::Weekly Vent Thread::

[u/AutoModerator]

Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.

[u/Comfortable_Note3156]

You want to quit your job? The job with the flexibility that allows you to work 3 days a week and receive full pay? That has done everything to accommodate your Adhd and autism? Because they "are fucking stupid and won't do as I say?" The 6th job you have had the last 11 years? With no other offer on your hands? That sounds like a fantastic idea.

[u/Artistic_Fault_2298 → u/Comfortable_Note3156]

There’s such a paradox of “the world isn’t made for adhd and no one understands us” to “they gave me what I wanted but not in the way I wanted it”

Can’t make up their minds and it’s infuriating.

[u/ErryBerryy → u/[deleted]]

OMG, I can’t relate to this comment and this thread enough. My husband walked out on my 10 month old daughter and I 5 weeks ago, and looking back this is absolutely his pattern. 5 jobs in 7 years, plus a PhD he almost didn’t finish (but I pushed him to because he had 6 months left and just needed to edit and submit his thesis). Complaints about his jobs are “it’s always everyone else’s fault” and as soon as he encounters any need for effort, confrontation, or issue, he quits and gets another job. Lo and behold he’s done the same thing with our marriage 🤷‍♀️

[u/ThenChampionship1862 → u/ErryBerryy]

I am so sorry to hear this. I really hope you and your daughter are ok

[u/This-Ear2320 → u/Artistic_Fault_2298]

Somehow they operate between with the oxymoron: “I just don’t fit in here please be gentle to me” and “My mind is a supercomputer everyone else should bow down to me”

[u/urcrookedneighbor → u/This-Ear2320]

I started browsing here to try and get along better with my roommate & this is spot on, my god

[u/BitterRaspberry1406 → u/Comfortable_Note3156]

THIS is everything, if they can’t have it their way they expect the grass is greener somewhere else, REALITY CHECK. My husband has gone through 4 jobs in 5 years because they “don’t appreciate me” or “they won’t listen to my suggestions”. Now he’s going back to school after having a year off of work and I’m on maternity leave.

[u/Sandybutthole604 → u/Comfortable_Note3156]

Omg can I have it?? My company is fully able to do this for me and they absolutely will not.

[u/crinkle_kutta]

I am so angry.

You bought your free and creative time with my labour. 

You were prepared to spend my physical, mental and emotional health. 

You kept me in line with bad behaviour - manipulative shame spirals that kept me on my toes. 

And after years of burnout on my part, after years of telling you that I couldn’t keep doing it all, the full time job and the housework and the absolute entirety of the mental labour, you had the gall to claim I had “blindsided” you when I finally said it was over.

Well, fuck all that. Fuck you.

[u/Proper-Canary-1800 → u/crinkle_kutta]

I could have written this word for word. Are we the same person? Are they all the same person? What a WILD condition.

[u/crinkle_kutta → u/Proper-Canary-1800]

Truly wild. I hope the other side is proving as peaceful for you as it is for me!

[u/Proper-Canary-1800 → u/crinkle_kutta]

Still processing a lot but compared to where I was a year ago right before I left, I am an entirely new person. I have been making new friends, doing activities I actually enjoy, and can actually go weeks without crying! 

[u/crinkle_kutta → u/Proper-Canary-1800]

I hear you. I’m still processing a lot too. Distance has allowed me to see how very wrong some of it was, and what bad shape I was in. It’s been pretty confronting.

[u/revb92 → u/crinkle_kutta]

This sounds like my future.

[u/Kind_Professional879]

Loneliness

I (nt) have learned to work with and around many of the issues that come up with being married to and raising the kids with my spouse(dx rx) for almost twenty years. On good days, I really can see the good aspects of his ADHD symptoms.

However, in my low moments, and especially recently as I've gotten older and the kids are now more independent, that the saddest part of being married to someone with ADHD is that it can feel so very lonely. There are just so many moments of feeling unseen, unheard, or unacknowledged that build up over the years. I already know I just don't bother saying some things aloud because history shows it won't be remembered. I am realizing now that the ultimate outcome of those adjustments (even though they "protect" me in the moment) is that I end up feeling quite alone.

I've accepted and committed to this relationship, and I am realistic about it. I'm not looking to hear advice, more just seeking for shared experiences and empathy.

[u/HumanBrush2117 → u/Kind_Professional879]

I’ve come to this realisation as well. It’s actually sad knowing that he  will not remember our moments or conversations together, or that he will happily spend all the free time he has tinkering with whatever special interest he has at the moment.  Edit: My comment was sent twice 

[u/rooted_as_chaya → u/Kind_Professional879]

All the rejection and loneliness has built up into some pretty powerful anger and resentment in me.

[u/I_forgot_to_remember → u/Kind_Professional879]

The part about not bothering to say things out loud because they won’t even remember really hits home.  I knew I was lonely after my kid moved out, but I didn’t realize just how much.

[u/LadyNyghtTyger → u/Kind_Professional879]

I feel this in my bones. I’m seriously considering getting a dog just to feel less alone and to feel loved in my own damn home. I realize that sounds incredibly pathetic but after 17 years, that’s just where I’m at.

[u/strongcoffee2go → u/LadyNyghtTyger]

Snuggling with my dogs is THE BEST. They adore me and never ever let me down 

[u/crescendo03 → u/Kind_Professional879]

You aren't alone in feeling lonely. I too feel so very lonely in my relationship!

[u/Successful_Dog_9565 → u/Kind_Professional879]

Stronger person than I am. I can’t handle the loneliness anymore. I’m gearing up to leave. No amount of communication ever changes anything. They expect you to tiptoe around their wants, while your needs go completely neglected. If they do listen, they’ll make jokes about it as if it’s funny to them. As if your feelings have never and will never matter. It’s their world. We’re all just living in it. I took my ring off months ago. I will never wear it again. I can’t take it anymore. I’m shattered enough to think for years I deserve this treatment, but I just want to be alone now.

[u/Business-Survey5401 → u/Kind_Professional879]

The loneliness hurts sometimes. I got to the point today where my partner asked how i was (not because he wanted to know but because he can’t ask me work questions without acknowledging my existence first-yes this is a rule) and I actually responded with im lonely, I miss you and can we please go to bed at the same time tonight. I know that for today he will remember and then… it will be forgotten.

On the unheard side of things sometimes it’s like I’m yelling I can’t do this all anymore I can’t carry everything I can’t be the back up for all of it help me, but he can’t hear me. Or I’m emotional and it’s not really that serious I’ll get over it and keep going.

We learn to put up a buffer and find support in other places and I do love him. But sometimes you just want your person not your substitute.

[u/Important-Hat-3908 → u/Kind_Professional879]

I’m five years and three kids in, so leaving will be incredibly difficult but I can’t stand the thought of being this lonely for the next 15-20 years while the kids grow up.

[u/BitterRaspberry1406 → u/Important-Hat-3908]

I’m in the exact spot you are, feeling like my hands are tied because my kids are so little I can’t fathom being away from them.

[u/Hot_Dip_Or_Something → u/Kind_Professional879]

I feel you.

[u/This-Ear2320]

I’m so sick of constantly playing the role of damage control. You haven’t filed taxes yet? I should remind you. You don’t know where your W2 is? I should’ve set it aside for you. You don’t like where I set it? Sorry. You need help with TurboTax? Okay I’ll cancel my plans for the day. You’re angry about taxes in general? Okay sorry. I’m forcing you to sit down and do taxes? Okay I’ll try to make it fun. Your car registration is up tomorrow? I should remind you. You’re mad I reminded you? Sorry. You’re mad that I chose not to remind you? Sorry. You don’t like what I made for dinner? Okay I won’t do it again. You’re mad that I didn’t ooo and ahhh over your latest junk project? I’ll spend the whole day making up for it apparently. I stopped you from yelling at your family? No no I’m on your side babe. You yelled at your family? I’ll take the brunt of your meltdown.

It’s so exhausting. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. Every move I make is governed by his emotional reaction. Every choice I make is wrong. Im giving up now.

[u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 → u/This-Ear2320]

You being exhausted is the reason he does it. He likes you this way.

[u/Minimum-Tomatillo942 → u/Gold-Sherbert-7550]

Something just clicked after reading this...

[u/Tenprovincesaway → u/This-Ear2320]

“Every choice I make is wrong.” OOF I feel this.

[u/BitterRaspberry1406 → u/This-Ear2320]

And what do we do about it? is it worth staying and fighting for or do we just get to a place where we are so emotionally numb for being wrong all the time that we live our lives out in internal conflict?

[u/HumanBrush2117]

Here's how our weekends usually go: He asks if I have any plans, and if I say no, he’s off to do his own thing. If I’ve got something planned, he’ll tag along, but he never plans anything for us to do together. 

[u/Admirable-Pea8024 → u/HumanBrush2117]

It's so lazy. Mine has literally never planned any outings for us. He tries to excuse this with "but I pay half the time and besides, you have fun" and "I prefer to wing things." Note that, left to "wing it," he'll rot in bed and maybe wander to the closest restaurant at 8 pm. 

[u/HumanBrush2117 → u/Admirable-Pea8024]

Mine also likes to “wing it” or “go with the flow” which means that he will not plan anything, and then shrug when we can’t do whatever we wanted to do. 

[u/Substantial_Ease_503 → u/HumanBrush2117]

Yes, waiting for him to make plans means I stay on the sofa with a book all weekend!

[u/AffectionateSalad622 → u/HumanBrush2117]

Mine asks me every weekend what the plans are, and if i can't list off a bunch of things he gets angry that there's nothing planned, but never has any suggestions of his own.

[u/wouldntwannabeyah]

I've been lurking in this sub for a while now and it's been so helpful for me to finally stand up for myself and just admit separation and divorce.

I get blamed for not leaving enough chores for them to do, but if I leave it too long it doesn't get done anyways. I also clean to de-stress and yet that is a problem? I'm nervous to have sex (due to abortion bans and having sexual trauma) and yet you use that as an excuse to leave? Even though I talked about not having a libido right now and you said it was ok... You've been agreeing with me on things and then all of a sudden you write a letter that it's actually not ok. We literally have been talking about specific plans for our family for weeks now and yet you now say your responses were a lie and a test which is now leading you to wanting a full separation/divorce?

Fine then. I'm tired of picking up the pieces all the time and being "in trouble" and you suddenly become happy again to not even apologize. I'm tired of being essentially a single parent because you have social anxiety. I just don't know what else to do anymore if the things I say and do are used against me and you cannot even see the love I'm pouring out to you. Clearly my love is not what you want or need and I don't know how to love you any other way. Even when I say I love you, you tell me you don't believe me.

I think those last three correspondence were the last straw and I'm ready to move on. I need someone who can be there for me and let me talk about my emotions without a complete shutdown.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk, rant over.

[u/Hot_Dip_Or_Something → u/wouldntwannabeyah]

As hard as it is, I hope you at least feel somewhat relieved of the burden. I hope everything works out

[u/wouldntwannabeyah → u/Hot_Dip_Or_Something]

Thank you :).

I think admitting that it's the end, instead of speculating for years, has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I wish I had discovered this subreddit years ago as it helped me realize it actually wasn't me this entire time, but them and how they react to things.

[u/Hot_Dip_Or_Something → u/wouldntwannabeyah]

I agree, this subreddit named so many things I've been feeling for years. 

[u/OkEnd8302 → u/wouldntwannabeyah]

Your emotions are valid! You should not have to be a single parent and also parent an adult child unwilling to be accountable or get the professional help needed to change.

Avoidance and withdrawal and running away is way easier—life only gets more challenging and complex as we get older.

[u/wouldntwannabeyah → u/OkEnd8302]

Exactly! And once I realized that, it changed my whole view of our relationship. Especially since they won't get help and then complain I didn't plan their tasks enough. I swear sometimes they are at the same level as our kindergartener

[u/OkEnd8302 → u/wouldntwannabeyah]

That same kindergartner is going to exceed your soon-to-be-ex in executive functioning and adulting and emotional awareness. It's WILD.

I found myself walking on eggshells for my toddler being...a toddler. Because my ex would get overwhelmed and say we added so much stress to his bachelor-style life (not even living together). I can't imagine how horrible it could have been with a newborn and living together.

[u/Admirable-Pea8024 → u/OkEnd8302]

The living like a bachelor (or other single person). I swear, so many of them want the benefits of a relationship but not the responsibilities. I don't live with mine and he still somehow manages to do this. Does things like say it's unfair I expect him to not blow me off to spend leisurely time with his friends after saying he'd spend time with me. Yeah, sorry you can't just do whatever you want, whenever you want. 

[u/OkEnd8302 → u/Admirable-Pea8024]

I feel like the "I wanna do what I want, whenever I want" bachelor ethos, when faced with my reality of being a solo parent with a toddler, turned me into sexy Mary Poppins with on-demand homecooked meals and tolerance for hours and hours of video games played. 🙄

[u/ThenChampionship1862 → u/Admirable-Pea8024]

Oh my god this. He cancelled on a date night with me to get chicken wings with his friends. He is 41 years old. I was upset. So then it’s the meltdown and the whataboutism - remember when I cancelle d plans nine months ago because I had to work?! Now he is an ex and I am much happier

[u/Admirable-Pea8024 → u/ThenChampionship1862]

Children have a better sense of their relational responsibilities, I swear.

Mine's pulled this stunt a few times. Latest occasion was when there was a minor crisis and I called him while he was out finishing something up at a friend's. He told me I was his priority and he'd call me back right away once he'd packed up and gotten in the car, then spent nearly half an hour saying a leisurely goodbye to his buddies. When I complained, he said it wasn't fair for me to make it into a competition between me and his friends. 

[u/wouldntwannabeyah → u/OkEnd8302]

Yes omg me too! And yet when I comment about how they're just a kid, I get an eye roll or a shutdown. Yelling also seems to be common cause of our kid "not listening" but when I take a gentle approach, I get in trouble...

I'm so looking forward to seeing my kid exceed and know that I caused that.

[u/OkEnd8302 → u/wouldntwannabeyah]

Actual kid vs adult kid—you can raise an emotionally healthy and mature future adult! That's our goal.

Yet the adult kid/partner insists actual kid/toddler needs consequences and timeouts when they get overwhelmed or frustrated by the kid. It's like they forgot that they still respond in a way that doesn't match their chronological age. Whereas a 3 or 5 y/o is developmentally normal in their behavior. Mine acted like a 2.5  y/o was being defiant or should have been perfect during potty-training and would take it as a personal affront when I had to change pull-ups 🫣

They believe a young kid won't learn from conscious/gentle parenting (punishment doesn't work on kids under 3!) or that we're too easy on the kid, so the irony is just bananas. Because we're being hugely tolerant and loving towards the adult kid, until we realize it's just enabling them.

[u/wouldntwannabeyah → u/OkEnd8302]

This is really eye-opening and thank you for saying that. Really validates some of the things I've thought about but I was labeled wrong.

I knew something was up when our kid prefers to play and hang out with me all the time and not Dad. And yet Dad thinks that is the kid's (and my) fault without taking blame or trying to figure out why. But if I dare suggest why then all hell breaks loose. It's exhausting 😮‍💨

[u/OkEnd8302 → u/wouldntwannabeyah]

How did you even survive the newborn and early toddler years?! The parent the kid expresses the biggest "bad" emotions around (like sadness, anger, etc) is also the parent your kid feels the most emotionally safe with and accepted and loved by. It's ironic, but it's a sign of secure attachment. 

It makes sense that your kindergartener prefers being around you—you're the actual adult, and it shows. Kids are way more perceptive and resilient than we often give them credit for. 

I honestly am still processing how it went all upside-down and sideways, since I thought, "Well, I already have a toddler and we don't live with the adult so it won't overwhelm him?" But sleep regressions and potty-training and super normal development milestones like a toddler loving to ask the same question over and over and over all caused me to clench my teeth and feel anxious because I was scared of triggering my partner's frustration/impatience/stress levels.   

We even stopped sleeping over on weekends because he made a big deal of my toddler having night terrors or crying and it affecting his sleep, which was crucial for his sobriety. But apparently not for my sanity as a parent? I even witnessed glimmers of what seemed like jealousy when the three of us were together but my kid would clamor for my attention and affection. He once remarked, "Why don't you two date?" I was shocked. It was like...who hurt you, bro? 

I started feeling torn between my kid and my partner and guilty because I couldn't emotionally regulate everyone without inciting some criticism about how I was too gentle or soft with the actual toddler.

But then the adult toddler would say things like "You heat up food way better than I do!" and I'd find myself stirring mac and cheese over the stove so he wouldn't be subject to the microwave stuff. I'm still so bewildered by how he made it all about being unhappy and needing space without any parameters. They want to have their cake and eat it too, as long as you bake and ice the cake and serve it to them.

[u/swifter-222]

my dream is to have a neurotypical for a partner with normal behaviors and normal libido and who actually takes facts into account. someone who i can plan things with…

[u/Individual_North9290 → u/swifter-222]

God it almost feels so evil to think this. But at the same time yes. But also I absolutely love my partner when he’s actually on his best behavior and a day where his symptoms are low… but at the same time again… the resentment for years of RSD and dysfunction in our relationship has caused me so much irreversible pain. I am so stuck.

[u/Hot_Dip_Or_Something → u/Individual_North9290]

I get it, I've been in the game so long I'm not even sure what the other side would look like. 

[u/Imaginary_Canary_974 → u/swifter-222]

Whenever I’m with my ADHD partner, I feel insane when I bring up simple needs like waking up on time or not forgetting things constantly, and nothing ever really changes. Whenever I spend time with other people, I’m like holy shit so it isn’t me, other people can actually be pro active and plan things, then follow through.

[u/LiarLiarPlants4hire1 → u/swifter-222]

This plus not giving long winded perspectives, arguments, and circle reasoning. Like i heard the stance, saying it over and over doesn’t change anything apart from making the receiver exhausted, overwhelmed and just over whatever is being said.

[u/Usual-Lingonberry885 → u/swifter-222]

Consistency for a starter

[u/ThenChampionship1862 → u/[deleted]]

I’d like normal libido as in not asexual. Or at least admitting he is asexual so I’m not constantly gaslit

[u/rothrowaway24]

he’s away for work for the week and it’s just me and the kids… it’s incredibly depressing that i know this will be the most relaxing week i’ve had in a long time because i have one less person to emotionally manage.

i hate that i can’t relate at all when my friends mention how much their spouse does and that whenever they’re gone they can’t wait for them to be home, meanwhile, i know things will be back to chaos and living life on his “schedule” once he gets back.

[u/Aromatic-Arugula-724 → u/rothrowaway24]

Yes ! Yesterday afternoon he “ remembered “ an invitation from his friend to come over for dinner and watch a movie and said it’s probably too late to RSVP. I suggested that he just text his friend and then did an inner celebration when he said he was going out. I could relax. And yes , my friends have husbands that help ( some more than others) and it’s hard to listen to them talk about it

[u/Individual_Front_847 → u/rothrowaway24]

I’m like, GTfO already! Like hang out with a friend. He’s always here! I literally never miss him.

[u/BitterRaspberry1406 → u/rothrowaway24]

I feel this. I’m on maternity leave with my 3rd baby and my husband (dx not rx) happens to be ‘in between’ jobs (as they always are) and thinking about going back to school. This maternity leave so far has felt horribly ruined by him being around the house. He’s home and wants me with him 24/7 which means we run on his schedule 24/7, but it’s my fault for getting burnt out for not asking for time for myself. I just want to live how I want to live without a dictator.

[u/onlynnt]

You didn't pay into your CPP like I begged you to do for years as you claimed you made more money than me. Now, after having zero income for years, you can apply for CPP, and you get nothing. I'm stuck with you until you die. I hate your guts for ruining my life and continuing to ruin my life. You are a deadbeat loser, and I look forward to you not being an albatross around my neck. You've never been a partner. You've always been a burden. You're useless.

[u/LadyNyghtTyger]

First time posting here as I only recently found this community. I wept with sadness and relief as I read through posts because I thought I was the only one who was experiencing these things and I thought a lot of it was my fault. Anyway, so I got to start my morning with a headache and dealing with an RSD episode from my partner (dx rx) all because I had the audacity to mention…. the weather. Apparently my tone indicated that I was judging him. Well I’m so fucking sorry that my head is killing me and I have to do a fuckton of laundry AND cook both lunch and dinner for the week and forgot to sound meek and apologetic! And I guess that ONE fun thing I asked to do this weekend sure as shit ain’t happening. Oh look! It’s 7 fucking pm and a fun activity did NOT take place! I’m shocked. /s Fuck. This. Shit. And fuck you.

[u/BitterRaspberry1406 → u/LadyNyghtTyger]

When we’re feeling off, we better fucking not act like it or we’ll be apologizing for it, but when they’re off, it’s like they can act like a tornado of a 2 year old with a tantrum and we’ll still be apologizing for it!!! (Trust me, I have a 2 year old and there isn’t much difference)

[u/Maleficent_Plate_325 → u/LadyNyghtTyger]

My only advice to you is… do that fun thing you want to do, do it alone, do it without the agro and the headache and enjoy the life out of it!! That’s the best revenge to the sullen teenage antics that happen to ruin everything! Go live and do those things that make you happy!

[u/LadyNyghtTyger → u/Maleficent_Plate_325]

Thank you! This is something I’ve been discussing with my therapist and working on. My depression stole parts me and so did accommodating his ADHD/depression/anxiety, so I’ve really been making a concerted effort to revitalize those parts of me that I lost along the way. And it’s working slowly but surely.

[u/Former-Sympathy-2657]

How is it I have birthed three children and gone through three separate newborn stages (the last two while parenting other kids) and yet the sleeping and bathroom habits of a 38 year old man cause me more inconvenience than all three aforementioned children combined? Seriously.

[u/Aromatic-Arugula-724 → u/Former-Sympathy-2657]

Yes - this ! I have two kids and their sleep schedule is years behind me ( teenagers ) but there is no escaping the constant struggle of is he going to be well rested today or is every single thing going to set him off. The lack of self awareness when he is tired is overwhelming

[u/Former-Sympathy-2657 → u/Aromatic-Arugula-724]

Mine is randomly up all night and then is exhausted all day, doesn't sleep well and then doesn't get up for work, finds a way to have to use the bathroom for a half hour to an hour (it's about 2 hours a day total) when I need help or could use help. It is endlessly frustrating. I cannot stand it.

[u/imaginative_hedgehog]

Realizing how much being with my adhd partner has stunted my own growth and it’s hard to digest.

I’m a 39 yr old F married to a DX 40 yr old M, together 9 yrs. My approaching milestone birthday has brought up a lot of grief and deep disappointment at the ways in which this relationship has limited my growth. I lacked mature capable parents and had to figure a lot of things out on my own, which already had me feeling like I was behind somehow in life.

Then, I’ve basically had to serve as a parent to my partner for a decade of my life, trying to teach him basic life skills and responsibility. Recently it hit me like a tons of bricks that this man hasn’t taught me anything. Hasn’t expanded my worldview or stimulated my mind in any sort of positive way. He hasn’t inspired growth in me; he’s actually brought out the worst in me as I grow more and more resentful of parenting a grown man. This man who has absolutely no curiosity and no desire for growth has absolutely dulled me in every way.

I feel so deeply sad that the wisdom I expected from myself by age 40 isn’t there. I grieve the life I could have had either on my own or with someone who could have taught me things and nurtured my growth. I know that’s on me for staying but a relationship like this makes one so tired that you can’t even muster the energy to think about more than getting through the next day.

I’ve decided to leave, that’s for certain. I’m just sad for what feels like a wasted decade. And sad that I didn’t see it sooner, how much this was limiting and diminishing my growth. I didn’t realize how hungry I was for an intellectually equal, curious about life kind of partner until I’m here, staring 40 in the face, absolutely starving for it.

[u/wolfbanquet → u/imaginative_hedgehog]

I have a similar story and just wanted to share that although you can't change the past, I'm sure you have learned some lessons that will serve you well in the future. For me, the big lesson is not abandoning myself, not shoving my needs down, being afraid to have standards. I have codependent tendencies and feel like I have made real progress on seeing those unhealthy patterns and am hopeful this will help me eventually be with someone in a healthy and mutually supportive way (and just learning in general I can kick ass at life independently).

[u/imaginative_hedgehog → u/wolfbanquet]

Thank you for saying that, it landed well. And good for you!! I think I could say the same actually. It’s hard to imagine ever wanting to partner again but if I did, I would approach dating so dramatically different after all this. What I thought mattered has changed so much and I know myself so much better now. I would only partner with a neurotypical person at this point. I just couldn’t do ANY of this again, even with someone better regulated and more insightful.

[u/jimschrute → u/imaginative_hedgehog]

Damn, I think we all felt this.

[u/ThenChampionship1862 → u/imaginative_hedgehog]

Im turning 40 in July. Same exact spot that you are in. Here is hoping that the next decade will be one of adventure and growth for both of us as we leave these dead weight relationships behind

[u/Individual_Front_847 → u/imaginative_hedgehog]

I’m right there with you. He’s adding nothing to my life at all. I’m evolving, improving my health, education, job, etc. I’ve found myself turning into an angry person because I just want to ball up and hide away. I don’t enjoy spending time with him which turns into me doing nothing. For example, I might want to go on a weekend trip, but I don’t want him to go with so I just do nothing. I want to play a board game with the kids but I don’t want him there so I do nothing.

[u/Pixxiprincess]

I should not be the one responsible for reminding you to take your medication 🙃

[u/SometimesISeeFlames]

Came home from a four-day work trip to a “couples therapy or divorce” ultimatum. I picked the second option.

This was partially because, on the way to have the ultimatum delivered, I tripped over the laundry bag of clean towels they had asked me to wash for them before I left, which I had placed in the kitchen as agreed. It was in exactly the same spot where I had left it, but tipped over and with towels coming out onto the dirty floor. Asking gently: “do you want some help putting the clean towels away?” resulted in, verbatim: “I’m not prepared to answer that question, and it hurt my feelings that you asked.”

[u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 → u/SometimesISeeFlames]

I know that is not actually funny in the moment from from a distance, how fucking hilariously stupid is that.

[u/SometimesISeeFlames → u/Gold-Sherbert-7550]

What really gets me is that they’re not a stupid person—we met in a demanding graduate program, they’re incredibly insightful about high-level conceptual stuff, and I know for a fact that they’re really smart. And I’ve certainly said ridiculous things when caught off guard myself, but still. This blew my mind.

[u/Hot_Dip_Or_Something]

I’ve been waiting for this all week. Early last week, I found out that they had not planned anything for our youngest’s birthday since they’ll have a party this weekend. They were perfectly content to just leave them with my parents, not get any presents, cake, nothing. I found out about this the day before and had to balance work and making everything happen the next day so that our son could celebrate his birthday with his family on his actual birthday. All of this while they are the mostly stay at home parent. They work part time, maybe 6 - 8 hours per week from home. This day is already a sore point anyway since we used to have two date nights a week where the kids stayed late with my parents and we had a chance to eat dinner together after work and watch a show we were into. They decided to change their work schedule to work more on Wednesdays and now we only have one night. No work schedule had to change to have dinner with our family on his birthday, just that it had to be planned. This was unacceptable to me. I don’t know how to cope with how nonchalantly they were willing to just not celebrate our son’s birthday.  Then I found out that they haven’t paid rent in 3 months. We haven’t talked much this week and I have no idea how I’m going to come back from this. I’m also mad because I need to beg for a day to myself, but my parents have the kids three days per week while my partner is home, two days they work, 1 has nothing steady scheduled.

[u/Fickle-Frosting-3191 → u/Hot_Dip_Or_Something]

This one hit me. I work FT and my partner is PT whenever he has work, most of which has come from my network since he’s a carpenter but can’t figure out how to get work or advertise himself. We have an almost 2 year old who he could be saving me 3600 a month watching, instead we keep a nanny so he can potentially find work. Fridays I wfh so it’s his day to be out all day to work — when he actually works he gets back at 9 pm without a heads up and if he’s outside cutting wood and smoking weed in the garage and I ask to go do my nails for an hour in that Friday he flips out on me. I’m so tired of planning everything, stressing about money since he brings in 1/5 of what I make and also feeling like the only adult in our relationship. I’ve told him to go to therapy so many times and he then bitches that my dog hates him and he won’t go until I get rid of the dog…but this was the case before the dog. The explosiveness when he drives recklessly while my kid is with us just enrages me. Like you’re a fuck up, a toooooooootal fuck up with no plan, no future and a wierd ass personality that ppl do no understand. He has no friends like legit, not one except his family. So all his crazy energy gets funneled towards me and I have to understand when he’s upset at something but when I am nervous or upset, it then becomes about him again and why am I doing this to him.

He never asks me about my dreams or well being anymore and barely did before. This forum has really helped me to vocalize the loneliness you take on with this kind of partner and after 10 years of dealing with dead end jobs and asks to work on himself, I’m so fucking over it. He’s super smart too so he thinks he’s a genius but he has zero common sense and it’s so unattractive to me.

[u/ThenChampionship1862 → u/Fickle-Frosting-3191]

Whyyyyy do so many of these men think they are unappreciated geniuses despite having no output to contribute to society to back that claim

[u/Accurate-Neck6933 → u/Hot_Dip_Or_Something]

Good lord, can’t even pay the rent or plan a party and barely works. What the heck do they do all day.

[u/Admirable-Pea8024]

This past week has been full of varying amounts of manipulation (guilting me to do something he swore he was okay with me not doing), constant lateness, pushing me "for my own good," obviously not listening to me, relational laziness (I have to reach out, I have to make any plans), and excuses. All done calmly and casually, so he doesn't even have the excuse of strong emotions getting the better of him. 

[u/Novel_Bookkeeper_963]

Me (f NT) Him (dx/rx) both mid 40s.

My husband comes home from a 12 hour work shift and the first thing that he does is love on our dog, yell to the kids to feed her and give water, grab his nicotine of choice and head out into the backyard for hours of smoking. Still furious from the other nights therapy session I decided to give him a piece of my mind.

I said that the way he dotes on our dog and makes sure she has what she wants/needs, that's what I was expecting our relationship to be like. Him: So you want me to rub you? At this point I can't tell if he's f---- with me or is losing his mind.

[u/possiblyaccurate]

This morning started with me accidentally turning a fan off that she asked me to leave on earlier in the morning. I apologized, said I just did it out of habit, sorry. That turned into being an example of my lack of caring for things she cares about. When I responded that I do in fact care about her, the fan thing was just an accident, she doubled down. When I asked for more information on what she was referring to, the only thing she could bring up was the fan thing. Except that it "wasn't the issue, just the trigger". So surely there would be lots of other stuff to talk about once we got past the trigger right? Wrong. The only tangible thing I was told was the fan. When I didn't profusely apologize for seeing how I am always doing things that show I don't care about her wishes, that only proved to her that her thoughts and feelings on are validated. Facts don't matter. Me asking for clarification and getting circular "always" and "never" responses without any actual examples of what she is talking about doesn't matter. I'm so tired of being in conversation where facts don't matter.

[u/CoilvsTheBody → u/possiblyaccurate]

The hyperbole concerning our behavior, and the confidence in which it is asserted, relative to their ability to provide concrete examples demonstrating the "always" or "never" nature of their statements is gaslighting to the utmost degree. It is absolutely maddening.

[u/ThenChampionship1862 → u/possiblyaccurate]

I sympathize. I felt like I had to pin him down like a detective or a lawyer to a witness on the stand with such an aggressive tone to break through this before he would back down. But I want a relationship where I don’t have to scream exhibit A at my partner over nothing just because I won’t be gaslit or an emotional punching bag

[u/Feisty-Run-6806]

Took the clean laundry out of the dryer and threw it on the dirty basement floor. Could not explain why except “he had to carry something else” or was “distracted.”

Ok, then leave it in the dryer.or put it on top of the dryer. Or in a laundry basket. So many better options.

[u/NoDependent1029]

I developed c-ptsd from this relationship. My heart breaks for my younger self when I recall the things I went through caused entirely by his issues. It's taking years for me to unwrap it all and slowly heal.

[u/NoDependent1029 → u/NoDependent1029]

Adding to my comment. Having a healthy mindset turned out to be detrimental. I would try to take accountability for my part in an issue, as one should in a healthy relationship. I'd never just blame my partner for an issue, (even when it was blatantly his problem) I would try to compromise and to see his side and try new, improved ways to communicate and find solutions... only to still be met with RSD and DARVO and completely nonsensical arguments. His extreme reactions had me convinced I was always at fault somehow. I lost my confidence, my voice, my self preservation. 

[u/exhausted91]

I wish every day I could go back in time and never meet him. I wish I had married a neurotypical partner who had his shit together who I could have built a beautiful and fulfilling life with. But instead I’m stuck with him, and our lives are so intertwined after being together more years than not that the damage of dissolving it at this point would be slightly worse than staying.

[u/strongcoffee2go → u/exhausted91]

I could have written this, except: once my kid is grown I'm out. She's chronically ill which makes it hard for me to make the money I need to be independent and he makes a lot (thanks to having a spouse that takes care of everything else). But I'm out in a few years. The peace will be worth it 

[u/goodgodboy]

No we cant live together.

No you cant clean.

No its not okay, One week i clean another you clean, theres things that need to BE clean everyday and i dont want all that on me.

No i cant make you a schedule with chores every week, cleaning after yourself, closing a drower, turning the light off, closing the balcony door, arent chores.

No its not okay even if we have two separate rooms and you keep the mess on yours, you wont keep the mess on yours, and i dont want bed clothing smelling bad in my house.

I dont want you to complaing to me how tired you are about the things every adult does everyday, while i have to go after you in order to get it done correctly.

I dont want to have to go after you, every time you use something to see if you turned it on and off.

I dont want to have to tell a grown ass person to trow out the Trash or clean the dishes 5 Times before they do it.

Im sorry.

[u/Proof_Pin6691]

How can I be thankful for the piles of mess finally getting dealt with when the family is neglected as a result? I don't get to stop caring for everyone when I need to get the laundry done...

Why can't I get past the mental block of explaining where I stand? I've been able to work up to conversations in the past, but now it feels so much heavier.

I feel guilty for reaching out to friends repeatedly/coming here for support when I can't take action.

I know where I'm at and I know I can't let things remain as they are, but man am I just stuck in fear of the future.

[u/Hot_Dip_Or_Something → u/Proof_Pin6691]

I feel that, why bring up how we feel or what we need? It seems to have no bearing on what is going to happen. 

[u/flyingaurelia]

He won't do chores unless I tell him to. He won't use initiative. He says he does, but taking the garbage out once a week or cleaning up a little mess our toddler made now and again isn't enough. I don't like asking him to do things, it isn't my natural personality. But if I don't, he won't. And he said he is will do things if I ask him nicely with a kiss on the cheek and give him a beer rather than wait until I'm frustrated and just say this needs to be done. So I guess I'll give it a try to show my appreciation rather than frustration. He makes it seem reasonable but it somehow also makes me feel stuck.

[u/crinkle_kutta → u/flyingaurelia]

Hey friend, it doesn’t sound reasonable to me. You are not responsible for managing his emotions regarding the need to tackle the daily tasks of life. And the work that needs doing to manage a household isn’t something you’re imposing on him or need to apologise for; it’s just a fact of life that he doesn’t like. Rewarding him with sweet kisses or beers or a gold star for his sticker chart may or may not work in the long run, but it’ll also put you in the position of parent rather than partner. It is reasonable for you to want and need a proactive and mature partner. 

[u/Mendota6500 → u/crinkle_kutta]

100% agree with this. Adults need to do chores and household tasks; this is a normal part of adulthood. Obviously it's not the most fun thing we could be doing, but it's our job as adults to manage our own feelings/behavior about that. He can reasonably expect you to be basically pleasant about coordinating stuff with him, but you're not his Mary Poppins running around making sure he has a spoon full of sugar every time he needs to vacuum or whatever. 

[u/Useful-Leave-8139 → u/flyingaurelia]

Yes!! All of this!! And I hate how you have to throw a freaking parade for them after they do a chore that they should Just be expected to do. What are you, 5? Do you need a lollipop and a hug everytime you empty the dishwasher? Sheesh. It’s maddening.

[u/I_forgot_to_remember]

I hate asking a question and just getting a blank, wide mouth open stare.  I hate that deer in the headlights look when I ask a simple question.  I asked where the mustard was, not how to fell a tree and build a house with your bare hands.  

[u/strongcoffee2go → u/I_forgot_to_remember]

The stare and the visible panic. It's a yes/no answer ffs!

[u/I_forgot_to_remember → u/strongcoffee2go]

lol, I forgot the visible panic.  It drives me insane!  

[u/Naughty_Bawdy_Autie]

Complete lack of boundaries.

I've worked all day, I've cooked dinner, I'm now doing an hour and a half prep for an exam I have coming up, which I have to do every day for the next few weeks.

My ADHD partner is annoyed because I refuse to put up the Gazebo in the garden, right now. And she kept asking over and over and over, until I had to shout.

Thanks for ruining the evening.

I. am. not. a. slave.

[u/ThenChampionship1862 → u/Naughty_Bawdy_Autie]

Oof that last sentence hit hard

[u/thegingerofficial]

I’m also angry that I’ve given up on having an organized and clean home. Bathroom is gross? Oh well. Countertop cluttered? Meh. I’ve just given up. No matter what I do, I am completely out of control over the state of my surroundings because he will undo it all faster than I can clean it. And he does clean, he take the trash out and wipes the counters. Except when he cooks, he won’t cover the pan so oil gets on absolutely everything, so goodbye to the days of a simple wipe down. I give up even doing the dishes, he’ll have it in a nightmare state by the end of the day. I’ll clean out our storage room, he’ll have it torn apart again within weeks. I’ll clean the sink or shower, he’ll have it coated in his hair again within the day. I thrive in a clean, neat home. It’s alarming to me that I’ve given up on even trying. He doesn’t have the same standards as me. He’ll try to meet my standards, but he doesn’t hold those himself. I don’t think he can, they live in chaos. But I can’t say that because it’ll hurt his feelings. Because reality is offensive, and offensive things trigger RSD, and RSD shoves me to the side and gives me the middle finger. My autism cannot handle a lack of control over my environment. I don’t have a single space to myself.

[u/jaydilinger → u/thegingerofficial]

I just found this group and I see so many that have the same experience as me. Literally cannot keep a flat space open from clutter. Always boxes of something or papers. It’s always important and will get finished by tomorrow. I’m thinking about making every table top sit on a slant so nothing can be stored on top of them.

[u/thegingerofficial → u/jaydilinger]

Your slant idea is brilliant honestly. I’m always terrified anytime I bring home a new table or something with a drawer, because I know what will fill it. I’m glad you found the group, but sorry you had to do so

[u/ThrowFarFarAway036 → u/thegingerofficial]

God how I relate to this. He will increase his filth in direct proportion to my cleaning efforts. When I half-heartedly wipe the counter, he will spill a few drops of juice and not wipe it up. The last time I scrubbed and bleached and sanitized the counter, he turned it into a workbench and destroyed it by slopping superglue all over it and leaving it to dry in puddles. But it's still my fault, since he was trying to repair a rice steamer, and that "counts" as mine because I do the cooking.

[u/thegingerofficial → u/ThrowFarFarAway036]

That’s downright infuriating.

[u/Accurate-Neck6933 → u/thegingerofficial]

I feel this a lot. My husband works week in and week off. Week off I don’t do shit. Why should I, he just messes it all up.

[u/thegingerofficial]

He started a new therapist, which is largely a yay thing. But, as usual, the therapist spends some time validating his struggles (as he should as his therapist). This resulted in him coming home and telling me how I need to extend him grace because he will always struggle with things. Our issues lately has been him failing to fulfill commitments he chooses to make to me. I’m supposed to just be okay with him not fulfilling them sometimes. Even if it’s the same commitment, unfulfilled every single month.

I told him that I have proven time and time again I’m happy to give grace if he is honest and aware about the commitments he can and can’t handle, and if he actually communicates with me when he’s struggling, needs to step back from a commitment, or needs help. He never says anything about it until I bring up that said commitment hasn’t been fulfilled, then he wants grace after it’s already been failed and I’ve felt abandoned.

It takes hours upon hours and days or weeks of convincing to get him to see my side. And he’ll probably forget it and we’ll have the same fight next month. But again, give grace! Accept these struggles! I’m so incredibly frustrated that when a therapist discusses with him how it can be difficult from my POV, things he needs to work on, etc, he latches onto the validation part and, despite saying it sooo sweetly, kinda feels like he throws it in my face. Like “see? I’m just gonna struggle so you have to accept that I will forget things” okay but it’s not forgetting things when you choose to commit to something you knew you couldn’t handle (because he views me as his boss and anything I ask for is a command, not a question open for discussion despite me saying so constantly). It’s not forgetting when you’re so unaware of yourself that you don’t realize you’re crumbling under too many obligations and choose to say nothing to me about it. It’s not forgetting when you choose not to work on your “I can do it all!” mentality. It’s not forgetting when you choose to never ask for help in appropriate ways. It’s not forgetting when you treat yourself like a subservient follower of my lead.

WHERE IS THE ACCOUNTABILITY??? I’m so tired. I’m angry. I’m emotionally exhausted. I said I had one issue after he’d done a handful of good things that day, therefore I erased all the good he did. I just want a normal relationship. Please for the love of god I just want normalcy. I’m expected to bend on absolutely everything while also expected to be totally fine with failed commitments consistently? I even tell him “what if I regularly didn’t fulfill my commitments to you?” And he says he’d be upset and wouldn’t feel trust. Yet I still have to prove my point for hours more. Fuck ADHD and fuck the women who teach their ADHD sons that they are helpless and must latch on to any woman who will guide them. No matter how much work I do, it’s never enough. It will never be enough until I say “you can walk all over me however you see fit and it will never affect me ever!!!!”

[u/Appropriate_Two_3491]

Is this normal ADHD SO (RX medicated) I work from home, end of the day, set the house up, candles, mood, clean, spotless, music, etc… after I see he is settled, we always have a “how’s your day chat” - I bring up some basic things, kids did that, dogs did this … then he hyper-fixates on subjects and answers - something that is a simple 30 second answer and move on … we are still talking about 10 mins later…. I am so tired of this, eat dinner, then bed ! Such a vanilla life.

[u/alexandralexandrn16 → u/Appropriate_Two_3491]

Sounds pretty nice to me! What is it that you’re not enjoying? The routine of the loop? Can you switch it up? Not judging - I’m honestly curious.

My ex-partner is very chaotic, so a vanilla routine sounds like heaven to me.

[u/Appropriate_Two_3491 → u/alexandralexandrn16]

Well I see, you got me there … I’d rather vanilla than chaos ! Hang in there my friend ! It’s tough I know !

I guess what i am trying to say, our life used to adventurous, spontaneous and fun. Even though he is medicated (and forgets to take his tablets) often. I try to spark things up each night and we just get bogged down in minutia and hyper fixation and then off to bed and try again tomorrow !

[u/Hot_Dip_Or_Something → u/Appropriate_Two_3491]

Oh how much I miss when I was the novelty in the relationship. It took YEARS to even realize I was chasing it. 

[u/Level_Exciting → u/Appropriate_Two_3491]

I’ve been really feeling this recently too and I understand your discontent with the “vanillaness” of it all. 

Part of this for me is how surface-level the “how was your day” and hyper-fixation chats are between my partner and I. I can’t help but wonder if I would mind the routine a little less if there was a little more emotional connection or intellectual stimulation happening for me in our routine. As it stands, I just feel bored out of my mind almost all of the time. 

[u/jaydilinger]

She was gone for 3 days so I was able to get rid of clutter and make the “living space” livable. She returned Friday night. By Saturday morning the dining table was back to being filled with stuff. I brought a new table home Saturday afternoon; filled with stuff by Saturday night…

If there is a flat spot there will be stuff.

[u/BaggedMilkCurdle]

Long time lurker. Closed the long distance gap with my DX unmedicated partner and I had no clue what I was getting into. I feel blindsided by how much of his symptoms were hidden from me by the distance and I feel forced to make it work at this point. We’ve had an extremely rough first year together. Alcoholism. Us screaming at each other over the house. He doesn’t have a car or license. Walks to work (can hold his job but hates it).

Hes been sober three months now. I’m now in therapy. Overall I’m a lot happier than before And a lot has improved. But I fear the damage has been done.

I don’t know exactly what but it feels like he’s not REALLY there even if he’s talking to me. It just feels soulless I don’t know. It feels like a breath of fresh air whenever I get to go out with my friends and connect with people.

I feel guilty because we’ve put in so much relationship work to get to where we are, but even after the fact I still have to manage him and his lack of household awareness. I don’t know if I want to do that for him though. It really triggers my codependent attachment because I’m in recovery and it feels counterproductive for that.

Just sad and need motherly advice for my own sanity sake. Do I need validation to leave? I love him but I know a life with him won’t be fulfilling. He absolutely loves me, and I loved him so much before he moved in with me. Now I’m always mad at him for all the little things that matter to me. Like being functional 😰

[u/strongcoffee2go → u/BaggedMilkCurdle]

Google "sunk cost fallacy" if you want to understand why you're reluctant to leave. 

I always focus on this one central issue: identify your needs. It sounds like you need emotional connection among other things. Once identified, can he meet those needs? If the answer is no, you need to give yourself permission to break it off. You cannot deny your needs indefinitely. It's not sustainable. 

[u/PNWKnitNerd → u/BaggedMilkCurdle]

If you need to hear it from someone who's probably old enough to be your mom: it's okay to leave-- for any reason!-- if that's what is best for you. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. Don't fall victim to the sunk cost fallacy. I know it's hard to leave a situation that you've invested so much effort in, but your post shows that you know it's not going to work. Take care of yourself, because he's not going to.

[u/jimschrute]

Not really a complaint more of an insane observation: My mid-life aged partner (who’s probably booked and taken 50 flights in their life) took 2 hours to book flights (destinations, dates, airline and even the friggin departure and landing times were all ready known), all the while breathing like they were exercising, and threw their hands up in celebration when it was completed. Just wondering if how they don’t see something is wrong with themselves. This is not a computer illiterate person.

[u/thepurplewitchxx]

I feel like a hypocrite writing here, because have ADHD myself. But I hate that when you feel emotionally dysregulated, you take it on me. I never do that. I am sick of being held responsible for the things you are supposed to know and do already. I am sick of walking on eggshells so I don’t trigger a meltdown but it happens anyway because you need the dopamine hit from fighting although you’d deny it. I am upset that you leave your ADHD/autism untreated and expect world to deal with it. I hate that you claim that you’re a feminist but I ended up having a full time job, taking care of most of the housework, groceries and cooking, while you just procrastinate doing the dishes FOREVER and say I’m nagging you&obsessed with chores if I remind you, and you work three days a week and still complain about it. And you still dare to say I’m unsupportive and repeat that you don’t trust me. When I’m exhausted at the end of the day, you still mention things I haven’t done for you yet. You’re always the victim and the world is always to blame. You think just complaining about things should warrant solution.

[u/Admirable-Pea8024 → u/thepurplewitchxx]

You're not a hypocrite. You are (I assume) treating your ADHD or otherwise putting real effort into not doing the kind of thing your partner does.

I'm convinced that the problem with most of the partners here isn't ADHD or AuDHD - it's that plus the entitlement to think that they don't need to deal with their condition and practice better behavior, that everyone else should just deal with their shame and dysfunction. 

[u/InvestigatorLow2172]

Not enough karma to post, so venting here. After 9 years of living together and two kids, it has gotten to the point that the only reliable chore she does as a stay-at-home mom is picking up the kids from school and the occasional dinner. I'm done.

The constant mess, lack of accountability or apology, making every discussion about her and so so much more, I feel like I've spent the best years of my life giving all I had to someone unwilling to ever give back. It sounds so innocent in writing, bothered by a bit of mess. But it's never a bit, is it. From rolled up used tampons on the bathroom floor, to moldy leftovers in every place imaginable, it's not nothing. Managed to somehow convince her that the toilet brush is there if it doesn't flush completely so there's a win.

I gave her the ultimatum again, and I hope for the last time. Truth is, I'm worried about custody. I'm trapped between knowing that divorce is the right thing to do, and having to give up half of the time with my kids, all because I didn't see this earlier.

It sounds so scummy, "giving half of the time with my kids", and I can't help but feel that it probably is. At the same time, I just don't feel like the punishment fits the sin here. And this is going on the assumption of 50/50 custody.

It's a struggle pushing through, and like always I feel like I have to do the work for the both of us. We've agreed we should talk to a specialist about how to break the news to the kids (both < 7yo). We've also agreed she'll research options. But based on past experiences it will drift out from here unless I get on top of it. But I need to work, and between work and chores there's no time.

I don't have the words to describe how I feel right now. I haven't yet told close friends or family about this, and I never talked to them about my struggles with her either. I was always worried to put her in a bad light. I'd like to think it's empathy, but I'm well aware it could just as well be more selfish reasons.

This is purgatory.

[u/Alternative_Agency17]

Back again because I’m lonely.

I asked him to install anti-slip strip onto the carport ramp today. I reminded him like 3 times. He, like usual, procrastinated, so instead of getting to it before I come home or he had to pick up baby from daycare, now he’s doing it at 8 pm. with headlamp.

I was hoping we’d get to spend some time together because I’ve been feeling neglected. I sat on the couch alone after I put baby down and I cried. I wish I had a better partner - one that is present in the room and not away in another world on his phone or off doing whatever task because he procrastinated the day away.

Sad. I’m just sad.

[u/Internal-Bus-7031]

Worst mothers day ever in a long shot.

It was mothers day here in the UK yesterday and yes it was the worst mothers day I have had.

It started off with my 7 year old daughter coming in to see me to say Happy Mothers Day to me. She didn't say it in a nice manner which upset me a lot. I think she didn't want to say it to me which does hurt my feelings as a mother. I've done everything for my daughter. I taught her things and I am patient than her dad. He just rushes things these days. I didn't get a present or did anything special. My hubby didn't arrange or cook a special meal for me. It just felt like another day to me when it should feel special. But what hurt the most was my hubby's lack of emotional support. He didn't comfort me when I was upset and he didn't comfort our daughter when she was upset. I had to comfort my daughter first before i can comfort myself. In a way it just felt my feelings on this special occasion weren't valid to him. Telling him how I feel these days is like talking to revolving door. He won't remember what I said anyway. I went clothes shopping the other day and when I showed him the outfit I'm wearing to my cousins wedding and all he was interested in was his phone. He is not into fashion but still it hurt my feelings of self-esteem that he didn't say it's beautiful. At the end of the day I just wanted this day to be over and done with.

[u/OnlyPaperListens]

My retired aunt-in-law and my unemployed sister-in-law to my unemployed husband, about me (who works two jobs): "Why does she never come out with us [to random weekday lunches decided ten minutes in advance]? Doesn't she like us?"

Fuck this entire family of coked-out squirrels in human suits.

[u/kannakantplay]

I care about you. I care about your thoughts and opinions and feelings. I want to hear them.
I want you to express them openly just like I would like to express my thoughts openly.

But I am so tired of getting trapped in your long monologues. You know why I don't like going out and being social? It's not just because I'm an introvert. It's because you trap everyone in your brain dumps and no matter how quietly or how desperately I use our signals to ask you to move on or stop or shorten it to the point, you blatantly disregard them!! Do you know how rude it is to shush your own spouse in front of others?? Just so you can finish your point?!!! It's really, really embarrassing! I'm not trying to silence you! I'm not trying to censor you! I just want to actually have an equal dialogue! But nooooooooooo, you need to be the center of every conversation and the expert on every topic.

I love you, but I've been burnt out on this for a while. I've sort of given up. You're a grown person. I'm not in control of you. I don't want to be.

I just want to be respected...

[u/Tomikoya97]

I’m starting to see the storm coming but I’m feeling too numb to stop it.

A pattern of him paying for jiu jitsu tournaments and entering in a lower weight class as motivation to lose weight. Then procrastination, impulsive eating, fixated on checking weight every god damn day, not making weight or barely with fasting for a few days, acceptance that the tournament wasn’t a big deal anyways with other excuses.

On top of this we are wedding planning (already married but this is mainly for his large family). I do have more time on my hands so I’m handling most things. But we are still waiting till last minute. Can’t even afford most of this shit. And I didn’t even want this, starting to not care. But I can’t risk looking like fools on the big day. Sigh.

[u/alexandralexandrn16 → u/Tomikoya97]

Doesn’t sound very healthy to me. I was coerced into a huge wedding I definitely did not want. Huge regret. If I could speak to myself back then I would tell myself to stop “compromising “ ie accommodating. Go for the wedding YOU want and can afford. Or at least half way to what you want. Being with someone who can’t fairly compromise, I feel it’s fair to just execute the compromise for them. Especially if you’re doing the majority of the work!

[u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 → u/Tomikoya97]

Call off the wedding.

[u/Accurate-Neck6933]

God forbid I ask you to do one thing while I go to work. If I don’t remind you 3 times and write it down or call you from work, it won’t get done. So what’s the point. Why do you bother each week asking me what I need you to do. Well guess what, imma start forgetting stuff too.

[u/Basic-Ad7233]

I come home from work. There's dog poop on the floor that I asked them to take care of this morning. The dishes aren't put away, one of their only daily tasks. Dogs have no water, another thing I ask them to check before they leave for work. For their part time job.

I was exactly who my partner wanted me to be yesterday. They get a good day from me, I get bullshit.

We're gonna have the same conversation.

I will say the same things.

They will apologize, make a performance for a few days and back to normal, as usual.

[u/Successful-Quiet8806]

at a concert w my adhd bf. anyone else have issues with boundaries? he asked if i can see and if i want to move in front of him, i said no... about 2 min later his hands are on my waist and hes moving me over. he said he thought he saw me struggling to see. i understand the intentions were not bad... but, im pissed because dude, im a person, ask me again!!!! dont just take it upon yourself!!! he stands by "i literally was watching you struggle to see." he doesnt understand and now hes mad about it. im at my wits end. am i wrong here?

[u/strongcoffee2go → u/Successful-Quiet8806]

"Respect my no"

Yes, most of us have this issue. I've literally said "don't touch this until I get home" and he touches it/causes problems I have to redo because he was "helping". 

Your boundaries need consequences. If you say "no" and he doesn't respect it, you leave. I've been accused of "ruining a nice evening" but I,'m done setting myself on fire to keep someone else warm.

[u/Admirable-Pea8024 → u/strongcoffee2go]

Yes, many will happily push and push at any boundaries you set. It's exhausting. Also disorienting, if you're not used to adults doing it. 

[u/Successful-Quiet8806 → u/strongcoffee2go]

i told him from now on when he disrespects my boundaries, i'm removing myself from the situation. We were at a show with my friends. ill leave him there next time.

[u/Unable-Meringue-2026]

im currently seething right now & after searching narcissism and adhd relation, ive ended up here and GOD do i feel relief. ive never took so many screenshots in my life and im tempted to send them all to him in this moment honestly. i love my boyfriend i really do i thought we would get married one day, i still sort of do but recently hes worn down my patience entirely. he has become entire inconsiderate, takes no accountability, yells constantly for no reason, and acts like i am attacking him when i am explaining what he needs to change if our relationship is going to make it anywhere. im not aure what my next move is but for now ill be taking screenshots and thinking about sending all 300 of them lol

[u/Successful-Quiet8806]

things have been so bad and I feel like he's such a child and honestly, I feel like he's kind of a huge wimp. I feel like I don't really respect him anymore because of all the bullshit and I find myself looking at other people and I'm feeling guilty about that.

[u/froggybug01]

When I ask you to wipe up the sticky spot on the floor for the 4th or 5th freaking day in a row that you kept saying you were “about to wipe”, your first response should be “sorry, I keep forgetting, let me get that now” NOT arguing with me for 15 minutes tooth and nail saying that it has not been four days when I have literal photo evidence of when I first asked you to clean it. Spending more time calculating the amount of hours it’s technically been instead of using that time and energy to take 15 seconds to clean the spot. Because we all know your concept of time is so freaking reliable. And then you had the nerve to tell me that I should “stop complaining about things and just do something about them” myself. Fuck you. 

[u/ahoyhoy2022]

What the actual fuck makes you think that daylight savings time (in Europe) means that instead of their strictly scheduled four hour crate nap, the dogs now get a five hour crate nap. What kind of “gift” is it to me to say you’ll take care of the dogs today so I can prepare for a meeting when you get something so simple so fucking wrong? And then say, Oh, I thought we agreed that now it’s five hours In an irritable tone.

[u/annoying-kant]

i cannot express how much my situation almost exactly matches one posted here just a day ago:

admittedly this is probably my fault as much as it is hers, but after learning so much about all of this over the last 5 months or so, i can't say that knowing any of this helps me cope or accept any of what's happened just within the last 3 months. we've only been living together for about a year but things have fallen apart in pretty short order right at the 9 month mark.

she asked for fmla, but the company told her she didn’t qualify yet. so, she turned to the state to figure it out instead. what followed over the next three months was this maddening, predictable spiral.

she spent days crying on the phone, dialing one person after another until someone finally handed her a case manager to handle everything. paperwork showed up—forms she needed to complete so the state could pay for her leave or her employer could pitch in—but she didn’t touch it until that case manager stepped in. the whole mess started because i had to go on a work trip. it wasn’t a big deal—just a week away doing my job, same as always—but she couldn’t deal with not tagging along this time. budget cuts and the fact that it wouldn’t be fun for both of us kept her home. she didn’t even try to sort out her own tickets or make it work. to her, it would’ve been a carefree little adventure while i worked, and apparently that was too much to bear.

so, she decided she needed time off—time to “focus on her medical stuff,” she told me. while i was out of town, she kicked all this off, calling me constantly during the day—right in the middle of my work—trying to explain what she was up to and how this person liked her so much and was so nice on the phone. or how this person was so mean and dismissive on the phone and that she's gonna file a complaint. i was already stressed out, so all i could hear was, “i’m not going to work for a while.” she’s the one who pays the lease, by the way; i cover everything else.

three months later, there’s a packed schedule of appointments, sure, but she hasn’t changed a bit. she’s still just sitting there, waiting for someone else to fix it all instead of doing anything herself. it’s eating me alive, watching this unfold right in front of me. on top of that, there are piles of laundry, messes from half-finished projects, and these constant little rsd flare-ups every time i even hint at leaving town for work again. with her home 100% of the time now, the day-to-day adhd chaos is suffocating, and i can’t get a second to think straight. she’s always bouncing around—scrolling through the ring app one minute, then flipping to instagram or reddit the next. then there’s the endless projects. she’ll decide she needs to buy something off amazon, despite her crushing debt and no steady income, and she’ll try to pull me into it too—even though i’m clearly frazzled, parked at my desk all day trying to scrape together extra cash to keep us afloat. or she’ll spend hours chatting with chatgpt about all these grand plans she has, dreaming out loud instead of actually doing a single one of them.

at this point i don't know how to undo the resentment that now exists and is continuing to build with each little interaction where she reminds me that she doesn't really want to do the work - she wants someone to do it for her to "make her better."

i can't fix her

[u/giantanthills]

I'm so sick of everything.

I'm sick of cleaning. I'm sick of looking at dishes left out, food sitting out, stuff never put back where it belongs. All her stuff thrown about. Her dirty car. Her randomly rearranging my things in my designated spaces. The way she never brushes her teeth before bed unless I reward her with physical affection. I'm sick of asking her to do chores. Reminding her that our bills are due. I'm sick of feeling like a parent. I'm sick of being the emotional support for everything she's going through, helping her find things she's lost for the millionth time, watching the emotional meltdowns happen. I'm sick of having to hold her and soothe her through every bump in the road, including those in our relationship. I'm sick of constantly having to apologize even when she hurt me and I retreat to think about it (which is being too distant in her opinion). I'm sick of feeling grossed out by her habits. I'm sick of her getting mad at me for being distant when I'm feeling grossed out by her and not wanting to be blatantly honest about it because it hurts her feelings. I'm sick of her getting incredibly mad and hurt when I'm taking time to myself and blowing up at me. I'm sick of all the anger, her slamming things around when I'm trying to sleep.

I'm sick of her asking me if I dislike her. I'm sick of feeling blindsided by aspects of her personality I didn't know exist because the hyper-fixation on me during our early relationship caused her to align a lot of her values and personality to appeal to me (she would clean her car and her room frequently before we moved in together so I thought she was a much cleaner person). I'm never sure what she actually believes because she'll tell me one thing but then suddenly change her mind and start acting like the last person she hung out with. It makes me uncomfortable, like I don't actually know my partner. I'm sick of her randomly switching dialects and using AAVE because she lived in the south for barely two years (she's white and grew up in the suburbs). I'm sick of the ego, the way she thinks she's really cool for talking "hood" and how fun it is to do drugs (when we first started dating we had a long heart-to-heart conversation about how sobriety is important to both of us and now she's suddenly smoking again and randomly told me she wanted to get crossfaded on a night we had planned to go out together). Which boggles my mind because she actively goes to Al-Anon meetings every week.

I'm sick of being the financially responsible one. I'm sick of watching her buy random things all the time and then complain about how she has no money for groceries. I'm sick of paying for groceries for both of us. I'm sick of spotting her and nagging her to pay me back for things (she owes me like $100 right now). I'm sick of her forgetting things. She angrily sent me $30 less than her usual half of rent this morning (she blew up at me last night for being "distant" after I came home from a terrible day at work and didn't give her enough affection - she knew I had a terrible day at work).

I'm just so done. Every problem has compounded into a huge mess and I cannot deal with the temper tantrums anymore. I can't deal with the pouting. I'm struggling to find her attractive anymore. The hope that somehow resided in me these last few months has almost completely fizzled out and I don't even want to talk to her anymore. And now I have to come to terms with this and find my escape because I see no end to this. She can't afford therapy right now and is barely considering medication. I can't continue to wait for her to get her shit together so our relationship can heal. I need to get out.

[u/Ok-Rich-9047]

Hes on his phone so much! i would love some time to connect but everything seems to be more important.

[u/DontCryYourExIsUgly → u/Ok-Rich-9047]

I spent 3.5 years telling him I wished I was number one in his life, and he told me with words that I was, but his actions always showed me the phone and games were the most important things in his life. The whole time, I wished it would get better, but it never did. 💔

[u/bluecete]

I hope this is allowed; dx person isn't a partner but a close friend. I should know better by this point that when the agreement is "come over by X" that they will be arriving at least 3 hours later. "I just have to shower and get in the car" means I'll be hearing an update 90 minutes later that they're still not ready. "I just need to grab a snack" is 45+ minutes without an update. For an NT person I expect it would be 45 minutes to an hour; it's a 30 minute drive, maybe less.

It's particularly annoying when it's not even hanging out it's "can I come body double so I can get some job applications out" and here we are 3 and a half hours later and at least they've left the house, finally.

[u/Admirable-Pea8024 → u/bluecete]

It's so disrespectful and selfish, especially when it's being that late. They're allowed to dawdle all they want, doing whatever they please at home, and you're expected to reserve hours of time for them.

[u/Mendota6500 → u/bluecete]

I once dated someone like that. It lasted about 3 dates before I broke it off specifically because I couldn't handle the unreliability and chronic lateness with absolutely no apparent comprehension that asking someone to be on a train for an hour to see you and then at the very last minute telling them to wait on a coffee shop alone for an hour because you haven't showered is rude.

[u/LeadInfinite6220]

Support/Advice Request As ADHD partners go, mine isn't doing too terribly. He's DX / RX, takes his meds seriously, goes to therapy, just got a promotion at work and employs tools to manage the less functional areas of his life. But right now I am so, frickin' mad. We're traveling, and in a train station, I see him pull my knitting pouch -- with a very neary complete hat, planned just for the trip -- out of a tote we were carrying with our suitcases. He's trying to fit the knitting pouch in his pocket (not working) and I said "What are you doing? Please just put that back in the tote." He swears he thought he did -- but as we're boarding a train I see the tote -- no knitting pouch. He runs back, the cafe in the station we were sitting in is closed and locked and our train must go. I've learned to live with the number of nice sweaters he's ruined by putting them through the dryer. The earbuds we have to replace. The extensive stain removal. The mismatched dished because he breaks them.

Everyone loses things. But this one -- I'm big mad. I put in so much work on that little hat. Color coordinated it to our trip. I'm just sad and sick about it. I TOLD HIM TO PUT IT BACK IN THE TOTE. After my first hour of enraged silence I asked him why he took it out and -- in typical inability-to-assess-likely-outcomesfashion -- he said he didn't want my knitting to get mildewy because we had a damp towel in the same tote.

So my question to all of you is this: How do you deal with knowing that even if you're careful, even if you cultivate detatchment -- they're going to wreck your stuff at a higher than normal human rate? Giving up on nice things seems unfair. And never trusting him with basic tasks isn't sustainable. Seriously, what do you do?

[u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 → u/LeadInfinite6220]

Does he ruin his own things too?

[u/Ornery_Row8072]

I'm so exhausted of having to coddle him. He chooses to work overtime on weekends, on nights when he knows he is burned out. He is exhausted. So he comes home with his social battery completely depleated and is annoyed by the kids who want to spend time with him. He won't participate in any chores because he doesn't see them and he ''is so exhausted from working for the family'' (mind you we have dual income and are doing well, but his financial anxiety is a whole other beast). He will not communicate any of his needs and will just go to his office and spend the day gaming without exchanging a word with me. Meanwhile, I've had a whole week of work, mom duties and everything in between and still (I want to say that I don't have any other choice since he checks out) make meals, deal with the kids, play with them, do grocery shopping, clean the home and all thats needed for it to function.

I love him, I do, but I am also SO SO over it.

He's medicated but I feel that it needs to be reevaluated by a professionnal as its not as efficient as it used to be. And I can't help but feel like he likes to be useless and blaming it on ADHD, it gives him an excuse to not do anything and be guilt free. I get mad that I don't have the luxury of forgetting or just checking out. And worst of all, he doesn't see any of that and when I bring it up? I'm the villain, I don't appreciate him or his ''efforts'' and he just shrugs it off like its my duty to cope for his lacking. And it feels like I coddle him because in a way I'm always looking out for him and balancing his lacking. Ugh.

[u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 → u/Ornery_Row8072]

What does he bring to the table other than money?

[u/Expensive-Flower-719]

We’re always doing things he wants to do and if his interest but the moment I say I would love to go out on a date or even out in public with him sharing my interests it’s an issue. How I have to understand how he’s not interested in leaving the house, but willing to leave the house for his interest and I’m always included in his plans.

I don’t even remember our last date and it genuinely hurts when I hear others in my circle tell me about their dates and outings with their partners.

[u/youredoingggreat]

My husband quit his job 18 months ago under the premise that he would take a few months off and “handle everything” with house and kids. Surprise! It’s not been great. In Nov, I told my husband we needed to go on a budget and I wouldn’t be able to just deposit money whenever he was low anymore because I can’t afford it. He melted down, LEFT US and ran to his mommy, but came home a few days later saying it was the most depressing feeling days of his life. I dropped the money conversation even though I knew I could not keep spending like this. Well, I brought up the B word again and he literally screamed at me, mocked me, called me names. He also at another time, suggested my mom spend all her money to buy US a new house, instead of IDK, having us save our money. I put together a budget because I realized he would spend us into the ground if I let him, but we need to save for things we need. I don’t even know what to do about this. Like, duh, no one likes to budget, but if you want more money than I can give you…go get a job? He has two degrees, one of which I paid for. I just do not understand why this is so hard for him to understand.

[u/RynnR → u/youredoingggreat]

What the hell. My jaw dropped. Unimaginable.

[u/Upstairs_Bell7502]

Had a truly insane exchange earlier today in a room with a camera and audio. Debating whether to clip it and send it to them so they can hear what words are actually coming out of their mouth,instead of whatever is happening inside their head

[u/49wannie_luv]

I wish you could enjoy things with me and not make me feel awful for taking you out of home with that angry emotionless face and pressure me to do things faster or get out of crowds. I feel like I just want to marry you so I’ll have someone that won’t annoy me and will protect me since I’m a TLP with a big anxiety-depressive disorder and It’s bad for me to be alone at home. We are good friends but you’re so cold as a boyfriend, we’re both neurodivergent but I’m the only one with a Dx and Tx and I feel like wanting to disappear

[u/49wannie_luv → u/49wannie_luv]

I also have big ADHD traits as part of my anxiety and menstrual disorder but I’m a very intelligent and functional person when I’m not in the “abyss” but you’re so frustrating when you stop masking with me but won’t express yourself!!! Like, I’m no mind reader and I’m hyper-sentimental and you know that

[u/SensitiveBoo]

Getting mad at me because he overslept.. his alarm didn't go off, again. Do something about it. I'm not responsible for waking you up. If you explicitly ask me to wake you up, no problem. But don't expect me to remind you of your alarm clock or your medication intake. You're a grown up man. And now I'm feeling stressed and sad because you take your anger out at me. If I wouldn't be home you would've woken up even later. I can't imagine lashing out at someone like that when it's your own fault to begin with.

[u/fierce-and-wonderful]

I'm so frustrated, in despair and feel defeated. Once again, I was right about something that I have said months ago and predicted it will be an issue unless looked into.

But of course he ignored it, until it's become an issue. TTC is already hard on its own, plus I have health conditions I've just discovered and doing all the things (reading, researching, tests, drs appointments). And on top of that he may have a condition that throws a massive spanner in the works and delays everything by a whole year.

I'm not saying it's all his fault, but it could be a factor that results in IVF. And all of that because he didn't care to run his tests earlier, as I suggested. So unfair!

[u/fierce-and-wonderful → u/fierce-and-wonderful]

Must be nice to be cruising through life

[u/Appleadae]

Every time the new MLB video game comes out I know what to expect. You up till 5am. Cranky and mean all day. All you can think about is that stupid video game. I become completely non-existent and even a trip to the park with the kids is boring agony for you. Makes my life even more lonely.

[u/Alternative_Agency17]

Guess who spent the entire evening glued to his friggin’ phone because he found something new to obsessed about?

I should have gotten a roommate instead of a husband. Probably will be more helpful with chores.

[u/VirgoSingsTrue222]

My partner goes on sugar binges almost every night. I’ve had to hide my food. One of his vices is yogurt. We started buying him a certain brand of yogurt so he wouldn’t eat mine. If I bring up how much it bothers me that he eats my SIX weekly yogurts in one night, he just says “he will get more the next time I go to the store”. I am the one who plans our groceries, meals, and cooks. It makes me sad…it makes me feel unheard and unappreciated. Tonight I explained how hard it is when he eats my food and he shut down and went to bed without me. It made me feel like a horrible person. We have a 7 month old and I am just plain ole tired, yall.

[u/dianamxxx]

what’s more insulting than living with someone who does 0 of the household running is living with someone who says “it’s because you don’t trust me” that he doesn’t do anything. imagine being 50 next year and thinking you need trust to do your fair share than simply just getting the fuck on with it like the rest of us?! and instead need to be told what to do in detail as if that’s not doing half the work already and then praised. not to mention truthfully even if i did that, based on the level of uselessness he displays, that it would end up messed up

we live in a ground floor flat, our bathroom window opens out into a neighbours garden which is both a crime concern and a decency concern especially as they have kids but not opening the window is a ventilation issue that will cause mould in the country we live in. the local authority who own the building need to change the window type or at least the direction of opening as it never should have been fitted this way when the windows were done in 2021 (we moved in 2024) and they were refusing to so someone needs to keep at them. in 6 months i have raised it 4x that i do not have the time nor capacity to take this on and 3x have asked him has he done anything about it. no, each time of course. yet somehow he does nothing because i don’t trust him to get involved.

one task that requires zero trust and no way to “step on my feet” and he does nothing with it but wants to blame me? fuck off.

this is why medication and (years) of (correct) therapy is worthless for the ones who don’t want to change.

[u/vehiclebreaker]

No you’re so right. The incessant onslaught of audhd and ocd symptoms you unleashed on me undiagnosed for three years straight that I loved you through in spite of it being mind numbingly lonely and frustrating to deal with was all my fault -all the symptoms from those were actually me doing them to you because I’m evil and it does make sense to go have sex with all your coworkers who don’t even speak English cause they smile more than I do now. You’re so right and smart and you absolutely didn’t do anything wrong! You go girl!

[u/Reasonable_Tale7565]

Hey everyone, I was in a relationship for a year with someone who has ADHD. During that time, I supported her through her divorce, but when my dad was diagnosed with cancer, I needed support and she wasn’t there for me. Instead, she focused on her own feelings and our communication issues, which made everything harder.

Her impulsiveness and emotional reactions made every argument worse, and when I asked for help, she just told me to find someone else who could handle my situation. Before we broke up, she asked for space, but never made it clear if she wanted to end things. It feels like she was already shutting down the relationship before I did.

When I ended it, she said she was “enjoying the peace” and that messages from me made her anxious. It made me feel like I was the problem, even though I just needed her support.

I’m struggling to process all of this and feel really hurt by how she handled everything. Is it common for people with ADHD to behave like this? How do I move on from the way she treated me?

Thanks for reading.

[u/Alternative_Agency17 → u/Reasonable_Tale7565]

I find ADHD people tend to be self-centered and everything revolves around them and how they feel. I often times was made to feel like it was my fault because I did/said something that was ‘triggering’ or ‘I had a tone’ etc. I realize now that it was RSD on their part and not a normal response to my actions.

I hope you soon come to realize too… that for most things, it’s their problem and not yours.

[u/Mendota6500 → u/Reasonable_Tale7565]

"How do I move on from the way she treated me?"

I found this technique to be very helpful. It's based on non-violent communication but I'm communicating with myself. You can write this down or simply say it to yourself with focus on the words. Fill in the blanks: "When she did [THING], I felt [EMOTION - E.G. SAD, ANGRY, ALONE, FRUSTRATED]. This is because I had a normal human need for [WHATEVER YOU NEEDED, E.G. SUPPORT, PRIVATE SPACE, ETC.] that was not met. My need was reasonable and legitimate. In the future, I will work towards getting that need met by [DOING WHATEVER YOU WILL DO, E.G., STRENGTHENING RELATIONSHIPS WITH FRIENDS]." - you can obviously change the wording a little to fit your precise situation but basically it's an acknowledgement that you were treated badly, how it made/is still making you feel, and a commitment to get your needs met in the future. I would repeat these types of statements to myself a few times when I felt overwhelmed by frustration/regret/Big Feelings and felt much better because I had specifically acknowledged the harm and I felt like I had a plan for moving on. Idk if it will help you, just a suggestion! 

ETA: sometimes I add "I feel particularly strongly about this due to [CIRCUMSTANCES/SITUATION]." To acknowledge that I might be having a very strong reaction due to my own personal history or a repeated pattern of behavior, even though the individual specific action wasn't so bad on its own. Makes me feel less crazy :D

[u/vanlifer1023 → u/Mendota6500]

I’m not OP, but I’m gonna take your advice—it sounds incredibly helpful. Thank you!

[u/ColdNecessary5365]

Partner said he wants to switch to a different internet provider - I say, ok, of you take care of the process.  End of the story: today I had a surgery, still spend my evening with installing the new router because it is the last day of the month and the old provider already switched of the internet.  Only to have him read a service mail from weeks ago after we are done with the installment: new internet provider will only start from the 15th of the month. So.... no internet in the flat for the next two weeks. But... I am a streamer and do work from home in my day job. Thanks.

[u/Signal-Net-8041]

I've hit an exhaustion/burnout wall. Dx/rx husband is doing his best but still quirky, ndx/in denial mom who we live with (there is no alternative at this time) is picking at him and trying to make me mad at him over bullshit reasons. Example: I don't give a fuck if he gives the kids a cookie with their breakfast and I'm certainly not going to yell at him about it when they are clothed, teeth brushed, fed, on time to school with full water bottles & lunch boxes (I leave early for work so can't do any of that). And then she gets mad at me when I say "Mom...I just walked in the door. Why is this a me problem?"

Twins are about to turn eight and some switch has flipped in their brains to turn them into asshole teenagers several years early. This is stressing EVERYONE out and of course the burden of disciplining them falls on me.

And to top it off, I'm a public school Spanish teacher in the US, and there is unbelievable uncertainty surrounding my job right now.

Help? Send wine?

[u/Late-Imagination2222]

I stay in a job I hate for the money to make up for my partners lack of funds shall we say. This week has been one of those where people have been barking at me for almost 10 hrs straight every day and I was dreaming of coming home, someone else cooking dinner and watching some trash tv. But no his opinions on my tv choice become personal for some reason questioning my intelligence and getting angry about it (adhd and autism - I warned him and asked if he wanted to put headphones in while I watch it and he said no) , I can smell everything burning and over-boiling on the stove making a huge mess while he stares at tik tok like his life depends on it (but of course I’m not allowed to say anything) he’s occasionally pipes up hounding me to book a holiday When I have bills coming out my arse and so many things around me broken (boiler and car) so I leave to lie in bed. I can’t deal. I just want peace. He follows me to tell me how rude I’m being by being quiet. I’m the bad guy and he’s now stormed out the house. Old me would have followed him. But I’m just sat here in bed. In silence. It’s nice. If I had a neurotypical partner would they help me pay to fix the boiler and organise delivery of the parts so I could have a bath at the end of this shitty day?! Maybe… 🤔

Not really looking for replies, just a story time of my day

[u/DeivestArt93]

I honestly wish that the onus of stimulating conversation didn't fall heavily on the shoulders of my friends.

It sucks because I moved from my home state so those friends are far away from me now and they still feel more present than my partner sometimes 🫠

[u/Designer_Map9384]

I am so annoyed with the man I am dating. We went from daily communication to almost ghosting. When I asked of something is wrong, he immediately sent a voice memo saying everything is fine. He even missed me.. then why is there radio silence all of a sudden?

[u/LiarLiarPlants4hire1]

I wish I could have a partner that i can just vent too without getting so damn offended. Ive been a week without work due to company pause in work available (i do gig work), so after a reliable year of work i am struggling and frustrated with having to looking for new work, tailor resumes, research interview questions, etc etc on top of having a constant ticking clock in my head of when bills are due. We also have multiple kids that I care for and cook, clean, the works. So when this super inconvenient pause happened, ive just been very down. I never said i was giving up and im not just laying in bed but me saying im not ok, and im not like following everything that hes advising to a T, he gets offended. Like i dont need a lecture, or “advice” on what i “should” do from a man who hasnt been in the opposite sex dominant industry or have the endured the countless challenges of colorism. Sure hes a smart man and has great perspective but people have their literal own experiences. I dont know why thats so offensive and because I called him out on it now hes all mopey and depressed and whatever else. Like when do I get a chance to just process? Why ask how i am if you dont want to endure the possibility that people are tired and not optimistic 24/7? Ive never said im never going to work ever again. Im just sick of the whole job charade process and its frustrating and i cant even be frustrated because god forbid the advised words dont magically fix everything. Like i dont need to be fixed! I just need to process my emotions!!! Im totally regretting my honesty and opening my mouth now.

[u/REDSCARFSQUIRREL]

We stayed at a small hotel over the weekend. On the day we were leaving I had a little chat with the lady who served us breakfast. (He had gone back to the room and came back as I was about to leave) He got angry with me because he wanted to chat with her... (i.e. she starts with small talk, he will tell her the story of his life)

[u/thegingerofficial]

For the first time, he has put forth the effort to get his taxes done by Tax Day. He said today was the day he was going to sit down and file them. I told him last week he may want to get his forms in order first, otherwise he won’t be able to file. He said he had them all.

He sat down to do his taxes today, except he lost some of his forms so he made no progress and was a whirlwind of chaos in the house looking for said forms.

I helped him look a bit, he basically has a few disaster piles of years’ worth of bills, mail, various important documents, medical and insurance info, delinquent tax notices, cards, envelopes, tax forms, car forms, etc.

I just don’t understand it. If you know you’re going to struggle to keep track of all these things, why not buy a folder to toss tax forms into throughout the months? At least then it’s consolidated. Why are they so convinced they’ll always figure it out later when they don’t ever figure it out later? Why do they not learn from their mistakes?

He just paid his delinquent tax fines a few weeks ago from 2023. They about doubled from the end of last year when I brought it up to him. I’m pretty sure he still hasn’t paid his delinquent fines from 2022. Can’t find 2024 tax forms. Most likely hasn’t been keeping track of any numbers thus far for 2025. Im trying so hard not to stress about it. I get that a lot of things are way harder with ADHD, and that solutions aren’t always as easy as they sound. But you cannot convince me that it’s that hard to buy a folder, go through your mail, and put in 30 seconds of effort to file things away as you get them. At the very least, I’ve learned it’s not my responsibility to clean this mess up for him. Still sucks to watch though.

[u/impostersyndrome39]

Really not sure I can deal with my dx but untreated husband much more, things have gotten steadily worse in the last few months. Now at a point that If I don’t immediately know what he’s talking about he will snap at me implying I’m being difficult (the irony) he will also snap at me if I try to clarify what he’s talking about. While i know he’s under stress, I don’t think I can support this shit any more it’s ruining my mental health to get spoken to like shit frequently. What’s worse when asked what his problem is “you just frustrate me” no specifics just that, can’t articulate how I frustrate him just that my mere existence does. But hours later will pretend nothing has happened and say I love you like that erases everything. I’ve never loved anyone as much as this man but I’ve also never had any man make me feel this low.

[u/Tenprovincesaway]

We bought a house last March. All work done on it so far has been done or initiated by me or my dad.

I waited a year for us to replace the rotted fence. He always had a reason why it wasn’t the right time. Many were good reasons. And this is a job I can’t do myself.

Now that those reasons have resolved, he once again tried to balk. He actually asked what the rush was. I had to point out I have waited a YEAR and done many other projects solo to get him over the hump of task initiation.

He started the job last night. I know it will look fantastic when done. He always does a good job. But my goodness the task initiation hurdle is a huge one.

[u/froggybug01]

Partner has a real problem with bickering with authority figures. Namely… bosses he doesn’t “jive” with, or um, the fucking state trooper that pulled him over tonight that he decided to pick a verbal fight with while I was in the car next to him. Anyone who challenges him in any way gets into a meat measuring contest and it’s fucking pointless and useless as hell. And makes him look like a giant asshat. An even bigger asshat than the trooper himself, which is hard to do. And now he’s stomping around the house like a petulant child. Fucking hell. 

[u/Proper_Staff_7649]

I found the new flat I organised the deposit and filled out forms I organised the van despite you having access to it I notified the energy companies etc about the move I organised all paperwork needed for schools I organised and paid for the cleaners dealt with issues I am now tackling the dispute around the deposit I deal with our daughter’s emotional ups and downs I am on top of our son’s school calendar and what he needs to be doing extra curricular. I don’t have time to go over their homework with them as it is too late when I get home I am paying all the trip instalments I liaise with schools and teachers I text your mother I order shopping online and when I don’t, it doesn’t get done I work full time I commute 3hrs a day I question myself and why I do this I don’t speak up anymore, if I do it turns into a fight. I have no energy for it, I choose to use my energy for other things You choose not to work, you are at home. What do you do? How do you make me feel? Other than accuse me of being a narcissist, tell me I am an amazing person and mother in the same breath start an argument about me walking too fast because I am a narcissist and this is what we do in order to make the other person less able. That is what I get.

[u/heyomeatballs]

I'm going to lose my damn mind if these medication shortages aren't sorted out soon. Wife is going into month three of being told "sorry, it's still on backorder" at the pharmacy. She resorted to buying a case of energy drinks just for help being focused at work, but it wears off entirely by the time she's home. She's a nightmare to get to bed on time and then she sleeps through all three of her alarms and I have to wake her up. She had a ride to work this morning and rushed out the door, forgetting a few things and leaving every light in the house on.

If the medications don't come in soon I'm gonna lose my mind. She's honestly a nightmare unmedicated.

[u/Mendota6500 → u/heyomeatballs]

The way the US handles stimulant meds is absolutely unhinged and counterproductive. I'm sorry you're caught up in it. 

[u/Asleep_Music_663]

Exausted... Tired... My husband (40yrs) of 18yrs was diagnosed with exasperated ADHD while being on SSRIs for anxiety. He is off ssris but now is ""adding your all". It's helped significantly but the hours before it kicks in and the hours after it's gone are exausting.. He is moody /sometimes depressed. The worst part is when he LOOKS like he is forcing himself to participate.

But then he doesn't want anyone to do their own thing because he wants to do something as a family. I'm EXAUSTED... Navigating everything and I mourn the loss of who my husband was before the SSRIS. I mourn the ease of life and there is a sadness knowing THIS is what my kids will remember because it's all they have ever known.

My husband needs to understand the weight of his ADHD. He needs to learn how to harness and control it now that the SSRIS have made everything so much worse. But he WON'T. Everytime I try to read him something, he says.. "Well next, we need to read a book about organization." The gaslighting/deflection is always obvious as if he doesn't want to admit to it or learn how to change.

I know he's trying but.... It robs so much joy from us(the kids and I).

[u/RockSteady-1]

As I imagine most you experience the ups and downs in a ADHD impacted relationship, the wife and I are (were) on a good upswing.

Until my thoughtless gesture of calling after her occupational therapist appointment and to be met with the most cold “Hello” ever. Then to be texted how “hard it is to communicate with YOU”, “mask for you”…I then respond with “I was only checking up but now I’m the focus of your frustration. I will see you tonight.”

Now I can’t do proper “check-in” and this fight, I can only assume is my fault because she called me to get an apology, but I never got one. Fuck it.💔