How do you guys not "ignore" your husbands?

[u/flamingpasta]

My husband (28M) is continuously telling me (28F) that "he feels like we haven't talked in a long time" and/or that "I ignore him" all the time. I feel like we talk often, but clearly the kind of talking we do is not what he wants and I'm afraid I'm not enough and I don't know what to do to become enough. We argue about my actions often and I just constantly feel like a failure of a wife.

An example that JUST happened:

For background context, my husband and I have just moved cities and started new jobs and both of us had ordered some company merchandise that we have been waiting on to arrive. I had ordered some clothes and he had ordered a nice backpack. Today I got my package and I was opening it while sitting on our bed. I had just showed him a new jacket and scrub cap that I had gotten (I'm in the veterinary medical field) when he said "I wonder when my backpack will get here." and picked up his phone to check. I didn't say anything/acknowledge that statement because I was about to open the next article in my package and I was also being kinda silly and I was putting the scrub cap on my dog's head. He then says something to the effect of "That's ok I guess, I didn't really want to talk to you about the backpack anyways." I don't know if it was exactly that, but it was something similar in a sarcastic tone. I then said "I didn't really know that was directed at me, was I supposed to respond to that?" or something of a similar sentiment. Apparently, what I should have done in that moment was apologized immediately for ignoring him, but because I didn't and instead tried to explain my POV and did it with a somewhat difensive tone, this caused an argument that lasted an hour. I say apparently because he told me then, and has told me over and over again in the past, that I never apologize or take responsibility for my actions.

This is NOT the first time this has happened, in fact it happens pretty much daily if not multiple times a day. I have tried to get better at apologizing for ignoring him, but now I have started to get met with the "You don't really mean that." rebuttal to my apologies. I am tired, frustrated, and most of all confused. He knows I'm diagnosed ADHD (diagnosed in 2022 or 2023, my memory is bad) and he himself was diagnosed in 2024, so should he not understand my perspective? I never mean to ignore him, and in that moment my response was 100% truthful - I didn't even catch that statement about the backpack was something I was supposed to respond to, I just thought he was thinking out loud. I heard him and didn't say anything, which is technically ignoring him, but it wasn't because I don't care or wasn't interested in talking with him, I just didn't even know what I was supposed to say to that. Not to mention, I was focused on opening my package.

I just don't understand how to navigate this problem. I thought that getting a diagnosis would help him understand me because then he would maybe understand that there is a neurological reason I sometimes don't hear him/ignore him, but clearly not. Despite this issue, our relationship is otherwise perfect, but I'm afraid this issue is large enough that I will eventually drive him away. This is not the first time we've had this argument, this has been going on for almost 10 years, and every time I just feel like his patience wears thinner and thinner. I love him and I don't want to lose him. I feel like such a failure.

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[u/VintageFemmeWithWifi]

So for almost a decade he's chosen to sulk instead of making sure he has your attention when he wants to talk?

Phrases like "Can I tell you something I'm excited about?" and "Hey! I wanna tell you something" are freely available for him to use. He can also tap your shoulder, wave, do a sexy dance, or otherwise make sure you're listening before he speaks. 

I don't like that he's using snark to extract apologies, or that he's making big fights to punish you when you don't immediately focus on him. 

[u/JessiPant → u/VintageFemmeWithWifi]

This! My partner and I use “can I tell you something exciting/ wild/ weird/ cool?” And it’s been a game changer. My partner used to either say random sentences to himself and expect me to pick up the hint that he wanted to share something and I just don’t roll that way. On his side, I would ask to tell him something and he felt obligated to say “yes,” even if he was busy or not in a listening mind space.

This phrase has helped heaps. If someone close to me said “I wonder when my backpack is arriving” I would also not respond because it’s not really a question and also not something *I could answer…

[u/Both-Condition2553 → u/JessiPant]

My now 9 year old nephew has said “Can I tell you something?” so many times that it’s a catchphrase. But the whole family has ADHD, and he learned starting at about age 3 that it’s important to make sure the person you’re talking to is with you, if you want them to engage.

OP’s husband, on the other hand, is being SUPER passive-aggressive. Even if I had FULLY heard him saying he wondered when his backpack would get there, I would definitely not have replied to that, because I definitely don’t know. And, he was checking his phone! Why would I intrude upon him finding the answer to the question he asked?

This is a lot, OP. He needs to understand that you’re not going to answer rhetorical questions that he poses to the room at large.

[u/what_the_purple_fuck → u/Both-Condition2553]

tangent as fuck, and this is extremely not nephew appropriate, but this made me think of a book called Can I Tell You Something? where the dude narrates audio erotica, and it has an audiobook and, well, trust me when I say that you want him to tell you all of the somethings.

[u/dktllama → u/JessiPant]

I like the old faithful “hey guess what” 😅

[u/TheGalaxyPup → u/VintageFemmeWithWifi]

My boyfriend and I have been doing this for a while now and it really helps. I'll say "Can I ask you something?" or "can you talk?" when I see he's in the middle of something, or creep up in his view and wave. Even if he can't answer immediately, at least he is now aware that I want to talk to him and he'll find a stopping point in whatever he is doing.

[u/Imaginary_Rain_1860]

I don't think you're the problem here. I would have had exactly the same reaction to his comment about the backpack. I would almost say he was ignoring you, because you were in the middle of something and sharing it with him, and he got sidetracked.

[u/floopy_boopers → u/Imaginary_Rain_1860]

It sounds like he pulled some light DARVO here, I'm concerned that OP says this happens daily, often multiple times per day.

[u/flamingpasta → u/floopy_boopers]

what is DARVO?

[u/floopy_boopers → u/flamingpasta]

It's an abuse tactic, it stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. He's the one who ignored you then made you feel shitty about it. Projection plus self victimization while making the actual victim into the villain. This is not a normal healthy way to treat your significant other.

[u/One_Purple_3242 → u/floopy_boopers]

Do you think he’s a narcissist?

[u/flamingpasta → u/One_Purple_3242]

no, but he is the child of 2 narcissists. his mother is also bipolar. his home life was extremely rough when he was younger, and believe me that's putting it so very lightly. I try to give him grace. he's been through so much and has learned to stand up for himself which I think he thinks he's doing now with me, but he doesn't need to. I'm not ignoring him spitefully like his parents would.

[u/pikaia_gracilens → u/flamingpasta]

Can you both, individually, get some therapy?

Being raised by narcissists is certainly a risk factor for becoming a narcissist, but even kids that avoid that can unwittingly learn a lot of narcissistic behaviours, but those can be unlearned. But beware, if he is a narcissist and is willing to go to therapy it's not unlikely that he'll weaponize it and just make things harder for you.

I think you could benefit a lot from therapy yourself, but having an outside perspective while he's processing would be invaluable in its own right.

[u/flamingpasta → u/pikaia_gracilens]

Yeah I really need to find a therapist. I need someone to tell me I'm not crazy bc I feel insane. I'll bring this up to him.

[u/pikaia_gracilens → u/flamingpasta]

I don't think you're crazy. What were you supposed to say? "I wonder when my backpack will get here," isn't exactly scintillating conversation, and there's no real answer to that if you're not mail carrier. You and he both know that you don't know when it'll arrive.

Edit: Ultimately he was making a very very very bad bid for attention and he expected you to read his mind. Given how poor that bid was and that you aren't a mind reader, he should have followed up with a direct, honest request for attention instead of turning it around on you.

[u/peach1313 → u/flamingpasta]

Other option is couples therapy with a therapist who understands ADHD. That way you'll both have a neutral third party mitigating these situations, until you get out of the cycle.

[u/astronauticalll → u/peach1313]

definitely get individual therapy first though op, at least for yourself. Couples therapists can be so hit or miss and the last thing op needs is someone who ends up misunderstanding the situation and siding with the husband constantly, that won't actually solve anything

[u/Both-Condition2553 → u/flamingpasta]

Oooooooh, yeah, okay. So being the child of ONE narcissist is super hard, and two will mess you up a LOT. My guess is that he isn’t directing remarks to you directly because narcissists tend to get really angry when they are directly asked for things. You have to make them think it’s their idea. And in a narcissistic home, attention is love, and they are so stingy with it. So he learned how to indirectly bait them to get his physical and emotional needs met, and now he’s trying to use the same tactics with you, because that’s what he thinks love is, and how he tries to get it.

That’s not his fault, but it is his responsibility to work on.

[u/Valla85 → u/flamingpasta]

It sounds like he never learned to communicate in a healthy way, after his upbringing. Did he get therapy?

[u/Wild_Efficiency_4307 → u/flamingpasta]

His life story makes narcissism and abusive relationships much more likely. Please be safe. Can you leave? This is so worrying

[u/Both-Condition2553 → u/flamingpasta]

Oooooooh, yeah, okay. So being the child of ONE narcissist is super hard, and two will mess you up a LOT. My guess is that he isn’t directing remarks to you directly because narcissists tend to get really angry when they are directly asked for things. You have to make them think it’s their idea. And in a narcissistic home, attention is love, and they are so stingy with it. So he learned how to indirectly bait them to get his physical and emotional needs met, and now he’s trying to use the same tactics with you, because that’s what he thinks love is, and how he tries to get it.

That’s not his fault, but it is his responsibility to work on.

[u/floopy_boopers → u/One_Purple_3242]

Not all abusers are narcissists, but narcissists are abusive in general, it's a venn diagram if you will.

[u/flamingpasta → u/flamingpasta]

Oh I just looked it up... he says that this is what I do. In fact, he literally told me earlier that I was not the victim in this situation and that I am always looking for a way to make myself the victim.

When this type of thing happens I do tend to get really upset bc I just feel like I've once again done something wrong that has hurt him. Again, this has been going on for 10 years now. Like I'm just a continual fuck-up. When I get upset he tells me he feels like I'm trying to make him feel bad so he'll have to apologize to me instead of the other way around.

At this point I think it's almost a learned behavior on my part to shut down and get so upset, but I don't know what else to do. I want to speak my POV so he can understand me, but I can't because he sees it as me making excuses. It's this internal dialouge mixed with feelings of being a failure that causes me to shut down/start crying, but he just thinks I'm doing it so he has to apologize to me.

Edit to add:

I do understand that sometimes I do ignore him when he makes comments about things that are more important that just a stupid backpack being delivered. I do really want to be better so I don't continually hurt him so often. I'm posting here to make sure that I'm not to one in the wrong, and if I am what do I need to do differently. I don't like hurting his feelings and the answer can't just be that he's an asshole and I need to leave him bc I love him and I don't want to do that. There's got to be something I can do.

[u/jcgreen_72 → u/flamingpasta]

He sounds manipulative af girl, he's got you spinning around in your head so much you don't know which way is up. 

[u/AskAJedi → u/jcgreen_72]

100% this. You can’t reason with him to respect you. Even if you did make a mistake that’s ok, because people make mistakes sometimes and you don’t deserve to be treated this way.

[u/dellada → u/flamingpasta]

OP, when a partnership is healthy, you'd be able to communicate your POV and your feelings without constantly getting shut down by him. The way he's treating you is very unfair. Notice how you're listening to his complaints, to the point where you're seeking out advice on Reddit for ways you can make him happier... but he's not doing the same for you. (Also remember, if he honestly thought that you were using DARVO or other manipulative tactics, he would leave. But he isn't leaving... because he knows that isn't true.)

Please read the book "Why Does He Do That" - this PDF is completely free. If you really are in a healthy relationship, no harm comes from reading it anyway, it's good information to have either way. Every woman should read it, honestly - it's not just about abuse, but about various confusing and devaluing behaviors in general. Hugs <3 You're not a failure, OP. You're just stuck in a game where there is no winning.

[u/Rochesters-1stWife → u/flamingpasta]

Girl, run. The call is coming from inside the house

[u/I_Thot_So → u/flamingpasta]

Dude. Nothing you did warrants an apology. Let me list his bullshit out for you:

1. You were doing something that was only about you. You were showing him something cool.

2. He then does a sharp pivot over to caring about his own thing and asks a RHETORICAL question that any average human would assume is him thinking out loud.

3. You do not answer the rhetorical question, as most humans would not.

4. He responds with a shitty passive aggressive comment that implies you fucked up. He does not say clearly that he feels like you ignored him. He was sarcastic and snarky.

5. You rationalized out loud that you didn’t know that you fucked up in a defensive tone, MATCHING HIS TONE, BTW.

6. Instead of elaborating further on why his feelings are hurt by your unintentional actions, he chastises you for not immediately apologizing without understanding why.

7. When you DO heed his complaints and apologize right away, he says you don’t mean it.

Even as a sarcastic bitch from the northeast, I can admit that sarcasm is either passive aggressive or humorous irony. Considering this was not a light-hearted scenario or a work of literary fiction, his snarky comment was NOT clear communication. It was manipulation to make you bristle and feel guilt without a direct reason why. If he does this often, your defense mechanisms are understandable.

The way to solve this problem is for him to figure out an easy way to communicate to you that he wants to pivot to him, as the other commenters on this post have said. It is not to “train” you to apologize immediately when he gets mad after he gave you no indication that he wanted your attention in the first place. He has created a toxic cycle that you have no control over because he decides from the outset to set you up to fuck up and then he gets to punish you for it. And you’re just supposed to apologize without context?

I’m not going to throw the word abusive out there, but he’s sure as fuck a manipulative baby.

[u/CatHairAndChaos → u/flamingpasta]

he just thinks I'm doing it so he has to apologize to me

This is him telling on himself. He thinks you'd emotionally manipulate him that way because that's the way he's manipulating you.

Similarly, from your post:

that I never apologize or take responsibility for my actions

But how often does he do that? 🤔

I don't like hurting his feelings

And he knows that, which part of why he keeps accusing you of doing that. But what about your feelings? Why are his the only important and reasonable ones?

Look, even supposing there is some validity behind what he's saying... He's consistently made you feel like a fuckup for a decade and is strongly averse to the idea of empathizing with you or attempting to understand you. He is not working with you in ways other people in these comments have described with their own partners, which is mandatory if he wants to be with you, because your ADHD isn't going to go away. He's making you feel bad but doesn't like it when you feel bad because then that makes him feel more bad. Wtf?

I hate how often people jump to accusing any ol' asshole of being a narcissist based on one Reddit post, but maybe google "covert narcissism" and watch some videos by Dr. Ramani and see if any of that resonates. People raised by narcissists (like him) are at a higher risk of turning out a narcissist themselves, or at least showing narcissistic traits. Which sucks, but isn't an excuse, and doesn't mean you need to put up with him. He's acting as if you're just like his parents, but in actuality, he's treating you like he's his parents.

Do you want to waste any more of your life with a person like him, in the one life you have? Do you think he's treating you the way anyone should treat someone they care about?

[u/charliekelly76 → u/flamingpasta]

Girl….. your edit is asking what you can do. You can leave. YOU don’t have to do anything, this all sounds like a HIM problem. By your words, he’s already made you feel like a fuck-up for the last ten years….. is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Trying to change who you are for a person that can’t bother to use his words? Maybe think what you want your future to look like and who will be a part of that.

[u/Leading-Summer-4724 → u/flamingpasta]

You may love him, but there will be a point where he’s emotionally abused you so much that you won’t know which was is up, and it makes recovery that much more difficult, if at all possible.

I got caught in this exact same cycle of abuse, and by the time I finally left the last one, I had started to believe him when he told me that he was the victim and I was the abuser. I started to screenshot all his abusive texts because I thought I was crazy.

Then, after going no-contact with him for a year, I was able to look back at those texts and recognize his abusive language to me clear as day. I was gobsmacked.

But when you’re in the thick of it, you don’t see it, and don’t see the point of no return that’s around the corner. No one can tell you when it will be. But you’ll know. And if you don’t jump ship when it occurs, you’ll be drug down with him.

[u/Which_way_witcher → u/flamingpasta]

I'm posting here to make sure that I'm not to one in the wrong, and if I am what do I need to do differently. I don't like hurting his feelings and the answer can't just be that he's an asshole and I need to leave him bc I love him and I don't want to do that. There's got to be something I can do.

The most life-changing thing I learned was that I'm the only one who controls my happiness and that I can't find happiness throughout things I can't control (3 things you can't control: what happened in the past, what will happen in the future, and how someone else will feel/think/do/say). You'll drive yourself crazy trying to control what you can't and you can't control him always getting upset over small things like this.

It's this internal dialouge mixed with feelings of being a failure that causes me to shut down/start crying, but he just thinks I'm doing it so he has to apologize to me.

I'm so sorry but this is not normal and it isn't healthy. Who blames their wife for breaking down crying?? Husbands are supposed to lift you up and help you, not tear you down, blame you for fake crying.

And an important thing you need to know is that love isn't the foundation of a healthy relationship (because it can be toxic love), basic trust and respect is. The way he treats you is not respectful.

I had a husband like what you're describing and dumped him when I realized I was miserable and it was never going to change. I was walking on eggshells all the time trying and failing to not upset him, I did everything I could do to make the relationship work but I couldn't make him happy or make him treat me nice and that I was making myself unhappy by staying with him. I chose my own happiness by divorcing him and it's the best thing I've ever done. I realized I was in love with the idea of who I thought he would become once he was happy but that wasn't real. I was just in love with the idea of being in love.

Years later he's still blaming others for being unhappy and I'm the happiest I've ever been. I met a real man and he loves me for me, doesn't try to change me or blame me, is a happy person to be around, actually helps me with my ADHD and lifts me up, thinks my forgetfulness is adorable and thinks the world of me. He makes me feel good about being ME. He makes me feel beautiful when I'm feeling fat, he makes me feel smart and funny.

I want that for you.

You might love him but sometimes love isn't enough and you can't force relationships to work on love alone. Sometimes two people just aren't good together and it's ok to mourn what could have been and walk away. You can't control his moods and he doesn't care enough about you to hold you when you cry for gods sakes. We ADHDers are often fierce loyalists and often sacrifice our happiness for someone else's but honey... you can't make him happy, only he can do that for himself.

So can you let go of his emotional negative reactions/misunderstandings and be happy with his other characteristics? Or will you be making yourself unhappy by choosing to stay with him? Whatever the answer is, please choose your own happiness. Life is too short to be sad all the time.

[u/DenM0ther → u/Which_way_witcher]

What a powerful post!!!!!! 🤩🤩🤩

I'm so happy you found your person!!!

[u/Which_way_witcher → u/DenM0ther]

Thank you! I am, too 😊

[u/floopy_boopers → u/flamingpasta]

This is more than just light DARVO you are being abused.

[u/Whole_Bug_2960 → u/flamingpasta]

Other things you can do:  

• Get therapy (just for YOU, not together)    
• Hang out with your friends more. This will remind you that your communication style does not mean you're hurting those around you all the time. I'm betting that no one else has a problem with how you interact. In fact, I bet you're one of the most considerate people around this because you're walking on eggshells with your husband all the time.  
• Keep a journal and write down every time this happens and what it was about. Then look at the list. Do you think those things are reasonable?  
• Do read that "why does he do that" book (free pdf: https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat).

Honey, he is acting in bad faith. That can be hard to swallow but it's the core of why you can't fix this yourself. He doesn't want you to. He wants to keep you feeling emotionally indebted to him.

It can be hard for empathetic people to realize that their partner doesn't actually want the problems to go away. And I know you love him and have invested a lot of time in this. I'm glad you are seeing now how harmful this is to your mental health.

Good luck out there.

[u/Conscious-Magazine50 → u/flamingpasta]

This sounds exhausting for you. He is wanting you to act like he wishes his mom would have. "Oh yes, honey, when will your backpack arrive?" I'd drop this rope and let him know you're done trying to live up to his desired communication style. Done. D O N E.

[u/Alarming_Present6107 → u/flamingpasta]

Partnerships go both ways, has he made any effort to actually understand you better so your mutual communication can improve, or is he putting the blame fully on you? Is it only on you to change your behavior? I promise even if you do everything he says it still won't be good enough. A partner that loves you will find a way to communicate better together, not force you to struggle on your own with a guessing game of what is right.

[u/RiverCat57 → u/flamingpasta]

He’s extremely nasty and manipulative, what you are describing is not a good partner. If you think he can actually fundamentally change who he is as a person then you desperately need couples therapy, if not then you desperately need an exit plan. He’s extremely toxic and is just going to continue dragging you down further and further until you’re nothing but a shell of a person.

[u/DenM0ther → u/flamingpasta]

I found that if the radio, music etc. is on I don't ramble my thoughts away at another person and only interrupt them for something meaningful (to me 😜). It means that I actually consider if I need/want their input or if it's just my brain chatter.

[u/One_Purple_3242 → u/floopy_boopers]

I am concerned too.

[u/Objective_Earth_2610 → u/Imaginary_Rain_1860]

I’m glad someone said this. As I was reading this I was thinking…. 🚩…. emotional abuse…. It can be hard to pinpoint, hard to understand and makes you feel confused. Always questioning yourself. Google “Lundy Bancroft” and read some of his work.

[u/flashfoxart]

My husband and I had a lot of issues with this. He FINALLY has learned to get my attention first before telling me something he wants me to listen to, sometimes he says, listen to this, ready? And even then I sometimes accidentally zone out but communication has gone a lot smoother when he knows to make sure my attn is on him first

[u/DenM0ther → u/flashfoxart]

Agree. Depending on the person & situation I'll ask the person to look at me so I know they're focussing on me/what I'm saying.

[u/smg0303]

This reminds me of dudes who put “only swipe right if you can hold a conversation” in a tinder bio and then don’t ask you a single question and respond with one word lol

[u/smg0303 → u/smg0303]

To clarify your husband reminds me of this, not you!!! What does one reply to that comment??? “Gee I wonder” will come across as infantilizing but what else would you even say. “Why don’t you check your phone” if he wanted to ENGAGE with you he would say something like “your excitement is contagious, it’s making me more excited to receive my backpack!” Or something

[u/Andrusela → u/smg0303]

It actually seems to me he was jealous she got a package and he didn't!

Like a two year old at their sibling's birthday party having a tantrum because they didn't get a present too.

Seriously.

[u/DenM0ther → u/Andrusela]

100% ! So, as he didn't get his delivery he wants ur attention (from your merch) instead!

[u/I_Thot_So → u/smg0303]

Right? The only answer that is only 85% pointless (instead of 100% pointless) is “Did they give you a tracking number?”

Most of the people I see every day talk to themselves like this. Something I said reminds them of something they need to do. When I do answer, they assure me I don’t need to engage and they’re just thinking out loud. I casually say “You just let me know when you need me to listen!”

[u/tiredoftryingtobe]

It sounds like you're not one for superficial conversation. Not surprising in this sub. You might try asking him when he tells you something, if it's something he wants to talk about. Work on acknowledging comments. For me a lot of the time I end up talking to people like I do kids... "Wow, that's interesting.", "I'm proud of you for trying that." , " I had no idea." Especially when the topic holds little interest for me or I lack knowledge on it. My son called me (he's AuADHD) and talked politics for 2 hours (it's one of his current hyper focuses) I did a lot of listening, some googling so I could know what he was actually talking about, and told him I was proud of him for educating himself and making informed decisions when it comes to his political position. I don't love talking about politics but I love my son so I will listen to it as long as he wants to talk to me.

[u/flamingpasta → u/tiredoftryingtobe]

I just wish so badly that he would inherently understand me the same way you all do how I am "not one for superficial conversation" so this wouldn't be an issue.

I applaud you for being so active in conversations that don't interest you. If I tried Googling something mid-conversation, I would get hyperfocused on my phone so quickly it would completely derail the conversation. I try so badly to listen like this, but I always end up oversharing and steering the conversation my way again and it once again becomes a point of contention. He can also tell when I'm speaking to him like a child and knows I'm not interested and he hates it. It's so hard. I just hate the fact I have ADHD.

I'll try asking if it's something he wants to talk about, but I'm nervous about how he'll react to that. Thank you for the input!

[u/lovesick_cryptid → u/flamingpasta]

i mean, are you sure you're not more hurt that even after almost a decade he hasn't made a single move to understand you? the one person you should expect respect and empathy from - neither of which he's displaying (adding this bc it's a common response, but just bc someone respects your physical boundaries doesn't mean they respect you as a complete person). 

[u/1986toyotacorolla2 → u/lovesick_cryptid]

Not OP but holy ouch. Way to call me out like that... Add that to the list of reasons I asked for a divorce... I keep finding new things that drove me nuts for years that I just ignored... Add that to the list for therapy lol

[u/kahdgsy → u/flamingpasta]

It sounds like you have to walk on egg shells around him… that sounds like hard work.

Also, it doesn’t sound like he wants to understand you? There’s plenty of people I don’t understand but I make the effort to try and think about things from their perspective instead of getting angry - I understand that people aren’t all going to be the same as me. I’m sorry that your partner does not.

[u/No_Pianist_3006 → u/flamingpasta]

No, really, from your description, you have inattentive ADHD.

So why would he be surprised or angry that your attention strays? He's being unrealistic.

If he needs your attention, he needs to:

• Pick a good time (like when you're not opening packages and playing with dog)

• Be clear about what he's asking for (no one, NO ONE, can be expected to read minds)

• Be kind, always!

Hah! I just remembered when typing this that this is what my EX used to do. He also tried little mind games like "But I told you" when he hadn't. My step-daughter called him on it when visiting.

I remember being hurt and confused. For far too long. There were tears and defensive spats because I couldn't agree to a lie.

I hope you resolve this one way or another.

Getting free gave me a new life. Getting some therapy helped me deprogram from that screwed-up little vortex.

Request for redditors:

Would someone please send OP a link to that book, Why Does He Do That? I think that's the title.

[u/I_Thot_So → u/No_Pianist_3006]

Why Does He Do That? Lundy Bancroft

[u/DenM0ther → u/flamingpasta]

What's he doing to accommodate you?

Obviously you're trying to do things to accommodate him. How does he feel about making you nervous and like ur walking on eggshells?

[u/ColoredGayngels]

I have a similar frustration of not feeling acknowledged by my husband (so he's in your position here), but being passive aggressive the way yours is is NOT the answer. The answer is to say "hey, I would appreciate it if you would at least nod and hum in acknowledgment when I say something to affirm you heard me". Guess what? My husband nods or hums to affirm he heard me now. We also both have ADHD.

A lot of small talk/listening to things you don't necessarily care about is smiling and nodding and saying "oh yeah?" or "that's neat/interesting/etc" when they offer parts they sound more excited about. It's a lot of scripting, but sometimes people want to feel heard and acknowledged and not necessarily small talk

[u/dellada]

Does he actually want this dynamic to change, or does he just want to be mad at you? Because replying to you with snark and then pushing away your apology with “you don’t mean that” is not going to get either of you anywhere.

If he actually wants to address the situation, he needs to genuinely brainstorm solutions with you, and have both of you work on those solutions together. It’s a two way street.

As another commenter mentioned, he could take a few seconds to make sure he has your attention before he speaks, or to give you a heads up that he wants to talk. Also, IMO it’s a bit rude for him to pick up his phone and pivot the conversation to his backpack when you’re right in the middle of opening your own package with him. Does this sort of thing happen often? Did he not see that he had an opportunity to engage with you in that moment too (regarding the cap on the dog)?

[u/flamingpasta → u/dellada]

Also, IMO it’s a bit rude for him to pick up his phone and pivot the conversation to his backpack when you’re right in the middle of opening your own package with him. Does this sort of thing happen often? Did he not see that he had an opportunity to engage with you in that moment too (regarding the cap on the dog)?

I tried to make this point and he said that it's different because he kept responding to me about the package and the dogs, whereas when I pick up my phone I ignore our conversation for the rest of the time I have it in my hand.

[u/I_Thot_So → u/flamingpasta]

How is that different or worse from him wanting to pivot the conversation to his backpack?

[u/pahshaw]

I have read all your responses in this post and I am concerned at how quick you are to blame yourself in order to diffuse things, both in the initial story when interacting with your spouse but also here in the thread as you respond to the other commentors. 

Your husband's behavior is abnormal. Period. Full stop. He is intentionally picking fights with you and making you feel like it's your fault. He was jealous that your stuff has arrived and his hadn't and that you were happy right in front of his face (normal) instead of being quietly downtrodden on his behalf,(abnormal) so he made the passive aggressive comment about his backpack to get you to shift from being happy about your own stuff to being concerned about his. When that went over your head (as it should, bc it's not a healthy thing to do), he escalated into a full fight that had you as an irresponsible villain who never knows when anything is her fault.

My spouse and I both have ADHD and we don't do this kind of thing to each other. And that's because it's not an ADHD thing. It's an abuse thing, and he may have learned it from surviving his narc parents but it is still his burden, his work, and his responsibility to break the pattern and be better... but it doesn't seem like he's interested in doing that. And really, why should he, when doing what he's doing now keeps you in a constant state of groveling? 

Please seek individual therapy. Also please learn more about covert narcissism and how it works. Also while I'm begging, please read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It's available online as a free PDF and it will help you navigate your way to clarity on this conflict and any others you might have.

You don't have to live this way. 

[u/gemInTheMundane → u/pahshaw]

You're exactly right, and you said it far better than I could.
u/flamingpasta Please pay close attention to pahshaw's comment. Please take it seriously. Your husband's behavior is not normal.

[u/iTammie → u/pahshaw]

I’m going to respond to this comment too, because it needs to be higher.

To OP: the way you blame yourself is not healthy. Please take a step back and try to look at this dynamic objectively.

And if you are having trouble remembering what happened exactly, maybe record stuff so you can replay it and try to get some clarity.

What do your friends and family say about this?

[u/dodogirl445 → u/pahshaw]

This! This should be higher up. 

[u/n0t1b0t → u/pahshaw]

YES. This man is so full of himself that there's no room in the relationship for you, OP. If you keep trying to shrink yourself to fit, you'll disappear.

[u/Jane_Angst]

There is no way I would have thought I needed to address the comment about the backpack! What are you going to discuss? This seems really over the top for an hour long argument - so if it’s not about the backpack, how much of it is about maybe what you consider a throwaway line, but he is thinking it’s a failed bid for connection? If he wants connection he needs to work on that too - that’s not just a you thing, and it seems like he thinks it is?

[u/flamingpasta → u/Jane_Angst]

I think my ADHD makes it really hard for him to talk to me. He compares how I talk to him to how I talk to other people/friends all the time. I think you're right that he's desperately bidding for connections, but I don't think he's very good at it. He grew up with 2 narcissistic parents in a completely broken household. I feel like I'm failing him the way they did in not answering those bids for connections properly, but I don't know what to do to get gime to understand that he cant just be like this with me. I have ADHD and he WILL get ignored sometimes, it's just how I'm built.

[u/lovesick_cryptid → u/flamingpasta]

has he gone to therapy for the severe cptsd he likely has? have y'all considered couples therapy?

if he won't do either, he isn't interested in taking personal responsibility for his actions - it's easier, it feels better. he emotionally manipulates you, refuses to apologize, and this is the one thing that could help healthier communication. 

[u/I_Thot_So → u/flamingpasta]

He’s not trying to connect with you. He’s throwing words into the air and hoping you catch them before the fall to the ground.

He probably learned to be manipulative and passive aggressive from them. He can also claim that they probably just didn’t pick up on his subtlety instead of admitting that they were actively ignoring him…

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HE IS ACCUSING YOU OF.

This guy does not know how to communicate. That’s a learned behavior. If you’re looking for a solution other than “Leave,” it should be to tell him to get into therapy or you’ll leave.

[u/Iamgoaliemom → u/flamingpasta]

Its is how your built, but it doesn't mean that it's not going to be frustrating to him. This was an ongoing issue for my husband and I for a long time. He used to always feel like I wasn't listening to him and that meant I didn't care about what he was saying. I can see how that would feel really crappy to think your wife doesn't bother to listen to you. So he works to understand me and I work to address my behaviors and improve. I can't just throw up my hands and say I have ADHD, I can't help that I ignore you amd expect him to not have feelings about that anymore. I apologize when he is talking and I zone out or interrupt him. Because even though I don't do it on purpose, its still not great to be on the receiving end of that behavior. He works to make sure he has my attention if he has something important to say and he is more patient when I do slip and miss the mark on our communication. Two things can be true at once. You can not being doing it on purpose and he can understand that and also be hurt and frustrated by the behavior.

[u/lovesick_cryptid → u/Iamgoaliemom]

i 100% agree with this; however, issues need to be communicated clearly and respectfully - not through passive aggressive comments or fights. it also is usually paired with partners who show each other gratitude and praise. 

surprisingly, respectful communication makes improvement significantly easier on both sides. im sure if she left the situation where her partner bullies her instead of politely pointing out when she ignores a comment he makes (me and my husband both have adhd, we have to do this less and less, but we understand they won't disappear), she'd experience a lot of growth. 

all of which is to say, i think you provided a healthy answer but she's not in a healthy relationship, nor is she with a healthy person, so all this is going to do in reinforce the abusive rhetoric that OP  always being the problem and how JUST SHE needs to do better. 

[u/Slammogram → u/Jane_Angst]

I woulda answered it with:

“Well, fuck. That sucks ass.”

And felt like that was sufficient.

[u/colormek8]

I agree with other commenter about his reactions being weird, why does he need an apology everytime like its something you can control? Maybe you can discuss some solutions together. But to answer your question I ignore my boyfriend 41m all the time. Not on purpose but it happens probably daily it's not that I don't care what he's saying but if I'm preoccupied I can't focus. So I have to intentionally pause what I'm doing and redirect my attention to the conversation.

He also has adhd and he likes to talk a lot, and will talk while we're watching a movie, listening to a podcast or if we're doing something that takes up a lot of brain power, like projects which can be frustrating having adhd.

We made a game of it though where if he realizes I'm not listening he starts to say goofy things until I pick up on it. I admit that I'm not listening and we either go over it again or go on with our lives. I don't talk as much as he does but also know there are times he doesn't listen to me either especially about plans.

Its a goofy back and forth of not knowing what the other person has said for days but we always figure it out and I make the extra effort to mention plans multiple times over a series of days so he's not suprised and if he wants me to listen to him he will pause the movie or we'll stop what we're doing and look eachother directly in the face to talk.

If you ask him he would probably say I don't listen for beans. I couldn't imagine getting in an argument everytime though, we hold space for eachothers imperfections. We've been together 5 years not listening to eachother.🤣 Needless to say communication looks different in every relationship.

[u/Andrusela → u/colormek8]

I love this story!

When someone isn't listenting to you and you say "... so anyways, this unicorn comes up to me and poops out a rainbow..."

And then you both laugh like loons.

Good stuff.

[u/MermaidCrow]

My ex-husband was a lot like this, everything in the relationship that was wrong was my fault, my problem, me not trying hard enough or communicating correctly. Being diagnosed with adhd did not help. It was exhausting. Loving someone until you hate yourself isn't devotion, it's destruction.

It's really, really great not feeling like shit, a fuck-up, and a failure every day, or getting into hours long arguments that go in circles. My life is not perfect, but I feel a peace and safety that was, frankly, impossible in my (nearly decade) of marriage.

[u/Comfortable-Doubt → u/MermaidCrow]

"loving someone until you hate yourself isn't devotion, it's destruction"

Whoa

[u/Andrusela → u/MermaidCrow]

I'm so glad you got out.

[u/arsenal_kate]

Is it your ADHD, or is your husband just a jerk? That sentence about the backpack did not invite or require a response. You’re not Siri, you don’t have the tracking order for his backpack installed. All you could say was “I don’t know.” To use that to start a fight is a dick move on his part.

[u/Zestyclose_Media_548 → u/arsenal_kate]

Omg- there is not one correct way to communicate with people. I’m not sure if this guy is abusive - haven’t read other comments by op- but it is absolutely a common way to communicate in conversation for many people . I’m a speech language pathologist . That being said - people need to talk about differences in communication style and find ways to learn tricks to merge styles. We cannot simply dismiss communication attempts because it’s not familiar or comfortable to us . I spend my time learning how to support people that use augmentative and alternative communication. I would be super unethical if I ignored my clients’s communication with eye face / moving their body / gestures etc because I didn’t think it was a valid way to communicate. Op isn’t a horrible person for having communication challenges and theoretically OP’s partner isn’t horrible either- I’d need more information than what is contained in the body of this post .

[u/Wild_Efficiency_4307]

Your example does not sound like a problem with your behavior. Any chance you were not diagnosed or not medicated when you met him and early in the relationship?

[u/flamingpasta → u/Wild_Efficiency_4307]

I wasn't. we met in late 2015 and I only got diagnosed about 1-2 years ago. He was there when I got diagnosed though. He was there when the psychologist went through all of my test results and explained my inattentive presentation, my symptoms, how it will affect my life, so on and so forth. I was so happy that he was there and hearing my diagnosis get explained to me actually made me cry in her office, I had never felt so validated before in my life and I remember even thinking to myself how happy I was that my husband was there to hear all of that bc maybe it would help him understand me. I think I even told him that at the time. Flash forward until now and I feel like it didn't change anything at all.

[u/Wild_Efficiency_4307 → u/flamingpasta]

Did your relationship get worse after you were diagnosed?

[u/flamingpasta → u/Wild_Efficiency_4307]

I feel like overall not much has changed/things have maybe gotten slightly better. There are so many other factors at play in terms of our overall relationship though, so idk if I can judge "better or worse" on that one factor alone.

[u/Slammogram]

You need to be for real right now. With yourself.

Here’s the thing.

A lot of ADHD people are more susceptible to abusive relationships.

Do you think that’s the case?

Or do you think you perpetually give him no space to be heard and when he says something instead of being like “I’m sorry, babe, what were you saying?” you argue your POV instead?

Cause both are equally possible.

So you need to sit down with yourself and take a hard look at the dynamics here.

[u/flamingpasta → u/Slammogram]

I agree that I need to think about this a lot bc what you're saying about just arguing my POV rather than giving him the floor to speak is exactly what he says I do. The problem is I get so anxious and shut down so quickly every time he accuses me of this, I think I start to disassociate and it makes it really hard to remember what actually happened and what was actually said.

Like everyone else in this thread is saying, I think I need therapy.

[u/niiborikko → u/flamingpasta]

You should also think about why you've developed this shut-down reaction, & why you feel like you need to explain yourself & your POV again and again to someone who ought to know you pretty well by now. Those aren't the usual reactions in a healthy relationship.

I think therapy, both individually & as a couple, is urgently needed for you both.

[u/sun_dazzled → u/niiborikko]

Maybe start with individual, though.

[u/AntheaBrainhooke → u/sun_dazzled]

Absolutely. I wouldn’t even consider couples therapy with this guy until OP has her feet firmly under her, if at all.

[u/SubjectOrange]

So my husband and I both have different flavours of ADHD. I can come off a bit like your husband at times because my husband has ADHD -i and I have ADHD hyperactive. I need that feedback and he misses the queue. Fun times! It generally only flares up when I'm pmsing now as we have recognized the problem and honestly, just straight up call each other out/ask each other for what we need in the moment. It is not seen as aggressive or needy or whatnot, just being clear and concise in the moment so bigger problems don't arise.

This is BECAUSE we both suffer the symptom of rejection sensitivity and emotional hypersensitivity. It sounds like your husband definitely has similar symptoms and yours differ. Therapy, research, coping skills need to be looked at on his account as well as this is certainly not all your fault or result of Soley your ADHD, it's his as well.

[u/ymcmoots]

Your hubs sounds like a piece of work tbh. Getting snarky and arguing for an hour because you didn't reply to some vague remark he made while he was reaching for his phone? Yikes no. Even if you did have some kind of relationship obligation to worship every fart that comes out of his mouth, that's not an okay way to respond. No fucking way would I want to be in a relationship where I have to go through that fight every day. And no fucking way would I stay with someone who insists that I derail my cool fun dog hat games in favor of being their cheerleader while they track a package on their phone.

I ignore my husband all the time, if it's important he will get my attention and say it again. I do the same thing with him - if he doesn't respond, I ask explicitly if he heard me, because sometimes he didn't hear through his headphones and other times he just didn't process that I was expecting a reply. It's not a big deal, we don't apologize or explain ourselves or keep score of who gets ignored the most.

Get yourself into INDIVIDUAL therapy to talk about what you are experiencing here. Not couples counseling. Couples counseling can actually be counterproductive if one person is manipulative & entitled - you really have to get your own head screwed on straight first.

[u/plantyplant559]

It's a red flag that you explained your side of it and he turned it into a fight. My husband and I are both adhd and have this type of issue often. Neither of us take it personally, which it sounds like your husband is doing. Add to that the fact that he thinks your apologies don't mean anything or that you're trying to "manipulate"him by having feelings when he picks a fight over something so small.

Communication is a 2 way street, but it sounds like he doesn't want to communicate how you do, only the other way.

Couples counseling might be helpful, specifically with someone who understands adhd and rejection sensitivity.

[u/flamingpasta → u/plantyplant559]

we've talked about couples counseling before but never been able to find a place. maybe now we can since we've moved to a place with more resources.

[u/plantyplant559 → u/flamingpasta]

You could always do virtual therapy as well, if that's an option in your area.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this issue. I hope you guys can work it out.

[u/theotheraccount0987 → u/flamingpasta]

never been able to find a place or he's vetoing every suggestion?

just a thought because my ex and i "tried" counseling multiple times and he couldn't handle it "because the counsellor always takes your side and you both end up ganging up on me." i think when he said that is probably when i knew for a fact i was going to get out of there eventually.

[u/CatHairAndChaos → u/flamingpasta]

I would strongly advise against couples counseling. Based on your other comments, this relationship is really concerning and he’s abusive. Don’t go to counseling with an abuser. He’s clearly very manipulative and will certainly weaponize counseling against you.

Furthermore, couples counseling is for relationship problems, which isn’t what you have. He is the problem. Pursuing individual therapy for yourself would be useful, to help you start sorting through the damage he’s done, and hopefully also help you recognize that you really need to leave before he messes your head up even more.

I know that’s not what you want to hear, and it probably sounds extreme, but from the outside, what you've shared with us sounds very concerning.

You can’t fix him for him. He has to want to fix himself, and then put the work in. But as it is, it sounds like he won’t even accept that he’s doing anything wrong.

[u/Melsura]

Lmao how passive aggressive. I wouldn’t have said anything about his backpack either, because to me it sounded like he was talking to himself.

And what does he want you to say, “i hope there’s an update on the shipping”? Your husband sounds very sulky and his responses to your apologies is really uncalled for.

[u/mostcleverusername1 → u/Melsura]

Right? I wouldn't have responded to an "I wonder..." statement like that. Well, i guess.. unless I was in OP's shoes who deals with someone getting mad at me for not talking .. I might say "Just to make sure, are you thinking out loud or are you wanting a response from me?"

[u/marua06]

My ex was like this. Note I said “ex.” Men like this don’t change. You’re excited about something and he makes it about himself. You’re upset about something and he makes it about himself. See the pattern? I’d wager that you do the vast majority of the heavy lifting in this relationship. You deserve better.

[u/theotheraccount0987]

dude just wants to fight and knows how to push your buttons and make you feel guilty.

take it to counseling or just start grey rocking every time he has a little sulk.

[u/Andrusela]

Just reading this made me tired.

It's not you.

[u/Healthy_Chipmunk2266]

Take it from an old lady (well, maybe lady isn't the right word for this salty old broad), GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. The red flags are flapping in the breeze here.

[u/Andrusela → u/Healthy_Chipmunk2266]

Virtual high five from a fellow old lady :)

[u/TheMagnificentPrim]

Could you do me a favor, OP, and read Why Does He Do That? I only have this little glimpse of y'all's relationship that you're showing us here and now, so this book could totally not resonate with you at all. Which is great, truly! But every little snippet you've shown has me concerned about him as a person, so I'd love for you to read this book, just in case.

[u/DenM0ther]

What does he think would have been an appropriate response to 'I wonder when my backpack will get here' would've been?

[u/Zestyclose_Media_548 → u/DenM0ther]

Maybe- when did you order it? How are things going at the new job?

[u/Illustrious_Mess307]

Ask him to make eye contact first or you touch your arm. I'm proud you heard him. I usually zone out and hear nothing 😂

[u/crock_pot]

I wish for all the ADHD girlies with abusive, manipulative, or just downright annoying husbands to finally realize that it’s not your fault and you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re just with men who want someone to dominate and your ADHD has made it so that you self-blame and self-doubt and are therefore a target for these kind of men. One of my best friends is with a man like this. She is constantly getting in trouble with him for not paying him enough attention. Even when we were on vacation together after not seeing each other for years. These men weaponize your ADHD against you because they’re losers.

If your relationship hinges on your man being able to think of you as beneath him - including if you’re his silly manic pixie dream girl who’s not a real person, who he just has to take care of - that is not a perfect relationship!

EDIT: I just read through the thread and OP, it’s so sad how you talk about yourself. This guy has really messed up your brain. Please get individual therapy! 

[u/AntheaBrainhooke → u/crock_pot]

Just want to add: DO NOT suggest or go to couples therapy with this man. He will just learn how to use therapy-speak to further weaponise his manipulative bullshit. Go by yourself for yourself, because you deserve to be as happy as you can with or without him.

[u/Soggy-Wasabi-5743]

He sounds passive aggressive- yuck

[u/Longestgirl]

dump him girl

source: i dumped a guy like this and my life improved A LOT. he is sucking ur life force and making u thank him for it

[u/savvyjk]

This sounds almost verbatim the issues & arguments I used to have with my ex.

I did go to therapy while in that relationship & learned that we had different communications styles & needs. I also learned that the way he was handling his needs not being met was unhealthy & made me very anxious. His way was to sulk, act like everything was normal for a bit, then have an emotionally charged argument about what was wrong with me & accuse me of not caring enough. I would panic & shut down the same way you described. I tried for most of our 2.5 year relationship to fix things and make myself a 'better' partner before I sought therapy. I didn't find a solution that resulted in a healthy relationship, & we broke up a few months after I started therapy. I do wonder if a solution would have been found if we both went to therapy, but he didn't think he needed it.

[u/ReaWroud]

Don't talk to Reddit, talk to him. He's obviously feeling insecure for whatever reason, so if you initiate a talk about how to make sure he feels seen and heard, there's more of a chance he'll be receptive to listening to your side.

It's hard to say who's in the wrong here. He seems to anger quickly, which would suggest it's him, but it also seems like this is an ongoing issue that hasn't been addressed, even though he continues to bring it up. That can make anyone loopy.

Your partner is telling you something is wrong. Take it seriously and try to remedy it. That doesn't necessarily mean only you have to change. Communication is shared, and you have to figure out what works best. But you can't go on like this with him saying he feels ignored and you saying you don't mean yo ignore him. It's fruitless.

[u/DenM0ther]

To me that sounds like him wondering to himself, but out loud 🤷🏻‍♀️

I tend to process my thoughts out loud (irritating for others I'm sure), sometimes I start off by tell the other person and somewhere along the way switch to talking to myself. If the other person answers then that's great, but it's not required. Thing is, I don't tell them that I've switched, mostly I don't realise 😂😂

I agree with everyone else's suggestions of him catching your attention. Also waiting until your not focussed on something else. I practice these for various ND people (& distracted NT's) in my life.

The other thing I try and do is practice being present - rather than 'off in my head' all the while.

[u/elianna7]

Relationship posts on this sub make me so sad because it’s always women taking all the blame and seeing themselves as the fuck ups when they actually just have manipulative partners who have spent years destroying their self-esteem to the point that they believe their partner is doing them a favour by staying with them.

You deserve better, and you’d be happier alone than with someone who turns the most basic moments of your day-to-day existence into exhausting arguments where goal posts are repeatedly moved further out so it’s impossible for you to ever reach them and “win.”

[u/iwasinmiami]

I don’t have any advice but I just want to say i’ve had the EXACT same situation with my ex. “Oh my friend started dating this new girl” “….” “Okay sorry for wanting to talk to you” Like what has been said that’s interesting?? Don’t know if it’s an ADHD problem or a man ego problem.

[u/R4ndomNameThrowAway]

It sounds like he is doing "bids for connection", look it up. You're essentially rejecting connection with him, even if you don't mean to. 

https://www.gottman.com/blog/want-to-improve-your-relationship-start-paying-more-attention-to-bids/

People will say all kinds of things without real substance, just to connect. When you don't answer his attempt to connect, he gets the impression that you're ignoring him. I'm not saying you're wrong, and I only read your post, not all the comments, but I think your marriage could benefit from learning this. So just from that one example with the backpack. Maybe he just wanted to feel like you were together. It sounds like you were doing your thing and leaving him out (again not on purpose, but how I imagine he would feel). An easy answer could be "yeah let's hope your package arrives soon as well" or you could even just verbalise what you were doing so he knew you were with him in his attempt to connect by saying "yeah I wonder too, I'm just gonna check".

Edit: I read your post again, and I don't mean to be snarky, but you wrote that you didn't know his comment was directed at you? Were there other human beings with you that the sentence could have been directed at? Because if not, if someone says something with words in the human language, I will assume it's directed at the other person present.

Edit ll: I think I need to apologize. I guess I didn't really understand how inattentive ADHD works. I'm the opposite, I'm always hyper aware of the people around me. People always hold the most salience to me. I'm sorry. Suggesting an "easy" way to respond, might not be easy at all. And me thinking it's obvious he was talking to you, might not seem that way to others. 

I still think he's doing bids for connection and being hurt when you don't respond. But he also needs to understand that you're not doing it on purpose or because you're not interested. It sounds like a really tough situation, and I'm sorry. 

[u/maisymousee]

My husband (AuDHD tendencies but no diagnosis) will forget to respond to me. Sometimes it bugs me, but I’m able to just say “hey, can I get more of a response please?” And we move on from there. No big deal. He, on the other hand, will go on and on about whatever and I’ll be barely listening, but he doesn’t care. At all. So basically, it’s not an issue because my husband doesn’t rely on my responses for validation. And when it comes to him ignoring me, all I gotta do is prompt more directly.

You’re not the problem. You guys need to work out a way for him to feel heard that doesn’t make you feel guilty.

[u/CatKitKatCat]

I follow this thread because I have a family member with add (diagnosed like 20+ years ago) so, while I don’t understand the experience myself, I’ve had a lot of interactions with her and some stuff works really well.

Often, she’ll be unsatisfied with my response (or lack thereof) to comments I didn’t realize I was supposed to respond to. So she’s kind of made a funny tradition of it and will just carry on the conversation with herself so I can hear the response she was looking for. So for example, she’ll say ‘I might give the dog a bath today’ and if I don’t reply, she’ll then pretend to be me and talk in a high pitched voice ‘That sounds like a good idea!’ And that’s sort of taught me over the years how she’d like me to respond, which has been helpful. If it ends up getting into an argument, I’ll genuinely ask her what sort of thing she wanted me to say and she’ll tell me- it’s been a learning opportunity for me. So maybe it would be interesting to ask him what sort of thing he would’ve liked you to say in response, so you can hear what he has in mind.

She even told me once that if I don’t have anything specific to say, it would be helpful if I even just say the word ‘acknowledge’ so she knows I’ve heard her, and I do.

Something sort of similar- it sounds like a big part of the dynamic is not realizing when he’d like a response. If I’m doing something, I don’t always really register when she’s talking to me. So years ago I told her ‘just say my name clearly before you start talking, and it’ll get my attention’ and she does and it works. That’s a great technique maybe he could use?

When my family member is talking to me, I generally try and acknowledge hearing her in some way, even if it doesn’t result in a conversation (since I guess I generally assume that, if she’s talking to me, she wants a response of some kind). For you to respond generally, maybe it would be helpful to have one or two sort of ‘go to’ phrases that he would feel heard by. My go-to is ‘oh?’ It’s a quick, general question-sounding response that usually invites her to talk more and makes me sound interested. It also applies generally to all sorts of things.

It sounds like you both fall into the same argument again and again and you’re both just trying to feel understood, but neither does. I think you both could move past this a lot easier if you each acknowledged that you understand each other’s experience, rather than each just trying to defend your own experience. Once that’s done, you can focus on actual techniques and solutions that will address each other’s needs and concerns.

Good luck!

[u/astronauticalll]

28F and you say this has been happening for 10 years..

All I'll say is I really wouldn't put up with this kind of shit from someone I met at 18.

[u/Comfortable-Doubt]

Some of your thought processes here in this thread are suggesting that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. You are "nervous" about his reaction if you bring things up for discussion. You feel like you are "failing" him. You feel "crazy, insane, confused" You want to know how to be "better for him". "My ADHD makes it hard for HIM to talk to me" These are all problematic.

His feelings matter to you. You are trying to improve to please him.

Is he doing any work on himself? Is he working as hard to understand you, as you are, to understand him?

10 years is a long time to be worn down. But looks up sunk cost fallacy.

Just because you have already spent so much time and effort here, that doesn't mean you HAVE TO spend any more.

ADHD makes it easy for abusers to gaslight us, because we are unsure of our own memory, our own mind, and we make forgetful mistakes sometimes.

So what I did was to start a note in my app...allll the things that made me second guess myself. This list started adding up to a monumental amount. And that's how I knew it wasn't me who was at fault.

5 years after leaving and I am definitely not confused anymore.

[u/Sati18]

I did sometimes have similar arguments with my husband but my default position is that if I am engaged in something and you start talking at me without allowing me time to quickly finish or at least reach a point where I can disengage mentally from what I was doing, then it's your fault if I don't react or retain what you have said.

At the end of the day, interrupting people and demanding that they immediately stop what they are doing to pay attention to you is rude, and it's not a socially acceptable custom.

So imo the fault lies with the interrupter.

I love my husband very much, and I want to be able to focus on what he is saying, in order to have meaningful conversation. Sometimes that means he has to indicate that he wants to talk and wait a short while so that I can be able to hear him properly.

I agree with the other posters, your husband is being super passive aggressive. And is not being respectful of you or what you are engaged in. I definitely wouldn't be apologising every time, I'd be defending my corner and asking for him to collaborate and find a compromise that works for both of your needs

Obviously, you should offer him the same courtesy.

[u/victorianfollies]

I grew up with a parent with NPD and BPD [edit: relevant because of husband’s family situation]. There is no way in hell I would treat my ADHD partner like your husband treats you. This is really not okay, and I’m really sorry that it has gotten you to question so much about yourself. He needs therapy, stat. Individual and couple’s.

I have inattentive ADHD and auditory processing issues too. My partner will sometimes jokingly ask ”What did I just say?”, and I’ll guess something wild because I have no idea what he said, and then he laughs and repeats himself. If he needs to say something important, he makes sure to make eyecontact with me when he says it, so I can take it in properly. And if it is REALLY important, he will remind me in a text message

[u/Ready_Village_1915]

I’m going to go against the grain and say that I’m like your husband. It drives me nuts when I say something, and I don’t even get an acknowledgement that I’ve spoken. I think it’s because my parents did it a lot when I was a kid—it makes me feel so invisible and unappreciated. My bf is inclined to do it as well, and we’ve come to an agreement that I don’t care WHAT he says, as long as he responds somehow. Literally, I’m okay with a grunt, just as long as there’s some kind of response.

If your husband wants in depth discussions about everything, that is difficult, but if he accepts any kind of acknowledgment, then it’s worth exploring what you can do that works for both of you.

[u/BelleMakaiHawaii]

I hyperfocus on him even when I’m hyperfocused on something else, it’s weird, but there it is, same with the dogs

[u/The-Shattering-Light]

I cleverly avoided this by getting a wife 😁

Seriously though - we both make communication a major priority, and work on communicating in ways that the other is most receptive to

[u/Careless-Banana-3868]

Hi OP, i would suggest some therapy or a trusted person (not friends or family of husband to avoid awkwardness) to find support.

For context if I’m reading something I cannot hear my husband. We have discussed getting each others attention and being patient to allow each other a moment to get to a spot—then chat. You’re not purposefully ignoring him. Relationships are a partnership and they should find a way to put in equal effort in the outcome.

I will also say, unfortunately women who are ADHD and other neurodivergencies are statistically more likely to suffer from toxic/abusive/unhealthy relationships. We have rejection sensitivity (potentially) and our high empathy—we will extend so much of ourselves.

I won’t speak for your relationship, but wanted to add the info for you or others.

A link with resources (U.S.) for anyone who wants to review:

https://www.liveyourdream.org/get-help/domestic-violence-resources.html

[u/Teleporting-Cat]

Oooh, is this an ADHD thing? My partner also gets annoyed that I don't make meaningless noises to perform the act of listening. I thought it was just me.

[u/Zestyclose_Media_548 → u/Teleporting-Cat]

It’s not meaningless to the other person.

[u/monbabie]

It sounds like he wants you to be his mommy

[u/MiuNya]

Your husband needs to learn the art of letting go. Or accept that you may have some autistic traits and need to work together.

[u/KibethTheWalker]

To me it seems like the problem is he's not willing to tell you what he needs in the moment, without high emotion. He's waiting till he's super pissed about your perceived slights and then blowing up at you and now that you've discussed it enough, he's constantly mad every time something happens that validates what he believes the problem is.

But his take on the problem (that you are ignoring him) is not the problem. The problem is he wants attention and he expects you to read his mind and give it to him.

That's unfair of him and he needs to learn to ask for what he wants in the moment without being upset that another human can't intuit exactly what he wants.

In the example above, his initial comment was very neutral and not in need of response, so he simply could have followed up with a "do you think it got lost in the mail?" Or some other question or comment directed specifically at you.

Could you do better to try and engage with him more? Yes. But y'all are in a partnership and he's not exactly pulling his weight here either.

[u/normal-type-gal]

My wife (who also has ADHD) is constantly reading and will often accidentally ignore me because she's so invested in her book. I now know I need to ensure I have her attention before I start talking to her because that's just a dynamic of our relationship now and it saves me from any frustration/hurt feelings from having to repeat myself. This is a part of loving her and being partnered to her and has nothing to do with how much she cares for me or respects me. Maybe gently remind your husband that two neurodivergent people in a relationship will sometimes need to make accomodations for one another that you don't see in a "typical" marriage. Also active listening often looks different in neurodivergents folks and does not mean you aren't paying attention. Sorry y'all are dealing with this, I sincerely hope you can both come to a place where you understand each other and both feel heard. 💛

[u/No-Clock2011]

It sounds like he is relying on you to get all his social needs met. And as you are new to a city that makes sense for now but he needs to look at going out and making new connections when he is ready and connecting with other friends from your old location. Therapy would be a great place to explore this too - find someone that is ND friendly and experienced. Maybe there’s a bit of autism there too? Not liking small talk can be part of that. It does sound like your husband has something going on that activates a younger part of himself where needs weren’t met and it’s not necessarily about you and what happens or doesn’t happen in that moment - more that you trigger this unhealed wound of his/ an anxious attachment style. So yeah therapy is a great place to work thru things like that. All the best.

[u/MyFunnyValentine8487]

To be honest, I don't think of that as ADHD. There is some stuff that doesn't get an immediate response from me and I'm an extrovert. Not everything needs to be a chorus, "I'm loading the dishwasher." "Oh I see, you're loading the dishawasher." If a chorus would make him happier maybe just do that. Some people don't want to feel like they're talking to the wind. Try to just repeat the sentence if you have nothing to add.

Him: "It's raining!"

You: "It's raining!"

Him: "I have a box."

You: "You have a box!"

You're problem is you think you have to say somethingt thoughtful. Just acknowledge. I have a friend who sometimes just says, "heard."

[u/boompoppp]

So you were excited about your packages, his hadn’t come yet. So he decided to spoil your joy/create an argument, so you weren’t happy/silly anymore. Does that happen a lot? Someone else also pointed out that you were talking, and actually technically he interrupted you if we are gonna be super anal about things.

TBH I am guilty of being inattentive, but I wouldn’t have thought what he said warranted a reply.

When you say “I just don’t know how to navigate this problem”, do you think it’s because he keeps changing the goalposts? I don’t think you did anything wrong.

[u/RepresentativeSun399]

f

[u/Mr_Fuzzo]

This is my life. If you find a solution, do tell.

[u/e2ec]

This is not a ADHD problem. Meaning it's not a you problem. It's a guy problem who is wanting to use you for attention. And then snark-dump on you whenever he likes. 

Need to address the snark dumping. It is not okay. I had a boyfriend like this. I did not realize for years that's what was happening. Dumped him and my life became so much better. Not saying that's what you need to do since you're in the marriage. Definitely write down and reconsider if the other person's behavior might not be okay towards you.

Edit: also the ex snarky boyfriend was for some reason super jealous of my dog. Anytime I gave attention to my dog, I realized looking back that he would do something snarky or upsetting.

[u/OpalLover2020]

I didn’t read all the way through - right when he said “awe, I wonder when my back pack will come..,” I would be able to tell he’s feeling left out - lonely - something is amiss.

That’s when I would push the packages aside and lay my body next to his and talk.

It’s just a simple moment that you didn’t pick up on that was non-verbal but emotional. I can feel it through the words.

Maybe I need to go read the rest of what you wrote bc there’s a lot….

Edit - actually I feel like you guys might benefit from some couples therapy. There’s no reason for a FIGHT after that. You don’t dictate his emotions and he’s kind of forcing that on you. It’s a bit immature in my eyes BUT IM NOT A THERAPIST.

I would never want a marriage to break up when really it’s as simple as couples therapy or working at seeing the world through the others perspective. I don’t know.

:hugs: dear stranger. You are not at fault and don’t need to take responsibility for your actions when you did nothing wrong.

[u/10Kmana]

You're not ignoring him, he is uncomfortable with silence

[u/TheGalaxyPup]

I agree that he has some work to do and should try to understand you better. On the other hand, it doesn't help if you're always on the defensive. When you react like that, he probably does not feel understood either. It may be helpful to apologize in some cases.

I had similar issues with my boyfriend at the beginning of our relationship, and when he would get hurt by me ignoring him, I would apologize sincerely right away. Something like: "I'm very sorry, I missed what you said. I was very focused on this thing and my brain wasn't able to hear you at the same time. Can you please repeat it? I do want to hear it". It's not really about you saying you're at fault, but more about telling him that it was not on purpose and that he does matter to you. His anger will likely deflate and he might even feel bad for blaming you.

[u/Actual-Pollution-805]

Get some date nights in per week, give him all of your attention.

[u/Zestyclose_Media_548]

Question for you - do you think at the time he’s just talking out loud to hear himself speak? I’ve learned on this sub that most of us need to SLOW down. I’d be upset if my partner “ ignored “ the things I say. Could he learn some tricks so that he can indicate that he wants to engage in conversation - yes- more specifically word things differently so you have a better idea that he wants a response. Can you purposefully attempt to slow down what you are doing to attend to someone speaking to you - yes. We are on here because we have a disability- but that doesn’t mean our actions don’t have negative consequences and we should try our best to mitigate how our actions make others feel.

[u/adhocflamingo]

My partner sometimes struggles to catch my attention when he wants to. He’s autistic and has a habitual bias towards submerging his needs after a lifetime of being told they aren’t real or don’t matter. He also understands that my attention can be difficult to shift, and that I don’t always understand that he’s trying to catch it. So, he does his best to be more explicit about it. I do my best to notice if I didn’t respond to something (even if it’s like minutes later, I’ll bring it back up if I realize) and find ways to pause what I’m doing that I can pick up later (e.g. if I’m writing a Reddit comment, I’ll copy the text to a notepad so it doesn’t disappear while I put the phone down).

We also both try to clarify what we want out of a conversation attempt if it doesn’t go the way we intended. For example, the other day, he came in while I was clipping some video from an OW match, and I briefly explained that I was recording two silly moments involving the same piece of map geometry, one of which made me look really stupid, and the other which made an enemy player look really stupid. Later, he asked me about them, and I said I wasn’t sure I could explain without showing him (he’s not good at making pictures in his mind). He told me he was really just asking to have something to talk about, so I thought about it and figured out a way to explain that didn’t involve much spatial description.

[u/Sheslikeamom]

I find myself "ignoring" my husband at times. 

What helps me is talking about my thoughts and telling him what I hear him saying.

I wouldn't have answered anything to "I wonder when my package will arrive" because it's a somewhat closed off statement to me. 

But knowing that my husband doesn't like when I don't say anything I would make an effort to continue the conversation. 

Saying things related to the topic like "did you order after me? What does the bag look like again? I'm excited for it to arrive. I wish they arrived at the same time and we could unbox together. Fashion Show at Lunch!×2. Would you like to open my next package?"

We're committed and have talked about our steadfast commitment to our marriage and each other. 

It's easy to get complacent and feel like I don't have to do daily social maintenance like making small talk because we're so close.

I totally get the confusion. I don't not answer because I don't care or am not interested. It's because I don't know what I'm supposed to say. And the added confusion of him being upset and thinking you don't care when you've been together for so long. 

Not intrinsically understanding what an appropriate respose is a real social deficit of mine. It's the main reason I struggle with maintaining relationships. 

[u/whateveratthispoint_]

Intentional attention time. Work it into your relationship.

[u/adhocflamingo]

So, I do think your husband is being unhelpfully passive-aggressive, but, unlike several other commenters, I don’t think he’s necessarily being manipulative. It’s possible that he is, but to me, this sounds like a situation where you’re both sensitive and reactive over a clashy dynamic that might not be anyone’s fault really.

The backpack thing, in isolation, seems like a very petty thing to dispute. But, I think it’s pretty normal for people who feel like their needs aren’t being heard or acknowledged to get more timid/less direct about expressing them. Neurodivergent people often develop difficulties expressing those things, because our needs and wants are non-standard, so they get missed or dismissed, by many many people in our lives. I think it can make it hard to get our needs met even by other ND people, who might actually get it, just because of prior conditioning.

And you are clearly (and very understandably) sensitive about being accused of not caring about people or things that you do care about very much. Again, this is a very normal thing for ADHDers to develop, because people interpret our difficulties directing attention as a lack of interest or care. Struggling to visibly demonstrate care for things we care about gets to self-worth issues pretty fast, so the sort of defensive collapse you described seems pretty normal to me too, if ultimately unhelpful.

If I’m right, I do think it will take a mutual acknowledgement that both of you are contributing to this dynamic. You cannot keep taking full responsibility for it, but I don’t think he’s fully-responsible either. Arguing about who is the “victim” is going to put and keep you both in very defensive postures where you can only see your own unmet needs: his to be heard, and yours to be seen as caring for him.

Others have shared strategies for avoiding this kind of conflict in the first place, which I definitely think you should explore. But you also need a way out of the conflict when it happens, because you’re never going to eradicate it completely. I have found that focusing on “I” statements helps a lot to bypass the defensive reaction triggers, as well as an agreement to take apologies in good faith, even if they aren’t worded perfectly. When the latter has come into question, my defusing method is to say something like, “I love you and care about your needs. Can you please just choose to believe me?”

My partner and I have also found the concept of “normal marital hatred” to be really useful. It’s just not possible to always have happy positive feelings about the person you spend so much of your time with, and the expectation of such can make it so much harder to actually get past a conflict. Being able to say, “I love you, but I kinda hate you right now” is remarkably freeing. It’s an expression of those feelings, so they don’t fester, but also an acknowledgement that they are temporary. We have certain conflict patterns that still crop up from clashes in our tendencies and behaviors when we’re both depleted, and they probably always will. But we understand them now, so sometimes, nothing really has to be done except acknowledging it and spending some time apart to cool off.

[u/HalfAgony-HalfHope]

If I had to constantly ask for someone's attention, because they didn't give it when I said something outhouse, I'd feel hurt and would assume that they were bored of me, annoyed by me, hated me and never wanted to talk to me again.

Maybe try and be more present and respond to things even if you don't think they're directed at you?