Background information

Practice tradition

I follow Thai Buddhism and am a part of the community at a nearby forest temple. I focus on teachings explained in the suttas and personal experience. I do have some experience with and knowledge of other traditions, primarily different teachers within Theravada, but also some Mahayana and Vajarayana. I am currently a part of Treeleaf Zendo, an online Soto Zen sangha, but I'm very much a beginner there.

Teachers and Community

In September 2017 I met my current in-person teachers. They both fall under the loose movement of the "Thai forest tradition." One is the abbot at the forest temple I visit (Ajaan Sombat), the other is the head of a meditation center in a nearby wat (Ajaan Rightwin). I am a part of the community of both temples.

In April 2018 I started talking to Dhammarato, a former monk who studied under Buddhadasa.

In May 2018 I joined Treeleaf Zendo, an online Zen group.

Books

Of all the Dhamma books that I've read, these stick out as I have returned to re-read them and regularly use them for guidance and inspiration.

• Handbook for Mankind, by Buddhadasa Bhikkhu. (available in Thai, English) This covers some core Buddhist teachings that are very important for practice. It got me into Buddhism more than any book I'd read before it, and I've returned to re-read chapters many times.

• The Mind Illuminated, by John Yates, PhD (aka Culadasa). I was skeptical when I first heard about this book. I eventually picked up a copy after hanging around here for a while and was pleasantly surprised to find that it lives up to the hype. This book provides the map/framework that I often use for my practice.

• With Each and Every Breath, by Ajaan Thānissaro Bhikkhu. (available from dhammatalks.org) I've read this book many times just by using it as a reference. It's full of great advice and encourages an active, joyful, and experimental approach to meditation. This has proved to be an invaluable supplement to TMI as it isn't so goal oriented and really helps with creating joy as well as learning through experimentation. It also has more material to be applied outside of formal practice. This book is derived from and expands on the short book Keeping the Breath in Mind and Lessons in Samadhi, by Ajaan Lee Dhammadharo. (available in English, Thai)

• Old Path, White Clouds, by Thich Nhat Hanh. A moving narrative of the Buddha's life. Since reading the book through I occasionally go back to read chapters for inspiration.

• Way of the Boddhisattva, by Shantiteva. This is my go-to text for firing up metta.

Suttas

• Bhaddekaratta Sutta - The importance of living in the present moment

• Saccavibhanga Sutta - An explanation of the four noble truths and the eight-fold noble path

• Mahacattarisaka Sutta - Noble right concentration as having right views on the noble path

• Paramattaka Sutta - On holding views

• Sabbāsava Sutta - Seven ways to deal with defilements/effluents.

• Satipatthana Sutta - Sermon on the four foundations of mindfulness. English, Thai

• Anapanasati Sutta - Sermon on breath meditation and how it fulfills the four foundations of mindfulness and the seven factors for awakening. English, Thai

• Dhatu-vibhanga Sutta English, Thai

• Handful of Leaves: an Anthology from the Sutta Piṭaka available here is one of my favorite resources in English. The book is available in volumes or as a massive whole. A good place to start is the Majjhima Nikaya.

• Chanting Books. I generally chant in translation - i.e. each line of Pali is immediately followed by the translation in Thai. An online version of one of the books I use in Thai is available here. An excellent chanting book in English in this tradition is available here.

Talks

I rarely listen to talks more than once. I usually listen to talks given by Ajaan Jayasaro, Ajaan Buddhadasa, or P.A. Payuddho. I also enjoy Ven. Thanissaro's talks.

On my retreat at the end of 2017 I used the talks from Rob Burbea's 2008 Samatha retreat that were recommended here.

Retreats

I've never attended a formal meditation retreat. I do regularly go on a retreat by holding the 8 precepts and staying at a Wat. For a short period of time, typically 1-3 days, I live similar to monks; I participate in morning and evening chanting, go on the almsround, eat one meal, do chores. In personal time I study and mediate, and occasionally talk with the monks, particularly my teacher.

Techniques

Anapanasati and Zazen

Recollection of breath. This is my foundational practice. I use it for sitting meditation, checking in during daily life, and during everyday walking. I currently use TMI in conjunction with With Each and Every Breath as my primary instructions. I previously used Buddho meditation-word, counting, and Bhante G.'s books.

On advice from one of my teachers, Dhammarato, I set an alarm on my phone to ring roughly every 30 minutes. When it rings, I close my eyes as a form of seclusion and take a few deep breaths, evoking feelings of success, happiness, joy, etc. This has had a huge impact on my happiness in life and has extended formal practice into everyday life, blurring the distinction between the two. At first he recommended taking only 2-3 breaths; after a week of this he recommended extending the duration when convenient.

I also sit Shikantaza zazen. I think that the process of 'just sitting' falls under anapanasati (assuming that the natural breath is noticed throughout the meditation). The lack of detailed instructions for meditation in the pali suttas leaves a lot of lee-way for specific techniques.

Metta

I wander far and wide with my choice of techniques. Sometimes I use a short script, sometimes long. I might just focus on myself then all beings or go through groups by difficulty. Other times I spread it directionally or spatially. On occasion I'll add in equanimity (upekkha) or a reflection on kamma at the end. Whenever I have a lot of accumulated ill will metta meditation feels magical. It's helped me improve reactions and interactions with others considerably.

Recollections

Moranasati Recollection of death. I make a point of reminding myself of this (and often reminding myself of old age and sickness while I'm at it) every day.

Body/corpse I don't do this one very often, but it's helpful from time to time to consider the impurity of bodies as well as their eventual decomposition.

Triple Gem - Buddhanusati (recollection of the Buddha), Dhammanusati (recollection of the Dhamma), and Sangkhanusati (recollection of the Sangha) are an integral part of morning and evening chanting. I've invoked them as a meditation object when strong emotions, like anxiety arise and are hard to deal with using more refined tools.

Danusati and Silanusati Recollection of generosity, morality. I don't make a point of recalling these often as they can easily be co-opted by the ego. Still, they can be really useful to gladden the mind when things aren't going so well.

Other

I've tried a lot of different things from various traditions, such as mantra meditation, nianfo, copying sutras, and sewing. I occasionally may do one of these if I feel like it, but I don't do any of them with regularity.

Practice log for /u/still-small

Much of the content in my log comes from my entries to the weekly "How is Your Practice?" thread. They are lightly edited here - the original comments are available by clicking on the date headings. Other entries are unique to this log. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to PM me.

Pre-2015

I casually studied the dhamma for several years, including occasionally meditating, visiting wats, talking to monks and practitioners. Towards the end of 2014 I read a dhamma book on the four noble truths, the eight-fold path, and other core doctrines. The clear picture of key Buddhist teachings along with definitions to dozens of Pali terms really sparked my interest in the Dhamma.

2015

I picked up a dozen books from well known monks and started meditating, this time with more purpose. Still, mediation practice was infrequent and didn't go very far. I enjoyed the calming break from everyday life, but I was mostly engaged in mind-wandering.

2016

I kept studying books and started listening to dhamma talks daily. I picked up my copy of The Mind Illuminated (TMI) and started using it during practice.

Although my practice wasn't very good, 2016 is when I'd say I really started practicing. Meditation became a daily habit; I sat for 5-15 min each day. I tried out many practices for the first time - mindfulness of death, metta, and walking meditation. I began to see the value in chanting.

I began to be involved in communities - I regularly went to the local wat, talked to monks, became friends with fellow mediators, and went on weekend retreats. I also found the community here.

I had a very interesting experience (while biking of all times) of feeling the cycle of momentary birth and death of the mind. It slightly loosened my sense of a permanent self. I think this was a partial glimpse of anatta, and a good sign that this path eventually leads to experiential knowledge beyond ordinary conceptual knowledge.

2017

27 April 2017

A little over a year ago I started diligently practicing every day. My practice has benefited from general stability in life - work is rarely stressful, I have sufficient income, and my family life is good. Despite that, I deal with everyday suffering. Funny how even when everything external is ok, the mind still creates suffering.

Sitting

This is my main meditation practice. I'm mostly working on developing attention and awareness using the breath. Sessions vary from 20-45 minutes with 30 minutes as the median. I practice each evening, and occasionally in the morning as well. I'm currently working on fully mastering TMI stage 3. A few weeks ago I felt cool sensations, I moved my attention to them, and the sensations changed to heat, I started sweating all over, and my mind seemed to unfold into an incredibly calm and aware state. I didn't really know what was happening and I pulled out of it.

• Note: Looking back I'm pretty sure this was my first real taste of piti, but I was confused by what was happening and so I panicked instead of investigating it further.

Chanting

I chant daily for about 10 minutes before my evening breath/metta practices. While chanting I get out some of my physical and mental fidgeting. A few thoughts here

Walking

When I first tried walking meditation, I experienced nothing but mind wandering. About two months ago on a short retreat I gave walking meditation another shot and moved beyond mind wandering. I usually mindfully walk to a nearby forest at a leisurely pace before starting the formal meditation. I note the sensations of walking in 3 or 4 segments per pace. For me, walking is a very enjoyable meditation and I usually walk for over 30 minutes. I do not walk daily, but I'm thinking about it (weather permitting).

Metta

Last year I searched around for instructions for mettabhavana, but none of them resonated with me. It felt like going through the motions, but the feeling wasn't really there. I picked up Loving-Kindness in Plain English last month and it really clicked for me. Since then I've spent 5-15 minutes each day feeling positively wonderful before transitioning to the breath. This has had a marked influence on my relationships with others and life in general.

Other thoughts/activities

I try to be mindful throughout the day. This may take the form of paying close attention to an action (such as drinking tea or walking), pausing what I am doing for a few breaths, or introspection when emotions arise (particularly emotions of greed, anger, or delusion).

I read dhamma books for a little bit each day and I often listen to dhamma talks while biking.

I observe the five precepts and try to follow the noble eight-fold path.

tl;dr Life is pretty good. Daily practice consists of ~10 min chanting ~10 min metta, ~30 min breath. In recent months I've started metta and walking meditations with good results.

14 July 2017

My life situation hasn't really changed (everything is still good :), but my daily suffering has gone down a bit. It's easier for me to see through and let go of little problems. Mindfulness and concentration are more present in mediation and in daily life.

Sitting

I'm consistent about meditating about 30 min daily, with extra sessions on the weekend. This last week or two I've really started to make sense of TMI ch. 1-4. I've read the ideas on paper many times and now experienced them in practice. The distinction between attention and awareness makes a lot of sense, as well as dividing out forgetting, mind wandering, dullness, distraction. At first it seemed like splitting hairs, but in practice it's valuable to discern what is happening to apply an appropriate method to work with it.

I feel like I'm making progress. I can feel more sensations of the breath, and I see how that keeps the mind occupied and attentive. Checking in keeps me from wandering off more than a few times in a sit. I don't worry about how much time is left and I want to keep sitting when the timer goes off. Maybe in a month or two I'll start adding time when I'm confident in my progress. In the past I've striven for longer times only to make mediation frustrating and create more hindrances.

Chanting

Most days I chant for 5-10 min before sitting. As my mind has been calmer, I enjoy chanting more and have started chanting for 20-30 min when I have the time.

Walking

I do walking sessions on the weekend. I'm more aware of the various sensations, but still am very prone to mind wandering. As my sitting practice is going well, I'm considering adding 15 min of walking at the end of sits.

Metta

I've been working on incorporating metta practice into chanting. It's a bit challenging as I don't have the paritta memorized so my attention goes back and forth between remembering, reading, and metta. Once I have the text memorized it'll be much easier to stabilize metta while chanting.

Other thoughts/activities

There is a lot more packed in TMI than first meets the eye! More and more good stuff shows up as I reread chapters yet again. Every time I reread a section I find more advice that is helpful for my practice. To complement my reading in the book, I've been spending time on /r/TheMindIlluminated reading through old posts. There's a wealth of advice there, particularly for the beginning stages.

I recall the inevitability of death every day, but recently this has spread into my life in more places. Instead of being a daily recollection, it's becoming a regular thought through my day.

tl;dr My mind and emotions have been calmer. TMI lives up the the hype; reread it often. Daily practice consists of ~15 min chanting, ~30 min breath, additional sessions as time permits.

08 August 2017

I'm in the middle of several major life changes after two calm years. These changes are planned - hopefully it'll be smooth sailing the whole way through. It has been positive so far and has exposed a lot of things that I wouldn't normally have to practice with. Part of me believes that major life changes will shake things up and lead to better practice. I only have a few months to use this opportunity before I settle down again.

Two weeks ago my phone broke. This really disrupted my sitting practice - setting a timer on my phone lets me release any concerns about time and focus on practice. Sans timer I'm prone to repeatedly looking at the clock/candle/incense and wondering about time. I worked with this obstacle for a week before I decided to use a mala (a.k.a. prayer beads) to track time.

With each in-breath I move my thumb up a bead, with each out-breath I pull the beads down so I can move onto the next bead. It becomes a semi-automatic process pretty quickly. Still, it requires a sliver of attention. When the mind completely forgets the breath, the beads stop. This provides an extra signal that the mind has wandered.

Meditating with a mala is reminiscent of walking meditation as it introduces a tactile sensations and regular motion (passing one bead with each breath) that are more obvious than the breath. It's easier to keep the meditation object in mind (even if it's in the back seat), but with the physical motion comes more awareness which often comes with distractions.

If I'm sitting or standing without anything to do, I can slip it off my wrist and meditate for a few minutes. This has helped boost mindfulness throughout the day. I suspect that this will be an invaluable tool over the next few months.

• Note: I used a mala for several months, but eventually dropped it as it distracted me from the breath, giving an opportunity for forgetting and mind-wandering to arise.

26 September 2017

Whew. It's been a crazy month. Life has had a number of major ups and downs. My living situation has changed radically. It's created good opportunities for me now and in the future, but a lot of stress came with it. There have been many obstacles, giving me plenty to practice with. A few highlights:

1. Purification. This last week was particularly tough as I experienced a major breach of trust and found out about several horrible things (some past, some present) that have happened to people I care about. Working through those emotions caused a new development in my practice - mental purification. I've been (primarily) in stage 4 for a few months now, but I hadn't had many experiences with purification. For several days every time I sat down I was immediately confronted with a wave of emotions collected up in the past few weeks. It required discipline and faith to keep sitting despite the emotional pain practice opened up.

2. Forest retreat. To more fully investigate those emotions, I went for a short stay a nearby forest temple, holding the 8 precepts and several of the dhutanga practices (austerities). After the first day I'd mostly released the emotions that meditation brought up. I felt peaceful, although my meditation was more or less the same as it's been in recent weeks. With the blocking emotions out of the way, parts my mind started to really fight against meditating more. Worldly pleasure, aversion, and sloth each showed up with surprising intensity. I've got a lot to do working on those. In a way, it was refreshing to see these problems so clearly. I suppose that's part of the benefit of a retreat at a forest temple. All the meditation, study, austerities, and various inconveniences make things clearer. I came back a bit humbled about how much progress I've made - there's a lot of clinging and identification to work on removing.

3. Teachers! I have two new teachers who I can regularly meet with. They have pointed out a few deficiencies in my practice and understanding. Additionally, working with them has given me a lot of opportunities for practice in various forms (lessons, talks, chanting, alms rounds, group sits, etc.) which is really nice.

4. More practice. I now primarily work from home which makes it much easier to meditate in the morning, as well as during the day when things are calm. As a result, I've been meditating a lot (2.5x) more. This freedom has turned walking meditation into a daily event instead of an occasional extra. My sessions are about as long as before (25-40 min), but I'm able to meditate several times per day instead of once in the evening.

5. Physical tension. Unbeknownst to me, I tend to hunch my shoulders slightly. In everyday life it doesn't matter too much as I'm regularly moving around, but with a lot of meditation it leads to tenseness in my shoulders. I've struggled with stiffness and pain during weekend retreats before, but I never figured out what caused it. Releasing the tension by rolling my shoulders back slightly interrupts my attention, however, it prevents me from becoming sore. It's also a nice check in that dullness has crept in.

3 October 2017

I've been feeling like my meditation has been progressing. I now spend more time practicing, and have the opportunity to talk to multiple teachers several times a week. Some of the recent changes in meditation have been a bit confusing - I've ventured into a lot of new territory after spending many months without much apparent change. I'm just starting to make sense of the theory for these new experiences.

I've had some experiences of purification going on that were triggered by a combination of increased practice and life events. It was initially emotional content, but it's since transformed into strong manifestations of individual hindrances. Some sits have been occupied with this while others have slid into textbook grade subtle dullness. Today I picked up TMI to start reading about stage 5 as I've been making good progress in stage 4. I was astounded by the description of the danger of subtle dullness - it perfectly matched my experiences for some recent sessions. I can hardly believe how accurate the description is. New territory means new techniques - I'm going to experiment with several:

• TMI style body scanning to increase mindfulness

• With Each And Every Breath style observation of the breath in various parts of the body. I read most of this book on recent retreats, but I haven't tried the techniques out yet.

• Meditation on the elements. My previous teacher taught me a traditional version of this before I moved, but I didn't try it out as I wasn't sure when or why I should use it.

My new teacher diagnosed me as having developed power of concentration (samadhi) that exceeded my current power of mindfulness (sati). His solution was to increase mindfulness through walking meditation, and recommended that I walk as much as I sit. I started to be more faithful about walking, but a broken toe set me back for a while. I'm now able to walk for sustained periods of time without pain (provided I'm wearing decent shoes) and will be trying to up my walking time.

My current teacher uses a breath based walking meditation, which is fairly different from the technique of observing the touch-sensation at the feet that I'd previously learned and used ocassionally. With Each And Every Breath also talks about breath-centered walking meditation. I've tried it out and I really like it. One thing I didn't like about focusing on my feet was how different the technique was from my sits. This technique seems to match my

I've been starting to more seriously look into details for how to enter jhana. It's clear that I have yet to develop sufficient concentration to get there (upacāra samadhi), but my better days have started to exhibit some similarities to more advanced states. I've been wondering about how to get from point A to B; TMI seems to have hit the nail on the head - it's mostly subtle dullness, although the beginnings of low-grade piti and related experiences (small flashes of light, strange physical sensations with no physical basis, inner heat, sensations of lightness) are manifesting. Following and connecting aren't as helpful now because I need to work on increasing mindfulness. Body scanning and extra walking meditation are about to become my new friends.

2018

1 January

A lot has happened in the last few months!

What's been happening:

• I was getting into stage 5 practice towards the end of many of my sits, but those techniques were exhausting. Between the tiring effects during practice and a few weeks traveling I ended up returning to stages 2-3 for the last month or so.

• Working on lower stages was a good chance to review and improve on earlier skills. There were a lot of details in TMI that I had been neglecting, such as the 4 step transition and looking for pleasant feelings.

• My fledgling walking meditation practice is almost a daily habit. I am very prone to mind-wandering while walking, but there has been some improvement in the sessions and it's useful to get more practice in each day.

• I went on a self led retreat at forest temple.

  • I'd only visited this temple once briefly, so it was a bit of a gamble how my stay would go. I spend most weekends at a local wat to hold the 8 precepts and practice meditation, but I've never stayed at that temple before or been on a formal or long retreat. This was my first retreat longer than 3 days.
  • I chose the location because of the simple conditions,ample opportunities to practice and few disruptions from the outside world. (Also because it's not too far from my house.) I enjoyed the physical location and the old-fashioned monastery lifestyle. I ended up leaving a few days early as I felt uneasy with the behavior of the two monks there.
  • I used Rob Burbea's talks from a 2008 samatha retreat as a guide. I really enjoyed the talks; the guided meditations were surprisingly useful for teaching techniques. I was able to work on things I've wanted to use in practice after reading sections of With Each and Every Breath, but hadn't been able to remember well enough to apply during meditation. I think that going forward I'll be referring to WEAEB regularly. The techniques seem similar to stage 5/6 in TMI which is at the edge of my progress.
  • Going in I was still working on stage 2/3, but after getting 5-8 hours of formal practice daily and many hours of informal practice in each day I made a lot of progress. I went through a couple rounds of emotional purifications and frequently was in stage 5, maybe 6.

• I wish that I'd reviewed stage 5 and read stage 6 before the retreat. I wasn't anticipating that I'd reach higher stages as a result of intensive practice - I was worried about dealing with frustration and disappointment if I didn't experience much progress and didn't prepare for my practice to advance.

• I broke new ground when I entered (whole body lite) jhana for the first time! My first evening back home I practically leaped to my cushion to practice. After some mild distraction, I quickly transitioned to the energy flows in whole-body breathing (something I only started to discern faintly during retreat) and some joy that felt like happy excitement welled up without much effort. I worked with this for the first 30 minutes of the sit, mostly in stage 4-5 territory (possibly stage 6 at times), although I was using Rob's techniques, not Culadasa's. Towards the end of my sit the sensations expanded to fill my body and turned into a comforting warmth. Then it deepened on it's own and I became very, very happy. There was a clear shift as the concentration and sensations became automatic. It was one of the happiest feelings I've ever had, although it didn't exceed levels of happiness I've felt at high points in life. I smiled so wide it was painful, so I told my mouth to stop, but it felt wrong to not smile, so I let a huge grin reappear as I felt bliss. I had to gently maintain a very slight amount of attention to the breath to keep it sustained, but it was mostly running on it's own. I wasn't so absorbed that I couldn't examine things a bit - for instance I could discern my body and mental states and make minor adjustments to either one. When my timer went off the state was starting to fade, so I let it dim out as I reflected on the positive conditions that allowed the state to arise. I'd estimate that I was in that state for about 2-3 minutes. I didn't have great concentration going into it, nor any idea how to sustain jhana if it starts to fade. I wasn't sure if this was a lite jhana or not, so I flipped to the appendix in TMI. Page 383 pretty much describes the circumstances of what happened. I feel ecstatic that this happened according to everything explained in TMI. It's amazing to see that jhanic states are truly possible and lite versions aren't as far away as I'd previously thought. This is a huge boost to my faith in the methods and the accuracy of the descriptions.

Current goals and concerns

• Post retreat I have a goal to sit for 45 min and walk for 30 min daily (previously was usually about 30 min/20 min). I've been wanting to lengthen my sits all year, but have had a lot of mental resistance when I've tried. During the retreat my standard sit was 45 min, with a few hour long sits.

• Hoping to meet with one of my teachers soon to discuss these new experiences. I've not talked to a teacher for many weeks.

• Play around more with my increased sensitivity to feelings in the body, adjusting the breath, observing internal energy, and generating piti.

• Deepen walking meditation.

• Continue to memorize suttas (or other inspiring texts) to make an internal resource I can turn to, and and copying suttas to slow the mind down to better digest the content.

• I'm trying to learn to observe and resolve tension and aversion before sitting lest it turn into restlessness and aversion.

• Read TMI stages 5 & 6 (along with the long interlude in-between them) to make sense of what I encountered on retreat. I also want to read a commentary on the Anapanasati sutta to get more perspective on practice, as well as dig into With Each and Every Breath to sharpen up my techniques. It's almost overwhelming how much theory there is between all those things, but I think it'll be relevant and highly beneficial.

There was a bit of discussion on the weekly thread that goes into some more detail about the retreat and jhana experience.

10 January

I have been listening to Thanissaro's talks at the beginning of each session. The jury's still out whether this is helpful or a distraction.

Yesterday evening I completely lost my temper (over something minor). I regularly feel annoyed at things, but seldom get angry. This time I lost it and became enraged. I felt vindictive and bitter towards everything. It felt like I could barely hold things in. I glared at everyone who crossed paths with me. I calmed down a bit within an hour or so, but I was very unhappy and on the edge of anger for the rest of the evening. I meditated for 20 minutes or so, but I didn't have the patience to sit for the full time, something that almost never happens.

30 January

For a few weeks I have had a lot of work to do resulting in pushing mediation sessions to the evening, shortening them back to 30 minutes, and not going on weekend retreats. By evening I've repeatedly made many excuses for not taking a break and meditating earlier, I'm tired, and there are distractions. When I finally end up sitting I struggle to stay with the breath and my mind often wanders thinking about various projects I'm involved in. Listening to a short talk at the start makes it feel easier to sit - I know I'll have something to entertain me. I still experience some positive emotions while sitting, such as relaxing, however, the more profound experiences and insights are absent.

14 February

I've been observing my mental state in everyday life more; I've allowed stress and unskillful thoughts to take over in many different ways. I'm not sure about the causality, but it's certainly connected to the decline of my practice. I'm trying to work on having more skillful reactions towards things and increasing mindfulness in everyday life. I also need to stop making excuses and go on a weekend retreat.

18 February

After a two-month hiatus, I went on a weekend retreat. It was only for one day (typically I go for two days), however, one day of retreat was so much better than going without. The temple I go to doesn't have anyone who is a skilled teacher, although the advice of some of the monks can be very useful. However, being with friends there and taking an opportunity to step away from household life to practice is precious.

25 March

A couple weeks ago I picked up a book at a nearby temple containing transcripts of questions and answers from a well known monk (one of my monk friends left my temple and went to study with this master shortly before he passed away). One answer talked about endurance while meditating. True mediators meditate whether they are hot or cold, hungry or full, sleepy or awake. This really struck me as I'd been making all sorts of excuses and putting off meditation until late. Even though I would eventually mediate, my mind was very scattered and didn't take pleasure in it at all. Sometimes it's best to meditate regardless of circumstances.

I've also started to focus back on TMI. I'd not been using the techniques given in the first few chapters, and my practice has really suffered as a result.

• Setting intentions using the 6 step preparation

• Grounding in the body with the transition and when returning after mind wandering

• Following and connecting

I've temporarily shortened my meditation sessions to keep them more focused. Shorter sessions have been very rewarding. I'll probably start adding time after a few more days. I've also been experimenting a bit with metta meditation, with some good results.

2 April

I did a one-day retreat this weekend. I had a chance to talk with one of my teachers, the abbot, for a while and ask him questions. Here is a summary of some of what I remember, condensed into three topics and translated to English.

Q. I'd like to learn more about sleeping in moderation. For months now I've been sleeping roughly nine hours a night, and often feel unrested. The Buddha taught the bhikkus to sleep in moderation. The suttas say that the Buddha slept in the middle watch of the night (22:00-2:00), and praised others who did likewise. He also taught using a gradual training of sila, sense restraint, moderation in eating, wakefulness, etc. (this pattern is found in many suttas, for example, Ganakamoggallana Sutta). How did they get by off of just four hours of sleep? Once it's dark I begin to feel sleepy, and I usually end up sleeping too much.

A. The Buddha taught that sleep, like eating is something that the body needs and is never satisfied with. Start with staying up a bit later than usual. There's no need to stick to the exact times given in the suttas. You can go to bed at 11 or midnight. Set the intention to get up as soon as you wake up. When you do wake up, get up immediately and rouse yourself, such as by washing your face and doing walking meditation. The Buddha also rested in the afternoon. Perhaps right after the meal (at the wat we have a single meal mid morning) or in the heat of the day you can lay down to rest for an hour or two. Again, set the intention to get up immediately after waking and get up to prevent sleepiness.

Q. How can I be mindful while doing physical chores - such as sweeping, washing, or gardening - using that time as an opportunity to practice?

A. Stay grounded in the present. Be mindful of the movements of the body and mind. Observe how everything arises and passes away. Maintain impartiality and don't cling to phenomenon. Have mindfulness aware everywhere.

Q. I've heard various opinions about lay practitioners regarding lay people using monastic practices, precepts, and habits. On the one hand, some monastic practices are not compatible with lay life, don't make sense outside of the monastic sangha, or would be improper to mimic (such as wearing a monk's robes). On the other hand, many of these practices have developed to help practitioners and holding precepts is a good thing. Other practices are simply practical wisdom - such as putting a towel over your head to keep mosquitoes off.

A. There is nothing wrong with using monastic practices in lay life. For instance, you can reduce your meals down to the single meal and save time and money, or you can reduce your clothing to a few sets and wash them by hand every day. Such practices simplify life and may help reduce attachment. Keep as many precepts as you'd like. Certainly keep the five precepts at home, and keep as many more precepts as you see fit while staying here. You can live part way between ordinary lay people and monks. Doing so will help your practice and may be useful should you ordain.

Practice has been a bit better. Focusing on the basic TMI techniques has been giving good results. I've started to get to stage 4 on occasion. This month I'll still be working on the skills in stages 1-3.

4 April

Shortening sessions to 20 minutes worked quite well - going in I felt that the session would be short, which put my mind at ease. It made it easier to stay with the breath and let distractions pass by. Some days I sat twice as it felt easy to sit for such a short period of time. I've since added time back on and have been sitting for 30 minute sessions without the restlessness and agitation I'd had before.

Agitation builds up when I think about meditating, but don't. This happens many times throughout the day. I usually work from home, so I can easily take a break to meditate, but I usually tell myself to wait until later. The different subminds conflicting creates agitation and by the time I sit it can be hard to focus. To prevent agitation, I'm trying to recollect the peace of meditation whenever I think about meditating instead of feeling frustrated that I didn't immediately meditate. I'm also trying to use the opportunity to pause for a few mindful breaths before returning to my activities.

I've tried my teachers advice on sleep out and have been getting up early feeling more refreshed. An afternoon nap and a strong intention to get up in the morning has worked well. I think part of the problem has been using my phone too much after waking up but before getting up.

When I bought TMI I was meditating daily, so I didn't pay close attention to the advice under stage one. This time around I'm picking up on more subtle aspects of the early stages that I'd previously missed.

I've noticed an issue as a result of working with mind wandering during the 6-point preparation (a-la TMI). After waking up from mind-wandering I congratulate my mind on waking up and rush back to following the breath - not the preparation I'd been doing. This leads to a lot of dullness throughout the session. It also makes it easy to feel that my concentration is better than it actually is. Instead of training the mind to be concentrated on a given object I was building a habit of focusing on the breath.This was a problem when I got to stage 5 as my mind easily wandered during body scanning and I found it very difficult to focus on other meditation objects.

I'd trained my mind to quickly get back on track without getting frustrated. Pre-TMI I was prone to frustration after mind wandering, which seriously hindered my progress. Now I'm adding to the habit of congratulating myself by checking in and setting intentions before gradually returning to the breath via the four-step transition (starting from stage 2, the body). So far this has been working well.

The fifth step of the six-point preparation, distractions, has proved to be tricky. Part of why I never have consistently used the preparation is due to the tendency to get lost in distractions while thinking about what distractions may arise. I've altered my approach to briefly review what thoughts and emotions have arisen since sitting down, including those that are currently present, and set an intention to set those things aside until after the bell. So far this has has proved to be much less prone to setting off mind wandering. I may change my mental cue from calling this step "distractions" to "check in on state of the mind." This also begins the four-step transition as I restrict my focus to the present and what distractions are currently arising.

I also recently noticed that the final step of the six-point preparation - posture - can be seen as checking the state of the body and relaxing it as necessary. This forms a nice pair with checking in on the state of the mind, and to me suggests scanning the body for tension rather than physically adjusting my posture. This seamlessly blends with the four-step transition as my focus is further restricted to the body.

At this point I'm not only done with the six-point preparation, but I'm also partway through the four-step transition. As the body is relaxed it's natural to notice the sensations of breathing and restrict focus to them. It makes sense to use the same pattern with the body and relax breathing as well. I like Ven. Thanissaro's approach in With Each and Every Breath a lot, and I think that his instructions on observing and adjusting the breath are very practical.

This last two steps help make meditation much more enjoyable. When I enjoy meditation it's easy to sit, easy to sit longer, easy to become concentrated. I don't get frustrated and tied up in expectations. Making meditation enjoyable provides energy that turns into diligence and piti and sukha as concentration improves.

Finally, I think I'll also start using counting as described in TMI. When I first started meditating (pre-TMI) I used various counting techniques. They often led to frustration after problems arose: (1) forgetting counting before reaching the end and (2) counting past the goal. As a result, I've not used counting much. I've since learned how to be kinder on myself and Culadasa's advice on dropping counting after reaching 5-10 seems spot on.

10 April

I considered reaching out to Dhammarato after seeing Noah's post a year ago, but decided against it. I didn't know how to introduce myself by email, so I called him out of the blue today (we live in the same time zone). Our conversation was very enjoyable and easy. It wandered through many areas of Buddhism, both in Thailand - where we both live - and in the West. He expounded the Dhamma, flying by many of the important suttas and ideas expounded by Buddhadasa. He studied under Buddhadasa; Buddhadasa was the first teacher whose books I turned to to learn the Dhamma.

He advised me to stick with my regular practice, and didn't have any suggested reading right now. However, he gave me an additional practice to do - being aware of the breath throughout the day. The practice is to close my eyes and take a few deep breaths every 30 minutes, focusing the mind on the breath. I've never used a mindfulness bell or external triggers to deliberately bring practice into my day without regard to what I am doing. I like the idea of pushing practice into spaces where it usually doesn't play a role. He talked about it as a type of seclusion within lay life. I rather like that view of it. It feels a bit like TMI checking in, but for regular life instead of sitting meditation.

The other main piece of practice advice he gave was feeling successful and satisfied whenever returning attention to the breath. Creating pleasant associations with meditation and awareness has been an important part of my practice as of late, getting some personal advice was nice.

11 April

I've been continuing my back-to-the-basics return to the early stages of TMI after some setbacks that sent me back to stage 1. Focusing on the basics has been fruitful - two weeks ago I was focusing on stage 1. For the last week I've been at stage 2, and am currently running into all the obstacles listed in stage 3!

Strong dullness has been showing up in some of my sits and I'm glad to see it! I'm much more familiar with antidotes and am willing to to use the bigger guns instead of ending practice or avoiding practice altogether. I like to use a few deep, sharp breaths to start; deep breaths rarely dispel the dullness, but they make it clear that dullness is present. Most of the time opening my eyes for a few breaths then letting them close on their own is enough, but I will resort to meditating with my eyes open, pulling my earlobes, moving around, and even standing up if necessary. If I am tired before meditating I'll splash cold water on my face before sitting, take a shower before sitting, or opt for walking meditation.

Although I'm in stage three territory, I've not started to use connecting, checking in, or labeling - I feel like I've got enough on my plate to work with for now. I expect that within the next week I'll start labeling and checking in. I wan to hold off on connecting - it's not necessary and in the past I didn't benefit from it. For now, following with clarity while maintaining extrospective awareness is enough of a challenge.

As one of my teachers advised me when we first met, it's helpful to take a few moments at the end of each formal meditation session to evaluate the session, to note what worked well, what hindrances arose, what wholesome states arose. Here are some takeaways from this morning's sit:

• After realizing the breath has faded into the background and distractions have taken over the foreground I don't feel as pleased about waking up as I do after full-blown mind wandering. My current solution is to recognize that waking up to distraction before forgetting and mind wandering is progress! The feeling of waking up is diminished because forgetting never happened. I've caught things before they've progressed to far. Last time around, before my practice declined, I missed this opportunity to positively reinforce awareness.

• I let myself fidget (e.g. scratch itches, straighten my posture) as a reaction to discomfort without first observing the desire to move and intentionally moving after a short wait. This spills over into other bad habits, such impatience and mind wandering.

13 April

I now see a clear distinction between forgetting -> mind wandering and gross distraction - > forgetting. It took me a long time to see the difference conceptually, and I'm finally clearly discerning between them clearly, which makes it much easier to react appropriately. The moments of consciousness model really helps explain the spectrum.

As a result of checking-in during the day and lots of intentions to really enjoy increased awareness and sensations of the breath, mindfulness of the breath arises all the time throughout the day now. Some of it is spontaneous recollection of the breath sensations, some of it is wanting to enjoy the pleasure. This has really made my life happier as I can experience a short period of peace and joy on command. This in turn makes it easier to let go of attachments and dukkha that arises.

14 April

I had another great discussion with Dhammarato. This time there was a lot of tangents of general knowledge. It's fun to go back on forth on various subjects. The bulk of his dhamma teaching was dependent origination, which is really starting to make sense.

He also talked about not getting attached to views of stages - there's only the present to work with. He gave the Zen poem of "sitting quietly, doing nothing, spring comes, the grass grows." I think that with my renewed focus on TMI I've been trying to measure my practice and progress in unwholesome ways. Progress is being fully satisfied with the present! I've got a lot to learn about not striving.

I asked him about if it's worth taking steps to get physical seclusion for formal practice, but he skirted the question and pointed me back to the practice of checking in on the breath as a form of seclusion. I think that it's a bad idea to attach to physical seclusion. It's easy to be dissatisfied with external circumstances and blame them for problems in meditation instead of working with the mind in the present. That being said, when the opportunity to meditate in a secluded place arises I think it's wise to take it.

I was going to ask him about techniques for walking meditation, but we ran out of time. I've alternated between using the breath sensations as the focus and the walking sensations as the focus. In the evening I answered my own question - for formal walking meditation I should use the sensations at the feet to practice having sustained and applied concentration on an object of my choosing. In the past I fell into a trap of creating a habit of observing the breath instead of training the mind to get the skill of directing attention. Having a formal practice that uses a different object should help me develop the correct skills. Outside of formal practice, while walking here and there I'll use the technique of observing the breath to have a pleasant form of awareness.

Practice - Performance - Play

15 April

The six point preparation went very smoothly today! It's easier to set helpful intentions and evoke appropriate feelings at each step without getting distracted or lost in mind wandering. During the preparation I went from feelings of strong dullness to no dullness from intentions and attention alone. After that the session was very, very active as I started to practice using labels and checking in. As a result of all the activity, it felt like time passed by slowly. Asked about that here.

I'm trying out labeling again. To keep things as simple as possible and avoid over-analyzing distractions, during todays sit I used a few predetermined labels - "seeing," "hearing," "thinking," "remembering," "planning." This worked rather well; these labels cover most of the gross distractions I encountered. I'll be adding in "body sensation," and "wanting/desiring" to help still myself when impulses arise, such as an itch or a desire to check the clock.

Using labeling kept the mind out of distractions and close to the breath. However, it added in a lot of introspective awareness, almost too much. I noticed a tendency to search out a new object (a subtle distraction) to label after labeling a gross distraction. This quickly falls into trying to eliminate all distraction and creates tension and is a form of mind-wandering as attention is not focused on the meditation object. A wiser approach is to take a very satisfying breath, enjoy heightened awareness of the breath, then gently return to the meditation object.

16 April

Yesterday/this morning I felt a bit ill. After feeling better physically, I had a lot of strong negative emotions. Everything felt slow - I couldn't keep up with the world around me or hold a basic conversation. I became jumpy, every little sound was interpreted as something dangerous out to get me. Overall I felt terrible and dissatisfied. After hours of this I went and did slow walking meditation, was able to build up concentration and let go of the emotions. That brought me back to a normal state - I could keep up with everything and wasn't jumpy or miserable. I'm not a progress of insight guy, but it sounded similar to some people's discussions connected to progress of insight, particularly dukkha nanas, so I went and looked up a map.

If these are part of the dhukkha nanas, then I crossed A&P end of last year when I started feeling sensations of energy currents, piti, and the first jhana. Meditation became natural and easy, and I sat a lot. I gained immense faith - meditation was distinctly non-mundane, and the more advanced things I'd heard about finally seemed real and possible. After a week the magic ended and practice became incredibly hard. It was difficult to get mild pleasant feelings while meditating. Concentration fell apart. My sits became short and I abandoned some early. I blamed external circumstances for the decline in my practice. For a while I considered quitting practice altogether, positive benefits be damned. For about two months my practice was a ghost. I mostly just sat in mind-wandering and discomfort. Over the last month I've been able to start picking up the pieces and move on.

I talked to Dhammarato about it, but he discouraged trying matching up experience with the map until passing stage 11. Nevertheless, I find some comfort in the map. It creates a new story - I've been in a difficult phase of practice and didn't realize this was normal. This is a very different story than my previous understanding - I let my practice decline, I've not been doing well.

http://kennethfolkdharma.com/2011/03/the-idiots-guide-to-dharma-diagnosis/

https://www.reddit.com/r/streamentry/comments/5mfd9g/vipassana_progress_of_insight_diagnostic_tools/

17 April

Approaching practice in a relaxed manner.

I often have feelings of procrastination around sitting. TMI states that ideally you should meditate at the same time every day. I currently don't have a set time in my daily routine for meditation. I'm going to experiment and find a time that meditation can naturally fit into my day.

TMI briefly talks about training motivations and intentions until sitting down and meditating feels natural. On retreat, or on days when my mind is particularly calm it feels very natural to sit. Other times it feels unnatural as my mind is agitated. Perhaps if I change my concept of meditation to 'learning about the mind' instead of 'something I must do' I'll be more open to sitting when the mind isn't calm.

This all fits into the bigger goal of making meditation a pleasurable activity; focus on the positive, pleasant elements of each session.

I've begun reciting the Zen poem

sitting quietly,
doing nothing,
spring comes,
and the grass grows by itself.

at the expectations step of the six-point preparation. It's a gentle reminder to not get tied up in expectations and allow the practice to unfold.

New practice

Dhammarato has given me a many additional things to incorporate into my practice.

• As I've identified that my mind tends to default to planning mode, he's instructed me to dig deeper and examine why I'm planning - what danger is this trying to avoid?

• Bringing breathing into the body. I've been doing this already with TMI and WEAB. I'm going to spend more time observing the body and all the sensations of the breath.

• Working with feelings. This has two parts (1) Whenever I am aware of an urge to scratch an itch, I'm going to try and observe the feelings that arise and not give in and scratch it. (He called this scratching the itch with the mind.) I've not been very good at this during meditation, let alone throughout the day, so this should be quite the challenge. I'm excited for it though - after being sick a few days ago I realized that I need to improve how I handle discomfort and pain. I can disassociate from minor pain in many situations, but not consistently. (2) Observing and exploring sensations of pain or discomfort that arise during formal sitting meditation. Whenever pain appears, try to pinpoint it in the body and examine the sensations. As a side note, he doesn't recommend strong determination sits to push through pain. It's not necessary to damage one's knees to become an expert meditator.

• Extending the duration of the mindfulness bell meditation. Currently I've been closing the eyes every 30 minutes and watching just a few breaths. How he wants me to extend these mini-meditations to be longer, and incorporate the other practices he recently recommended.

23 April

I realized that instead of referring to good or bad sits, I can talk about the qualities of concentration, awareness, joy, etc. It's always seemed unhelpful to call a sit 'bad, but I couldn't think of a better way to distinguish different sits until now.

Itching and scratching! For the first day or two after being tasked with using desires to itch as an opportunity to observe feelings I was constantly itchy! It became so bad that I started to unconsciously scratch them without using my hands :D Since then it's calmed down a bit and has been a nice (albeit uncomfortable) way to practice. Sometimes I get caught up in the sensations, which turns a mild itch into an intense desire (a desire I often cave to). Other times I can keep my distance and observe it without getting caught up in it - causing the itch to fade away.

I talked with Dhammarato again today. I've not called him in a while as I feel like I needed to spend more time with the current practices. Our conversation turned into a short practice checkup. I was only given one additional thing to incorporate into practice - being aware of my hands along with the mental states that arise when touching or grasping. He gave an additional suggestion of trying a mindfulness bell throughout meditation.

After discouraging speculation regarding progress of insight last time we talked, Dhammarato identified me as being in stage 8 after I discussed where I've been in practice and life. When I was speculating last week my guess was 7 - not too far off. I don't really know if there's anything to do about each stage - it seems like they come on their own as insight develops unconsciously, and the only thing there is to do is keep practicing.

24 April

Today's meditation was joyful. Although the mind wandered many times, I didn't feel frustration and naturally reapplied attention to the breath by taking a pleasurable breath. I initially set the timer for 20 minutes, but at the end I was enjoying meditation so much that I added another 10 minutes on. It was very nice to enjoy the last 10 minutes of meditation instead of being anxious to get up.

I've been reading the Satipatthanasutta and realized that I've developed sati without realizing it. I'm aware of a lot more things, both feelings and the mind. This is frustrating, as I often see in the moment, or shortly thereafter, that I'm engaged in or just engaged in something that will lead to suffering or is causing suffering. Spotting unhelpful mental habits while or shortly after they occur should be seen as progress. This is a part of being aware of feelings in the feelings and mind in the mind.

Just like during meditation practice, I can enjoy having introspective awareness and with practice use awareness to see the formation, existence, and dissolution of the feelings as they arise. Outside of meditation it's time to perform and use the skills I practice to not get caught up in the feelings and thoughts, particularly frustration when insufficiently mindful. There's a progression from seeing dukkha -> seeing the arising of dukkha -> seeing the passing of dukkha -> understanding the path.

Increased awareness is giving me a huge amount of material to work with! Expanding awareness will help me see the entire process, beginning to end. According to the progress of insight model, I'm currently catching things at the end. That seems to be a good explanation. A lot of the frustration comes from seeing things late enough that they've already caused suffering.

25 April

I've been reading Thich Nhat Hanh's (TNH) translation of the Satipatthana Sutta and the Anapanasati sutta, along with his commentary. This translation is an adaptive translation, not a literal or semantic translation. I usually steer clear of freer translations as I want to understand the text as it was written, however, TNH's style and interpretation have proved very helpful in seeing ways of applying the teachings in these suttas. Even better, he has an extensive commentary that gives dozens of exercises to use the teachings in daily life.

For the Anapanasati sutta, he provides simiple gathas (poems) to use with the in-breath and out-breath that correspond to the 16 parts of anapanasati. I decided to use them for one of my sits this morning. After going through the usual 6 point preparation and 4 part transition as per TMI, I used the gathas in order up to joy (5th step of anapanasati). The newness of the technique was enough to keep attention strong and I started to do whole-body breathing during the step of being aware of my body and calming my body. (Anapanasati steps 3&4) That lead to piti! I've not had piti arise for more than a few seconds for months now. That lasted for a few minutes until attention started to become scattered and I downshifted to being aware of the in-breath and out-breath.

Anapanasati Gathas

Breathing in, I know I am breathing in.
Breathing out, I know I am breathing out.

Breathing in, my breath goes deep.
Breathing out, my breath goes slow.

Breathing in, I am aware of my whole body.
Breathing out, I calm my whole body

Breathing in, I know I am alive.
Breathing out, I feel the joy of being alive.

Breathing in, I know I have the opportunity to meditate.
Breathing out, I feel happy to have that opportunity.

I've never really considered using gathas as a way to practice before. In Thai tradition, gathas (คาถา) are always in Pali and usually are used as a magic spell. I once met a monk who tried to give me Pali gathas to accompany various actions, such as sweeping temple grounds. He insisted that there was a verse to accompany every action, but didn't explain the meaning or usefulness. As I didn't see the value in reciting words I didn't understand, I ignored his teaching and never learned any gathas from him. I now wonder if those gathas were meant as a reminder to have mindfulness, not some mystical spell. I might have turned away a great gift of dhamma in ignorance.

In any case, I'm now trying out using some TNH gathas to provide cues to be mindful throughout the day. Each of them is connected to an activity, such as eating, sweeping, hearing a bell, gardening, etc. I've selected a couple dozen that spoke to me and fit in with my life to try out for the next few days. I'm hoping that these verses will insert a pause in my regular thoughts and call my mind back to the present. I might put some up around my house to provide a visual trigger (as well as remind me of the words).

I wanted to learn more about this practice, so I went on an online hunt. TNH was trained to use gathas from a book he was given while a novice. He calls the book "Gathas for every day use" by Du Ti. In searching for that book, I found that its gathas are based on the Purifying Practice chapter of the Avatamsaka sutra. Continuing on my search, I went and read that chapter. While looking for a translation of that chapter, I found out that there is a book called "Vinaya Essentials For Daily Life" by Duti based off of that chapter. That book is available for free online as a part of a book on monastic training entitled "Teachings and Rites for Sramaneris/as." The books is marked as being for monastics only under the vinaya, but as I'm not a monk, let alone Mahayanist, I don't think that that vinaya applies. A lot of the verses involve triggers specific to monastic life, serving as an aid to mindful vinaya practice. The stanzas in the Avatamsaka sutra as well as the versions given in Vinaya Essentials are mostly wishes for all beings to obtain enlightenment in one way or another, but many are recollective in nature. In "Stepping Into Freedom: An Introduction To Buddhist Monastic Training," TNH talks about "Vinaya Essentials For Daily Life." He says that it's been studied and used in Vietnam by novice monks and nuns for centuries (which makes me think that "Gathas for every day use" is just a different title for Vinaya Essentials). TNH has written dozens of gathas (Steeping Into Freedom, "Present Moment, Wonderful Moment," and the Plum Village chanting book, along with various websites have them.) Almost all of them are of the reflective type and speak to a generic modern audience instead of a Buddhist monastic.

26 April

Yesterday I had the afternoon free, so I went to a nearby pond to relax and meditate. Relaxing in a hammock was very pleasant, but I ran into an obstacle while meditating - ants. I've run into bugs countless times (particularly mosquitoes), but I've never had dozens of ants crawl on me and bite me. I couldn't sit still for more than a minute or two before having to move again. The large ants tickled, and the small ones had extremely painful bites. The bites are only painful while the ant is still biting, so I invariably opened my eyes to flick the biting ants off to stop the pain.

I've learned to sit through leg pain, and usually can stop myself from scratching itches or opening my eyes to look for the source of a sound, but ants are out of my league for now. Unlike mosquitoes, I'm not sure how to keep them away. As of now, I can't sit still with harmless unpleasant sensations.

27 April

Today was a rough day. I had a lot of object-less ill-will starting early in the morning. The ill-will latched onto different circumstances throughout the day. It's interesting to watch an emotion use a circumstance that occured after the emotion first arose as an excuse for itself. It'd be like eating a doughnut and then getting a stomachache, but then claiming the stomachache made you eat the doughnut

I tried various techniques to get rid of it, with limited success. Breath, work, and metta meditation temporarily abated the hindrance, but it gradually returned in each case.

By evening it'd faded away on its own. It's probably just a part of the dukkha nanas. Keep on practicing.

28 April

I really like having the gathas. They provide a good opportunity to be mindful of where I am and what I'm doing.

30 April

The future may be the default resting place of my mind, but during today's sit I was dealing with some past pain. I'm subject prejudice regularly, and encountered it several times this morning. It's dehumanizing. I recognize that racial stereotypes are present in all cultures; stereotyping is a natural occurrence, one that often stems from ignorance, not malice. For the first time I realized that the way to get rid of it isn't to avoid those people - it's to expose them to me more so that they can overcome their preconceived notions.

The dhamma has the flavor of liberation in the beginning, in the middle, in the end. If there isn't a feeling of release, I'm probably doing it wrong. Maybe I'm binding myself with expectations or narrow views, letting desire reign, or being unaware of body, feelings, and mind.

1 May

Yesterday and today I've experienced drowsiness. On observation, it happens as I focus on the breath without forgetting for a period of time, extrospective awareness fades away, and my mind becomes progressively more dull. It's pretty easy to spot sinking by observing if extrospective awareness has collapsed or not. Just observing it is enough to wake up to the external world. Having aroused external awareness, shifting attention to sounds, bodily sensations, and sights (if I've opened my eyes as an antidote) helps me watch out for sinking. Turns out that's recommended by TMI. Never cease to be amazed by how much is packed into that book. Every time I re-read a section I pick up on details that I'd overlooked or forgotten about.

2 May

Yesterday I talked to Dhammarato. I'd prepared a summary of what has been happening in practice lately, but I didn't express it very well. He ended up re-teaching me things from previous conversations. It sounds like he's got enough students now that he can't keep track of what he's talked about as much.

I've talked to Dhammarato for about 10 hours, 15 minutes total.

He recommended increasing sits to 45 minutes - something that I've wanted to do for years. I've struggled a lot with impatience and waiting for the bell. A lot of that comes from my old timer app - it wouldn't always go off to mark the end of the session. I'd end up sitting worrying about the timer. Between cultivating joy and making sitting "easy" by shortening sits for the last month, I've mostly overcome aversion to sitting. And with a bell ringing every 5 minutes throughout the sit, I don't feel impatience or worry about how much time is left. The bell provides an natural opportunity to check in on my mind and cultivate joy as I do throughout the day.

So, today I sat for 45 minutes. About 25 minutes in I experienced a drop in energy, and was able to carefully use antidotes to dullness (this time I used intentions, deep breaths, and opening the eyes partway) to energize the mind just enough to not fall into sinking. Forty minutes in I began to feel various desires - hunger, pain, need to pee, itches. I was able to mindfully observe these and maintain my sit. Except for automatically scratching an itch during the first 5 minutes, I didn't move my hands or legs as there was no need to do so.

Yesterday I did formal walking meditation on the path in my back yard. I tend to think about the path too much as it's a dirt path that is kept free from weeds by my walking, and pulling out vines that grow over it. After the first 10-15 minutes my mind calmed down considerably. I considered sitting down to meditate, but decided that I would benefit more by continuing walking.

I've been reading the Diamond Sutra for the first time. It seems like nonsense at times, but a couple times I've experienced a flash of insight that resolves one of the paradoxes. This is the first time I've ever had a koan (or koan like statement) really resonate with me. I've yet to finish the sutra, but it's already become one of my favorite sutras (and the only Mahayana sutra that I really resonate with). I can see a lot of value in memorizing sections to contemplate.

3 May

Last night I dreamed about the Diamond sutra, or rather, after waking up, I felt like I'd had a dream infused with the insight I'd had the day before. The dream didn't have any sort of visual content. Hopefully it was integrating insight into my brain.

Today I sat for 45 minutes, and at the end I wanted to keep sitting. However, for over half the sit I got to work with bodily sensations and feelings as a fly constantly flew around and wandered all over by body. I twitched many times to get him to move, and opened my eyes a few times, however, I did not react by opening my eyes, swatting the fly, and rubbing the itch. Most of the time I watched the sensations internally, eyes closed, body still.

The sit had a lot of dullness and distraction; I didn't perceive the breath clearly. I did avoid drowsiness. Next time I will try to check in more frequently, and looking for dullness, not just distractions.

Today I talked to Dhammarato, this time was theory focused. We talked about right view, the fetters, the four noble truths, and the path to sottapana. The conversation was just part 1 of several on the topic, I'm looking forward to fleshing the topic out further.

I did a number of extra things to be nice to my wife today. She got mad over a trivial matter and strongly expressed that I had no consideration for her. I was pretty baffled, as I was in the midst of doing something for her, and she knew that. I came to realize that she doesn't quite care about being nice to me per say - she cares about doing what she perceives to be what a 'good wife' should do. That has little regard to my actual desires, which are an obstacle to her fulfilling her desire to meet her ideas of what I want. It's a fully selfish process that masquerades as being selfless.

I asked her if she really believed what she'd been saying (she'd said a lot of things intended to be hurtful out of her self-inflicted emotional pain). She apologized if her words hurt me, but refused to acknowledge that she'd been saying patently false statements. After that she started wheeling and dealing into past events, contradicting her self all the way. When a mind feels hurt, it tends tries to give out the same. It didn't matter that everything she was pulling out of her ass was absolutely false.

Walking away from the situation, I can see that I handled things pretty well. I stayed away from anger and didn't say anything out of spite. Still, I felt a strong need to remind her when she was saying false things - not deliberate lies.

7 May

On the 4th-6th I continued to work with dullness a lot.

Today I put up my wall of ancestors in my meditation area. Two years ago I encountered Thich Nhat Hanh's practice of "touching the earth," while staying in the temple library on retreat. The practice involves bowing to blood ancestors, spiritual ancestors, the land, loved ones, people who have caused suffering, and spiritual roots. When I first did it, I was struggling with feelings of being cut off from my childhood religious roots. When I first did the practice, I cried. Since then I have gradually changed the words to provide additional personal meaning, and continue to do the practice from time to time. In the last year I have only done it a few times. This time, instead of tears I smiled with peace and joy for most of the practice. There are still unresolved tensions in some areas - I hope to re-write some sections to help me resolve inner conflict.

Since my insight after reading the Diamond sutra I've had a new ways to look at things - seeing the dual relationship of the self and the other as a sort of false dichotomy, as well as seeing everything as a product of the mind. It's been very interesting to have new ways of looking at experience. Another result is that I've been studying Zen materials, and, unlike before, they make sense and seem useful. I've privately taken the four great vows. I've read them many times before, but they never spoke to me. Now I find them motivating and am using them at the start of meditation during the motivation phase.

The first vow began to make sense when I was on retreat end of last year. I began to practice not just for me, but for my wife and others. Seeing how suffering arises in the mind, not external circumstances, and practicing metta and compassion has really helped me see that I don't want others to suffer, I want them, along with myself, to keep themselves free from suffering.

Today's sit was only 40 minutes long, but I didn't have a clock nearby, and only had one bell during the sit. I didn't have any strong feelings of impatience or anxiety arise. Furthermore, I didn't have strong dullness for the first time in several days. There was still subtle dullness present, but it didn't progress.

8 May

Today I sat zazen for the first time. It was refreshing to sit without judgement or trying to do anything. I noticed more subtle forms of greed and aversion that I'd not noticed before.

I talked to Dhammarato today. We had a fun back and forth as he poked at my ideas of zazen and Zen as opposed to my current practice and study under anapanasati and Theravada. His teacher (and my teacher through him and books and talks), Buddhadasa, studied and translated Chan (Chinese Zen) texts. I don't think that they are the same, but a lot of the divisions I perceive are a result of not fully appreciating both perspectives and traditions.

He recommended antidotes for dullness in the following order: immediately taking several deep breaths followed by additional deep breaths several minutes later as needed, rubbing arms then noticing the resulting sensations, then opening the eyes, then standing and walking meditation. He gently discouraged using the later approaches and recommended sticking to breathing and rubbing if possible. I've been using opening my eyes more lately as it tends to wake me up, but he warned that it's often more than necessary and will bring one out of the later jhanas. Opening my eyes is fine for now, but it's best to use the earlier approaches.

The bulk of our discussion focused on right view. We read from MN 117 (Mahacattarisaka sutta). Although I've heard the terms of the mundane and the noble path before, I've never had a sense of what differentiated them. It was ... awe-inspiring? disconcerting? I'm not sure how to describe the feeling. Although I don't fully understand the difference, I feel distinctly different. This isn't an ordinary teaching.

A couple of things he talked about occurring are suspension of judgement and a desire to repent - both of which feature in Christian thought.

Changing from protecting the self to ending suffering.

Breath through skin

Thinking something is right doesn't mean it's right.

Letting go of a fixed view of self leads to compassion.

He added two additional practices

• Walking and moving silently
• Separating standing up from walking

As he's given me many such practices gradually, here's a list of what I'm doing so far:

• Mindfulness bell

• Observing itches (and other sensations) without reacting

• Bringing mindfulness into my body

• Exploring pain

• Exploring the planning mind

• Observing my hands after mindfulness bell

• Walking and moving silently

• Separating standing up from walking

I could add a lot more things, but I feel like these cover the main points. Most of the rest are

9 May

I spend a lot of time on my phone (or computer). I don't spend enough time grounded in the present moment. It's possible to mindfully access the internet, but it is easy to become distracted.

14 May

I've now sat Zazen for a week. I've been working through the series of "sit-along" videos for beginners at Treeleaf Zendo. In several of the clips the teacher, Jundo, starts off with a quirky object lesson. It was a bit off-putting, but I decided to set that aside and focus on the teachings. Those object lessons are memorable. Each clip is fairly short, and is meant to be followed by zazen. Initially I felt that sitting after each clip was slowing my learning down. But now I see that it's helping me absorb the content of each clip more. I don't have to rush through the whole series to be sitting correctly - I just need to sit!

I've not finished the series yet, but I now see that Zazen and Anapanasati aren't very different. They are taught in different ways, and are surrounded by different contexts, but the practices are remarkably similar. Listening to instructions from a different perspective has been very helpful for me. I've particularly benefited from the emphasis on not-doing. Looking back, I can see that many books and teachers gave me this important teaching, although using different terms. I did not understand it clearly at the time. I doubt I understand it fully now, but I do understand it more than before.

I tend to experience wanting and grasping in meditation. It's very easy to fall into modes of desire and aversion. It's not hard to see these present in everyday life, but I didn't quite grasp the extent that they arise with regard to mental states during meditation. For example, holding a grudge against a neighbor is a gross form of aversion and ill-will. Being annoyed at a sound while meditating is also aversion. But subtler still, wanting a thought to fade away is also aversion. It's probably more of a hindrance than the thought itself.

I've not experienced any magical reduction of thought or distractions during my zazen sits. If anything, I've had more thoughts, but less attachment to the thoughts. I believed that I wasn't attaching to thoughts. However, I was glad when some thoughts arose; I was frustrated when some thoughts arose. I pursued some and ran away from others. At the end of a session I was rarely refreshed. However, at at the end of Zazen I'm in a very good mood. I can stand up and happily return to everyday life. In my previous practice, I'd often need a bit of time to adjust to life, and would be more irritable.

16 May

I've not been able to access the internet for a couple days except for brief periods. As a result, I've been with my mind a lot. I've sat more and done more housework. I've found that being alone without activities to do very quickly leads to various mental and emotional states bubbling up. I have to be very careful or else I'll be unhappy. The easiest way to avoid such a state is to do something with a perceived goal/end and measurable progress. I think that's what makes sitting for a long time difficult - the end is out of sight until it arrives, and it is almost impossible to measure 'progress' without a clock.

23 May

For the last several days I've been recovering from food poisoning. Practice came into play as I had a lot of equanimity towards being ill. I got pretty bored and fell into a habit of being on my phone as much as possible. Admittedly, that wasn't much of the time until the last day as I was too tired from dehydration for the first couple days.

24 May

Yesterday I talked to Dhammarato. He gave a 'history of the self.' I'm not sure I buy into his historical theory of how the concept of a self developed and spread. Definitely something I'm interesting in reading about more. Ultimately, what matters is that individuals think they have a self even though they don't! Beyond social conditioning, I'm also curious about how children create their sense of self.

28 May

Yesterday a guy mowed over a portion of my garden. I've been stewing in displeasure for about a day now.

29 May

Just had a long talk with Dhammarato. The practice is so simple, yet it's so easy to go in the wrong direction. Being present, and enjoying the here and how is all it takes. Any and all expectations and desires are superfluous. It's that simple. Be content.

7 June

For most of the last week I've been helping my wife with an event she was a part of. It took up most of my time, disrupted my routines, and was very tiring. I sat every day for about 20 minutes, but didn't do much walking meditation. Although I couldn't hear my mindfulness bell, I tried to take pauses throughout the day, some of which were extremely refreshing.

Last month I focused on Zen. My biggest take-away from that study is recognizing frustration and desire in meditation. I do feel that I became lazy in my practice though.

This month I'm going to be reading Mahasi Sayadow's "Manual of Insight." I picked the book up a couple years ago when it first came out, but I only read a small portion of it. I've not read any heavy Theravada theory in the interim; I have meditated a lot, read many suttas, and studied other works intermittently. I think that this time around I have a lot more direct experience in meditation as well as a better understanding of basic theory that will help me learn more from this book.

8 June

Today I sat for 30 minutes for the first time in a week. Interestingly, the sit became much more pleasurable after the first 20 minutes. Reflecting that towards the end of last year my meditation practice was very good, I'm going to try and reproduce some of what I was doing. Unfortunately I didn't update my log during those two months. Nevertheless, here's what I'll be trying:

• Sits of 30-45 minutes (no short 20 minute sits)

• Written log of total time spent in formal meditation each day

• Use TMI as primary guidance, supplemented by other works such as With Each And Every Breath

• Regular 8 precept retreats with reduced distractions and additional sits (I'll probably be doing these at home instead of at a wat due to personal circumstances)

Over the last 5 months I've had some very good developments that I'll be continuing or re-introducing to practice.

• Simple set of labels for noting distractions (from TMI Reddit)

• Mindfulness bell and other daily life practices (from Dhammarato, Zen, others)

• Interval timer during sessions to suppress clock watching and impatience (from Dhammarato)

• Walking meditation with very short step on each in-breath (from Zen)

• Watching for greed and frustration and not attaching to thoughts (from Zen)

11 June

For the last few days I've sat for 30-40 minutes. It has been very productive - I've explored the four step transition and the interplay of awareness and attention much more.

From the Manual of Insight I've gained a much better appreciation of the five aggregates and the six senses and how they relate to meditation.

I noticed that I have feelings of guilt about procrastinating meditation sessions or not meditating in extra free time. Although the ideal of meditating whenever possible is good, guilt is not. I think that countering it is as simple as the mindfulness bell practice - evoke feelings of success and satisfaction in the moment for that moment's practice. Dwelling on the past (particularly with guilt) is not conducive to practice.

24 June

I've been consistently sitting for 30 minutes and walking for 15 minutes. Although I've been working in the beginner stages (1-4), it has been very productive as I've been more aware of what's happening and more accurate in using the tools of TMI to address the situation at hand.

Today after my sit I had metta well up inside for several minutes. It was an interesting result for what was otherwise an ordinary session.

I've started a few online courses on meditation, psychology, and neuroscience. I've wanted to learn more about these subjects for years now. I'm not sure what sparked the initial idea, but I am very glad I did. Signing up for a few free classes utterly transformed my free-time from mindless entertainment to learning. I've not felt so intellectually stimulated in a very long time.

25 June

During walking meditation today I repeatedly used the principle of focusing on the present as an antidote to dissatisfaction with my practice - the only time I have to be responsible for is that exact moment of meditation. I don't need to worry about any other moment, whether past or future. It doesn't matter how a past session went, nor what I think I should do to improve in the future. Such thoughts insure that no real progress can be made, as they steal away the present moment, the only opportunity I have to practice. Instead, whenever I realize I'm analyzing my meditation in an unhelpful way (including non-verbally through feelings), I can simply return to the present and make the present meditation perfect.

2 July

Today I had a period of jealousy, frustration at the past, and anxiety about the future. Although I mentally investigated the cause, I'm not sure I know what caused the feelings. However, during a sit, after about 20-30 minutes, I experienced a breath fully in the present moment, and all of the other feelings immediately dropped away.

Finally have a clear understanding of dependent origination.

Teachings don't match listeners (maybe teachers) level of awakening.

I've talked to Dhammarato for about 18 hours, 35 minutes total.

11 July

For the last week I've been fairly sick. As a consequence of that, I mostly 'sat' laying down for a few minutes at a time. I think that practice was very good. Now that I'm returning to good health, I can enjoy sitting for a bit longer.

I've talked to Dhammarato for about 20 hours, 15 minutes total.

14 July

Yesterday I realized that towards the end of last year I didn't do TMI style 6 step preparation and 4 step transition. In March I decided to focus on adding those in to every sit, but four months later I've not noticed any particular benefit. The preparation consistently takes 10 minutes, and the transition often takes up most of the rest of the sit unless I rush through it. I'm going to stop doing both (unless I feel it will be helpful for a particular sit) and experiment a lot more. This'll free up most of the time during a sit to follow the breath, and allow more body scanning procedures. Dhammarato has been recommending I do some body scans, but beyond the generic body awareness in the 4 part transition, I've not done any. I think that the instructions in WEAB are a great start for this.

17 July

Stopping doing the preparation and transition from TMI I've found sits to feel like they are a lot longer. Instead of having 10 things to think about before focusing solely on the breath, I have none. I've felt a lot more inclined towards looking at the clock and feeling impatient, but I'm working to build up joy and happiness during meditation to counter it.

22 July

Yesterday and today I have been trying out a different style of meditation, Vedic Meditation. From what I understand, it's basically the same thing as Transcendental Meditation, except instead of coming from that organization, it's coming from the 1 Great Mind app. I really appreciate non-directive style meditation from time to time because it corrects for the striving, the effort, the stress that usually pervades my practice.

30 July

Today I talked with Dhammarato for over four hours. We had a wonderful chat about a lot of topics. We continued our discussion about sottapana, talked about some of the higher fetters, discussed the danger of advertising attainments,. We also talked about the natural method and developing insight, as well as the first two jhanas. As of late I've been doing short sits stabilizing concentration using the breath before moving to a topic of contemplation, which is very similar to the natural method of insight. Finally, we had a little chat at the end about using a mala. I think it's a useful (although unnecessary) tool, particularly at a lower level.

I've talked to Dhammarato for about 24 hours, 28 minutes total.

31 July

Yesterday I noticed a bit of irritability after practice - I might be getting hung up on the joy of seclusion again. Something to watch out for.

Today I spent a few hours reading Bhikkhu Buddhadasa's book Anapanasati (อานาปานสติภาวนา). I've not read a work that focused so much on the organized method and traditional Theravada commentary in some time. I find that these style of explanations can be difficult to follow because of their technical nature, and somewhat tense in style. It's full of really good information, but like any formal manual, it takes some time and effort to derive much benefit. It was rather surprising to find that the instructions for the first tetrad are very similar to the early stages of TMI. It also forms a bit of a bridge to WEAB, but I've not investigated it too much.

Kyonin at Treeleaf shared a poem by Ryokan that I really like

Too lazy to be ambitious,
I gradually left it all up to fate.

In the sack, three handfuls of rice.
By the stove, one bundle of firewood.

Who cares about delusion and enlightenment?
What use is fame and wealth in the world of dust?

Inside my hut, the evening rain on the thatch,
Both legs stretched out in idleness.

1 August

It's not worth it to harbor ill-will - other people want to be happy and free from suffering too.

13 August

Last week I decided to stop doing 1GiantMind Vedic meditation. I enjoyed the app and the technique, but it's not for me - I believe that my usual Anapanasati/Zazen sits are more in line with where I want to go. Since ending that experiment I've returned to 20-30 minute sits (1GiantMind lessons are 15 minutes) and for the last week I have been sitting multiple times a day.

I've removed the occasional reminders to do nianfo and Tibetan ordinary preliminary meditations every few days. I think these are great techniques, and I found them beneficial, but there is no need to try and do many techniques.There is a peril in doing many things - it is easy to fall into spiritual greed. Simplicity often seems to be the result of following the dhamma. It's a great joy to not want more.

I've been leaning more towards zen again. Zen is a far deviation from the original dhamma-vinaya that the Buddha set forth. In a way, it is an illegitimate heir of Buddhism that, in an ironic twist, often proves very faithful to the Buddha. Ironically, I really enjoy the zen group I'm a part of except for the teacher. Being annoyed by him is a good teaching though. I am planning on joining in preparation for Jukai (receiving the precepts). It's a good community to be a part of, although it will not be replacing the Thai sangha, my religious home.

I talked to Dhammarato today, mostly about the first three of the four noble truths. We've talked for about 26 hours, 5 minutes total.

15 August

In my sit this morning I noticed restlessness and agitation about 20 minutes in. I sat and observed the feeling for a while, then contemplated the dependent origination that was happening.

There is something liberating in
following tradition -
blindly walking on the old path of 
trading desire for wisdom.

Similarly, I noticed chatter during morning chanting about how much longer to go - but I let go and the old verses took me peacefully to the end.

chanting dead syllables
surrender desire 
quietly walk the path

I started studying the suttas about two years ago. Today I added a few suttas into a small hand-bound anthology of suttas compiled for personal study, and I felt that I finally am beginning to understand the suttas and know my way around the dhamma. I really have come to appreciate the fractal organization of the teachings - each teaching has a dozen or less basic points, which can be broken down in detail, and furthermore, those details can be broken down yet again. Moreover, the teachings are a giant web, with strings connecting various teachings together - for instance, the foundations of mindfulness include mindfulness and vice versa.