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u/Witty_Shape3015 20h ago
saved this in my favorite and will now send it in every scenario this happens to me. can’t wait to have my experience dismissed and invalidated!
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u/bebejeebies 18h ago
How about saying, "You sprung that plan on me too last-minute and I would need more time to mentally prepare."? Be honest.
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u/ahsataN-Natasha ADHD 13h ago
I’ve started using that one more. I just say I can’t do last minute plans because I need time to mentally prepare. Then I apologise profusely when they clearly don’t understand.
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u/snowtater 19h ago
The word is "no", I don't want to do that
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u/WorldWatcher69 18h ago
How do you say "No, I don't want to do Christmas/Your kid's birthday party/Thanksgiving, etc.? I spend most of September and October building up tolerance for Thanksgiving and have none left for Christmas, but Christmas happens anyway. And it's kinda hard to tell my granddaughter that I don't want to attend my great grandchildren's birthday parties. Things like this are out of "No, I don't want to." territory, unfortunately.They act like my love is exactly commensurate with how many of these events I attend, and they have no patience for my " problem " with socializing. So I spend more of my time mentally preparing for this stuff than I do enjoying what solitude I do have, because the tornado that is my family is going to hit on those days whether I'm ready or not. So an unscheduled event throws me straight into panic mode, lol.
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u/snowtater 10h ago
Thanksgiving and birthdays aren't usually spontaneous events though, not for me anyway. The post was about people making plans with little to no notice.
And if it's something really important, then yeah, you have to suck it up, but otherwise you can always say no.
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u/treegirl33 9h ago
Dang, idk. Does it help if you go to the parties, say hi and happy birthday to everyone, but then leave after like an hour? I think it's completely understandable to not have the energy to stay for the whole event.
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u/sterandersen 14h ago
No ALSO makes me the a-hole. I’ve started trying to implement an F-it switch but I have to strangle the people pleaser in me to do it.
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u/attsloka 18h ago
Wait, but I'd already planned by evening around relaxing in my PJs and eating snacks. Now I have to upend my whole day
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u/ParanoidCrow 17h ago
My mom exhibits multiple signs and symptoms of ADD and when I was little she would sometimes pull impromptu trips while we were on the highway, just going wherever, maybe an attraction shown on a billboard somewhere, etc. as a kid I loved those trips because it always felt like an adventure. As an adult I get annoyed and feel bad for shutting her down but like I'm just not mentally prepared enough 😭
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u/sterandersen 14h ago
This is a fight my wife and me have constantly. She’s mad because she can’t just decide at 6:30pm that we should go out to dinner when I was at work all day with a brain wandering off my mindless work that would have time to, not just process, but actually look forward to going out if she had just shot the text at 2:30pm. But, no, ITA because I can’t just roll along on her whim. 🙄😔
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u/ZombieSouthpaw 14h ago
Surprise work group activities. Required attendance; zero warning.
Not a "reasonable accommodation" to decline.
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u/VengefulAncient 14h ago
For me it's the opposite. I have ADHD and the only way anyone can get me to do anything is by being spontaneous, otherwise I will overthink it to oblivion and will pretty much hate the event, the person, and myself by the time it finally arrives.
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u/TShara_Q 11h ago
I have a friend/roommate who does this when asking me to join her on walks. I hate saying no half the time because I need to be outside more, but I need to mentally prep myself for being socially acceptable and outside for 30-60 mins. I already over share to an annoying extent. While she's accepting and neurodivergent herself, there have been 1-2 times that she was politely like, "you really don't need to tell me all of that."
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u/-Voxael- 10h ago
The code word is “No, you sprung that on me too last minute”.
If people get shitty because you’re establishing reasonable boundaries, they’re an asshole and can be called such.
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u/StabbyMcTickles 19h ago
What's even worse is when you have them plan ahead of time like you wanted and then you spend the entire next month dreading and thinking about the dang day like it's the countdown to your death or something. Or even worse than that is when you finally get to that day and you cancel anyway. Nothing makes me feel worse and it really does explain why I no longer have many real life friends and most of my friends are long distance.