A question for men with autism who finally 'clicked' with someone in a romantic relationship.

[u/Motor_Feed9945]

Hello, although any and all answers are greatly appreciated, and I would love to hear the opinions and thoughts of anyone kind enough to read and share. I will admit this post is primarily a question to men with autism (although I imagine for women with autism this might apply just as much).

I am in my late thirties now and have still never been in a relationship before, not even a super short one. Not overly surprising for an autistic guy. But a tad bit frustrating, nevertheless. I have always had a hard time fitting in and connecting with people. It basically just does not happen to me.

Which is ok. I do pretty good on my own. But I would like a relationship. And I worry my inability to click with someone is forever going to keep me single. It just seems no matter who I am talking to we never really 'click' or make a connection.

What is hard for me to understand is I like and click with women all the time. It is not hard for me to click with someone I like. I even fall in love wonderfully easily. So, it is hard for me to understand what another person is looking for. I seem to find what I am looking for in another so easily and yet no one ever seems to find in me what they are looking for.

I guess this question is mostly for men with autism who after a long time finally got into a relationship. What finally made you click with someone? What did they see in you that they liked?

Like I said it is tough for me because I find so many women I like. Yet they never seem to like me in return. What does it feel like for someone to like you or click with you.

Or am I way off base here. I obviously have zero clue what women are looking for.

Thank you so very much :)

[u/Hot_Huckleberry65666]

Honestly the way you describe falling for women super easily makes me think perhaps they're turned off or scared away because you're showing too much interest too quickly. 

I would certainly doubt someone being genuine if they said they loved me and I still basically saw them as a virtual stranger. The point of dating is going through progressive levels of closeness and seeing common interests and how personality traits mesh. 

It can be hard as an autistic person to want to be 100% real from the start, but even among ND there are reasons it's important to not come on too strongly. it shows awareness and respect. 

I'm curious how well/how long you know these women when you start to feel this way? What exactly are you attracted to? It seems like your interests are not that discerning. Again, if your reasons for liking someone ie. "find what you're looking for in them" is something generic like they're nice to you, they provide something for you, then i would have no interest in daring you. 

People want to be liked for themselves which takes time, not surface level things 

[u/Motor_Feed9945 → u/Hot_Huckleberry65666]

All I know is I am attracted to women. Want to spend as much time with them as possible.

But whatever it is about me they do not like.

Sucks for me. But I hope and pray the right person is out there for me :)

Maybe I fall for someone too easily. But I always have. I am sure I always will.

I just need to find someone who can understand me :)

[u/Autistic_Unicorn-]

My husband was really nervous when we were first dating,  which I thought was adorable.  He was authentic and we just clicked.  He never made me feel like I didn't know where we stood.  As a woman with autism and trauma, I wanted to be loved for me, know the person I was with, and have a real partnership.  He made me laugh and still does.  He made me feel loved, accepted, and safe.  He wants to make me happy, and I love making him happy.  We have fun and have each others' back.  I wanted authentic.  The fact he is cute was icing on the cake.  For me, putting myself out there was the hardest part.  I felt like you did.  Then it just happened.  I wish you so much love and luck!  

[u/Motor_Feed9945 → u/Autistic_Unicorn-]

Thank you :)

And thank you so very much for sharing :)

[u/bumpty]

It’s a numbers game. You gotta get more at bats. There is someone out there for you. Just gotta keep trying.

[u/Motor_Feed9945 → u/bumpty]

Fair enough :)

Thanks :)

[u/iftheronahadntcome]

I think something that could help to ask is what you think "clicking" means? I'm autistic and have dated pretty much only autistic men my entire life, and have autistic male family members. One of them is in the same boat, though he's younger, and I know for him, understanding abstract concepts like "clicking" with people is usually a challenge because he locks onto the idea of that meaning something so specific that he kind of steps on his own feet when it comes to interactions with women.

I've seen text message threads where a woman is very, very clearly openly interested, and because things seem to be going well, he kind of doesn't know how much intensity is normal to have with someone early (he goes by a lot of examples in media like a lot of autistics do) he ends up having these movie-scene like convos with women that put them off.

So that was a long-winded way of asking what you thinking "clicking" looks like to you?

[u/Motor_Feed9945 → u/iftheronahadntcome]

I guess my problem is I like so many women. At least on my end I click when them so quickly and easily. So I know what it looks like on my end.

But no one has ever liked me before. I ask them out, I ask them question, I text, I talk, I invite and they decline inevitably.

I just have no clue what it is like to have someone actually like you and want to spend time with you. There are so many women I have known that I have wanted to spend time with. But none have wanted to spend time with me yet.

So I guess I am curious what it is like for someone to start liking you and wanting to spend time with you :)

[u/Dest-Fer]

I’m trying to express something a bit complicated to word :

You say you fall in love easily, and obviously you are playing nice and do your best to be lovable. Thing is : you sure already have very nice sides, you don’t need to adapt or shape them.

And as a woman, I don’t really like men who fall in love super easily : I want a man who is emotionally available but who will actually fall in love WITH ME as a human and not cause I’m a nice girl.

And I want to fall in love with someone real, strengh but also flaws.

I have tried to be a generic “attractive girl” as you probably try to be a generic attractive guy, displaying traits you believe are being attractive.

But people fall in love with unique flaws and strengh. Better be your weird self and attract THE woman who will love it, than tepidly trying to satisfy “the girls”.

I’ve met my husband at 30, and he was the first person to really appreciate me as me. I know he also really feels appreciate for who he is, the great and the annoying.

We are both autistic (and we found out later in our relationship) and I assume it helps seeing the world the same way, or sharing challenges. We are both easy going but both quite opinionated and blunt, while being very cold (no insults or yell) so we are not “for everyone”, but together, it works.

[u/Motor_Feed9945 → u/Dest-Fer]

I mean I am 38. I have always fallen in love very quickly. It is kind of who I am. I do not think that part of me is ever going to change.

I just need to find the right person for me.

It is obviously a bit more of a struggle for me than for others.

I guess it is a good thing I am such a patient and easy-going guy :)

[u/kgmara0013]

When you find out the answer, let us know because I can barely even get to the friends stage unless the vibe is there, and if it is, it's hard to tell if I should go for it.

[u/Motor_Feed9945 → u/kgmara0013]

Fair enough :) will do.

I say go for it either way.

But I am a bit different :)

Thank you so much.

[u/ericalm_]

It’s a bit hard for me to explain this, or what I know about it, without giving a big long story. I’ll try to condense it.

My wife and I have been together 27 years. I didn’t date, but was more of a serial monogamist. I had relationships. But I’m not some autistic anomaly that’s actually good at this stuff. I cluelessly bumbled my way into things.

My wife and I knew each other about a year and a half before getting together. She has said, “Your game was having no game,” which I think means that not hitting on people or trying to hook up somehow worked for me.

Here’s what I’ve pieced together as far as what clicked (for her): I’m smart and have a dry wit, but can be very funny. My interests are very diverse and I can converse about many things. Some of my interests were surprising. She appreciated some things that (more than 20 years later) we learned were tied to my autism: sense of justice and fairness, highly analytical, hyperempathy, finding different angles and ways of looking at or thinking about things.

I can be quiet, detached, aloof, clueless. So when I start to let someone in, even platonically, I think they know that isn’t something I do easily. Apparently, she realized she liked me after we had a rather serious conversation in which I revealed a lot. This was long before I developed any interest in her. I had no idea.

[u/Motor_Feed9945 → u/ericalm_]

Cool :)

Thank you for sharing.

I guess what is so hard for me is that I have no clue if someone is capable of liking me yet.

I know how much I can like others. But no one has liked me in return. It makes me nervous that no one will ever like me.

That part is very hard on me.

[u/ericalm_ → u/Motor_Feed9945]

How do you know that? I’ve hardly ever known when someone liked me. A couple times, they’ve told me years later, or someone else has told me, and I never suspected.

I think it often takes a lot of variables and conditions aligning to happen. I was often in the right environment and among the right people, but now, as I’m older, I’d have to figure out what those are and how to find them. Instead of looking at or for a person, it would be better for me to look for or create the right conditions that would boost the likelihood of something happening. That is a far less direct approach than others and takes time, but I think it would yield better results than constantly pursuing people until someone gives in or agrees.

[u/Motor_Feed9945 → u/ericalm_]

Thank you :)

And you are right I do not know for certain whether anyone has liked me or not.

I figure I am only after one thing, a romantic relationship. So, I might as well have the courage to be direct and go after it :)

[u/ericalm_ → u/Motor_Feed9945]

Being after that thing is something I don’t really understand. I was never after it, and somehow, that’s how I found it. I don’t even know what useful advice can be derived from that, lol.

But I will say that we need to be able to form relationships and bonds with others without having ulterior motives. Conversing freely, interacting without expectations, having no hidden motives are all important to being able to form a genuine connection when it does happen. Outside of dating apps and situations where it’s explicitly clear that romance is the purpose, it can come across very poorly and be pretty self-defeating, especially if we’re not very socially adept and flexible.

[u/TikiBananiki]

I have found that people like to be complimented and actively listened to. they want to see you get excited and interested when they talk about their life and personhood. they want you to ask questions and deeply listen to answers and mirror back what they say so they know you were listening. they want you to make them feel good and important to you. the minutiae included. that’s when “clicks” happen. in those moments of deep focus on the other person.

[u/Motor_Feed9945 → u/TikiBananiki]

I think I can do my best to listen to others. To understand what other people say.

I worry I might be a little to far out there for people to understand me though. That part makes me nervous. Would be hard for someone to connect with me if I am a bit out there.

I am not sure though. I guess you reach a certain age and you wonder if the click with ever happen to you.

[u/Impossible_Cook_9122]

I had a lot of trouble dating when I was younger. Even with my wife we had met when we were 19 and it didn't work at the time. I was into her but I think I was too boring for her at the time.

But it's really just a matter of finding someone that clicks with you. Sometimes it's the first person and sometimes it's the 200th person

[u/Motor_Feed9945 → u/Impossible_Cook_9122]

Thank you :)

I just hope and pray there is someone for me :)

[u/The_Arbiter_]

You're already off to a flying start to be honest, even though it might not seem so. You are able to click with women fine, so all you need to do is keep doing that, but show that you like them. Unfortunately online dating is where the issues arise, and there's plenty of information online about that already. Most people regardless of sex want someone who makes them laugh and is caring.

The sad reality is that it is all very simple but everyone fails to grasp that due to over complicating things thanks to failure/rejection/doubt.

Hope that helps, because it hasn't for me :D :D

[u/Motor_Feed9945 → u/The_Arbiter_]

Thanks :)

Thank you for sharing.

[u/luis-mercado]

Honestly, I didn’t give a damn. The less you look for it, the less desperate, the vibes get better. Kinda helped me that I always was kinda nihilistic, with a tinge of absurdism, but honestly that’s what I really was; but also took good care of myself: hygiene, dressing —also always had a lot of different interests like art, music, literature so I always had something to chat about. So, that was always a winning combination for me.

Now I’m not that guy anymore, not totally at least. Been happily married for a decade and I softened quite a lot.

[u/Motor_Feed9945 → u/luis-mercado]

Cool :)

I am happy for you.

Thank you for sharing :)

[u/luis-mercado → u/Motor_Feed9945]

Hope you find your formula. But honestly, just don’t force it.

[u/Motor_Feed9945 → u/luis-mercado]

Thank you so much :)