r/ADHD • u/Antiheroine-_ • 25d ago
Seeking Empathy ADHDers, do you “abandon” yourselves?
When I get stressed, it gets overwhelming. So much so I don't look after myself. I stop exercising, I stop eating, and other self care is minimal or non-existent. I do the bare minimum - quick shower, brush my teeth, throw on some comfortable clothes. It's because I'm so mentally wrecked and I can't focus on anything but the problem that's stressing me.
Sometimes it's a matter of forgetting to do these things, sometimes I remember but just CAN'T do it.
Does anyone else experience this sort of "self-abandonment" when stressed??
Edit: whoa, thank you for your responses. I didn't expect that. I also can't believe (but should!) that I'm not alone in this experience. It's oddly reassuring?!
Edit: also, I'm very aware my bare minimum is different to someone else's bare minimum. We're all different. Even my bare minimum can be a HUGE effort
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u/175hs9m ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 25d ago
Absolutely. Completely. I hate it so much but can’t seem to break this cycle
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u/Antiheroine-_ 25d ago
I get it. I’ve been in this cycle for a solid few years and the cycle is getting harder. I hope you get to break the cycle soon
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u/D_I_C_C_W_E_T_T 24d ago
Same man, and idk how it's possible for it to get harder and harder. it's like I'm in perpetual burnout. Especially after an anxiety episode i had that brought other mental health stuff on the surface It's been a struggle.
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u/OkRutabagaOk 20d ago
The perpetual burnout. I never called it that, but looking back that's what life feels like.
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u/Dry_Masterpiece_7566 19d ago
I feel like I've been in perpetual burnout since the start of Covid....I just can't get motivated and lose interest quickly. Only dangerous and extremely risky activities wake me up
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u/Apprehensive-Biker 24d ago
Everyone leaves me when I go through a rough patch of not taking care of myself , I feel so unwanted and invisible it just makes me neglect myself even more
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u/Some-Damage-1181 24d ago
This is me too. I struggle getting motivated and even getting a shower is a huge thing. I am waiting on titration then hopefully things will start to look up
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u/ilovemybaby4eva 24d ago
What about titration? I looked up the definition for titration but don't understand what you mean.
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u/porcelainbibabe ADHD-C (Combined type) 20d ago
It means getting their meds, they're waiting on their meds.
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u/cassiclock ADHD-C (Combined type) 24d ago
Oh damn okay. I didn't come here to be called out this hard 😭
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u/No-Trash-546 25d ago
Hijacking top comment to ask if this is selection bias or if there's any real correlation with ADHD?
I can relate to what OP is talking about but I've noticed that pretty much anytime someone asks about a behavior, there will always be comments saying "yes I experience this as well!"
I'm mildly concerned that subscribing to this subreddit has or will distort my perception and cause me to see ADHD symptoms everywhere
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u/BabyyAsiaX ADHD-C (Combined type) 25d ago
I'm no expert but this is definitely an example of what task paralysis + RSD due to ADHD can look like. I experience this too. It sucks. ADHD is very misunderstood and two people with ADHD can have different symptoms/experiences.
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u/D_I_C_C_W_E_T_T 24d ago
It really really sucks. I hope i learn to fight it because it gets more exhausting every time.
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u/peach1313 24d ago
Everything OP listed requires executive functioning, and executive dysfunction is at the core of ADHD. It makes sense that stuff we already struggle with on a good day, becomes even more difficult on bad days. It will look slightly different for everyone, but as a general rule, it holds.
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u/furbysdad ADHD-C (Combined type) 24d ago
Thank you, I was going to say exactly this!
I do know that poor self-care can be related to other issues too, like depression or fatigue without ADHD, but it’s a big executive dysfunction thing for me.
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u/CinderpeltLove 24d ago
As a mental health professional, what OP is taking about is not in of itself ADHD. It’s not part of the official diagnosis criteria. A lot of professionals will want to rule out other possible explanations for what OP described in their post such as depression.
However, symptoms of ADHD can lead to stuff like what OP describes, especially if a person’s ADHD symptoms are untreated or if their ADHD symptoms are under-managed. ADHD is correlated with depression, anxiety disorders, and higher levels of burnout.
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u/entarian ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 25d ago
Yes. Keep your skepticism. This could be related to ADHD, or maybe it's depression. I sure can't tell the difference from where I am.
I've noticed a tendency for "regular human being" behaviors to be viewed as "ADHD for sure" behaviors around here from time to time.
With that said, I do also think it's a valuable community.
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u/Trixsh 24d ago
Many of these "regular human beings" also seem to miss the point of severity being often the cause of suffering, not exactly the thing itself.
And because someone themselves might be able to deal with their own thing, be it their executive function showing up, their relatives and loved ones being understanding and accommodating or them just being at the point in their life it is possible for them due to their diligence and skills, they might just forget that the "thing I related to" might be(is) felt and experienced complete differently by the other person, and thus the two experiences, even if relatable at least one way, are actually just similar events that can't really be compared in any meaningful way without also examining the numerous other variables that will often not even show up in discussion, just because the interest to understand is not there.
And it really isn't that hard to be empathetic and understanding if you have learned, trained or just value empathy as a skill in life, as is is just that, a skill.
And like it goes with skills, some are always naturals, others are some various flavors of different -paths we call them, and most of us will hike on top of that bell curve during our lives, loving the closest to us very dearly, yet not caring too much of the suffering of strangers(except when it would be socially frowned upon to admit that) if it doesn't happen right there and then.
I think that the issue is not so much the empathy itself, or it's absence, in people, but the core value and meaning we individually and collectively assign to that very concept of "I feel for/with you" in this strange world. I feel like many people today are just running on fumes on that aspect that they really just don't have that must extra shits to be giving around as their own life might be too much for them to handle, and someone for example complaining about something in their life might trigger the other person too much.
Why then, they come out of their way to let others know just how they would have done it already, or that it isn't such a big deal, or that everyone has that, or that you should just try a bit harder or whatever in that list of indicators that there is no real desire behind those lines to actually understand and care.
I think this small reply I wanted to write has now successfully escaped me and is manifesting itself against(along) my free(deterministic) will. Hope it didn't come out too rambley and could be followed if you read it this far.
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u/entarian ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 24d ago
I think I get ya. Just want to clarify that I'm not throwing shade on ADHD people thinking everything is an ADHD symptom. I've done it. I'm doing it right now with my sleep apnea symptoms. I think that's part of why this community is a valuable resource - I do feel like people here are a bit more understanding (yet also more impulsive when intent is mis-read - I've done it so now try to give people the benefit of the doubt.)
I'm reminded of a parent with ADHD saying their kid doesn't have it because they think the kid is experiencing things normally due to the parent also having adhd.
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u/Green_Rooster9975 24d ago
If I'm honest, I kind of think it sounds more like a trauma response than ADHD. That said, there is also a high comorbidity between trauma and ADHD, so.
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u/whyisthequest 24d ago
Just keep in mind the sheer number of people on the planet. There’s only 3,000 upvotes on this post. Which is a lot for one person to hear as a response, but not a significant number. You are definitely experiencing a bit of bias but that doesn’t mean there isn’t merit to this observation.
I read a post the other day about how global worldview and social media has skewed how many people we can conceptualize. Went something like You think 300 subscribers isn’t a lot but you couldn’t even fit 30 people in most coffee shops.
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u/peach1313 25d ago
This is more like executive functioning struggles when you're overwhelmed / burnt out. It's quite common to struggle more with ADHD symptoms when we're generally struggling with life.
Self-abandonement usually refers to consistently putting other people's needs above your own, at the cost of your own needs and wellbeing.
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u/LastandLeast 24d ago
Oh so this is why I'm a high performer at work and school but I can't seem to keep brushing my teeth as a constant
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u/peach1313 24d ago
It's probably part of it. It's very common with ADHD to be together at work / school, whilst the rest of our lives are falling apart.
The biggest factor is that in a work / school environment, there's external structure and consequences for not doing things, as well as praise for doing them well, so we do them. Whereas our personal lives are up to us, and that's often an issue with executive dysfunction.
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u/sensitivefb 20d ago
Could it be related to the fact that we generally work better when surrounded? (Hence the body doubling around in the communities)
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u/Icy_Answer2513 25d ago
Yes, I am burnt out at the moment and have been struggling with keeping up with self care. Fortunately I don't have to be out in the wild much, but it still doesn't feel good.
Though to be honest , with sensory issues it is a long term problem in itself.
If there is something stressing me, it will be at the detriment of everything else until the stressor is removed.
It sucks big time. Often it is caused by other people who are oblivious how their behaviour affects others.
As I have read others state, try and make time for self care, it can make a big difference.
<making my way to look at the shower now>
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u/Antiheroine-_ 25d ago
Shower is a good start.
I hope things get easier for you
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u/Icy_Answer2513 25d ago
Thank you, I hope things improve for you too!
I did take a shower and now I am in decision paralysis about what to do next.
C'est la vie.
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u/poopchills ADHD-C (Combined type) 25d ago
When this happens to me a write down the things I can do and sometimes it's easier to identify the priority to me.
Also this tool has been helpful for me when stuck...
https://www.pros-cons-list.com/
Good luck!
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u/Icy_Answer2513 25d ago
Ooo, thanks 🙏 that looks handy.
I actually came out to my vegetable plot to prepare a bed for planting.
Something I feel guilty for doing when there are lots of other things requiring attention.
But, it does help my brain 🧠!
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u/ChasingPenguins 24d ago
Was going to suggest this too, but when I'm really struggling with overwhelming thoughts , I do more of a brain dump on paper. I will write down literally every thought I have , with a timer set . I draw arrows and doodles too. If I think it, it's being written down. It seems silly but it's helped ' clear the noise' and then going back and reading them , puts the info in a different ' compartment'of sorts in my brain that I can then process differently it seems. Idk why but it seems to work. Also helps you see how small some thoughts really are in reality on paper when they feel so big in your head.
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u/Bladelink 24d ago
Sometimes I need to write things down just to get them out of my brain. Otherwise they just rattle around in there in circles without going anywhere.
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u/Bunnips7 25d ago
i dont think of it as self abandonment, i think that would stress me out. i used to think of it as me being weak or lazy. i now think of it as: i have a disability. that's reality. I need to be SO honest about what I can handle right now and what I can actually expect myself to do, what doesn't help, and what a realistic rate of recovering is. so i dont expect myself to be at what feels like 400% (functioning "normally"). I am careful to expect only what I can actually handle, which means being honest about how I feel right now. Can I actually cook? Or am i too distractable for that right now?
I try to focus on: eat, sleep.
and i always always try and congratulate myself on anything. did I just drink water? well done. did I give myself a break? fuck yeah. I'll even shout this out loud.
my level of dysfunction is not the norm, this is due to trauma and neglect rather than "just" adhd. but well in my road to recovery these are the lessons I learned so I thought to share.
this kind of thinking keeps me focused on what im doing within my reality, rather than stressed about how I should be at an unrealistic level right now. it lets me focus on things that may make me happy or relaxed as I try to navigate the real life things that are hard for me. (realistic expectations are super hard w adhd but i dont have a solution for that so i didnt talk about it T-T)
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u/teamsaxon blorb 24d ago
this kind of thinking keeps me focused on what im doing within my reality, rather than stressed about how I should be at an unrealistic level right now.
This is something I struggle with BIG TIME
I have always had high expectations in anything I do and it never fails to make me feel like a failure before I even start
Not to mention other people's expectations that I should be doing normal people things like having a job etc when I can't even function properly
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u/communism_johnny 25d ago
I completely get you. Life sometimes is just to much. And that's ok.
What I found helps me on such days:
-) I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS have some kind of emergency easy food at home. Food that takes literally 0 effort to prepare and (and i think that's important) is yet warm. Like instant noodles, frozen pizza, toast and cheese, stuff like that. It can help me a hell of a lot to know I won't have to spend hours in the kitchen for my dinner. This also accounts for comfort drinks like my favourite tea or hot chocolate. I always have those at home.
-) I dissociate from any social interaction on purpose (note: I have social anxiety so that one MIGHT not be as important for you). I don't get onto the Discord server to talk to my friends if I don't want to, I cancel plans if I don't have the energy, I resort to writing text-messages if really needed. That helps me safe a lot of energy (Note: Be careful with this one, you don't want to isolate yourself to badly)
-) I have "emergency" activities and an "emergency plan" to spend my evening after work if I'm burned out. Emergency activities are activities that are calm and don't require a lot of energy and can help me reload my batteries. Such could be just lying on the couch and listening to my favourite music, reading, drawing or painting, playing an instrument or playing a chilled single player computer game. The emergency plan usually has the same steps: Get home - emergency activity - food - shower - emergency activity - sleep.
-) The last (and maybe most important) thing is: I try to not fight my exhaustion. Try not to get mad at myself. Allow myself to be tired - i have every right to be so. Allowing myself to be tired makes me able to seperate mental exhaustion from outright sadness - something i have struggled in the past to keep seperated.
Maybe some of those might help you as well :)
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u/Antiheroine-_ 25d ago
Emergency activity is such a good idea, and a good way to frame it
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u/notdorisday 25d ago
When I am overwhelmed I shut down entirely. All I can do is lay in bed and sleep. It’s hideous.
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u/ceruleanmoon7 ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 24d ago
Same. I burned out really bad in December and had to take 9 weeks off work. I pretty much slept all day every day. I could barely function. The good news is you can recover, but it takes time. I’m finally starting to be able to do things again
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u/Arqndkmwuhluhwuh 25d ago
Whenever too much is going on, or I'm overwhelmed I just stop going everything. I won't clean my place, won't eat, won't drink, won't take care of myself, won't go outside etc. It's really bad, and nothing can help it whenever it happens. I feel disgusting
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u/Antiheroine-_ 25d ago
I’m the same. When I am stressed or overwhelmed, basic self care just STOPS. I don’t want it to be this way. I’m exhausted and self care feels like work
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u/Arqndkmwuhluhwuh 24d ago
Exactly, damn I really wish ADHD wasn't real. I woulda been such better person
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u/FireKist 24d ago
I feel this statement on a molecular level right now.
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u/Arqndkmwuhluhwuh 24d ago
My english sucks and I'm high I don't understand
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u/punqdev ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 21d ago
If I could award you rn I would because I can relate 1000% to this
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u/7ecretMeow 25d ago
Same here, sometimes life gets too much. I think it's okay to have such times and to be OK with it helps me a lot, even though I still have to learn that at times. I love to watch series in a pajama, do some Lego, or play a game, as long as I come through those moments.
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u/Glidder 25d ago edited 25d ago
I find that, for me, it's best not to fight it.
If I allow myself to be tired, and fully embrace that time of recovery, usually in a couple days I'm ready to go back to taking care of things. I even feel excited about it. However, when I try to force myself out of it, it actually takes longer because if I'm stressed about resting, that rest is not as effective.
I've decided to let my intuition guide me, and allow myself to rest when I need it. It may take me longer to achieve certain goals that way, but at least I will eventually achieve them instead of burning out.
So I'll drop everything from time to time, and that way I'm able to confidently pick everything up again where I left. No shame, no guilt.
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u/lovelyava28 23d ago
Genuinely wish I could do this but I don’t ever get back to ready :/ just constantly perpetually tired and barely scraping by. I try to give myself grace but I can’t rest forever yk
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u/Glidder 23d ago
For me, there's a difference between:
a) wasting the day away looking at my phone and feeling that I should be doing something else, stressing over not being able to do the things I should do, and thinking that I can't be like that perpetually (that situation could last indefinitely and at no point am I going to feel better), and
b) realising I'm repeating a pattern and truly stopping. Stopping everything. Doing nothing. Nothing means nothing, not looking at your phone, not watching something, not even reading. Nothing. I'll just lie on the floor or couch, by myself, looking at the ceiling. I won't put any pressure on me too do anything. I'm resting.
I won't even think. I'll just focus on listening my breathing, listening to the noises around, feeling my weight on my back, feeling the temperature. I won't put any pressure on me, not even what I'm going to eat. I won't eat if I don't feel like it.
But you know what happens soon? I get bored, and suddenly I feel like getting up and doing the dishes, or preparing a nice meal, or doing some exercise or I remember that language lessons I've been putting off and I feel like starting the next lesson, etc. I simply start with the first thing that pops into my head and I feel like doing, because I'm bored. And soon projects, chores, things that I WANT to do start flooding my mind, and I feel like myself again. Until the next time that I'm too tired.
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u/imagine_its_not_you 25d ago
Very much so, yes. Also i think it’s a mindset thing from childhood because I wasn’t taught to “take care of myself”, rather “self-preserve” and make sure everyone was ok and alive, and i had to get my things done so I wouldn’t burden anyone (if I did, they had an excuse to start drinking or nag about my other parent, or just leave completely).
I’m working on it, but these days (i’m in my 40s now so sometimes it seems impossible) I know I have to give myself plenty (and I mean PLENTY) of time to be alone, rest, not force myself, be very compassionate about all that little I manage to do etc. It’s got better, but I have to critically stop myself from saying “I have to”, but rather: “what DO i want?”
Sometimes, truth be told, I feel I have to do the dishes, but I’d much rather not, so instead I just “want” to eat a quick snack instead of a lunch, and later on, at some point, I find myself doing the dishes without much effort because now suddenly i WANTED the kitchen sink to be clean…
Does it make sense though?
….yeahhh… gonna hit the shower now. 45 minutes later than i intended…
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u/Antiheroine-_ 25d ago
Yeah it makes sense. Reframing things, I suppose. I wish I could remember/know how to do that
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u/imagine_its_not_you 25d ago
Also just giving yourself time! For me, for example, a problem is that intellectually I understand things quite quickly and want to move on, but my body and nervous system takes time to adapt. So when I know I have to get a task done, I need to decide when it’s due, and then try to start ahead of it, and if i can’t make myself, just idle around, until my body is like “oh, ok, now i know how to get started on this”. Of course there are things you can do immediately - like if someone else asks you to do something for them - but when it’s you, you have to be very careful as not to overwhelm yourself. Well, maybe not YOU… i mean this is what inhave discovered about myself.
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u/Top_Hair_8984 25d ago edited 25d ago
Yes, all the time. I'm in a year at least long abandonment phase right now. I lke this term btw, Ty. Take good care of yourselves the best you can.🦋
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u/FireKist 24d ago
I’ve been doing this for three months now. I can’t be bothered with anything. I’m not even doing the “hobby” stuff I have all the time in the world for since I lost yet another job. I have a 1900 square foot house I should be cleaning and/or doing home improvement projects on, I should be sending out resumes every day, I should be going out to exercise myself and my dog, I should be doing ANYTHING, but instead I sit in my pj’s all day, sporadically doing a chore here and there, only to feel completely wiped out so I go right back to binge-watching or doomscrolling - sometimes both. I’m running through my savings, and I’m going to end up in financial trouble if I don’t get it together soon. Adderall helps sometimes, but it’s not a consistent result. The level of apathy I’m experiencing right now is fucking ridiculous. I just DON’T CARE, but under that, I’m an anxious wreck because deep down I DO care, like a lot. Idk what to do anymore. I’m 2 years into finally being diagnosed with Inattentive-type ADHD, and after researching and talking to family I’m pretty sure I’m ASD as well. My mom is a FNP, she tells me my uncle was ASD1 (though they called it Asperger then) and that from the convos we have had since I’ve opened up to her about it - I’m presenting that way too. The big downer for me is that I’m now 52. Like what the fuck do I even do with either diagnosis at this point? I can’t keep a job, people are just too rude, cutthroat, unkind, and intolerant for me to be able to coexist in their world. I am so exhausted from masking my entire life, from constant worry and stress. I just want to lie here in my house and enjoy the quiet, but that’s not gonna pay the bills. Husband has been INCREDIBLY supportive, and he pays the mortgage so I’m not going to end up living in a box, but damn - I can’t seem to get out of my own way lately, and I’m sick of starting over.
Sorry for the rant - that’s been building for a while.
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u/FireKist 24d ago
Also - I’m feeing incredibly guilty for being an emotional and financial burden on my husband - and I don’t know why that alone isn’t enough of a motivator for me - makes me feel like an abject failure as a human.
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u/teamsaxon blorb 24d ago
I am feeling the same homie. It's... A drag. I recently went on a nice trip away (which gave me a big break from being depressed as a result) and coming back to... This? I cannot bring myself to give a fuck about "real" life. Don't care. Don't. Care.
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u/thedappledgray ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 23d ago
I feel like I could’ve written this myself, minus the ASD part. Please know that you are not alone! It’s been going on for nearly a year for me. I’m hoping the new job I just got will get me out of this slump.🤞
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u/FireKist 23d ago
Best of luck at the new job! I need one to fall into my lap lol
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u/Top_Hair_8984 24d ago
Totally ok, this is the sub to do that, and we pretty much all understand. I see this self abandonment as burn out. Feels the same. I'm just exhausted.
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u/FireKist 23d ago
I’m a crispy critter. I did spend the last 2 days DoorDashing like my life depended upon it ( yayyyy Adderall and hyperfocus, I guess?) but I’m absolutely gonna pay for these exertions over the next week. Ugh.
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u/Unfair_Basis9588 25d ago
Um so much yes. I feel ashamed of myself when I’m like “yay, you brushed your teeth!”. I want so badly to exercise and lose weight but whenever I have free time I just read and read and read (YA fiction). Coffee, smoke and read. Then snacks. Uuuugggghhh it feels impossible! Also, I have a 3-month course I paid for and it’s three weeks in and I haven’t started!! Aaaahhhhh!!!!!!
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u/kori0521 25d ago
My strugle these days. Being lonely got me so down these days all I do is go to work, come back home, take a shower/brush teeth and just sit in front of the pc doing nothing.. Even foing to sleep is though. Have to fight myself to do everything on the weekend such as prepping food for next week and doing groceries and chores.. Then repeat all over again..
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u/Antiheroine-_ 25d ago
I think that routine is so common for so many of us and it just drains us even further. It disconnects us too. I hope things start to feel better for you
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u/RikuAotsuki 25d ago
It's a clusterfuck, and it's one of the worst parts of having ADHD comorbid with depression and anxiety, let alone sleep issues.
The stress itself becomes self-reinforcing because your functioning is too low, like bailing water out of a sinking boat with a bucket full of holes. You have to bail faster to keep the boat from sinking, but that exhausts you faster... but you can't stop bailing.
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u/chuckstevens84 ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 24d ago
Is a quick shower and brush teeth the bare minimum? For me, these are the things that go when I “abandon” myself as you say.
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u/niva_sun 25d ago
Absolutely. After I started working this has basically become my new normal. Quick showers maybe 2-3 times a week, only eating stuff thet doesn't require cooking, never working out, amd rarely spending time doing things I enjoy other than scrolling and binge watching tv shows.
Occasionally I try to get better at taking care of myself, and it can last a few days, a week or two at the most, before I go back to not being able to. I think I'm in one of those periods now, but I'm starting to get tired and overwhelmed again. But I'll try to enjoy it while it lasts.
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u/junkiedrawer 25d ago
Yesss. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life and can lead to depression spiral.
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u/scorpion-mother 25d ago
I literally just went like 10 days without a shower because I was so hyper focused on my current project. Also... I think i ate a cheese stick yesterday? And I know I had a few white claws today.
Don't remember the last time I sat down and ate tho... 🤷🏼♀️
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u/3-0_Monocryl 25d ago
Mad respect to you because I don’t even shower or brush my teeth and I can’t even be bothered to put on clothes once I rip them off
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u/dandy-in-the-ghetto 24d ago
Yes, happens to me too, I consider it one of the worst and most self-destructive mechanisms in my life. When bad things pile up, I stop working out, going out and spending time with other people, having fun, caring about my looks, or keeping my place tidy. Just work, sleep, shower, brush teeth, and eat whatever junk I have around.
And once it starts, it’s very easy to spiral even further down when I look in the mirror and see myself in such miserable state. I think we might need to learn to love ourselves a bit more.
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u/trobsmonkey 24d ago edited 24d ago
Surprsingly no.
Self care is something that's 100% in my control. So no matter how much the world spirals.
I brush my teeth.
I eat at least one meal.
I drink water.
I might not get anything else done. But I do the basics because when I've lost control, it's the one thing I have full power over.
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u/wh1ppitgood 24d ago
I’m working on this rn - finding my “marathon pace” - those things I must do daily no matter what. I don’t know if this is an ADHD thing or a midlife crisis thing but within the past year I’ve just finally understood that life is not going to get easier and waiting for things to calm down is like Waiting for Gadot.
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u/trobsmonkey 24d ago
midlife crisis thing but within the past year I’ve just finally understood that life is not going to get easier and waiting for things to calm down is like Waiting for Gadot
Wisdom. Be it from experience or age. That is wisdom.
No matter your goals. You'll never get a chance when things calm down.
Imagine things will always be a fight and fight for YOURSELF.
So far I'm winning a lot more battles than simply waiting for things to change.
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u/darlingdear24 24d ago
Your description of “bare minimum” resonated with me. Most people think you can’t be having THAT hard of a time if you can still accomplish those “bare minimum” things. But does it really count if my only drive to even accomplish that much is shame & fear?
If there’s nuance anywhere - it’s mental health, and how poor mental health can “look” on people. And it’s the culmination of things that most people don’t see. Sure I got out of bed and showered/brushed my teeth…
But I’m also:
- Self-isolating to the extreme; don’t change out of lounge clothes most days; turned off all notifs on my phone because it gives me so much anxiety; often going a week without leaving my apartment, much less actively moving my body in some healthy way.
- I love food but have no appetite, forcing down the foods I love; haven’t been drinking water, like, at all.
- Self-care things I enjoy have all fallen by the wayside: taking baths, skincare, etc.
And don’t get me started on my fave coping mechanism - fully disassociate into a romantasy novel or video game and think of nothing.
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u/lizalupi ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 25d ago
Yes but I don't shower and brush my teeth, also I don't go out. I can calmly spend 2 weeks at home without being bored. But these years I don't have the luxury to do this. I work+study.
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u/Antiheroine-_ 25d ago
I remember one of the best weeks I’ve ever had was a week off work where I stayed home and read books. Barely went out. Books and coffee.
It really is a luxury.
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u/Cpnbro 25d ago
I’ve got two cavities right now and cannot tell you how many times I have sat with fuzzy teeth at 3:15pm WITH THE DENTIST WEBSITE OPEN and just. Didn’t.
It’s so unbelievably depressing and gross and I fucking hate myself for it.
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u/iLliteratEkn0t 25d ago
I’ll call and make an appointment for you, seriously.
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u/shinynickel14 25d ago
I call it spiraling, usually into a depressive episode. Auto pilot has kicked in and I’m just surviving. I’m stressed and not taking care of myself. Usually, stepping back and taking a look at what needs to change helps me get back to normal. A change in my routine, do I need a day off from work? Do I need to reach out to someone? Once I realize I’m spiraling, analyze what’s put me into it and make the change. Being overwhelmed sucks but we’ve got it! You’ll make it through!
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24d ago
Definitely. It sucks. The burnout is real. The body doubling codependency is real. The need for isolation and peace is real. The need to stop performing at such high levels at work (which is taken as problematic in our competitive corporate culture) is real. Finding internal and external balance, and asking for help to get my needs met is priority number 1 going forward. What I’ve learned from being at my most vulnerable in this culture: it’s not safe. What’s that saying, “you can judge a culture by how they treat their most vulnerable”. We’re the worst. So, going forward I put me first. Idc if it’s called self abandonment or self care: I do what I need, even if that includes the bare minimum.
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u/master_schief 24d ago
Yeah I think it’s because every-time I do a task it’s like doing it for the first time and I can only keep up with a certain number of routines because my time management is bad. When stress goes up I don’t have space for the same number of routines and the least immediately harmful fall off
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u/Atheris ADHD-PI 24d ago
It's not abandoning yourself. You just have to admit that you've hit the limit on your spoons. The idea that it's somehow a failure is just more of that toxic positivity bullshit of modern society. Not everyone can do everything all the time. There's no sense beating yourself up over it.
Yeah. Yeah. Easier said than done. I'm in the same boat. My husband is quick to remind me that it's ok to rest and give my brain a break. Remember, our brains actually are working harder than normal people's. We are not not lazy.
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u/_ficklelilpickle ADHD-C (Combined type) 25d ago
Yeah I do this. I tend to stop eating breakfast and lunch. Dinner always but.
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u/Cottonsocks434 ADHD-C (Combined type) 25d ago
Yeah I've been abandoning myself for almost 2 years now lol. All the while tricking myself into thinking I'm being kind to myself because I'm 'prioritising my comfort'. After such a long time it's definitely not because I forget these things... I know what I need to do. And knowing what I need to do is half of the problem - I tire myself out just thinking about everything I need to do, everything I really SHOULD do but know that I won't. The guilt and shame is unbelievable. And yet. It's 2:30pm and I'm still laying in bed as write this lol.
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u/naturemymedicine 24d ago
Yep. I’m so overwhelmed, stressed and burnt out that I just about have the energy to work and take care of my dog, I have nothing left in the tank for myself.
Haven’t cooked in months even though I’m more than capable of cooking and meal prepping for myself. I’ve been living on takeout or just skipping meals. I just make it to yoga twice a week, whereas I used to go everyday.
Even showering and brushing my teeth feels like this huge effort these days that I have to force myself through.
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u/Financial_Onion_541 24d ago
Serious question: is there a difference between this and a depressive episode? This happens to me where school gets super overwhelming and I just go into barley functioning mode (Bonus points if I'm a week before my period, it gets exponentially worse)
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u/teh_deathberry 24d ago
They are very similar yes and even the root cause is similar as well, but I feel the difference is... with ADHD we are more prone to experience these episodes as we tend to burn out faster and it's hard to gather energy again.
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u/labtech89 24d ago
Unfortunately I have lived with stress for so long that it is simply a way of life for me
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u/EvolutionInProgress ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 24d ago
I know exactly what you mean. Ever since I switched from Adderall to Vyvanse, I've noticed I have a lot of energy at work and get a lot done, but if I run into a task that I dread, it just starts to consume me. I have a tendency to get obsessive about what's bothering me. And I've noticed that compared to most people around me, I can't just fake it. Put on a smile and put that stressor in a corner. Maybe I just don't have a pokerface.
My solution is to focus on that one thing that's bothering me and take care of it, otherwise I can't get anything else done. But if I can't fully solve that one problem yet (and it's extra frustrating if I have to wait on someone else for it), I'd at least create an outline or a plan or something to tell myself "I've got a plan, I'll come back and finish when I have more time".
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u/Grabbastabbah 25d ago
I usually double down on things like excercise and nutrition, but that because those things are my lifelong hyperfocus.
On the other hand I do neglect other things, like Bills and other boring things
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u/DarkhawkWalker2005 25d ago
Same here and I am still stuck in the cycle. I had been burnt out due to prepping for competitive exams and still failing to get a decent college and settle for a so-so college. That alone drained me mentally a LOT and then the college stress, uk. Assignments, Lab records, Exams and what not. Barely meet my deadlines because I game a lot on my laptop to escape from the real world. Almost failed my exams and it's been one year and I am still tired mentally.
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u/we_are_sex_bobomb ADHD 25d ago
I feel like I can only manage like 2-3 responsibilities in my life at a time and everything else just turns into a dumpster fire.
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u/ShinyBeetle0023 24d ago
I know that I need to exercise and get movement. I have been telling myself to get started for months. Body says, nope.
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u/nomad-worker 24d ago
You at least do the minimum.
In times of crisis: i don't shave, i don't shower, i don't sleep, i don't exercise, i binge eat. Basically, everything self-destructive. I translate it as some sort of self-disrespect, self-disgust or self-hate. idk how to call it.
It's definitely going better, but it is an everyday fight.
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u/WisteriaKillSpree 24d ago
Every. Freakin. Time. Trying to dig out of a "crisis hole" now.
I kicked major ass on said (genuine) crisis - for a non-stop 2 months - while entirely neglecting myself.
At my age (60), that's a big set-back.
This is the worst thing about ADHD, and it is a by-product of the best thing about it: hype-laser-focus.
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u/WafflesofDestitution 24d ago
Self-care is a chore like any other, and thus reliant on executive functioning. Some of it is ADHD, some of it can be comorbid depression.
When I am down in the dumps my basic hygiene suffers — I neglect brushing my teeth, can barely drag myself into a shower once or twice a week and thus wear the same clothes several days in a row, the works. At that point it feels almost naive to even entertain thoughts of more involved self-care like reading, exercise or even pampering oneself. Attending to the first tier on Maslow's hierarchy becomes enough of a struggle on it's own.
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u/teamsaxon blorb 24d ago
When people say "you have to exercise" it's like slapping someone in the face and saying WHY ARE YOU SLAPPING YOURSELF
It's the most annoying bullshit parroted advice ever. Yes. Exercise helps. Does that mean we can executive function our way in to doing it, when self care is the maximum effort you can expend in a day? No.
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u/_uknowWho_ 24d ago
Currently going this in college right now and while I definitely blame it on myself it doesn’t change the screaming and fighting in my head of “you don’t want to do it, you suck can’t do shit” and “don’t talk to yourself like that, get up, you can and want to do it.” I constantly try to remind myself doing something is better than nothing and that something can become the catalyst to do more.
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u/SuccessfulDetail9184 24d ago
From time to time I have periods like this. It happens less when I'm engaged in treatment (lisdexamfetamine and bupropion). But when it does happen, I make the decision not to brush my teeth if I can, and it takes me longer than usual to decide to take a shower. I eat junk food even though I don't like it, and I stay on my cell phone even though I know what I have to do. Everything is conscious. Deciding. It's different from pure ADHD and in treatment, which is due to distraction and when I realize it, I try to do something different.
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u/UrMomsaHoeHoeHoe 24d ago
Yup… hindsight make it easy to ID - an object in motion stays in motion and an object at rest stays at rest is how I describe it to myself these days as it’s a bit more polite lol.
I just try to get as “foundational” as I can during those times. 100% will drive to the gym, hit my pen walking in, do 15 min of walking (at best) and then sit in my car playing Pokémon go - but I made it to the gym.
I’m an integration engineer for a marketing company, some days idk how I do what I do in terms of productivity and at the same time sometimes idk how I DONT DO ANYTHING but like.
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u/Meeko_Lee 24d ago
My therapist and I have been working on this. Today we talked about how I’m basically spending all of my energy trying to block my intrusive shame-inducing thoughts, and then I have nothing left for simple things like feeding myself or keeping my home tidy.
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u/TTPP_rental_acc1 24d ago
Oh yes, there was a time when I was on my lowest of lows, I was so overwhelmed and depressed that I completely forgot to eat and take care of myself, since i literally didnt care about myself anymore. I had to be hospitalized after not eating for 2 straight days cos I had a gigantic pain in my stomach as a result of it.
I beg anyone who is or had a similar situation to please eat, even just a little slice of bread, anything, set up eating alarms if you have to. It doesn't matter how depressed you are or how worthless you feel, you matter, and so does your health and wellbeing, regardless of your situation, you deserve to eat, access to food is a human right. Intentionally refusing to eat because "you don't deserve it" will only make things worse
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u/DoctorHopsyFlopsy 25d ago
Yes completely unfortunately. I’m trying to change that, but it takes time.
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u/Johnnyknackfaust 25d ago
Yes, It Happens dont beat yourself Up about It. What helps me is Sport and Walking outside.
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u/caffeine_lights ADHD & Parent 25d ago
Yes, I do. I think this is really dysregulation - which is when something isn't in balance in the body/brain basically.
Therapy most likely helps. Is that an option for you? Realistically, even if you have a problem which is stressing you out, you can't always solve that immediately. And adult life is going to involve problems which can't immediately be solved. So it would help to have some strategies that can help you manage day to day stress in a way which doesn't completely immobilise you from being able to attend to other things.
Not a therapist obv but maybe it helps to ask yourself some questions -
What is stressing you out? What is stressing you specifically about it?
I would wonder if it's based on a previous experience where you focused on other things and forgot the source of the stress and made it worse, so you feel like you HAVE to focus on the stress-source until it's completed in order not to forget it.
Or, is it possible that what's stressing you is affecting you that much because it's unhealthy and unsustainable? For example, stress in a relationship might sometimes indicate that the relationship is unhealthy or even abusive. Stress at work might mean that you have a hostile work environment. Stress in a school environment might point to some unmanaged learning need (and unmedicated ADHD might indeed be this).
Or, perhaps you have no systems to break down tasks which are stressful.
There might be other reasons of course but it helps to think these things through IME.
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u/100SacredThoughts 25d ago
Yes, over months right already. And when i get too stressed i also get sick. I just get fever and am bound to bed, i hate it.
I only work 3 days aweek, and when i get stress sick, im out the whole days. and it could be that i get fut again on the weekend, rest still a bit, do some private stuff on monday and overwork my self with ambition that i get sick againbon tuesday and have to take sick leave again. Im not in for work for the whole 2 weeks right now becaise of this slump. I feel so bad for my coworkers
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u/CiderDrinker2 25d ago
You can shower AND brush your teeth?!! Man, that's impressive.
Seriously, all joking aside, when it gets like that, and you are still doing the minimum, that's a win. It sucks, but you are doing great. The standard might be temporarily low, but you are still meeting it.
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u/Huge_Surround5838 25d ago
That's a classic ADHD stress response: prioritizing the immediate crisis.
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u/King_Dead 25d ago
Oh I'm in that right now. It took a lot for me to actually brush my teeth today. Up until i was stressed i had been pretty good about it but I'm purely in survival mode rn
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u/spoonweezy 25d ago
I would say that is more a depression thing than an ADHD thing. One can lead to the other, though.
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u/deadweights 25d ago
Yes. I’ll forget (just stop?) doing any self care. Eat badly, sleep badly, all the things. The only saving roll I’ve found is refusing to quit exercising. Getting a good sweat on does two things:
- It produces endorphins. And they feel great.
- It encourages me to shower and shave. Because I’m gross and want to be not gross.
Yes that sounds like it was written by a 5 year old. No I don’t care. When executive function is at an all-time low I use every trick in the bag.
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u/Massive_Ordinary16 24d ago
Yes! I have a routine. I stick to it. But I don’t put as much care into it. It’s the bare minimum. Mentally I do well when stressed. Kinda. Like I get more done. I’m calm and can focus on the task. But physically? I’ll barely take care of myself. Food? What’s that. Self care? Don’t know her. At least until the task that’s causing the stress is over. And even then I need time to recharge. So it’s slow to get back to “normal”.
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u/tiredwitch 24d ago
It’s crazy how I forget that so many other people go through the same things that I always believe are uniquely unlucky experiences for me.
I have these “slip ups” so often, maybe like weekly. In the past month or so I have even forgotten to eat. I’ve always had problems with overeating so THAT was really alarming when I realized I’ve been consistently forgetting to.
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u/DlSSATISFIEDGAMER ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 24d ago
i'm currently in this cycle except the eating part, eating too much is what i do when i stress out or have nothing to occupy my mind with. Feel like i might be digging myself out of it though, today's the best day i've had in months and maybe i can keep this rolling
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u/ImNotNormal19 ADHD-HI (Hyperactive-Impulsive) 24d ago
Yes. This is predominantly what got me diagnosed. Even under medication I struggle with keeping my house clean, not even ordered. This causes me a lot of shame and I don't know what to do honestly.
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u/a-really-big-muffin 24d ago
I brushed my teeth this morning for the first time in... almost a month, probably. Haven't showered in a week or combed my hair in three days. I don't know if it's ADHD related, autism related, or anxiety related but I do know I'm sick of it. Shit's rough out there, I know exactly how you feel.
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u/SophieLousieH 24d ago
Yes, that's one of the parts others don't really understand about us, how we can be so capable and then so disabled.
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u/Drevvska 24d ago
no life gaming has ruined my life, i usually get home burnt from people driving like crazy idiots looking at their phones and doing dumb things, turn on the same game for the past 13 years that i get hooked into and stop thinking about life.
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u/sreneeweaver 24d ago
I’m trying to get back into “myself”. We recently moved, my oldest found out she’s pregnant (she’s 20, in school and only been with the dad for 5 months), kid number 2 called and asked me to bring them home from college for good due to their mental health, that was a 12 hour round trip done in a day, because we were literally moving in a couple of days. I also work for the federal govt-I’ve been stressed over that. I’ve forgotten to send Elon my “5 things email” two weeks in a row. I’ve missed a physical therapy appt, have no idea where my blow dryer is, or my make up. I’m just hanging on at this point.
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u/Reasonable_Award4257 24d ago
Reading this, I just realized that I view “care for your body tasks” as chores. 😳😶 Showering? Chore Brushing teeth? Chore Eating? Fucking chore
I love adhd 🫠💀 (I say that because I believe it’s from adhd {not being able to remember shit, not able to form “normal habits”, etc.} that causes me to view these as chores and not just a normal part of my day/routine. Because it takes effort to just remember to do them, not to mention actually following through and doing them)
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u/ElisabetSobeck 24d ago
I ‘charge myself up’ from my nightstand. Meds, vitamins, coffee, and big drink of water. Then some of my favorite songs and such. Then with some excess energy, I can repeat the usual cycles
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u/oceansofmyancestors 24d ago
Yeah. I skip showers for days. I bed rot. I watch tv while playing a game on my phone while not enjoying either thing. I disassociate. I start slacking at work. I can’t sleep, but I sleep too much, but I’m tired. I start isolating. It’s the best.
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u/Infinite_Salary_70 24d ago
I’m depressed and have ADHD so I do the bare minimum but I eat like two cows and a hippo!
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u/Angection 24d ago
I totally feel this. When I get overwhelmed I just want to lay in bed, I don't take time to cook healthy food, I do less walks, and don't have energy to talk to friends and family. I have wondered if this is ADHD, depression, or "just" fatigue. How can one tell the difference?
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u/smallchodechakra ADHD-C (Combined type) 24d ago
Yall are brushing your teeth when burnt out??
Jokes aside, yes. Very much yes
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u/Sonseeahrai 24d ago
I don't remember the last time I managed to do the bare minimum, not to mention actually caring for myself
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u/Nyxelestia 24d ago
bare minimum - quick shower, brush my teeth, throw on some comfortable clothes
Your bare minimum is more than my average. Does this count as self-abandonment if "abandoned" is my permanent, default state?
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u/jshegyi3rd 24d ago
Everyone eventually tells me that I don't deserve any time to myself if I can't keep up with what's expected of me.
So either I don't look after me or I get told not to look after me.
I'd rather just do it myself so I don't have to hear from anyone else why I'm such a terrible person.
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u/macchiatomama 24d ago
I’m in this right now and it is so helpful to read everyone else’s stories so thank you for posting this.
I have tomorrow off work and plan to do the work to get myself back on track. I can always feel it coming to an end and get that spark to get moving again.
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u/Nova-Redux 24d ago
I had three days off of work and I was so excited to finally get around to cleaning my house for the first time in like a year.
Instead I spent most of my time in bed and barely ate or drank anything. Now I'm at work and fighting a headache as I try to rehydrate and introduce food back into my system.
Depression + ADHD is a killer combo.
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u/nikito56 24d ago
Even when I'm ok I can't do the bare minimum. I skip brushing my teeth, I skip taking meds, I skip trimming my nails..... 🥲
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u/BritishFangirl 24d ago
oh my gosh this suddenly makes a lot of things make sense for me, thank you OP!
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u/snickerdandy 23d ago
Yes, it’s extremely easy to become a workaholic or at the other end, an understimulated potato
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u/gender-trainwreck 23d ago
Most of the time I'm in this cycle. Wearing the same socks for a week or two, wearing the same work uniform for weeks among other things. Feeding myself is definitely a difficult one because I cook at work so by the time I get home I don't have any spoons left for cooking let alone having to do the dishes for it
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u/No_Explanation3481 23d ago
I had to pause and give you mad props when i got to 'quick shower.'
That is a whole giant day consuming activity when youre feelin the freight train... yet ive found its the biggest difference of a thing to do to feel like less of a less than worthless piece of crap (not judging i am one too when what you describe hits).
Best to you and as long as youre taking those quick showers...youre gonna make it 😎
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u/chickienugs 23d ago
I’m struggling with that now, along with extremely low iron levels, and all I can do about it is cry and sleep 😩
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u/Select-Macaroon-3232 23d ago
I've only read to, "I stop exercising" in your post above to probably identify with the rest. I was a pro-level, ranked xc MTB cyclist. Over the course of five years, my body,though still trim, had obviously atrophied. I get sick of myself often. I mumble quite often. I don't relate, nor care to with the outside. I could go on
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u/PrincessAlbertPW 23d ago
My job just became much more hectic when in winter is over.
Havent shaved in four weeks... Brushing teeth requires alarms and reminders. I shower when I can smell myself.
So yes. When not stressed, it's not a problem. Except for the brushing teeth thing. Always had a difficult time making it a habit.
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u/VioletReaver 23d ago
My therapist tells me this is self-sabotage and a bit of “in for a penny, in for a pound” mentality!
It’s like “well I already feel like I’m a failure, I might as well let myself wallow in failure.”
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u/Distinct_Swimmer1504 23d ago
There is a book that can help you when you feel like this & abandon yourself like this. It’s really written for the survivors of childhood emotional neglect, but it’ll work in this situation.
Running On Empty by Jonice Webb
It’s a simple formula, so it should be easy to follow.
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u/Cr45hD0wN 23d ago
Yes. I abandoned myself for ten years. I'm still trying to repair myself after the isolation. It's not easy.
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u/fptnrb ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 23d ago
Yes. And stress and interestingness are often conflated. So I’ll be really distracted by some hard/interesting/stressful thing (usually work related) for awhile and then I realize I’ve fucked up a bunch of more basic things (both work and personal/family) that were probably simpler and higher value.
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u/rapetzel 20d ago
"I'm so mentally wrecked and I can't focus on anything but the problem that's stressing me." -- something about this articulation is so helpful. Thank you! When our family went through a really hard time, this tendency for me was taken to the extreme, and my inability to re-direct to anything but the stressor caused a lot of inter-family, interpersonal angst. The way you've written it out, it's so clear that this hyper-focus and overwhelm is associated with poor executive function, an inability to redirect attention or attend to anything / anyone else. But I hadn't quite closed that circle, so thank you again (new to my ADHD diagnosis, when the years of trauma therapy to get over this hard time eventually led to addressing the other demons that had been following my my whole life, which I had no idea were biological, so still putting the pieces of the story together).
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u/Master_Ebb_995 20d ago
Yes. This description hurts because it’s so accurate and I hadn’t thought of it that way before
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u/Cool_Elderberry_5614 ADHD-C (Combined type) 19d ago
…guilty AF. School is kicking my ass. I’m in an accelerated online program but in my defense, I was halfway through before I got my diagnosis so I had no idea how bad of an idea it was 😭😂
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u/Select-Macaroon-3232 18d ago edited 18d ago
I used to race pro class mountain biking. I've not ridden a bike on dirt in more than five years. I work 2-4 days a week. I stay in bed. In bed. The rest of the time I've probably got 8-10 hours in the saddle, total, in five years. It's strange to acknowledge it. I try and bury the fact the best I can
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u/Noneofyourbusiness70 25d ago
You lost me at quick shower and brushing my teeth. I get to the point that I sit around the house dirty and naked. Literally anything I could possibly do for myself I don’t do when I’m not feeling well.
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u/racer3x72 25d ago
It got so bad one time, I was fired from a job because I reacted poorly to a coworker. I had not been eating right, or sleeping right, I was putting in 200% at work. Of course nobody asked me to put in 200%. I’m not sure what I was trying to prove. I spent a couple of months without a job, self-esteem took a big hit, and I never want that to happen again. I have two jobs now . I’m eating better. I’m sleeping better because of what happened and I personally want to feel better -so I’m taking care of myself better now . I’m surviving paying rent…. But I have moments where I still wish I had been taking better care of myself eating right, sleeping better back then . Maybe I would’ve been more prepared to give a response to my narcissistic coworker. Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten fired. 🤷🏻
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u/TheDildoUnicorn ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 25d ago
Yep, it's not good, I feel like I've always been like this. Trying my best rn though.
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u/onesmugpug 25d ago
Oh yeah, it's not just you. Going through those days during the lockdown was pure hell.
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