Don’t have much love to give: autism thing?

[u/vanilla_wind]

I always hear about people “loving deeply” and having a lot of love to give and it eludes me. I’m quite self conscious about it. I’ve loved a few people in my life before and, aside from my first one or two relationships when I was a teenager, I just don’t do the whole head-over-heels earth-shattering love thing everyone seems to talk about. I’m not diagnosed but there is certainly autism in my family.

I want to get into a new relationship soon and I’m worried the guy will not get enough love from me, whatever that even means. I don’t tend to do positive emotions with much intensity in general. I’m just kind of content, wavering around the middle and occasionally dipping low. I’d say I’m pretty content and I do grow fond and connect with people but that’s kind of it. I have some relationship trauma though.

Is this an autism thing or an attachment issue or just the way I am?

[u/1zzyBizzy]

I think many people are like that. On tv you always see so many people who have such strong desires and feelings, but in reality it is often flatter, i think. Sure there are people actually like that, but there are also people who just really like their partner and it turns into love over time. I think you don’t have much to worry about and that it won’t be super difficult to find someone to match your vibe - there are plenty of them.

[u/AnarchyBurgerPhilly]

This might be an unpopular opinion but form a 47 year old people pleaser, assuming you are heteronormative and relationship with a guy means you are female, you might just be… totally normal. We females and femme presenting humans are conditioned by the current social standards do all of the emotional labor. The expectations of modern females in traditional modern relationships are unreasonable and I personally love this for ou. Find a partner that fits you, the same advice I’d give anyone else. But please don’t change and don’t worry! What we expect women to perform isn’t healthy or good in my opinion and you’ve got a more centered view. Love is not caretaking or obsession. It should be balanced and comfortable.

[u/AnarchyBurgerPhilly → u/AnarchyBurgerPhilly]

TL:DR you seem fine don’t feign being histrionic to keep up with some culturally created myth. Good luck finding love!

[u/PlunxGisbit]

Its an individual thing, an autism thing, a fear thing, a hormone thing, a cultural thing etc etc.

[u/Dclnsfrd → u/PlunxGisbit]

This!!! There are truly so many factors that could be at play. None of them “bad,” just that they may play a role in providing an accurate picture (even if it’s just ruling them out)

One day in class the professor said something about how the emotions the writer was talking about being connected to physical sensations was hyperbole. This girl and I respectfully disagreed and I gave the example of “loving so much it hurts.” (It’s more like a good hurt, like when your muscles ache a little bit after a long walk in great weather.) The professor, the girl, and I looked at each other like “wait, my experience isn’t as common as I thought??”

[u/bigasssuperstar]

The canon of love mythology is entertaining, but it's of little use to our lived experience.

[u/travsteelman1]

At my autism assessment the lady asked me if I loved or missed anyone.. I had to think about it and it was eye opening.

I think that different people have different levels of themselves that they're capable of giving.

There's people that give 85% of themselves to everyone around them and thrive in life.

Then there's people like me that struggle to give 15%.. I've realized it will never be enough because there are so many people capable of giving more than I can.

Im ok with it but it was a really interesting moment 🙃