r/adhdwomen • u/jordsss17 • Jan 16 '25
Celebrating Success helping my partner understand me
I recently made a visual for my wife of what an ADHD morning routine looks like. Each number is a new task initiation for an ADHD brain which is related to executive functioning. i then put it next to what her brain looks like in the morning so she could compare. i then put it side by side with the order in which these tasks are usually completed and how difficult it is to initiate 124 tasks in just an hour. maybe this will help others and their partners if they are struggling to explain it.
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u/DisgruntledTortoise ADHD-PI Jan 16 '25 edited Jan 17 '25
Just reading your partners 10 tasks made me feel the 124
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u/pfifltrigg undiagnosed Jan 17 '25
I personally wouldn't have the patience or time to write out the task list like OP did but I agree that the list on the right feels overwhelming on its own. I don't think I really mentally break out tasks the way OP does, but I can still feel the overwhelm of getting 10 things done before leaving.
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u/jordsss17 Jan 17 '25
i was medicated when i wrote this so hyper focus. also the part about wanting to help my partner understand because she really wants to and that’s important to both of us.
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u/Happy_Statement Jan 17 '25
When I saw this list I was like “omg how even did they type all of this…. Oooooooh {remembers myself hyper focused and typing an essay the other day that I could NOT stop writing UNTIL it was FINISHED - thank god for the influence of medication ❤️ I love what you’ve done here tho. Amazing. Thanks for sharing.
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Jan 17 '25
Aww give Ginny treats!!! That’s so sweet! Good on your partner for putting on sunscreen. 👍
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u/Fear_The_Rabbit Jan 17 '25
But who is Kevin???
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u/jordsss17 Jan 17 '25
my cat 😂
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u/ipaintbadly AuDHD Jan 17 '25
I have a cat named Kevin too!! He’s an almost 9 1/2 year old void. :)
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u/Purplekaem Jan 17 '25
This actually looks like me when something tweaks my “sense of justice” nerve. Like, “I will give you no room to say you don’t get it. You CAN get it, you CHOOSE to pretend I’m making it up. I also have a petty streak, I suppose.
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u/overthinkeverything- Jan 17 '25
This has been a day and my sense of justice nerve was definitely tweaked. I unloaded on a bully in the most professional, yet still very straightforward way. I, too, have a petty streak. Solidarity in pettiness.
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u/OneMoreDog Jan 17 '25
“I don’t get it” is such a cop out. No questions. Just “nah”.
(“I don’t get it yet - can you try again” sounds like OPs wife. Love that. Yes please let me hyper focus on helping you get it.)
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u/NS_Accountant Jan 17 '25
I tried to explain it to my boss, two different ones. Just explaining this “easy” task is going to take me several hours versus a neurotypical who can do it much faster. Im better at problem solving and efficiency improvements. I didn’t refuse to do it. I just wanted to set the expectation for turnaround time.
The first one was angry and said something about me thinking that I’m too good to do it. Like I think I'm above doing those tasks which I'm not…
The second one said “well yeah I’d love to just work on the stuff that’s interesting all day too.”
I have to work on some responses to those. 😅 I just gave up. These are usually one off tedious tasks. So I can’t get my brain to engage with it because there are no improvements to make in the process because it’s only once.
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u/teriyakichicken Jan 17 '25
This list stresses me the fuck out. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and my therapist suggested task lists like this. The task of making the task list was too overwhelming and stresses me the fuck out. Idk….lists just don’t compute for my brain (unless it’s a very short list).
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u/dngrousgrpfruits Jan 17 '25
I exist in a cute little tornado of feeling like I can't do anything until I make a list like this, then when I sit down to do it I forget everything ever. So fun!
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u/ChaosCoordinator3566 ADHD-PI Jan 17 '25
This is me! I’ll have a mental brainstorm of EVERYTHING I need to do and put on to a list. 2.5 seconds later I sit down to make said list and my mind goes completely blank. Fun times.
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u/fruiting_bodies Jan 17 '25
I try to avoid AI, but the website goblin.tools has a Magic ToDo list where it can break down tasks into a list of steps and you can break down individual steps to be more detailed as needed.
It can be really helpful when I feel overwhelmed and don’t know where to start, plus it’s free!
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u/NS_Accountant Jan 17 '25
I’ve tried to write out detailed lists like this so every little task I can check off as an accomplishment. But turns out I get completely overwhelmed looking at it this way. 😅 I stick to the shorter lists now. I don’t always do them though. 😕
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u/Weird_Squirrel_8382 Jan 16 '25
I get annoyed with my partners "simple lists" because I know they're more than he thinks, and I have to take the brain juice to consider it
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u/Maddy_egg7 Jan 16 '25
THIS.
I had four tasks on a to do list yesterday (clean kitty litter stations, clean out a backpack, fix an outdoor spigot, clean up my laundry) They took me four hours. Part of that was due to all the steps involved and also getting distracted along the way and finding more tasks to do. Unfortunately for my partner, I was hangry and exhausted when he got home because I didn't eat and instead did all of the tasks.
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u/jordsss17 Jan 16 '25
yes that’s exactly it. it’s really hard to articulate how hard these things are, because once i do, it usual comes out with emotion first and then i feel defeated. so this visual was helpful for me & for her!
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u/Maddy_egg7 Jan 16 '25
Yes, I love this idea! I literally told him last night that I wasn't mad at him, I was just mad that I couldn't complete all of the tasks AND think about what to have/prepare for dinner.
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u/chocobicloud Jan 17 '25
God I feel that to my core 😭 I have lists for both work (self employed) and home tasks, I get through them thinking I’m being productive (forgetting how many times I’ve gotten distracted along the way). Then look at the clock and somehow the entire day has gone by and I’ve gotten 3 tasks done and completely skipped eating, going to the bathroom, or drinking any water because I was either hyperfocused or thought that taking 5 seconds to drink water would throw off my groove. At the end of the day I think I’m really just mad that time exists lol
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u/other-words Jan 17 '25
“I’m really just mad that time exists” is an amazing summary of at least half the adhd symptoms lol
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u/worrieddaughterX Jan 17 '25
This is EVERYTHING!! My perfect world would be just following my interests and also doing "the things", but it would just sorta flow & get done & their wouldn't be any consequences for the TIME PENALTIES!
OR, if I had the money. A kind & patient neurotypical assistant that just handled all the mundane stuff. That would be an absolute dream!
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u/jordsss17 Jan 17 '25
i keep a clock literally everywhere in my house. even in the bathroom so i can see it when i shower because TIME BLINDNESS
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u/MerryJanne Jan 17 '25
That's why I wear my watch in the shower. I've even set alarms so I don't get too distracted planning world peace with the shampoo bottle.
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u/ipaintbadly AuDHD Jan 17 '25
I listen to music and try to keep track of how many songs I’ve listened to.
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u/MerryJanne Jan 17 '25
I just end up having a concert in the shower, and before I know it 40 minutes have gone by and the hot water tank is empty.
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u/Chobitpersocom Jan 17 '25
I had a list of step-by-step what to do when I walked into the office and can't function yet.
Open Teams
Open Outlook
Look at notepad
Respond
Check schedule for the day
Eat...
Start
At some point, I wake up and go "oh."
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u/ch3rryc0deine ADHD-C Jan 16 '25
lucky pets getting fed twice in the morning! /s
literally i could not relate more. i had a meltdown in therapy about how showers felt like 100 steps. starting meds has reduced it to like, 50. which is huge. but it’s still hard!
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u/jordsss17 Jan 17 '25
I HATE SHOWERING and i always have. i get out of the shower and someone says “don’t you feel so good?” im like no im fucking exhausted.
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u/serenity1989 Jan 17 '25
Me too!! I hate being wet because there’s just so much shit I have to do immediately after to get back to normal. It’s a fucking CHORE. I was off work the week of Christmas and new years and I’m pretty certain I showered twice. That’s about all I can muster unless I’m dripping in sweat from the gym
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u/Purplekaem Jan 17 '25 edited Jan 17 '25
And only because dripping from the gym is a more unpleasant wet.
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u/serenity1989 Jan 17 '25
100%. But getting out of gym clothes is annoying cause they’re so tight, so I end up sitting around for an hour til I can talk myself into getting up and showering lol
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u/eggelska Jan 17 '25
real. it's so fucking much!! honestly the only thing that has helped me with it was cutting all my hair off. i didn't do it for ADHD reasons, so the first shower afterwards was mind blowing. everyone was like "what, 14 inches???" "noo it was so beautiful" "now you look like a boy" etc etc, and i was dancing around like, you guys don't get it! I'M FREE!
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u/International_Elk425 AuDHD Jan 17 '25
Man, I sure do love my hair but sometimes I'm super tempted to just chop it all off. Long curly hair + ADHD = a seemingly insurmountable task
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u/eggelska Jan 17 '25
I hear you. mine is thick and wavy, it took hours to dry. maybe consider an undercut? my partner (also ND) has so much hair, all 3A curls. their undercut was completely invisible with hair down, but it really cut down on wash/dry time.
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u/redpinkflamingo Jan 17 '25
Fucking exhausted and WET to boot. I hate wet feet. I hate wet hair. I hate wet body. Fucking showers.
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u/honey_butter_toast Jan 17 '25
for me it’s the part before the shower where i think about how many steps there are and how utterly BORING showers are. PLUS all the steps that are necessary after getting out. and then i actually do it and its not as bad as my brain tricks me to think it is.
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u/Historical_Bed_15 Jan 17 '25
Wanted to say the exact same thing but no energy to type .so thank you !
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u/honey_butter_toast Jan 17 '25
aw i’m glad. i feel you though. i’ll think of responses to reddit posts and then it’ll seem like so much to type out and so i rarely end up commenting. or i start writing a response and get too distracted trying to edit it (like rn) so annoying.
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u/red_raconteur Jan 17 '25
Last night my husband asked "How was your shower?" and I legit growled at him lol. I'd had a 10 hour work day and was spent.
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u/MonopolowaMe Jan 17 '25
I have to take a shower tonight and I’m dreading it. No amount of nice smelling soaps and shampoos can make want to shower.
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u/Foreign-Cookie-2871 Jan 17 '25
This is why my shower list is
Turn on water Get undressed Get in shower If needed wash hair: * shampoo * conditioner * detangle hair
Wash face Wash body Wash parts If hair washed, rinse hair
Contemplate being under the water forever to enjoy the heat and the massage
Turn off water Put on towel Put slippers on (plastic, feet dry themselves)
I don't shave daily (nor every time I take a shower) and I usually don't have to think about all these steps, which helps a lot (the actual steps I have to think about are: get in shower, wash hair if needed, wash body, enjoy the heat, get out).
My evening routine feels much heavier even though it's only three steps: wash teeth, wash privates, put on pajamas
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u/duffy__moon Jan 17 '25
Part of the reason I shower at night is because it makes me tired. That and washing the sheets is a massive undertaking for me, so showering at night helps postpone that a little bit longer.
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u/astrowifey Jan 17 '25
finally someone that gets me! "isn't is nice to feel clean though?" yeah sure, but now I need to not do anything for two hours
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u/HerdingCatsAllDay Jan 17 '25
I started deciding taking a break to lie down for 5 minutes after the shower is part of taking a shower. And also I usually shower at night because then I can just go to bed after I dry my hair.
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u/BluejayEvening4465 Jan 17 '25
found this subreddit and love feeling validated by things i thought i was crazy for feeling, i literally can only do one task in the shower, even then sometimes i just stand there for ten minutes and get out 😭 not to mention getting ready to have a shower in the first place!
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u/These-Ad2374 Jan 17 '25
Omg yeah the getting ready to shower!!!!! My brain needs multiple hours to mentally prepare to shower, even though the shower itself is usually only 15-20 minutes!! Many such cases
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u/jordsss17 Jan 17 '25
hahaha nice catch! pets get fed once but inconsistent who does it. mostly me!
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u/ch3rryc0deine ADHD-C Jan 17 '25
haha i figured so but eh. my dog gets fed twice some mornings because me and my mom forget tot elk each other she’s already had breakfast 😅
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u/kirbyatemysocks Jan 16 '25
this is an amazing visual representation of my thought process too! I love the "shave one leg" and "shave the other leg" lol, I've absolutely only shaved one leg before and forgot the other 😅
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u/Significant_Ad_8939 Jan 17 '25
But each leg has at least 5 areas to address ... I can't just lump it all into "one leg"!
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u/kirbyatemysocks Jan 17 '25
omg so true, I have "long skirt shave" which is just below the knee, "short skirt shave" which includes the knees, and "swimsuit shave" which includes the thighs and.... anything else that might be poking out 😂
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u/double_sal_gal Jan 17 '25
Last week I realized while putting on deodorant that I had only shaved one armpit 🙃
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u/cat_catcity Jan 17 '25
Right? I can’t even remember how many times I’ve only shaved a shin or a knee and didn’t realize until I put on lotion or a skirt 😂
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u/jennxiii Jan 17 '25
oh man i do it by which hand is holding the razor. i shave in the shower with foot propped up on corner of tub. so i do:
(bad phone formatting incant fix sorry)
.5. lather all legs knees down (just plain old bar soap) 1. shave right side of left leg (razor in right hand-RH) 2. shave right side of right leg (RH) 2.5. lather all legs knees down again 3. shave left side of left leg (LH) 4. shave left side of right leg (LH)
Because of the smallness of my tub/shower and plumpness of lower gut, i have to bend in all the correct ways and switch hands and corners of the tub i put my foot on to be able to see what im doing.
i fucking hate shaving
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u/scully3968 Jan 17 '25 edited Jan 17 '25
This is such an accurate depiction of what it feels like to have executive dysfunction.
I was trying to explain to my mother why organizing exhausts me. Where people without this dysfunction can look at a pile of crap and see two or three categories of stuff, I look at it and it fragments into a million separate categories, and mixing any two categories and putting them in the same place will bother me. It's very hard to explain!
If I want to clean, I have to find a place for X, which involves deciding where it should go, cleaning out that place, finding new homes for the stuff already there, maybe sorting through that junk and throwing out what isn't needed, then possibly finding containers for the place, getting sidetracked when going to find containers because I need to haul the ladder out and root around in the shelves, then I forget what I was doing and wander off for a moment in search of my phone, then I have to pee and the dog needs a walk and I come back in and I'm exhausted and decide to take a break...
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u/aloneinmyprincipals Jan 17 '25
Honestly wow, I thought this was just me, and I get upset that my partner doesn’t appreciate how hard I worked, when on paper… I did 3 things
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u/jordsss17 Jan 17 '25
this is another great example! if i put something somewhere that makes sense to my brain and it’s in the same place each time, then my partner moves it somewhere which usually makes more sense, i become overwhelmed that i’ve misplaced it and have a very hard time visualizing another place it could be.
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u/aloneinmyprincipals Jan 17 '25
Everything needs a home, you both decide, scissors are in the “cabinet” and if they are found randomly, put them there. If you lose them, look there
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u/wasted-potential- Jan 17 '25
this. everything is connected, and therefore doing things "little by little" is impossible, so it must all be at once, except that is overwhelming and also impossible, and so how are you supposed to do anything? 😭
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u/Adventurous_Work_824 AuDHD Jan 16 '25
Yesterday my husband came into the bedroom while I was getting dressed at a point where I was stopping to ask myself what I was doing. And he said, you're getting dressed that's obvious. And I had to tell him that I was trying to sort out what order to do things in. He tells me that's easy, underwear first and then clothes over top, again obvious. So I tell him we'll its not because I need to put lotion on my feet and then socks but I also need something from the bathroom so what order do I do that in etc.
Then he tells me it's exhausting being me. Ya think?!?! Nothing that seems easy is easy, it's a multi step process and every step needs consideration. That's why it's so hard being neurodivergent!!!
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u/jordsss17 Jan 17 '25
yes that’s exactly right! which is also why i end up making part of my coffee wearing one sock with my hair half straightened, one earring in, and mascara on one eye.
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u/LK_Feral Jan 17 '25
You started all that before making coffee?
I'm impressed.
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u/International_Elk425 AuDHD Jan 17 '25
I'm more impressed she straightenes her hair! That's one task that I don't think I'll ever be able to make myself do on a regular basis
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u/aloneinmyprincipals Jan 17 '25
Oh wow I feel seen here!! I’m always plotting how to do things in one trip even if it makes no sense to put everything down for a sec to grab another thing
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u/Inevitable-While-577 Jan 17 '25
The order of doing things is one of the most difficult things!!!!!
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u/kyl_r You don’t get to know the poop, babe Jan 17 '25
On the wrong day if I forget the lotion step, or just forget to bring in something (like socks lotion bra or whatever), I will LITERALLY have a mini emotional breakdown. Especially if it’s cold or I know someone is waiting for their turn
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u/terracottatown Jan 17 '25
I once explained to my partner how my ADHD and OCD work in my brain and he just looked at me in shock and said “that sounds exhausting.” I’d never thought about it that way before so I give myself a little grace now when tasks take me longer than other people. Still working on the self hatred but it’s helped me reframe!!
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u/Adventurous_Work_824 AuDHD Jan 17 '25
Yeah in some ways it feels a little validating. Like its not just that life feels harder for me it really is harder.
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u/eeelisabeth Jan 17 '25
“It must be exhausting being you” My ex would say that to me very often, and it made me feel so unsupported and othered. I hope your partner is saying it in a more playful way! Neurotypical people can sometimes be so impatient or annoyed with the way our brains work :(
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u/Adventurous_Work_824 AuDHD Jan 17 '25
Absolutely! We've been together 12 years but I've unmasked more with him in the past couple years so things like this are things he's actually just learning. I wasn't intentionally masking with him either it's just what I was used to doing I guess. He's a super supportive partner, I'm lucky.
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u/sadgirlsclub2 Jan 17 '25
you forgot the step where you dissociate for 20 mins before you can start actually showering
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u/leenz7 Jan 17 '25
I now just treat my brain like a 3 year old. “Okay and now we dry dry dry the plate, yes open cabinet, place plate right there, close cabinet, yes that’s right” I say this out loud. It’s glorious.
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u/BluejayEvening4465 Jan 17 '25
constantly talk to myself whenever i'm doing a manual task! makes it more fun !!! had flatmates walk into the kitchen while stood alone talking to myself lmao
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u/olive_dix Jan 18 '25
I'll usually make a little song about it. But then the song becomes too fun and the task disappears. So three hours later I'm still singing "put your wallet in your pocket! And put on your top hat!" as Im walking through the freezing cold without a hat and realize ah fuck! I left my wallet at home! Lmao
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u/AccomplishedLuck370 ADHD-C Jan 16 '25
just imagine adding !three! meal preparations to the list 😩
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Jan 17 '25
yknow sometimes i’m thinking “i don’t think i operate the same way other adhd people do… i don’t think i have this task problem?” but then i remember last week i almost tried to put on my shoes and coat to leave the house in my sports bra and jeans in -17°C because i didn’t actively think about all of my steps of getting dressed and ended up forgetting to put on my shirt.
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u/jordsss17 Jan 17 '25
yes exactly!
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Jan 17 '25
it’s like i definitely still have the same issue! but it’s not as active of a thought process for me because i don’t realize what i have or haven’t done until i THINK the task is complete. and then i realize all the steps i missed 😭
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u/beaglemaniaa Jan 17 '25
honestly switching to fewer layers was such a life saver for me. but it does require the “my sports bra thing is totally a shirt” confidence that took time.
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u/SkyeeORiley Jan 17 '25 edited Jan 17 '25
I tried to basically explain this to most people lol.
I got a Karcher floor cleaner, and it's awesome! It cuts a lot of tasks off of my list. If before, I'd need to ready up a bucket, get soap, put soap in bucket, fill hot water, get squeegee, get cloth etc etc now it's "put little soap in water tank, fill water tank, put the power cord in, clean floor"
But they don't understand that you gotta clear up the floor to then clean the floor. And I mean even if the floor is basically spotless, like we don't have trash or clothes around. I gotta roll up the carpet(s), move our cats toys and boxes, move furniture as I go, etc etc. It's not just "clean floor", it's a whole day worth of tasks! And keeping track of everything, too!
edit: I'm currently also working on dismantling my perfectionism problem, for example I can clean the "open floor spots" (aka the areas without stuff on them) if the floor needs it. Don't have to clean the whole floor and moving all the furniture every time. Yeah it would feel great if the whole floor would be clean but... this is better than not even trying.
This one is really hard to work on I feel like lol.
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u/jessiereu Jan 17 '25
I’m WITH YOU on this. I have a similar issue with the vacuum. And the broom doesn’t feel like an accessible alternative either, having to bend down and scoop up what I just swept? AND walk it to the trash can? No. I’m now obsessed with the Black and Decker sweeper. I can turn it on with my foot, it’s at least as effective as a broom, and I don’t have to dump it every time. Is it as good as the Dyson vaccuum? No. But we’re working on our perfectionism and embracing ACCESSIBLE tasks. I actually clean up the floor after my gremlin children eat now. It’s amazing.
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u/Blossomie Jan 17 '25
I’m loling at “Wait for Ginny to do whatever she does” and especially “Make sure Kevin doesn’t get out” as though Kevin is an eldritch horror that must not be inflicted upon the mortal plane.
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u/SunnyPonies Jan 17 '25
I now realise my neurodivergence is probably why I always did either super well or 'too much,' when we had to write instructions for something in school 😅
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u/Weird_Squirrel_8382 Jan 16 '25
I love this. My husband made a chore list on the kitchen board. I took up the whole rest of the writing surface with all the subtasks involved. I can get lost in any one of them.
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u/ZapRowsdower34 Jan 16 '25
Hahaha, this is too real. Love it.
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u/no_bun_please Jan 17 '25
Me just sitting here wondering how no one's pointed out the partner is able to shower and get dressed BEFORE coffee.
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u/AlienRealityShow Jan 17 '25
I only made it to #10 how do you get your cats to sit before eating?? 😂 now I’ll be trying to train my cats all night
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u/jordsss17 Jan 17 '25
literally say sit and push their butts down over and over with many treats is how i taught them. now they sit without me saying anything. many meows before the sits but once im holding their food. they both sit and then i put it on the ground.
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u/lunerose1979 Jan 17 '25
Oh THIS is why I don’t put on lotion or jewelry or do my hair…so fucking exhausting lol.
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u/detta_walker Jan 17 '25
Correct. I have no skin care routine. And I don’t wear jewellery except my wedding and engagement ring. Hair is getting a blow dry so I look presentable at work. I’ve stopped doing my minimal make up…
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u/Mental-Ask8077 Jan 17 '25
The hair exhaustion!
I finally gave in and went back to my naturally curly hair instead of trying to tame it straight some years back, and it instantly cut my morning routine in half. Never going back, ever. Wash, air dry, scrunch, done. I have no patience for anything more than that.
Chop it short a few times a year, 20-30 minutes at the salon tops. Fucking freedom, I tell you.
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u/Front_Plankton_6808 Jan 17 '25
Yeah I tried explaining this to my mom, and she said, "but everyone has to take all of those steps too." I didn't know how to explain how it's different for people with ADHD because she's right, technically everyone does have to do all of the smaller steps as well. It IS different, I just don't know how to explain it in a way that makes her understand.
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Jan 17 '25
People without ADHD can do these things more automatically without thinking about all the steps……it ends up making it more exhausting for those of us with ADHD.
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u/3plantsonthewall Jan 17 '25
Do you wash your hair daily, or is that included in “wash parts”? For me, just washing my hair every day is 7-9 steps:
- Brush hair before getting into shower
- Wash hair with shampoo
- Rinse hair
- If hair was really dirty, wash a second time
- If washed a second time, rinse again
- Apply conditioner to ends
- Gently brush conditioner through ends and detangle
- Rinse conditioner
- Clip hair up so it’s not wet on my back
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u/jordsss17 Jan 17 '25
omg yes i love this!! wash parts meant like slits pits and tits. i didn’t include hair washing. but yes at least 7-9 steps!!
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u/thebaneofmyexistence Jan 17 '25
This is the most relatable thing I have ever seen. A few months ago I started making lists every day of what I had to do, I think it’s really helped me! I don’t think my boyfriend really gets it, but he is happy for me.
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u/qtflurty Jan 17 '25
…. I write stuff like this and then never look at it again. I have beautifully written how to keep the house clean in simple tasks and what days that is color coded and has space for check marks with dry erase marker. Who the heck do I think I am I to tell me what to do!
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u/Vintagesoul33 Jan 17 '25
This is hilarious to me because I feel your pain.
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u/minxyvixen306 Jan 17 '25
It's like a brain obstacle course every morning – fascinating and a bit exhausting, I wonder how many could keep up with 124 tasks in just an hour?
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u/wastetheafterlife Jan 17 '25
do they really not see things like this? like do NT brains seriously automate tasks and routines like that? genuine questions.
i've never managed to talk to anyone NT about this in this much depth so i feel like i still have trouble believing i'm not just making this up. like i still have that voice telling me "stop complaining and being lazy, it's hard for everyone"
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u/Mental-Ask8077 Jan 17 '25
Between* meds, good days, and a time where I had good routines (like walking to work) established, I’ve touched that mythical place now and then. There is a kind of automation where your brain is working efficiently enough that you don’t notice or have to work at tracking all the subtasks, they flow into each other more organically and logically. It’s wonderful when it happens!
It just seems to not be the default state for certain neurospicy brains, sigh.
Maybe that’s why adhd has high associated creativity - you notice all the little places where things click together and you can unclick them?
(*Somehow autocorrupt corrected Between to Ewerb and now I’m losing it lmao)
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u/IndustryNo2442 Jan 17 '25
this subreddit being shared to me has never made me feel more seen. i’ve struggled to explain to people how my brain interprets things. instead of “brushing my teeth” (this is my example when explaining” it’s, “get up. walk to bathroom. pick cup off toothpaste. put cup down. pick up brush. put brush on counter” etc… making the task seem really really daunting and taking so much brain power. i’ve never seen someone else type it out the same way.
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u/schizophrenic_rat Jan 17 '25
Oh my god so that's why everything is so hard. I swear my brain sees everything this exact way. Every task broken down into 1000 pieces
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u/zombievillager Jan 17 '25
This isn't even everything honestly. To take a shower you need clean towels, to make coffee you need grounds, how many cans of cat food are left? That cute coffee mug rack you bought still needs to be hung up you should do that later. Where did you put your shoes when you got home? Do you need to stop for gas? Oh you forgot to register your car again, can you get pulled over for that? The thoughts feel as exhausting as the tasks and the tasks are never ending.
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u/Vivid_Guest3279 ADHD-PI Jan 17 '25
this is amazing! i will be showing this to my partner, i have tried to explain this concept before but ended up going on a barely understandable tangent lol. your explanation of it being that we have to initiate each step (of a seemingly cut-and-dry task) individually makes it seem exactly as burdensome as it feels. thank you!
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u/Sonnuvabench Jan 17 '25
I love that you typed it out! I had a very similar conversation recently with my husband, specifically about laundry. For him, do the laundry is one task, "Do the laundry." For me it's like fifteen tasks, spread out over several hours, requiring tons of transitions. Which is why my laundry's journey usually ends in the clean laundry basket. Putting away laundry is like ten tasks all by itself.
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u/jessiereu Jan 17 '25
This is SO good. And once I’m movin and groovin, The risk of getting pulled away or distracted before the list of mini tasks is done is so high. The idea of being able to get to the end of that mini list in a linear fashion is practically impossible.
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u/jordsss17 Jan 17 '25
yes i also made a list of all the distractions!
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u/jessiereu Jan 17 '25
Honestly would love to see! I think this would help my partner, but he’d need to see it from someone else??
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u/jordsss17 Jan 17 '25
some of the list included: 1. spilling any kind of liquid 2. finding a towel to clean up liquid 3. cleaning up liquid 4. putting wet towel in hamper 5. tripping over something 6. if hurt from trip, addressing injury from tripping 7. getting in an argument 8. unexpected request from partner 9. clothes feeling uncomfortable 10. needing to change clothes 11. forgetting a needed item when on the way to work 12. returning home for forgotten item. 13. spilling something in the car 14. spilled something on clothes 15. responding to a text 16. responding to an email 17. staff calling out sick 18. finding coverage for work 19. blah blah blah blah
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u/Mental-Ask8077 Jan 17 '25
Remembering (or being reminded of) that urgent special thing you need to do/bring/write down
Finding the thing you need to bring/do the thing/write the thing down on
Putting the thing-for-the-thing somewhere safe where you’ll see/remember it
Remembering that important thing you need to do soon but not right now and already wrote down…somewhere. Right? I did write it down, right?
(23a. Writing it down again.)
Finding that book/shirt/thingamabob you were looking for last week
Deciding where to put book/shirt/thingamabob so you don’t lose it again
Putting thingamabob in that place
(26a. Forgetting about thingamabob)
Noticing random empty soda can/dishcloth/sock/fork sitting there
Picking up random can/cloth/sock/fork
Putting can/cloth/sock/fork in trash/laundry/sink
Seeing phone and remembering you were supposed to text Person back two weeks ago
Guilt for not texting Person back, avoid phone
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u/rennemarie67 Jan 17 '25
I’ve tried to explain - I don’t have habits- I have tasks- that at there best are routines. But none are automated- all require a conscious decision.
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u/Adorable-Storm474 Jan 17 '25
Here's the thing about these lists. It's not just about doing each individual task. It's ALSO like you have a crowd of people around you, trying to get your attention to tell you about ALL THE OTHER THINGS that have nothing to do with what you're doing that needs your attention RIGHT NOW! URGENT! URGENT!
I don't have a terrible memory. I have a great memory! The issue is that I pretty much only every remember everything I need to remember when I'm trying to focus on the task at hand. And I KNOW I'll forget it unless I do something about it right now.
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u/hyperlight85 Jan 16 '25
It really does put in perspective how we have to break things down. Like for some things, I just think of them as one task but stuff like cleaning where I really struggle, this is how my brain works and I have to get more granular.
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u/Slyfox3157WasHacked Jan 17 '25
I would make this list to avoid doing the things on the list.
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u/Wide-Explanation-353 Jan 17 '25
I knew tasks could take me longer than I expected, but I could never completely understand why. And I finally did when I was wrapping three Christmas presents. I kept going around in circles because I was looking for boxes for all three of the gifts and I couldn’t find the right size box for one of them. And then I got wrapping paper and I thought, oh I need to find a box for that one last gift and then I tried searching the house AGAIN thinking that the right size box would just magically appear. and it didn’t, and then when I went back to wrapping gifts, I realized I needed scissors and tape, then I had to find those, And all those steps took me like 10 to 20 minutes total. And I hadn’t even started wrapping the gifts yet! I just started laughing at how absurd it all was. Why are our brains like this??
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u/Ray_ChillBuck Jan 17 '25
My job told me to “ease up on the sticky notes”. I told them “if you want me to keep doing a great job, let me have my sticky notes.” Because I will get overwhelmed and freeze and not do a damn thing.
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u/Saiyaaru Jan 17 '25
Why do I look at the 10 tasks on the right and think "That probably takes hours to do" ?
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u/Ill_Wallaby_9121 AuDHD Jan 17 '25
This is PERFECT!! Beautifully clear example of when I explained to my partner that what other people see as "tasks," I see as "goals" that are made up of multiple smaller tasks.
Interestingly, my partner also has ADHD but his inattentive and he does NOT think like this lol. I made a similar list for him about all the tasks I have for cleaning the house, and he was shocked when it was literally 10 pages long lol. He gets me a little better now!
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u/Odd_Mess185 Jan 17 '25
I showed this to my wife and she studied it for a while, then handed my tablet back and said, "Oh. That's a lot." in the tone of voice that said she had things to think about.
ETA: I also explained it as "having to do an opposed will save every 0.5 seconds".
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u/overwhelmedoboe Jan 17 '25
Jesus I feel this. And then I had a kid and it feels like it turned into 248 😩
I also know for a lot of people “brush teeth” could be its own whole list!
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u/jordsss17 Jan 17 '25
yes you’re so right! i should have elaborated on that one. i also forgot “put on deodorant”
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u/reliable-g Jan 17 '25
Yes! This describes my experience perfectly! When I was on a med that was working, one of the most wonderful effects was that a lot of tasks felt weirdly simple, as my brain was suddenly able to assimilate a lot of those little micro-tasks into single, larger tasks.
You know, I think this whole micro-task thing is why I was good at waitressing, even though you'd think an ADHD person would be horrible at waitressing. I think it's because waitressing is just an enormous, constantly replenishing list of micro-tasks, which is a format my brain is already painfully accustomed to.
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u/InvidiaBlue Jan 17 '25
Thank you for finally doing this for me!! Haha Because this is exactly what I wanted to show people for a long time, just never got around to writing it or finding it!! What neurotypicals need to understand is that these tasks truly are broken down into a million pieces like this. But their brains string them all together FOR them, like neat little pearl necklaces in a jewelry box. Our pearls are just.... a box of pearls. Spilled. Everywhere. And they're slippery.
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u/itjustkeepsongiving Jan 17 '25
Uhh as I was reading your list I kept thinking “but that’s really more than one thing because….”
So basically 124 is a generous number.
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u/jordsss17 Jan 17 '25
yes you’re right! i didn’t outline the brushing teeth steps so that’s probably like 9-11 more things.
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u/BellSeveral2891 Jan 17 '25
And absolutely key is how every step is just another opportunity to get distracted with an adhd record scratch.
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u/anjiemin ADHD-PI Jan 17 '25
This! Sometimes even 1 tasks takes a lotta work plus you get sidetracked to other things as well.
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u/VBunns Jan 17 '25
I’m going to leave this here:
Goblin tools breaks down any task by spiciness level for you, it helps with executive functioning issues.
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u/veronicagoodday Jan 17 '25
I love this for you. Me and my husband are separating because he can't and wouldn't try to understand my 124 step task list versus his ten
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u/jamie1983 Jan 17 '25
I feel this the most when I’m trying to clean the kitchen. I have so many things out and it hurts my brain trying to put everything away. I play a game where I have to guess how many items are out that I need to put away and count each one until the kitchen is tidy, and have the time I do t even finish my “game”
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u/maximus994411 Jan 17 '25
That’s exactly how Tasks feel for me and also I genuinely wonder how ppl without adhd seem to so smoothly maneuver through these ‘basic’ tasks in what appears to be seconds, but when I’m trying to do the same things, it takes way longer. And I always think, are we not doing the same thing here? How can u make so many steps look like a 20 second job. It takes me at least 3 minutes to gather all my things and get out of my car 🤦🏼♀️
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u/Popcornhjernen Jan 17 '25
First I was like: omg I feel so sorry for you, that you have to break the tasks down like this, and the second after: damn that is me! I wanna cry and laugh at the same time 😂
Also I would get overwhelmed and paralyzed even before getting started on the list. Both the lists actually. Couldn't complete your partners either. The struggle is real 🥲
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u/the_hooded_artist Jan 17 '25
Sigh. Yeah this is exactly it and why it's so exhausting to do chores. It's never just one step in a task.
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u/aloneinmyprincipals Jan 17 '25
First reading I’m like, yeah, everyone thinks of these things.. then I read the second list and thought, also makes sense. THEN I get to the third page I’m like woah… I follow the paths and I’m like, “no vacuum if up” (right now I’m here) makes PERFECT sense in my mind… and honestly, why does it have to be so exhausting 😩
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u/red_raconteur Jan 17 '25
Weirdly, seeing this post makes me realize why I'm able to function at my current job when I struggled at past jobs. My boss has an Asana board with all of my tasks on it and every task is broken up into every minute detail subtask. There are checkmarks next to every subtask that I click when complete them and then they disappear. It allows me to do my job on autopilot without having to engage my brain too much. I actually get a lot done!
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u/winter83 Jan 17 '25
Man I used to do a lot of this stuff and now I just don't. Like coffee I've gotten to what is this simplest way to get coffee. I just buy bottles of iced coffee now because no machine to clean. I don't do my hair every day, I don't shave anymore. I also live alone and work from home tho. Lol
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u/outertomatchmyinner Jan 17 '25
I like how you specifically make your cats sit, but not the dog! 😂
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u/Enough-Soil779 Jan 17 '25
Well if my adhd didn’t show up on this post. I went to show my hubby the post to help him understand me a bit better. I swear one task for me is a million steps and he just does things out of “habit”? Only when I gave him the phone and watched him scroll to the 2nd pic… And then I fully realized what my brain actually does…
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u/acceptablemadness Jan 17 '25
Just a little while ago I was explaining to my husband how we're different in our reactions to stressors, as I tend to shut down when confronted with something overwhelming or upsetting, such as a disaster mess in the kitchen. He can't relax until it's dealt with, while I seem to just ignore it. It's not ignoring it: it's a freeze response versus fight. It's too big for my brain to handle, so I react like a deer caught in a truck's headlights, and my blood pressure is sky high the entire time.
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u/Vivenne_Raine Jan 17 '25
Thank you so much for sharing this!! It’s such a good visual representation. I’m definitely going to show it to my partner tomorrow morning, lol.
On a side note, some dermatologists actually recommend brushing your teeth before doing your face routine. I guess it keeps bacteria from your mouth from transferring to your face and causing breakouts around your lips and chin.
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u/Unsd Jan 17 '25
Huh. Maybe this is why I'm good at writing code. We are so used to breaking a big task into a bunch of tiny ones all day long and orienting them in a logical way. I didn't realize it until reading this and it was like playing a video game where you have to click to get the character to do every single part of the task.
This is why we burn out! We do so many more tasks than other people, but we don't get the same amount done, but nobody actually sees how much is happening under the hood.
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u/ExtensionGrapefruit8 Jan 17 '25
This is such a good breakdown!! I make lists like this sometimes to break down my tasks, but half the time I just get overwhelmed. So it’s just a lose-lose. Ugh.
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u/PurpleSlurple385 Jan 17 '25
I just tried this with washing dishes and I figured out why I tend to not finish all at once.
Each dish is its own, horrible task with usually about 8 subtasks per dish.
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u/espyrae2468 Jan 17 '25
You would be good at designing workflows and procedures (I am too for the same reason)
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u/Nevergreeen Jan 17 '25
Oh wow. I felt this post deep in my soul.
I think most people go on "autopilot" for daily tasks and they become "habits".
I have tried sooooooo many times to follow that dumb rule about doing something 21 times until it becomes a habit (eating well, dieting, working out, cleaning...) and it has never worked. NEVER.
I think something about forming habits or adapting is missing my brain. It's always entirely conscious for me. Always.
And then others get frustrated if I do a task one way for a month and they begin to rely on that, but then I switch it up and it throws them off. It's because it was never a "habit"- it was always conscious actions. So it can deviate at any time because I always have to put in the mental energy to do it.
Maybe that was word salad, but it OP's list really shows how much mental strain we go through compared to others when just trying to accomplish daily tasks.
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u/SweetPatootie97 Jan 17 '25
I run workshops at different companies to help them understand neurodiverse individuals and this is an exercise I do with them! They're all so shocked when they see my breakdown list compared to theirs, it's such a fantastic way to drive empathy around how we experience tasks.
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u/PeriwinklePiccolo876 Jan 17 '25
This is how I make my To-Do lists. If I just put "clean bathroom" I'll clean the sink, toilet and shower but forget to sweep, wipe down the window sills and TP holder from the ever accumulating TP 'dust', clean the mirror, etc. When I make my lists, I always leave room below to add the things I always forget. Like today, I added to dust the TV stand cause I walked by and saw I clearly did not dust it last week
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u/Zestyclose_Paint2157 Jan 17 '25
Wow. So I don’t have a partner but for sure would really appreciate someone who could understand this about me. With that being said I think this post is helping me understand my ADHD better. I have identified my executive dysfunction with my life coach, but never realized that plays a part in the dreaded shower routine. Any routines suck. Even on meds, And making phone calls for important stuff like credit card companies, health insurance, grown up stuff literally send me into spirals down to paralysis where I can’t even get out of bed until 5 pm when everything is closed. Weeks months go by like wtf!! Just to do a literally task essentially to being a thriving Adult. So I’m thinking do I need to type out or break down these things to finally understand myself???
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u/chickennuggies08 Jan 17 '25
I don't think it out in steps or really organise my personal life that much ...and there is more leniency in that area of my life, like it can just be whatever?
I just kind of 'do' things without thinking and that's where it bites me in the ass especially when I get distracted by unrelated tasks (but in the moment I actually think it's really important and going to help me in my end goal/task).
So, my list is more like the 10 step list except I get overwhelmed because if the task is more complicated or requires a higher level of thinking (like writing a research essay, job hunting) then I don't know where to start and then it goes into the 124 task list which then also overwhelms me.
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u/miscreation00 Jan 17 '25
Your shower list is actually short compared to the way my brain breaks it down 😭 people will think it's over exaggerated, but it's just how dumb our brains are.
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u/VBunns Jan 17 '25
I’m going to leave this here:
Goblin tools breaks down any task by spiciness level for you, it helps with executive functioning issues.
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u/wipies29 Jan 17 '25
This is some adderall induced list making if I’ve ever seen it!
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u/Conscious_Soup3844 Jan 17 '25
This!! My husband tries his best to take things off my “list” for me. It’s tough to explain exactly what’s needed since I have sooo much to do even though it’s only a few tasks.
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u/PipulisticPipu Jan 17 '25
I am undiagnosed but the steps to do everything, I can relate. My mom asks me, don't I feel bored sitting at home all the time... If only she knows..
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u/Ready-Arm1552 Jan 17 '25
Before sliding to the scratchy version I was amazed how tasks were that structured in your brain lmao
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