r/AutisticAdults • u/XipeTotecwithGlitter • 21h ago
Am I weird or is this a frustrating interaction to have?
The title says it all. I (25M, autistic) have been corresponding with this guy (late 20s-early 30sM, neurodivergent but I don't know his specific diagnosis) on Telegram. We met at a party two years back. We've been talking on and off and our correspondence came to a head recently. Is it just me or is this person super frustrating?
I don't know and I kinda don't care. But I wanna post the screencaps of our convo here for posterity because I just deleted the conversation on the app. I wanna move on from this person and I just need to capital-v VENT!
But also while I'm at it, have other autistic or neurodivergent adults had odd or frustrating interactions like this with others on the spectrum? I wanna know because I'm just so frustrated.
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u/MilesTegTechRepair 20h ago
I'm quite confused. He's expressing interest in and concern for you and patience, while being clear that he's not good with replying quickly (a boundary I should but fail to express as AuDHD). I'm finding myself more frustrated on his end than yours. On the basis of these texts I did not get the impression he was someone that wanted to hear others' dirty laundry but never share his own. A milder form of that could be true - some people don't want to talk about themselves overly, because they think it's rude or narcissistic (it commonly is), and/or they genuinely take interest in and pleasure from hearing other peoples' deepest personality and want to feel good about being there for them and helping them open up. Maybe he'll open up to you too but feels more comfortable doing so in person, or has his own trust issues with regards to opening up before he hears someone else open up. Which to me would be entirely reasonable and the opposite of selfish.
It seems to me like you'd decided early on that you weren't into your chemistry with him. You've told him to set specific boundaries but a few pages earlier he did in telling you that he wasn't good at responding quickly. He has shared with you what he likes, e.g. animal crossing, day drinking, and finding out about people, and given you opportunity and permission to share e.g. what's been making your week stressful.
I can see some parts of his manner I would find quite condescending (eg i sympathise, you don't have control over it), but I think he's totally justified in being unwilling to define himself for what he perceives as your convenience.
This is probably largely down to a clash of personality, and the fact he found you more interesting than you found him. It's possible he is a little manipulative in wanting 'projects', but I'll be honest - if someone wanted to treat me as a project, and showed as much interest in me as he does, especially without any romantic overtones, I'd be very keen to be a part of that. Anyone here want to treat me as a project?
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u/BookishHobbit 19h ago
Yeah, I agree. I felt like he was being quite honest and accepting and trying to make you feel as comfortable as he could. I didn’t get the sense that he was closed off, and I think him opening up about being a big gamer and sharing animal crossing with you, it felt almost like him wanting to share a special interest.
I see a lot of myself in your answers tbh. I think there were times he was showing an eagerness to get to know you more, but you didn’t notice or reciprocate. I’ve done this a lot, missed the signs.
But as the commenter above me said, it sounds like you just didn’t feel comfortable with him for whatever reason. Probably best for that to become clear now than later though so I wouldn’t overthink it.
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u/S3lad0n 18h ago
The responses of the other guy made me think of my NT zoomer sister, who loves texting me random memes or clips of things she likes, sometimes with no context. I show attention, love and a willingness to share with her by watching and commenting on them in my own time. We're neither of us very emotional or good with long text walls like these two guys, so we share media as a form of bonding.
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u/Zealousideal_Mall409 13h ago
That's me and my 3 best friends... i only really talk to my significant other on a daily basis on text. Just because I have my phone on me doesn't mean I have to engage in conversation if I don't want to.
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u/Alone-Internet-3493 20h ago
this is the reply i agree with! sometimes people just aren’t compatible!!!
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u/lkbird8 16h ago
OP, do you tend to always assume that people don't like you as much as you like them? Sorry if I'm off-base, but that's kind of how these messages read to me and it's something I've struggled with A LOT myself so I totally get it.
I tend to keep my distance from people somewhat because I just automatically assume that no one could actually WANT to be around me or be close to me. Every little thing that happens becomes more "proof" for this belief, and of course, the things that disprove it don't feel nearly as significant or make the anxiety go away.
I've self-sabotaged a ton of potential friendships by always assuming the worst and pulling away/putting up a wall so that the other person isn't given any opportunity to hurt me. But in doing so, I'm actually giving off the impression that I'M the one rejecting them and not interested in getting closer. So naturally, they pull away too and then I'm rejected by default.
And then my brain says "See you were right - no one likes you!", when really it was my own behavior/insecurities that made it happen. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy and it's very hard to get out of that cycle once it starts. I think it's especially hard when you're autistic and already have trouble reading people or a history of being the odd one out.
If that resonates with you at all, one thing my therapist taught me that has helped is to talk myself through what the worst, best, and middle-of-the-road scenarios are - and go all out with it and make the best/worst scenarios really over the top.
Like for example, if you're worried about a big job interview, the absolute BEST case scenario is that you have a perfect answer to every question, everyone in the company is blown away and applauds as you leave, and you're offered an even higher position and a huge pay increase and a corner office. The worst case scenario is that you show up late after falling into a mud puddle, you're laughed out of the building after fumbling every question in front of the CEO, and the interviewer calls your current boss who fires you. The middle-of-the-road scenario is that it's a normal interview, they like you just fine, and maybe you get the job or maybe you keep searching.
Then ask yourself: which of those is actually most likely to happen? Obviously the last one, right?
Basically the exercise kind of tricks your brain into confronting how unrealistic/excessive some of our anxieties can be. Our brains try to "protect" us from rejection or pain by catastrophizing and telling us to keep our guard up at all times or else. But most of the time, the thing we fear doesn't happen and we're much more likely to have a neutral-to-positive experience. I've started doing it before meeting up with people/sending a "risky" text and it really does help me chill out and put it into perspective a bit.
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u/cb_distortion 17h ago
obviously i don’t know the context of y’all’s relationship before these screenshots, but just based on what we have here honestly i don’t see his responses as “putting up walls”. he seemed open and friendly, while some of your messages come across like you’re just waiting for him to tell you he doesn’t like you. that comes across like you have a wall already half built and are just waiting for the go-ahead to close it off. you even tell him not to prioritize your happiness. i understand you were trying to say he doesn’t have to put you above everything else in his life, but like… friends prioritize each others happiness because they genuinely want to. you’re basically asking him to not care about you and then getting upset that you’re not very close.
on slide 12, you talk about not really knowing who this guy is as a person. how much have you asked him questions about his opinions or what he likes? when the topic of animal crossing came up, he seemed excited to talk about it and happy that you were showing curiosity in his interest. more interactions like that are what build a feeling of closeness between friends.
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u/Best-Swan-2412 19h ago
The “no biggie” was clearly a response to you saying “my bad”, and wasn’t indicating that he didn’t want to meet up with you. I think you misinterpreted that and that’s why he thought you’d arranged to meet but you thought he didn’t care.
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u/Knillawafer98 9h ago
I also read it that way, and tbh from the tike of that misunderstanding it seemed like OP gave up trying to make the friendship work and started hyper analyzing, making problems out of basically nothing. Like they even said he didn't respond about being asked about what games he likes but if you look, he literally did respond ans talk about it.
it seems to me OP shut down after the misunderstanding about meeting up in person.
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u/i-contain-multitudes 18h ago
You were both pretty frustrating in this conversation, but I gotta be honest, you were the one driving the conversation to bad places for most of it, not him.
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u/DarkC0ntingency 16h ago
Idk man, if I can be blunt, he seemed like he was just trying to be friendly and you kinda came off a bit antagonistic
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u/TikiBananiki 16h ago edited 16h ago
This person seems very avoidant-type and you’re intense and blunt. They achieve comfort through vagueness, positivism and lack of commitment whereas you achieve comfort through specificity/pedantism, overt labeling and strong commitments. It’s a personality mismatch like you said. I don’t think they were disinterested in spending time with you they just didn’t want to “fuss over the details”. This person seems like someone who is extroverted and willing to spend time with almost anyone, do almost anything, so long as it’s low-cost to them; so if you’re looking for that dopamine hit of like, ‘this person specifically likes me and picked me to spend their time with. i’m building intimacy’, they’re not gonna be able to give that to you. They’ll have lunch with anyone, you could be any Tom Dick or Harry to them.
And there also is a vibe from them of infantilization masquerading as kindness.
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u/autisticasfpodcast 10h ago
YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD. You've an amazing read on people. It is so painful to be an intense+clarity type trying to build with a vague+casual type. What do you make of how the guy ended things with "I'm not reading all that, I'm enjoying outside" and sending pics of his friends and being like "happy birthday btw😂" , like what do you feel that says about him? That was so cruel to me. Curious on your take
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u/Knillawafer98 9h ago
You kinda have to make up your mind. You don't want to talk anymore, but you want to "leave the door open", but then him saying happy bday and you say it's none of his business? to say happy bday? people say that to strangers. it's really bizarre to be that hostile while also saying you want to be friends to not burn bridges at the same time you don't want to talk anymore.
I mean this in the kindest most genuine way possible, if you want to try to build friendships in the future I recommend going to therapy.
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u/StrikingTennis1836 12h ago
This is a frustrating interaction. It seems like assumptions about intentions and the nature of the relationship were the primary friction. You guys acknowledged missed social cues in your interaction, but didn’t attempt to remedy them.
For example, when the lunch plans were misunderstood, he seemed hurt that he kept his schedule open for you with intent to select the restaurant closer to the date (I know lots of ND folks like to plan far in advance to research the menu, but many people like to decide semi-spontaneous based on cravings at the moment). The misunderstanding was acknowledged but new plans weren’t established. Overall the conversation seems more focused on chastising him for failing to meet a set of friendship standards that haven’t been communicated rather than warmly seeking to strengthen the friendship.
I think he perceived a victim complex because you repeatedly point out things that you struggle with but don’t say much about how you can adapt your relationship to work around these challenges, which makes explanations feel more like excuses. It’s good that you understand your limitations, but you must also understand how that could impact others in a hurtful way and how to navigate relationships in a mutually beneficial way.
He lashed out at the end of the convo, but honestly it seems like he tried to offer kindness, patience, and grace to you in every way he knew how and eventually gave up. Many of us here know the struggle of rejection sensitivity and after trying and failing to establish a relationship with you, he probably felt rejected and lashed out accordingly.
TLDR advice: assume positive intent until proven otherwise. when mistakes happen, focus on the solution not the problem
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u/Knillawafer98 9h ago
He seems friendly and interested in getting to know you, and honestly you were putting up walls from the start, telling him basically not to worry about your well being. I understand where that comes from as I also have a lot of issues with anxiety and self worth and I hate people worrying about me, but if you're gonna establish any kind of connection with someone, you have to let them care about you. At no point dis you ever really let your guard down. Then, after a miscommunication about making plans to hang out, it seemed like you completely gave up and took an antagonistic position in the conversation from there on out. You pressed him for answers to questions about himself that he didn't really know how to answer, and had a lot of complaints about your minimal interactions. Seems like if you couldn't let your guard down, you should've let things go much earlier. And the huge wall of text to explain that you don't want to be friends is very intense. If I was him I would've been way more dismissive by that point, or would've already stopped talking to you.
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u/S3lad0n 18h ago edited 18h ago
A good etiquette tip I like for 1-1 private interactions with people one doesn't know very well: never complain, or explain. And keep it brief and impersonal, especially in textual communications. Both parties might do well to remember that.
I'm an autistic and fairly avoidant woman who isn't terribly good at sharing nor communicating in 'normal' ways, and I run into lack of clarity, misunderstandings or awkwardness all the time. All the same: I know and have learned the very basic skill of backing gracefully & tactfully out of a friendship or a conversation, without needing a rude ugly passive-aggressive manifesto or a confrontation about it.
Just make your short polite brush-offs or excuses and ghost, keep it pushing, and let the other person make up their own mind about what went left or right. This shit ain't hard even for autistics, there are no excuses.
And there's no call to hash out semantics or personal flaws with every other person you meet; if you're not vibing, or if they don't get what you're coming from, just let them be great (whether they're in the right or wrong) and go on your way IN SILENCE. Have dignity and respect for your own time and energy as well as everyone else's.
Bonus tip: don't give people a reaction they obviously want, whether passive or aggressive. They feed off it like little energy vampires. They get a little dopamine hit when they parasitically get what they need out of you. It's much more empowering, healthy and fun for you not to give them what they're expecting--especially and even if that's nothing.
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u/cb_distortion 17h ago
100% this. i think this whole interaction would’ve gone a lot better if they approached it in a more lighthearted way. just like “hey, do you consider us close as friends? or do you want to be closer?” without all the rest of… that. paragraphs of text from someone you’re not very close with can easily make a person feel defensive. as for how to reach the point of closeness where you can have direct, serious conversations about the status of your friendship and other deep stuff like that, that’s what small talk is for. chatting about low-stakes things to get a feel for how this person communicates and if you’d be compatible. i just don’t think there’s a good way to talk about communication styles and interpersonal boundaries when you’ve barely communicated at all. like if you really know as little about this person as you’re saying you do, then these deeper topics are at such a level of intensity compared to the rest of your interactions that it’ll drive them away.
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u/chiyukiame0101 4h ago
I’m learning to navigate these interactions myself and have to say this is really useful advice!
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u/autisticasfpodcast 10h ago
And there's no call to hash out semantics or personal flaws with every other person you meet; if you're not vibing, or if they don't get what you're coming from, just let them be great (whether they're in the right or wrong) and go on your way IN SILENCE. Have dignity and respect for your own time and energy as well as everyone else's.
I agree with a lot of this, and it was a painful lesson to learn! This guy didn't earn OPs story, explanation and apology. The intimacy and vulnerability has to be mirrored and the type of connection they had did not 'earn' this kind of energy. There's a brilliant book on how to build trust with another person called The Irreverent Trust Guide and it changed my life. It teaches a person how to gauge when it's time to climb the next rung of intimacy WITHOUT asking "what are we". Mostly because people aren't honest with that question and also actions will most honestly answer that question for you. Painful lessons in relationships but so so so important. I'm glad you're learning them young, OP ❤️ you'll find your people
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u/Zealousideal_Mall409 13h ago
You were giving this poor guy whiplash with your emotional baggage.
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u/nigemushi 13h ago
yeah OP is projecting a lot. Friend picks up on it & asks for good grace, OP goes yeah I get that, I need good grace too... lol.
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u/hunsnet457 20h ago
I can’t explain it but it’s like there’s missing context to their messages that they’re not communicating, or they’re having a portion of this conversation in their own head.
It’s not particularly a bad thing, some people are like that, but I personally would be frustrated by this conversation.
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u/Environmental_Fig933 19h ago
This is what small talk is for. & this is why not giving a shit matters as well. I think he sucks but I don’t think you gave him anything to work with either. In the beginning when you unloaded all that therapy jargon talk about not wanting to burden him & how you’re struggling but it’s your responsibility, that should have been the end of it. That stuff is off putting to people a lot of people (myself included). In the future, I would suggest being honest about your day &/or telling them what you want to tell them instead of what you don’t feel comfortable telling them. No one wants to ask “hey how’s your day going?” & receive a reply that essentially says “bad but I don’t want to burden you with how bad I feel” because then that places the burden on the other person to try to comfort you & convince you you’re not a burden. So instead, I am honest as fuck to people I want to be close friends with & I also don’t talk about stuff I don’t want to talk about. For example, if I don’t want to talk about how horrible my day was I’ll ignore it if I’m mentally not wanting to think about anything else & respond later or I’ll say how horrible it was & ask them about theirs to attempt to commiserate together, or I’ll say something like “it’s over now, hey did you blank” & try to change the subject to a shared interest me & the other person have or see if they’re into what I am & stuff. Life is too short & we’re all going to die soon so I don’t want to waste time with people I can’t be unapologetically myself around.
I don’t think your conversation ever recovered from that first interaction. I think he sucks because he clearly wanted to stop talking to you but didn’t want to be rude & probably felt bad so instead he dragged it out & you sound insecure which just doesn’t help. There is this fine line between over & undersharing. If you overshare you’re going to burn through friends quicker but you’re going to be more likely to find real friends & build connections with people who want to talk how you want to talk & about the things you do & who communicate how you do & it encourages them to overshare & you get to learn about everyone & broaden the experiences you hear about. However over sharing, leaves you vulnerable to abusive behavior so it’s good to have multiple people you can trust who know what’s going on in your life if you can help it or at least places to vent if something feels wrong but you’re not sure why. If you undershare you’ll retain a lot more acquaintance friends but they will feel surface level. But it’s useful to have normal friends for navigating inside of society. I tend to overshare because I don’t care anymore & would rather have a network of weirdo friends who also don’t make eye contact & over share than one where I don’t know how they feel about me.
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u/queenofquery 20h ago
Gonna be honest, stopped reading on slide 12 because yikes. I can't stand people who interact like he does. You all straight forward questions and he acts like he is just too philosophical to answer. I'm glad to see you deleted it; I def think moving on is your best bet. My hope for you is that you can make that call earlier because you deserve connections that aren't so difficult.
I'll say that in the beginning, he was clearly making an attempt to support you and you came off like you were blowing him off. Now I imagine your approach comes from how your interactions have gone in the past, so it made sense once I got further in, but at first I was like, why rebuff his attempts so hard?
As to your question, it's a huge toss up how I'll respond to other ND people. Sometimes we click and sometimes they get on my last nerve. Same as with NTs.
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u/S3lad0n 18h ago edited 18h ago
Some of my worst detractions and interactions have been with other ND people, especially autistic-to-autistic. It never seems to go well for me, so I stick to NT people where possible and just put up with the difference chasm.
This type of madness is also why I don't attend autistic-only support groups or clubs. While it might theoretically be nice to have other ASD friends, ultimately I am protecting my peace and therefore I do not want this nonsense adding stress to my life. It's hard enough putting up with myself.
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u/slybitch9000 2h ago
OP, i get where you are coming from, but i felt more frustrated for other person than you. general rule of thumb: if someone is consistently reaching out and asking you about things, that is an invitation for building some kind of friendship or relationship. i understand why you were defensive, but it was the wrong way to go here. right off the bat, you answered a direct question concerning your state of being with an insistence that they don't have the responsibility to mind you... well, the thing about being friends is, they will mind you and care for you even when it's inconvenient.
you are outright projecting when you say that the responses to you getting to know them better are cold. i feel bad for this chap, and for you, but one poor interaction doesn't mean the rest will go this way. live and learn from it. i myself have had communication issues with others on the spectrum before, but the key to figuring things out is remaining curious and open.
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u/soggycedar 1h ago
OP was right to point out that the other person was not being genuine and to ask for more honesty. He never got any. When he made many attempts to set up a meetup, which were all rejected, it’s pure manipulation to keep saying “yeah I wanna hang out” and refuse to make ANY effort to make it happen, then gaslight OP about it once it’s passed.
They use any of OPs misunderstandings against them at every opportunity. This is the kind of person who “studies psychology” just to toy with people. Getting OP to trust him was just a fun game.
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u/kewpiesriracha 1h ago
He sounded okay, but you sounded really intense, overly assuming, demanding, and often condescending.
Some of your accusations didn't make sense with the messages he sent to you. Your observations often directly contradicted what he directly told you, and you demanded a definition of your rapport before actually building that rapport at all. You accused him of not opening up to you without actually asking anything specific to him yourself, and focused on your past experiences with others to define this one before it even started or had enough time to brew. There was more than a hint of self-victimization throughout the exchange.
I felt the frustration from his end more than from yours. It seemed like he really was trying to be open, honest, and accommodating as much as he could. But you kept questioning his honesty or demanding a more detailed answer, which people can't always give.
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u/Southagermican Autistic and exhausted 1h ago
I don't want to pretend to know anything about you OP, but I sense that you unintentionally sabotaged that friendship out of the fear of rejection. I'm not the best reader of people's intentions, but I thought he was friendly and open, just in an aloof and relaxed way, and you interpreted this as a clear and absolute sign that he didn't like you, even after he specifically told you that this was not the case.
I wonder to what extent past trauma from a lifetime of being "othered" and disliked (which, I confess, I am projecting) has caused you to act this... "intense", or maybe insecure, to the point of being antagonistic to someone who's just trying to chill with a friend. And you were that friend, OP, he even asked you a couple of times how to best support you in your needs. In your eagerness to get assurances from him and avoid being misunderstood, you ended up driving him away and misunderstanding him.
Sometimes the best and most understanding friend you can find will be another neurodivergent person, but sometimes you will just end up triggering each other. I've been in your proverbial shoes, OP. I've driven away friends out of the insecurities dragged from previous lost friendships, some my fault, some theirs, some neither. I don't know if you are doing therapy, but this is one of the issues that I'm personally addressing in therapy now. I hope things get better for the future.
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u/PrimaryCertain147 12h ago
Dude, what do you want? Are you into this guy as more than a friend? It comes off that way to me, but I don’t know if that’s true. Also - is this guy’s first language English or no, because some of the wording he uses made me wonder if he’s full of himself or maybe if it’s as simple as English not being his first language. As the conversation escalated, it just felt to me like you’re looking for more emotional investment from this guy than is typical between two straight guys. I’m not straight myself, so maybe I’m projecting.
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u/wishesandhopes 17h ago
This dude is really pretentious, you may have misunderstood a couple things like the making plans but he's acting like a pretentious asshole 100%, definitely avoid this person
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u/Dest-Fer 4h ago
Tbh, I’d be that guy, I would have turn you down earlier.
I hate people having expectations towards me from start cause I will disappoint them and I know I will endure their vocal disappointment, WHEN I NEVER ASK FOR ALL THAT DRAMA.
I also find it very rude and agressive when people dumping trauma on me, without asking first, just because I look nice and open. I feel like their emotional potty and that’s it. For me, being forced into interaction I didn’t actively seeked or engaged in is so violent it gives me anxiety and even meltdown. So this is even not the “representation of NT world” but the “autistic person” speaking.
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u/iridescent_lobster 3h ago
I agree it’s a personality mismatch but I find it inconsistent with the bluntness of your responses in the thread that you did not just say that to begin, since you seem to have already known. He seemed like he was open to hanging out and wanted to see where it went without over analyzing and because you kept engaging, he assumed you were also interested in hanging out. Then it turned into a very exhausting text exchange.
I don’t understand his overuse of LOL, though. I genuinely have never gotten why people do that because it often seems rude and dismissive, though I don’t read his intention as that.
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u/Purple_Source8883 20h ago
Not weird and totally valid to be frustrated. While I get not really feeling confident when assessing levels of friendships either - he could've at least answered what he wanted out of the relationship without putting a label to it. (Like through the examples you gave, like being interesting in getting to know eachother more, etc)
Also, I find it weird that they say you are making assumptions, when their response to why they don't ask anything about you is "I studied psychology so I learn a lot just from our interactions" aka I'm assuming who you are based on how you communicate.
Anyway, no. If anything be glad it ended there and not further down the line because wtf.
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u/i-contain-multitudes 17h ago
But they don't need to have studied psychology to know OP didn't want to reveal deeper things about themselves. OP literally says it in the conversation and then gets mad that their conversation partner isn't asking them questions.
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u/Purple_Source8883 17h ago edited 17h ago
Edit: I fucked up and didn't fully read your comment, nvm.
But just want to add, their psychology comment was two weeks later & in response to why they don't ask questions about OP.
I think it's valid for OP to not go deep into their issues with someone relatively new to them. I also think people can ask about other people to get to know them without expecting that person to be extremely vulnerable about things they struggle with too.
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u/wishesandhopes 17h ago
Yeah the studied psychology line was funny, maybe if they actually understood what they supposedly studied they'd realise how much of a weirdo jerk they're being, refusing to answer any questions or clarify anything by acting as if they're somehow above all of that, yet they ask some of those same questions to OP. A strange, shitty person that I'd avoid like the plague.
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u/autisticasfpodcast 10h ago
Sorry, I can imagine that felt sucky. What I'm seeing:
- Difference in communication styles
- I did feel you misunderstood / misread him as being disinterested in meeting up. But that points back to 1
He was treating you like a project and that's no spirit to start a mutual friendship in, so you dodged a bullet. It would have ended in some months or years EXACTLY how it did in the texts : him feeling you're ungrateful for his "help" and that you're entitled. People who see other people as projects (which I have done before!!) cultivate enotioanlly unbalanced dynamics. It always blows up. His vibe at the end was horrible - that's him with the mask off. No kindness, dismissive and insulting! The pics of friends was fucked up, why rub your nose in it? I'd stay away from him.
For me I've had to learn people who are pressed by my asking for clarity just aren't for me. Direct, clear comms and matched enthusiasm is a must. Doesn't mean someone's right and someone's wrong, more that you're clearly incompatible. And you spotted that! Which is great
If I were you, in the future a difference in comms style is enough to rule out a friendship. Alternatively, I know some friends are just better over the phone or in person and so I don't put too much weight in how misunderstood we both are over text. I also think you misreading his interest might come from some of your own wounding perhaps? Could be good to reflect on why you read him as uninterested in hanging out. I think it's mostly a comms thing, like I think you too his aloofness literally. Which makes me circle back to the idea that if you have clashing comms, you're not compatible. Sorry for your frustration! You'll find your people though
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u/sicksages 19h ago
This guy is a red flag express.
>> You ask if he considers you a friend, he says sure but then says that you're about as close to him as a stranger he meets at a bus stop
>> He tries pressuring you to vent to him
>> Instead of brushing off your India joke, he decides to react with two different awkward memes which give off passive aggressive vibes
>> Doesn't even try to make plans with you but then gets upset because they assumed yall were still going to lunch (even though you didn't set a time OR a restaurant)
>> Dude pretends to be "woke" and "deep" while looking and talking like a fool
>> He then tries to say that YOU'RE the problem... Nothing you did or said was even remotely rude. All you were trying to do was get some clarifications and he refused to answer.
>> "Yea I'm not reading all that."
>> "You have my sympathy for going through life like this!" I'm pretty sure this wording was on purpose considering you asked him not to sympathize you and he refused to respect that boundary. That was just him shoving it in your face again.
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u/VladSuarezShark 17h ago
I agree with your summary of red flags.
However, I think if they'd have somehow pencilled in a timeslot for the weekend plans, then could have met up to talk and hang out in real life, where the interaction shouldn't have gone so pear shaped. I think this is the main area where OP was struggling, in how to line up a loose hang out and go with the flow.
People who use those obnoxious passive aggressive memes probably are just mistranslating their real life non verbal communications. In real life, it comes across differently, and they can adjust in real time to avoid causing offence, plus we might not even notice in real life.
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u/sicksages 16h ago
Idk, OP tried doing that and he refused to even participate. If I ask someone to make plans for me and they blow it off then it's on them, not me.
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u/thereadingbee 9h ago
Frustrating from his point of view.. did you talk about anything other than how you felt when he was quite clear in how he felt/who he was?
He seems to be more free impulsive nature than yourself and doesn't want to rehash the same old.
You're messages kept reading as I don't want to be friends for ages. But if I kept getting the long and same messages 9ver and over questioning if we're friends or not I'd be annoyed lol
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u/0RedStar0 16h ago
Some people just aren't compatible and that's okay! Him not wanting to read the many messages you sent, and being dismissive of your feelings was not okay. It seemed very rude and like he was "showing off" being out with "real" friends. Because that's how I interpreted his last messages. He's out living "his life" with his "real friends" and you need to get "your own life." I also caught an undercurrent tone of "I'm better than you" in many of his responses to you, OP. Maybe I'm reading between the lines too much (have a tendency of doing that since it's how most of us have to survive in a NT world but) all this is to say, I'm sorry this ended up becoming a stressful connection for you. It's very hard making friends when you're an adult, with all the unspoken rules, the different neuro-types, cultures, careers, etc etc etc! It's all very overwhelming and one of the many reasons why I rarely talk to anyone.
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u/nowimhaunted 20h ago
Idk but I don’t like how he left you in the end. “I’m not reading all that” and “ok I’m going to hang out with MY FRIENDS now” 🙄
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u/bubblegumpunk69 17h ago
Meh, I disagree. OP was coming off as really hostile and mean at certain points in this. If someone was being a jerk to me out of nowhere I wouldn’t be reading all that either
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u/nowimhaunted 16h ago
That’s fair (though I don’t agree that OP was being mean necessarily). But it’s the fact that the other person felt the need to say that (that he was going to ignore what OP had sent him). He clearly only said that because he felt some type of way and wanted OP to feel some type of way too.
ETA: changed some wording
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u/zodiacqu33n 16h ago
Sorry I didn’t have the time to go through all of it. Can you give me a TLDR version? I was like 8 slides in and not getting the memo.
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u/manicpixiedreamdom 34m ago
Y'all are both frustrating as hell. His indirect answers are annoying, same with the whole "I don't gatekeep friends" thing. Someone you met at the bus stop one time is an acquaintance at most, not a friend. There's a difference. And yes, def some condescension in the end. You're being aggressive right out the gate, blasting him with questions, not giving any info of your own and then accusing him of expecting one sided sharing.
So yeah fair enough to just call it.
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u/RandomLifeUnit-05 16h ago
This guy definitely annoyed me too. He seems to want to avoid telling you anything about himself, yet doesn't like that you're keeping your feelings to yourself? Strikes me as someone who wants to be someone's knight in shining armor without investing anything personal of themselves.
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u/Disastrous-Whale564 7h ago
It can be frustrating to get something that you have already believed that you cant get from most other people and to have someone give you the freedom to be yourself and not need anything else from you can bring up emotions, do you wish that you could get these types of interactions from people who are actually close to you from people you actually care about?
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u/Autumn-Addict 19h ago
I don't think you're weird, but I do think you misread the guy. I think he sounded friendly towards you, he did in fact make plans with you, he just didn't want to decide where to go or what to do so early on. But he was kind and relaxed, you were intense