r/rs_x • u/chaechica • 20h ago
Rest in peace, angel
My very close online friend passed away by s*icide last sunday and it feels surreal. I wanted to write an eloquent poem or a little piece for her, something that summarized the various parts of her that made her whole, real and so very special to me but I just don't feel like doing that now. I've done that many times when she was alive simply because i appreciated every aspect of her existence that much.
She would have turned 20 this coming may the 13th.. I'm finding it hard to verbalize any of my thoughts in relation to her but if anyone asks me a question I think I can express my overwhelming feelings through answering them.
She deserved so much better, she tried her best every single day and I can literally attest to that. I feel like crying thinking of the last time I spoke to her, which was day before. It was me asking her if sertraline affected her physically. I was going to take it soon because for the first time in my life, I took tangible steps to solve suicidal tendencies and anguish I've felt from loneliness and a terrible home life for 10 years now and she had more experience with medication..whether any of that experience helped or alleviated her pain or not. She told me it was gonna be okay and when telling me about her first experiences with it, she showed me a photo of herself when she first started taking the anti depressant and I just remarked on how beautiful she was even though I'd seen her so many times before..she barely tried in that aspect and I'd often feel that she didn't know what suited her but it didn't matter ever.
I also feel like crying when I go outside because sunny days remind me of her, that might sound stupid but even before this, the most beautiful things in the world that occur naturally like flowers and sunsets would remind me of the people I truly loved, because that's the way I'd cherish them. She was real, she's gone but what we had was real. I will never ever forget her.
She had the most adorable curiosity about the tiny aspects of the world when she wasn't entangled in deep problems due to the circumstances in her life. She deserved proper help, not a prostitution job or people providing her with cocaine or a shitty rehab facility or a neglectful abusive father or people leading her on emotionally or every single sexual assault from men who went on with their lives after destroying her bit by bit.
She wanted to study marine biology in college and I'd always encourage her with passion because I really meant it. This was one of the things I wished for in like 5 years time, my wish was for her wellbeing and fulfillment, perhaps a sense of normalcy that I maybe took for granted in some aspects. I'm slightly younger than her but I wish I could have gotten a job earlier and helped her out financially and taken care of her and spent some of my days with her in real life even though she lived on the complete other side of the world.
I want to go there to melbourne and make a small flower shrine for her and write letters to her when I can and leave them there somehow and try not to cry.. maybe meet her younger brother once and tell him that his big sister was one of the coolest people ever and that she really made a difference to other people's lives even though she felt she was a unsuccessful doomed fuck up. And then be on my way home, reminiscing on my past conversations with her
I'm so glad we were friends, that we found eachother in this lifetime. I think she was a dime a dozen. I loved her
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u/waldorflover69 19h ago
My heart breaks for you and your friend, op. 20 is far too young to go and I agree, she deserved more than all the obstacles you listed. I have lost friends to suicide too, and I know their loss makes the world a dimmer, uglier place. But I think you do her a service by remembering her for her curious spirit and sharing what you loved about her with other people. I am so sorry.
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u/chaechica 18h ago
ty for saying this. She didn't have a lot of friends in real life and we connected in such a meaningful way, I'd always wish there were more people like her out there but it feels disheartening that she couldn't do it anymore. I was very close to this myself a few months ago, I feel like it should have been me instead of her. Anyway im glad you like what I wrote, this was nice of you <3
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u/Ghostbreathinneck 19h ago
im sorry to hear that. it’s a terrible loss, every time. I think it would be nice for you to speak to her brother, im sure he would appreciate it
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u/chaechica 18h ago
definitely, I'll take what you said into account. death feels so real, I know she was suffering but she was so close in age to me and I still can't believe this is real and I'll never be able to see her message or hear her voice ever again :(
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u/katebeckons 20h ago
I'm so sorry. You've done a wonderful job describing her here, now I will remember her fondly too. I lost my best friend the same way last year and in retrospect the ceremonial acts were helpful, as was participation in suicide prevention advocacy. If you can make it to Melbourne, go for it. I'd bet her brother would cherish your words, you have a beautiful insight on her life. Wishing peace to you both.
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u/chaechica 18h ago
ty for commenting, I'm so sorry that happened to your best friend.. especially if she was an irl friend
thanks for the advice, we had lots of mutual friends online and I really want to be close with them right now and hug them. I think it would be nice to go meet up in a few years and do something for her
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u/FreshlyrRotten Fox Mulder 19h ago
the last time I spoke to her, which was day before
i can't even imagine. i'm amazed you were even able to speak so thoughtfully to her memory so soon being that close. so often when you hear these stories here it was something like "we hadn't talked in years..." i hope that there was some small flower of joy in that last day you can hang onto, and know that you had joy together even that close to the end. sending you love.
I want to go there to melbourne and make a small flower shrine for her and write letters to her when I can and leave them there somehow and try not to cry.. maybe meet her younger brother once and tell him that his big sister was one of the coolest people ever and that she really made a difference to other people's lives even though she felt she was a unsuccessful doomed fuck up. And then be on my way home, reminiscing on my past conversations with her
Some of this doesn't have to be a 'want', it can be a 'will'.
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u/chaechica 3h ago
thank you.. I'm kind of erratic with messaging but even if I didn't speak to her every day because of my own issues, I'd like all her tweets to let her know I was there. Maybe you're right in that that last day would be something precious I can look back on but for now it's still painful :(
I didn't even realize I said 'want' so much, I guess you're right, I have cousins living there so it's definitely possible in the coming years
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u/magdalene-on-fire dominican tradlarper 12h ago
:( hugs. My prayers are with you. Grief of a close friend, especially when they’re young, is hell.
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u/orangebrat 18h ago
I'm so sorry to hear that and keeping you in my thoughts today. you sound sound like great friends and people.
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u/chaechica 3h ago
thank you, that's very nice of you to say..I think we brought out the best in eachother, because we felt so comfortable with eachother<3
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u/strawberry-fawn 20h ago
i’m so sorry about your friend. she sounds like she was a beautiful person, inside and out.
i remember being 19 and suicidal, thinking i’d done all the living there was to do. and even though things have gotten worse i’m still glad i made it to 22. so i keep that in mind when i’m depressed over things. i think that my older self will be glad she made it to 25, to 30, to 50.