r/Advice • u/MoistFires • 1d ago
Extremely anxious about my girlfriend going out
About a year and a half ago, my ex cheated on me while partying. She was the quietest, most low-key girl you could imagine—until she went out. After that breakup, I met my current girlfriend, and we’ve been together for about 10 months now. She seemed like everything I had ever wanted in a partner.
Around 3 months ago, she started working as a photographer for student parties (we're both still students). Ever since, I’ve been feeling extremely anxious, jealous, and on edge. The event staff she works with are all guys—about 7 of them—and to be honest, they’re all pretty attractive.
What makes it worse is that when she goes out for these events, she dresses in a way that feels quite provocative—something she never does with me. She often comes home really late, and it triggers my anxiety big time.
She tells me it’s just work and that nothing’s going on, but I can’t shake the feeling. Every time I check her Instagram, I see new guys from the events following her—and she follows them back. It really messes with my head.
I don't know if what she’s doing is wrong, if I’m overreacting, or if maybe she’s not the person I thought she was. A while ago I saw a picture of her with six guys and had a full-blown anxiety attack.
I really don’t know how to handle this anymore. I feel like it’s eating me alive.
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u/Confident_Local_2335 1d ago
I feel like you should seek therapy, it’s unfair that your partner is taking on the fallout of what your ex did to you. That trauma needs to heal brother. Sorry that happened to you, but this isn’t a her problem, it’s a you problem. None of your relationships will last if your are this deeply untrusting.
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u/Reasonable_Doubt_810 22h ago
I dealt with the same issue with OP in a very similar context- issues with an ex that led me to be super anxious with my current girlfriend at the time. she ended up breaking up with me because of this anxiety making her feel restrictive and uncomfortable. i ended up taking a year of therapy to fix it primarily working on self-esteem work and looking back I wish I fixed myself earlier before it hurt the relationship, so go try therapy!
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u/Morningstar13929 21h ago
how do yall find a therapist that doesn't suck and is actually helpful. i went through my doctors office and it was awful
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u/Confident_Local_2335 21h ago
Mostly trial and error, I went through 3 therapists to find one I liked. It can be exhausting but worth every second to better yourself for not only you but others
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u/nano_salem 22h ago
What did the therapist do to make the anxiety, anger and fear go away?
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u/Liberal_Slayer_15 21h ago
Hey. Thanks for your comment. I have the same problem. Can you tell me which therapist I should go?
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u/Reasonable_Doubt_810 19h ago
at the time I was in college so they set that up for me, but if you had options I would look for therapists or psychiatrists that specialize in anxiety! I think I got lucky with my therapist in how we clicked well, so you’ll just have to put yourself out there and trial and error. good luck brother you got this!
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u/VSalineV 18h ago
Thank you, I’m dealing with my own issues in a relationship and this only confirms my feelings. I’m on the other side and I appreciate you making this comment. I know it’s not for me but thank you.
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u/RandVanRed 21h ago
To be fair, people also tend to be attracted to people with similar characteristics as before. He could be unconsciously choosing cheaters, just as I used to unconsciously select people with BPD.
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u/Salt_Reply_7303 17h ago
So relatable. I did the same with people who abused alcohol. And my internal dialogue was "why do I always attract this type of person?" Things really shift when you realize it's a two way street and you're also fostering these attractions. I was so proud of myself for breaking out of that cycle!
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u/iTradeCrayons 19h ago
Lol what ? Feeling anxious is perfectly normal when your gf dresses provocatively and goes partying with only men and really good looking ones, imagine now you would go to a girls party and you would dress with your best clothes and you groom yourself too, how would your gf react ? You guys need to live and learn
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u/justcausejust 18h ago
Yeah imagine you work as a bartender with a bunch of female waitresses. Your girlfriend should dump you immediately in that case /s
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u/JustGeeseMemes Super Helper [6] 1d ago
She’s not partying though, she’s at work. She dresses up because her work is in a dressing up environment.
I get being anxious, really do sympathize, it sucks that your ex caused this lasting insecurity in relationships.
But…
Your gf now isn’t your ex. If she’s not given you reason to mistrust her then this is essentially punishing her for what someone else did.
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u/chopsouwee 1d ago edited 21h ago
Agreed. Don't carry your past experiences to your current relationship. Everyone will be different in terms of what they bring to the table, their character as well as their values. I was once in your place, and I have learned from it. Be proud of your gf and even take an interest in her hobby as a photographer. Being insecure will only hinder you from being a man that you were born to be.
EDIT: I used to date a flight attendant who had to be overseas over the weekends, we dated for 3 years. Before her I had been with someone who had a high body count with cheated on a few. I was young, dumb and naive. She eventually cheated on me. I did not heal myself enough to understand how the world and the people around me work. Towards the end of the 3 year relationship. All insecurities surfaced.
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u/Caedyn_Khan 22h ago
Or they'll become a self fulfilling prophecy. If he's toxic about her simply working he very well could turn her off and itll make her so angry/hurt that she WILL cheat on him or break up with him.
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u/chopsouwee 22h ago
You are correct. If you're giving the aura that you're insecure and constantly worried bout her cheating and trying to convince her your a the best guy out there and then constantly asking and questioning about what she's doing and where she is... it'll stir for a really bad breakup up.. like you said, causing the girl TO cheat because she might even not wanna hurt your feelings with rejection.
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u/lampshade4ever 1d ago
I agree here. My partner dresses up more for work than she ever does for me, and she works HR at a school lol.
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u/that_guys_posse 18h ago
Your gf now isn’t your ex.
Yeah, based on how OP described it--it feels like he still doesn't fully blame his ex for what happened; he blames outside influences.
He says that his ex was quiet and great...until she went out. Then, when he talks about his current SO he talks about all these other things like the people she is around are attractive, she's going out, she's dressing up, etc.--but none of that matters at all if she has good character.
So I'd say that's one of the big issues OP needs to deal with--accept that you misjudged your ex and quit placing the blame on outside things; the ex made her choices and is responsible for them. Stop pretending that going out was the problem. Tons of people go out without their SOs and don't cheat so going out ain't the problem. At the least, quit letting the anger/hurt spill out onto others.FWIW--I get it. I had my heart broken when I was in college and, for a year or two, I put the blame on women, in general, and became bitter towards them as a result. It took me a while to realize and accept that it was one person who hurt me--not all women and I should quit putting my anger on an entire group of people for the sins of one.
Eventually I worked on forgiving her, too--but that's a whole other thing.3
u/JustGeeseMemes Super Helper [6] 18h ago
Yeah that’s definitely a really common thing.
The issue was she went out so she cheated. But really if you can trust someone then it shouldn’t matter where they are.
If someone only doesn’t cheat because they’ve never been offered the opportunity then that’s not really a flex is it
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u/Clear-Nothing-3087 1d ago
This is happening in your mind and it needs to be addressed there. If you want it to change you have to shift your focus from her outfits, her instagram, or her time coming home to your own thoughts. I’m not sure if she’s the right partner for you but even if she was this anxious thinking and unresolved hurt you have would make a successful relationship impossible.
Think about counseling lots of schools have free counseling for students and you have stuff you need to process. It’s completely normal to be hurt by a cheating ex and it’s hard to accept but you can’t prevent anyone from cheating on you, you will however drive yourself nuts looking for it everywhere. Also being in a relationship with a partner who doesn’t trust you, is always accusing you of cheating and stalks your every move gets exhausting.
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u/Own_Law5626 20h ago
Bro if shes going to betray you, she will do it no matter if its a hobby, a job or anything else. She will just do it anyway. And if shes loyal, she will be loyal no matter what situation she is in. This is what trust is about. And if she really fucks up, be glad you dodged that bullet. If she doesnt fuck up, its a wife. You can only win.
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u/dragonrider1965 1d ago
Don’t bleed on people that didn’t cut you . Part of being a grownup is owning our own shit . You need to take a step back and work on yourself before you are ready to be in a relationship with anyone . It’s not fair to her what you are doing , this isn’t on her to fix , you need to fix yourself .
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u/MrBorden Helper [2] 22h ago
Yeah, getting worked up over what she does or doesn't do is absolutely the road to ruin.
OP, she's not your property. Chill out, relax and engage yourself with something that doesn't bring out these toxic emotions in you.
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u/Efficient_Quail4394 1d ago
If u feel this way don’t stay. The continual questioning and lack of trust is exhausting and drain on a relationship. Move on.
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u/Exciting-Bobcat6586 Helper [2] 23h ago
This. I will add: You should stay single until you’ve reconciled your trauma. Eat, pray, love etc. find yourself and be confident. The alternative however is this continued anxiety that will slowly turn you into the reason she leaves. In the end it will be you that drives her into the arms or the bed of another man.
Take a break, let her do what she’s going to do anyways which is either fuck someone else or not. In the meantime work on yourself.
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u/Sounder10 1d ago
I think this is horrible advice. The problem is not this particular girlfriend, the problem is trauma of the past girlfriends cheating. He will very likely feel the same with the next person. He has to find a way to get past his trauma and trust his girlfriend. The girlfriend hasnt done anything not to trust her.
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u/Short-Work1706 1d ago
I think he's likely telling him to quit the relationship now, chill out for a bit and when he's not paranoid anymore get back in the game
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u/throwaway_142356 1d ago
I struggled (and still struggle to an extent) with the same feelings, and I had to work on it while I was in a relationship. I feel like if you break up and get into a new relationship, the feelings will just come back. Be honest with your girlfriend but don’t make it her problem, and work on yourself slowly.
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u/HopefulSwim9016 23h ago
The best way to work on these feelings is to feel them, not to avoid feeling them.
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u/Short-Work1706 23h ago
i meaan if it came to a breakup, i would expect something like "I cannot trust myslef to trust you, so it's for the sake of your freedom and my sanity" yknow. the "it's me, not you" style. not avoiding anything, just being honest.
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u/vstrong50 22h ago
While what you are saying is true regarding his trauma, it's pretty clear this girlfriend is not quite a proper for for probably what he needs. He may need a girl who dresses more moderately and isn't constantly around single guys late at night, who she then connects with on Instagram. To be clear, there is NOTHING wrong with ANYTHING I said for a woman to do, but for him, that probably just doesn't work. I agree he needs to work on his past trauma, but he also needs to find a girl who is perhaps 'safer' for him (or whatever you want to call it) . All girls are different and there's a lot to choose from. There's a better match out there for him.
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u/VanEagles17 22h ago
That doesn't address the root cause of the issue though. Op will always find something to be anxious about no matter who his partner is.
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u/novel_airline 1d ago
And never work on yourself, even when it's obvious you need to improve and it's not the other person's fault.
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u/Joeycaps99 1d ago
This killed me hahahahhahaa Rarely see this advice. I was thinking like. Maybe fix yourself first. Haha u nailed it
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u/Westykins 21h ago
anxiety sucks it’s not a ‘don’t stay’ thing. i have severe anxiety and all this will do, is make homeboy be anxious if he made the right decision and wonder what she’s doing now that she’s ‘single’ and imagining all scenarios.
i don’t think a lot of people realize it’s as simple as ‘just leave!’ . he needs to address this on the inside.
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u/MichaelL9504 1d ago
Yeah, that’s not the answer at all. OP will feel like this in every relationship he is in until he works this out himself.
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u/ProtrudingD 21h ago
She’s networking. It’s a must in the photography/videography world.
Thats why she’s connecting with others on instagram.
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u/LetErCarryEr19 22h ago
Sounds like you have anxious attachment. I've been there done that.
Read the book "Attached" by Amir Levine. It will help you. Also sit down with your gf after reading this book and explain everything you learn from the book to her. Keep it simple. Good luck!
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u/Might_Witty 1d ago
Brother i understand being hurt in the past by someone and ending up w another and your start to become fearful....... been there......... but dont hold your new partner responsible for your shitty ones betrayals or actions........ trust her....... if she is straight up telling you theres nothing to worry about she see thats your worried probably and is saying it to try and ease your mind somehow........ dont assume....... if there ever is infidelity it will be apparent at some point...... but until you see it and its blantant.......... give this new partner your so scared of losing the benefit of the doubt......... believe in them.......... it means alot especially to women and especially if they indeed arent doing anything wrong
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u/general_zirx 1d ago
Youre style of writing makes me irrationally angry
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u/Express_Way_3794 Super Helper [5] 23h ago
You know you can use just one dot as a period at the end of a sentence, right?
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u/lorelei6150 1d ago
It sounds like her job is triggering for you but you have to remember it’s her job so yes she is allowed to dress for the job and be a sort of networker while at events. I’m sorry your ex made you so anxious and created trust issues but I would give your gf the benifit of the doubt especially if she’s given no other reason to not trust her. I would also practice keeping busy while she’s at work to keep your mind from spiraling. And maybe don’t keep track of who follows who on insta, I think these things will only make your anxiety worse.
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u/Limp_Researcher_8792 14h ago
Hey buddy,
Imma be honest with you, it doesn't matter how many dudes there, it doesn't matter where ahe is or what she does, it doesn't matter what she wears, what time she comes back. If she is going to cheat, she fucking will. And there's nothing you can do about it.
I don't mean to leavs her, or "once a cheater always a cheater". This bullshit. All I kean is you can only work on yourself. Are you running? Journaling? Have you got ibto therapy? That's all you can do IN THE MEANTIME. Cause I promise man, time will rub this one out, one way or another.
And if she cheats, well fuck her! I know it would suck, and I don't know if you have assets or a family with her, but man, these are all fixable. Might get hard, but you'll be fine. Actually, you know what, you haven't cheated, and that is worth a shit ton. Cause even if you split, and its a disaster, at the very end, you only bring your name to the grave. And in this society, being a cheater is a indelible mark.
Take care buddy. Smoke a fat one and go to bed
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u/OddOllin 1d ago edited 22h ago
She is not doing anything wrong.
You are overreacting.
This is a horrible way to live and a horrible mindset to have as a partner.
Anyone can cheat at anytime, period. You need to grow out of the delusion that you can see it coming and somehow control it. That's stupid bullshit.
You need to find the strength to believe in others and stop obsessing over what could be instead of what is.
Right now, she is dating you. Respect that and her, or fuck off down the road and figure your stuff out. Nobody deserves to be controlled and managed by a paranoid lover.
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u/CallumMcG19 20h ago
Yeah bro I'm gonna give you the same advice I gave my insecure ex, I'm not her ex
She is not your ex. You do not apply the conditions created by an ex to a current partner, you have a right to be concerned and there are appropriate ways to sit down and discuss it
Otherwise you'll just end up ruining this relationship and regretting it unless she is in fact guilty
What she's doing just sounds like networking to me, especially given you say she's in the event industry
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u/Few-Marzipan-5647 22h ago
Damn bro if this shit cooked you enough to come to Reddit for it.
Leave her alone & move forward. This is my simple answer.
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u/Chemical_Shirt7837 1d ago
You have no choice but to trust a little bit, just keep 1 eye open. Nothing screams dodgy except the insta follows, maybe something to keep an eye on
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u/projectmoonlightcafe 1d ago
Not really. If you are working as a photographer at student parties, you are likely trying to build your brand. This is work. I know dozens of photographers who work in the business for a living and social media is the only way these people get noticed -> business. If no one follows you, then you are irrelevant.
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u/LaDankSpartan 1d ago
Honestly to be real with you, you really only have two options.
I resonate with what other people have to say about moving on, it really does get exhausting and will take its toll on you. That’s Option A.
On the other hand, as someone who’s dealt with it myself, if you want to stay with that person and try it, then go for it. But you have to accept that there is always a possibility someone will be unfaithful, you have zero control over the actions of someone else.
The sooner you internalize this and I mean TRULY internalize it, not just acknowledge it, the sooner you can start focusing on your own happiness regardless of what happens with this person.
Trust is a decision, and 99 people may break that trust but eventually there will be 1 who lives up to that standard for you.
Don’t let anxiety or jadedness ruin the possibility of something beautiful. Relationships are risky, I don’t think people realize that enough, but when they work they are beautiful.
Bless you OP, I hope this helps
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u/Jakoberiff 20h ago
Seems like you need to work on yourself, you didn’t mention how much time you spent single in between relationships, jumping from relationship to relationship isn’t healthy and is unfair to your partner, I’ve been where you’ve been and it doesn’t work out well for anyone. Seek therapy, be honest and open with your partner but don’t insinuate stuff, just express yourself. But seek therapy
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u/Hopefulbat102 19h ago
Have a candid conversation about how you feel. Don’t make it accusatory. State your stance while telling her you support her ventures. How she reacts to your feelings will tell you if you should stay or not. If she tries to see your side of it and empathizes even a little, there’s hope.
Dismissive, and you’re probably right and you know what to do.
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u/ScornedSloth 18h ago
She is not your ex. Plenty of relationships end because of this kind of projection. If she hasn't given you any reason not to trust her, then trust her.
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u/haloguy97 14h ago
You either trust her or you don’t.
Her job requires connections her following people is just a part of it. You need to either talk to her or start reconsidering your relationship. Try and ask to tag along one day and get a chance to meet everyone if that could help you anxiety. You need to be able to trust your partner the feelings you are having are not fair to her.
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u/antimetal123 14h ago
Trust your gut. If you really feel this way then someone who works in that environment is not right for you.
There is no point tormenting yourself just because you want the relationship to keep going. Just from hearing your side, it seems she is already fed up explaining things to you.
Part of her work is what makes you anxious. Solutions are either you can somehow learn to get over it(easy to say, hard to do) or just be with someone who does not work or stay in that environment.
Peace is worth a lot. Learn who you are first and you wont be diving head first and get stuck in situations you dont want to be in.
Enjoy this relationship for what it is. I would not be taking it too seriously.
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u/Rio686868 13h ago
A good photographer networks. She has to in order to keep her business going. She could branch out on her own finding enough clients. Work on yourself bro. You have trust issues and it's completely understandable. You don't want to put a wedge in between this girl for this relationship. It's a lot easier said than done. Trust her until she gives you a reason not to. I know you probably don't want to go through another breakup for someone cheating on you. But you need to truly give it a chance and give her the trust she deserves. She hasn't hurt you. She hasn't cheated on you. Secondly sometimes feelings are not correct. Worked through those feelings for the better of your own good. In all sincerity,good luck.
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u/vetvildvivi 13h ago
Hey, I'm really sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're going through a lot of stress and worry. It's important to communicate openly and honestly with your girlfriend about how you're feeling. Trust is key in any relationship, so try to have a calm and understanding conversation with her about your concerns. Remember, it's okay to express your feelings and set boundaries. Take care of yourself.
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u/fauxmystic313 12h ago
As someone who has experienced infidelity + divorce, followed by a decade of insecurity about being cheated on again, the best advice I can give you is this: if you really love her, then trust her, and let it go. Whenever that nagging feeling crawls up out of your chest, remind yourself that you trust her. If she hasn’t given you any legitimate reason not to trust her, consider it an act of love and respect for her autonomy and individuality. You love her for her, which, presumably, is someone that gives you the same respect of trusting your faithfulness. You aren’t loving the people who came before that cheated, you’re loving her. I promise your confidence will grow noticeably, and your love for her will grow stronger in letting this go.
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u/postoergopostum 12h ago edited 12h ago
My brother spent years doing that kind of photography, and the culture those companies develop and encourage is of a particular kind of highly social environment where the men are all fit and good looking to encourage females to buy prints, and the females are similiar to encourage the men the disparity in numbers 1 to 7 reflects the fact that men are much less inclined to pay for the souvenir photo.
The sales technique involves a great deal of flirting, and accepting drinks from strangers, and exchanging instagram contacts.
Clearly it's a job designed to send a guy with your hang ups insane.
I can tell you that mostly the photography staff tip their drinks into the pot plants, and that would be true. I can tell you that the male photography staff are far too focused on their commissions from sales to take time away to actually flirt with your Mrs who is trying to maximise her sales as we.
But I don't think it would help.
You are projecting the behaviours of someone from your past onto your current girlfriend. That's terribly unfair to her. She hasn't done anything to deserve that, and doesn't deserve it.
Your insecurities and stress should be your problem and your problem alone. The belief that insecurities generated by your past should cause people in your present and future to modify their behaviour leads to the worst kind of manipulative and controlling behaviours.
If you can't control your jealousy and possessiveness, it's you that needs counselling, not your partner that needs discipline.
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u/DistinctRepair980 11h ago
I can understand why you are feeling anxious. And it sounds like you need a relationship with someone who is not involved in a scenario of this kind...or... you need to find a way to manage your fears so that they don't manage you. Have you thought about getting some counseling to work on how the affects of the betrayal in the first relationship you mentioned have left you reactive and anxious? Unfortunately, you can't keep your SO's in a box in order to feel secure.
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u/Quicksi1verLoL 8h ago
She may not be cheating but she’s definitely the kind of person that always keeps her options open. I’ve dated girls like that before. Instead of asking yourself has she cheated I would ask do you really want to be stressing out about her every time she has a late night out. Obviously the answer is probably no…so you need to either 1. Get over it or 2. Get a new gf that is less hot.
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u/SnowWhiteSissy709 8h ago
Your instincts aren’t lying. She is cheating 100%. Sorry. Females once understood are very easy to sort out.
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u/tokyoagi 6h ago
You need to take some magnesium and get a hobby. She is not yours to control. Nor can you stop her from interacting with other men. The best thing is to work on yourself. Go lift. Go walk. Start a project. Something more interesting than her schedule.
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u/callme__v 3h ago
To get over our past is our job. If you continue to project your insecurities on your new partners, you will lose them or push them away. Read it again
Tell your GF about your past and your insecurities and that you are trying to work on them. If she is into you, your vulnerability will bring you two close. It's okay to feel this way as long as you don't project or make life difficult for her.
It's OKAY to get hurt. Review your past relationship and see what lessons are there for YOU to learn (read possible co-dependency and self-esteem issues; I am not sure).
If someone loves you, feel lucky and allow them to love you. Share your fears and be vulnerable without projecting your fears on your GF. Open communication goes a long, long way
Love deeply. Deeeeply. Yourself and your loved ones.
Wishes.
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u/Secure_Stand_8643 2h ago
It's good that you're seeking advice, please also seek therapy. You sound controlling, possessive and jealous. Doesn't sound like you should be in a relationship until you do a lot of self reflection.
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u/theringsofthedragon 2h ago
You're really the bad person here. You think only about yourself, but you don't even realize the negative impact you have on other people. If you feel anxious, imagine the anxiety she feels from you thinking she's cheating. It's abuse.
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u/martinsaind 2h ago
The truth is that u can't prevent cheating more then being a great partner .. U can lock here up in a basement with chains to avoid fysicak contact with the world but that's basically it...
So treat here with respect and give here what she needs. Your feelings is your responsibility not hers and telling here about them will out som responsibility on here..
Just deal with it and trust here. If you make it hard for here I promise she will leave you for someone who accept here.
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u/mustardnight 1h ago
You’ve got a choice OP:
- Become and insufferable control freak who spends the rest of his life assuming your partner is cheating; or
- Don’t.
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u/Humble_Beautiful_121 40m ago
You don’t need a relationship at this point in your life. You need to go be single and heal from the cheating that was involved in your last relationship.
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u/FordLightning Helper [4] 1d ago
You are projecting someone else’s wrongdoing onto your girlfriend. It’s work. I used to work in that industry and I can tell you, the girls never sleep around. The ones that do don’t last long. She’s following those guys back because she’s networking. You’re reading way too much into this.
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u/bernatyolocaust 1d ago
My brother in Christ:
Each person is different. Your gf is not you ex. But you are still you, and the trust issues caused by your ex stem from you and bleed into your new relationship.
Work on yourself. Go to therapy, talk to an expert, you cannot live with mistrust forever. It’s painful and agonizing.
Trust your gf. And I don’t mean blindly trust and expect everything to go well. I mean talk to her, communicate your insecurities and trust issues, ask her to reinforce your weaknesses. You’re a team, you shouldn’t go through life alone. Work it out together.
Best of luck and again, I cannot stress this enough, communicate. Explain. Trust your partner with that.
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u/CaramelMartini 1d ago
This looks and sounds so ChatGPT, especially compared to your other posts.
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u/Chudmeister42069 1d ago edited 23h ago
Ngl dude her dressing to kill and having new dudes following her every time she goes out does give negative vibes. There’s gotta be someone out there better for you.
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u/Outrageous-Rope-8707 23h ago
I agree. There’s plenty of women out there with jobs that don’t involve having to dress provocatively and hang out at parties.
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u/floydman96 1d ago
At the end of the day, whether it’s work or not, she’s still dressing a certain way and is going to parties surrounded by men.
Not everyone is compatible with everyone, and if her work doesn’t sit well with you, then don’t be with her. I also wouldn’t be with her, or a bartender, or a nurse (if ykyk).
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u/Marinbla 22h ago
I am a nurse, daughter of a waitress, tell me what you mean.
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u/LingeringHumanity 19h ago
Nurses have a horrible reputation for being cheaters for some reason. I'm not sure if the statistics actually back that up or not though.
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u/Yeah_i_suppose 1d ago
There’s an episode of The Office where Jim — who’s not usually the jealous type — is sitting in a bar with Pam’s then-boyfriend, Roy. At one point, Jim casually asks, “Your girlfriend’s out at a bar without you? Aren’t you worried?”
Cut to the next scene: Jim is driving alone on the highway. He pulls over, sits in silence for a moment, and then quietly says, “…No,” before turning the car around.
The point isn’t that Jim was overcome by jealousy — it’s that he wasn’t. He recognized the insecurity creeping in, and instead of letting it dictate his actions or moral compass, he rejected it. In that moment, Jim chose to act in alignment with the kind of relationship he wanted: one built on trust, respect, and emotional maturity. He didn’t let fear or possessiveness take the wheel — literally or figuratively.
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u/j_donn97 1d ago
Buddy you ever think about going to therapy? It’s important to understand that whatever your ex did, she is not this current girl. Seems like you’re pretty insecure and maybe talking to a therapist before going scorched earth on your relationship is the smarter play
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u/ThaGlizzard 1d ago
Bro there are women out there who don’t party, don’t drink all the time and arnt highly social creatures. Don’t date someone who’s lifestyle gives you anxiety
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u/Square-Minimum-6042 23h ago
She is outgoing and highly social and it's not for you. Not compatible.
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u/iTradeCrayons 19h ago
If she dresses provocative around especially good looking men while she's in a relationship I got bad news for you bro, she's looking for someone better, she would be avoiding this behaviour if she really loved you
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u/beepboopbob2 18h ago edited 18h ago
Just to play devils advocate against the usual white knight group think, yeah you absolutely have issues and should get therapy but that said, only you get to decide your own boundaries. It's easy for strangers on the internet to tell you that your gf dressing provocatively and networking at parties is her job and you should get over it (and that could very well work out just fine), but this sort of job is inherently going to involve flirting, drinking, etc., and not being ok with your SO doing that doesn't make you jealous or unreasonable.
What you need to do is ask yourself whether this is important enough to you to set a boundary over and if it is, explain your feelings calmly and be careful to not present it as an ultimatum (even though it essentially is). She will then understand how much this behavior is affecting you and when people are confronted by this they will do one of two things. If they're an emotionally mature person who truly values the relationship they will try to compromise by offering to modify their behavior in some way (though this may not mean immediately quitting the job ofc depending on circumstances). And if they're not then they will justify their behavior, possibly by pointing to reddit threads like this one, and tell you you're wrong for feeling the way you do.
And that's a pretty good litmus test for a relationship, because someone who truly cares about you is going to be much more concerned about the fact that their behavior is hurting you than whether you have a right to be hurt by it or not.
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u/spookytrooth 16h ago
Sounds like you’re not ready for a relationship. Focus on you and make a concerted effort to self reflect, grow and heal.
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u/Comfortable_Wash_351 12h ago
If you just want companionship and are unwilling to trust you should get a goldfish.
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u/Agitated_Chard6312 10h ago
All these people are gaslighting you and saying you need therapy, as if going out late, dressing provocatively and following random guys on her personal IG is part of photography.
It's obviously suspicious and you're not insane, you're being totally reasonable.
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u/sprogged 10h ago
Why would you be in a new relationship while clearly you havent healed from the previous one?
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u/phil_lndn 1d ago
it might be worth doing some therapy - it sounds very much as if you are still carrying unresolved pain from your past experience. if you don't deal with it, its likely to sabotage your future.
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u/anarcho_the_god6 1d ago
I can’t really give better advice than the other commenters, but I can suggest therapy. I’m working through the same type of situation, my ex before last cheated on me more times than I probably know. Older men, men the same age as me, seemingly almost anyone. I had my next relationship after that fail due to my jealousy, and now I’m working through it in therapy and with my current partner. I guess that’s another thing, I suggest communicating the situation with your partner (without being a dick about it, I understand how overwhelming it can be but it’s no excuse) and talking through it with her. Make sure she knows you don’t want her to change anything, because that can definitely cause things to go south. And when those feelings come up, remind yourself that she is with you, and she is NOT your ex. She is a whole different person. Comparisons never work out well.
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u/Minimum-Juice9400 1d ago
You cannot bring old issues into a new relationship and I feel like that’s what you’re doing. I definitely understand, but it’s not fair to either of you. You have to at least try to give her the benefit of the doubt, even when asking her about her day.
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u/Diamonddgc1 1d ago
She is not your ex. and following people on Instagram is not a crime. You have got to learn to trust her. If you want a girl with no life of her own, afraid to go outside, get on a dating site for anti socials or select someone with the "600 lb life. I'm glad you asked the question and hopefully you can grow, figure out how to relax..best of luck 🫶
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u/Asteroid2024 1d ago
You need to get some counseling. Your past relationship is dictating your current - and let me tell you, it will be exhausting for your partner. I’m exhausted just reading this so I can only imagine how she feels.
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u/redeyezcrow 1d ago
Don't hold on to it. I know it's hard but rly even if it happens there's nothing you could've done to prevent it and worrying only disturbs your present peace. Trust and if it so happens that the current one does what the past one did, you have to be strong and be able to walk away without a word. But until then, love with all your heart. You at least will carry no regrets.
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u/Benjamins412 Helper [2] 1d ago
If it bothers you that much, just break up. I'm sure you can find a girl who will be frumpy and loaf around the house with you 24/7. She doesn't seem like the right girl for you rn.
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u/brussels_foodie 1d ago
Following someone on an online social platform is not equivalent to cheating.
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u/jponce155 Helper [2] 1d ago
hmm you sound traumatized from what happened in your last relationship. I think you need a long break from relationships tbh.
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u/Confident_Toe_7607 1d ago
Cheating is not a mistake it's a choice. You're anxious because you don't trust her. Move on.
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u/Realistic-Mango-1020 1d ago
My ex got cheated on by both his exes. In our relationship no matter how “good” I was, no matter how “loyal” I was he was so anxious that he became mean and coercive control soon also showed its ugly head. I had no friends left and he blamed me for his lack of social life too. We eventually broke up.
His new gf was friends with her ex, she was very extroverted and had many male friends and he made an “effort” for her because she set boundaries (something I struggled with when it came to his behaviour) and told him to sort his shit out.
You cannot imagine how much it hurt seeing that he decided she didn’t deserve the shitty behaviour he was giving me. Not bcs I was jealous in any way but because for me it meant he thought it was okay to do to me when I was pretty much a saint in that relationship but she deserved better. 2 years later his new relationship also ended because of his jealousy and he messaged to tell me how wrong he was and how much he regrets not appreciating the peace that I was offering.
What I’m trying to say here OP is it doesn’t matter what your partner does. You need to heal that part of you that got damaged from your past relationship before you ruin this one too. It doesn’t matter if she cheats. It doesn’t. There is nothing you can do to control someone else’s actions. If they want to cheat they will find a way. What you can do though is control what you do. You need to trust yourself to leave IF your partner is disloyal. Don’t let the hurt of the past ruin the happiness of the present and future. Don’t let that experience dictate the rest of your life.
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u/zexwyomom 1d ago
Its all in your head bro. Finally she comes to your house and loves you right? What is the problem
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u/queenlee17 1d ago
Listen, from someone who’s been in multiple broken, abusive, and highly unfaithful relationships, I completely sympathize with you. Same thing with meeting someone you feel is the perfect partner. And from someone who faces the same anxiety, I’m here to tell you that a good 90% of it is just in your head. Your feelings are valid, your worry is valid, but you’ve got to get over that hill and realize that this person loves you and they’re not going out to hurt you. In your case specifically, she’s going out for work. And the last thing you want to do is be with someone who’s perfect for you, and then ruin it because of your own anxieties and traumas. You’ll never forgive yourself and you may block your own blessing. Because you can’t expect any partner you’re with to simply not go out, or leave the house for work, etc. that’s not healthy, and eventually it’ll push her to a point where she can’t do it anymore. And it’d be wrong to try and make her give up her job for something that’s really not her fault. You’ve got to learn to cope with these feelings and heal, so that these bouts of anxiety and trauma don’t destroy both you and her, and eventually, the relationship. I truly understand. But you’ve got to move forward
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u/BaldNBankrupt 1d ago
You tell her about it and that it’s making you uncomfortable, if she doesn’t do shit about it, you tell her how nice it was to know her, why stay with someone who’s doesn’t value you? If you don’t value yourself then nobody will
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u/Neravosa 1d ago
You have two options: respectfully explain this to her and ask if there's anything she can do to assuage your fears WITHOUT making it an ultimatum or accusation. People who explain themselves kindly and without anger or fear are often well-received even if the topic is a tough one. I'm not sure what she could do or say to help you, but it's an option.
The only other option is breaking up. If the specific nature of her job is causing you a great deal of distress and there's absolutely no reasonable recourse, then this isn't gonna work. Trust is so key and without enough this relationship won't work.
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u/AbilityDizzy427 1d ago
I’ve been in a similar situation. Not every relationship is the same brother. Sounds to me like deep down you’re not over the first incident of cheating with your first girlfriend. Until you truly have a 1 on 1 conversation with yourself, open your mind and thoughts to everything you avoid facing internally, then and only then will you be free and be able to move forward. This new girl while she’s seemingly doing something innocent for the most part, it still hurts you and causes you to get anxiety. Move on or sit down with current girlfriend and maybe explain to her how you feel. Maybe she will help assure you or maybe she will break up with you. Idk man but true happiness with always start internally first in my opinion.
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u/yolo_2345 1d ago
Yeah if you feel that way and it's literally eating you alive then you should probably break up with her for your own peace of mind whether she is cheating or not. Why does she have to dress provocative? Also why is she adding all these guys on Instagram and following back is that also part of the job kind of smells fishy to me. I think you should follow your instinct and just leave you need a kind of woman who is more of a stay at home doesn't dress provocative doesn't have guys on Instagram she's following everyday. I think how you're feeling is normal I think it has nothing to do with your past as a man if you're okay with your woman dressing like a w**** and adding new guys on social media and regular basis you're not really a man you're f****** coward floor mat. So don't let nobody kill you with a b******* back you're overreacting or you're in control or any of that
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u/Last-Scratch-5431 1d ago
Watch “The entire history of you” episode of Black Mirror. It will have all your answers.
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u/TrespassersWill 1d ago
I think there are two things going on and you should consider them separately.
Your head is still a mess from that last betrayal. If your school offers counseling, you should give it a try to address your anxiety and self confidence.
If you don't believe anyone can love you you're always going to have these doubts regardless of the partner.
None of that has anything to do with whether your current gf is faithful.
Are there actual red flags with her? Is she coming home drunk from events she is supposedly working?
Is she texting these guys personal stuff and not just logistics?
Is she lying about where she is going or who she is seeing?
Is she dismissing and deflecting legitimate issues you raise?
It can't just be that she is around men so you can't handle it.
Have you ever seen her doing this photo job? Is there a way for you to attend one of these parties so you can see it and replace your imagined image with reality?
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u/Key-Dare8686 1d ago
Man, maybe you need to get out the relationship and work on you and what you want and what your boundaries will be. Living like you’re living is no good and super unhealthy
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u/Sitar_Rainier_32 1d ago
Treat each relationship as they are new. This girl is not your ex, therefore can’t be viewed that way.
The harsh reality is, no amount of control you wish you had over the situation will change someone else’s actions. If someone is going to step out , then they step out. And then you move on. That is sadly just a risk in love. You can just hope that this person loves and respects you so much - that they won’t do that.
I will speak from experience here though - the more you interject , the more insecure you get , and the more vocal you are ….. it may turn her off and actually drive her away.
Maybe think about taking a break from social media. Instagram spying and scrolling thru someone’s friend list - just feels so toxic and it’s only going to worry you with every photo you see … any name you read. coming from a person who deleted all social media including instagram in 2014, it WILL help your daily anxiety evaporate.
Best of luck, hang in there.
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u/shodian95 1d ago
I think you have a trauma and that should be worked with a psychologist, so you can live better your relationship with your actual girlfriend or any other girlfriends in the future
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u/New_Cheesecake_2675 1d ago
Make your own friends with beautiful women and post pics on Instagram. Keep yourself busy and don’t be too available for your gf.
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u/clityeastwood805 1d ago
Stop torturing yourself. You seem pretty young so how bout taking a break from dating and focusing on loving yourself and having a good time doing cool shit. Do you really see her as the love of your life already? That person who you'll be playing checkers with in the old folks home?
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u/TuGuac_Shakur 1d ago
Just tell her again that if she feels she has to dress in a way that makes you uncomfortable to these parties then maybe you two aren't as compatible as you originally thought....but general advice would be to not invest all your emotions into it, find hobbies and things that bring you joy so you can live a life of abundance so it's not really an issue if you have to drop her
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u/zulako17 1d ago
Honestly just break up. If she is cheating then you don't want to be with her. If she isn't cheating it's clear you still have some unresolved trauma. Get that handled before you start dating again.
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u/ResponsibleOil7244 1d ago
Honestly if she fuck with you she won't switch on you keep doing you don't put energy on that always have a back up just in case shit goes south . Start dressing up and go out talk to more people stop stressing out over this we are all going to die anyways what's the point enjoy your life don't limit yourself step out brother you will be fine don't worry about those guys from work remember you can't move a girls ass from where she wants it to sit you have no power over that but what you can do is change the way you move ! I hope this helped 🙏
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u/Fabricati_Diem_Pvn 1d ago
You're right that the anxiety is with you. But that doesn't mean it doesn't affect the relationship. Just pretending that it's not an issue clearly doesn't help, but also, you cannot expect her to change herself or her career for you. You need to talk to her, and ask the other person in this relationship for help in trying to navigate this. Maybe you need therapy, maybe something else, but, yeah, maybe that will result in a break up. Not because of anything wrong with her, but because you're just not ready for her because of your trauma.
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u/Substantial_Point_57 23h ago
Bringing your old luggage to a new relationship is the worst.
You’re not ready for a new relationship if this is how you’re feeling while she’s at WORK.
Work on yourself, go to therapy. Figure out what makes you jealous
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u/Brunchpunks 23h ago
OP when I was younger and in my twenties I was like this also. I was cheated on but honestly it mostly stemmed from just being generally insecure all around. I grew up went to therapy worked on myself first and then found an amazing partner You need to be happy and healthy first no one can do it for you or complete you. As many have already pointed out and I say this with as much love and kindness as I can from experience. You are the problem here. You can’t punish your partner something someone else did to you. This will end your relationship eventually. You need to work on yourself here, Therapy isn’t for everyone but it helped me and I encourage it. I hope everything works out for you OP. K
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u/bacon-avocado Helper [3] 23h ago
I haven’t stayed with anyone past the first time cheating. I have a conversation at the beginning of the relationship and establish ground rules and what constitutes cheating in both of our minds. What we do when single is different than if we are trying to form a relationship with someone.
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u/Ok-Advantage3180 23h ago
You need therapy. You’re clearly still caught up by what your ex did to you that you’re convinced your gf will do the same. But your gf isn’t your ex. It’s more than understandable that you feel this way, but you need to work through it. Go and get help so you can work through these issues with a professional
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u/Lviator92 23h ago
She’ll cheat on you, or she won’t.
I’ve (32m) have been in many relationships where the women have not been honest. I’ve also been in some where they were and it just didn’t work out.
The worst thing that can happen is that they cheat. And if they do, so what? It is a great indicator that you deserve better.
If I stayed with the cheaters I never would’ve met the amazing woman I am with today.
If you let that anxiety control you you will certainly ensure the downfall of your relationship. Chill, do your thing, and don’t treat someone as dishonest until they do something dishonest.
As someone who’s been there, you got this bro.
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u/Fanzirelli 23h ago
people will downvote me but idc.
I will check her phone lol
I'm not neurotic or anxious about being cheated on like you tho. So if I get the feeling that I have to check, it's for a good reason.
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u/nacthenud 23h ago
Your fear of losing her will cause you to lose her. It’s natural to feel afraid and jealous, especially when you’ve been hurt by someone before. But it’s unfair to put that on her. You have to trust her. If you can’t do that the relationship will fail. Does that mean you open yourself up to getting hurt again? Yes. But if you can’t accept that possibility then you are dooming the relationship.
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u/Interesting_Light983 23h ago
It’s more fun being single anyways. Women aren’t worth it. Stay independent, king
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u/LoraxPopularFront 23h ago
Go to a therapist, bro. You got some major issues not grounded in your actual present situation.
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u/TraderJoe57 23h ago
Man up, dump her ass and find a girl who respects you. "Just work and nothing is going on"...yeah, right...
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u/ToePsychological8709 23h ago
Being jealous is a really unnatractive trait so I really hope you don't keep badgering her about this. You will push her away.
If you are concerned and on edge all the time and don't trust her then leave. No amount of words will convince you otherwise.
If you are worried about the guys she is hanging with being attractive then make yourself more attractive. Become the man that other men would be jealous of you hanging round their girl.
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u/eric_the-ok_artist 23h ago
My wife is a photographer. She is beautiful and is gone all day, sometimes doing shoots. Don't distrust her. She's isn't your ex. Let your guard down and enjoy your relationship.
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u/AznNRed Helper [2] 23h ago
If you have trust issues, seek therapy. Reddit is a terrible echo chamber for infidelity.
Reddit makes it seem like everyone is either cheating or being cheated on. It amplifies your anxiety. Bit if your gf hasn't given you any reason not to trust her, then you are likely just being paranoid.
You gotta work on yourself and your trust issues if you want your relationship to work.
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u/Prestigious-War-4671 23h ago
I’m a firm believer in sticking with your gut feelings if that is what you are describing. If your gut is telling you something is up, it probably is.
I will say though, you don’t sound “healed” enough to be in a relationship. Cheating has been shown to create PTSD like symptoms in people. You need therapy and time dude. Probably shouldn’t be in a relationship at all. You can’t punish her for other girls mistakes. Probably be best to end it for both of your sakes.
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u/word_theif 23h ago
If you are able to I would suggest trying therapy. I think carrying your emotional trauma into your new relationship is the beginning of a pattern that will eventually follow you to your next relationship (this one will eventually end because of the lack of trust and that is exhausting for everyone involved).
I understand how you feel but this isn’t her bag to carry and it seems like she is being incredibly patient with you. The first step is admitting what you’re feeling to yourself and her - which it seems you have done. The next step is working on those issues on your own time in a safe space.
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u/michael_1215 23h ago
Being heavily involved in nightlife is single-girl behavior, plain and simple. Nothing inherently evil about frequenting bars and parties, but if she wants to act like a single girl, that's her choice. It's also your choice not to date attention-seeking women who are heavily involved in night-life.
There are soooo many girls that don't do nightlife and aren't attention-seeking, just date one of them instead. Next time, set boundaries around nightlife before you become official with a girl.
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u/Toadahtrip 23h ago
Maybe dating isn’t the right idea at the time. Dating should be fun not stressed about every encounter with the opposite sex. Time to gain some confidence and trust and if she breaks that trust move on. You dodged a bullet.
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u/DarthElendil13 23h ago
First of all you need to understand that bringing baggage from a past relationship is big no no.
Second, love is given but trust is earned. Tell your girlfriend how you feel and explain your reasons without getting angry because if you get angry she will use that against you and DO NOT BRING UP YOUR EX! while doing that observe her, her glances, hand movements, try to get a feel. And finally explain her ehat kind of a relationship you want to be in, if she agrees with you good if not good riddence, move on. You are young, believe me you will not die from a heartbreak.
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u/Fishes_N_Hoes 23h ago
I was in a relationship with someone for three years who was cheated on by past partners. Because of that, I put my life on lock down to make HIM comfortable in am attempt to prove I would never put him through that. I didn't even hang out with my female friends because he'd get sideways thinking guys would show up (they didn't). Working was difficult because I needed to over explain that I wasn't attracted to any men I worked with to quell his anxiety.
It took all three years for him to finally realize that how he'd been acting was wrong and unfair to me, because I was essentially suffering the consequences of OTHER PEOPLE'S actions.
How he came to this realization? I left. He is now in therapy working through the pain his exes caused him, which is something I had suggested many times through the relationship. I am working through the damage it caused me with my own therapist, and learning how to be a person again.
I highly suggest you get yourself into therapy if you can. Making your current partner repent for the sins of your ex will only cause both of you pain.
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u/zapzapmcgee 23h ago
You just have to trust in her, if that’s not there then the relationship won’t work
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u/Dark_Legi0n 23h ago
Honestly, if this situation is bothering you this much just break up with her. Everybody deserves peace of mind, but if you can't trust her, then let her go
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u/Cantbelieveiam52 23h ago
Look - either you trust her or you don't. She isn't your ex, so to treat her like she is isn't fair to her.
Remember too that she is working. If she is hooking up with other guys, she is going to lose her job, as she is not doing what she is being paid to do.
Personally, you should probably see a therapist to deal with your insecurity. Because if you cant trust there is no way a relationship can work. And whomever you date is always going to work with people of the opposite sex.
Good luck.
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u/atx_buffalos 23h ago
You can leave her, but this is a you problem because you need to deal with what your ex did to you. Until you do, your relationships will always stress you out.
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u/realkca 23h ago
I’m sorry that these people are validating your fears and insecurities man. I’ve been in your shoes before and get really anxious with girls because of past experiences. You have your right to worry and find suspicion in what’s going on. I wish i had the answers for you man but if you ever need to talk, send me a chat and we can talk about it. Have you tried therapy or talking to someone close about these fears?
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u/Last_Cauliflower_869 23h ago
You need to grow up before you start dating again. You sound extremely immature. Maturity comes with time. You’ll get to the point where you’re too busy with life to be worried about your own insecurities. If she cheats, she cheats. Ain’t a damn thing you can do but find a better woman.
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u/707808909808707 Helper [2] 23h ago edited 23h ago
If you have an issue with women that party why are you dating a woman who literally goes to parties for work? Date a woman whose in a book club or video game club. Plus, most women in college will party even if they aren’t frequent.
Also, why aren’t you at the parties? You could literally watch her from the party and see if she’s crossing boundaries to put your mind at ease.
Also, I don’t understand. Is she literally only around men? Does she not have any female friends in college? I would think her female friends would be at some of her events, if she has them. That’s a red flag there
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u/PrivateHolt 23h ago
Yeah , your wayy too paranoid to be comfortable in a relationship right now. You need to heal from your trauma before you end up hurting some random girl who isn't the one who hurt you. I'm not gonna judge if this new girl is bad or good because your seeing the world through a fractured lens right now, so even normal actions are gonna seem twisted. Being cheated on sucks ass, and it will 100% stick with you and continue to taint your view like a poison until you choose to try and fix the hurt. Alot of people would suggest therapy, and that could help. If you don't wanna do that, time will heal all wounds if you allow them to close. If you continue to pick and prod it won't ever heal. Good luck man. I hope you can get past this and I hope your future relationships can be better
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u/mcdonalds_baconater 23h ago
I feel like everyone's kinda glossing over the following other dudes back and dressing up for others but not for you points. idk ive got the same kinda insecurities and itd throw me off too. I could get over yk what she has to do for her job, but why does she give out her socials and follow these people back? are they repeat clients? and what would be wrong with a business email or something?
I dont know what to tell you. I mostly just see people telling you to trust her and not let your past experiences ruin new ones, and for the most part I agree. dont let these thoughts that, as of right now are just thoughts, potentially fuck up a good thing. but I also totally see where youre coming from and I would like to encourage more nuanced thinking than just blindly trusting her like most everyone else seems to be suggesting.
have a conversation with her, explain how this eating away at you and see what she can do within reason to reassure you that nothing is going on. if she truly loves you then I dont think it should be an issue, as long as she's truthful and you can accept that she really is telling you truth then this feeling will fade with time. if she is really apprehensive and doesnt want to prove herself any more than she already has, then maybe you guys just aren't compatible either way.
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u/Odd_Contact_2175 23h ago
Man I've been cheated on and the truth is if someone is going to cheat on you they will. So don't worry about it. If she wanted to cheat on you she'd do it wearing sexy clothes or wearing sweatpants, she'd do it going out to work parties or going to the supermarket. You're killing yourself and your relationship by stressing about it. You have to learn to move past your previous trauma of being cheated on and learn to trust your current GF. Also I sincerely doubt your GF is getting 6 man gang banged while she's out lol.
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u/reeeece2003 23h ago
I’m the same way, there’s a few things there that I wouldn’t be comfortable with so just say that. And her explaining it will probably calm you down, or if not and you don’t respect each others decisions it’s probably not going to work out.
Maybe her having location on and frequent communication would help reduce your anxiety?
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u/ForeverM6159 22h ago edited 22h ago
Bro, most people these days don’t meet there forever partner till late 20’s early 30’s. So chill out and don’t worry.
How this will go: She will tell you you’re paranoid and it’s just work. She’ll be cool with you one day then ghost you the next. Just worry about getting laid and having fun. She obviously not a girl you consider for a long term relationship at this point in time. If you show your anxiety and jealousy it will push her away. Girls find men that act this way unattractive. Just focus on having fun for as long as it last. If things don’t work out don’t take it hard. It’s just business. Chase a check not a bitch. “Mask Off, Future” Meaning focus on advancing yourself in career or school. Have ambition outside of your bitch. Ambition is a turn on for women. Crying and groveling are a sure way to turn women off.,Even though this advice may get some criticism it’s the best and most honest advice you’ll get.
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u/Ochremaster 22h ago
Talk to her about it. This isn’t something you should be asking strangers about. Express your concerns and be respectful about it, don’t be accusative. There could be answers for why things seem the way they do but also sometimes you could be right for being suspicious, the only way to truly know is by speaking to her about it.
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u/Prize-Grapefruiter 22h ago
the provocative dress is a puzzler , and I would worry about that too . you could question why she is dressing up like that and ask her to dress more formally .. besides, she is going to work anyway , not to party
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u/UnRulyCrab 22h ago
dont bleed on someone that didn’t cut you. you feeling like this is also a sign that you are not ready to be in a relationship.
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u/HopefulSwim9016 1d ago
From an objective perspective, I don't see anything that indicates that she might be cheating. She has a job. She's trying to do that job and be successful. A big part of that is appearance and networking - both in person and on social media. If she's going to a party, she needs to dress like she's going to a party. And as a photog, she needs exposure, which she gets by meeting people and having them follow her on socials. And when people follow her, it is polite for her to follow them back, which makes that person feel good about the whole interaction and more likely to give her leads or recommend her to other people or whatever.
Do these guys around her - her coworkers or clients or other guys at the party - want to bang her? Yes. Not all of them, but almost certainly a lot of them. Welcome to having a hot girlfriend. High five, you get to fuck her. But pat on the back, you need to deal with your insecurities about other guys wanting to fuck her.
Is she cheating on you? Could she cheat on you in the future? Maybe. We're just random assholes on the internet, we have no way of knowing. But since there is really no actual indication that she is cheating on you, it really just comes down to trust. And if you don't trust her when she has given you no reason to distrust her, then you'll probably experience this issue with *any* partner you might have.
I suggest trying to find a therapist to work with about your feelings of insecurity around infidelity. I also suggest talking with trusted friends about your feelings.
And finally, I suggest talking to your girlfriend about how you are feeling. You are in a relationship, and you are feeling like trash. When you feel like trash, your partner will (or at least should) notice. If you try to hide how you are actually feeling from her, then she will assume something is going on but will have no idea what it is and she'll wonder if you secretly hate her, if *you're* cheating on *her*, if you're secretly a serial killer and are planning on murdering her soon, etc. So that's no good - just tell her about how you are feeling, and then she won't be so worried about it. Also, do you want your girlfriend to dump you? Because you know girls like confidence, right? The grossest thing you can do as her boyfriend is to have some massive insecurity that makes you act paranoid and controlling, so if you don't get this under control, she's gonna bounce. But you know what's really fucking hot? Taking responsibility for your feelings, and communicating them openly and honestly to her so she can understand what is going on - that shows emotional maturity and confidence. It shows you value honesty - giving her the autonomy to make her own decisions with full information - more than you value trying to maintain an outward appearance of "having it all together". So tell her about how you are feeling, tell her about why you are feeling that way, ask for her understanding if you sometimes are emotionally distant when you are feeling this way, and inform her that you are taking responsibility for your own emotions by seeking help (via going to therapy and talking to friends). Do not ask her to actually change anything about the way she does her job - don't ask her to not go to parties, to not follow guys on IG, to change the ways she dresses, etc. These are all things that are triggering your insecurities, but they are *your* insecurities and therefore *your* responsibility. Instead, ask her for her understanding and support as you work through these difficult emotions so you can become a more confident and supportive partner yourself.