r/AutismInWomen • u/0Hermione_Granger0 • 1d ago
General Discussion/Question Figuring Out that I may be Autistic, and Recently Found a Funny Journal Entry from when I was a Kid
Self explanatory title, but for quick context: our school would have us answer weekly prompts in a journal that our teacher would read. I'm not sure what the point was either. That weeks prompt was somewhere along the lines of "Would you like a longer recess? Why or Why not?"
And me, the heavily bullied kid decided to write the following 😭(spelling and grammar mistakes intact):
"Longer break is not fair! We didn't come to school to play, we come to scool to learn and read. In break we just keep on running, what's the point? besides if you don't have friends who are you going to play with? [...] I like to read a book instead. Indoor reces being longer is even worse. Because imagen yourself alone in a chair? of course you would feel super duper bad! Because if it would be an hour, Bye! pack my bag and go kick myself out of here! So never ever in the whole entire world make break longer!"
You know what the teacher wrote back after she read it? "Oh wow! first person to say you don't want a longer break!"
Never got flagged to be looked at by the school counselor either LOL
Edit: ohmygosh everyone is the sweetest!! Thank you to everyone who left kind words. It's so heart-warming to see others relate to and support my feelings, shared experiences like this make me want to hug everyone :) TY AGAIN!!
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u/Lala0dte 1d ago
Omg lol ☹️ makes me sad. Plus longer break just extends the day, like long lunches.
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u/0Hermione_Granger0 1d ago
Exactly! Younger me just wanted to get in and out of school asap lol
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u/herroyalsadness 1d ago
To this day! My career is based on productivity, so I don’t have to sit around waiting for the work day to be over, it’s over when I’m finished. I spent years working jobs with not enough to do all day and hated that I couldn’t show up, get it done, and go. It was all made worse by how fast I get when I’ve learned how to do it.
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u/Best-Interaction82 13h ago
what do you do? it feels like clock out when you're done jobs are quite rare now.
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u/GlitterBitch RAADS-R 189 1d ago
hard same.... my favorite school memories of a teacher - maybe 2nd or 3rd grade? - where she would give us a list of things to do then when we finished, we could do what we want provided it was quiet. (i was a kid so idk the frequency of days like this or if it was a portion of the day or the whole thing.) but in true baby autist fashion, i'd get all my work done immediately and then played computer games or read. if school was like that, or even better: if i could finish the list then leave , then i would have enjoyed it more. baby you was right, what's the point when you don't have friends and even the teachers don't like you lol
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u/banananana89 1d ago
Bahaha that is so relatable. As a kid I also absolutely HATED breaks. All I would do was sit on a bench and wait for it to end. We also had this system back in 3rd grade where we needed a partner if we wanted to get back inside as a way to keep everyone from running around. Those who had no partner were forcefully stopped by some older guys at the doorway and held down until everyone else got inside. I was late so many times because of this and got in so much trouble just because I didn't have any friends. I was terrified of those guys and begged my parents not to go to school just because of them.
It's been years since then and I seriously hope the school got rid of that rule. What a disgusting way to punish those who preferred to be alone.
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u/Daliyasincsxgds Anime & story obsessed lady (Level 2 to my last info.) 1d ago
Those who had no partner were forcefully stopped by some older guys at the doorway and held down until everyone else got inside.
Wait hollup... "held down" like what?? As in, pushed on the ground and forcibly held there against their will?
That approach is basically already worse enough when it comes down to keeping "violent" kids in check (although tbf, sometimes it's the only thing one could do in such a situation), but already this kind of violent measure for kids just wanting to get back inside during recess????
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u/banananana89 1d ago
Yup. Just straight out yanked from the group and held down to the ground with no words. What makes it even worse is that it was a school for 1st-4th graders so they were pretty much just punishing clueless kids for basically no reason. It didn't even matter if you got inside peacefully. If you had no partner, you were doomed.
I often wonder if other kids were as terrified as I was and what kind of mental health consequences were left on those who had to go through that. It was scary.
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u/Daliyasincsxgds Anime & story obsessed lady (Level 2 to my last info.) 1d ago
Omigosh, that's really bad, like really-reaallyyy bad...
The only thing that'd be worse than this if they called themselves some kind of "special school" too--but maybe that's even the case?I'm so sorry you had to go through that... I don't even know what to say...
Imho, they shouldn't just "get rid of the rule" and pretend nothing bad ever happened like this.
Instead, like have the entire institution forcibly shut down and open a few criminal investigations about child abuse, seriously.7
u/0Hermione_Granger0 1d ago
omg my school had something similar! I've heard that they changed it now by making break technically end 10 minutes early and having everyone line up with their classes to be taken back inside with teachers. So I guess I got what I was hoping for, just a little too late :p
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u/spacebeige 1d ago
Any activity that requires finding a partner or a group should be banned, as far as I’m concerned
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u/Uberbons42 1d ago
That’s horrible! Did they not notice your pattern? And who are these older guys??
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u/SJSsarah 1d ago
Hahaha!!! This made me laugh. I had a similar response to this writing exercise in school too. My answer, in short summary, was me saying “why, so we can run around in even more circles and dodge even more balls? No thank you, I want to read and paint colors instead.”
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u/EyesOfAStranger28 aging AuDHD 👵 1d ago
I relate to this so hard, I was always in trouble because at recess I wanted to sit and read, and when they took my book away, I wanted to play quietly in the dirt by myself, which they also hated.
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u/0Hermione_Granger0 1d ago
At some point my mum had to get involved and told teachers to make sure I wasn't doing a solitary activity and at least trying to interact with the other kids, so I relate to you relating HAHA
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u/barbiesleftearring the worst kind of autistic 1d ago
Why would they take your book away?? (I was homeschooled and all I did was read of my own volition and my mom loved it, so this is foreign to me)
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u/EyesOfAStranger28 aging AuDHD 👵 1d ago
They wanted me to run around and play with the other kids during recess.
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u/antitheticalbarbie 1d ago
This sounds familiar. I’m currently in the process of being assessed for autism and I just recently got my old report cards from my old school and my first grade teacher had written: “she has some friends but she won’t let herself relax and play during school, only in the afterschool program - during school hours she is determined to just be a good student.” I was a very serious 7-year-old…
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u/This_Gear_465 1d ago
The point was that this was practical writing engagement for learning literacy
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u/0Hermione_Granger0 1d ago
lowkey it was either that or a way to make sure kids weren't being bullied (which clearly didn't work because they never did anything about it even though it was very obvious for some kids imo) because some of the prompts looking back were oddly specific in that kind of way.
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u/Uberbons42 1d ago
Haha omg this is like my kiddo at school. He’s like “the kids are too loud!” And he showed me his special patch of soft grass on the school lawn where he sits and looks at the trees and birds. Now he has a pass to go to quiet areas at recess so he does that.
I liked recess as a kid because I was hyper but middle and high school was rough. College was amazing because finally it wasn’t weird to just sit alone wherever and read.
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u/CookingPurple 1d ago
I remember spending recess in elementary school walking laps around the field alone because just sitting was boring but no one else wanted to do anything with me. So I just walked. Alone. Sometimes I did flips on the monkey bars. Alone. But always alone.
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u/judyhops95 1d ago
So the weekly journal entries are great, generally, for increased engagement because they usually involve students sharing their personal thoughts and opinions on topics, and they are helpful for tracking student progress. You can see a student's improvement from their first entry to their last. In addition it is an easy grade for the kids and the teacher.
I studied to be an English teacher and journals are a very common tool. I graduated in December, but decided I didn't want to teach in the last semester. At least not right now.
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u/0Hermione_Granger0 1d ago
Omg that's great! Honestly if my school had been more serious about it, they would probably have an easier time tracking the progress of kids. But any red flags in their progress fell into the hands of each individual English teacher, and unfortunately mine just turned a blind eye to everything. But I know good teachers exist! Goodluck with your journey :)
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u/Affectionate_Arm3371 1d ago
Same 😭 i hated breaks. I guess i just hated the kids around me. I used to "sneak" to the library or just read newspaper at my desk while having lunch.
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u/GreenAlien5 1d ago
That's so relatable!! I hated long breaks and lessons held by the 'fun' teachers.
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u/0Hermione_Granger0 1d ago
Omg emphasis on that last one. I did NOT want to participate in any of those 'fun group activities' those types of teachers would try and make us do, and preferred to sit and read on my own.
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u/Uh_Just1MoreThing 1d ago
Yes, give us a longer break, move it to the end of the school day, and let us go home for it and not have to come back!
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u/roseh1223 23h ago
This, but also being extemely frustrated by “field days” at the end of the year. Like, I just wanna go home, why would I want to run around and be sweaty with people that hate me???
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u/Fun_Succotash8531 22h ago
Oh gosh. I’d need to find mine. I think the crippling social anxiety and isolation made recess feel like torture tbh.
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u/ViolettePlanet 19h ago
I’m I college and I still feel this way lol. Also the teacher could be a bit more empathetic.
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u/0Hermione_Granger0 19h ago
Twins 🫂 +speaking of that teacher, bro she overlooked so many things and is honestly one of those teachers that for some reason hates children. I remember her coming to assist me and others in a group project and asking for a ruler to straighten something out, and me being on high alert and stressed already, handed her my ruler (it was one of those bendy ones that could fold in half). She straight up went "someone get me a PROPER ruler, not something like this." AND THREW IT ACROSS THE DESK and made me pick it up from the floor. So yeah. She could be 😭 MAN THIS FRUSTRATES ME SORRY
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u/ViolettePlanet 19h ago
Wtf people like this shouldn’t be teachers :/
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u/spacebeige 1d ago
I hated recess so much! If it was cold/wet we had to stay on the blacktop, and there was nothing to do but play kickball which I was absolutely not interested in. There was nowhere to sit, so I’d lean against the wall and wait for it to be over.
Team Fuck Recess
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u/LadyAnnibal 1d ago
I also hated breaks at school 🤔
During recess I would just sit on the edge of the sandbox and wait to go inside. I cried during Spring, Winter, and Summer breaks because I wanted to be at school. My journal usually said something along the lines of loving school and loving to read and not liking Math and Recess.
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u/kaka1012 Add flair here via edit 1d ago
Cant relate. Breaks are for homework and studying. (I’m Asian😂）
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u/Bilateral-drowning 20h ago
I hated breaks as well but I loved study time because I could hide. During breaks I often didn't have anyone to hang out with and so there was an area in the school all us unpopular kids went that the other kids called spaz ave. Sometimes I snuck out of the school just to not have to be stuck there on my own.
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u/witchy_frog_ 18h ago
I recently went through all of my old schoolwork and found some very questionable stuff😂 a school journal entry from when I was in grade 1 that reads “I learned: not to punch” (I fear they probably wanted something a little more positive)
Another one from that same year that reads “I learned that leopard seals eat penguins” to which I drew a leopard seal eating a penguin,
And another that shows two girls with the word “kiss” underneath which we found quite funny because I am gay now.
All of my old report cards had some comments regarding behavior, being behind, not participating, self regulation, my parents have always told me they should have known sooner and always knew but “hoped I’d outgrow it” 😅 they’ve since come around
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u/Number42420 18h ago edited 18h ago
I loved recess starting out but by 3rd grade I was already hating it so much for having to spend time out to catch up on tests or homework. Also navigating social relationships still sucks but it was hard especially on the playground
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u/Maleficent_Count6205 16h ago
Ahh makes me think back to my time in elementary school. We had a tire bridge in the playground and I would climb inside the tires and stay there all break 😂 or if I wasn’t feeling up for that I would stop at the office and pick up the trash picking up equipment. Then I’d wander the school grounds and pick up trash the whole break. 😅
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u/Cool-Fish1 15h ago
This brings back memories of just taking my book out to the playground and not talking. I sure was trouble.
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u/Old-Share5434 6h ago
What a sweet, passionate writer you were! Didn’t the teacher feel at all concerned and question why you hated breaks so much?
I hated breaks too. I had horrible sensitivities around eating at school that, as a recently diagnosed older woman, I can now see was the start of an eating disorder. I would try to spend as much time at the library during breaks as possible. Or somewhere to sit where I didn’t stand out, forever feeling as though I didn’t belong.
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u/0Hermione_Granger0 2h ago
Thank you!! For what it's worth, I hope I become a published writer someday lol, so YAY CARRYING OVER SOMETHING FROM MY CHILDHOOD THAT'S POSITIVE!! :p The teacher def noticed (if not from this, then def from so many other situations), but just did not care enough to say something. Wonder what happened to her, she was not the kindest soul.
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u/RoanAlbatross 4h ago
I did something similar. I’m still friends with my bf from high school after 20+ years. It’s still up on Livejournal from 2004, but there’s an entry about how he was always surprised about my ease of picking up talents and sticking with it until I perfected it.
Looking back, that’s called hyperfixation 😂😂😂
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u/Bunny_Bluefur 3h ago
This really tugs at the heartstrings to read 💔 Especially as your teacher didn't take this as the obvious sign you could've used some support!! FWIW, if I'd have been in your year at the time, I'd have been your friend ❤️
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u/Kasaboop 13h ago
Omf I HATED recess! Never saw the point of standing outside with nothing to do (everyone hated me as a kid and I had a very small class, we also didn't have a playground) I would literally sit at the line up spot until it was time to go in!
However I loved rainy days bc inside days meant I got to quietly be alone and do homework or play with like dominoes or something fully alone and peacefully. (Until the other kids played something dumb like truth or dare and the dares were always at my expense 🫠)
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u/Kaitlynnbeaver ear defenders glued to my damn head 1d ago
That’s so funny. 😆 Also, relatable. How dare they mess up the routine??
Looking back is interesting. I used to stay home from “fun family road trips” because I was way happier alone at home for days eating only kraft mac’n’cheese and listening to music. Makes sense now lol.