how do i get over my fear of confrontation?

[u/meuntilfurthernotice]

i work front desk at a hotel, so i’m alone most of the time. however, i have a coworker who comes in early for her shift after mine and we usually make some polite conversation. i have no interest in being her friend, however, because within a month of knowing her, she dropped the n word in conversation. i let my boss know, and she was talked to about it. however, it happened again this week. i didn’t say anything at the time, but told my boss about it. i’m a bit upset at myself for not saying anything, though. i have a terrible fear of confrontation (especially around moral issues) and i often avoid it. how do i get over this? i don’t want her to think im okay with her racism in any way, but i understand my silence could be interpreted that way. i’m planning on talking to my therapist about my fear of confrontation, but i could use some additional advice.

[u/ghosts-on-the-ohio]

A couple things I would suggest.

1) Practice what you are going to say in a mirror. Practice it in the car while your driving or in the shower. Hearing it come out of your mouth out loud might ease some of your anxiety.

2) Make a realistic list of worst-case-scenario outcomes. If I confront her about her racism, what ACTUALLY is the worst thing that can happen? That you will no longer be friends with her? That she might be mean to you and not like you? That your boss might disapprove of your confrontation? How many of those scenarios are actually realistic? On the one hand, this might seem like you are spiraling out of control and letting your anxiety get away. But when you actually do it you will likely discover that the worst case scenario isn't nearly as bad as you think, and that even the worst case scenario, you will be perfectly capable of dealing with it.

3) You do not actually need to say very much. You don't actually need to convince her why the n-word is bad. You just need to let her know that you disapprove.

"I am not comfortable with you using that word in my presence," is all you need to say.

If she asks why or demands an explanation, you don't even have to give her one. You can just repeat:

"I am not comfortable using that word in my presence, and if you use it, I will end the conversation."

4) Talk to this lady as little as possible.

[u/BlackEchoes]

Hey, I’m really sorry you’re going through this — it’s rough, especially with that awkward shift overlap at work. I totally get the confrontation fear; calling someone out on something as heavy as racism is no joke. You’re not alone in freezing up — I’ve been there too, and it’s awful feeling like your silence might’ve been misread.

You did the right thing reporting it to your boss both times, though. That’s more than a lot of folks would do. And since she’s been talked to twice now, it’s clear the ball’s in her court to fix herself — not your job to change her. Still, I hear you on wanting to speak up in the moment; it’s about feeling okay with yourself, right?

Since you’re already planning to chat with your therapist (great call!), maybe try starting small to get comfy with pushing back. Next time she says something off, a quick “Hey, that’s not cool” could do it. It’s simple, straight-up, and doesn’t turn into a big scene. I’ve found mentally rehearsing little clapbacks like that makes it easier when the time comes.

Stories like yours really hit me — I’m super into digging up how systemic racism shows up in everyday spots like work and how people deal with it. I actually write about these kinds of situations for my YouTube channel because I think folks need to hear more about racial injustice in society. It’s wild how common this stuff still is.

Hang in there — you’re not cool with her racism, and that’s what counts. You’ve got this!