I think I was in hell in my past life

[u/littleglazed]

This happened earlier last summer but the vision has not left my head.

I'm a novice practitioner by all means. Meditation is one of those things I know I should do but keep putting off. But i've always had a side interest in paranormal topics, and with my Korean upbringing, concepts such as reincarnation and karma were never foreign to me. So when I came across a hypnosis video that people claimed had they had good results from, I gave it a try.

Of course, nothing happened. At least the first time. However, it did put me into a pleasant, trance-like state. I'd been meditating semi-consistently for the first time in my life when I took to this video, and I could my practice and the video synergizing. I never fell completely under the hypnotic spell, but I did reach states where I finally understood religious art like this.. First jhana I guess.

The video also had the welcome effect of putting me to sleep. I started to fall asleep to the video while half-heartedly trying to "see my past life."

One of those nights, about halfway through the video, I entered, well, an especially hypnotic state. For maybe the first time in my life, I did not have a single thought in my head. I heard the words, but I wasn't processing them, and I felt more asleep than awake.

Then suddenly, abruptly and violently, a vivid, horrific vision of a screaming, contorted face appeared. A face, but it was not human. You know that famous painting, Scream by Edward Munch? That exact expression, but it was real and in front of me, its mouth agape in horror, the dark eye sockets sunken into its dark red skin showing every tendon. Truly, I cannot find the words to describe the agony this being was experiencing. Pure and utter suffering. It struck fear into the depths of my heart, fear like I'd never felt before.

All of this, I saw for less than a literal split second, because as soon as it happened, I got the FUCK out of that, as fast as I could.

I stared into the dark ceiling of my room, feeling my shallow breath and my heart pounding. Once my fear dissipate, my following reaction was honestly, shame. Shame at taking this past lives thing so flippantly. Shame at my pouting self-pity for the suffering I've had in this life, because it was child's play compared to what I had just seen. Blood on a birds foot.

Then I thought to myself, holy shit, was I in hell in my past life? What the fuck did my past self do?

Apparently, that is not considered a useful question in bodin's. I'm still morbidly curious.

Anyways, My pet theory is that my hypotonic state allowed me to access parts of consciousness that I should not have been able to with my level of practice. I knew about the warnings against attempting accessing without proper preparation, but I'd brushed it off — a part of me must've been skeptical. But holy shit, they weren't fucking around. And me — I fucked around and found out.

I haven't opened that video since... the vision, nor have I wanted to. The experience replaced most of my curiosity with fear, which is probably a good thing. I was treating this stuff too flippantly.

I'll occasionally revisit that brief, less-than-a-split second of pure, utter suffering. Tonight's one of those nights. And somehow, I'm still putting off consistently meditating, lol.

I do not quite know what to make of the experience. At least not yet. But whatever the fuck I did in my past life, I'm glad I was given a chance to be reborn as a human. Maybe that's the lesson.

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[u/tehmillhouse]

You seem to have some assumption that what happens in meditation needs to have some inherent meaning or cause. That leaves you open to believing any random shit your brain generates during a meditation session. I would strongly advise against this. The Buddha taught that the perceptions of the mind are to be treated as insubstantial, like a dream or like a soap bubble. He also declined to engage in any discussion about metaphysics. That's because of exactly stuff like this. The effects of meditation can easily range into the type of effects you'd normally need to take psychedelics for, except with psychedelics, people usually have the added context that what they'll be experiencing is purely an effect of the drug.

[u/littleglazed → u/tehmillhouse]

I guess it freaked me out, because it was like nothing I'd experienced before. Til then, meditation only existed to me as me trying to focus (and failing) or being in that range of pleasantly calm to ecstatic with most abstract, faint visuals — states very similar to MDMA or acid, now that you mention drugs.

This experience... well, it wasn't any of that. A violent vision is the only way I can describe it 😭 and lemme tell you I am not the type to get visions at all, and it came at a time when I was just trying to sleep. Meditation was the farthest thing on my mind actually. But you probably have a point about trying to attach meaning to anything, including this experience. After all, that is the crux of meditation.

[u/cmciccio]

>Anyways, My pet theory is that my hypotonic state allowed me to access parts of consciousness that I should not have been able to with my level of practice.

Based on what assumption might this be true? You saw something and are attaching meaning to it, why?

If you’re working with shame, work with that. why are you ashamed of? How can you act differently to lessen your shame? In why other ways do you act flippantly in your life? Do you take care of yourself mindfully and respectfully?

Use images symbolically, not literally. Observe the mind’s reactions to experience. If you take your reactions as objectively true you’re falling into a dangerous trap.

[u/KilltheInfected]

Boss, what you experienced is an age old thing called a fear test. I’ve been having out of body experiences since my second meditation in 2011. I’ve had hundreds since.

The test comes sooner or later for different people. A lot of what you experience in altered states is colored by your beliefs and fears. It’s incredibly important to limit them both. Some realities you can experience are very susceptible to how you feel (dreams being one of those types of realities), if you become afraid you will see terrifying things. You won’t last long in those states being afraid, it’ll knock you right back out.

The ability to experience these other realities and altered states is not necessary, but you are being invited to experience a larger reality and if you choose to continue down that path understand that you will be tested again. Fear is a handle by which others can control you. It’s the most primitive barrier to this whole thing. So if you feel you want to pursue this, pay attention to your own fear and assumptions, let them go, have courage and become still and silent. And then be curious, pay attention, and go with your intuition.

[u/Minimum-Abroad6584 → u/KilltheInfected]

First time I tried astral projecting through hypnagogic states, I was also met with the mental image of a snake attacking me, which immediately alerted me so much that I was completely thrown off. Is that what you mean with fear test? Does anyone experience this sooner or later?

[u/KilltheInfected → u/Minimum-Abroad6584]

Depends on how much fear you have and how afraid you are at the moment. What someone experiences will be different for everyone. Some go through it their first time out, some it takes a while. If you are fearless and ready, you might never experience it.

[u/evan_appendigaster → u/Minimum-Abroad6584]

I had a similar experience when I started playing with hypnagogic states that I'd categorize more as "surprise" than "fear" -- the visual was a woman suddenly bumping into a tree branch in front of me, causing snow to fall all around us, and her looking at me inches away meeting eyes with both of us being shocked and surprised. No fear involved, but a similar "startle" type effect as your snake attack.

[u/RevenueInformal7294 → u/KilltheInfected]

So you're proposing to stay in that state despite the fear? But also, calling a fear test makes it sound like someone is testing you, rather than that being a sort of archetype of how our mind functions. Also, while I've been curious about astral projection and hypnosis for a while, I never pursued it as I'm unsure whether it might be a hindrance towards stream entry / enlightenment. Do you have any thoughts on that?

[u/KilltheInfected → u/RevenueInformal7294]

It’s not someone that tests you. It’s just that being afraid is incompatible with holding those states for very long at all. It’s a natural blocker. Same with being excited. You have to become still on the inside to maintain it.

In those states you often get experiences that reflect what you feel, and if you become afraid and carry fear you’ll run into it real quick. Like I said it’s the barrier of entry for most people. And if you cannot overcome that fear with courage and quiet it until you are still inside, you won’t last long in those states.

Simple as that. It’s just colloquially called a fear test in the larger projection community. It’s just known as that because it acts as a test to see if you’re ready. It’s just something that happens that will determine if you are ready for that side of things.

[u/RevenueInformal7294 → u/KilltheInfected]

Ah I see, thanks for clearing that up! Is there a general consensus on whether being in those states is compatible with seeking enlightenment?

[u/KilltheInfected → u/RevenueInformal7294]

I don’t know about general consensus but in my experience they are not necessary at all, but I have an experience in meditation that was unlike all of them that I think my years of projecting helped get me ready for.

Where altered states and projection are like changing the channel on the tv, this was like noticing the tv for the first time.

I have a post about it in my history if you want to read about it.

[u/littleglazed → u/KilltheInfected]

i do wonder where i would've gotten if i had pushed through. but the fear was so visceral and real, there was no way. like you said, primitive.

at some point, i imagine i will pursue it again, but i will have to reach the state myself, not with any crutches like the hypnosis video.

[u/KilltheInfected → u/littleglazed]

It’s natural to be afraid at first, it’s something you likely haven’t consciously experienced before. Only way to remedy it is to be brave, have courage, and when/if it happens again, you go in watching your fear. See your fear and breathe, meditate, accept it, relax.. continue to have courage and face it. Let go more and more, and hopefully you can watch that dissipate entirely.

[u/_spacious_joy_]

The unconscious mind speaks in metaphor and symbolism. It is usually not productive to take it literally.

[u/Alan_Archer]

The Transverberation of Saint Teresa has nothing to do with the first jhana. It's a completely different experience that breaks you completely on the inside and leaves you hurting in sweet agony for days after it happens. She describes it more beautifully than I ever could, so I won't even try. But I can tell you with absolute certainty that is is NOT the first jhana. Or any jhana for that matter.

What I'm seeing here is a lot of misconceptions aligning at the same time and giving rise to something bizarre, almost like a type of half-conscious night terror or even a mild psychotic episode.

This is why the Path prescribed by the Buddha is EIGHT-FOLD.

You people decide to jump straight into Right Concentration, but you have NONE of the preceding Seven Factors, and then what happens? Micca Samadhi. And you break your mind and your soul in the process. Do this enough times and you're done for.

People REALLY need to start taking these things seriously, because they WILL hurt themselves, maybe permanently, and there's no one who can help you get out of that.

[u/Content_Substance943]

OP I feel you. Had a similar experience. Whatever it was, it scared the wits out of me!

[u/littleglazed → u/Content_Substance943]

maybe we were in hell together. lol jk

how did it happen and what did you see yourself?

[u/Content_Substance943 → u/littleglazed]

It was about 20 years ago. I was out partying the night before. Woke up severely hungover. I had a xanax laying around that my ex had left at my place. So gulped it down with the one beer I had left in my house. Hair of the dog and all. For whatever reason, that combo triggered my first ever panic attack. The rest of the day felt like day of the living dead. I was on earth but it didn't feel like it. That night I awoke from a hellish nightmare that was so "real" that I ran straight out my front door and up the block trying to distract myself from the impressions that were left from it. This "place" that I was "dreaming" about was a place I would not wish on even the most horrible people in the history of the world. Words cannot describe it. Wouldn't do it any justice. "Go to hell" is an expression that should be retired permanently. If everyone was blessed with an active divine eye that could see into the lower realms, crime wouldn't exist!

[u/vaporwaverhere → u/Content_Substance943]

Hard to believe that there are worse hells than some places of Earth.

[u/Cobra_real49]

I had a similar vision during a meditation once. A contorted monster screaming in agony and I had that WTF reaction. But I quickly went back to the image, because it got my attention. I focused on it and then suddenly that monster revealed itself: a teen memory, in which I had to kill a fish that I had fished. I couldn’t go till the end, but enough with the knife for the fish to squeeze in terror and agony.

So, maybe not hell, but any similar wrongdoing from the past could be the cause of such nimitta. The karmic response to some actions can be disproportional, at least that was what I learned that session. It helps me bring wholesome fear.

[u/littleglazed → u/Cobra_real49]

that's fascinating, and also kind of comforting to know that this is somewhat common place. a part of me wondered if i was especially fucked in the head. "wholesome fear" is a great way to put it. a part of me thinks i needed it.

i applaud you for having the gall to go back to the image because i noped out so fast. maybe in the future i can revisit the vision and find out what it was really about as well.

[u/Cobra_real49 → u/littleglazed]

I wouldn’t bother into digging deeper on this to be honest. It’s like interpret dreams, if you lose the fresh moment, then it quickly becomes a game of hypothesis, unfruitful. For one experience in which (I believe that) the cause made itself clear, I have several others in which it didn’t. What can we do, right? We let it go.

And wholesome fear is very useful, BTW. It is said to be one of the two guardians of the Dhamma. The other being wholesome shame.

[u/AllDressedRuffles]

If you are to believe that we’ve been reincarnating for billions and billions of eons, chances are we’ve all been in hell. Ive heard from some very nicely steeped individuals that theres no shortage of past life memories that can be accessed. Ultimately its not useful, its just a thought in the moment. A memory of hell is just as much of a memory as the memory of your breakfast this morning, it’s completely insubstantial. Also the fear is just an emotion, a pattern of energy. No biggie if you just notice it for what it is.