I joined an autism mom's group and since I get out very little because of the work of my twins as well as my son's autism/health problems. I'm also autistic so I do struggle with social situations and making friends. Next Saturday is a dinner we go to as a large group with the autism moms. I checked Facebook and have been kicked out of the group. I contacted a friend that's in the group because I was confused about what I may have done. I'm so sad I'm no longer welcome to join in on the outings. She said I was kicked out because I broke the group rules for asking for money. The reason I asked for payment was the moderator of the group wanted me to do some complicated sewing for her child's pagents. When I told her I could do it but there would be a cost she wasn't happy. She then told me she could borrow my daughters clothes. I said no. They are hers. I have a big history of letting people take advantage of me and I have been trying very hard to have rules. I can deal with not being in the group. Maybe they were never going to be my friend. I just need some guidance on whether I oversteped asking for payment for my work. I don't think so but I'm not always understanding what the right answers are when people ask me for favors.

When I told her I think I potentially had autism she denied it and told me she Dosent believe it and it’s probably anxiety and sent me so many tests. 😭

I did all of them and kept them in like a note thingy but I’m not sure if they’d mean anything to a therapist if I got evaluated.

This is technically a repost because I deleted the other one because I forget to add the others.

Hello people,

I am working on completing my development history for future diagnosis. May I ask if the following details count as autistic traits?

Stimming:

One thing I just have in mind is that I would walk in circle whenever I am thinking/having intense feelings. This behavior feel very natural for me. And I actively remember that I've been doing this all the time(from I learn how to walk to now). The reason I remember it is because whenever I did this, my dad would say the same joke. And this joke is almost like a family tradition for us.

Besides I bite my nails A LOT, this also start from a early age. But I start to picking scalp after I read a comic where the main character pick his dandruff and make a painting out of it...

Special Interest:

The one I want to talk about is doll. I have a lot of dolls(compared to other kids in my area), but I grow up in a relatively underdeveloped place, and my family is not that rich to support me brought hundreds of dolls. But I still have a cabinet full of them. And I still want to gather a lot of them after going to university(though my parents suggest me not to do so).

But I do have a friend who is willing to play doll with me(my mom introduced her to me at the first day of elementary school). I would came up with the same story settings (imaginary story adapted from TV show/cartoon) the let it go like a combination of plots from different show.

But I only would insist on playing the same game over and over again and soon my friends started to hate playing doll with me(I feel so sorry for her now). She refused to play this with me many times and I would just keep begging her until she agreed. I finally ended the torture for her at fifth grade because my parents brought a PC and later we started to play video games together.

Thank you for reading all my nonsense!

TLDR: Walk in circle when have intense feeling or thinking. Special interest is doll.

Hi!
I would like to ask for help! I am doing a group presentation on the language acquisition of people on the autism spectrum. My task is to support the data my mates collect on the topic with examples from the media (movies, TV shows, etc).

Could you recommend TV shows, characters, scenes, or anything that is considered an accurate representation of the lives of people with autism, and the way they communicate and connect with others? I am also looking for bad, disrespectful portrayals too!

Thank you in advance! Have a nice weekend!

I have ADHD and also traits of the autism spectrum, my case is special, I am not like any other person with these diagnoses, when I was a child I was more backward compared to others, I was dumb, I was lost all the time, I did not understand anything, at school I was labeled as the fool, the stupid and the crazy, I remember what I was like in those times, I was less aware of my hygiene, my way of speaking, I was not aware of my hairstyle or my physical appearance, I had little awareness of myself, I was not aware that I looked asleep or in another world, I was not aware of the way I looked at others or my body posture, I saw a photo of myself when I was 15 years old, I had a posture leaning forward and to one side, my shoulders drooped and the face of tired or dazed I would prefer to call it a stupid face, my passport in the photo of my passport I have sleepy eyes they are not fully open, I always felt half asleep until the day I still feel this way today when I'm supposed to be alert, but when I'm at home I feel fine.

I may be autistic and I haven’t been able to make friends in many years. I’m also shy.

It’s effected my life in that now I have to live with or try to stay close to family member who is narcissistic and I am not happy being around them but they are the only family member I have contact with really. I was raised isolated and very far from my extended families. So I have to try to keep this relationship with this one person going and act like they’re not they’re not toxic to be around.

'Friendly checkout helper' Abel making a mark for inclusivity https://www.rnz.co.nz/news/business/557264/friendly-checkout-helper-abel-making-a-mark-for-inclusivity

This is such a heartwarming example of how the action of a single business can do so much to raise the awareness of what autism is for the average person.

Like they feel or pick up on others emotions in a visceral way so to speak? That’s why they want to avoid eye contact more than normal, etc.

Hi everyone! Autism isn’t a barrier or just a label—it’s a way of experiencing the world that adds color to its canvas. For World Autism Awareness Month, we honor the diverse minds and voices in this community. Understanding, acceptance, and meaningful inclusion start with listening to real experiences. Believe me, I have often felt uneasy just by speaking a single word, knowing the weight of the stigma it carries and I don’t share this lightly. However, I have realized that my voice or perspective is not something to hide—they are strengths to embrace. This year, I am taking a step forward in sharing my own journey. My article, Breaking the Silence: 33 Years of Autism, Advocacy, and Acceptance, is now available on Medium and Substack. It’s the beginning of something much bigger—a full-length book that will dive even deeper into my life story, the struggles I have faced, and the lessons I have learned.I hope my words resonate with others who have walked a similar path, start conversations, and inspire greater awareness. Autism is not just a diagnosis; it’s a way of life that can be misunderstood. Let’s continue breaking the silence together. Thank you all in advance for reading, sharing, and supporting this cause.

https://medium.com/@bdtighe/breaking-the-silence-33-years-of-autism-advocacy-and-acceptance-85134df6ad77

https://autismspectrumnews.org/breaking-my-33-year-silence-living-with-autism-finding-acceptance/

Hello everyone. This may be a bit of a writeup. I just need some perspectives on my situation and my brand/type of autism. Thank you, if you choose to read this whole thing.

I am not able to get an official diagnosis as an adult at this time.

I understand no one here is really qualified to say whether or not I have autism, but I just want to hear perspectives on what I've laid out here.

I've always been a little "weird". I'm the youngest of my family and I'd react the "worst" out of various situations compared to when my siblings were kids. (Worst as in more anger and outbursts) My mom understood that I was definitely different compared to most kids, she suspected autism and took me to a place where I guess they specialized in that stuff. However, this was most certainly pre-2013 and they didn't even bother to even try to test me, they just blew her and her concerns off. She still thought I had it, some form of it, even if everyone didn't believe her. She has always done her best to accommodate me where she could.

As an adult, it seems very likely to me, but I have some doubts. I will start with confirmations first.

Now that I live on my own and don't have to face ridicule from one of my siblings, I finally started to "relax", but had to really force myself to. I believe in the autism community, this is referred to as "masking" and "unmasking", but to me I just see it as "social mode" and "non-social mode". I was always near my sibling and wouldn't always know where he was home, so I'd be almost permanently in "social mode" for several years. I believe this may have caused "autistic burnout" where I was extremely depressed for a very long time. Once I started relaxing, I started getting some desires to make some movements, realized I didn't need to worry anymore, in which I've started doing a few. One of which I didn't realize, but the interlocked-finger-hand-rubbing thing, is apparently very stereotypically autistic.

I don't feel like I feel things in the same way as other people. I'm going to describe the following way in the way that I feel I can describe it best, but it may not make sense. My emotions used to be very close to my mind when I was a child. During teenage years though... Something eventually happened, and some of my emotions seem... further, harder, difficult to read. I don't understand what I feel anymore, I don't understand HOW I feel anymore. I can easily identify when I am emotionally miserable to a certain point, but I have a harder time understanding sometimes if I'm happy, confused, or have a concern about something or someone. Sometimes I need to dedicate hours thinking about something to just try to get an idea of a way to attempt to put something into words. And once I start speaking, I need to be VERY careful who I say it to, because most people don't seem to understand the idea that I'm saying something, that I THINK I feel, but I don't know if I actually feel this way. It can take several attempts before something "hits correctly" to how I feel. I've spent years attempting to find the right words to explain this, with tons of practice conversations when I'm alone.

I have a hard time working for extended periods of time. I work 16 hour weeks and I feel like that is my limit for an energy equilibrium. This may be the type of work rather than work itself, as my job is rather social (a medical nonprofit, but I usually don't interact with patients, but I do a lot of coordination with staff and volunteers and there's a lot of chatting between my coworkers; I kind of like the chatting since I like to hear others' perspectives, but I think it drains me a lot more than I feel it does. I am also very often in proximity to staff speaking with patients. Even during lunchtime, I hear people chatting.)

As a child, I was EXTREMELY sensitive to pain. I was always quick to complain if I hurt. As an adult, I feel like it's... very easy to ignore pain, so long as it's not too extreme or chronic. For example, needles don't hurt in any worthwhile way to me, it's just the FEELING of the needle inside me that I hate. According to my doctor, I have plantar fasciitis, and yet one of my favorite jobs is tons of walking/running. It hurts a lot, but it feels very... ignorable. I always feel like I'm super-sensitive, but it's still somehow easy to ignore?

I can never, ever, anticipate people. It feels like 80% of things people do are a complete and utter shocking surprise to me. I'm easy to "stun", socially, especially in an argument. So while I love to hear peoples' perspectives on stuff like politics, I almost never talk about them with others because people can't help but get conversationally aggressive, as if they wanted me to shut up for providing a viewpoint that's different than their own (before you think I'm talking about some specific group of people, I'm talking about people on *all* sides of the spectrum; no one is immune from getting emotional). That's actually part of the reason why I might not even respond to anyone or look at this post until I work up the courage after a week since I've been dogpiled on Reddit before, and I still don't know what I uniquely did that made me so disliked. I have no way to know or tell if people will do the same here, or anywhere, so I just lurk Reddit (and most places) rather than interact, since I'm afraid of the hurt. I'm a very sensitive soul, deep down, and it takes me a long time to process my way out of social hurt.

I take a long time to learn something, but when I do, it's locked in pretty well. I primarily learn visually and if I need to remember something someone says to me, it works best if it's in text or written down. Before puberty fogged up my brain, I was able to do math pretty well in my head. I'm still decent at it, but it's always been much harder ever since my stupid gametes started firing their chems.

I also don't care for eye contact, but I can do it since it's socially "required" at times.

I absolutely despise decorations in my house. It's more stuff to visually process for no reason; I prefer blank walls.

Speaking of visual processing, I have a TERRIBLE time of looking for stuff. The other day, my roommate asked me to get his bag from the floor. I looked down on the floor, and there were various items. I couldn't see... anything. I could see colors and all the shapes, but I was unable to process what these colors and shapes *were* until after a little while. I believe I have the same issue with driving, which makes it feel very unsafe for me to drive.

And well, I always, ALWAYS feel so... isolated from others. I try to talk to them about stuff, and people keep misunderstanding me, and I don't know what I do that makes it so hard to understand; my words make sense to me, but people seem to keep not understanding them correctly.

As for things that make me doubt it...

I'm not neat by any means. Everything is a pile of random stuff. I hate organizing. I'll need to do it eventually, but... well, "I'll do it tomorrow".

I read that one autism trait is "A lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people (e.g. by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people).", but yet I don't think I have this trait at all. I love to share things with other people, so long as they care to listen.

It's easier to me to get along with neurotypical folks than neurodivergent folks. Mind you, the people I've gotten the closest connections with seem to diverge mentally in one way or another, but I think it ties back to what I mentioned before in that I like interesting perspectives, even ones I believe are wrong. It's sometimes harder for me to interact with my closer friends than a random stranger since they're... I'll use the term "mentally diverse" to refer to my friend group. NT people in my experience are... boring, but generally inoffensive. And strangers I meet who are very clearly ND, I tend to have a harder time getting along with, since... well, this is something I won't ever make it anyone's problem if I can help it, but I find them more draining compared to the average person. I feel more stressed around them than NT folks, since I don't really know what to do or say. So, as a tendency to avoid stress for myself, I have a desire to avoid them. From my readings, this is a very NT response. I do my best not to avoid anyone since I know how it feels to be in that situation, but it does drain me.

I give off the impression that I have "special interests" to my friends and such, but I don't feel like it to me. Everything, even things I don't like, feel like a top-level interest. And eventually I lose interest and move onto something else. Even my biggest obsession, dragons, I just get tired of, then I have to deal with my friends pointing dragons out to me when I just don't care at the time. There's no interest I have that I regress towards during times of burnout; I'd just want to do nothing, see nothing, hear nothing, feel nothing.

If I wanted to spend another hour writing everything out, I probably could. I feel that this is plenty to give for a perspective. Here is my rdos.net graph, if that helps anything. I don't know how accurately I answered the questions, and some of the questions I've just never been in that type of situation, so I just left them unanswered.

I understand no one here is really qualified to say whether or not I have autism, but I just want to hear perspectives on what I've laid out here.

Anyway, if you've read the whole way, thank you very much for reading.

Hello everyone, I’m not sure if this is the best place to post this but I am looking for easy food recommendations. If there is a better sub for this I will try there..

I’ll give some background first and then food types/textures that I am looking for. Not looking for expert opinion but I know a lot of people in this community are as particular as I am and would understand what I’m looking for.

I broke my foot a couple months ago and I have been cooking a bit more but I am fairly broke and I get tired easily so I need some more easy breakfasts.

Sometimes food in the morning tastes like shoving dry sand in my mouth but I have to eat to take my medication.

I like the hotcakes from McDonalds but not homemade pancakes. I like the fluffiness and homemade pancakes have a little crunch/hardness on top I do not like. I have bought microwaveable flapjacks that looked similar but had that sort of crust I don’t like. Has anyone found store bought pancakes that are soft and fluffy like hotcakes?

I’ve been eating a lot of cereal but it doesn’t hold me over for that long. I think I need more protein in my diet and more nutrients/electrolytes. I like protein shakes but haven’t bought them in a while because they’re a bit expensive. I eat a lot of peanut butter. Meats are hard for me, I’m pretty particular about how it’s cooked so I don’t usually like pre cooked meat or microwaved nuggets etc.

Unfortunately my safe foods mostly come from McDonald’s because I worked there for more than 5 years and I know exactly how things are made and what the quality represents (eg if it’s been sitting out too long vs being overcooked).

Edited - I've been dating a wonderful guy with Level 1 autism for five months. We hit it off immediately, sharing many interests, and had a very loving and consistent relationship where we talked on the phone, texted and spent time together almost daily. He was always open about his background and workload, which is heavy and demanding, but it rarely seemed to significantly interfere with our connection besides 1-2 days.

Leading up to a work trip, we were in daily contact. He even told me he'd miss me and kept me updated throughout the trip with messages, memes and pictures. Since his return, he's completely disappeared. I've sent two low-pressure messages over the past month, just to check in and see if he's okay. I know he's active online with work-related posts, but he's completely silent with me.

Given the strength of our connection, I'm finding it hard to believe he'd just ghost me. I'm aware of his address, workplace, and social media, which makes his silence even more confusing. I'm trying to be respectful of his space, but I'm also worried he might be experiencing burnout, which I've been reading about. He also has comorbid anxiety, depression, ADHD, which I've read can impact burnout recovery. I've also read that some people on the spectrum have time blindness and may not realize how long they have been away.

I'm looking for advice from the autism community. How long does burnout usually last if this is burnout or a shutdown? Should I continue sending occasional, low-pressure messages, or should I assume he's ghosting and move on? Any insights would be greatly appreciated.

Update - Unfortunately, I've realized that he blocked me after the work trip. I looked at the two messages I sent in the past, this morning, and realized that neither was "delivered" even though they were spaced weeks apart. I'm really upset that he would make plans for the future with me and leading up to the trip, send me messages that indicate his continued interest in me and then randomly block me. Thank you all for your advice. I'm heartbroken but ready to move on.

So dad died on the 12th of March. We believe from a blood clot from his second knee surgery in like two months. His symptoms and the timing are just too good. He was 54 and the healthiest of all of us (the immediate family). If insurance wouldn’t have done a horrible job he would’ve had the full knee replacement done in the first surgery. And we’re wondering if having them back to back and some other stuff led to this. Anyway to the point of this story. I’m worried I’m abnormal or if this is the autism. (I am diagnosed with autism btw.)

So I have anger towards the insurance company if you haven’t figured that out already but besides that I feel numb and have since he passed. I’m watching my mother, my little sister, and my little brother cry and scream and stuff and I’m just sitting there. Every once and awhile I’ll break down and cry some but it’s only a few tears and I force myself to stop. Part of that may be conditioning where I’ve made myself not cry to avoid bullying. My body is reacting to immense stress constantly like I can feel it and objectively notice the signs.

I feel strange like I should be far more upset than I am because he was so amazing and I looked up to him so much but I just don’t feel it. It’s scaring me tbh.

I’ve determined that the best way to honor him is to take care of the family and live my life how he’d want me to by being true to myself.

I'm on the autism spectrum, according to the psychologists who evaluated me. I have ADHD, and I also have mild cognitive impairment.

I never stood out for having much intellect. In fact, I was a poor student and was never interested in putting in the effort into something as difficult for me as studying. I barely finished high school. I was fortunate to have help, otherwise I wouldn't have made it. It's not easy for me to work well either. There aren't many jobs I can do well. I'm good at moving weights and carrying things, but I'm not good at quick, busy jobs or jobs where a lot of verbal instructions are given. And of course, I'm not good at jobs that require studying or a lot of cognitive ability.

What happened to me when I was a child and teenager is that I seemed to be mentally retarded, what other children could understand I could not understand, I did not understand jokes, I did not understand instructions, I remember that in physical education the teacher explained something with words and visually and I was the only one who did not understand, it took me 3 years to learn to add and subtract, I could never divide by more than one digit, when I watched a movie I did not understand the message nor did I understand what was happening or why the characters did such things, socially I did and said inappropriate things, I was reckless and it seemed that I did not think, when they bothered me by saying things I did not know what to say to defend myself, academically I was one of the worst students and I was rejected for that, all this that I mentioned continued to happen to me in adolescence then it began to slowly improve with age, I am currently 31 years old but there are sequels of all that.

I’ll make this as short as I can (everything ties  specifically  into my official diagnosis)….  In 1996, I was diagnosed ADHD, dyslexic, and borderline a few other things. All those things were true, but autism research wasn’t far along/available enough I guess since that wasn’t considered.   I was prescribed stimulants for the ADHD, and went through the first 10 grades of school without a school friend (the few times I’d try it always came on confusingly strong/offputting)…. This is when I realized my stimulants got me out of my normal headspace & made socializing slightly easier, and like a dumb kid, I quadrupled down on them (starting an addiction in just recently  (age 35) addressing… but I’m far too awkward to even attempt buying drugs illegally, so I’d take a month of stimulants in a week (eventually tripling up on pharmacies, other addict behavior), and I started drinking the other weeks. (While alcohol and adderall give opposite effects, I genuinely didn’t care how I felt, I just wanted to not feel and be anyone other than me).  Despite that, came within 9 credits of graduating college, but ultimately dropped out and spent  six years manically consumed by aimless projects, that aren’t even anything, it’s super annoying how it only fixate on useless activities, until I lucked (long story, but LITERALLY lucked into an intern film job (I was 28). That year I worked smaller productions, but ultimately, I was blamed for a slip up that wasn’t my fault, and I’m back to unemployed.

A few months later (2019) I got correctly diagnosed ASD with comorbid ADHD, Anxiety disorder, and borderline bipolar disorder. Mentally, you can’t really understand how meaningful that clarification is, but it wasn’t the knowledge, but the statistical analysis and breakdown of the dozen-odd different tests you take while getting diagnosed. I studied everything about what every number/section meant and was then able to look up similar examples specific to some of my own behavior (which is often hard to do with such a big spectrum), and learn practical mannerisms in interactions through my lens. all of a sudden, I could make sense of myself, and actually start maturing and growing in a direction I now know is the right way to go (I was just guessing aimlessly at)…. As I’m sure most of you have done, a year before I was diagnosed, I self-assessed myself, and honestly I was pretty accurate, which makes it all the more surprising this had such an impact on me.

If diagnosed correctly in 1996, I’d have been prescribed a more passive anxiety medicine initially as well, if not instead, with significantly different dosages/frequency. I got on an anti-anxiety med three years ago, and it’s helped enough for me to have gradually stopped taking Adderall (better late than never I suppose). I can’t say how much better I’d have faired socially, but I do know my specific diagnosis actually provided a foreign language credit loophole I could have gone through (the 9 units I was missing were all language, my brain just can’t read another language for some reason (I can speak somewhat, just can’t read it), so I’d have graduated.

Living alone was something I’ve always felt especially like a failure for struggling with so much…. Finding out I’m in less than half of the bottom one percentile in adaptive living abilities (ABAS-III), and I came to terms with that being something not worth the struggle it’d take to achieve, so I’m happily living with my mother, but the relief of accepting that as something that’s okay… game changer… Additionally, I’ve isolated specific aspects of my conversational/executive processing speed (WAIS-IV) I struggle with specifically enough for me to have figured out work arounds (never ideal, but it works for me).  The most helpful thing for me was my abysmal social responsiveness (SRS-2, etc) scores. I knew all of this beforehand, but the definitive process and acknowledgment of me as me (I didn’t mask at all for the interviews, hence my terrible scores :P).  I took a lot of time rewiring what “work ethic” meant to me, and reframed work primarily as the social interactions, the customer service, and mostly networking. I’ve never minded doing repetitive tasks for 12 hours a day (something everyone else hated, so I thought I should to, masking to fit in while using more energy and working less hard…. I flipped what I use my mental energy on, and It resulted in me not only getting back into film, but becoming a regular crew member for Kinetic Content within a few years…

There are other, just has significant issues I’m dealing with now, but that’s neither here nor there…  My diagnosis made me feel relatable for the first time, it gave me a roadmap to being a productive member of society (honestly all I want out of life)…  I know everyone is different, and someone else could take the exact same information the exact opposite way I did, so I’m not saying you should get diagnosed… just maybe consider this…

I tried almost every SSRI under the sun. Paxil for 15 years, I stopped taking it because I was tired of the apathy and the absence of any emotions. It was like a lobotomy even with the lowest possible dose. Then a psychiatrist gave me effexor, after one week, I felt the same effect with the added bonus of always feeling jittery. Then, a doctor switched it to Zoloft : same, I had to stop taking it. I finally found another doctor and, she said we could try Celexa.

Guess what, the apathy and the absence of any feelings was back with the added bonus of constant dizziness. I had to stop taking it after three weeks. My first question is: why doctors always insist on trying another SSRI or SNRI? I have autism and from, what I already saw, it just seems like SSRI are not for us.

Second question: do you have any experience with some thing else, another molecule which doesn't mess with your serotonine? Whenever I try SSRI, I loose almost every feelings and I feel apathic. Like, significant others could die and I wouldn't care at all. Maybe Wellbutrin (I'm suspected to also have ADHD, ...) or Clonidine? Why are doctors so hell bent on giving SSRI and nothing else? I have another appointment, with the doctor, in april. I'm not fond of going back to see her, it always seem like they don't care. They are like : "oh, those SSRI work for most people, it will work for you too". I'm like : "no, they don't work for me, it's my own body, I know what I feel". I already told her I was autistic but, it didn't seem to change her opinion on SSRI. General practitionner seem to have very little informations on how medication affect us differently.

I do read books on autism specific anxiety and it helps me a lot. From what I can see, my anxiety isn't completely caused by chemical imbalance. It's mostly because I spent my entire life ignoring my specific needs as an undiagnosed autistic guy. However, I do feel the crippling effect of it and it makes my life feel like hell.

This really hurts because compassion is a choice and she’s saying she’s choosing not to care. That’s pretty shitty

Edit: Surviving not surging

9-5 heading to burnout; Any tips appreciated

Hi everyone! I’m looking for advice on how those of you with 9-5’s are surviving.

I’ll give more specifics about my job below, but basically, I feel like I’m on the fast track to full blown burnout and I don’t want to be. I’m noticing that my stress tolerance keeps getting lower and lower and I’m starting every Monday off with an even higher “spoon deficit” (for a lack of a better term) than the week prior. By Thursday I’m so overstimulated that I don’t even want to hear my own voice. By 2 pm each day I’m so exhausted and my body feels like I could just collapse.

I work as a social worker and my job mainly involves driving around the city to check on clients, documenting all interactions (including emails), and attending meetings. Despite what the previous paragraph suggests, I actually love my job. I have no desire to leave. I’m at one of the only truly remote jobs left in the city. I’m only required to come into the office 2 times a month for two team meetings. Other than that, I am completely in control of my own schedule (as long as I’m working 8-4:30, M-F.) I make okay money, have a government 401k, awesome health insurance, and so much PTO, sick time, and personal time. This is the first job I’ve been in for more than a year and I want to stay here- but I don’t know how much longer I’ll last at this rate.

On days when I’m visiting clients, I’m finding myself struggling to get through the whole day without crying or completely collapsing when I get home. I often hide in my car and have to build myself up to go do the actual visit, even with clients that I enjoy seeing and who are usually pleasant to see. Typing is starting to feel aversive to me, which makes documentation difficult. I try using dictation, but my brain is so foggy and overwhelmed that I can’t even form full sentences. I can’t even block out time to dedicate to answering emails because whenever I do, I get a bunch of phone calls that all need to be answered and documented.

Because I’m so exhausted all the time, I’m starting to slack on other things I need to do at home, so now our house is also disgusting which stresses me out even more.

I’ve already reached out to my HR to request accommodations; specifically trying to switch my schedule so I’m working 4 10 hour days, which will hopefully allow me a day to actually decompress. My therapist (who knows I’m autistic) keeps telling me that I need to “allow myself time to decompress and destress” but what the fuck does that mean???? How am I supposed to do that? Even if I take time off work, all that does is make me even more behind and make everything even more overwhelming to come back to. Plus, that doesn’t solve the problem of the house. At this point I wish I could just quit my job, run away from my house, and go live under a bed somewhere.

On top of all of this- I’m fucking broke. Like, going into the negatives regularly broke.

How are you guys doing this every day??????

Possible trigger warning, mentions ED and food motivation

I’m figuring lots out with my own brain. I am in recovery from a ED, it’s shifted a lot over my life but the last time it shifted (2022) I lost all want to eat. I wish I could be a robot or get all my nutrition through something easy and not expansive. I read a post saying this could be an autism thing. For the last 3 years I’ve been feeding myself adequately for the most part but none of my hunger or fullness cues came back. My therapist mentioned ARFID traits for a little bit, not diagnosed or qualified but there were some similarities. Is it common to not feel connected with physical signs the body has?

Thinking back I never really had the signs but I knew the pattern of when I was “supposed to” feel hungry then I would eat. I also got diagnosed with stomach problems (still unknown) so what I could eat changed. All of my safe/ go to foods all contained ingredients my body no longer tolerated. It was a wild time.

I thought food would get easier but it hasn’t and I’m now in my 20’s. I no longer have ED thoughts and it’s still hard to feed myself.

I’m sorry if this was incoherent.

I’m not sure where to post this but this might be the closest to where I might find others with similar way of thinking. I have gestalt thinking, nonlinear and an intuitive pattern recognition way of thinking. I see things at system level or conceptual level and I intuitively interconnect things that are NOT related. I struggle explaining how I can see things that look so obviously similar to me in the way they function at a fundamental level, NOT at a detail level. This is genuinely how my brain is wired. Anyone out there who has a similar way of seeing the world? I would love to get your thoughts on this please because the struggle is real.

So I got gummy vitamins at the recommendation of my doctor a few months ago and was really excited at first because I love gummies ofc. But now that I feel like I must take two a day I don’t want to and didnt even take them today?? Like I physically cannot get myself to take them because it feels like my autonomy is being wrenched away from me. I’ve got tons of routines but they’re all my own choice, so I feel like this could be pathological demand avoidance / persistent drive for autonomy ? Or hey maybe it’s something else!

So I'm not nonverbal, and while I know that's ultimately a good thing, I genuinely just wish I wasn't expected to verbally speak, at least not all the time. I articulate myself way better when writing, so I feel like I'd be better off if I could just use text-to-speech to communicate with people. I'm neither deaf nor nonverbal, though, so that's not something I feel like I can really get away with. And I don't even always mind verbally talking. Sometimes it's nice, especially if my brain isn't scrambling to try to piece my thoughts together into something coherent and I already know what I want to say. I just wish I didn't have to do it all the time, I guess.

(I don't think this is something I've felt my entire life, by the way. I used to apparently be a pretty talkative kid according to my parents, though I'm assuming that was rather early in my childhood because a lot of my childhood memories involve me either not wanting to engage with people, or longing to engage with people but not knowing how, wanting to do entirely different things from the people around me despite still wanting to hang out with them, and/or not thinking people really wanted me around in the first place.)

I'm 28 and was diagnosed late last year and I've been reading and trying to better accommodate myself but the loneliness & detachment I feel combined with the embarrassment of misunderstanding situations or thinking people mean what they say in my professional life then later realizing that's not the case are two of the things that have been challenging.

I'm a musician and this lifestyle can already be extremely isolating and while I don't commonly feel connected with people that I enjoy/like in the same way others do, I still feel a deep longing inside to have more community around me. I don't feel comfortable disclosing being autistic to the general population as it may affect my career negatively, but I suppose I just want to feel seen and understood. People come and go in my life frequently & simply have their own lives to worry about so part of me has built a wall to protect myself.

I'm still learning about how to unmask and just be myself & weed use helps to ease my mind a bit and feel more comfortable being myself and being around people but I end up wanting to be high at all times which is not ideal (a bit of a tangent, sorry). I'm curious if anyone has had any success socially & how. I've gotten extremely good at masking and being likable, but at the expense of my true personality being unclear to me.