r/AutismInWomen • u/kairvr • 1d ago
General Discussion/Question Labeled the “Over-Dramatic” Child
Was anyone else constantly labeled as over-dramatic, drama queen, attention seeking, etc. growing up? I wasn’t diagnosed until my 20s so as a grade schooler my big reactions, unfiltered facial expressions, and meltdowns were all viewed as me wanting attention. I also feel like a lot of times when bad things would happen to me, I would have to exaggerate about it for people to perceive them as being worthy of the amount of distress I felt. For most of my childhood I ended up just accepting this as my label. In my head, I was the annoying attention seeking drama queen and deserved to be hated for that. Did anyone else have a similar experience?
EDIT - There is so much strength to be found in shared experiences. I hope that everyone reading and commenting on this thread feels less alone and can understand that you were NOT being too dramatic or difficult or attention seeking. We were all doing our best to emotionally regulate and have our needs met different levels of information and resources… for some of us, that was none. You should all be so proud of yourselves for surviving that and coming out on the other side to a space where we can learn and heal and forgive ourselves.
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u/dimensionalspirit 1d ago
YES. I was the child that cried over spilt milk. Over dramatic. Strange. Odd. Even as I got older (like 12-14) and had “tantrums” when I was really overwhelmed by my parents, I’d be called dramatic, attention seeking, even narcissistic at some point. It really hurt. It took a long time to learn emotional regulation and heal from the wounds of feeling like my emotions were inappropriate when they really were never heard.
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u/AnemonesCloser Late dx AuDHD 1d ago
Equal parts "drama queen" amd "hypochondriac." It sucks when it's drilled into a child that their pain or discomfort is not legitimate and is annoying to hear about. It makes it so hard to advocate for our own needs later in life.
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u/bigted42069 1d ago
Yes and I veered so hard in the other direction that I became the person with their shit together ™ so now no one believes me that something is wrong until I have a code red nuclear breakdown and then I am just called dramatic and people ignore me until I am back to "normal"
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u/letheflowing 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yes! I was labeled a crybaby as a child, and I absolutely fulfilled that reputation until mid-middle school age. I was definitely made to feel that I was a melodramatic attention seeker by everyone around me, which did not help me or my situation as an undiagnosed and unrecognized autistic girl. I always was never able to articulate or describe the intensity of things properly, so it seemed like no one could understand or help me. It led to a period in my teens and 20s where I tried to completely numb my emotions and sensitivity. Bad bad time, do not recommend! Turns out when you’re overly emotional and sensitive in the first place, numbing that shit just makes you hate yourself and want to die! It’s awful!
I just accept it now. I try to pause before reacting if something someone has done or said upsets me, just to mentally double check if I’m misunderstanding and about to overreact. That pause gives me the time to usually collect myself somewhat to address the issue. Not full proof, but better than it has been in the past for me. If I need to cry I cry, but thankfully I developed better regulation over the years in terms of getting frustrated or upset to the point of tears, so it’s better mitigated. Now I just cry over sad or happy things now and then, not always involving myself, sometimes I just felt something very sad or happy watching a movie or reading or listening to music or whatever, which even if they seem superficial or silly to others to be brought to tears over ¯_(ツ)_/¯
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u/Opening-End1099 1d ago
Yep I was referred to as brat, lazy, dramatic, crazy etc. Its followed me into my adult hood. It wasn't until trying to get my oldest diagnosed that I felt comfortable looking into it and sure enough I most likely have it. It explains so much. I always knew I was different but I was constantly brushed off.
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u/thefroggitamerica 1d ago
Being labelled as a brat for having understandable reactions to boundary violations was so damaging to me. Never understood adults in my life telling me I was being a "spoiled brat" either. Like you're my parents, you know I'm literally not spoiled because I rarely get even the bare minimum. My younger siblings who weren't neurodivergent WERE actually coddled and showered with gifts while I was the one accused of being spoiled because I was being forced into situations that I found uncomfortable.
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u/CJgreencheetah 1d ago
This makes me feel so much better about my childhood. I always tried not to cry so much but it was the only way my body knew how to cope with stress. I physically couldn't stop it and I always thought I was so sensitive and weak. Even now at age 19 I cry more than most teenagers and it's still my best coping mechanism. I never realized how many traits I had growing up that I hated were actually autistic behaviors. When I feel myself starting to tear up even now, I still cover my face in shame. I wish I could go back and just sit with my childhood self and tell her all the things I've learned about her and that she's allowed to act differently than everyone else.
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u/SufficientNothing795 1d ago
"I never realized how many traits I had growing up that I hated were actually autistic behavior"
I feel this SO much! I learn more every day about how I'm not a villain or broken or too much, I'm just autistic and always have been! It feels good to forgive your inner child
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u/shaddupsevenup 1d ago
I had very abusive parents. I wasn’t allowed to act up or I’d suffer physical consequences. It’s really hard for me to stop masking.
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u/SufficientNothing795 1d ago
Wow reading these comments is so validating but I also hate that so many of us went through this </3
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u/i-am-a-phoenix 1d ago
Yupppppp. Over dramatic, crybaby, drama queen, overreactor, too sensitive, you name it. Realising I was autistic recontextualised all my ‘tantrums’ as meltdowns where I genuinely could not control my emotions at that point. I wish I’d had all the tools and coping mechanisms I have now as a kid. I’d have been so much happier and self-accepting.
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u/i-am-a-phoenix 1d ago
Oh also I now have a fear of crying in front of anyone because I was told repeatedly that I cried too much and that made me unlovable so that’s a fun bit of trauma 🙃
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u/Normal-Importance388 1d ago
Yup, labeled a dramatic queen who over reacted to everything and was a hypochondriac. Everyone in my family still calls me this.
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u/3klyps3 1d ago
I did not feel like I had a safe space to cry until I got married and moved in with my husband. My parents hated how I cried, and yelled at me for crying. I have trouble crying quietly sometimes, because some feelings just feel too big to not loudly sob and wail. I was ashamed of how I cried, I wasn't trying to make a scene, but that's just what I needed to do to feel better. My parents pretty much forced me out the door, and I have not recieved any sympathy for my methods of coping until I recently came out as a (more than likely) ASD woman to my mom. Now I think it clicks for her why I was so "difficult", but I hate that that's what it took to make my self-soothing "okay" in her eyes.
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u/Magurndy Diagnosed ASD/Suspected ADHD 1d ago
Yes! I definitely had that issue. My brother said he always thought I was autistic but he also used to whine that I was a drama Queen. Drove me mad that nobody could understand I was genuinely very distressed when I was having a meltdown. They all thought I was spoilt or way too delicate about things. I couldn’t ever explain why I felt so distressed because I often too thought I was being so over dramatic and I couldn’t understand why…
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u/traceadart 1d ago
YES. I show no emotions now bc I have no idea what people want from me I’ve always been “overly sensitive” or “frigid” no in between.
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u/New-Violinist-1190 1d ago
Spent all of my childhood being told to "grow thicker skin" and being filmed mid meltdown because my parents thought it was funny.
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u/kaka1012 Add flair here via edit 1d ago
Yes yes yes a million times yes. I was told I have a lot of ‘unnecessary’ gestures and facial expressions. I also ‘threw tantrums’ over the littlest things (such as when someone took my fries or are my designated snacks). It’s precisely why I never suspected I might be autistic.
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u/buddads 1d ago
Thank you EVERYONE! I'm very new to this (my first anything on Reddit) so bear with me 😁 For a little over a year I've been wondering if I'm autistic and am working on getting a diagnosis. I came across this feed in my rabbit-holing and, what can I say, I'm crying while typing this out. Super hard to read the keyboard! I cried at school, I cried at home. I was guaranteed at least three solid, explosive cries a week. Until about my 20's. Then it was crying only when I couldn't understand why my whichever boyfriend was leaving me. Now I cry during every episode of The Wheel of Time or Steven Universe Future, or what I'm now understanding to be meltdowns (and right now 🤣) I don't feel so alone anymore
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u/manyleggies 1d ago
Did anyone else get their period young and from then on any emotion you ever experienced was because you were "PMSing" because....... lol
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u/Which-Leave 1d ago
Got mine when I was 10 and any time I was upset from then on it was “just hormones” 🙃
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u/Glittering-Art1684 1d ago
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It’s reassuring to know it’s not just in our heads.
Same here. I internalised, grew up appearing cold, never crying, always in control, independent. I had occasional shutdowns, which I assumed were due to low blood sugar or anxiety-related nosebleeds. I was hyposensitive to noise. Then, in my 40s, after a lot of stress, I became hypersensitive to noise, lights, and more and received my autism diagnosis.
What I’ve realised is that I wasn’t being dramatic. It was more about others being uncomfortable with my presence, like I was meant to be grateful they were even talking to me. In my experience, many people feel uneasy around me because I don’t conform, I’m not loyal to the group, and I follow my own values. That can trigger projection and hostility.
But I’ve also met kind people who never made me feel like I didn’t belong. I suspect they might be neurodivergent too.
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u/Ok_Badger7932 1d ago
Yes, I learned to exagerate my emotions because my pain and distress was always ignored due to my flat affect and because my parents were genuinely neglectful. I found that I had to keep exaggerating more and more, because once my parents had reacted once they were unlikely to react again. It just ended up with me becoming 'over dramatic', when I was just trying to get basic needs met as my parents were happy to ignore me frankly. As for teachers, I think me being different or strange did not exactly encourage empathy. Ofcourse I had meltdowns, which were seen as rage tantrums, so I got sent to anger management which did nothing.
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u/Nyx_light 1d ago
YES. Over dramatic and too sensitive.
Also... incredibly strong sense of justice that meant I also had issues with default authority.
In elementary school I had 2 teachers I had problems with. One because I stood up to her when she bullied a vulnerable friend.
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u/chaiitea3 1d ago
I feel so seen in this moment. I was labeled a cry baby and “acting like a baby” for truly the first decade of my life. And I always felt so confused because I couldn’t figure out what everyone meant by that. They would say it was my tone or my voice. And honestly I learned to just stay quiet as much as possible because anytime I opened my voice I was immediately judged.
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u/thefroggitamerica 1d ago
Absolutely. It's why my parents tried to get me diagnosed in the first place and why when I grew up doctors tried to tell me I was borderline instead
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u/Majestic-Peace-3037 1d ago
I'm literally 32 and cannot for the life of me go one day without my girlfriend pointing it out.
Every.
Single.
Fucking.
Day.
...and every damn day I have to politely remind her to stop bringing it up and shoving it in my face anytime I get overexcited about anything. It makes me not want to have kids. It's alienating. It makes me overthink and stress and go into "blank face mode" because instead of enjoying the damn moment I'm wrapped about 65 layers deep in a thought loop of "oh God oh fuck how do I react, am I smiling too hard, am I bouncing my feet again, what are my hands doing, ahhhhhhhh!!!" I 100% do NOT WANT the flashback of feeling like I'm 2cm tall while my parents loudly call my reactions to things overdramatic and then mock me when I get so embarrassed I start crying. I don't want to be standing there as a fully grown 40 something feeling like a loser as my future child points at me and chimes in with the bullying, because kids imitate what their parents do. It feels infantilizing on a whole extra level when you're an adult having an adult day shit like this to you.
....needless to say we need to work on some stuff.
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u/Bajadasaurus 1d ago
I never made sense to myself-- life didn't make any sense-- until finding this sub.
I cannot thank you all enough for taking the time to share. Wish I could say more right now, but it's too overwhelming.
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u/brezhnervouz 1d ago
No, because I was very inwards repressing...all my meltdowns are generally internal
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u/Strange_Morning2547 1d ago
I understand reacted. Once I realized that reacting upset my care givers. I tried not to show emotion.
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u/Famous-Yoghurt9409 1d ago
I think my sibling had this experience. I've always been more of a shutdown and retreat kind of girly. They definitely had a hard time from other people because of it, especially my dad, whereas I was spared that because I didn't 'inconvenience' other people.
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u/mighty_kaytor 1d ago
My folks were charitable- I had an Artistic Temperment! Ooh la la! Fancy!
But maybe I would have been a Drama Queen if I hadnt started drawing and making spaghetti art out of dinner in my high chair the second motor skill development allowed!
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u/just-me-yaay suspected autistic 1d ago
Yes, by literally everyone around me. Sometimes when I forget to hide that part of me and it ends up slipping for everyone else to see I still get called the same things lmao.
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u/allthatsknown97 1d ago
Yes! My grandfather called me 'Sarah Bernhardt', as in the very theatrically dramatic actress. I also wasn't diagnosed until my 20s, and had heard it so often that I really thought I was just a dramatic, loud-mouthed, attention seeker. My immediate family never failed to mention how 'much' I was. When I moved away on my own, I constantly apologized (a habit I'm still trying to break) for being 'a lot' and 'dramatic' and too loud. I finally had a friend tell me that while I do get louder when excited and over-exaggerate occasionally, I have never made them feel as if I was just dramatic or looking for attention. I really appreciated the honesty and unfortunately think that for a lot of neurotypical people, passion just isn't shown in an authentic way. I've been more conscious of my behaviors when I get excited about something and also more observant of close friends and family when they are telling me something they are excited about. At least from my observations, my neurotypical friends tend to keep the same tone, and speed, of which they talk. It is usually a lot more subtle and usually presents itself as what I think you would consider a 'bright eyed look'. They usually keep their bodies calm, and relaxed as well.
For me, my excitement manifests itself very physically. I am an introverted person, but around those I'm comfortable with, or with a hyper-fixation, I get almost antsy. I want to stand, or if I can't, I bounce my leg or myself in my seat. My words start to speed and a lot of time my mouth can't keep up with my brain because I have so much I want to share. I think it comes across as anxiety. I get loud because I want to make sure that they're hearing all of this cool stuff.
Growing up, it was really disheartening to have someone you're excited to share with tell you that you're being too loud or weird or just need to calm down, usually because its 'not that big of a deal'. But now, with my closest friends, I really appreciate the feedback because often they really are just trying to protect themselves from overstimulation while also being excited by my passion for the topic they likely don't really care about, lol. I definitely am lucky with that though.
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1d ago
Over dramatic I still get it I’m 21 now still living with my parents and I feel like a child in a women’s body it’s so hard to explain but anything I do I feel like a child
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u/asalakoi AuDHD 1d ago
Something similar but not quite.
I was told by shitty sitters and hateful teachers that I have an attitude problem--thankfully my parents didn't side with them. In reality, I was quite reserved and didn't take shit--and of course--harmful adults hate this and try to spin it around on the child.
As far as my parents--that I needed to stop throwing tantrums. They were actually meltdowns. They were more specifically about routine related things, food, overstimulation, being pushed beyong exhaustion, fair/not fair, etc. Now it's known.
But as a child, I began to learn how to swallow my feelings. I'm 26 and I didn't start to actually self regulate well until I was about 23 ,_,
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u/wurmhats 1d ago
I still get a tiny bit pissed off thinking about the pediatrician saying "wow, that was an Oscar worthy performance!" when I was like 6 and gagging/crying from the strep test touching the back of my throat. What the hell, man? Anyway, now my face doesn't move, which people also don't seem to love.
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u/lunar__boo 1d ago
Yes Yes Yes Yes YES
No matter what. I was always the one who was steering drama. Somehow everyone else was doing everything right and I was just overly dramatic...
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u/SpietskeS 1d ago
I was called too sensitive and was compared to the princess from the princess and the pea story all the time.
I am afraid to say I described my youngest daughter as a drama queen when she was younger. About three years ago, we as a family only learned about of our neurodivergencies (eldest daughter got diagnosed with adhd and my husband with autism, youngest daughter is on a long waiting list to be tested). We are learning every day and making mistakes along the way, but happy that we are breaking our families' cycle of trying to act 'normal'.
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u/beth_at_home 1d ago
I was just being melodramatic, about everything. Thing is, I don't talk much, and never did.
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u/shallottmirror 1d ago
Thank you for this post - just told my therapist that, as a kid, I hoped people would use my strengths (schoolwork, playing the piano) to “accept” my weaknesses (not able to be happy).
Holy %#*{!! I really internalize (past and present) my severe depression as a personality defect.
Decades of living with this shame and being unhelped by an obscene amount of therapy, has taken such a toll, and left me totally isolated, and TIRED.
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u/Samdasamurai 22h ago
That overdramatic label caused me to consciously downplay REALLY effed up stuff people did to me in my teens and adulthood bc I would disregard my reaction as being unreasonable. It came to the point that I would defer to anyone's but myself's opinion on the situation but to judge if I "should" be upset or if I was being sensitive. Lots of self-victim blaming. HEALTHY! 😃/sarcasm
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u/EyesOfAStranger28 aging AuDHD 👵 1d ago
Yes, absolutely. The strange thing is that really, I have always wanted to be left alone, and was very prone to fleeing at some point during a meltdown because I hated other people looking at me when I was like that- but somehow even that was still "attention-seeking behaviour"!
It took many, many years to undo the internalised self-dismissal and self-hatred.