Query: When to say you are married?

[u/goozakkc]

Not gonna lie, I might be asking the wrong group for this ;) But maybe it good to also just share with my peeps.

I, as a foot in the grave almost 40 year old, went to a bar known for women dancing...on the bar. My mid 30s friend and I went just for fun, and at the ungodly hour of 10pm. I would have felt young and free if my body didn't remind me that WE DON'T DO THIS ANYMORE.

Anyhow. I am cis and hetero, and married. But my husband and I, he is also likely on the spectrum, do not wear rings. I sometimes where one on my thumb, but can't stand the feeling of a ring on my ring finger. I got a plastic one and chewed right through it. Yay pika.

So, at this bar, a guy comes over and starts chatting with me about my awesome glasses. We get onto star wars, and then dune. I realize somewhere in there he is probably hitting on me, and sees me as the Manic Pixie Dreamgirl (which I despise). And he probably thinks I am single. I didn't want to be aggressive, as it was a fine convo, and he didn't actually ask me out. But I also felt bad that he probably thought I was single, and he was soley focused on me. Thus he was wasting his time, which I felt guilty about. I also didn't want to be super awkward and just blurt out I was married, or even bring it up like "yeah, my husband loves video games too" (even though we weren't talking about that stuff, and we were talking about MY special interests my husband does not share). It felt WAY too late in the convo to suddenly introduce the idea of a husband without it making it sounds like I was hiding it intentionally, OR even that I was implying this dude was hitting on me. WHAT IF HE WASN'T AND I WAS MISREADING IT? By the end, I am almost positive he was, but that was BY THE END.

So. Should I have brought it up? how? Did I owe it to him?

Edited to add: I got married like two years ago, and haven't been in this situation since then.

[u/EyesOfAStranger28]

You don't owe him anything at all. If he'd asked for your number, then you could have told him then, but it didn't go that far. It was just a conversation with some guy, and it doesn't matter.

(I don't mean that as dismissive. I also have social anxiety and would be thinking about it for possibly weeks, and it helps me to have someone remind me that it's nbd. 💜)

[u/goozakkc → u/EyesOfAStranger28]

THANK YOU. And yeah, its been several days and I am getting almost progressively more worried about it. Stupid brain.

[u/memyselfandthe]

Just wanna say my husband & I have been married 5 years (together for 13) and we don’t wear rings.

We’re both conventionally attractive and get hit on frequently (although my husband rarely picks up on it which I find amusing).

Personally, in my own act of healing, I dont say “I’m married”…. I kindly say, “I am not interested”.

Because, it reminds me of when I was younger (I’m 39) and the only way a man would respect my No was if I said “I have a boyfriend”. Do yall know what I’m talking about? Saying “I have a boyfriend” was so much more effective than saying “I’m not interested”. Men respect other men, even a total stranger, more than they respected me. Honestly, it felt safer to say ‘I have a boyfriend’ than to flat out say no.

So, now, in an act of empowerment for myself, if the friendly conversation becomes outright flirtation or asking me out, I simply, graciously, say “I am not interested”. I’m not mean about it, but I am direct.

And it feels so much better than saying “I’m married”. Does this resonate with anyone else? I’m finally not afraid to just say NO and leave it at that, and it’s huge for me.

Edit: and if the conversation never becomes being asked out, then I got to have a lovely fun conversation with a stranger about something interesting. We both spread a little joy, and I think that’s cool.

[u/danasaur11 → u/memyselfandthe]

I love love love love love this. Thank you for sharing that!

[u/goozakkc → u/memyselfandthe]

Thank you so much! You explain exactly part of the undercurrent I am struggling with. I should have to say I am married. I want to just be able to say I am not interested. Which I did say no to a dance and he took it well. But turn i just felt dishonest as hell, or disloyal to my husband, or like I was lying to the dude. Etc etc etc.

I want to start going out more and i realize this will probably come up again, so I started to spiral with my desire (to do exactly as a did) and what I feel i would be judged for by others (not managing his feeling early on, being worried about my husband not liking how I dealt with it).

[u/activelyresting → u/memyselfandthe]

I once told a guy hitting on me "I'm married" (I was even wearing a ring at the time) and he just winked and said "your husband isn't here". So then I said "I'm pregnant" (I was 5 months along and showing) and told creep goes "don't worry, it's good for the baby" 😳🤮

Some people it doesn't seem to matter what you say. So "I'm not interested" covers it and no further discussion is needed.

[u/ConCaffeinate → u/memyselfandthe]

Does this resonate with anyone else? I’m finally not afraid to just say NO and leave it at that, and it’s huge for me.

It absolutely does, and I'm so grateful that you shared this! You've given me something to work towards for myself. Thank you. 🤜🤛

[u/Kwakbakk → u/memyselfandthe]

This is actually great. i’ve been struggling to find a good solution for this problem as I don’t like using “I have a boyfriend” because that would imply i assumed they’re romantically interested in me even if they haven’t explicitly made a move. which makes a super awkward situation if they actually were just trying to have a nice conversation or trying to make friends :) so thank you <3

[u/BitterPeace_]

IMO You dont owe anyone information about yourself. You had a nice conversation and I would hope you can have that with people without it having to be romantic. If he would openly ask you out, make a move or make you feel uncomfortable then yeah, good to set a boundary. But if you felt like it was platonic at that moment then that’s ok in my eyes? But everyone has different boundaries ofc

edit: misspelling

[u/goozakkc → u/BitterPeace_]

So true. There is something in me that is terrified of being called a tease or what not. But I also will converse with anybody about anything, so I tend to always think its just a good convo. It was only near the end when the compliments got stronger and he was closer to me.

Back in the day, I was the scary protector lady when out with friends. I think I give off the impression I am gay, so if a man starts a convo with me I don't instantly go to "oh, this dude is interested, lets set a boundary".

[u/bowlingforchilis]

He didn’t ask your status, or on a date? I would try not to worry too much, and I completely understand too. If he wanted to pursue you further, he could’ve asked probing questions that you would have answered honestly. Maybe he just likes to chat!

[u/goozakkc → u/bowlingforchilis]

That is what I am hoping. He started laying on some thicker compliments near the end and asked me to dance (to which I said I was too tired, which again, made me feel maybe I should have read further into that and told him I was marrried?) I am usually pretty on top of social cues, but not in this kind of subtle situation when I am unprepared.

[u/mastifftimetraveler → u/goozakkc]

Aww I feel you. I get like this when I have a partner. One line I’ve used when not sure if the dude is hitting on me or not is, “it’s been great getting to know you and I want to continue chatting but I have a partner I’m monogamous with. Anyway, what about (insert relevant topic/question)”

The trick is to not let the partner info just sit there and instead, give them an opportunity to continue the previous vibe if they want to.

Sometimes the person is turned off and doesn’t address the follow-up question/statement (phew, dodged a bullet) or they’re like shrug and continue the convo (perfect!).

I’ve learned it’s important to respect your partner’s role in your life while also giving people the space to react however they want.

Btw, it took me almost 40 years to realize people deciding to stop a convo because of info I shared to protect myself isn’t a rejection or a reflection on me—it just means I was right to assert my boundary and they have their own shit to deal with.

[u/genji-sombra]

I also don't think you should worry that having a nice conversation is "wasting someone's time". You don't owe anyone any information until you feel you want to share it. It's cool that you got to chat about an interest of yours, and if all he wanted is to hit on you, I'm sure he would have asked you out at some point. I hope you just enjoyed your night out :)

[u/disgraceful_hag]

Nah you don't owe it to them. I have been in a relationship for over a decade but i don't mention my partner unless it comes up. A mentor of mine didn't even know until several years after meeting me 😂 I treat any man the same way I would treat anyone else. If they ask me out, I just say no thank you.

[u/goozakkc → u/disgraceful_hag]

That makes me feel better. And reminds me that I had been dating my husband for months and our coworkers and boss had no idea. People don't even know that we are a couple even if he had been at the bar with me.

I have always been someone who feels bad rejecting anyone cause I always think it takes so much courage to approach a potential date. This attitude has gotten me in some dangerous and awkward positions when I was younger. I suppose it just hasn't come up in so long, my guilt went into overdrive :)

[u/Frustrated_Barnacle]

Tbf I am the person who, after a few drinks, will just awkwardly inject that if they're looking for a pull, I am the wrong person as I'm happily married, but if they're only wanting to talk then that's okay. I've never had anyone react poorly, but I have had people after still try and pull, which is weird.

But, I want to echo the theme of the thread - you don't owe anyone anything. You don't need to tell someone your details and you can just treat it as a nice conversation.

My Dad always told me the best way to pull is to be upfront - "fancy a shag?". You may get a slap but you'll always pull. Personally, I think more people should be like this. I like drunken chats and complimenting people, I think it's sad that there's a belief this must be because youre trying to get into someone's trousers.

[u/goozakkc → u/Frustrated_Barnacle]

NORMALLY this would be me!

But, I usually have to get a pretty clear (to me) signal that this was happening first. He was too subtle at first. JUST over the tipping line for me to feel okay being my normal upfront self. Part of it is a (to me) well tread fear of dudes flipping out at rejection. It was also a mostly dead bar, meaning everyone would know I rejected him.

Jesus. I feel so ridiclous for my anxiety. I am pretty well known for being super upfront with folks. But I serisouly didn't expect it. Or the lack of crowd. I have an intense need to "perform" to an audience.

[u/Frustrated_Barnacle → u/goozakkc]

That's all very relatable. Don't beat yourself up over it, both for not telling him you're in a relationship or for your anxiety. You've done nothing wrong.

Have you ever heard of hangxiety? It's hangover + anxiety, it sounds like you've got a bit of that going on.

[u/Standard-Trade-2622]

Don’t worry about it (ha!). If they ask or your husband naturally comes up, then say so. If not, just talk to someone.

[u/assflea]

You don't have to say anything until he makes his intentions obvious imo, married people are allowed to engage in friendly conversation with the opposite sex and until he asks you out or tries to buy you a drink or something that's all this interaction was. 

[u/goozakkc → u/assflea]

The place has a jukebox equivalent that him and his friend aparently "bumped" their songs higher than mine. When I jokingly complained, he tried to rebump my songs to the top. He also asked me to dance? And when I left, he reapproached me to say how awesome he thought I was. (which is when I suspected he was truly hitting on me). But I am older, and expect the classic, "let me buy you a drink" or asking for my phone number. So.....yeah, I have no idea. And I plan on going back out with the friend, and apparently need to be prepared for such a thing? Dude was in his early 30s.

[u/assflea → u/goozakkc]

If it happens again, if someone asks you to dance that presents a good opportunity to say "I'm married just so you know!" That's not presumptuous at all imo, I don't see most men asking someone to dance if they're not interested in that way lol. If he didn't offer to buy you a drink or try to get your number though I assume he picked up on other hints that you weren't interested.

ETA I should also clarify I don't think there's anything wrong with dancing! It doesn't have to be a rejection even, more of just a "don't want to waste your time if that's what you're going for" kind of thing.

[u/goozakkc → u/assflea]

Agreed. The dance thing was near the end, which clued me in a bit more. But that was like...20 minutes intoi this full blown convo, which is why I feel guilty. Like I didn't pick up on it soon enough to naturally introduce my husband.

Jesus. reading this all back, I am suddenly reminded that folks always thought I was being flirtatious when I was younger, just because I will literally talk to anybody about anything. As I got older, combined with my personal style, this seemed to incline people towards clocking me as gay, so I didn't have to worry about men mistaking my intentions as much and women take rejections much better (though i still feel horrendous guilt for "tricking" them).

I hate it when I realize people are interested in my romantically, OR WORSE, thinking I am interested in them. Then I end up on dates I don't know are dates, and people with expectations I had not idea I was not meeting.

[u/assflea → u/goozakkc]

Eh I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about! Most people have misread cues or been rejected before, it's not a big deal.

[u/thepwisforgettable]

okay maybe I'm dumb about this stuff, but if I were worrying about this, I'd probably just say something like "Hey can I cut you off real quick and ask something? I'm not single or looking for anything, but I am really enjoying this conversation. I'd love to keep talking about star wars, bur if you're looking for someone to hit on I wanna give you a chance to back out?"

no idea how well that would be received, but usually polite bluntness (I acknowledge you're probably trying to sleep with me and I'm not gonna shame you for that type of thing) is fairly well received.

[u/ASoupDuck → u/thepwisforgettable]

I often approach situations like this too. Polite bluntness is a good descriptor haha. It has always been well received.

[u/purritobean]

Hey maybe he’s also married and just genuinely enjoyed chatting about Star Wars! My point isn’t to undermine your feeling that he was hitting on you, more to point out that it’s not your responsibility to manage his expectations by predicting what he wants and proactively avoiding disappointing him. He’s an adult, if he wants to ask you out, he should do that which would give you a chance to politely decline. it’s not on you to avoid “wasting” his time. He’s a grown man who, if he can’t express what he’s looking for within a timeline he’s comfortable with that’s on him!

[u/dreadwitch]

I'm single but when I was in a relationship I didn't feel like I had to mention it unless they asked me out.

[u/Qahnaarin_112314]

Always assume that people (who seem safe in safe settings) have good intentions. He very well could have been looking for friends. But to a friend it would be ok to say “oh yeah my husband likes that video game but I never got into it”. And then keep the conversation going. Since he never asked he can’t be rightfully upset

[u/karween]

keep in mind that all the answers to those questions may be lower stakes than you fear them to be. if it was too early? too late? he's upset? not upset?

ok.

the conversation ends. (however awkwardly)

the only major change is that you are uncomfortable. and that's ok. the stakes of a conversation is more your personal fears and perceptions and caring about your own well being helps lower your anxiety and focus more on what's happening externally.

[u/Lonelyinmyspacepod]

Have you thought about tattoo rings? Even temporary ones might be nice when you're having a night out.

[u/Prestigious-Bar5385]

I usually easy it into the conversation at the beginning but it’s still a little awkward. Something like yeah my husband and I saw that movie the other day. Also I was out with my daughter at a roller derby and her friends dad just out of the blue mentioned his wife and in my head i was like did he think I might flirt with him? lol I didn’t even find him attractive I guess it was because we were the oldest two in our group it’s hard to know for sure because I don’t pick up on social cues.

[u/Uberbons42]

You’ve got good advice here. I do like the easy social signal of a ring which cut down on this drastically. I wear a silicone ring (5 pack for like $20) which is super comfortable or you could sharpie a ring on your finger if you’re going out w the gals. May be worth it just for those special occasions.

[u/goozakkc → u/Uberbons42]

I wish I could weat silicon rings. We got those when we got married... But i cough pretty much ate it. My pica is all about silicon ;)

BUT!!!!!!!! A SHARPIE RING. BRILLIANT.

[u/Uberbons42 → u/goozakkc]

Darn pica! Can’t eat a sharpie mark! Unless you eat your finger which is a whole other thing. Some people get tattoo rings. But that’s permanent.

[u/Tegdag → u/goozakkc]

Sharpie would be fun, or even a temporary tattoo!

[u/kategoad]

I struggled with not being able to identify if someone was hitting on me. A few days before I met my husband, I went to a concert by myself (very few of my friends liked the band). I run into this guy I've known forever. We chat and enjoy the music for a while. Then he says, "I'm going to go to this other bar." My response, "OK." We continue to enjoy the music. "I'm going to go to this other bar." "OK." Rinse, repeat a few more times.

I was chatting with a friend online after and relayed the conversation to him. He laughed and said that the guy was totally hitting on me. Oh, yeah. Huh. Missed that cue.

[u/Appropriate-Regrets]

Everything they all said. But also, I’ve been with my husband for 20 years now. I don’t often wear any rings, let alone my wedding band. I have a replacement ring that I’ll wear sometimes but it’s not something I think of putting on.

I’ve been (rudely) cat called since we’ve gotten married, but never actually hit on or asked out. But I also don’t go out.

[u/sparklesrelic]

My ‘wedding ring’ is an earring. And has been for a decade.

My experience is that there is NEVER a good time to introduce that you are not single into a convo. Men will interpret it as an aggression and respond similarly “I wasn’t even hitting on you!” No matter what. I’ve been called a bitch, conceited etc by strangers that no nothing about me other than the fact that I am not willing to give them special attention. So. There’s not a “right” way to turn down a man in our current patriarchy

[u/goozakkc → u/sparklesrelic]

Blah. Yeah, that is a big worry for me. I am not sure if this dude was aggressive. I get the impression he was not. But it's was a mostly empty bar, and my friend and I were the only female patrons, with about another 15 male customers. I know part of my reluctance was the other customers.

[u/Eowyning]

-As the person who's been accused of leading folks on because I didn't realize they were hitting on me and also accidentally being on dates because they said "grab brunch" which is what I do with friends-

If he was in fact hitting on you, this is actually his problem for not making his intentions known rather than your problem for not chasing him away. If he assumed you were available, this is pretty rooted in the patriarchal assumption that a woman alone is not "taken" since there's inherent assumption that women are tagging along with their boyfriend/spouse. No one assumes every man at the bar is single and ready to mingle, and its totally normal for married men to gather for a drink together and make nice. It should be equally reasonable for women.

Obviously these situations have actual safety risks involved because men can and have been violent to women on these grounds. But the language of leading men on is pretty clearly diverting blame to make it women's fault for tempting men for...secret gain?

In this case you didn't seem to feel unsafe, but it seems to me the anxiety is rooted in fear of retribution or hurting someone's feelings because they made an assumption and didn't clarify-which again is actually a them problem.

[u/goozakkc → u/Eowyning]

This is exactly it. All of it.

[u/Boring_Internet_968]

Unless he is asking you out or making sexual advances, you don't owe him anything. People can and should interact outside of trying to "get with" someone. If it was a woman having the same conversation when would you feel it was appropriate to tell them you are married?

If at the end of the conversation he asks you out and you say "that's flattering but I'm married" and he gets upset, then HE is a shifty human. Because men and women should be able to have good genuine conversations without the expectation of it to turn into something romantic or sexual.

[u/Nyx_light]

I don't think you need to tell a stranger at the bar unless he asks for your phone number.

[u/goozakkc]

Phew. Not trying to anticipate and manage expectations is....so against my grain at this point. I need to work on that.

[u/lithelinnea]

Don’t feel guilty, you didn’t ask to be hit on.

I do like to use the “yeah my boyfriend likes that thing too” line as a way to make things clear while not being presumptuous. The thing is, it doesn’t need to be true. Say your husband loves that video game even if he doesn’t.

[u/Huge_Broccoli_1085]

I don't like waiting for the person to make a move to say something so I tend to just say "my husband likes that too." when I'm talking about something with a new person. It's nonconfrontational but definitely shows you're married. Works most of the time and the interested party tends to shift their focus to someone else.

[u/jdijks]

I'd discuss this with the husband on what he's comfortable with. Personally I would expect a ring on the finger if you were going to the strip club but if he doesn't care than it doesn't matter what anyone here says.

That being said I would only bring it up in the event that he asks you out or if you start to feel that he is hitting on you and that it would be disrespectful to your husband.

Personally if I'm getting uncomfortable with how a guy is talking to me I will start slipping into conversation that I already have a man to kind of give the guy a hint that he's not getting anywhere without outright rejecting him. But if the guy is just being friendly and didn't ask you out I wouldn't bring it up at all

[u/sunflowersandbees777]

I very recently had a really nice conversation with a guy at my volunteer job (he is a paid employee) and we chatted for an hr and I was super happy because he's 'my type' AND we were hitting it off. I even mentioned how it's funny everyone around our age (early 30's) are all going off and getting married and having kids yet I'm focusing on studying my special interests and wanting to travel (this is very important to this story!) BECAUSE in that exact moment he COULD have said 'Yeah im married and have a kid'.. Yet after an hour of me talking and obviously hitting on him... then asking him out a little later that day, he respectfully declined and THATS why he rejected me. Because he's married with a kid- We could have still had a nice convo but oml I was so embarassed.. I haven't seen him in 2 weeks but I'll see him tomorrow and at least now I know i guess... I mean yeah it might be an ego boost for them but mentioning it SOMEHOW might be nice...If it was me, if when I have a partner, they get brought up pretty quickly so ppl don't get the wrong idea.

[u/AptCasaNova]

If he’s a decent guy, he will enjoy the conversation and when you make it known you’re not romantically interested, he’ll respect that.

I’m ace and that’s my line - ‘I’ve enjoyed chatting, but I’m not interested in a romantic relationship’. Full stop.

You can say it whenever and however you like, managing his reaction isn’t your responsibility and I’d argue you can’t anyway.

[u/Ok_Waltz8548]

I always assume every conversation is genuine and organic with no underlying flirting. If I ever feel like it is getting flirty, I have no problem very casually dropping the word “husband”. He’s your other half, it’s only natural that somewhere in the convo a shared interest or fun fact about your husband would come up.

“That is so awesome… my husband hates that stuff, but I’m a big fan.” Something like that.

[u/Ok-Shape2158]

I believe you are allowed to have a conversation with anyone you want to, about anything.

Heteronormative couples need to decide for themselves what works. Almost none talk about these things, hence the normative, nothing is really normal, things could be statistically more common (mode?).

I understand it better than I can explain it, not my hyper-fixation.

[u/Strange_Morning2547]

You didn't do anything wrong. He didn't get your number or anything or whatever else happens after that. I usually just say in the first sentence or two- oh my husband is blah blah blah- whenever I am talking to a man that I do not know. Just cause, its hard being married sometimes and I wanna be straight up about things.

[u/Scared-Swim5245]

usually i dont go out or get into this type or situation, but have the same issue as you. 

I DID made the mistake once of not telling right away, and it was more problematic for waiting to long to say im married. 

Now i think the best is to say it right away if theres that feeling, that idea comes up of saying it. 

"BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY ". 

U do owe to your partner to say that you are in fact married. if dont believe me, ask him yourself how does he feel about it 

Doesnt matter how the estranger is gonna feel about it, or whats the appropriate way. the right way, is to just say it. as your mind is bringing it up, in the moment is bringing it up.

The "relationship" you have with some random man you just met, isnt more important that the relationship you have with the man you married. So the feelings, or thoughs, impresions, or anything about this man shouldn't matter in the slightest.

in any case, better ask your husband about this, his opinion should matter more than any internet random.

[u/goozakkc → u/Scared-Swim5245]

Totally agreed re:husband. I told him straight away and asked when he would like me to bring it up. Hr said if they asked to buy me a drink or for a phone number. He agreed when the dude finally asked me to dance and I said no.

He (husband) seems to not really care if I say "no thanks" or "no thanks I'm married".

I just want to get ring tattoos, but he has no tattoos and clearly would do it for me, but isn't psyched about it.