a power that can make all of it happen. Focus not on what your perceived end all should be, but rather the process of getting to there. The dailies, the steps, the checkpoints. People of older generations were privileged enough to live in a world that was aimed on serving all people, young and old, disabled or not. Now our world serves a power unchanged by thought or design, because they have shaped it to fit only their needs. To be who you want to be, do what you want to do, you have to serve only yourself and forget about the rest. Discard those that hold you back, and do only what gives you the means to living a life worthy of your own standards.
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u/DrMantisToboggan45 19h ago
Bud, I tried to off myself twice and spent a few weeks in a behavioral health center. You gotta change your mentality. I don’t care about life, you’re gonna die one day, none of this shit matters. So why not try something? We both know it ends in a big nothing so fuck it, do as much as you can while you can. I’ve got a great job now, moving into a brand new place and I’m excited. My biggest problem was never allowing new experiences because it absolutely is pointless, but fuck it, why not man? Do something or just end it, that’s what my struggling years helped me realize
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u/PaleontologistTop322 18h ago
I would get blood/hormones checked if I were you. I was going through a depressive episode, super apathetic about life turned out I was severly anemic.
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u/DivineMiss3 17h ago
Lamotrogine alone can dull you out. Definitely talk to your prescribing doctor. Or better yet, have your new therapist work with your doctor.
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u/Lil_Cactus516 14h ago
I tried psychedelics a couple times. Changed my life. Js
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u/_Kicked_Puppy_ 15m ago
Dude I started taking mushrooms about a year ago and I’ve almost quit drinking and my anxiety/depression is so much better..!
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u/perfidious_snatch 14h ago
Oh love, you’re not any kind of asshole.
When you’re in the grip of this type of mental illness, the act of reaching out for help is massive - it’s the equivalent of climbing a mountain!
I can see from your comments that you’re starting therapy soon, and are open to trying different medications to find one that works. That is huge! Even from within such a dark place, you are fighting to survive.
With the right support and the right treatment, it will get better. Keep going, keep fighting, keep trying. Things will get easier.
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u/ShiraRooAnimates 11h ago
Man that's awful I'm glad your going out to get support for your mental health as depression isn't fun and you sound like you need support even if you don't think so, things will get easier just remember we have just started figuring out what we are going to do, and that takes time rember you got people on your side always ❤️
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u/SnooMuffins5160 5h ago
depending on where you live you could apply for persons with disabilities funding i get 1520 a month from bc government for my high functioning autism, adhd ocd and anxiety
mom fought like hell to get them to let me in
i still can’t work work without panic attacks but 1520 is enough to live off of at home
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u/Savings_Dingo6250 3h ago
9-5 is not the only option for work. An education can sometimes open doors to more flexible and interesting arrangements. There’s a whole big world out there and its going to have something for you.
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u/Blackmintrabbit 22h ago
Was your dad horrible to you or something? Why would you tell him that? Just because you have mental illness doesn’t mean you can be an asshole unwarranted, and based on the post you have enough sense to know what you did was shitty. No one chooses being born, but you can choose how you want to live.
May you get the help you need.
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u/SoapGhost2022 20h ago
Emotional blackmail
“I’m not working so either take care of me the rest of my life or kill me”
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u/catsweedcoffee 20h ago
100%!!!! Literally asking the person making sure OP has support and a place to live to kill them. So manipulative.
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u/whatevergalaxyuniver 7h ago
No one chooses being born, but you can choose how you want to live.
So why don't we let people opt out of life if they want to?
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u/Blackmintrabbit 1h ago
We do in certain countries. However, to try to answer your question, to be bystanders when someone is willing to do permanent harm to themselves is seen as immoral—these people are thought to be sick and if in the “right” state of health wouldn’t choose death.
But this was not the point of my statement.
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u/konagirl60 22h ago
As someone who has struggled with depression, one thing that helps me is to help someone less fortunate. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or an animal shelter.
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u/TheHalfwayBeast 21h ago
That just makes me feel worse and guilty for being sad when I have no reason to be.
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u/Mean_Rule9823 18h ago
Just go be homeless..why make your father suffer ?
His choice is to take care of you forever by working and busting his ass or to kill you wtf.. That's just emotional blackmail.
You have to take care of yourself and grow up everyone does.no one wants to work for 40yrs lol but unless you are rich or luck out ,join the club.
If you are to far gone with mental illness to even support yourself then look into adult care facilities that can take you in.
Having some one do everything for you or they can kill you is ridiculous.
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u/_Kicked_Puppy_ 17h ago
This is the most selfish Reddit post I’ve ever seen
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u/SimpGuard 16h ago
How is it selfish, if you don’t mind me asking?
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u/_Kicked_Puppy_ 15h ago
Because OP is just fine with being a NEET and leeching off their father and hurting everyone around them because they don’t feel like dealing with their problems. Asking your own parent to kill you is terrible. Imagine how the dad felt hearing that, but they don’t even want to try to get better. Pretty selfish behavior, lots of people have it bad or worse but that doesn’t mean you just give up and ask your dad to kill you because you feel bad.
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u/whatevergalaxyuniver 5h ago
Well, OP didn't ask to be born, did they? I don't see how it's selfish when OP didn't ask for any of this.
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u/WormyJellyBaby 20h ago
First time I had depression I was put on some meds that did absolutely nothing for me. Kept being told “give them time” and I came extremely close to running out of time. They decided eventually to change meds and I started to pick up. Was still one foot at rock bottom but the other foot was in the air. Got better, all good. Woke one day and IT was back. Straight for the second med this time and didn’t get nearly as bad. On a maintenance dose for life now. Had they left me on the first meds much longer it’d be a very different story so if you feel nothing is helping maybe speak to your doc about trying some different ones
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u/CandyRepresentative4 19h ago
Yeah dude life sucks in that way that people need to work to sustain themselves. I have periodic meltdowns about this too. You don't have to do a 9-5, do something more flexible and interesting and start investing in crypto.
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u/General_Road_7952 19h ago
Consider being tested for autism and ADHD. Depression can be a beast, but difficulty with school can be due to multiple factors including learning disabilities
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u/ComprehensiveBag2516 12h ago
It sounds like you’re lonely. Find people with similar interests, even if mundane. Get a small social circle and play a game or a sport together. You never know what you have until it’s gone, and not being alive suddenly makes it not really a problem anymore, but I promise if you find people to connect with, life has a lot to offer. Go sit at a coffee shop and spark up a conversation, go hiking and chat with other people, visit another country where you don’t speak the language and engage with people. Just get more human connection in your life! I’m not saying it will solve all of your problems, but it will at least point you in a better direction.
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u/Licko-mahballs 10h ago
Don't work a 9-5 but at least try every option before punching your ticket ya know? It's your right but life can change so much in a couple of years and it doesn't always change for the worse. There's always something to look forward to
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u/theworkbox 7h ago
There are many good answers, so whatever i say likely is in there, but having had my own bouts of depression etc - one thing is true, as long as you are physically healthy and mentally well enough to do anything at all, you should try to be good to yourself, and try to give yourself nice enough days. Definitely move and spend some time in nature or a park, play with a puppy.
I know the pain of illness, i am not belittling it. But if you have to live with the burden you can try to balance the other side..Live large enough to offset the shit pile on the other side of the scales. Reminds me I need to quit my job.
There are many alternatives to a 9-5 life. Before you die you can at least try to give something you like a shot. Make movies, open a cafe, write, get fit, walk around the world, do day jobs when you need money..the digital nomad thing is also big because people do not want that daily grind lifestyle.
The old question - what would you do if you were a millionaire..If you can come up with anything at all, go for it, even without the millions. Gold covered ice cream, getting a rare cat breed, flying to China, all count. As does traveling the world, being an artist or philantropist.
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u/whatevergalaxyuniver 7h ago
I totally understand you. We are forced into existence without our consent and then forced to work a job we hate just to get by. When someone doesn't want to, they'll get called a leech. Yet, when the "leech" asks for suicide(which would benefit both the "leech" and the people who are being leeched off of because the "leech" won't have to deal with the consequences of not having a job and the people won't have to deal with a leech anymore, win win situation), we're called selfish. So it's basically either being selfish or being a leech if we don't want to get a shitty job we hate. I don't know why people are so against opting out of life anyways, we didn't choose life so why should we be forced to stay? Just like how not everyone likes soccer, not everyone likes life either.
Shit like this is why antinatalism is correct.
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u/crabfossil 2h ago
I said the same thing to my mum, but I was pretty young so she didn't take it seriously. if it helps, I spent years unable to do anything. eventually I managed to get in contact with several government disability services that helped me find my footing. now I'm doing very well at part time uni while I continue learning how to care for my space. it feels good.
medication is only one part of the equation, it will not help you alone. you need deep therapy and eventually you might need to change your living situation (if you're like me and your parents are wearing on you more than you realise). you don't have to work a nine to five either - maybe you'll be able to one day, but if you can't, that's fine. the job I'm working towards isn't like that.
I hope you can see how serious this is though. you're not a bad person for thinking like this. you're suffering deeply, you need help, your father isn't right to talk like this to you.
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u/eggstacee 2h ago
To do that to your dad is an asshole move, I have to say that as a mother and grandmother. No one asks to be here and yet we are. Your illness is treatable. Call 988 if in the US, they can be the first step in getting help.
As long as you are over 18 and blaming someone else for your misery you are legally of age but behaving like a child.
I don't intend to sound mean, it's just that it's your responsibility to get help. The hardest part is opening your mouth and asking for the appropriate kind of help. (Not, hey Dad kill me-detrimental and childish- but Hello helpline, my name is _____ and I need someone to help me. -nobody is psychologically harmed-)
You are punishing your father, likely mother too, for something that they aren't responsible for. They may have needed to get you help in the past but if you're no longer a minor, it's now on you.
Although things may seem bleak, they don't have to stay that way. Quit trying to gain what it takes to destroy yourself and use that energy to get strong enough to make a phonecall.
A closed mouth never gets fed...
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u/SmiecioweKonto12345 2h ago edited 2h ago
Really most of the time I pretend everything is fine, but recently I have been so fed up with it. I do know it is childish, but I was never really shown how to be an emotionally mature adult, so how would I know how to go about that.
Edit: Also, I know it is my responsibility, a lot of people do not have need for that though and are able to take care of themselves like it's their second nature, it is a bit unfair. I don't think I was that far away from death after my last attempt (judging from hospital documentation), and I do think it was not right for my parents to try to save me against my wish. They would not be burdened by me had they chosen to respect my choice back then, and I would be at peace.
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u/Straight_Random_2211 2h ago
where are you from? (so that I can know if your family are rich, or your country provide welfare/money for unemployment people)
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u/bonelessXO 55m ago
Have you tried fixing your gut microbiome? Have you tried exercising? Eating whole, natural foods? When was the last time you ACTUALLY put in some sweat at the gym/workout? People who are depressed simply don’t want to get up and make a change, but I’m telling you it’s possible.
Wishing the best for you
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u/Aggressive_Pause_571 16m ago
I’ve gotten in ruts like this for years at a time, lowkey what helps is developing hobbies and finding a braindead job. If working isn’t important to you then money really shouldn’t be either, spend your money on shit you wanna do and get a stupid job you can do mindlessly like landscaping or something blue collar, working with my hands keeps my mind busy through the 8 hours and really helps make me not wanna off my self. Swapped from a desk job of 2 years about 6 months ago and haven’t been more neutral about my life ever before
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u/nochinzilch 23h ago
So, SSRIs don’t "cure" depression, they just turn down the volume of the doom, gloom and prickly annoyances that make life unbearable, so you can go about changing how you think toward something more productive.
Life is what it is. We can either be miserable or we can find ways to make it tolerable, or even fun.
Sit down and think about what makes you happy. Maybe nothing does now because of the depression, that’s ok. Go back in time and try to remember something that did make you happy. Or think about things that you wish you enjoyed. Start doing those things, or working toward being able to do those things.
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u/THEpottedplant 23h ago
Hey man, first off i hear you and im sorry for the pain you carry. I can understand ways you may have justified your feelings. Ive been at similar points in my own life, specifically following my own dads suicide. I basically saw that i could live, struggle, and hate life for 40 years before making the same choice he did, or i could kill myself now.
I chose a third option and let go of a lot of my identity and found value in things that were closer to my heart, that made me happy, curious, full of love, excited to be here. It wasnt something i did on my own, i had support from loved ones and therapists. On that topic, im pretty confident you can get access to some mental health care for free through your school. Please, look in to your options.
Beyond that, i dont know what kind of person your dad is, but youve made a pretty clear cry for help to him. Im sure he wants you here and wants you to be happy to be here. I hope you both can find space to feel loved and safe in each others presence and that he can figure out how to reach you. I am certain he wants to, but he may feel immobolized in this.
In reference to the 9-5 40 hour week, there are other options or perspectives that can make it manageable. Finding a job in an environment you actually enjoy being in can be a huge benefit, or finding a job that helps you feel socially valuable or fulfills your curiousity. Outside of that, its important to remember that there is more to life than work. Personally, atm i dont like my job. I did for a while bevause it helped me feel socially valuable (did therapy for autistic children) but right now im feeling taken advantage of and disregarded by management in my facility, which makes me unhappy to be there. I am frustrated by this situation, but i have a lovely cat at home that i love to spend time cuddling with, i have a partner that encourages me and loves me similarly, i have friends who i value and value me, i have interests and hobbies that inspire me and connect me to a wider and more accepting world. These arent things that i just have, but things that i have developed and earned over time by focusing on life outside of the 9-5, and these are the things i live for. Working just helps enable them
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u/h8hannah8h 22h ago
Yeah I feel you. Just remember not all jobs and careers are the same. Be a job hopper and become a jack-of-all-trades. There are some fun things you can do if care more about experience and enjoyment. Or find a craft or hobby you can sell and find peace in that.
Also, it’s really fucking hard to do that if there is no hope for the future. Why work that much if you can’t even afford to live?
I struggle with this too. It’s so hard to exist and live when everything feels ridged and unfulfilling. We haven’t always push ourselves this hard and it’s okay to not be ambitious. You can be without any obligation or guilt or stress or exhaustion.
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u/Standard_Medium7721 22h ago
As someone that’s had depression forever I had very similar feelings when I was going through. college. Luckily I made it through with a decent degree. It was a lot of tears and not feeling good enough. What helped me was becoming friends with my classmates and creating study groups or speaking to the TAs and professors.
I’m not gonna lie the first four years of working a normal job after college were hard and I was hit with another depression spike of “do I really have to do this forever?” Now though I’m in therapy, I’ve finally found a balance of meds that works for me and makes me so much happier, and I’ve built a very good support system. Horrible things have happened in my life since then but it’s because of this support I’m still here. I did eventually find a job that I’m skilled at and I enjoy but it took years to find the right fit for me.
Life is pain yes and I get the feeling of not choosing to be born. Maybe find comfort that we are all in that position. Try different meds out if the ones you are on aren’t doing the trick. Maybe join some clubs or sports and meet people? It’s good to have friends to rely on and do fun things. It’s daunting to look through life in the lens of work and school. Life is more than that - it’s having meaningful relationships in your life and making memories with them.
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u/Standard_Medium7721 22h ago
Just wanted to add I got my dog 7 years ago and she’s everything to me. I probably wouldn’t have gotten out of bed most days without her there.
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u/TraditionalPayment20 17h ago
I mean… he can just evict you. He doesn’t have to keep taking care of you.
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u/Lion-This 23h ago
You have some kind of mental issue but also the problem is not the world it is you… Bunch of people live their whole lives trying to fill in with mental issues… Everyday for them it looks like it might be the last but they still find the joy in small things
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u/GoodDayToYouBros 22h ago edited 20h ago
"The problem is not the world" is crazy. You know damn well this world is filled with injustice, corruption and unfairness. Also, having to work your entire life just to exist is fkn awful. It doesn't have anything to do with mental illness, It's just a sad fact of life.
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u/IReallyWantSkittles 1d ago
Yeah you're not going to be doing much of anything with severe depression. Even going to work on that is going to be difficult.
But getting that treated is the only way forward.