r/AutismInWomen • u/isla_g • 1d ago
Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) People “realizing”
I have seen here often how abit after talking to a new person they will realize and give you “the look”. This has happened so much to me, first we’re talking normally, they treat me OK but next moment they no longer want to hang out, and are avoiding me. Could you guys share anything similar that happened to you? I feel very isolated right now
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u/Its_Only_Me_Hello 1d ago
It's happened to me a lot, especially as I've come out of my shell and felt safe unmasking more in public.
If I ever get "the look" it's simply an indicator that this person is not one I will feel safe around and therefore should not use any more social effort on.
I hope you'll be able to find people who accept you for who you are. It's hard out there, but we all have a place in this world right? :)
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u/BigBoot7294 1d ago
I couldn't agree any more. I used to be sad at the fact that I had no friends in my community, and then I realised that they were not "my people." I'd never be comfortable with them or even enjoy what they do.
I'm tired of masking, and I'm actively hunting for people like me.
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u/cynical-at-best 17h ago
I never thought of looking at it this way… yes the Look™️ may mean you can sense that im autistic, but you’re also showing me that you are not someone i want to be around🫡
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u/BrainBurnFallouti 1d ago
I'm bad with looks, but I do notice that ONE look, because it introduces it with the exact. same. tone!
Essentially, it's when people infantilize me. Specifically: When they think I'm slow. It's this voice of soft pity -same goes for the look. After that, it's a pretty fast spiral: First, they'll automatically refuse any form of closer connection. Even if it's just hanging out. Then they'll start explaining overly simple concepts to you. And lastly, they will try to "lecture" you like a child, or have an intense shock in case you curse, say something sexually suggestive...anything. And it all. Every single time. Goes back to that stupid pitiful face and tone of voice.
The shittiest thing? They don't even realize it. They think they're being nice. And you know how they thought/think I'm slow? Because...get this...I openly show my emotions & excitement "too much". Apparently I'm already giving off uncanny valley vibes, but once I show too much empathy, or happiness over something, it's considered naive & childlike and everyone believes I'm mentally 3yo. Double that speed if they learn I'm Autistic.
seriously. If someone hates me that's one thing. I got used to that. But FUCK does infantilization hurt & piss me off!
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u/PotentialMuch2450 20h ago
This is my in laws. They talk to me like I'm stupid because they cannot have enough empathy to explain a board game to someone who has never heard the rules. They openly try to blame their issue on my autism then talk to me like a child. I was a Chemistry major and half of them haven't graduated high school!
I'm always respectful when I have to explain basic life stuff to them in order to tell a story properly AND I know they are not as smart as me. The difference is I don't think that their disability makes them more or less valuable as humans. They clearly think of me as less than. 🙃
I am a frustration to them because clarifying questions are a mirror of their cognitive ability and that breaks my heart to understand in an instant with their snide behavior.
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u/Green__Meanie 19h ago
The infantilization shit actually infuriates me. We’re not stupid. The second someone starts talking to me like a child I’m OUT
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u/Spiritual-Road2784 18h ago
Right? I’m not slow—quite the opposite. Between autism and ADHD, my brain works so fast it often trips over itself in the process of piecing together all of the thoughts into one coherent concept.
It’s much easier for me to do this in writing than it is when speaking, mostly because nobody will interrupt me if I pause while I am writing to search for the best way to succinctly deliver a concept in a way that will be understandable to someone who does not have this same type of processing… um… well, I wouldn’t say “deficiency”, rather, a processing difference.
(And I had to pause there for a good 60 seconds between the words “processing” and “un… well” so I could figure out what I was trying to say. If I had done that while speaking with a human, they would have already interrupted me and gone on to some other topic, and I never would’ve gotten it out.)
I’m certainly not slow, I have an IQ of 145. My vocabulary was already quite well established before I began working as a secretary in an academic department of English, and it has grown as I learn more words from people who are extremely literate. (The professors very much appreciate this quality, and they understand me a lot better than my fellow secretaries seem to, and it’s probably because a good chunk of our faculty is also neurodivergent.)
But to the original point: I am not slow, my IQ is high, I am very verbose, I have an excellent command of the English language, and I thoroughly despise anyone who dares to infantilize me or try to treat me as if I’m “just not quite with it” like they are. Which in some cases is laughable. We have one that thinks if they run around like a chicken without a head frantically trying to rush, rush, rush to do everything, it makes them look like a more productive employee and more valuable to the office. And yet, I, in comparison, “plod along” but probably get more actual tasks done and do them well.
Anyway, I’m off topic and I can rant on this forever but yes, I hate it when people think I’m slow. Autism is not the R word. It has nothing to do with my capacity TO think, it has to do with the way my neural network is wired and how complex of a network it is to try to navigate while trying to also understand the carefully nuanced, very oblique, extremely roundabout proclamations they make. If you want me to do something, just say “please will you do this thing” and if you have any specifics that need to be focused upon, please bullet point what those are.
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u/Desdemona82 1d ago
I have very closed circle of friend. People who necame a family to me even more than my own family. To be fair I have never searched for friendships, they were happening. I met people who I didn't like to be around. I listen a lot. I let people speak. I check their values, opinions, i try to sense the vibe. I personally open very slowly and it is something I learned by experience. I am very self critical and noticed that I overshare and people are not interested in anything except themselves. So I let them do it. If they are just me me me, i let them go. Mostly I was finding friends online, they shared the same interests. Then we were speaking online and that is how I gained two dear friends of mine. Another, I called her mybtwisted sister, was a person I met where I worked. She was very open and honest and made me constantly laugh, something I needed at that time. She accepted me the way I am and actually she kinda admired my superpowers. Something other people don't like. I met my partner at work, he didn't do food for homself and I gave him one of my sandwiches. I didn't have a clue he was interested when we met outside of work, I thought he is kind to practice english with me 😄 Don't run after people, love yourself and the rest will come.
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u/isla_g 1d ago
“Don’t run after people, love yourself and the rest will come.” made me cry 🥲 It’s hard when everybody around has friends and spending time, having fun with them. While I feel like a black sheep every time I talk to a group of people.
Also, this gives me cognitive dissonance, because people also say you have to “put yourself out there” and go out of your comfort zone to find what’s for you.
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u/Desdemona82 1d ago
You know what? It is complicated. And I think that is THE thing autistic people struggle the most. But also I admit my friends are not, let's say, native english speakers. I am a foreigner in the UK. I had the opportunity to study in UK and be the only foreign person with a hearable accent from Eastern Europe in the group. I could have significant discussion with other students one day and the second day they did not even react for my 'hi' or smile (I did not intend to stop and talk, just I wanted to say hello and pass). It was a sign for me that it was not worth my energy with that person, I already was losing it significantly for being in a crowdy, noisy place, wasn't I? No 'hello'? That's fine. I will ignore you the next time as well. I am not bovered 😉 You are losing the chance to be around a great person! What I am trying to say is that Britons I met in England tend to be like this. I don't know if for other natives they are like that or just for foreigners. Maybe the cultre? Or maybe I was just not lucky to meet more polite people? But one thing you need to remember is not to lose yourself, love yourself, and respect yourself. Don't be stuck with thought when somedoby rejects you. Move forward. You are worthy.
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u/valencia_merble 1d ago
I love the idea of Wrong Planet Syndrome. It’s super validating and negates the value judgments of ignorant people. Is Mr. Spock “bad” or “strange”? No, he’s just hanging out with earthlings. Look for people from your home planet, who speak your language and understand your mannerisms for friendship. Even if you don’t see them right now, remember this subreddit, this post, these responses. We are out there.
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u/BookishHobbit 1d ago
Yeah, still happens. It sucks at the time but I try to think of it as an early warning system that that person is not someone I want to associate with because they’re clearly going to judge me for no reason.
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u/Obvious-Bee-7577 1d ago
Especially without questioning their own biases and asking us why we did/said something that made them uncomfortable!
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u/Master-Resident7775 1d ago
Yep, even worse when 2 people look at you then give each other the look 🙄
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u/mighty_kaytor 1d ago edited 1d ago
Never noticed this, but it probably happens and I just totally miss it
Oh well lol
Ive long understood that I am the human version of a peanut butter and pickle sandwich (wayy too bizarre for most but loved by a select few weirdos) and am fine with people not liking me. The paradox of it all is that doing so has somehow made me much more likeable? Humans are so funny 😄
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u/squishfellow 1d ago
Yes, it happens to me. I don't exactly know what I've done, but there's a point where I see it in their eyes that something changed.
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u/Over-Onion996 Self-Diagnosed 1d ago
Not so much a look in the moment, but with online dating I've had a lot of people suddenly turn me down or state "I'm actually just looking for friends" after we've met in person. 😢
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u/Realistic_Ad1058 1d ago
I'm doing my best. I'm a nice person, I respect others and I try to take other people's needs and perspectives into account in my daily decisions as well as the big ones. I follow the social rules, as far as I've understood them, as best I can. Sometimes that's pretty tiring and I'll need some time on my own to recharge. When I meet people, and they can tell that I'm not neurotypical, or whatever their NT radar has picked up, they can choose how they react to that. I don't have unlimited energy for masking up for NTs, like I said I do my best, but if they don't want to be around me when I'm already running myself ragged to fit their mould, then it would take unlimited energy to make them feel comfortable. And I don't want people to feel uncomfortable around me. So they probably made the right decision.
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u/MeetDeathTonight 1d ago
Yeah. It's awful. I had a friend from work I'd hang out with occasionally. I decided to open up to her that I have autism. She has since stopped hanging out with me.
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u/General_Town_4690 1d ago
That ableist POS…
That had to hurt, but hopefully now you know you’re better off not hanging out with people like that who clearly do not deserve the privilege.
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u/GirlbitesShark 23h ago
Oh man “the look” I hate that shit. I’m not a sunshine and rainbows type person so as soon as I get the look I actually get super fucking mad. Like how dare they judge me? I’m always perfectly polite and nice. So after the look I keep a close eye on them and treat them a little colder. I’ve also noticed that if I’m not dolled up when I’m with my husband (who is very attractive and very socially adept) I’ll get a lot of sneers and weird looks. Like I don’t deserve him or? I dunno. Maybe I just look way more grumpy next to his sunny demeanor 😅
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u/ravenbiite 1d ago
Could describe which looks because there's so many?
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u/lookatmeimthemodnow 1d ago
In my experience its sometimes like this. I feel like I can sense the gears turning in their head forming their opinion "this girl's weird." They don't have to look away like that though. Sometimes they just stare directly at me 😅
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u/ravenbiite 1d ago edited 1d ago
Thank you for explaining! I normally get fake smile and the whisper....that I can't hear being put into someone else's ear while they laugh.
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u/Strange_Morning2547 1d ago
Yeah, most people get there after talking for five minutes. It's like they're breaking the fourth wall with their own audience. These people are not always awful, but I avoid them to the best of my ability because it exposes an almost psychopathic empathy. After all, they quickly see others and use it to their advantage and also to be awful. My lack of empathy is because I was born not seeing things on people's faces, so I have devoted my life to understanding and accommodating others. I miss stuff, but I don't try to mess with people.
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u/Hoogin2020 1d ago
Yes! It is like a curtain of condemnation. It falls down in an instant, and then... All is lost.
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u/Affectionate-Spot889 1d ago
I shook hands and introduced myself to a guy who approached me at church and he gave me a weird look and we never spoke again. To this day it bothers me because on paper I did the "introduce yourself" script correctly and I have no idea what vibes I was giving off caused him to be repelled by me when he was the one to approach me first in a friendly manner.
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u/Hour-Confidence1131 23h ago
I've actually been the one to say Tootles and move along. One person I met at church somehow got talking about California and how stupid she thought all the residents were. Next she bragged about giving her daughter inlaw a black eye. Haven't talked to her since and she's quite well liked. Another person I was getting to know said Democrats couldn't be Christians. I said tootles to her as well. I let her I was a Democrat. BTW, same group of women were shaming my homestate having no idea I used to live there. Using mean quips on how it should fall in the ocean. I said bye to them as well.
As for giving the look...I give it right back. It's fun to make someone else uncomfortable when they've been rude.
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u/littlesisterofthesun 17h ago
Okay but opposite the look is the ick.
I have multiple times been hanging out with a prospective safe person and they have said or done something so offsides that how I view their face changes.
As in; if I were to give a description to a police artist they would give two entirely different results.
So I say, good. You realize, I realize, whomever. Let's just honest true people hang out and let the "I abide by arbitrary social constructs for no other reason than fill in blank" people self seperate
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u/sparkly____sloth 1d ago
I have seen here often how abit after talking to a new person they will realize and give you “the look”.
What look?
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u/quirkygirl123 1d ago
I’ve had this happen to me as well. I’m older now, have three good friends-two live far away but we talk on the phone. Basically, I’m focused on my own preservation now and spend a lot of time alone with my animals, which brings me peace. And I’m slowly dropping the mask, which I never knew I had. I’m pretty open about being on the spectrum, which means I get gaslit a bit. But I absolutely adore other people on the spectrum and am trying to be myself and attract my people. Wishing you the best. You’re not alone.
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u/Ok-Shape2158 22h ago
I make friends by routine and similar likes.
I don't have to see someone often just know that I'm going to regularly and what we're going to probably do and for how long.
So many people interact on here about similar hyper-fixations. You can find this IRL as well and it a perfectly acceptable reason to be friends.
Stuffed animals, trolling stirs and talking about forks and spoons, video games, sketching, plants, anything and everything....
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u/Longjumping_Tap_5705 Nurse who happens to be a crazy cat lady. 12h ago
I feel like I could've written this post. People distance themselves from me because I am off putting and something I said and/or did turned them off.
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u/BestFriendship0 11h ago
I want to know what they are seeing when they are with me. What is so awful or wrong about me that they get that look or that tone.
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u/BestFriendship0 11h ago
It is so weird that there are millions of us all around the world who feel so isolated, but we are blessed to have a spot here to share our feelings, sorrows and joys. Thanks reddit.
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u/faequeen123 7h ago
One time at a party I said “ok lads, who wants to venture to yonder table and procure sustenance?” And the nt girl I’d been talking to looked at me with nothing short of disgust like she couldn’t tell I was joking. She was trying super hard to stay away from me after that even though we were at the same table. She was perfectly fine with my other nt friend who I’d venture to say is even weirder than I am though. Like, my friend’s one of those girls who aside from school, only talks about sex and true crime, and I’m constantly having to remind her not to make me and other people uncomfortable. It’s really hard to get her to be appropriate, yet she hit it off with this normie for some reason while I couldn’t even get her to smile. I guess you can have literally any personality as long as you know the allistic language.
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u/jennifeather88 20h ago
Every time I have to spend time around neurotypicals I end up feeling like such an alien. But increasingly as I get older, I am SO HAPPY I see the world the way that I do. I don’t want to be like them.
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u/BestFriendship0 11h ago
This is how oblivious i was to the fact that i was nd: i thought they were giving me that look because i read tarot or i'm a hippy or i sear a lot. It is only now that i understand. Fuck me.
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u/Glittering-Art1684 3h ago
I lost a lot of time trying to explain myself to others, driven by low confidence and a need to be understood. I wanted them to see that I wasn’t coming from a bad place, just that I’m different and equally entitled to occupy space. Like other users, I’ve stopped engaging with those who don’t get it. I’ve met a few people with whom interaction feels effortless, like using a well designed piece of tech that works straight out of the box, no manual needed. I choose to engage only with those people now.
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u/disgraceful_hag 1d ago
Yes. It still happens well into adulthood. Learning more about autism and how it affects everything has helped me take it much less personally. Here is a link about thin slice judgments.