Where does the line lie? I identify with what this guy says but ive never even though about having it or even thought about the possibility of having any thing in common with the kids who were actually diagnosed.
I don't think I have ADHD (I grew up before people were readily diagnosing it) but I do have an anxiety disorder. I can definitely tell the difference between when I procrastinate due to anxiety and... other reasons.
When it is an anxiety-based procrastination I "cannot" start. I just can't. I am having a hard time finishing this post because it is making me think about something I am currently putting off because of my anxiety. Sorry.
Not to diagnose you as ADHD at all, but I personally had terrible anxiety before I was diagnosed. Since the diagnosis and medication, it's like the anxiety has magically disappeared.
All it takes is a visit to your doctor. Just ask him about it, and if he's a good doctor, he will listen and take it into consideration.
I coasted through high school with a 3. something but never had to really use my brain (A's and B's in the easy subjects and C's and D's in Chem, Algebra past the first couple of levels, etc).
In college, I stupidly chose Computer Science as my major, which I coasted through the first couple of years no problem, but when I got to data structures, discrete math, both Cals, and linear algebra, I was completely hopeless. I'd do the easy stuff no problem, but when it came to the hard stuff, I just put it off, half-assed it, and got bad grades. I had to retake the hardest courses a couple times (thank fucking god operating systems was curved so high that I managed a D the first time) and just couldn't apply abstract knowledge. I'd get it in theory, but I just couldn't put it down on paper. It didn't help that I was working full time.
I ended up graduating with a 2.34 or something like that, and BARELY fucking scraped by my last semester with a shit load of D's and a C. Of course, around here GPA is taken into consideration with jobs and most places wouldn't interview me or if I did have a technical interview, I was boned.
I worked support and I worked as a Web Dev for a local university (really terrible pay but good benefits) while my fiancee made 2x as much as me. She was a straight A student.
Anyways, I thought I was just a piece of shit and every time I had an epiphany and realized I needed to change, I'd say well fuck it, life is fine ish right now and I don't need help. I started a new job as a full stack developer at a startup (her dad's cousin needed help managing his clients, and hired me on full time to do PHP and other dev work) and I realized I fucking suuuucked at what I did. No matter how much I kept at it or tried, my brain was just full of a buzzing sound and I just found myself sort of sitting there most of the time waiting for him to help me.
Growing up, the kids who misbehaved all the time were the ones with ADHD. Usually they were okay, but when they forgot their meds....uh oh. So, I always affiliated that with some other shit and ignored it. About 6 months ago, I went to the doctor and explained my situation to him. I actually went for a leg problem I was having but when he pressed on personal issues I let everything out.
He gave me some breathing exercises, told me to keep going to the gym, and to keep going with that for a while. It worked for a bit, but I went straight back to my old habits. When I went back for a checkup a few months later, I explained that I did my best (i honestly truly felt like I did) and I think he got that. He put me on anti depressants to see if that might help the issue, but those made it worse for me. I went back again, and we had a long talk (with my fiancee present) and he asked her a few questions about my habits and he said he wanted me to go to a psych doctor he knows, and said this is probably a bit of ADHD and wanted to have me try adderall.
Holy shit, my life is so much better now. I'm for efficient at work, I learn a lot quicker, I don't stop paying attention during conversations, and I don't procrastinate (this one I'm still working on- but I can tell the metaphorical bully that lives inside my brain to shut the fuck up and let me work a lot easier now) and I'm able to actually organize my thoughts and everything.
I'm not saying this is the solution for everyone, but if I hadn't talked to my doctor I'd probably still be a massive piece of shit. I'm more of a polished turd now, but I'm actively trying to do better for myself and take care of myself for 20 years down the road. I'm only 25, and though I haven't had the official diagnosis (setting up tests and whatnot now) everything makes sense and my life is improving. My fiancee has noticed a massive increase in my work quality (she looks at my code to make sure I'm not fucking stuff up) and in my general productivity of getting chores and whatnot done around the house.
TL;DR: Talk to a professional, it may change your life. Just make sure that you're 100% honest with them and they'll be able to provide you with the help you need, whether that be a good pep talk, meds, or counseling.
OP's video spoke to me, but your story truly convinced me. By the way you described your college and work career, I would have thought it were me. I graduated with a mediocre GPA for Comp Sci, got lucky and landed a really good programming gig, and then had the exact same experience as you did. No matter how many times someone tried to show me something, it didn't click. I could make easier programs for class, but the application I supported was worlds apart from anything I had ever worked on. I floundered there for two years before I left. I had put off projects for so long that I could not force myself to do them. How could I ask for help when I was 8 months into a project and had no idea what I was doing?
I have been back and forth whether or not I should get evaluated until I read your comment. It described myself to a T. I have spent years trying to figure out how to get my life back on track, but now I can start see a glimmer of hope. Thank you!
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u/Tuas1996 May 30 '17
Where does the line lie? I identify with what this guy says but ive never even though about having it or even thought about the possibility of having any thing in common with the kids who were actually diagnosed.