r/MurderedByWords • u/Cracked_and_breaking • Jan 23 '20

Murder Holy hell! Call the morgue

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132.6k Upvotes

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406

u/DOPEDupNCheckedOut Jan 23 '20

One time when my dad was telling me to get my shit together he was like " you can't just sit up in your room pulling your pud all day" and I gotta say I was not expecting it lol

208

u/ghstrydr01 Jan 23 '20

One time when my dad was trying to explain puberty to me he said, "son, masturbation will make you go blind."

I replied, "dad, I'm over here."

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u/[deleted] Jan 23 '20 edited Jan 31 '20

[deleted]

4

u/ms_marc_stavingrad Jan 23 '20

hey-ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

5

u/Chuuubawca Jan 23 '20

I’d give you gold if I could my dude!

162

u/SubcommanderMarcos Jan 23 '20

Pulling your pud

119

u/DOPEDupNCheckedOut Jan 23 '20

Absolutely hilarious tbh. He's such a reserved guy I thought I heard his voice crack when he said it and he was like 60 at the time haha

31

u/SubcommanderMarcos Jan 23 '20

Absolutely amazing

27

u/reyean Jan 23 '20

An oldie but a goodie

3

u/SixIsNotANumber Jan 23 '20

It's an older chode, but it checks out...

34

u/[deleted] Jan 23 '20

My dad during a completley unrelated argument said " oh shut up you wanker all you do is sit in your room watching porn and toss off all day".

It was then I realised I was naive thinking incognito mode would save me with the fact that my dad, a windows specialist that was working for a company doing user/ network monitoring , knew exactly what i was doing on the computer he gave me.

12

u/DOPEDupNCheckedOut Jan 23 '20

Oh god, that's awful haha . I was always concerned that the porn websites I found (which were mostly just like a series of likely malware popups) were going to start like... Sending me flyers in the mail or something. I'd just lay in bed worrying myself sick.. being horny makes you dumb no doubt lol. Also before incognito mode I used the fucking search function on the toolbar.. which did not have a findable clear button so uh... I blamed it on our house sitter...

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u/JGH75 Jan 23 '20

I said something similar but much nicer to my son and his friend when they was visiting, somehow he got so offended he cut contact with me...That`s now 3-4 years ago.

7

u/DOPEDupNCheckedOut Jan 23 '20

I'm sorry to hear that. I knew it came from a place of love but I definitely knew I wasn't sitting in my room literally jerking off all day lol. I eventually HAVE gotten my shit together but it took like ten years. Hopefully he's out there doing okay. I wonder why he got so offended. Maybe he misunderstood or something. Are you sure it was much nicer?

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u/JGH75 Jan 23 '20

Just sensitive after me divorcing his mother, still waiting for him to forget :)

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u/DOPEDupNCheckedOut Jan 23 '20

Oh man. Yeah that's a tough position. He'll never forget. Maybe forgive tho. I believe someone said "no happy marriage ends in divorce" so I mean you had to do what was right for you. It's hard to cope with that as a child though because obviously you want your parents to be happy with eachother but often times that's simply not possible. Idk. Definitely a sensitive subject Though. Good luck!

5

u/Bamres Jan 23 '20

Too much Pud

1

u/CrazePredator4 Mar 18 '20

“You didn’t say there was custard”😂

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u/AllMitchedUp Jan 23 '20

My dad walked in on me. "God dammit, put a fuckin sock on the door!" That's all I got.

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u/DOPEDupNCheckedOut Jan 24 '20

Thankfully I don't think anyone has ever walked in on me masturbating other than my college roommate